So is there a point to being with a guy who doesnt want to get married

[AverageJoe]

Some one who posts long rants about how horrible and selfish women are.

 

Someone like you.

Once again emotion.

Logic, substance, intellegent dialogue, you have none. I am done with you. You are a sick individual. You have no sense of rational clarity. Afterall, someone that disagrees with your opinions is a klan member. Sick, and disgusting. I am done.

[Woggle]

Your life is pretty much like mine except with the genders reversed. My mother was horribly abused by her father and in retaliation abused my father and I. It is a very vicious cycle in my family and for all my issues at least I am smart to have decided I will never be a father.

[Green]

Quite frankly, I have been through incredibly shoddy treatment from men the majority of my life, starting with my father who did everything he could to abuse me in retaliation for the way he was treated by his mother. He is a woman-hater and he never could reconcile the fact that he was a father to two girls.

 

He constantly emotionally battered my mother and accused her of cheating all of the time. She was barely ever allowed to leave the house, and when she did she was only allowed to go to certain places.

 

My father was a cheater and a constant pushy womanizer.

 

I didn't know how to pick a mate after all of that. I walk around carrying a great deal of shame. I have been used by men in all ways. I have been abused by men. I didn't learn how to say "no" until my early 20s. By then my father had maxed out my credit making it impossible to continue with my schooling. I have teetered on the edge of bankruptcy off an on for ten years. My husband pushed our debt envelope past reasonable even after I begged him to stop.

 

Last year I discovered his infidelities. I learned that being like my mother was going to get me nowhere. My daughter would witness this bs. I put a stop to that and started setting boundaries. I didn't care if he would fight with me or leave me, things needed to change. I cancelled our credit cards, I do not allow myself to behave in ways that are shaming (passive-agression, insults, guilt-trips) I do not allow myself to be shamed, especially in front of my daughter. I choose what I wish to do and I try to respect other's feelings at the same time.

 

Ironically enough when I met my husband, I did not want to get married but I could tell that he had a lot of feelings for me and I didn't want to tell him no. I am glad that we are married but the changes have been very painful to make, but they are worth it. Our house isn't a home of depression and anger and resent. We work together to meet goals. Our sex life hasn't improved yet but we are working on it.

 

My overarching point is... despite all of this I don't hate men. I don't look at all of them like they are all jerks. I clean houses for a living and everyday I step into homes where the husbands and wives treat each other well and have a healthy interest in their families. In some places you can see how much they care and admire each other. I believe that there are good men out there, I just didn't have the proper filter (boundaries) to find them when I was younger. I am role-modelling strength and change for my daughter (Even though she is only 15 months old) because when she wants to have a family I want her to be able to have a good filter in place to find someone who will respect her.

 

If you are finding that women walk all over you and disrespect you, then you need to stop wearing your WELCOME T-shirt and stop lying down in front of them.

 

Men like your father are rewarded with a never ending flow of fresh women who LOVE to take his crap.

 

Seriously I blame women for all the dousche men who have every incentive in the world to stay a dousche

[dreamingoftigers]

Men like your father are rewarded with a never ending flow of fresh women who LOVE to take his crap.

 

Seriously I blame women for all the dousche men who have every incentive in the world to stay a dousche

 

I don't think I gave my father any reason at the age of 4 to scream at me and slam my head repeatedly against the car window because I asked him at the store if I could have a chocolate bar. Apparently I should've known better because he wanted to be able to say "no", but I guilt-tripped him.

 

Or when I was 16 and showed up fifteen minutes late after curfew (8:00pm by the way), pardon me "17 ****ing minutes" and he strangled me to the point where I thought he had damaged me permanently and told me he was going to "rip off my head and piss down my dead skull." The police ended up taking me out of my house (took them long enough, he had so many complaints of similar behaviour.

 

That's funny because I used to think that men were the ones who convinced women that if they opened their legs all would be fun and fine and then totally jerked them around. Now I just think that people with shame and trauma attract each other and bounce off of each other in weird ways because they don't know how to relate in a healthy manner. I think that even if my father had no support from women to act the way he does, he would isolate himself and continue to spout hate. (At least that would be the case if he hadn't have been so shamefully outed on his last affair, he is now seeking therapy and has begun EMDR. He hasn't been even rude to me in about 3 months).

 

People who hate and blame tend not to look at themselves very much, they are too obsessed with what everyone else is doing.

 

You know what? None of my father's "women" were there, or were responsible for his actions.... he was. No one is responsible for men being douchebags besides the influences that were held over them during childhood and the men themselves. At the end of the day, asking a naive, (even stupid) 18 year old who is in a "relationship" with a 45 year old married guy to be accountable for HIS actions is ridiculous. Is she stupid? Yes. Is she responsible for her own actions? Yes.

 

It is like blaming the dealer or the junkie for both sides of the equation, whereas if either would stop what they were doing, it would solve the other half of the equation (of course, if there were only one dealer and one junkie, but it works on a larger scale too).

[dreamingoftigers]

Your life is pretty much like mine except with the genders reversed. My mother was horribly abused by her father and in retaliation abused my father and I. It is a very vicious cycle in my family and for all my issues at least I am smart to have decided I will never be a father.

 

I was caught by total surprise that I was going to become a mother. I was told for about 10 years that I would not be able to conceive and carry to term. Wrong on both counts. Although she was unexpected, my daughter is the best thing to have ever happened to me and I want to be a great mother that happened to her too. I am glad she is here because she was the best wake-up call to examine my life and fix where it is unhappy so that she can have a happy life and not have to go around feeling like I did. Her father feels the same way. I am so relieved that so far she is a really happy kid, and I can tell she is pretty attached to both of us

 

If you think being a father would bring you joy someday but are certain that you don't want to do it because you don't want to continue the cycle, then perhaps looking deeply into your own issues and making sure you address them would give you a solid enough backing to become an effective and happy father. It's a pretty awesome life-changing part of the Human Experience.

[Woggle]

I will never be fully okay so it is best that I not pass this on to another generation.

[aerogurl87]

You: Want to get married.

Him: Doesn't want to get married.

Solution: Find a guy who wants to be married.

 

Simple as pie.

[Tony]

You: Want to get married.

Him: Doesn't want to get married.

Solution: Find a guy who wants to be married.

 

Simple as pie.

 

And with that very simply solution, which is one of the few posts in the last few pages that's on topic, we will end what has become the most bizarre thread in a while. Many thanks for everyone's participation...even the off topic bickering posts I deleted...and the later ones I should have deleted. It's late and I'm tired.