WintersNightTraveler Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Totally agree. Those texts were DESIGNED to make you feel special. The best liars/flatters/whatever often don't even realize they are doing it - it can be totally unintentional or just done by habit and practice. Still very destructive/effective/whatever though, so we definitely agree...
sugarmomma Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 He's a lame for that, has noooo class and you won't get far dating him. Look at his character and not how much attention he is showing you( i.e. his keeping you updated. huh?). You seem to be too focused on that.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 (edited) ......................................... Edited August 12, 2010 by SadandConfusedWA
Jilly Bean Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 He is e-mailing with one other girl from the dating site and is considering meeting her but says that he is far more interested in me. Well, I guess he ended up being interested in her, since he met her, and did so before you. This guy is great He ended up meeting a girl from the online site for drinks tonight. He texted me every 15 minutes through their meet up on how much he didn't like her. Then we had a loooooong IM chat when he got home. There was no lag at any stage and he really seems into me. We are planning our first meeting in great detail. He is as obsessive as I am This is "great" to you? The guy is the ultimate megadouche, and you think he's great? Um, I think most people would find this behavior pretty disgusting. Personally, if I was getting texts from someone I had yet to meet, who told me he was more into me than someone else, then he went out with her, and then texted me through their date to say he didn't like her, I'd block and delete him. Seriously, Sad - why don't you see this guy for being a dick? Instead you seem to be even more enamoured, which is a really twisted response, IMO. Don't think for a moment that he won't do this to you, because he will. Now that things did go wrong, I e-mailed him and asked him to be honest with me, is he seeing anyone, when did his last relationship end and how many girls he is talking to online (yes I know, but due to the last guy having a hidden live in gf, you can never be too careful). Now I am worried that I freaked him out If someone asked me all of this before meeting, I'd be turned off, and wouldn't bother to meet. It smacks of insecurity. Look, we'd all like a guarantee in dating that we won't get hurt, but it's not going to happen. Instead of trying to control things so much, why not date, not be so invested in strangers, and just go with the flow and let it develop naturally? I think this is really the big downside of OLD. It removes a lot of romance and mystery you have when you meet people IRL. I'm sure you'd never ask a guy this who asked you out in person...
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 No Jilly, I would never ask a guy any of this in person of course I wouldn't. But it's easy to shoot an e-mail like that to a complete stranger. Anyhow, everyone's concerns are duly noted. I may not even like him once we meet, since I rarely have chemistry with anyone. I just had a chat with him and we are meeting on Monday night - he will think of a place. As for him meeting another chick, he was keen to meet me weeks ago (when I started seeing another guy and kept putting him off). So I assume that he doesn't want to be too available now that I have contacted him agian. (but who knows). I am actually more concerned that he is into me TOO much at this stage (and that can be a turn off too).
Els Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 ... Well as it seems everyone's warning went completely unheeded, I wish you all the best settling for this guy.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 ... Well as it seems everyone's warning went completely unheeded, I wish you all the best settling for this guy. Ha - I am not going to just not meet him because he texted me during his "meet up" with some girl
zengirl Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I don't know... his method sounds like lack of compassion to me. mocking someone in front of you to a third party is pretty mean, I'm not sure I'd find that an acceptable trait +1 The easiest way to turn me off is to randomly criticize other people. It's a sign of insecurity or seeking insecure people (or both). He said that she talked about herself the entire time and didn't ask him a single question. It's not that he was mocking her, it's more like the date sucked, there was no chemistry so he got bored and started texting me. So? Maybe she was the world's worst date, but his behavior is still lacking in grace, class, basic human kindness, etc. Then again, I only want to date kind guys. . . not just fellows who are nice to ME and unkind to people in general. I find that combination dangerous. No Jilly, I would never ask a guy any of this in person of course I wouldn't. But it's easy to shoot an e-mail like that to a complete stranger. This strikes me as backwards. I'm much more likely to ask personal questions once I've met someone and developed a rapport than when they're a complete stranger to me. Also way more likely to answer them.
Els Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 Ha - I am not going to just not meet him because he texted me during his "meet up" with some girl He didn't just 'text you during his meetup', he 'texted you repeatedly to mock a woman who was sitting right in front of him, at the same time evidently smiling politely and not letting her know anything was amiss'. And the strangest thing is, this behaviour actually endeared him further to you. I think you've a lot going for you, but for some reason you're into this douche.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 The thing is I sometimes make fun of other people (that are not my friends or close to me). I guess then I am not kind or compassionate either. Why should I want a guy who is more compassionate than I am? I also always assume that semi-strangers make fun of me too. I am not bothered by it at all. I would only be bothered if friends did it and even then, only if it was malicious.
Els Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 So you would do the same during a date with a guy? In that case then, more power to the two of you.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 So you would do the same during a date with a guy? In that case then, more power to the two of you. Well, I have never done it during a date (yet).
torranceshipman Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 OK enough email talk, meet him for coffee already and see if there is something there I was always too lazy to engage in a lot of email exchanges - I was always of the 'couple of emails, meet for coffee' school of thinking. I had a lot of fun!
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 12, 2010 Author Posted August 12, 2010 OK enough email talk, meet him for coffee already and see if there is something there I was always too lazy to engage in a lot of email exchanges - I was always of the 'couple of emails, meet for coffee' school of thinking. I had a lot of fun! In a way, I find it better to have *some* anticipation built up.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 It's starting to look like a potential match made in heaven. Heaven knows, we like what we like. Hope it works out, SAD.
a_woman Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 The thing is I sometimes make fun of other people (that are not my friends or close to me). I guess then I am not kind or compassionate either. Why should I want a guy who is more compassionate than I am? I also always assume that semi-strangers make fun of me too. I am not bothered by it at all. I would only be bothered if friends did it and even then, only if it was malicious. everybody does things like that but that doesn't make it right. I might mock a complete stranger but not anyone I know, especially not when they are potentially emotionally exposed to me (like a date for example).
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 12, 2010 Posted August 12, 2010 I think the real issues are getting obscured. I've had a friend text me during a bad date, it was actually pretty hilarious, they were out for drinks and the woman blew him off to chat up a friend of hers who happened to be there so I got a running commentary. He's a funny guy and very sarcastic. So sure maybe this guy was at a dinner for two and he ignored her and it was totally lame on his part. Or maybe she was a complete dud and went to the bathroom every 10 minutes and he was just bored to tears and not the type who would just bail. Or both. Whatever. To me the real odd part is not that he was texting in general, but that he was texting SAC about it, instead of some old buddy of his. That's just an odd choice, even if they hit it off online or whatever. That's the part to focus on. It's either most likely manipulative or needy on his part, I think. I also agree with torranceshipman. Way too much hype before the actual meetup...
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 I think that he texted me because: a) I e-mailed him the day before with extensive questions about who he is talking to or meeting from online and said how much I value honesty and he wanted to keep me happy by being completly upfront about everything b) He wanted to "show off" in a way. Look I can get a date! Look I can reject a date! Perhaps some combination of both. As much as I am interested in this guy so far, my main worry is still that I will meet him and feel no physical attraction I have his FB, so I have seen over 200 pictures of him (and vice versa). He is cute, tall, etc, it's just that I normally go for dark haired guys and he is blond (but still has a very cute face and good body). I hope I can get over my superficiality.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I think that he texted me because: a) I e-mailed him the day before with extensive questions about who he is talking to or meeting from online and said how much I value honesty and he wanted to keep me happy by being completly upfront about everything It's easy to be honest when it's something someone wants to hear. I think you should set your honesty bar a little higher. You can't even really evaluate honesty until something difficult or important important comes up. This evaluation of honesty also blurs the line between reticence and dishonesty, which isn't really accurate. b) He wanted to "show off" in a way. Look I can get a date! Look I can reject a date! Perhaps some combination of both. There's no good reason for him to care so much about impressing you when you guys haven't even met. It's nice to think someone's so into you that they are just that driven to impress, but it's usually not the case. Even if you are really awesome and give great email. So I just look for some other reason. I always want to think I'm awesome and that people quickly elevate me in their lives, and have gotten the worst of it from this trait, so it's a learned skepticism for me. I think you have the same trait. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for romanticising things. I think it's necesary to a large extent for a good relationship. The skepticism thing only gets you so far. But maybe wait a bit more on it... As much as I am interested in this guy so far, my main worry is still that I will meet him and feel no physical attraction There's not much you can do about that, so why worry about it? You probably can't stop worrying entirely (few can), but maybe you can transfer the worry to something you can actually affect.
shadowplay Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I don't know... his method sounds like lack of compassion to me. mocking someone in front of you to a third party is pretty mean, I'm not sure I'd find that an acceptable trait Yeah, I would find this really off-putting too.
shadowplay Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 (edited) The thing is I sometimes make fun of other people (that are not my friends or close to me). I guess then I am not kind or compassionate either. Why should I want a guy who is more compassionate than I am? I also always assume that semi-strangers make fun of me too. I am not bothered by it at all. I would only be bothered if friends did it and even then, only if it was malicious. I don't know about you, but I tend to look for a guy who is sort of a "better" version of myself, or whom I'm striving to be. (That's not to say he can't be different from me in a lot of ways too.) I think it's a mistake to seek out someone who shares your weaknesses, because they tend to feed off each other. Edited August 13, 2010 by shadowplay
djhall Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I don't think it would bother me if you asked a more direct and to the point question like, "Before we meet, I just want to make absolutely sure you aren't married, living with someone, involved in any ongoing romantic relationship, or dating anyone who believes you two are exclusive." The message behind that is crystal clear... you aren't going to be the "other woman" under any circumstances or with any one. However, if I got those questions as a pre-first-date screening I would be concerned that you were either extremely picky and judgmental (Has it been too long since you last dated? Have you dated too many people recently?) or you were very insecure or desperate and placing far too much importance on a simple "lets meet and see if there is any chemistry in person" first date.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 There's no good reason for him to care so much about impressing you when you guys haven't even met. It's nice to think someone's so into you that they are just that driven to impress, but it's usually not the case. Even if you are really awesome and give great email. So I just look for some other reason. I always want to think I'm awesome and that people quickly elevate me in their lives, and have gotten the worst of it from this trait, so it's a learned skepticism for me. I think you have the same trait. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for romanticising things. I think it's necesary to a large extent for a good relationship. The skepticism thing only gets you so far. But maybe wait a bit more on it... In general, I do agree with with you. But this guy has shown strong signs that he is very into me. He texts me "good morning" and "good night" every day. He also contacts me multiple times even if I don't respond to contact. Once when I didn't respond to any of his contact in 24 hours, he has sent me a long rambling e-mail asking me if I am losing interest in him. When we I am online and we IM, he will respond immediatly always, and put huge amount of effort into keeping the conversation going. Perhaps this is unhealthy. Perhaps he is not being genuine. But the vibe that I got from him is that he is VERY strongly interested in me, or the idea of me (given that we haven't met yet). I am never that confident about someone's interest level, but in this case, I would say that his is higher than mine.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 strong signs that he is very into me [...] Once when I didn't respond to any of his contact in 24 hours, he has sent me a long rambling e-mail asking me if I am losing interest in him. Reread the sign. I originally guessed he was being either manipulative or needy, now I just guess needy. He is probably being genuine though. But is that something you would really want? Serious question.
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