Is this much disclosure good idea?

August 13, 2010

In general, I do agree with with you. But this guy has shown strong signs that he is very into me. He texts me "good morning" and "good night" every day. He also contacts me multiple times even if I don't respond to contact. Once when I didn't respond to any of his contact in 24 hours, he has sent me a long rambling e-mail asking me if I am losing interest in him.
When we I am online and we IM, he will respond immediatly always, and put huge amount of effort into keeping the conversation going.

Perhaps this is unhealthy. Perhaps he is not being genuine. But the vibe that I got from him is that he is VERY strongly interested in me, or the idea of me (given that we haven't met yet).

I am never that confident about someone's interest level, but in this case, I would say that his is higher than mine.

Right, but I think you're missing Winter's point. I don't doubt that he's very interested in you. What I doubt is that he's rarely this into other women, and coming on strong with you, maybe acting a bit clingy, because he thinks you're so amazing. I think this is what Winter was getting at. Usually when a guy comes on strong like this and he doesn't know much about you, it's because of something about him rather than you and he's done this many times before. He may be doing it because he thinks you're amazing, but most likely he has thought the same about a lot of other women he barely knows, which suggests something isn't right in his head. And this isn't to say you're aren't amazing. I think you are. But this guy has never even met you!

Edited August 13, 2010 by shadowplay

August 13, 2010

Yep, I agree with both of you. He comes across as "needy". And I have no doubt that it is more about him than me. He has mentioned that in every relationship the girl ended up dumping him - so I sense that he has a pattern of getting overly-invested and turning girls off with neediness.

I guess I like the attention because I am insecure and it is a good confidence boost (for now). I do have doubts on how well I would cope with this in the long term but I am trying not to put the cart ahead of horse.

August 13, 2010

Had a woman call and give me play by play criticisms of the other men she was dating after every date. Was during the early stages and we weren't exclusive. Seemed harmless at the time. It wasn't, and I ended up wasting several months with that one.

My best guess is he is running mild game on you, trying to build the illusion of a relationship for a fast close once you meet in creating an "us v them" mentality. For all you know, he could have been showing the woman he was on a date with your email with the questions and saying, "check out what kind of nutjobs you meet on the net, I'm soooo glad you are nothing at all like that." You don't even know for sure if he was actually on a date while texting you.

As far as the musician thing, until you see him play an instrument, discount this also. I just ordered a midi controller from amazon, but haven't touched a piano in 10 years, does that make me a musician?

Not meaning to sound paranoid here, but trying to suggest the importance of keeping your eyes open until you meet and begin the LONG process of truly getting to know someone, and not assuming anything until then.

August 13, 2010

I guess I like the attention because I am insecure and it is a good confidence boost (for now). I do have doubts on how well I would cope with this in the long term but I am trying not to put the cart ahead of horse.

For future reference, I think it is very much putting the cart before the horse to have this much contact (including the texting while he's on a date with another woman) and conjecture about somebody you have not met. Or even with someone you HAVE met and are in the beginning stages of dating.

Just my opinion.

August 13, 2010

For future reference, I think it is very much putting the cart before the horse to have this much contact (including the texting while he's on a date with another woman) and conjecture about somebody you have not met. Or even with someone you HAVE met and are in the beginning stages of dating.

Just my opinion.

I disagree. Dynamic between any two people will differ. I don't think there should be any firm rules on this. This has just naturally developed between us. With some other guy, it might be natural to exchange two texts per week. I don't feel like I should censor and restrict contact.

August 13, 2010

after all this build-up if the two of you don't click in person you will be gutted. He sounds a little unstable.

August 13, 2010

after all this build-up if the two of you don't click in person you will be gutted. He sounds a little unstable.

Ha- too right. He hasn't texted me today at all

We set up a meeting for Monday but I find it weird that he suddenly stopped texting. I will text him tomorrow - I hope he is not losing interest.

August 13, 2010

Less text, more flesh

August 13, 2010

I disagree. Dynamic between any two people will differ. I don't think there should be any firm rules on this. This has just naturally developed between us. With some other guy, it might be natural to exchange two texts per week. I don't feel like I should censor and restrict contact.

Of course you will & should do what works well for you, but I am speaking from my own experience. As the other poster said, you could be "gutted." I don't know of any "real" relationships where contact is at this pace. When and if reality does set in, it can bring a tremendous feeling of let down. And if you really do not click, it can leave a really bad feeling in you if you reached a false level of closeness by all this contact.

Here is MY opinion to take or leave once again: The amount of your "head space" that guys you've never met or those who you've maybe met once take up is not healthy. Boundaries and emotional self discipline are good things.

August 14, 2010

I think the real issues are getting obscured. I've had a friend text me during a bad date, it was actually pretty hilarious, they were out for drinks and the woman blew him off to chat up a friend of hers who happened to be there so I got a running commentary. He's a funny guy and very sarcastic.

I do agree it's different if it's a friend of yours. I've had my friends do similar things. It's not nearly so unappealing because they know they aren't mocking to another complete stranger. We're all going to talk about our dates with our friends (and mock the bad ones), but it's a different thing to mock it with a potential date/near stranger. Also, there is a big difference between if the gal is ignoring him and he's just bored and free to text and if he's sneaking away to text-mock. I have friends who've done what your friend did. I don't do long text-commentary, so rarely with me (I'll wait for the actual story over a beer, if there is one), but it happens. No biggie.

So sure maybe this guy was at a dinner for two and he ignored her and it was totally lame on his part. Or maybe she was a complete dud and went to the bathroom every 10 minutes and he was just bored to tears and not the type who would just bail. Or both. Whatever.

This would be a turn-off for me, but mainly because I'm big into being present where you are. But that's a taste thing, not a moral value.

To me the real odd part is not that he was texting in general, but that he was texting SAC about it, instead of some old buddy of his. That's just an odd choice, even if they hit it off online or whatever. That's the part to focus on. It's either most likely manipulative or needy on his part, I think.

Any time a guy goes out of his way to show off what a jerk he is and how special someone else is to them (SaC basically sent him this list of email things that already told him (1) She's dated some jerks who've given her some things to worry about, and (2) She needs to feel special). . . nothing good is going to come from it. That's my particular opinion.

We all do mean things sometimes. I might tell a funny, mocking story about a bad date to a good friend. I wouldn't tell the same story on a first date. I also wouldn't text it during the date, while the person was actively engaged, as I find that rude. But I'm much more direct and I'll just end a bad first date.

August 15, 2010

The amount of contact has kind of slowed down in the last few days which worried me that he is having second thoughts about meeting up.

But he called just now to confirm and say that he is not going to be able to sleep tonight (we are meeting tomorrow after work)

Will keep you posted, but I am soooo excited!

August 15, 2010

BTW there are so many guys on OKC trolling for sex

I keep getting messages like: "I am in your city for few days, let's meet up tonight". Sure dude

Edited August 15, 2010 by SadandConfusedWA

August 15, 2010

Something else:

For all those people that say that I obsess too much early on (I will agree on this one), that I should take it slower, that I expect too much too soon, that a normal guy will take things at a slower pace etc. : Every single time I have dated someone and there was a delay in communication, slow response to texts, not calling me for days after dates or basically signs of what I read to be low interest, it turned out the guy was in fact NOT INTO me just like I thought. It was never "taking it slow" thing that eventually grew into anything.

And unless I REALLY like somone - I tend to let the guy take the lead completly. I just observe and go with the flow. But yeah, all those guys turned out to be "low interest". What you are all saying sounds plausable in theory but it just never worked out for me.

I may post on here and obsess, but it's not like I communicate like that with guys. The guy I have posted about on here is the exception because he was extremely open with me from the start and I just mirrored that.

Anyway, I may get anxious if I don't get a reply to a text within an hour...but nobody knows that. I am sorry but things like not responding to texts for 12 hours without a reason have just ALWAYS turned out to be that the guy either had girlfreind or was only into me casually.

So my obsessivness only really affects me, not the relationships because the guys can't read my mind.

I rarely initiate texts, never attempt to communicate few times in a row without a response. And deep down I DO know the difference between obsessing without a reason and when something is really off.

August 15, 2010

So my obsessivness only really affects me, not the relationships because the guys can't read my mind.

People can sense a lot more than you think. Everyone accepts that dogs can smell fear; it has always seemed equally true to me that people can sense fear, insecurity, and obsessive emotional issues.

At any rate: Something isn't working for you, because you're constantly frustrated. You can believe you're just unlucky, or you can believe it's something you could fix. Those are your 2 options. I've always noticed that successful people tend to make their own luck. (That's not to say that everyone doesn't suffer setbacks, but when it becomes a pattern, it's something.)

August 15, 2010

People can sense a lot more than you think. Everyone accepts that dogs can smell fear; it has always seemed equally true to me that people can sense fear, insecurity, and obsessive emotional issues.

Maybe. But there is the fact that when I don't like a guy that much, I am completly OK and much more balanced. I pretty much forget about them unless they contact me. Yet, even with them - the ones that were not contacting me much - eventually ended up dropping off the face of the earth.

I have never had any success converting a low interest guy into a high interest one.

Edited August 15, 2010 by SadandConfusedWA

August 15, 2010

BTW zengirl, I don't think that it's strictly luck (although luck hasn't been on my side), it's more that I have a very different personality and am simply not compatible with a huge percentage of people.

In 31 years, I have never met a guy that I connect with on a physical, emotional and intellectual level. Not a single one. This is even disregarding if they are interested in me or not. It also includes all friends, co-workers, taken men etc.

August 15, 2010

Every single time I have dated someone and there was a delay in communication

I agree with you on the taking it slow thing. Not communicating back for two days, deliberate brush offs, etc - bleh those are usually either games or signs of low interest. Screw that.

I was just objecting to the particular content in this case.

Anyway now I get to see if I can follow my own advice, I went back on OKCupid this week and on the third day got in touch with this pretty girl who is just off the chart on flattery. In fact she even contacted me first (I haven't quite worked myself up yet to going back to the grind of sending out messages). I am proud of myself for recognizing it immediately, but other the flattery thing that she's smart and funny and hot so I must follow through and see where it goes.

I may post on here and obsess, but it's not like I communicate like that with guys. The guy I have posted about on here is the exception because he was extremely open with me from the start and I just mirrored that.

People can sense a lot more than you think.

This is true, perceptive people can sense issues very quickly, but on LS all the dirty laundry gets aired, it's anonymous, etc. So posters' traits probably get very exaggerated here. It's hard to tell how much of this stuff SAC's (or anyone's) mystery men can really pick up on just based on what we get here.

You can believe you're just unlucky, or you can believe it's something you could fix. Those are your 2 options. I've always noticed that successful people tend to make their own luck. (That's not to say that everyone doesn't suffer setbacks, but when it becomes a pattern, it's something.)

That's pretty much gold.

Edited August 15, 2010 by WintersNightTraveler

August 15, 2010

BTW zengirl, I don't think that it's strictly luck (although luck hasn't been on my side), it's more that I have a very different personality and am simply not compatible with a huge percentage of people.

In 31 years, I have never met a guy that I connect with on a physical, emotional and intellectual level. Not a single one. This is even disregarding if they are interested in me or not. It also includes all friends, co-workers, taken men etc.

this and what you said about converting low interest into high interest: I'm not sure whether you are patient enough in some cases. it seems to me that you bail early rather than try to keep your cool and give the connection a chance

August 15, 2010

Oh, on LS I am at my ABSOLUTE worst. No question there. You guys see me at my craziest. In real life, I have encountered people that have much worse emotional/mental issues than myself (and that are blatantly obvious too) and still have LTRs.

I doubt that a guy can sense that I am looking at my phone for 5 hours when he takes his time to reply to my text.

As for low interest, when you meet someone you are attracted to and excited about, even if it's the very first date, you don't just go days without contact or take over 12 hours to reply to a text. It simply doesn't happen. When it happens more than once, you are better of aborting there and then rather than deluding yourself that he is just "taking things slowly".

I actually think that if a guy is genuinly interested in you and really wants to take things slowly, due to work, recent break up, whatever - he will sit you down and explain it to you. Even then, your best bet is probably not to stick around.

August 15, 2010

Less text, more flesh

That's awesome, Carhill! Did you make that up yourself?

SAD - what are you going to do if he takes out his phone and starts texting someone on your date? Seriously?

I think your real problem with dating is that you spend too much time between initial communication and meeting. During that time, you start to convince yourself you're in love/out of love/he's perfect/he sucks, and you over-analyze everything.

Basically, you totally over-invest and live too much of the "relationship" in your head before you even meet the guy.

With OLD, the clock doesn't start until you actually MEET. And I strongly suggest if you continue to meet men this way, that you share a few emails, perhaps a phone call, then you set up a date for within a few days, and you don't communicate again until the date.

All of this pre-investment will only lead to more frustration and disappointment, as it creates too much opportunity for miscommunication and fantasy.

The guy shouldn't even exist in your world until you meet, and not even for three dates after that. You give these guys too much power and put too much life to something virtual.

August 15, 2010

Great advice, JB. As the master of pedestal-building and outsized expectation projection, I see the wisdom in it and wish I had years ago. I recall having a complete courtship, marriage and divorce on a phone dating site a couple decades ago over the span of three days. My mug shot had a big *unhealthy* stamped in bright red on it

August 15, 2010

this and what you said about converting low interest into high interest: I'm not sure whether you are patient enough in some cases. it seems to me that you bail early rather than try to keep your cool and give the connection a chance

OK, I will give you this example: say you have been dating someone for a month or so. He goes days without contact. When you text him, his average response time is 12 hours (and yes he is one of those people that have a working phone in their pocket 24/7). You suggest catching up and he gives you a vague answer and changes the topic (you still end up catching up once per week, but you have to suggest a place and he seems unethusiastic). When you are both on IM, he takes anywhere from 2-3 to 10 minutes in between IMs without explanation. He also ignores some of your e-mails sometimes.

Would you seriously hang in there in this situatuion and hope that "the connnection" will develop in time or would you get out before you get in deeper and get really hurt?

I am curious. Maybe I am really missing something here...

Sign In

Is this much disclosure good idea?

Recommended Posts

shadowplay

SadandConfusedWA

meerkat stew

Mme. Chaucer

SadandConfusedWA

a_woman

SadandConfusedWA

carhill

Mme. Chaucer

zengirl

SadandConfusedWA

SadandConfusedWA

SadandConfusedWA

zengirl

SadandConfusedWA

SadandConfusedWA

WintersNightTraveler

a_woman

SadandConfusedWA

Jilly Bean

carhill

SadandConfusedWA

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...