Herpes and rejection.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

So when I was 22 years old I was in a terrible relationship with an older abusive man. While we were together he cheated on me and gave me genital herpes. When I confronted him about it later, he said, "I figure I probably gave it to you." Nice huh?

 

Now I'm 32 years old and I get outbreaks once every year or so. I'm lucky I have mild outbreaks. I am forthcoming about this to potential partners. It has varied as to when I tell them, some I have told right before becoming intimate (literally) and some I have told right away.

 

Of course, what I deal with is the rejection associated with revealing this information. Today I was talking with this guy I am interested in and we were talking about secrets. He asked if I had any secrets and I said, "One," to which he responded, "Do tell," and I told him. He was initially silent and then asked me how often I have outbreaks. I told him and then he said that it was okay and that he still wanted me. We continued to converse and he said he will call me later today.

 

Of course after telling him I felt vulnerable and now I'm scared that he won't call and was just trying to be nice about it. I could like him and it scares me he'll reject me because of it.

 

It's not my freakin fault I have this!!!! I thought I was in a monogamous relationship and was left with this. How do I cope with the rejection?

[Cracker Jack]

So sorry to hear about this. The man that gave this to you is a POS. I can't stand people like that. At all.

 

You're doing the right thing hear, tho. All you can do is be strong, and realize that this isn't your fault. If the guy let you know that he still wants you, I'm sure he's being honest. All you can do is be upfront and see what happens when it comes to things like this. There's no easy answer either way.

 

Again, I'm sorry you've had to face this.

[Green]

So when I was 22 years old I was in a terrible relationship with an older abusive man. While we were together he cheated on me and gave me genital herpes. When I confronted him about it later, he said, "I figure I probably gave it to you." Nice huh?

 

Now I'm 32 years old and I get outbreaks once every year or so. I'm lucky I have mild outbreaks. I am forthcoming about this to potential partners. It has varied as to when I tell them, some I have told right before becoming intimate (literally) and some I have told right away.

 

Of course, what I deal with is the rejection associated with revealing this information. Today I was talking with this guy I am interested in and we were talking about secrets. He asked if I had any secrets and I said, "One," to which he responded, "Do tell," and I told him. He was initially silent and then asked me how often I have outbreaks. I told him and then he said that it was okay and that he still wanted me. We continued to converse and he said he will call me later today.

 

Of course after telling him I felt vulnerable and now I'm scared that he won't call and was just trying to be nice about it. I could like him and it scares me he'll reject me because of it.

 

It's not my freakin fault I have this!!!! I thought I was in a monogamous relationship and was left with this. How do I cope with the rejection?

 

I personaly don't want to date a girl with herpes... but then again I've never been faced with a situation where a girl I started to like revealed to me she had herpes.

 

The only advice I'll give you is don't tell people right before sex... you should be telling them before it even gets close to that point if it can be helped... which it can in most situations.

 

They arn't realy rejecting you in a way... they are just rejecting the chances of getting a life long anoying and stigmatized disease.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Thanks. It's just scary especially when I think I could like someone. Ya it does suck but what can I do? It feels like a crappy cross to bear damnit. Oh well one day at a time.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Yep I'm aware it's an annoying thing I wish to God I didn't have it. It's really inconvenient and is not fun to talk about. Yeah, this guy and I haven't been intimate yet we're just getting to know each other.

[Green]

So sorry to hear about this. The man that gave this to you is a POS. I can't stand people like that. At all.

 

You're doing the right thing hear, tho. All you can do is be strong, and realize that this isn't your fault. If the guy let you know that he still wants you, I'm sure he's being honest. All you can do is be upfront and see what happens when it comes to things like this. There's no easy answer either way.

 

Again, I'm sorry you've had to face this.

 

The guy does sound like a jerk... but really why do girls date jerks like this... I mean from my point of view I can spot a guy like this a mile away.

 

I'm curious Cracker Jack would you continue to date a girl you liked after finding out she had genital herpes? I don't know if I could... I mean maybe I would... but I'm not really sure I would want to. It would be upsetting to dump a girl over something like this. All I can say for sure is I'm glad I have never been put in this situation... especialy from her side

[alex1960]

Herpes is tricky.

 

It's not a big deal but at the same time it is. I think someone who truly appreciates you and who understands what herpes is all about may not freak out as much as an ignorant you just met.

 

Medically speaking, there are acts that should be done cautiously, such as oral sex. That limitation could be an obstacle with certain people.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

I was young and naive in that relationship with the "jerk," so I didn't have a clue in heck that he was cheating on me. Now? Would I know? Yes I can spot asses a mile away. This isn't for everyone to deal with and I understand, but my focus of the thread was HOW to deal with the rejection, not "would you date me?"

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Yep it is tricky. I've been very careful with partners and I have not transmitted it to anyone. You're right though, some people would find certain aspects limiting.

[jamesum]

Herpes dont go away? I never got one so I dont know.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

No, it's a virus. Sometimes you have outbreaks where you get a sore or two down south and then they go away within a few days. It's a virus that lays dormant until stress, menstruation, and other factors can stimulate an outbreak. I think in 10 years I've gotten maybe 10 outbreaks.

[Green]

Herpes dont go away? I never got one so I dont know.

 

They go away but they can always come back. Some people get more outbreaks then others.

 

In a way its not a big deal... but society has strange rules and I personaly don't want to go through the pointles stigma's the OP goes through.

 

A lot of people have oral herpes and get infected with it as kids... but people just call them cold sores and don't make a big deal about disclosing or getting them.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Ya it sucks. That's for sure. People don't disclose it but...that's how I got it so I don't want to do the same thing to someone else.

[Eeyore79]

I don't understand why it's not a stigma if you have it on your face, but it's a stigma if you have exactly the same thing on your genitals. (Yes, I know there's more than one type of herpes, but you can get all types on faces and genitals, and it can be transferred from one place to the other).

 

What if someone had it on their face, and transferred it to their partner's genitals? There's no stigma attached to the original carrier, but if he/she transfers it to someone's genitals, then the recipient is stigmatised? That just seems stupid.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Good point.....!!

[Green]

do you want to have kids and a family?

[Eeyore79]

Also, if you should disclose that you have genital herpes before having sex with someone, why don't people with oral herpes disclose it before kissing someone? They never do, do they?

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Yes, I want kids. I know that a c-section would be necessary as to not to pass the virus on to the child however. And eeyore, you have a valid point!!

[Eeyore79]

Nobody ever seems to consider not dating someone just because they get coldsores occasionally, yet they would run a mile from someone with genital herpes, even though in fact it's more or less the same thing.

 

You can catch genital herpes from a partner with a facial coldsore just the same as from a partner with genital herpes, so why do people run away from the genital carrier but not the facial carrier of the same virus? In fact, someone who themselves already has oral herpes would probably run away from someone who has the same virus on their genitals even though they already have it on their face!

 

I would actually think it's worse having it on your face, because everyone can see it!

Edited August 15, 2010 by Eeyore79

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Eeyore, you crack me up!! That actually makes me feel a heck of a lot better. Sick, but true.

[bac]

Herpes is not the worst STD that you can catch from a male.

Truthfully, it is not so bad compare to other STDs stuff.

Look at the bright side.

If you got the clamidia or the gonococcus, you would be at high risk of infertility because the infection/inflammation obstructs your Fallopian tubes.

 

If you got HPV, you would be at risk of servical cancer. The diagnosis often means the death at age 45-55.

 

If you got HIV, you would die in 8 yrs.

 

If you got syphilis, you are fine after treatment with antibiotics at earler stages.

 

If you got herpes, you have a painful spot on your labia a few times per yr or less assuming that your immunity level is normal.

 

Keep in mind that probability to catch any STD for a female is many many folds higher than for a man. It is because the females have different anatomy of the genitalia and sex organs. It is especially true for the viruses.

 

If you want to be a good person to your partners, my advice is to ask your ob/gyn doctor the details about transmittion of the virus. Explain her your situation in details. You should not rely on tv-clips about the situation.

They say that you should take their valtrex every day to protect your partner.

They also say that it is so easy to give your partner herpes even you do not have any outbreaks. But, even it is easy to take advice from tv and trust in their opinion, you might want to know opinion of a medical professional as well.

Edited August 15, 2010 by bac

[Eeyore79]

They say that you should take their valtrex every day to protect your partner.

They also say that it is so easy to give your partner herpes even you do not have any outbreaks.

 

In that case, I think everyone in the world who ever had a coldsore should also take drugs every day so they don't pass it on. They probably shouldn't ever kiss anyone either, since they could easily give their partner (or their children!) facial herpes even if they don't have any outbreaks.

 

ETA: People with coldsores probably shouldn't ever eat and drink in public places either, since they're spreading the herpes virus via forks, spoons and glasses. I'm sure the OP doesn't go around stuffing cutlery and glassware in her p***y - it's the people with facial herpes who are spreading it around!

Edited August 15, 2010 by Eeyore79

[Loquacious Miss L.]

in that case, i think everyone in the world who ever had a coldsore should also take drugs every day so they don't pass it on. They probably shouldn't ever kiss anyone either, since they could easily give their partner (or their children!) facial herpes even if they don't have any outbreaks.

 

Eta: People with coldsores probably shouldn't ever eat and drink in public places either, since they're spreading the herpes virus via forks, spoons and glasses. I'm sure the op doesn't go around stuffing cutlery and glassware in her p***y - it's the people with facial herpes who are spreading it around!

 

this is hilarious!!

[Green]

In that case, I think everyone in the world who ever had a coldsore should also take drugs every day so they don't pass it on. They probably shouldn't ever kiss anyone either, since they could easily give their partner (or their children!) facial herpes even if they don't have any outbreaks.

 

ETA: People with coldsores probably shouldn't ever eat and drink in public places either, since they're spreading the herpes virus via forks, spoons and glasses. I'm sure the OP doesn't go around stuffing cutlery and glassware in her p***y - it's the people with facial herpes who are spreading it around!

 

Its actualy all the non sexual ways that you can spread oral herpes that make it less of a stigma.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Ah I see. Any input, though, as to how to cope with the rejection aspect?