Woggle Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I was thinking today about my friend from the ill fated BBQ and I can count the number of happy relationships I know on one hand. The rest just seem to be full of misery and resentment. Despite my posts I really do want to make my marriage a happy one and I want to give myself fully to my wife but being surrounded by all this misery just wears on a guy. What is the point of trying to commit for the long haul if it just ends up in that?
allina Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I know of quite a few, including mine and my parents'. Unfortunately I also know of some miserable ones that make me wonder wtf the point is, but the bad aren't more common than the good.
TouchedByViolet Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 What is the point of trying to commit for the long haul if it just ends up in that? Life is a journey, as the cliche goes. You shouldn't live in the fear of some possible doom that awaits your relationship in the sometime future. It is self destructive and reduces your quality of life. As long as your wife treats you great and makes you smile when you see her keep treating her great. Even when relationships get rocky it is important to realize that hard times exists. The trap is when a person takes his/her SO for granted and starts treating them with less and less quality. For some reason, their SO doesn't stand up for him/herself and the gradual ultimate outcome is misery... I would optimistically say 20% of relationships involve a couple who are deeply happy.
tami-chan Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I was thinking today about my friend from the ill fated BBQ and I can count the number of happy relationships I know on one hand. The rest just seem to be full of misery and resentment. Despite my posts I really do want to make my marriage a happy one and I want to give myself fully to my wife but being surrounded by all this misery just wears on a guy. What is the point of trying to commit for the long haul if it just ends up in that? Define "happy". As for you, I think you should let your wife go..maybe she will meet a less bitter guy...okay, maybe that's too drastic. You need to just take it one day at a time and stop looking at other people's lives and comparing yours to theirs. Appreciate what you have right NOW. I can see how your observations "wears on" on you. Gosh, I am exhausted just reading your posts at times. It seems you are spending your life watching out for what is wrong and being on guard in what could be wrong in your relationship...phew! ! ..take a breather, woggle! My BF and I are "happy"...although we could be "happier" if we were actually in one place instead of commuting.
TouchedByViolet Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 the bad aren't more common than the good. You are either very lucky in those you befriend or blind. Half of all marriages end in divorce and many of those who don't are not a picture of happily ever after....
denise_xo Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Woogle, what are you afraid of? Just give yourself to your wife. There are no guarantees in life. I've lived in societies where divorce rates are almost non-existent but lots of people are really miserable. Life is what it is - including pain and heart ache and everything that goes with it. If you let it stop you from enjoying the good bits, that's really losing out IMO. If you have good communication with your wife, mutual attraction, and a good basis to build upon, you're in a pretty good place.
allina Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 You are either very lucky in those you befriend or blind. Half of all marriages end in divorce and many of those who don't are not a picture of happily ever after.... I'm neither blind or lucky, I'm smart and choosy. I know that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and I'm not shocked by it. I see mentally inept people getting married and having children all the time. I see people marrying who are unable to have a calm, reasonable conversation, I see people marrying after a history of cheating and abuse. True, sometimes things just don't work out but in 99% of cases you can tell that a marriage/relationship will fail. But those people aren't my problem. My only concern is my relationship with my future husband. The future of a relationship isn't something that's random or should be left to chance. That statistic has reasons behind it and those reasons can be worked on and prevented. Here is another statistic, nearly 50% of Americans are overweight. That doesn't mean that each person has a random, 50% chance of suddenly becoming over weight. We control our futures
Author Woggle Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 50% of marriages end in divorce plus most of the ones that do stay together are unhappy in some way. Add to that the fact 75% of divorces are intiated by women and you see why a guy feels cynical about things. Honestly I am afraid of heartbreak. It took a lot to bounce back from the end of my first marriage though in many ways it was a blessing in disguise and I am afraid of another heartbreak. Plus if you think I am bitter towards women right now just imagine how I would be if god forbid my current wife betrays me. Believe it or not I have mellowed quite a bit compared to when I first got divorced.
lab_brat Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I know of one- a couple i work with. They were both in crappy marriages in the past, but now they're together they're just inspiring. They've been together for 3 years now, in their late 40s and are so in love, so happy, so considerate and loving and they laugh together and just adore each other and fit together perfectly. I think part of the reason they click so well and are so grateful to have found each other is because both of their ex-spouses were frankly nutty, and now they appreciate what they have in each other. They give me hope that some relationships do work out. But yeah, good point, most seemed doomed to failure Depressing thought for a monday morning here.
quankanne Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I'm not so sure "happy" is what you want when you talk about a relationship, because it's such a subjective term. YOU can be happy, and be completely unaware that she's miserable, yet you'll still call it a "happy marriage" ... or vice versa. And happiness isn't one hundred percent, if you think about it ... I think maybe the term you're searching for is "solid" or even "good" relationship, which takes into consideration those times you want to pinch off that other person's head despite how much you love 'em because they're driving you nuts. Because a good relationship allows for even the negative stuff, knowing that it is grounded in the bedrock of love and respect. Wog, have you ever considered going to a marriage enrichment session with your wife, where you focus on what makes YOUR marriage good for the two of you? And helps keep you focused on that, instead of straying looks at bad relationships? Wanting to commit fully, but fearing what *could* happen is a normal feeling, but at some point, you're gonna realize that what you feel for this person – and your relationship with her – is greater than your fears of possible failure, and you're going to do whatever you need to do to ensure the relationship is built on solid ground. once you do that, "happiness" happens more frequently. Even if you DO want to pinch her head off sometimes because she drives you nuts with some little idiosyncracy
lab_brat Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Believe it or not I have mellowed quite a bit compared to when I first got divorced. actually i was noticing the other day you seem to be less cranky-bitter than you used to be. Good on you man. Growth is hard, but i figure whatever you can do to heal yourself can only be good for your marriage in the long run right?
aerogurl87 Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Other than mine I know of 3 happy relationships. One is my boyfriend's parents, who are really happy together. The other two are of two people I went to high school with. Both are engaged and really happy with their fiances. My parents on the other hand, well they claim to be happy but I find it hard to believe.
threebyfate Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Woggle, your view of a happy relationship is idealized to an ridiculous level where the woman never once complains to or about the man. Notice the reverse doesn't hold true? Men can complain and it's perfectly normal. Not every man is emotionally fragile. As far as happy relationships, most around me are happy.
yah Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 About five, all in my family. I only included marriages. I'm 24 so most of my friends are happily single. As an observer, it seems the key is friendship and trust.
zengirl Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I was thinking today about my friend from the ill fated BBQ and I can count the number of happy relationships I know on one hand. The rest just seem to be full of misery and resentment. Despite my posts I really do want to make my marriage a happy one and I want to give myself fully to my wife but being surrounded by all this misery just wears on a guy. What is the point of trying to commit for the long haul if it just ends up in that? Dozens. I don't like this idea that whether or not your relationship is happy is entirely outside you. So much is an active choice. Many relationships fail because of the things many people do. The key, if you really want to learn, is to look at the differences between successful, happy relationships and the ones that fall apart. Sheer numbers tell you very little.
mem11363 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Your W has shown you solid, honest, loving behavior from the get go. She has quite simply earned your trust. I just think that men sometimes have a hard time differentiating between trusting and being assertive. I totally trust my W. I expect her to boundary test but that is no big deal. When I have been sick, when parents have died she goes into 100 percent nurture mode and does zero boundary testing. She seems to only "test/push" when I am at full strength. Maybe she figures it is pointless to be naughty if I am too sick/tired/depressed to spank her.... :) I was thinking today about my friend from the ill fated BBQ and I can count the number of happy relationships I know on one hand. The rest just seem to be full of misery and resentment. Despite my posts I really do want to make my marriage a happy one and I want to give myself fully to my wife but being surrounded by all this misery just wears on a guy. What is the point of trying to commit for the long haul if it just ends up in that?
Stung Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I know many solid positive relationships, including my own, my parents', my cousins', two of my husband's sisters', several of my friends'. My husband's parents were together happily for over thirty years before his mother was widowed. I know several other relationships that seem happy or at least content, although I don't have any real insight into them so it could be a public facade. None of us are super-happy all the time, of course, but everyone is committed to work through any issues that come up and nothing is egregiously wrong anywhere. Obviously I know people who have had really bad relationships or made mistakes in marriage. I have a couple of friends who have gone through divorces--have a good friend who is going through one right now. They're definitely turbulent and difficult. I know marriages that have hit rocky patches, but they worked through it and recovered. But I don't know anyone who has been hanging around for years languishing in a sucking whirlpool of misery, like you seem to be suggesting everybody around you does.
skydiveaddict Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I was thinking today about my friend from the ill fated BBQ and I can count the number of happy relationships I know on one hand. The rest just seem to be full of misery and resentment. Despite my posts I really do want to make my marriage a happy one and I want to give myself fully to my wife but being surrounded by all this misery just wears on a guy. What is the point of trying to commit for the long haul if it just ends up in that? Woggle, respectfully I submit you take your marriage for granted sometimes. Being alone is no fun I can tell you first hand as can a lot of others here. Be thankful for what you have.
Clep Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Out of all of the married couples I know there are only two that aren't very happy. The rest which has to be over thirty or so are very happy. I can't think of any that have been married for under five years, and most are at between the ten and 40 year mark.
Author Woggle Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 I don't expect any relationship to never have any problems ever but most of the ones I know it seems that they don't even love their partners and that is especially true on the woman's part. They seem to have more affection for a stranger walking down the street then they do their husband or boyfriend. The only men that seem to be making marriages work for them are ones who act like neanderthals and treat their wives like my barber. I am not judging these men for doing what work ssince they tried to have an equal and it didn't work but that is not the kind of marriage I want.
Clep Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I don't expect any relationship to never have any problems ever but most of the ones I know it seems that they don't even love their partners and that is especially true on the woman's part. They seem to have more affection for a stranger walking down the street then they do their husband or boyfriend. The only men that seem to be making marriages work for them are ones who act like neanderthals and treat their wives like my barber. I am not judging these men for doing what work ssince they tried to have an equal and it didn't work but that is not the kind of marriage I want. Why worry about others and compare your relationship to theirs. You have the ability to make yours thrive and stay that way. If I am not happy with my relationship, I look at myself first and if my current perceptions are bringing me the desired result. There are many things you can be doing to create a dynamic relationship. What things are you currently actively doing on a consistent basis to nurture your relationship? What more could you be doing? That is what I would be asking myself.
threebyfate Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 So who's telling you they're unhappy? The women?
Author Woggle Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 So who's telling you they're unhappy? The women? They usually don't say it but it is obvious.
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