I'm terrified of meeting this guy from OKC

[D-Lish]

Shadow, you had a great date with a guy.

If we could get into the heads of the people we are interested in, we wouldn't ever make mistakes.

[Nukulus]

Anyone else think that maybe this guy had a great time and was being honest when he said he wanted to see her again?

 

In my opinion, and that's all it is, is that maybe he was playing it cool. Not wanting to rush things or seem like a clinger after the first date. I know sometimes I have to actively not do this, especially if I really like the person.

 

So I say stop worrying about it, go on the second date and then make a call based on how it goes.

 

Through reading your posts you sound like a great girl Shadow, you just need to cool your jets and go with the flow. Dating is supposed to be fun! (Or so I thought).

 

One more bit of advice... It sounds like you've placed this guy on a pedestal. I think you should take him off of it, because it's only going to make things worse down the road.

[Land Shark]

I was scoping out my competition on the site, and there's at least one girl on there who both may be as smart as I am (though it's hard to tell from a profile), and is more attractive. I'm sure he's seen her profile and messaged her. If she responds and then meet up, I'm out. It's that easy.

 

You're a nutty nut, Shadow. Ever heard of chemistry? Personality? And what if she doesn't dig him? Do you think it's all so superficial? Her breath might be bad. She might be a racist (I've met a few pretty ones). She might ask him to try on one of those plastic balls fits in the mouth and straps around the head.

 

Maybe HE'S not that great. You've never even thought of that. After a couple more dates, you might be yawning and checking your watch while he plays is Nintendo.

 

I think you'd benefit from meditation. Clean all this garbage out of your head.

 

R-e-l-a-x.

Edited September 8, 2010 by Land Shark

[SadandConfusedWA]

Shadow, I was also scoping my competition with the fake profile and there are 2 girls in my area that sound quite intelligent and are definetly more attractive than me.

 

So I feel like this guy and the politician are really hoping to get with those 2 girls. I mean, you couldn't miss them on the site. Those girls also have high percentage match with me, which means that they most likely have high percantage match with both guys too

 

Fair play I guess. If I was a guy, I would choose them too.

[Serenitynow]

You're a nutty nut, Shadow.

 

I think you'd benefit from meditation. Clean all this garbage out of your head.

 

R-e-l-a-x.

 

.............................................................................................

[Kamille]

Why do you do torture yourself like this Shadow?

 

And why are your expectations so high after one date?

 

First your torture yourself over meeting him. You meet him, you have a good time.

 

Now you torture yourself about date two.

 

Your mind plays tricks on you. For some reason you're incredibly attentive to any perception that "disqualifies" you and inattentive to the signs that things are going well. You had a good time on the date. You made out, so he was at least physically attracted to you. He's into going on a second date with you! How could things be going better?

 

 

As to him being on the site... Well, you seeing him there... Doesn't that mean you're on the site too? And that's how it should be SP. You just met this guy. Keep looking at new profiles. Multi-date. Maybe it will mellow you down and keep you on getting so emotionally wrapped up in one guy so fast.

 

Or... meditate.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I hope things work out with this guy Shadow.

 

Even with all my negativity, I don't think this situation is a write off at all...

[shadowplay]

Eh, I just can't psych myself up for this date (assuming he calls to confirm). I feel like it's already a bad sign that he went from iming/texting me constantly before the date to not at all after the date.

 

He hasn't texted or imed me once since. I was the one to initiate our im conversaton yesterday.

 

I feel like his reason for this must be to not encourage me and make me think he's that interested...but then why did he bother to set up the second date at all, even when I gave him an out? I don't get it. Is he just hoping to get some easy sex out of the deal, but not encourage me for anything more?

 

I've been trying to distract myself, but this whole thing just makes me uncomfortable. It was hard enough for me to go on the first date, but I don't know if my skin is thick enough to go on a second already knowing he's probably low interest.

[Star Gazer]

Honestly? I don't think he's looking for easy sex. Rather, he figures something like this:

 

"Eh, I don't really care either way, but she's interested and not horrible to be around. Plus, I have nothing better to do. Who knows, maybe she'll change my mind and I'll actually want to see her again..."

[Mme. Chaucer]

Eh, I just can't psych myself up for this date (assuming he calls to confirm). I feel like it's already a bad sign that he went from iming/texting me constantly before the date to not at all after the date.

 

He hasn't texted or imed me once since. I was the one to initiate our im conversaton yesterday.

 

I feel like his reason for this must be to not encourage me and make me think he's that interested...but then why did he bother to set up the second date at all, even when I gave him an out? I don't get it. Is he just hoping to get some easy sex out of the deal, but not encourage me for anything more?

 

I've been trying to distract myself, but this whole thing just makes me uncomfortable. It was hard enough for me to go on the first date, but I don't know if my skin is thick enough to go on a second already knowing he's probably low interest.

 

Hope you don't take this as "mean" because I don't intend it that way:

 

Why not work on yourself for a while and forget about dating / relationships until you get your self esteem and boundaries bolstered up? That would help you to be attractive to the guys you want to attract, to deal in a realistic and fair way with dating and meeting, and to have a lot to bring to a successful relationship.

 

The way you are approaching all this could not possibly end in a successful relationship, IMO. It's a no - win situation.

[threebyfate]

Eh, I just can't psych myself up for this date (assuming he calls to confirm). I feel like it's already a bad sign that he went from iming/texting me constantly before the date to not at all after the date.

 

He hasn't texted or imed me once since. I was the one to initiate our im conversaton yesterday.

 

I feel like his reason for this must be to not encourage me and make me think he's that interested...but then why did he bother to set up the second date at all, even when I gave him an out? I don't get it. Is he just hoping to get some easy sex out of the deal, but not encourage me for anything more?

 

I've been trying to distract myself, but this whole thing just makes me uncomfortable. It was hard enough for me to go on the first date, but I don't know if my skin is thick enough to go on a second already knowing he's probably low interest.

Note the bolded word? You don't know this for fact. What's happened is that you've already made up your mind about what he's thinking and feeling, where he might just be playing the normal online dating game of wait it out.

 

Go on your second date and see what happens. Worse case scenario, the two of you don't hit it off. No great loss since it's only the second date. Best case scenario is that the two of you connect and there's a third date, which he should be responsible to organize.

[shadowplay]

Honestly? I don't think he's looking for easy sex. Rather, he figures something like this:

 

"Eh, I don't really care either way, but she's interested and not horrible to be around. Plus, I have nothing better to do. Who knows, maybe she'll change my mind and I'll actually want to see her again..."

 

Which is why I don't want to go on a second date...

 

If he's already "meh" about me, I don't see how anything I'd do would make him change his mind.

[Cracker Jack]

You over-analyze things too much, no offense.

 

You can't read his mind. For all you know, he could really be very interested. How can he fully show you this when you look at everything from a negative angle?

[shadowplay]

This is the kind of situation where can't figure out what's best for me. What's best for a normal person is obvious. Just go and relax. But given my severe insecurities and anxiety, I don't know if it's possible for me to take on that attitude, no matter how hard I try, and come away from this experience having grown.

 

It was the right choice for me to go on the first date, but I feel like I'm going on the second with a severe handicap because I have this very real sense that he's low interest.

 

Is it really worth the risk? Consider that even if I try to relax and take this not too seriously, I'm fighting against very ingrained insecurities. Will I really be able to grow from this experience if I get rejected? Or will I instead come away feeling worse about myself and internalizing -- which I fear. I can easily imagine myself getting rejected and then deciding to stop dating altogether. An isolated rejection is OK, but I've been rejected by the last few guys in a row I've shown interest in and it's starting to really get to me.

 

I just want to do the right thing for myself, in order to grow. I don't know what that is, realistically.

 

I keep wondering what it is about me that falls short for most guys. I know I have a lot to offer inside, and I think I've gotten better at showcasing those qualities...yet my dating life has deteriorated. It feels like most women are the ones rejecting rather than being rejected when they go on dates. I'm always in the opposite position.

 

I thought that just pushing myself to get out more and change my behavior would naturally change my unhealthy thought patterns and improve my self image. It turns out that while I've successfully pushed myself and taken risks, I've just internalized the failures and disappointments I've encountered along the way. My skin hasn't grown any thicker. That's not the way it's supposed to work. I'm not sure what to do about this.

Edited September 8, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

in other news, I just looked online to see an instructor for last semester gave me a "c-" in an incomplete I spent the better half of the summer working on so I would get a decent grade.

 

(apparently, he said I missed too many classes... a lot of those absences were before the abortion and related to me being sick, which I told him at the time). Man, I lost everything to that abortion. Boyfriend, job, decent grade in a class.

 

I wish he had just told me I'd be getting a bad grade no matter what. I spent sooo much time on those assignments, and they came out pretty well, I thought. That was a total waste of my summer... So much for grad school.

 

I'm not having a good day.

Edited September 8, 2010 by shadowplay

[LondonS]

hun, Relax...Online dating is always like that, I have recently joined Match and not too keen on any one person. Met one guy who sounded very interesting via text but a totaly dissapointment in real as although he was cute, he had nothing to talk about.

I think best solution is to have a couple of people at any one time until exclusive so it doesnt feel like a hard blow if one guy wasnt interested after all. Also, try not to invest too many expectations in early stages. I am trying to just take my own advice and got a couple of dates planned with two different guys. I am not communicating with them heavily until I meet them, if they text, I answer after many hours if they were absolutely needed to be answered.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Maybe it would be a good idea to do something that gets you out of yourself for a while, where you would be removed from self analysis or thinking on and on about what other people are thinking about you. Do you have any friends who are in need of help or support that you could help? Or use your spare time volunteering with kids, elderly, women, animals, rather than here on LS hyper-focussing on yourself?

[shadowplay]

he just imed me...

[shadowplay]

we had a short friendly conversation and he ended by saying "see you tomorrow!" so i guess it's going to happen...

 

I was a bit cool, though. I'm still pissed at him for the sudden drop off in communication.

Edited September 9, 2010 by shadowplay

[Land Shark]

What a headcase you are. You need to learn to laugh at yourself a bit more.

[spookie]

Shadow.

 

As EVERYONE in this thread has said, you need to CHILL.

 

One VERY PROBABLE explanation for the drop in communication, is that he is one of those people (of whom there are PLENTY) who prefers to communicate face-to-face, rather than online.

 

Now that you guys are establishing an IRL relationship, he probably does not see the need to IM you all the time. I know I woudln't!

 

He is probably thinking, I can't wait till Thurs to tell her about ___ s!ht that happened to me since our last date! Saving the stuff you'd talk about over the internet, to share with you in person. This is what I would do!

 

Meanwhile, you are thinking, I shouldn't go on this date because he didn't IM me.

 

From your description, it sounds like the first date went REALLY well. It would be insane not to give it at least one more shot.

[BobSacamento]

It's like you are intentionally trying to sabotage this. Why do you need to know everything? Why should he speak to you so much? If he set up a second date, then he likes you. How much attention do you really need?

Edited September 9, 2010 by BobSacamento

[Kamille]

What drop in communication? He IMed you didn't he?

 

Keep your expectations in check Shadow. And try to resist the urge to make him the center of all your thoughts.

 

As Ms Chaucer, do things that get you out of your head. Go out, script a short-film, do something creative, whatever it is that makes you feel like yourself.

 

That being said, have fun tonight. Just be yourself and enjoy it.

[GivenUp0083]

Shadowplay, you need to stop dating. You are clearly not in a healthy mental state suitable to please someone else. You have issues, and that's ok, but you need to deal with them first or you will never be capable of developing a healthy relationship with a man.

 

Depending on your insurance situation, it can still be very inexpensive to see a mental health therapist. Dating drove me nuts at one point about 5 months ago and seeing a therapist changed everything. You'll be able to get out all these feelings that are building up inside of you driving you nuts and confusing you, and they'll help you develop a better mental state and it will help you with dating WAY WAY more than any advice or book or person can give you. Please trust me on this, seeing a therapist is a very normal thing and your thought process on this whole dating thing is not smart and not healthy, especially about feeling inadequate in the looks department. You can overcome it, but give yourself a chance to improve YOU so that when you do meet a great guy you can show him the best YOU possible. I'm afraid that if you meet a great guy now you will surely scare him away or give him a headache. Good luck.

[Stockalone]

we had a short friendly conversation and he ended by saying "see you tomorrow!" so i guess it's going to happen...

 

I was a bit cool, though. I'm still pissed at him for the sudden drop off in communication.

 

Right now, your emotions are all over the place, like that little ball in a pinball machine, bouncing helplessly from one side(in your case, one extreme) to the other.

 

Everyone else has said it, but I'll say it too. You have to stop with the crazy thoughts.

 

You brought up the second date during the IM conversation, at this point he no longer could be the one to bring it up. And it was the morning after the date. There really wasn't much time for him to be the one to initiate and take the lead. It doesn't mean he wouldn't have done it.

 

Just go on the date and try to enjoy yourself. You had fun on the first date, the second date might be just as great. BUT, let him be the one to set up a third date.

 

Obviously, I don't think you should sleep with him, given that I a bit prudish, but right now, you also seem too undecided about what to do to actually have sex without it causing you even more anxiety afterwards.

 

Seriously, you could always contact him after the date (text or e-mail) and thank him for a lovely evening and telling him that you had a great time. That is not desperate or needy and makes it clear you are interested in seeing him again. What's wrong with that? Don't women do that anymore?

 

Then the ball is in his court and if he likes you, he will set up another date. That way, you get closer to each other step by step and that gives you time to sort out your feelings for him. Don't rush things because you feel that there has to be a specific amount of progress with each date.

 

No matter what you do, I wish you luck.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Stockalone