carhill Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 OP, you might find this thread of interest. As a long-time member, you're probably familiar with the poster and she has been quite open about her condition and is currently in a relationship. I'm sure she'd be happy to talk to you privately. Best wishes and hope it works out
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Thank you. That makes me feel a lot better.
pandagirl Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 OP, you might find this thread of interest. As a long-time member, you're probably familiar with the poster and she has been quite open about her condition and is currently in a relationship. I'm sure she'd be happy to talk to you privately. Best wishes and hope it works out Hey, that's me! Having herpes is emotionally difficult. I am in a relationship, and it still affects me deeply when I have an outbreak. However, I also know that herpes is a really a little thing to have in the grand scheme of love and life. One out of 5 women have genital herpes -- that's a LOT. And all these women are capable and have been in relationship and have had healthy babies. I think you will always fear rejection a little. With each person I told, it got easier and, actually, no one ever walked away from me because of it. The fear is built up in our heads. Do you talk to any of your friends about this? I would highly advise you do. I don't tell just anyone about having it, but most of my close friends know. None of them even blinked when I told them. They were all like, "That's all? I thought you were going to tell me you were raped or something!" Then they all told me they had friends who have it. The fact that they were accepting of me kind of made me realize it was ME who was making it a big deal. That being said, it sure is scary to tell someone you like you have an incurable STD. I honestly believe if he's a good guy and he genuinely likes you, it won't scare anyone away. It also hones your people picker and lets you be with someone who really care about YOU.
bittersweet memories Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Herpes is not the worst STD that you can catch from a male. Truthfully, it is not so bad compare to other STDs stuff. Look at the bright side. If you got the clamidia or the gonococcus, you would be at high risk of infertility because the infection/inflammation obstructs your Fallopian tubes. If you got HPV, you would be at risk of servical cancer. The diagnosis often means the death at age 45-55. If you got HIV, you would die in 8 yrs. If you got syphilis, you are fine after treatment with antibiotics at earler stages. If you got herpes, you have a painful spot on your labia a few times per yr or less assuming that your immunity level is normal. Keep in mind that probability to catch any STD for a female is many many folds higher than for a man. It is because the females have different anatomy of the genitalia and sex organs. It is especially true for the viruses. If you want to be a good person to your partners, my advice is to ask your ob/gyn doctor the details about transmittion of the virus. Explain her your situation in details. You should not rely on tv-clips about the situation. They say that you should take their valtrex every day to protect your partner. They also say that it is so easy to give your partner herpes even you do not have any outbreaks. But, even it is easy to take advice from tv and trust in their opinion, you might want to know opinion of a medical professional as well. also have him wear a condom @ all times!
Eeyore79 Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 also have him wear a condom @ all times! Yeah, and perhaps people with facial herpes should only ever kiss through a sheet of rubber. I mean, they're infectious too right?!
Eeyore79 Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Its actualy all the non sexual ways that you can spread oral herpes that make it less of a stigma. That's stupid. So it isn't a stigma if you catch a disease from a dirty glass, but it's a stigma if you catch exactly the same disease from sexual contact? If you catch facial herpes it isn't a stigma, but then you orally transfer it to your genitals or someone else's - then it magically transforms into a stigma? Why isn't kissing included in that stigma - it's sexual contact and you can catch herpes from it! I'm sorry, but if it's dirty then the people who are walking around with herpes clearly visible on their faces are just as dirty - more so in fact, because they have open sores on their faces which are visible to everyone, and they're spreading it everywhere. At least people with genital herpes keep it private and can't pass it on unless you're having sex with them.
Eeyore79 Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 That being said, it sure is scary to tell someone you like you have an incurable STD. Chicken pox (i.e. herpes zoster) is also incurable and we don't stigmatise that. Once you've had chicken pox, the virus stays in the body and comes out again as shingles, but we don't worry about catching an "incurable disease" like chicken pox. The same goes for glandular fever - that isn't stigmatised, although it's an incurable herpes virus which has been linked to multiple sclerosis, chronic fatigue syndrome, and various cancers. I believe it's something like 70% of the population who carry herpes simplex. 3/4 of people with herpes have it so mildly that they don't even realise they have it, and it never recurs in the majority of people. I tend to think that facial herpes is much worse. Not only are you walking around with unsightly sores on your face, but it can spread to the brain and cause encephalitis, it can spread to the eye and cause blindness, and it can spread to the facial muscles and cause Bell's Palsy where the whole face droops and muscle movement and sensation is lost. In contrast, genital herpes causes few problems apart from occasional discomfort.
Eeyore79 Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Yes, I want kids. I know that a c-section would be necessary as to not to pass the virus on to the child however. Babies in the womb develop antibodies to all infections their mothers have previously had, and this immunity lasts for 3-6 months after birth, so your baby will not catch herpes and you don't need a c-section. The only time there would be any concern is if you catch herpes for the first time while you're pregnant (i.e. you haven't had time to produce antibodies and pass them on to the baby). Or if the baby is very premature (i.e. has not had time to develop antibody protection) and is born while the mother has active sores. Apart from those cases, a c-section is not necessary.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Thank you for all of the information, I really appreciate it:)
MrNate Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Eh, I would never date someone with an STD of that caliber because I want my body to stay as clean as possible. No matter how mild the STD. Especially an incurable one. I only get one body. To the OP, I'm sure there is someone out there who will care for you enough to work through this situation with you. Just keep your head up.
pandagirl Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 If you practice safe sex, the odds of getting herpes from a partner is very low. In fact, it is as low as the chances of getting pregnant from using condoms as birth control. I find it interesting that with the same risks, no one ever thinks about the risk of pregnancy when having sex, even though you basically risk the same changes of getting herpes. I know they're two different things, but I guess I'm saying there is always some risk you take when you have sex.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Ya, I never thought of it that way. Everyone is entitled to their views on whether or not they would get involved with someone with an STD....and unfortunately this is not a gift I can return to the original owner. Just bemoaning the fact that the conversation is never an easy one to have and the rejection associated with it really sucks. All I ask of someone once I tell them about it is to be honest with me about whether they can get involved with me or not. For example, this guy I've been talking to said that it was okay and that he still wanted me, yet I have not heard from him as he said he would do. A simple, you know, this just isn't something I can deal with, would have sufficed. No need to let me down easy by telling me that you accept it and then I don't hear from you.
MrNate Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 If you practice safe sex, the odds of getting herpes from a partner is very low. In fact, it is as low as the chances of getting pregnant from using condoms as birth control. I find it interesting that with the same risks, no one ever thinks about the risk of pregnancy when having sex, even though you basically risk the same changes of getting herpes. I know they're two different things, but I guess I'm saying there is always some risk you take when you have sex. Definitely. That's why I think it's important for both partners to protect themselves. The danger starts when you begin flirt around the idea of condomless sex. As that just ups the chances of something happening quite a bit.
MrNate Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Ya, I never thought of it that way. Everyone is entitled to their views on whether or not they would get involved with someone with an STD....and unfortunately this is not a gift I can return to the original owner. Just bemoaning the fact that the conversation is never an easy one to have and the rejection associated with it really sucks. All I ask of someone once I tell them about it is to be honest with me about whether they can get involved with me or not. For example, this guy I've been talking to said that it was okay and that he still wanted me, yet I have not heard from him as he said he would do. A simple, you know, this just isn't something I can deal with, would have sufficed. No need to let me down easy by telling me that you accept it and then I don't hear from you. You definitely deserve honestly. Hopefully the guys you meet have the guts to at least honor you with that. I think at this point in time, liars are the last thing you need.
Engadget Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 It's not your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty, but as someone with no STD's it's hard to imagine having sex with someone who does have one. There's protection sure, but it's not always 100% same with pregnancy. A girl I dated years ago and I talked and she said she got HPV from her boyfriend that cheated on her. I feel bad for her, it's not her fault she did nothing wrong. Just wish medical science could figure out a way to eliminate STD's. I'm sure that's far away though.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Ya, I just appreciate honesty from someone. I know that not everyone can/will date someone with an STD but you know what? It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Thanks for the support everyone.
Mad Max Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 That's terrible. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I'm going to contradict myself here a bit, but I wouldn't sleep with someone that had an STD like that. I'm not going to risk my health because someone slept with the wrong person. There are people that will accept it as it is, but I'm not one of them. It's not that I don't want to, but I'm clean of STDs and want to remain that way. But, there are dating groups for people with herpes and other STDs. Your best bet would be to find someone through that.
Engadget Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Ya, I just appreciate honesty from someone. I know that not everyone can/will date someone with an STD but you know what? It is what it is and I just have to deal with it. As long as you are upfront with potential partners, that's good. Being honest about is the best policy, there will be people who will accept you and just have to be safe about it.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 That's terrible. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I'm going to contradict myself here a bit, but I wouldn't sleep with someone that had an STD like that. I'm not going to risk my health because someone slept with the wrong person. There are people that will accept it as it is, but I'm not one of them. It's not that I don't want to, but I'm clean of STDs and want to remain that way. But, there are dating groups for people with herpes and other STDs. Your best bet would be to find someone through that. Totally up to the person, I understand that. I already feel bad enough about having it. And as far as sleeping with the wrong person, well I was in a committed relationship with someone who cheated on me, so before that I couldn't say he was the "wrong" person. I know there are groups for people with STD's but I've been very lucky in that very few people have been rude and/or haven't dated me because of it. This situation sucks because I actually liked this guy.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Well, I guess I have my answer; no word from him. So back to the drawing board.
spookie Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I don't have any std's, but at age 24, many of my friends have had something (which is, statistically, about right). Frankly, I don't understand the big deal with herpes. Ok, obviously it's inconvenient, but as far as long-term health risks go, it's pretty harmless, and SO MANY people have it, that I think you're limiting yourself unfairly by refusing to date anyone who does. I don't jump into bed with just anyone, and it would defintily be an extra thing to consider, but despite being "clean" myself, I don't have a "no herpes" rule. Eeyore - actually, you are not right about the lack of distinction with oral and genital herpes. The oral virus headquarters near the face, the gential, near the genitals. It's POSSIBLE to get a genital outbreak from a cold sore, but much less likely, and it's a different virus that you're passing on, one that is not likely to recurr in the genitals after the first outbreak. Therefore, the stigma with the genital variety is the means of transmission.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Thank you, I think with this situation I felt like a leper or undesireable because of it, when if I really think about it, it IS an inconvenience that only actually happens once a year or so. So yeah, the rejection associated with it sucks but I think a lot of people are uneducated about it and make it into this thing that it doesn't need to be. Do I wish I didn't have it? Of course I do but oh well. Can't do anything about it now.
TaurusTerp Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Thank you, I think with this situation I felt like a leper or undesireable because of it, when if I really think about it, it IS an inconvenience that only actually happens once a year or so. So yeah, the rejection associated with it sucks but I think a lot of people are uneducated about it and make it into this thing that it doesn't need to be. Do I wish I didn't have it? Of course I do but oh well. Can't do anything about it now. Doesn't some huge percentage of the population have the herpes virus? EDIT: Just looked it up - 20% apparently As for coping with rejection, there's only one way unfortunately - time and thick skin.
Recommended Posts