Mutant Debutante Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Let's say you meet a very interesting guy through some contacts at a new job. He's a combination you haven't seen in a long time, smart, knowledgeable in your field, artistic, attractive, has some charisma, seems witty and genuine, gives you that pinging feeling in the pit of your stomach when he stands close. He asks you out. Hurray! Ping ping ping! Your last relationship ended badly because the guy couldn't handle dating someone with kid-responsibilities. How do you tell the new guy that you have a child you are fully responsible for? When, exactly, do you tell him?
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Let's say you meet a very interesting guy through some contacts at a new job. He's a combination you haven't seen in a long time, smart, knowledgeable in your field, artistic, attractive, has some charisma, seems witty and genuine, gives you that pinging feeling in the pit of your stomach when he stands close. He asks you out. Hurray! Ping ping ping! Your last relationship ended badly because the guy couldn't handle dating someone with kid-responsibilities. How do you tell the new guy that you have a child you are fully responsible for? When, exactly, do you tell him? You tell him as soon as your comfortable... but it should be within the first 3 dates. In my experience you will probably have to tell him while scheduling one of the dates. Single Moms tend to be low on availability.
jennifer4 Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Maybe I'm odd but I usually work it into our first conversation. It weeds out a lot of men who aren't interested in dating a woman with children. I have 4 so they're usually shocked, sometimes they ask for my number and sometimes they don't. I'd rather not even have a first date with a guy who'll judge me because I'm a mom. Or if he'd just rather not date someone with children. Good luck to you.
phineas Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 You make sure he knows BEFORE the first date. I mean seriously do you ladies want to date a guy that waits a few dates before drops a deal-breaker? I personally don't care since I have my own kids. The only thing I need to know is whether the father is still in the picture & if he's paying child support or you make enough money to support your child fully.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I personally don't care since I have my own kids. The only thing I need to know is whether the father is still in the picture & if he's paying child support or you make enough money to support your child fully. Oh... Yeah this can be a huge dealbreaker.
Author Mutant Debutante Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 In my experience you will probably have to tell him while scheduling one of the dates. Single Moms tend to be low on availability. Yeah, that's a pretty good point, but I have a weird work schedule in general and a built-in babysitter so I've got more flexibility in some ways than most. Maybe I'm odd but I usually work it into our first conversation. It weeds out a lot of men who aren't interested in dating a woman with children. I have 4 so they're usually shocked, sometimes they ask for my number and sometimes they don't. I'd rather not even have a first date with a guy who'll judge me because I'm a mom. Or if he'd just rather not date someone with children. Good luck to you. I have already had a few conversations with this guy but they were mostly about our jobs and work connections we both know. He asked me out already and I heard he asked someone about me but I don't think the person he asked knows much about my personal life, it's a new job for me and nobody knows me very well. I'm not sure what he asked about, I think just if I was seeing anyone that they knew of. Then he asked me out the next day, and I said yes. He's supposed to call about it tonight or tomorrow, and I'm wondering if I should say something then, wait until the first actual date, or what. The guys I've dated since the kids came to live with me usually knew the situation up-front because they were friends of friends or saw me out with my sisters, etc, so this hasn't come up much. I totally understand why you would want to use it as a kind of a litmus test though, why go along with feeling judged, or get to like somebody before you put them in a position to reject you?
silverfish Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 You make sure he knows BEFORE the first date. I mean seriously do you ladies want to date a guy that waits a few dates before drops a deal-breaker? I personally don't care since I have my own kids. The only thing I need to know is whether the father is still in the picture & if he's paying child support or you make enough money to support your child fully. I agree with before the first date, or at least on it if the opportunity didn't present itself before. Curious regarding the bolded part though - why on earth would you need to know that? It seems an odd thing to ask. It's like you telling me you have a dog, and me asking you if you feed it....
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 [/b] I agree with before the first date, or at least on it if the opportunity didn't present itself before. Curious regarding the bolded part though - why on earth would you need to know that? It seems an odd thing to ask. It's like you telling me you have a dog, and me asking you if you feed it.... If you don't make any money it's not important. If you do... it can be very important.
Author Mutant Debutante Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 You make sure he knows BEFORE the first date. I mean seriously do you ladies want to date a guy that waits a few dates before drops a deal-breaker? I personally don't care since I have my own kids. The only thing I need to know is whether the father is still in the picture & if he's paying child support or you make enough money to support your child fully. It happens to everybody all the time that they find out stuff that doesn't thrill them about the other person during the dating process, that's what the whole process of dating is for, otherwise we'd all get married and live happily ever after on day 1. There is no father and there is no child support. I have custody of my little sister, and I pay for everything. My middle sister also lives with us while she goes to college so I have a free live-in babysitter. [/b] I agree with before the first date, or at least on it if the opportunity didn't present itself before. Curious regarding the bolded part though - why on earth would you need to know that? It seems an odd thing to ask. It's like you telling me you have a dog, and me asking you if you feed it.... I know, that seems weird and really presumptuous for a first date. Like, maybe I should print out a spreadsheet of my monthly budget and show it to him so he can decide whether he wants to have coffee with me or not?
jennifer4 Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I'm not so sure about the child support issue coming up so soon but I do think telling him over the phone or in person before the first date would be best. That's just how I am, I'm not into wasting time. If he is a decent guy he'll be ok with it and go ahead with the date. I hope it works out for you.
phineas Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 [/b] I agree with before the first date, or at least on it if the opportunity didn't present itself before. Curious regarding the bolded part though - why on earth would you need to know that? It seems an odd thing to ask. It's like you telling me you have a dog, and me asking you if you feed it.... Because I'm already paying child support & day care for my two kids & have no desire to add any more into that mix. I'm getting bled out because my wife made so much less than me. I won't date a single mom seriously unless she makes money comparable to me or has child support rolling in.
ColdFox Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I am a widow, with a toddler. I haven't dated much since my husband died, I did try it for a while but decided I wasn't ready. The few men I went out with then I usually told on the first date, if they didn't already know my circumstances. They seemed to be more bothered about my being a widow than about my son, a lot of people don't know what to say about tragedy and loss. Probably there will be men who will not know what to make of the family baggage implied in your story, as well. Anyway it is what it is. I guess I will resume telling men the bone structure of my story early on, I think I am getting ready to try dating again. Good luck to both of us, and to Jennifer4.
alexlakeman Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 It's ok that a woman has kids, but she better have a game plan on baby sitter, weather it's the father or????? when she goes on a date.. what if the b/f wants you to sleep over etc... As for widows? I don't date them.. I don't like being second choice... They'll be remembering their dead ex on his b/day, date he died, birthday, etc. etc.. If she goes to the cementary would that be cheating? just weird.. I have kids myself, and prefer women with kids, as long as they do have an ex husband / family to take care of the kids, as I do..
jennifer4 Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 alex, wow, that was alittle harsh. To each his own. Second choice? Not quite, but whatever. I do have someone who can watch my kid but just because a guy wants me to spend the night doesn't mean I always can, regardless of childcare.
Lizzie60 Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Let's say you meet a very interesting guy through some contacts at a new job. He's a combination you haven't seen in a long time, smart, knowledgeable in your field, artistic, attractive, has some charisma, seems witty and genuine, gives you that pinging feeling in the pit of your stomach when he stands close. He asks you out. Hurray! Ping ping ping! Your last relationship ended badly because the guy couldn't handle dating someone with kid-responsibilities. How do you tell the new guy that you have a child you are fully responsible for? When, exactly, do you tell him? I would tell him right off the bat... at the first 'ping-ping'...
witabix Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 If its important to a man one way or the other he should be asking or finding this stuff out. Its quite easy to bring children up in conversation.
Disillusioned Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 A kidless person can learn to pick out who's a parent. Being a parent messes with one's logic abilities.
Lemontang Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I've never had a problem dating single mums, single mums deserve to be loved too in my book. Besides it's a pretty educated guess that they at least know what to do in bed (), plus I've always gotten on along great with kids (I'm a big kid myself sometimes). As fun as it has been though I've always found it difficult to bring the relationship to a close when things don't work out, because it's not just one person your breaking up with sometimes, but then you don't enter a relationship with someone just to break up with them do you?
jennifer4 Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I am a widow, with a toddler. I haven't dated much since my husband died, I did try it for a while but decided I wasn't ready. The few men I went out with then I usually told on the first date, if they didn't already know my circumstances. They seemed to be more bothered about my being a widow than about my son, a lot of people don't know what to say about tragedy and loss. Probably there will be men who will not know what to make of the family baggage implied in your story, as well. Anyway it is what it is. I guess I will resume telling men the bone structure of my story early on, I think I am getting ready to try dating again. Good luck to both of us, and to Jennifer4. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find a man who won't feel threatened by the fact that you are a widow. I wish you the best of luck and thank you.
jennifer4 Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 A kidless person can learn to pick out who's a parent. Being a parent messes with one's logic abilities. SO how does being a parent mess with my logic abilities?? Funny because most people I meet are shocked when I tell them I have 4 kids.
EasyHeart Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Different men will have different opinions about dating single moms, but they will all have an opinion. If it's a dealbreaker for him, then it's best for boht of you that you know that ASAP, so I agree with the people who say you should tell him right away. It's really easy. Most single moms bring it up by telling a story or otherwise mentioning something adorable their child did, which let's him follow up with asking about the kids.
JL Hancock Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 if they have no kids you dont know. they might be bad at it. if they have kids you can tell if they are bad at it. if you dont have kids you might be bad at it and someone with good kids can teach you more than one with no kids or bad kids.
LondonS Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 you should tell him first time when you meet... two factors here: How old is your child? How financially secure are you ?
Author Mutant Debutante Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 I am a widow, with a toddler.... They seemed to be more bothered about my being a widow than about my son, a lot of people don't know what to say about tragedy and loss. Probably there will be men who will not know what to make of the family baggage implied in your story, as well.. You are right. I get that from a lot of people when they hear a little bit about it, they immediately know my home life growing up was a mess and some people back off quick. But the good ones stick around and see what things are like NOW. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you have great luck going back into the dating world. It's ok that a woman has kids, but she better have a game plan on baby sitter, weather it's the father or????? when she goes on a date.. what if the b/f wants you to sleep over etc... . Well my middle sister also lives with us and she babysits a lot when I need her to. But just because I have a live-in babysitter doesn't mean she is ALWAYS available or that I would just sleep over at this guys house whenever he wants me to, I haven't even had ONE date with him yet. And no I'm pretty sure someone going to visit a cemetary is not cheating If its important to a man one way or the other he should be asking or finding this stuff out. Its quite easy to bring children up in conversation. That's a good point, he definitely hasn't asked me much about my family life yet or if I have kids or anything. Although I am only 24 and most of the people I run around with don't have kids. We met through a production at work and so far we have just talked about art/work. A kidless person can learn to pick out who's a parent. Being a parent messes with one's logic abilities. What? You must have a LOT of kids then, to make an illogical statement like that.
Author Mutant Debutante Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 As fun as it has been though I've always found it difficult to bring the relationship to a close when things don't work out, because it's not just one person your breaking up with sometimes, but then you don't enter a relationship with someone just to break up with them do you? Yes that is the hard part and it is the reason why I don't usually let a guy I'm dating meet my little sister until we're getting serious. She's never met anyone I was just casually dating, or didn't know well yet. And even when she has met them, I try not to let her get too attached. It's really easy. Most single moms bring it up by telling a story or otherwise mentioning something adorable their child did, which let's him follow up with asking about the kids. So far we haven't talked much about personal stuff but I'm sure we will on the date, and I will definitely bring it up then. I was never planning on dragging it out, I am just a bit nervous. you should tell him first time when you meet... two factors here: How old is your child? How financially secure are you ? The first time I MET him? I don't go around telling everybody I just met about my personal life even if I think they're cute. If you mean on the first date, I do plan to tell him then, when we have more time to talk and get to know each other. They are 19 and 9, so the older one isn't much of an issue, she's more like a roommate/friend who babysits and helps around the house instead of paying rent. They've been with me 3 years, and things are tight but I'm not looking for a guy to help out if that's what you're implying.
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