The tables have turned!

[remorseful1980]

Taramaiden: I did realize what he was offering me was "crumbs" of affection, which had an expiration date. I recognized it for what it was.

 

He is not co-dependent at all. He has an enormous group of friends, who call him every day to hang out with him. He is very popular. He has never intruded in my own activities with my friends.

 

I was the one who was co-dependent. I stopped seeing my friends, all I wanted to do was hang out with him. I made him a homebody, and this is the reason why he said our personalities are too different.

 

Regarding the ex-ex, yes, he screwed me up big time, cheating on me and dumping me, then going back to me when he found out I was seeing people again, and then cheating on me again when he got me back. I was mad at him for a long time, and carried my hurt into my relationship with my recent ex.

 

But now I feel no hate or romantic love towards him. I care for him, but as a friend. As far as being a bf, he was horrible! But as a friend, he's the kind who'd give me his last cent if I need it. Maybe he feels remorse for what he did? I don't know.

 

We just spoke recently (he's in a different continent) and he knows I am going through this break-up, and stayed on the phone with me for over an hour. He's dating somebody else right now, and I don't feel any jealousy at all (just wishing her the best of luck). I've healed completely over that break-up.

 

 

I have seen a psychiatrist who prescribed me anti-depressants. I used it for a few months, it helped a lot. I'm not on it now, I might have to take it again (as a temporary crutch). I've seen a psychologist in the past and she didn't impress me.

 

Once I move to the new city though, I will see a psychologist and a psychiatrist again.

 

Thanks Taramaiden. I don't want bash my ex just because he is now guarding his heart from me. It makes me feel bad actually to paint him out as the evil person, because he is definitely not. He's not perfect, true. He was just too nice and too kind and let me walk all over him.

 

He just met me at the wrong time.

Edited July 31, 2010 by remorseful1980

[Woggle]

If you care about him that much why did you treat him badly when you still had a chance? I don't get this about some women. It's only when a man doesn't want them anymore that they all of a sudden have a change of heart. Men hate this kind of drama with every fiber of our being. I don't agree with him wanting to give you crumbs right now because he should be direct and to the point but you blew it. Don't make the same mistake next time.

[remorseful1980]

Woggle, I was the most easy-going gf in my previous relationships. I didn't argue, I was very amiable and easy to please. I was a "sweetheart."

 

After my previous ex's cheating, I think I became a b i tch to everyone. I was suspicious of everybody and I either lashed out or shut down whenever I felt that I was going to be hurt. I was on "fight or flight" mode the entire time I was with my recent ex.

 

I needed mental help badly at that time, but my family doesn't believe in those things. I only managed to get help this year. Should have gotten help from day 1, I could have lessened the emotional damage I inflicted to people around me, but my mom told me, "My eldest daughter died and I didn't get help from a psychiatrist, why should you?"

 

When I finally got anti-depressants, I think she was ashamed of it. My parents are very old-fashioned.

 

I don't know Woggle, pain does horrible things to people. Not an excuse, I know.

[remorseful1980]

Day 5 today. I am overwhelmingly sad. Woke up early today, but I stumbled back to bed and didn't get up until the afternoon. I had crazy dreams. I was back in my hometown and I was biking towards this old unfamiliar house and people I've known from 20 years ago were there. I look outside and there were dead bodies lying on the grass. I asked my friends what happened and they said, "Their mom killed them."

 

They were looking oddly at me and for some reason I felt that I did something wrong, and I got out of the house and got away.

 

I can't find any strength to do anything today. Physically I'm tired from all the housework I did the past few days. Because I'm not doing anything, I find myself fantasizing about seeing him in the future again, when I am more stable, and kissing him. I am obsessing on one kiss that might never happen.

 

I've also been checking my phone, and no word from him at all today. I wonder if he's thinking about me like I'm thinking about him.

[remorseful1980]

I wait for his texts and yet when I receive them I get crushed.

 

I wish he would stop contacting me, but I do have some stuff at his place, and I have to return some things to him.

 

He texted me, "How are you doing?"

 

I went out of the house, biked for an hour, then responded with: "I'm okay :-)

 

He said: "Glad to hear babe. I will be emailing you the pictures later tonight."

 

I thanked him. Then turned off the phone.

 

(I borrowed his camera to take pictures of his city.)

 

I hate this politeness, this civility. Everything is so final. Just two weeks ago we were laying close to each other all cuddled up.

[Gallaxia]

Remorseful1980, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

Do you think he might be sort of toying with your emotions? Or trying to constantly gauge how you're handling this? That text just seems like an extra step.

 

Maybe I'm completely wrong here but why didn't he just email you your photos & ask you how you were at the same time, then? Like- "I know you borrowed my camera, but here are those pics you took. How are you? blah blah..."

[remorseful1980]

Gallaxia: I think he's just being genuinely nice by asking me how I'm doing. He is not the type to just disappear. I don't expect him to have lost all emotions in span of a few days, I know he does care for me still. Maybe miss me a little? Maybe he's just plain curious?

 

Thank you. LS is helping me a lot, plus my bike and maybe my running shoes lol! I am trying to get fit and enjoy the sun while it's still summer.

[2sunny]

he's just stringing you along by engaging you in pointless, trivial one liners to be sure you haven't moved on. there is no need to respond.

 

he will just string you along without an effort on his part - as long AS YOU ALLOW HIM TO.

 

quit allowing him to waste your time and energy when he has no intention of a solid commitment to you.

[remorseful1980]

2Sunny: I have thought of that also, he might be enjoying the power he has on me now. I don't really wanna think of him in a bad way though. I instigated this break-up and he agreed to it. He's been very clear that there's no future between us. He was never mean about it, we discussed our break-up for three hours and he was never disrespectful. Just politely explained why it wouldn't work out.

 

We are keeping LC for now, but I hope as soon as I get my stuff back we can go NC. We might become friends in the future, I'm not burning bridges here because he's the nicest person I've ever met. I'm friends with my 2 other exes, even the one who cheated on me.

 

I do understand how this is setting me back.

[TaraMaiden]

remorseful, while I appreciate (really, I do) that you obviusly know this guy a whole lot better than we do - I am convinced, and will always be convinced - that no matter how much blame or responsibility one person takes for the break-up, the other person has somehow played a part in this and holds some responsibility.

I've seen it far too many times for anything to convince me otherwise.

 

And now, when people here are doing their best to be supportive, unload some of the weight off your shoulders - and are pointing out his role in this - you steadfastly defend him and insist he is still as virtuous as ever.

 

you have to stop.

Please know:

He is manipulating the situation.

I get he's sweet, kind, affectionate, loving and everything else you say:

but please trust me on this one (PLEASE!!!)

He's yanking your chain now, for whatever ego-stroking he can get from you.

There comes a point where you have to STOP responding.

I realise you still have stuff there.

OK.

He knows that too.

That's no reason to maintain an unreasonable level of contact.

the only reasons you should be communicating is to discuss that stuff and what's going to happen to it and when.

Everything else ("Hi, how are you today?" "Will call you", "Will e-mail you tonight") and all that crap - is completely off limits.

 

there should be no contact at all between you guys right now, except "I will be there on such and such a day to collect the remainder of my belongings."

 

That's it.

The rest is just breadcrumbing.

Please - tell (DON'T ask - TELL!) him to not contact you any more. It hurts too much and you don't want to keep having to fight your emotions every time he makes contact with you.

he's being grossly unfair, selfish and manipulative.

 

PLEASE, PLEASE SEE THIS FOR WHAT IT IS!

he's doing this to make himself feel better about the whole thing.

And it's wrong, it's just all wrong.

 

if you want to move forward, and be friends in the future, the kindest thing he could ever do is to be a friend to you now - and leave you alone!!!

[remorseful1980]

Taramaiden, thank you! I will be leaving the country for a few days vacation so that will help with NC. I will not be checking emails at all during this time.

 

When I come back, I will retrieve my things from his apartment, and tell him to stop contacting me, in a nice way.

[bac]

Perhaps, he continues to text or email you because he has some concern about your emotional stability and how you are capable to handle breaking up. So, he is doing checks periodically, to see that you are OK.

 

If it is not a case, he might still want some contact with you or a relationship. Perhaps, you are both a great match for each other on some emotional level.

If he was able to handle the relationship before, it means he had liked it for some personal reason. Therefore, you might continue being who you really are including doing unusual things such as sending flowers because he probably likes the unusual things about you.

[remorseful1980]

bac: After the break-up of my LTR last year, he witnessed how I spectacularly fell apart, sobbing and crying, and he was there to assure me that I'm worthy of love. He is checking on me. He told me he doesn't want me to be like I was last year. I do know that he doesn't want an LTR with me. And anything less I wouldn't take. He finds me weird, and likes that about me, that I'm able to do and say unusual things.

 

But he doesn't want me for the long haul.

 

Today is Sunday, it's not really sunny, and I spent half the day again in bed. I still haven't checked my emails, nor turned on my phone. I'm scared of my reaction to his messages. I don't plan to open them until tomorrow, when I will be so busy packing up that I can't analyze his messages. He's the one who asked for space...why is he contacting me almost daily? I understand, but this is getting me frustrated.

 

I'm going to clean the bathroom. That's what I'm going to do today. No use thinking about him.

 

Well bathroom here I come. I will clean you up until you shine.

[Cracker Jack]

Yes, clean the bathroom and spend your day focusing on YOU.

 

The more you continue to update about him here, the more you're holding yourself back. You won't get over him if you continue to write about him daily.

[TaraMaiden]

....He's the one who asked for space...why is he contacting me almost daily? I understand,

No you don't or you wouldn't be asking.

He's contradicting himself.

You see what I mean about the breadcrumb bit?

He's the one who asked for space.

so by logic, he should be the one maintaining No Contact.

But he is contacting you almost daily.

Which is about as manipulative as you can get.

Or co-dependent.....

 

but this is getting me frustrated.

Good!

FINALLY, you're getting it!!

 

I'm going to clean the bathroom. That's what I'm going to do today. No use thinking about him.

 

Well bathroom here I come. I will clean you up until you shine.

Don't forget behind the pan, under the cistern.

That can get really mucky.....

[remorseful1980]

Well, Cracker Jack, I find relief here. I don't want to burden my family and friends again lol. So I silently grieve and do my venting here.

[remorseful1980]

No you don't or you wouldn't be asking.

He's contradicting himself.

You see what I mean about the breadcrumb bit?

He's the one who asked for space.

so by logic, he should be the one maintaining No Contact.

But he is contacting you almost daily.

Which is about as manipulative as you can get.

Or co-dependent.....

 

 

Good!

FINALLY, you're getting it!!

 

 

Don't forget behind the pan, under the cistern.

That can get really mucky.....

 

lol I have this steamer thingy that will blast all the dirt away!

 

I'm getting it now. He's yanking my chains. My phone remains off until tomorrow, and then for the rest of my vacation.

[remorseful1980]

Ugh! Curiosity got hold of me and I turned my phone on.

 

He texted me if I got the photos and then said: "I miss laying with you."

 

I did not respond. I turned the phone off.

 

I checked my email and found the 150+ photos he sent me. I replied with "Thanks."

 

He responded with "Can we talk?"

 

I said, "I think we need to give each other space for now."

 

I don't want that talk again. I made a fool of myself crying and pleading, and I cannot trust myself yet not to get emotional.

 

Can't wait to move out of this city.

[TaraMaiden]

Ugh! Curiosity got hold of me and I turned my phone on.

 

He texted me if I got the photos and then said: "I miss laying with you."

So much for him being the one who requested distance.

Good grief....! He's getting beyond belief....!

 

All he's doing now is rattling your cage....

 

I did not respond. I turned the phone off.

 

GOOD for YOU!!! Well done!

 

I checked my email and found the 150+ photos he sent me. I replied with "Thanks."

 

He responded with "Can we talk?"

What, about how you've requested distance? How you think we should stay apart for a while?

No, we can't talk.

Do me a big favour, give me a break, and stop contacting me!"

 

I said, "I think we need to give each other space for now."

You see, you're so much nicer than I am....

 

I don't want that talk again. I made a fool of myself crying and pleading, and I cannot trust myself yet not to get emotional.

I hate to say it, but you sound in far better control than he is....

 

Can't wait to move out of this city.

I can quite see why...

 

(((hugs))) hun....

[remorseful1980]

Taramaiden: You might be right about me having more control than him.

 

He emailed me several times yesterday, asking me when I'm

going to be back, when I'm going to see him, that he feels

bad about things and needs to talk to me face

to face.

 

Then in the wee hours of the morning he contacted my

home phone (cellphone was off) several times. I called him back and he was very emotional, told me over and over how much he missed me, that he wants to be with me, that he will change (our major fights have been about him getting too drunk), and he didn't mean everything he said.

 

He asked me if I want him back, I didn't give him a clear answer

but indicated that I love him very much. He seemed relieved.

 

He wants to call me again today. And see me as soon as possible.

 

We might be heading for a reconciliation. Whatever happens I will stay strong.

 

 

(((Taramaiden)))

Edited August 3, 2010 by remorseful1980

[Sphere]

Taramaiden: You might be right about me having more control than him.

 

He emailed me several times yesterday, asking me when I'm

going to be back, when I'm going to see him, that he feels

bad about things and needs to talk to me face

to face.

 

Then in the wee hours of the morning he contacted my

home phone (cellphone was off) several times. I called him back and he was very emotional, told me over and over how much he missed me, that he wants to be with me, that he will change (our major fights have been about him getting too drunk), and he didn't mean everything he said.

 

He asked me if I want him back, I didn't give him a clear answer

but indicated that I love him very much. He seemed relieved.

 

He wants to call me again today. And see me as soon as possible.

 

We might be heading for a reconciliation. Whatever happens I will stay strong.

 

 

(((Taramaiden)))

 

So through your actions you have managed to completely dismantle the guy while ensuring you have robbed him of any integrity and self respect he might have once had. It sounds like you love this man, it really does.

[TaraMaiden]

So through your actions you have managed to completely dismantle the guy while ensuring you have robbed him of any integrity and self respect he might have once had. It sounds like you love this man, it really does.

 

What utter rubbish.

She acted as she thought was best.

 

And what's more, we choose our behaviour ourselves.

Nobody makes anybody do anything or holds a gun to their heads.

His integrity and self-respect are for him to retain. Nobody can rob you of them, A person abandons them and loses them of their own accord.

 

If you perceive that he has neither, then he's the one who lost his grip.

He keeps pestering her, and really, he needs to quit.

 

But remorseful, you have to stop responding.

Really you do, for both your sakes.

I told you. The only contact you should be having with him is to discuss the items you still have at his house.

However, if you want to go for a reconciliation, that's up to you - but think carefully about what you can bring to the table - and remember why it failed to work last time.

[remorseful1980]

Just a quick update because I just borrowed a computer and I have a very slow connection.

 

 

My ex, after his frantic calls, texted me the morning after with just: "I hate this."

 

I tried to reassure him that I love him on my reply email.

 

Since then, he's been completely silent.

 

I need to move on from us, because when I state my feelings and reassure him of my love, he withdraws. When I go completely silent, that's when tries to reach out to me.

 

I'm feeling awful. Le sigh.

[remorseful1980]

So through your actions you have managed to completely dismantle the guy while ensuring you have robbed him of any integrity and self respect he might have once had. It sounds like you love this man, it really does.

 

 

I do not think that just because he's showing his emotions, that he has no integrity and self-respect.

 

I did hurt this guy badly though, several times, and I admit it.

[remorseful1980]

What utter rubbish.

 

But remorseful, you have to stop responding.

Really you do, for both your sakes.

I told you. The only contact you should be having with him is to discuss the items you still have at his house.

However, if you want to go for a reconciliation, that's up to you - but think carefully about what you can bring to the table - and remember why it failed to work last time.

 

After his frantic calls, my hopes were high for a reconciliation. But he has now stopped contacting again.

 

I'm on vacation in a five star hotel with a beautiful view and still I cannot escape thoughts of him.

 

I do not know what will happen. I'll continue working on myself.