Ugh, feel used... :(

[shadowplay]

Well, how about just forgetting about this individual guy already? The feelings and experience, Shadow, you own. He was a brief passerby in your life. Stop demonizing, idealizing, fantasizing, conjecturing, texting, IMing, this person. Stop comparing notes about his OKC profile or whatever. He's a human being and he is probably dealing with the situation in his own way, which is not what you'd like.

 

What's done is done.

 

Because I feel like every experience I have just confirms that everyone will just vanish on me/lose interest in me.

 

Also, honestly, I know you guys disagree with me, but I can already see that this thread is spiraling in a negative direction, where before I was getting a lot of productive advice out of it. I'm feeling even more low than I was before I posted my update an hour ago, since engaging in this discussion. This isn't good for me. Please, just leave it be.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Pay attention to what Land Shark told you. He's a guy (I think!) and he has been sympathetic to your plight.

[Star Gazer]

could you elaborate... what makes you cringe?

 

Literally, the entire post. From start to finish.

 

I hesitate to use this word, Shadow, because I know you'll think that I'm trying to be mean. But it came across as vapidly manipulative, self-destructive, and... pathetic. I literally made a cringing face the entire time I read the OP...and I've done so several times since then when I read your updates about contacting him.

 

If this guy has half a brain and any intuition whatsoever, he picked up on it before you even said, "Do you have a condom?"

[Land Shark]

Well, how about just forgetting about this individual guy already? The feelings and experience, Shadow, you own. He was a brief passerby in your life. Stop demonizing, idealizing, fantasizing, conjecturing, texting, IMing, this person. Stop comparing notes about his OKC profile or whatever. He's a human being and he is probably dealing with the situation in his own way, which is not what you'd like.

 

What's done is done.

 

This is what I think as well.

[shadowplay]

This is actually becoming maddening from our perspective, Shadow. I can't for the life of me understand why you don't understand this from his eyes.

 

You have demonstrated yourself to be inconsistent and emotionally unstable with him. You have sent him several messages, apologizing and explaining how hurt and vulnerable you are right now. In his eyes, he's literally thinking, "OMG, this girl is bat sh*t crazy." I would bet thousands of dollars that's exactly what he's thinking.

 

He had sex with you, and clearly has no desire to see or talk to you again. Of course, he knows that you're feeling bad, because you've told him more than once. But your messages don't really just ask for information about what happened. No. Your messages to him scream and beg for reassurance, for validation, for a pat on the head, for a there-there it'll be okay, I still like you response. But he knows he's not going to give it to you. And he knows that if he's honest, you will be crushed because you already told him how hurt you are.

 

And since he's an adult, and you're an adult, he's assuming that you have the maturity to understand what silence means.

 

So why do you think he didn't want to see me again?

[Star Gazer]

Well, your attitude in this thread isn't consistent with "handling things well".

 

And those previous experiences were without sex involved.

 

I'll re-iterate my previous point: he's already telling you all you need to know. Listen to the silence. It's saying "I'm not interested. The chemistry is not there."

 

Couldn't have said it better or more succinctly.

[shadowplay]

Literally, the entire post. From start to finish.

 

I hesitate to use this word, Shadow, because I know you'll think that I'm trying to be mean. But it came across as vapidly manipulative, self-destructive, and... pathetic. I literally made a cringing face the entire time I read the OP...and I've done so several times since then when I read your updates about contacting him.

 

If this guy has half a brain and any intuition whatsoever, he picked up on it before you even said, "Do you have a condom?"

 

What did I do before I asked him for the condom that was pathetic??

[Star Gazer]

So why do you think he didn't want to see me again?

 

Are you serious???

 

I give up.

[shadowplay]

Are you serious???

 

I give up.

 

like you're not being specific. I don't know what I did before we got into his bed that could have been construed as pathetic.

[LisaLee]

So why do you think he didn't want to see me again?

 

Shadow, I honestly think it was the sex. It was too early and what he got was incomplete, and from what you described, possibly awkward. That coupled with the mixed messages and your subsequent texting him probably made him shy away from getting back to you.

[Land Shark]

So why do you think he didn't want to see me again?

 

What did I do before I asked him for the condom that was pathetic??

 

Remember you said you were thinking of taking up reading more seriously? Now would be a great time to get your book out.

[shadowplay]

Remember you said you were thinking of taking up reading more seriously? Now would be a great time to get your book out.

 

You're right. At times like this I really hate LS.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I will respect your wishes and leave it, Shadow, but I want you to notice that you are seeking validation and emotional strokes right here with us, and since you are not getting them at this point in your thread your emotions are plummeting.

 

Find a strong emotional core. Like I said, it will be hard and take work and self discipline.

 

I know what I'm talking about. If you could have seen me (or heard me) when I was in my 20's ... and I am the parent of a 23 year old daughter.

 

Affirming all of your circular thinking etc. might make you "feel" better, but it is not helpful to you. It is harmful. It's time to change YOURSELF.

[Star Gazer]

like you're not being specific. I don't know what I did before we got into his bed that could have been construed as pathetic.

 

I did not limit my comment about being pathetic to before you got into bed, now did I? From the moment you got naked, it was a downward spiral.

 

Why doesn't he want to see you again? You already answered this question yourself: You're emotionally unhealthy. As I said before, if he's got half a brain or even an ounce of intuition, he picked up on that. Plus, in all likelihood, the sex was bad in more ways than one.

[Star Gazer]

You're right. At times like this I really hate LS.

 

Because we're not validating you?

 

I will respect your wishes and leave it, Shadow, but I want you to notice that you are seeking validation and emotional strokes right here with us, and since you are not getting them at this point in your thread your emotions are plummeting.

 

Find a strong emotional core. Like I said, it will be hard and take work and self discipline.

 

Affirming all of your circular thinking etc. might make you "feel" better, but it is not helpful to you. It is harmful. It's time to change YOURSELF.

 

+1,000,000.

[amymarieca]

I want you to read what you are saying. You feel emotionally attached to a guy because one time you cuddled with him. Instinctually, women will become emotionally attached to partners they are having sex with, and there is nothing wrong with that. The tricky part comes when you need to have control over those instincts. You slept with a guy before there was ever a real relationship, so you can't really expect much. Does it really seem logical to have feelings for someone after cuddling with them? You have no reason to be attached to this guy. You haven't known him long enough to be able to judge this. You need take a big step back and look at this situation with more logic than emotion.

[shadowplay]

I will respect your wishes and leave it, Shadow, but I want you to notice that you are seeking validation and emotional strokes right here with us, and since you are not getting them at this point in your thread your emotions are plummeting.

 

Find a strong emotional core. Like I said, it will be hard and take work and self discipline.

 

I know what I'm talking about. If you could have seen me (or heard me) when I was in my 20's ... and I am the parent of a 23 year old daughter.

 

Affirming all of your circular thinking etc. might make you "feel" better, but it is not helpful to you. It is harmful. It's time to change YOURSELF.

 

The thing is when I get something positive out of LS, it's not when people try to hammer things into me, especially when some of those comments verge on nastiness. I think people don't understand that if somebody is insecure trying to challenge them in a kind of brutal way does more harm than good. I guess I need to learn to just shrug off those comments and take the productive advice. Because if I internalize all that stuff, it just crushes me.

[shadowplay]

I want you to read what you are saying. You feel emotionally attached to a guy because one time you cuddled with him. Instinctually, women will become emotionally attached to partners they are having sex with, and there is nothing wrong with that. The tricky part comes when you need to have control over those instincts. You slept with a guy before there was ever a real relationship, so you can't really expect much. Does it really seem logical to have feelings for someone after cuddling with them? You have no reason to be attached to this guy. You haven't known him long enough to be able to judge this. You need take a big step back and look at this situation with more logic than emotion.

 

No, it's not logical. A lot of human emotion isn't, especially if someone is lonely and depressed to begin with.

[shadowplay]

now I feel afraid to leave my house, that I'll run into him on the street. It's a good possibility since we both live downtown and only a few blocks apart.

[Star Gazer]

No, it's not logical. A lot of human emotion isn't, especially if someone is lonely and depressed to begin with.

 

You're justifying a negative thought pattern.

 

When's the last time you saw your therapist?

[Star Gazer]

The thing is when I get something positive out of LS, it's not when people try to hammer things into me, especially when some of those comments verge on nastiness.

 

I just KNEW you were going to insinuate that I'm being nasty. It's interesting how you expect the best out of people but assume the worst about their intentions, whether it be someone who's trying to help you, or a guy you're interested in/dating/sleeping with.

 

I sincerely hope you've learned some valuable lessons, and won't make the same choices again in the future.

[LisaLee]

now I feel afraid to leave my house, that I'll run into him on the street. It's a good possibility since we both live downtown and only a few blocks apart.

 

You shouldn't be that way, Shadow. Who cares if you run into him? Be cordial and go on your merry way. Or ignore him. Whatever makes you feel better.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I am stunned that people feel that what this guy is doing OK by not offering a single word of explanation.

 

There truly are less kind people out there, even with my most negative estimate.

 

Also, isn't it kind of obvious that tough love won't work with people such as Shadow?

 

I have seen more compassion in threads such as "one date, he never called".

[shadowplay]

saying my behavior with him on the date was manipulative and pathetic was pretty insensitive, even if you think it's true. I doubt many people would argue with that. There are some things you don't say when somebody has just been hurt.

[shadowplay]

anyway, I'm done with this thread.