SadandConfusedWA Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 While seeing someone for the past month or so (he turned out to be player/jerk) I have kind of put other guys on the back burner. There was one in particular that seemed really interesting and genuine. I told him the truth, that I like this other guy and want to see where things go. He said that he will be waiting for things to go wrong so that he can take me out Now that things did go wrong, I e-mailed him and asked him to be honest with me, is he seeing anyone, when did his last relationship end and how many girls he is talking to online (yes I know, but due to the last guy having a hidden live in gf, you can never be too careful). Now I am worried that I freaked him out I also fully answered the above questions myself (100% honestly).
Art_Critic Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 I guess it all depends on his perspective.. Some guys would just answer the questions and some will not reply.. There is no need to make one guy pay for another's misdeeds however. While trust isn't exactly fully established there are certain things that should come with trust already.. and that is that he is telling you the truth.
TaurusTerp Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 While seeing someone for the past month or so (he turned out to be player/jerk) I have kind of put other guys on the back burner. There was one in particular that seemed really interesting and genuine. I told him the truth, that I like this other guy and want to see where things go. He said that he will be waiting for things to go wrong so that he can take me out Now that things did go wrong, I e-mailed him and asked him to be honest with me, is he seeing anyone, when did his last relationship end and how many girls he is talking to online (yes I know, but due to the last guy having a hidden live in gf, you can never be too careful). Now I am worried that I freaked him out I also fully answered the above questions myself (100% honestly). Yes, way too much for the beginning of dating. The immediate impression is that there is some serious baggage here. Which we all have of course, but at least wait a little to unleash it, yeah?
alexlakeman Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Lol. Lots of q's, is this someone u met online or in person? I mean, he's obviously going to give u d "right" answers. Like I always say when I start dating someone, "upfront we could b lieing, not until u get to know d pereson, do u start finding out d real deal (if they lied or something
zengirl Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 While seeing someone for the past month or so (he turned out to be player/jerk) I have kind of put other guys on the back burner. There was one in particular that seemed really interesting and genuine. I told him the truth, that I like this other guy and want to see where things go. He said that he will be waiting for things to go wrong so that he can take me out Now that things did go wrong, I e-mailed him and asked him to be honest with me, is he seeing anyone, when did his last relationship end and how many girls he is talking to online (yes I know, but due to the last guy having a hidden live in gf, you can never be too careful). Now I am worried that I freaked him out I also fully answered the above questions myself (100% honestly). I think that's a bit excessive. And I'd never answer such an email myself. Email is not the way to talk about that stuff, first of all. Also, if they list themselves as "Single," all I can do is assume they are but not be stupid about it. Man, this really isn't that hard, is it? Before you sleep with a guy, make sure you get to know him. Really, if you see his house, you can find out pretty well if he's got a girlfriend, assuming you're not dealing with the real creeps. I've never even come close to sleeping with a fellow and not already seen their house/apartment organically, been to where they worked, met their friends, etc. Just get to know people and don't get so attached. Asking, "So. . . Are you a liar?" is a pretty crap way to start something out. I wouldn't want to be with a fellow who had these doubts at the very beginning. Some natural caution is fine, but trying to "examine me" to see if I'm for real would put me off. Because I am for real. The only people who won't be put off are: (A) The people just as hurt and suspicious as you, and (B) The people interested in gaming you for the fun of it.
InceptorsRule Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 While seeing someone for the past month or so (he turned out to be player/jerk) I have kind of put other guys on the back burner. There was one in particular that seemed really interesting and genuine. I told him the truth, that I like this other guy and want to see where things go. He said that he will be waiting for things to go wrong so that he can take me out Now that things did go wrong, I e-mailed him and asked him to be honest with me, is he seeing anyone, when did his last relationship end and how many girls he is talking to online (yes I know, but due to the last guy having a hidden live in gf, you can never be too careful). Now I am worried that I freaked him out I also fully answered the above questions myself (100% honestly). IMO I see absolutely nothing wrong in any of your questions, I'm assuming you were polite/diplomatic. Also you're allowed to speak your mind as long as your being truthful and again polite about it. If the guy can't hack who you are better to know that sooner rather than later, eh?
TouchedByViolet Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Now that things did go wrong, I e-mailed him and asked him to be honest with me, is he seeing anyone, when did his last relationship end and how many girls he is talking to online (yes I know, but due to the last guy having a hidden live in gf, you can never be too careful). Honestly, these questions scream insecurity!
Gattica Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I don't think there is any thing wrong in asking those questions. I am not interested in dating someone that dates multiple people at the same time. I let people know early on that I am not interested in being one of many that the person is dating. No big deal if they are, I will just take myself out of the equation. I have been lied to quite a bit on that question. I don't see the need to lie about it, but many do.
Sanman Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 (edited) Frankly, this seems like a loaded question a huge turn-off to me if I have never met you. Not to mention that it serves absolutely no purpose in reality. So if he answers that he is seeing/talking to no-one, he comes off as a loser that has been waiting for you. If he answers otherwise, he risks scaring you off. Even if he is dating someone for a while, is he supposed to say that he is but that he wants to see if he likes you better? What if he meets another girl after answering the email? Besides, if he is a liar/player with a gf, he is going to lie to you anyway. I do multiple date, but it has never stopped me from picking the relationship that best suited me. I would hate for a woman to judge a player simply because she has competition and I told her the truth. Dating is messy and there isn't always a clean way to do things. I would suggest realizing that you can't have expectations of these guys prior to knowing the person and entering an exclusive relationship. The woman I am currently seeing asked that we have an exclusive sexual relationship while we got to know each other better and decide whether we want an exclusive relationship with each other. I agreed to this and do not have a problem with it, but it is still trust that maintains we each follow our end of the agreement. There is simply no way to avoid being hurt, which is what you are trying to do. Dating requires that you have faith and allow feelings to develop for a person in hopes that the same will occur on their end. Edited August 10, 2010 by Sanman
meerkat stew Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Agree with the others, those are legit 1-3 date questions to be slipped in among flirty fun, but too heavy pre-meet.
sbarrow47 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 It really depends on the guy. Some guys will get freaked out by that. Some won't mind at all and will think you're just being careful. However if he is a liar and has 3 girlfriends, asking won't uncover much.
that girl Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Why include the question about when his last relationship ended? This seems too inquisitive like you will judge them if they got out of a relationship 2 months ago or 4 years ago. I do think you have the right to ask if someone is in a relationship and roughly how many people they are talking to, but I think those questions go down a lot smoother if you ask in person. Email is to easy to misinterpret. I know a lot of people say, why ask? liars will lie. But I know a lot of girls who got a twinge of "maybe he isn't single" and when they asked, the guy admitted it. Lots of people will of course lie, but there are definitely some who think of themselves as good people and despite the cheating and their answer will let you know. So if he answers that he is seeing/talking to no-one, he comes off as a loser that has been waiting for you. I think most people would answer this more like "I've been busy lately so I haven't been making any effort with online dating." I don't think most people would care. I do multiple date, but it has never stopped me from picking the relationship that best suited me. I would hate for a woman to judge a player simply because she has competition and I told her the truth. But really, she does have the right to know.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 OK so he replied and said that he likes honesty too. His last serious R ended 2 years ago. He has had a few dates since but nothing past that. He is currently not seeing anyone. He is e-mailing with one other girl from the dating site and is considering meeting her but says that he is far more interested in me. He is happy not to speak to her again if our date goes well but will keep talking to her in the meantime. So there - I feel like he is telling the truth.
Sanman Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Why include the question about when his last relationship ended? This seems too inquisitive like you will judge them if they got out of a relationship 2 months ago or 4 years ago. I do think you have the right to ask if someone is in a relationship and roughly how many people they are talking to, but I think those questions go down a lot smoother if you ask in person. Email is to easy to misinterpret. I know a lot of people say, why ask? liars will lie. But I know a lot of girls who got a twinge of "maybe he isn't single" and when they asked, the guy admitted it. Lots of people will of course lie, but there are definitely some who think of themselves as good people and despite the cheating and their answer will let you know. I think most people would answer this more like "I've been busy lately so I haven't been making any effort with online dating." I don't think most people would care. But really, she does have the right to know. I'm not disagreeing that he has the right to know these things. The question is whether she is going to want to know the answers to these questions pre-dating. While they are legit questions say on a 2nd or 3rd date when you know you may be seeing the person for a while, they seem a bit pre-mature and I think someone is much more likely to lie prior to knowing you than after they have met. The same goes for judging someone. For example, even if I do multiple date, I would gladly stop if I liked the woman and she requested it. I would not do so prior to meeting the person and establishing chemistry. I have also met a girl I liked too soon after a breakup, but I let go of the ex-gf issues a few weeks into dating her and it worked out as liked her. She likely would have run-off had she asked/known. Is sadandconfused going to feel pressure that she wouldn't otherwise if he has dates with 3 other women lined up? Will she refuse to meet him? The point is that it is a bit of putting the cart before the horse because she is worried abuot getting hurt. But, there is no easy way to predict what she really wants to know...are you going to hurt me or are you a genuine person interested in a serious relationship with me who will treat me right?
meerkat stew Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 He is happy not to speak to her again if our date goes well but will keep talking to her in the meantime. Ehhh, this one's gonna put you to sleep, guaranteed. Drink two cups of coffee before the date to keep your eyes open. Don't operate any heavy machinery while with him
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 Ehhh, this one's gonna put you to sleep, guaranteed. Drink two cups of coffee before the date to keep yoI know,ur eyes open. Don't operate any heavy machinery while with him Hahaha the thought has crossed my mind. He contacts me all the time too (few times a day). A part of me is worried that he is or will be too clingy for my tastes.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 This guy is great He ended up meeting a girl from the online site for drinks tonight. He texted me every 15 minutes through their meet up on how much he didn't like her. Then we had a loooooong IM chat when he got home. There was no lag at any stage and he really seems into me. We are planning our first meeting in great detail. He is as obsessive as I am
Els Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 This guy is great He ended up meeting a girl from the online site for drinks tonight. He texted me every 15 minutes through their meet up on how much he didn't like her. That just sounded rude on his part, frankly. :/
spookie Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 This guy is great He ended up meeting a girl from the online site for drinks tonight. He texted me every 15 minutes through their meet up on how much he didn't like her. Then we had a loooooong IM chat when he got home. There was no lag at any stage and he really seems into me. We are planning our first meeting in great detail. He is as obsessive as I am LOL you crack me up Sad. I'd proceed with caution tho. Texting someone else during a date is rude - even ruder given the context. Remember, if he could do it with you, he could do it to you. It's important to balance that thought with wanting to be different from all the rest in your SO's eyes. I hope it goes well tho!!!
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 That just sounded rude on his part, frankly. :/ I know what you mean, but I really liked how he kept me updated
a_woman Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I know what you mean, but I really liked how he kept me updated I don't know... his method sounds like lack of compassion to me. mocking someone in front of you to a third party is pretty mean, I'm not sure I'd find that an acceptable trait
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 I don't know... his method sounds like lack of compassion to me. mocking someone in front of you to a third party is pretty mean, I'm not sure I'd find that an acceptable trait He said that she talked about herself the entire time and didn't ask him a single question. It's not that he was mocking her, it's more like the date sucked, there was no chemistry so he got bored and started texting me.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 He said that she talked about herself the entire time and didn't ask him a single question. It's not that he was mocking her, it's more like the date sucked, there was no chemistry so he got bored and started texting me. Gross. So, that's when a good guy would bring the meet tastefully to a close, say good night and THEN contact you - and, one would hope, talk about you and him and NOT about the other unfortunate woman. Honestly, one of the biggest turn-offs for me is a guy trash talking other dates. Once my boyfriend and I had been together for a while, we did indulge in laughing and joking about some of our dating mishaps; probably not completely nice of us either. Rude behavior is okay as long as it's stroking one's own ego? Other issue of concern: if his "date" (I preferred to think of those as "meet ups" when I was in the Internet dating game) went well with you, he would be happy to never talk to the other girl again? Instant exclusivity promised based upon a positive meet up? Sounds extremely heavily weighted to me. Anyway, we like what we like, so I hope it all works for you.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Now that things did go wrong, I e-mailed him and asked him to be honest with me, is he seeing anyone, when did his last relationship end and how many girls he is talking to online (yes I know, but due to the last guy having a hidden live in gf, you can never be too careful). Now I am worried that I freaked him out I also fully answered the above questions myself (100% honestly). If a woman asked me for that much disclosure before meeting in person, I would suspect she's probably going to be jealous and probably uncomfortable about a lot of things. I'd answer truthfully - "luckily" for me right now the truthful answers are actually what the woman would obviously be looking to hear (no, months ago & none). If the answers were different I don't know what I'd do, it would depend on what I thought of the woman. Also when someone volunteers that kind of information about themselves so early I just ignore it. That early it's impossible to tell if they have genuinely have some pressing need to disclose things, were recently burnt and are kind of manic about it, or are just flat out lying. To me that's the kind of thing you have to observe and figure out yourself. This guy is great He ended up meeting a girl from the online site for drinks tonight. He texted me every 15 minutes through their meet up on how much he didn't like her. Then we had a loooooong IM chat when he got home. There was no lag at any stage and he really seems into me. We are planning our first meeting in great detail. He is as obsessive as I am This struck you as great? I would be guarded if some woman did something like that with me, it seems so lame and inconsiderate, or possibly just the move of someone who is used to flattering people to get on their good sides. That's about as much of a butter em' up kind of tactic as it can get. I'm a sucker for that crap so I had to train myself to consciously recognize it.
make me believe Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 That's about as much of a butter em' up kind of tactic as it can get. I'm a sucker for that crap so I had to train myself to consciously recognize it. Totally agree. Those texts were DESIGNED to make you feel special. But really, this guy sounds super rude & tacky. I would be completely turned off by his behavior. A decent, respectful guy would never do something like that. I'm trying to imagine my BF doing that (if he were single) and I can't, because he is a GREAT guy and wouldn't stoop to such immature, lame behavior.
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