I'm terrified of meeting this guy from OKC

[shadowplay]

He's the only one on the site that I like. We have a date on Monday night, but I'm afraid I'm going to chicken out. I've never blown anyone off before, so it's not very likely that I will. I'm just scared.

 

I worry that I won't be pretty enough for him in person.

 

Some of you may be aware that I've struggled with Body Dysmorphia Disorder for several years. It's gotten a lot better, but my anxieties still pop up all the time whenever I see more "evidence" of how superficial men are, which is unfortunately all the time.

 

I've been trying to focus on other things, but triggers are everywhere. I always knew many guys were superficial, but I guess I hoped there were a good number who also prioritized other traits over physical appearance. I assumed that a lot of intelligent guys had more depth, but not so. A steady diet of Hollywood movies growing up may be to blame for instilling in me false hope that the cute, cool, secretly nerdy guy would overlook the cheerleader for the less beautiful wallflower. Every guy wants a gorgeous girlfriend. It doesn't matter how attractive he is.

 

I don't know what it is, maybe it's something about where I live, but almost every guy who is average or above has a hot girlfriend. You rarely see 6's paired with 6's, or 7's with 7's. You do see 8-10's paired, but they can't upgrade. I can only assume that the regular guys who can't land the hot girls are choosing to be single rather than deign to date a girl who is on their level of physical attractiveness.

 

I think I resent the intelligent superficial guys the most, because I expect more from them.

 

One of my friends (and roommates) is a gorgeous Asian girl. For the record, I really like her, and I don't feel jealous of her or other hot girls. I just resent guys who think attractiveness is all that matters.

 

Her boyfriend is barely above average looking (aside from being tall), and his personality is nothing impressive. He's smartish, nerdy, quiet and kind of unassuming. And he doesn't even treat her that well. He's kind of living off of her since he's lbroke, and they fight all the time. She tells me that he has an Asian fetish, and all of his girlfriends have been really hot. I guess he banks on the fact that a lot of Asian girls like white guys, so he ends up traveling to Asian countries and meeting girls there where his whiteness compensates for his deficiencies. Did I mention they have nothing in common, and most of their communication consists of fondling rather than conversation? His brother is very similar looking. Nice guy, but sort of nondescript. Also by coincidence has a gorgeous Asian girlfriend.

 

I'd say I range from average looking to attractive depending on the day. I have a nice-ish body, but my face is kind of average. It's like I have a combination of pretty features (nice eyes, skin, nose), and plain features (mouth, cheeks, jaw). So I have the kind of chameleonic face that might look kind of pretty in some lightings or at some angles but not others.

 

I'm thinking to myself the guy I'm meeting on Monday night is far better looking than either of these two guys mentioned, smarter, and more likeable. I'm definitely less attractive than my roommate (she's one of the prettiest girls I know), so why would this guy be interested in me if he could land a much hotter girl? I'm sitting in a cafe now facing a window, and beautiful girls keep passing by on the sidewalk. With beauty in such abundance, why would a guy choose to be with me?

 

I have a ton to offer in other respects: intelligence, depth, good taste, good conversation. And believe it or not, despite my uber seriousness on LS, many people have told me I'm a lot of fun to be around once I loosen up. But that stuff is of much lesser importance to men.

 

Is it even worth meeting this guy, if I'll just feel depressed when he rejects me for not being attractive enough? I purposely chose a darkly-lit cafe for the location of our date. I know if we continue to date he'll see me in other settings, but at least it will give him a chance to get to know me without judging me first.

Edited August 26, 2010 by shadowplay

[saiveca]

Nobody's perfect, there's always going to be someone more attractive, more intelligent, no matter what. So should the rest of the world get depressed as well?

 

Let's face it, the majority of people aren't good looking. A happy person will choose to focus on the strengths while the unhappy person will choose to focus on the weaknesses.

 

Who do you want to be?

[Mme. Chaucer]

STOP OVER THINKING!!!!

 

Everyone has some nice and some plain features on their face, but designating your cheeks and jaw as "Plain"? Heck, at least you have the pretty eyes and skin and a good bod. Pretty eyes, body and skin trump plain cheek and jaw every time. I know this.

 

I have not seen a pic of you but from what you said, your enemy is yourself. You absolutely must be perfectly fine looking and just right for the right guy.

 

By picking yourself apart like this you are totally buying into and fully participating in the superficiality that you reject.

 

I truly understand how you feel, though, and I was in that place myself. The thing is that "feelings aren't facts." Putting yourself out there is a very risky and vulnerable thing to do. You're going to have to buck up, no matter how hard that is. You cannot let any guy's perception or even rejection of you dictate your own self worth. Sometimes you won't be their thing, and you have to accept that. Sometimes you are going to meet a horrid superficial jerk (like quite a few here on LS - which might not be a very healthy place for you) and you will have to recognize that it's THEM, not YOU.

[Star Gazer]

Your enemy is yourself. You absolutely must be perfectly fine looking and just right for the right guy.

 

By picking yourself apart like this you are totally buying into and fully participating in the superficiality that you reject.

 

The thing is that "feelings aren't facts." Putting yourself out there is a very risky and vulnerable thing to do. You're going to have to buck up, no matter how hard that is. You cannot let any guy's perception or even rejection of you dictate your own self worth.

 

Totally agree.

 

Shadow, I'm really not sure online dating is a good vehicle for dating given your BDD. It seems the less anxiety-producing method of dating (for you) would be dating guys who already see you in person. ??

[shadowplay]

Totally agree.

 

Shadow, I'm really not sure online dating is a good vehicle for dating given your BDD. It seems the less anxiety-producing method of dating (for you) would be dating guys who already see you in person. ??

 

the thing is I don't date in real life, since guys don't ask me out. So it's either online dating or nothing at this point.

[CLC2008]

That has got to be the dumbest logic I have ever heard. But I am not surprised at all that it came from a mind of a female.

 

 

 

 

.

 

Wth kind of advice is that?

[shadowplay]

That has got to be the dumbest logic I have ever heard. But I am not surprised at all that it came from a mind of a female.

 

 

 

 

.

 

Please keep your bitter posts out of my thread, or I'll report you to the mods.

[Star Gazer]

the thing is I don't date in real life, since guys don't ask me out. So it's either online dating or nothing at this point.

 

And what's wrong with nothing at this point? Do you feel you need to be dating to be worthwhile? What's wrong with waiting until you meet someone who doesn't cause these anxiety feelings (which for you would be waiting until someone does ask you out in person, thus relieving you of "he doesn't think I'm attractive" worry)??

[Star Gazer]

Shadow, do they have "speed dating" in your area? That might work really well for you. Short, 6-8 minute "dates," and then in the end if someone asks you out, you'll know they found you attractive. And if they don't ask you out, you won't be too upset because you will have invested only those few minutes with them.

 

Just something to consider.

[Serenitynow]

Everyone take a step back, and think of the thought process one has to have to think meeting someone under "bad lighting" conditions is a positive start to a good relationship.

 

 

.

[Star Gazer]

Everyone take a step back, and think of the thought process one has to have to think meeting someone under "bad lighting" conditions is a positive start to a good relationship.

 

Dude, just go away. Your commentary isn't helpful to Shadow in the slightest, nor anyone else here. While meeting in a dimly lit room prevents her from showcasing her true self, it's really no different than wearing a padded bra. So move on, mmkay?

[shadowplay]

Shadow, do they have "speed dating" in your area? That might work really well for you. Short, 6-8 minute "dates," and then in the end if someone asks you out, you'll know they found you attractive. And if they don't ask you out, you won't be too upset because you will have invested only those few minutes with them.

 

Just something to consider.

 

I looked online and the nearest real venue is in the city, which is over two hours away. I wouldn't mind making the commute. The only thing is if anything speed dating is more anxiety provoking for me, but if I'm not able to meet somebody through other means I'll consider it.

[Serenitynow]

Sorry, but the opinions here dont all have to overlook the obvious, and just shower the people with positive enlightenment.

 

Do you want me to tell everyone to look in the mirror and say "im a good person" over and over? Because thats all that most of you are doing.

 

 

.

[meerkat stew]

So this is the -only- profile that appealed to you on all of OKC in your area, yet it is -guys- who have ridiculous standards in whom they will date?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If this guy is so hot and wonderful, why is he still "looking for love" on OKC?? Why not worry more about whether you will like him than whether he will like you!

[carhill]

Some of you may be aware that I've struggled with Body Dysmorphia Disorder for several years. It's gotten a lot better, but my anxieties still pop up all the time whenever I see more "evidence" of how superficial men are, which is unfortunately all the time.

 

Happy to read you're feeling positive of late. Anxiety is a normal and healthy emotion; accept it. It doesn't have to rule you. Has this man from OKC shown you in word or action that he is a 'superficial man'? IOW, right now, is this anxiety you feel based upon your interactions with him? If you had not met him and did not have a date planned for Monday night, would you be anxious? This is kinda like bending the spoon, if you know what I mean...

 

I psyched myself out of a lot of good times and potentially healthy relationships when I was your age. Sounds so familiar. Hope you work it out.

[pandagirl]

Shadow, I understand what you're going through, because I went through the same thing in my early-mid twenties. I used online dating as a way to force myself to deal with things. On my first online date, I almost bailed, until I was like, "Screw it. I need to deal with this. This date is just one date and not the end of the world."

 

I understand it's scary, but the truth is, even if you think you do, you don't look much different from the photos you posted online. Also, from what I can tell, you come across as a very interesting person in your dating profile and one who has specific tastes about things. You aren't "generic."

 

This guy is interested in you, because you are interesting to him. The truth is, if even he met a the most "beautiful girl in the world" and she listed her favorite movies as "Titantic" and "Twilight," he would probably lose interest in the blink of an eye!

 

You're just meeting a guy. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

[shadowplay]

So this is the -only- profile that appealed to you on all of OKC in your area, yet it is -guys- who have ridiculous standards in whom they will date?

 

I'm only picky when it comes to non superficial traits, honestly. What I look for is a combination of personality and intelligence and compatibility. I'm very lenient about looks. As long as a guy isn't overweight, shorter than me or downright unattractive in the face, I don't really care. This guy just happened to be attractive, but that's not the reason I'm interested in him. I would have also gone on a date with him if he were just average looking. I'm actually less picky about looks than most women are, because other girls often question my taste.

[kalikula]

You need to work on this... If anything he wouldn't like you because your self confidence is so lacking.. That can be a big turnoff to guys.

 

Just because some average guys are managing to get hot girls doesn't really mean anything.

 

In my experience, I personally have started having higher standards. I've definitely gotten cuter but only in the ways of hairstyle, dressing, self confidence, makeup. And the guys I've been hanging out with have had better personalities, their **** together AND much cuter. I think being confident is very important. Also I have seen a lot of guys with girls who have smoking bodies with just decent faces.. Just work what you have!

[Star Gazer]

Why not worry more about whether you will like him than whether he will like you!

 

This is a good point. I was able to actually ENJOY dating once I changed my perspective to be more concerned about whether I liked them, as opposed to whether they liked me.

[shadowplay]

You need to work on this... If anything he wouldn't like you because your self confidence is so lacking.. That can be a big turnoff to guys.

 

Just because some average guys are managing to get hot girls doesn't really mean anything.

 

In my experience, I personally have started having higher standards. I've definitely gotten cuter but only in the ways of hairstyle, dressing, self confidence, makeup. And the guys I've been hanging out with have had better personalities, their **** together AND much cuter. I think being confident is very important. Also I have seen a lot of guys with girls who have smoking bodies with just decent faces.. Just work what you have!

 

Well, I don't have a smoking body unfortunately. I'd say it's nice and that's it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm terrified of meeting this guy from OKC

 

 

What would John Walsh advise at a time like this?

[meerkat stew]

I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment and being too selective at the profile level simultaneously. Online dating profiles are highly idealized ads, not something you can rely on as determinative of who a person is, good or ill. People who write well tend to have better profiles, but not every person who writes well is honest, emotionally healthy, or even particularly intelligent.

 

You claim to be seeking a certain "geeky" element, and many of those types will not have the best profiles. Seeking commonalities in a profile is just a start, they have to be borne out in person.

 

The stupidest, most vapid and superficial woman I ever dated from the net was Ivy educated and had one of the best profiles I have ever seen. She could sit down and write up a really entrancing picture of herself, but it was all a facade.

[alexlakeman]

Hope it works out... just do it... he's probably as nervous or more nervous than you... gd luck

[Ellezz]

You're just nervous because you like him, relax and be confident.

 

Not all guys are that superficial. Even he is, it's better to find out sooner than later right?