I'm terrified of meeting this guy from OKC

[Stockalone]

So...

 

went on the date. It went really well! We ended up having a steamy make out session at his house. Finally, I told him I needed to go home because I had school the next day. But he's extremely cute, smart, shy, and respectful. He was more shy and nervous than expected. I can't get over how such a cute guy could be so shy. I guess it's because he's pretty nerdy, and sort of in his own little world. But we were watching Casino Royal on his couch and there was a very gradual progression from our hands being inches apart, to almost touching, to touching, to stroking and hand holding, to my head on his shoulder, to kissing. He wasn't pushy at all, though, yet also seemed really into me.

 

 

Congratulations, it's great that you had a positive start into your online dating endeavour. I hope that things continue to go well.

 

Has he made plans to go out again, yet? That would IME be a good sign becaue shy and nerdy guys usually are very interested to meet up again when they like the woman.

[CLC2008]

So...

 

went on the date. It went really well! We ended up having a steamy make out session at his house. Finally, I told him I needed to go home because I had school the next day. But he's extremely cute, smart, shy, and respectful. He was more shy and nervous than expected. I can't get over how such a cute guy could be so shy. I guess it's because he's pretty nerdy, and sort of in his own little world. But we were watching Casino Royal on his couch and there was a very gradual progression from our hands being inches apart, to almost touching, to touching, to stroking and hand holding, to my head on his shoulder, to kissing. He wasn't pushy at all, though, yet also seemed really into me.

 

 

Woohoo!! That is fantastic, with a capital F!

[shadowplay]

Ugh. He's being weird. Last night when I told him I had to leave, he couldn't stop kissing me, all the way to the door. Right before I left while we were kissing I said, "we should hang out again some time." And he immediately said, "definitely!" in a sincerely very enthusiastic voice.

 

I got concerned when I logged onto aim this morningand he didn't message me, like he almost always does. Finally, I wrote "hey." I'll transcribe our convo. Bear in mind there was a long delay on his end between each response. Usually he responds almost immediately.

 

me: hey

pause

him: good morning

me: thanks

pause

him: all ready for the first day?

me: it turns out i don't have any classes today, not until tomorrow

longish pause

me: did you want to meet up again?

him: that would be great

me: cool

long pause

me: when works for you?

really long pause

me: hey, if you don't want to hang out again that's cool, but i'd rather you just told me

him: (sorry, conference call)

me: oh, sorry!

take your time

him: but yes, I do want to hang out again

long pause

him: sorry about that, I know I just disappeared

other than Wednesday, anything is fine

(after this point the pauses were shorter)

me: cool, thursday would probably work best for me. i'm working this weekend

him: sounds good to me

another drink? movie somewhere?

me: movie sounds good

him: when do you get off work? 10ish again?

me: no, i'm not working on thursday night

so it could be earlier

him: he links to a movie and show time in our town

me: looks good, i saw another movie the director did that i liked

him: alrighty then

I'm usually back around 6; dinner and the late show?

me: yeah sure

sounds like fun

him: great

me: ok, i gotta go. ttyl!

 

I know it was probably a mistake for me to say "if you're not interested in hanging out again, that's cool, but just tell me." Yet having been led on by so many guys before, I didn't want to spend days wondering what the deal was. I tried to give him an out. There was a noticeable change in his behavior. (Like before the date he was texting me often and almost always imed me when I logged on, and he didn't pause between responses.) But I still feel like he's low interest and leading me on.

 

I don't understand, because I thought he was really interested when I left last night. I'm worried that he just wants to use me for casual sex. Maybe it was a mistake to make out on the first date. No clothes came off, but we did touch each other a tiny bit through our clothes. He had a huge boner. And, no, he wasn't intoxicated.

 

I'm tempted to not go, because what's the point if he's low interest? I'm worried that he's thinking, "eh, I don't really like her, but I'll probably get some easy sex out of it."

 

Ugh, I wish if guys were low interest they would just be upfront about it and stop hanging out.

 

Btw, I doubt he's seeing someone else because he's always been free every single night except wednesdays when he has practice.

[Kamille]

Shadow... it's not even been a day since the date! You're already taking the lead in: 1) suggesting you see each other again 2) contacting him and 3) setting up the next date. Just slow down. Let him take the lead once in awhile. Try to match his pace from now on. If you suggest you see each other again, let him get in touch with you. That way, you both negotiate the pace at which your relationship develops. Make sense?

 

Relationships take time to develop. You can't expect insta-relationship from this guy.

 

But hey, the good news is, you have on a date together soon. Up until the date, I suggest you keep busy doing other things and let him get in touch with you.

[Land Shark]

Be cool, Shadow.

[Stockalone]

Ugh. He's being weird. Last night when I told him I had to leave, he couldn't stop kissing me, all the way to the door. Right before I left while we were kissing I said, "we should hang out again some time." And he immediately said, "definitely!" in a sincerely very enthusiastic voice.

 

I got concerned when I logged onto aim this morningand he didn't message me, like he almost always does. Finally, I wrote "hey." I'll transcribe our convo. Bear in mind there was a long delay on his end between each response. Usually he responds almost immediately.

 

me: hey

pause

him: good morning

me: thanks

pause

him: all ready for the first day?

me: it turns out i don't have any classes today, not until tomorrow

longish pause

me: did you want to meet up again?

him: that would be great

me: cool

long pause

me: when works for you?

really long pause

me: hey, if you don't want to hang out again that's cool, but i'd rather you just told me

him: (sorry, conference call)

me: oh, sorry!

take your time

him: but yes, I do want to hang out again

long pause

him: sorry about that, I know I just disappeared

other than Wednesday, anything is fine

(after this point the pauses were shorter)

me: cool, thursday would probably work best for me. i'm working this weekend

him: sounds good to me

another drink? movie somewhere?

me: movie sounds good

him: when do you get off work? 10ish again?

me: no, i'm not working on thursday night

so it could be earlier

him: he links to a movie and show time in our town

me: looks good, i saw another movie the director did that i liked

him: alrighty then

I'm usually back around 6; dinner and the late show?

me: yeah sure

sounds like fun

him: great

me: ok, i gotta go. ttyl!

 

I know it was probably a mistake for me to say "if you're not interested in hanging out again, that's cool, but just tell me." Yet having been led on by so many guys before, I didn't want to spend days wondering what the deal was. I tried to give him an out. There was a noticeable change in his behavior. (Like before the date he was texting me often and almost always imed me when I logged on, and he didn't pause between responses.) But I still feel like he's low interest and leading me on.

 

I don't understand, because I thought he was really interested when I left last night. I'm worried that he just wants to use me for casual sex. Maybe it was a mistake to make out on the first date. No clothes came off, but we did touch each other a tiny bit through our clothes. He had a huge boner. And, no, he wasn't intoxicated.

 

I'm tempted to not go, because what's the point if he's low interest? I'm worried that he's thinking, "eh, I don't really like her, but I'll probably get some easy sex out of it."

 

Ugh, I wish if guys were low interest they would just be upfront about it and stop hanging out.

 

Btw, I doubt he's seeing someone else because he's always been free every single night except wednesdays when he has practice.

 

Going home with a guy and making out with him on the first date can cause misunderstandings. If he wanted sex, he could think you were being a tease when you went home after making out. I see nothing wrong with "only" making out, but some guys complain about blue balls and such.

 

But it can go either way. Not every guy wants/expects sex on the first date or is only interested in casual sex.

 

I wouldn't read too much into the fact that he took his time to respond. If he was at work, he might simply have been busy. Or if he was at home, he could have been talking to a roommate or have been on the phone, which would explain the delay.

 

But before I start to analyze your situation to death (if I haven't already done it), my advice is that you try to avoid just that. Instead of overanalyzing, wait for him to set up/confirm your date on thursday. Go on the date and see how it goes and how he behaves.

[shadowplay]

Shadow... it's not even been a day since the date! You're already taking the lead in: 1) suggesting you see each other again 2) contacting him and 3) setting up the next date. Just slow down. Let him take the lead once in awhile. Try to match his pace from now on. If you suggest you see each other again, let him get in touch with you. That way, you both negotiate the pace at which your relationship develops. Make sense?

 

Relationships take time to develop. You can't expect insta-relationship from this guy.

 

But hey, the good news is, you have on a date together soon. Up until the date, I suggest you keep busy doing other things and let him get in touch with you.

 

Believe me, I absolutely won't initiate again. I feel like an idiot for writing what I did in the im conversation. I still think he's low interest, though, so I have my doubts about whether I should even go.

[shadowplay]

Going home with a guy and making out with him on the first date can cause misunderstandings. If he wanted sex, he could think you were being a tease when you went home after making out. I see nothing wrong with "only" making out, but some guys complain about blue balls and such.

 

But it can go either way. Not every guy wants/expects sex on the first date or is only interested in casual sex.

 

I wouldn't read too much into the fact that he took his time to respond. If he was at work, he might simply have been busy. Or if he was at home, he could have been talking to a roommate or have been on the phone, which would explain the delay.

 

But before I start to analyze your situation to death (if I haven't already done it), my advice is that you try to avoid just that. Instead of overanalyzing, wait for him to set up/confirm your date on thursday. Go on the date and see how it goes and how he behaves.

 

Wouldn't this only bother a guy if he were just interested in casual sex? I mean it's pretty understandable that a girl wouldn't want it to go that far that fast. It's awkward because you can't exactly kiss either unless you have privacy, and the only place for privacy is usually someone's place. I wanted to kiss him, which is why I agreed to go over.

Edited September 7, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Shadow... it's not even been a day since the date! You're already taking the lead in: 1) suggesting you see each other again 2) contacting him and 3) setting up the next date. Just slow down. Let him take the lead once in awhile. Try to match his pace from now on. If you suggest you see each other again, let him get in touch with you. That way, you both negotiate the pace at which your relationship develops. Make sense?

 

Relationships take time to develop. You can't expect insta-relationship from this guy.

 

But hey, the good news is, you have on a date together soon. Up until the date, I suggest you keep busy doing other things and let him get in touch with you.

 

Ugh, I probably totally blew it with my stupid ims.

[D-Lish]

Believe me, I absolutely won't initiate again. I feel like an idiot for writing what I did in the im conversation. I still think he's low interest, though, so I have my doubts about whether I should even go.

 

Just don't let your doubts get the better of you Shadow!

I agree with Kamille- it hasn't even been 24 hours and you're contacting him, asking him out, asking if he's interested... You have to slow it down, catch your breath and play it cool or you really will scare him away.

 

Just allow him to contact you about confirming the date- don't chase him for confirmation....Don't chase him period.

 

Patience is your friend:)

[Land Shark]

Stop trying to read his mind, Shadow. You have absolutely no idea what he thinks of you. Except that you're a good kisser.

 

Don't try to interpret his mannerisms on IM. Don't read anything into what he does or says for the next few days.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't think it is wrong to initiate, per se.

 

But Shadow ... you really need to "be cool," like the other poster said.

 

Give some space!

 

 

At this moment, you have NO idea what his level of interest is or is not, and you might not get to find out because you have taken away the chance for HIM to think about it and to show you.

 

Maybe the guy needed a little time to put it all together. Who knows what he felt during that making out? Maybe he REALLY REALLY likes you and is not so comfortable about it since you just met? Maybe he had a lot of sexual feelings and wanted to step away from that for a few hours to figure out where he really stands. Hot make out sessions can be confusing the next day. Maybe he thinks that the two of you have reached some new level so that constant texts or IM's are not necessary now.

 

It is really putting another person in a corner when they are communicating with you and you IMMEDIATELY go to that place of "if you don't want to hang out, that's fine." If a guy did that to me when I was dating, it would have been a huge red flag to me.

 

You seem to be tremendously insecure and you are really putting this guy (and others, I imagine) in an unfair position in your efforts to protect yourself.

 

On another note, I will reiterate what I posted before, on other threads:

 

I believe that it is highly unwise to communicate excessively with online prospects before you've met. It DOES indeed establish a false intimacy, or set up expectations that are unlikely to be able to be sustained (like the immediate IM's & texts, etc.)

[Kamille]

Ugh, I probably totally blew it with my stupid ims.

 

I don't think you blew it. You do have a date coming up. No, you did good. I just wanted to point out that you're taking the lead here and, for your sake and his, you should pace yourself. I just think you're being impatient.

 

I still think he's low interest,

 

His interest level isn't the question right now. What matters is whether or not you find him interesting. Don't make it into "I hope he likes me" so soon. Right now, you're just getting to know him. You had a good time. You would like to see him again to get to know him more. Pace yourself and keep things in perspective. You don't know this guy. Get to know him before you decide you want to be with him.

[Stockalone]

Wouldn't this only bother a guy if he were just interested in casual sex? I mean it's pretty understandable that a girl wouldn't want it to go that far that fast. It's awkward because you can't exactly kiss either unless you have privacy, and the only place for privacy is usually someone's place. I wanted to kiss him, which is why I agreed to go over.

 

I believe so, yes. If he would stop dating you because you didn't have sex on the first date, he obviously isn't right for you anyway and you have lost nothing worthwile.

 

 

Ugh, I probably totally blew it with my stupid ims.

 

I personally, have always welcomed clear signs that a woman is interested in me. You already kissed and you told him that you want to see him again.

 

If I like a woman and get clear signs of interest, I'm happy about that. It makes dating a lot easier. But I am also the kind of guy who e-mails the woman after the date, asking if she got home alright or contact her the next day to set up a second date.

 

Sadly, there is a very fine line between being honest and excited and appearing desperate and needy. I have always struggled with that line. It seems that it's generally better to be aloof, especially for women.

 

Honestly though, I rather have a woman who, like you, lets me know where I stand instead of making me guess because she plays it cool.

 

Having said all that, he now knows you like him and would like to see him again. Now it's his turn to show you that he is interested in you. He needs to confirm the date and try to make sure that you have a good time.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Ugh. He's being weird. Last night when I told him I had to leave, he couldn't stop kissing me, all the way to the door. Right before I left while we were kissing I said, "we should hang out again some time." And he immediately said, "definitely!" in a sincerely very enthusiastic voice.

 

I got concerned when I logged onto aim this morningand he didn't message me, like he almost always does. Finally, I wrote "hey." I'll transcribe our convo. Bear in mind there was a long delay on his end between each response. Usually he responds almost immediately.

 

me: hey

pause

him: good morning

me: thanks

pause

him: all ready for the first day?

me: it turns out i don't have any classes today, not until tomorrow

longish pause

me: did you want to meet up again?

him: that would be great

me: cool

long pause

me: when works for you?

really long pause

me: hey, if you don't want to hang out again that's cool, but i'd rather you just told me

him: (sorry, conference call)

me: oh, sorry!

take your time

him: but yes, I do want to hang out again

long pause

him: sorry about that, I know I just disappeared

other than Wednesday, anything is fine

(after this point the pauses were shorter)

me: cool, thursday would probably work best for me. i'm working this weekend

him: sounds good to me

another drink? movie somewhere?

me: movie sounds good

him: when do you get off work? 10ish again?

me: no, i'm not working on thursday night

so it could be earlier

him: he links to a movie and show time in our town

me: looks good, i saw another movie the director did that i liked

him: alrighty then

I'm usually back around 6; dinner and the late show?

me: yeah sure

sounds like fun

him: great

me: ok, i gotta go. ttyl!

 

I know it was probably a mistake for me to say "if you're not interested in hanging out again, that's cool, but just tell me." Yet having been led on by so many guys before, I didn't want to spend days wondering what the deal was. I tried to give him an out. There was a noticeable change in his behavior. (Like before the date he was texting me often and almost always imed me when I logged on, and he didn't pause between responses.) But I still feel like he's low interest and leading me on.

 

I don't understand, because I thought he was really interested when I left last night. I'm worried that he just wants to use me for casual sex. Maybe it was a mistake to make out on the first date. No clothes came off, but we did touch each other a tiny bit through our clothes. He had a huge boner. And, no, he wasn't intoxicated.

 

I'm tempted to not go, because what's the point if he's low interest? I'm worried that he's thinking, "eh, I don't really like her, but I'll probably get some easy sex out of it."

 

Ugh, I wish if guys were low interest they would just be upfront about it and stop hanging out.

 

Btw, I doubt he's seeing someone else because he's always been free every single night except wednesdays when he has practice.

 

 

Shadow - I did exactly what you did in this IM with the last guy I dated. Sure he was probably a douche and a player but still, I do recognize that behavior as a mistake I am not going to make again. I basically IM-ed him the next day and wanted to set up the next date IMMEDIATELY. I always thought to myself, after next date I will let him take the lead. But nope, I did it repeatedly

 

I would also get slow response time and I kept saying, if you are not interested, that's cool. He would always say that "yes he is interested". Still one of those times I decided to actually cancel the date because I felt like I forced him into it. SO I canceled. UGH. Whatever you do, please don't cancel.

 

Take a deep breath, you haven't ruined anything just yet and let him take the lead next time.

[shadowplay]

so you guys think there's a strong possibility he doesn't like me and set up the date because I initiated?

 

I feel like such a fool. It sucks because now I'm going to have so much trouble going.

 

Oh man....I just realized this is exactly what I did with Mr. Harvard. It's like I can't control myself when I really like a guy. I won't initiate again, but I can't believe I made the same mistake. I vowed after Mr. Harvard never to chase again, and I had stuck with it until now.

Edited September 7, 2010 by shadowplay

[Kamille]

so you guys think there's a strong possibility he doesn't like me and set up the date because I initiated?

 

 

Sigh. Not a single one of us said that. In fact, Stockalone even said the opposite. Shadow, don't let futile fears take over your thought process on this thing. What some of us have pointed out is that you're rushing things. Sit back, let him take the lead and enjoy the ride.

 

And I repeat: stop trying to figure out whether or not he likes you. You've been on one date. You don't know him. Focus on figuring out whether or not you like him.

 

Or, as Land Shark said, stop trying to read his mind. I would also add, focus on your well-being. You did good, you went on a date and had a good time. How fun is that?

[shadowplay]

Sigh. Not a single one of us said that. In fact, Stockalone even said the opposite. Shadow, don't let futile fears take over your thought process on this thing. What some of us have pointed out is that you're rushing things. Sit back, let him take the lead and enjoy the ride.

 

And I repeat: stop trying to figure out whether or not he likes you. You've been on one date. You don't know him. Focus on figuring out whether or not you like him.

 

Or, as Land Shark said, stop trying to read his mind. I would also add, focus on your well-being. You did good, you went on a date and had a good time. How fun is that?

 

Is there some way of rectifying the needy impression I created with this conversation? Like obviously I won't initiate again, but beyond that, should I be somewhat aloof on the date?

[stefspets]

so you guys think there's a strong possibility he doesn't like me and set up the date because I initiated?

 

I don't see how you could get to this point from what's happened. You are reading wayyyyy too much into the situation and what has happened so far.

 

Go out with him on Thursday for the date you set up. See if you have a good time. See if you still like him. Determine from that date how things are going and whether or not you should go out with him again.

 

You had a good first date and he was interested on some level then. Don't read into IM conversations, it is too hard to tell what they mean. Maybe he wanted you to IM him because he was nervous to talk to you after your first date. Maybe he was doing something else while you were trying to IM him. He said he was on a conference call, didn't he? Give him the benefit of the doubt that he was legitimately busy rather than assuming you did something wrong. You don't know exactly what was going on and there are a million possibilities so just stop analyzing it.

 

I don't really buy into this nonsense where girls can't pursue (though I do think there should be mutual interest and effort on both parts). I know you've had issues with it so showing some restraint is fine but I don't see a problem with you setting up the second date. Just let him set up the third, give him that opportunity.

 

Go on the date. Have fun. Stop analyzing.

[Kamille]

Is there some way of rectifying the needy impression I created with this conversation? Like obviously I won't initiate again, but beyond that, should I be somewhat aloof on the date?

 

Yes. Let it go. Laugh it off. For yourself. Forget about it.

 

He agreed to the date and was quite cordial in your IM. He explained why he was taking time to answer - conference call. Shadow, all is good. No damage control to be done.

 

Do not bring it up on the date. Do not be aloof. Go on the date and have fun. Be you. Enjoy yourself.

 

Don't fall in the trap of trying to control what he thinks about you. That's up to him. The only thing you control is your own well-being and what you think about him.

[SadandConfusedWA]

No no shadow, you didn't ruin anything. Please don't act aloof or different on the date. That is exactly what I did. I thought "I will show him hat I am not needy", and proceeded to not talk much and barely look at him on the date. It was a train wreck.

 

The guy has to get to know you so that he can fall for you. The tricky part is releasing the need to control the situation.

[Serenitynow]

So, after all this "terror", did anything as such occur when you met him? Or was it all just anxiety built up in your mind?

 

 

 

 

.

[shadowplay]

He's on the site right now. I know it's not a big deal, but it still makes me feel a little bad that he's logging on so soon after our first date. Blah, it seems obvious to me he's low interest.

 

I think I'm going to disable my profile if this second date flops. I feel like somehow my pictures are very flattering, even though I thought I chose honest ones (all taken in the last couple of months, just normal headshots on a webcam. And my body is quite nice, so I know that's not the problem). Because I don't know what is about the pictures that is dishonest, or how to make them more "honest" I don't want to have to go through this rigmarole again and again. I mean should I just put up bad pictures of myself, so their expectations will be low?

 

I'm wondering if it's a really bad idea for me to go on a second date, feeling going in like I kind of pushed him into it. I mean I'm like 90% certain he's not into me.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Is there some way of rectifying the needy impression I created with this conversation? Like obviously I won't initiate again, but beyond that, should I be somewhat aloof on the date?

 

I agree with Kamille. Just start fresh and please, please try to put the brakes on your "active mind attacks" (that's what I call them when they get the better of me). PLEASE try to take your contacts with guys one step at a time. Trying to get ahead and overanalyze stuff that you really have no information to analyze with will not result in a happy and successful relationship with anyone.

[shadowplay]

I think the shopping feel of online dating also makes me uneasy. I'm not into multi-dating. I would have been ready to disable my profile if this guy liked me back. If I meet someone I like, I don't want to compare shop. But I feel like for a lot of people, they do. I was scoping out my competition on the site, and there's at least one girl on there who both may be as smart as I am (though it's hard to tell from a profile), and is more attractive. I'm sure he's seen her profile and messaged her. If she responds and then meet up, I'm out. It's that easy. I think in real life it's different because a shy guy will be elated to just have a girl he likes interested in him, but on here there are so many options and it's so easy to message someone and set up a date.