The tables have turned!

[remorseful1980]

 

Guys, I just need help with this No Contact thing. My bf (ex?) of a few months (although we dated for close to a year) has stopped responding to my calls.

 

I claim all responsibility for all the BS I put him through. I was at times a real bad GF, unappreciative, critical, jealous, etc, etc. I also doubted us the entire time, because I just ended a 4-5 year relationship. Also, at some point, I chose my ex over him, then realized my mistake.

 

(I know, so much stupidity on my part, but I really was confused.)

 

I know we may not get back together, he is tired of me basically. He pursued me relentlessly and I kept pushing him away but now it seems like he's numb.

 

I understand. I love him, but I made him unhappy. I put him through hell. It will take time for me to let him go....but I will have to move on from this mess I created.

 

But please tell me to stop contacting him. Please convince me to stop sending him flowers at his office. Please tell me I must leave him alone for my sake and his sake.

 

I almost showed up at his doorstep today with flowers, a teddy bear and balloons and a home-made card. Thank God a friend stopped me.

 

But I sent him a barrage of messages instead..on how much I love him and care for him and adore him. Asked his forgiveness.

 

Called him three times.

 

No response.

 

Tell me what to do please. I know I'm doing all the wrong things. Aaaaaagh!

[bobdole]

You make it sound as though hes made it pretty clear he wants nothing to do with you. I would say he can probably never feel the same about you after what he went through. My advice, respect his wishes and learn from your mistakes for the next guy.

[sugarmomma]

Sounds like you blew this one. Let it go before you turn into a stalker.

[zengirl]

Move on. This is over, and you're just being creepy, frankly. Sending flowers to his work? That's cute if you're in a relationship but disturbing if someone has broken up with you.

 

It will take time for me to let him go....

 

As much time as it takes for you to decide to do it. Really, that's all you have to do. It's exactly as easy as it sounds (people have a habit of making it hard on themselves, and I've done that too, but that's pretty much the human condition in a nutshell).

 

On that, I'm going to leave you with a Haruki Murakami quote:

 

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."

[remorseful1980]

I want to kill all hope. I asked him last night if there was another girl (I'm horrendously jealous) and he said absolutely no. That he doesn't see a future with us given my personality (jealous all the time!) and his (he's the life of the party, charming, men and women flock around him all the time).

 

And yet, he said I love you just before hanging up, and I responded with a teary "I love you too."

 

But today he did a complete 180. I panicked. I dressed up, drew a home-made card and was ready to go, when a friend who's extremely depressed reached out to me. I took off my dress, got changed and tried to make my friend a priority (he could be suicidal).

 

I. must. not. stalk! Must not show up uninvited. I still want to send roses but I will wait a few days. He deserves all those roses! He deserves all my "I'm sorries." But I must stop texting I love him. He knows. He also knows I screwed up.

 

 

We are meeting next weekend because I want us to talk and go over what happened. I am not going to lie, I hope he brings up reconciliation, but I doubt it. He may flip-flop from "I don't know" to "it's over." But I think it's over.

 

Backstory: We broke up several times before. I instigated all of it. He always took me back. Not this time. =(

[remorseful1980]

Guys, advice on how I should act?

 

I know I must stop the texting (the last one I sent was about respecting his space).

 

But I'm the one who screwed up. I'm the one who said "We need to break up" and I was blindsided when he said "I agree" and meant it.

 

How do you say sorry? Should I be calm and collected? Should I grovel for forgiveness? The fault is all mine.

[2sunny]

Guys, advice on how I should act?

 

I know I must stop the texting (the last one I sent was about respecting his space).

 

But I'm the one who screwed up. I'm the one who said "We need to break up" and I was blindsided when he said "I agree" and meant it.

 

How do you say sorry? Should I be calm and collected? Should I grovel for forgiveness? The fault is all mine.

 

ummmm, HE'S not responding - so there is nothing YOU need to say or do.

 

he has disengaged. gone no contact - so stop! anything you do further will look totally pathetic to him. so do nothing.

[Mimolicious]

I can tell you what will stop you: RESTRAINING ORDER!

 

Leave your xBF alone. You had your fair amount of chances. We all make mistakes and have to live with their consequences. Sorry hone, but just move on and do it with some dignity.

[remorseful1980]

Disengage. I

must do that.

 

 

I am awake. So glad I have a friend who called me and distracted me for a bit.

 

But now I'm in my bed awake and hurting.

 

No he will not bring restraining orders, I think he likes the idea that I'm chasing him now. He must have read the 180 rule lol!

 

Who am I kidding? It's over. He did more than anyone could do. He gave 200% and I gave 25%. I deserve this.

 

I will try not too look pathetic. More than I already do.

 

Thanks guys!

 

 

=(

[TaraMaiden]

Try to remember where exactly you dropped your dignity and self-respect, because you need to go back there and try to find them, pick them up and start using them again.

 

Jeesh, listen to yourself!

For goodness' sake!

Pathetic doesn't cover it!

 

Re-read your posts as if you hadn't been the one to write them.

What would you tell this woman?

 

Get a grip?

Grow up?

Try acting like a woman, not a weed?

 

he's gradually losing respect for you, but at the same time, probably loves the attention, and has come to expect it.

Has he ever actually turned round to you and told you - firmly - "take your cards/flowers/balloons and constant incessant texts and put 'em where the sun don't shine!"...?

never?

then he's lapping all the attention up and loves having the ol' male ego boosted....

 

And what's with the -

 

We are meeting next weekend because I want us to talk and go over what happened

.

 

Are you crazy??!?

 

What's to talk about?

Why give a corpse a post-mortem when you know why it died?

leave it be, don't go over old ground, it's inhibiting, restrictive and constantly going back stops you moving forward!

You're meeting because you want to?

And he agreed...??

See how he's feeding your desire?

he's never actually said "yes, I want to be with you" but he's letting you approach... keeps you far away enough to make you desperate, then responds again to reel you in....

 

Jeesh, this is a dysfunctional relationship, involving 2 needy people both playing Mind games and loving the drama.

 

Where is the flaw in that statement?

Answer:

There isn't one.

 

Get a life, woman!

Join a drama club and get your fix that way, because this one should have had it's last curtain call years ago.

 

And if that sounded like a harsh post - it was meant to.

I'm known for my no-nonsense approach at times, and this needed it, big time.

[Woggle]

Are you sure that you don't want him now only because he doesn't want you. Some women tend to want what they can't have. If he agreed to come back chances are the cycle would repeat itself. Just drop this because it is pretty much over.

[Disillusioned]

I agree with Woggle. I wouldn't want someone back who pushed me away. Mess with me once and it's merde alors.

[Gallaxia]

I agree with everybody else. You need to stop. Like yesterday. Take all the effort you're spending now, and apply it towards fixing/healing yourself so that this doesn't have a chance of manifesting itself in future relationships. What you're doing right now, how you're behaving is only hurting yourself. I know it's very difficult to see that right now though.

[remorseful1980]

Taramaiden, thank you. I needed that kind of tough love.

 

I did all my begging and pleading for two days. He responded the first day, tried to assure me we will still spend time together, tried to arrange to meet up on Sunday. He even said I love you.

 

The next day, when he won't respond to phone calls ( he always does!) and texts, that's when I realized it's over.

 

It's over, it's over, it's over.

 

I tried to make me tell him that it is, and he won't say it.

 

He told me there's no future in us.

 

This all happened after a trip from Panama!

 

I think he met someone he's interested in. I know he didn't cheat, but he has a potential gf.

 

Otherwise, why would he choose to be alone? Our sex was out of this world!

 

Why would he give it up for no sex?

 

There is someone else.

 

 

Woggle, that is something to think about. I was not invested at all until recently. It was only recently that I fell deeply in love with him, when I sensed him going cold and pulling away.

 

 

But it hurts all the same. I feel like there's a hole in my chest. I can't eat, sleep, don't wanna get out of bed, all his kindness and everything he did for me is on replay in my brain.

 

I love him. Now more than ever.

 

But I understand him dropping me from his life.

 

And contacting him right now will only remind me of my bad ways.

 

 

It hurts. Aaah!

[curlygirl40]

This may seem a little silly but here's something that might make you stop the flowers, etc.

 

I was talking to a male friend recently and he was telling stories about a roomies ex who was doing things like this. Dropping off lasagna when he wasn't home and things like that.

 

THEY WERE LAUGHING THEIR BUTTS OFF AT HER

 

So mean! I know it's mean, but imagine that you are doing all of this stuff that you think is nice and the guy finds it hysterical and is telling his friends and they are making fun of you.

 

You need to maintain your DIGNITY!!

 

Can't remember the name of that book, but in the beginning she talks about how you can't go on a date with it, it won't give you the best orgasm, you can't call it in the middle of the night, but the best thing in the world is to have your PRIDE.

 

Good luck to you.

[remorseful1980]

Thanks curlygurl.

 

His friends are not like that. They are very sweet. They will not laugh, but I guess will feel sorry for me.

 

And my ex himself, he will love it. He is larger than life, he loves the spotlight, I know sending him flowers at his office will please him. He loves them, he always has fresh flowers at his place.

 

It's early days yet. Day 3 of break-up. Besides from my panicked phone calls and texts, I have left him alone. Today, nothing. It's as if he has fallen off the face of the earth. Me too. I deactivated my fb and don't plan to re-activate it until I'm over him. I don't wanna post emotional stuff in front of my family and friends. I'll try to heal by myself.

 

I am cleaning like a mad woman. I don't wanna think how much of a loser and an idiot I am.

 

"You never know what you've got until it's gone."

 

I will not date for a year. I can't go through heartbreak again.

[remorseful1980]

He just texted a simple, "Babe."

 

And I quickly replied with "Hey."

 

Nothing else after that. I am comforted that he thought of me, probably missing me. But I know he doesn't miss what I did to him.

 

He is a strong guy and I know he will not waver from his decision. It hurts like a mother-effer but I am seeing the good side of this. I am finally going to focus on the most important person in my life, and that is me! Besides from me and my family, nobody else matters.

 

I dreamt a future with him, kids with him, my life with him, and I'm grieving the loss of my dreams. But I will bear it. I shall be strong.

 

He deserves to be happy. He is the sweetest person I know and I pray to God he doesn't meet somebody like me.

 

I am moving to another city in September. Find a job, go back to school, keep myself busy for an entire year until it doesn't hurt anymore.

 

Amazing what heartbreak can do. I cleaned up the storage room that hasn't been cleaned in 2 years. I will finish cleaning up the bathroom and repaint it. After that I will do some sewing. I'll keep myself so d*mn busy I will not have a moment to think about him (well not as much as I do right now).

 

 

I broke NC, I realize. But I cannot ignore him, I am the one who did wrong. I know I don't deserve another chance, but I will grovel for his forgiveness if need be. Stupid people like me needs to eat humble pie.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, you really need to stop with the self-bashing...

 

Look:

At the risk of sounding callous, you didn't kick off WW3, you haven't caused the deaths of thousands of people, you haven't made burning buildings crash to the ground, you haven't destroyed entire villages and condemned the people living there, to poverty and deprivation.

 

You've broken up with your ex.

I really don't care what you did, what you think you did, or what he thinks you did.

It's really not important any more.

It's over.

Your house is reaping massive benefits from your re-directed energy, and I bet you feel better for clearing out that storage room.

And if it's any consolation, I don't do sewing.

I do not sew.

I hate sewing.

A sewing machine, in my hands, is about as useful as a chocolate poker.

So you're one up on me there!

But you have to stop whanging yourself over the head with a cast-iron skillet, because at one point or another you have to move on.

And moving on, means not staying stuck in one crappy place all the time.

And putting yourself down isn't going to help you move forward.

 

Ok, so you phukked up.

 

So what?

 

Plenty of people have, plenty of people do and plenty of people will.

Again, and again, and again.

And - oh, look!

The sun's still shining and the trees are still in leaf!

That means that the world is still turning!

So maybe, you weren't responsible for the end of the world, after all!

 

Stop beating up on yourself.

So? You messed up.

So - get over it.

 

The sooner you understand that frankly, you are one of millions, and that life still goes on - the sooner you can begin to drop this and make progress.

But all this "Mea Culpa" schyt, just brings it down, and you don't have to carry this, really, you don't.

No.

You don't.

[jamesum]

So you acted crazy toward him for a year and when he got sick of you and left you you wanted him back.

 

No, you dont love him. You just cant accept that he left you.

 

Its like that story of a man who hates his wife so much that he comes up with the perfect crime to kill her. But on the day he is going to do it, his wife tell him that she is leaving him. And guess what happens? He cannot accept her leaving him and wants her to stay with him.

[remorseful1980]

LisaLee, he has always known about my insecurities because I met him when I was an emotional basketcase - I was cheated on by my ex-bf who I dated for 4 years, and my previous ex. He knew everything and tried to make me happy. He pursued me for more than 6 months, vowing to heal my hurt. I've only completely allowed myself to fall for him recently. And that's when he decided to give up on us.

 

Jamesum, I am in love with this guy. It took a long time for me to realize this but it's true. It's not the dog-in-the-manger attitude.

 

Taramaiden, I was such a bad gf, you have no idea. If my ex was a douchebag I would have forgiven myself, but my ex is the sweetest, most understanding, loving person I've ever met. I really have no idea why he chose to take me back several times.

 

So it's hard not to blame myself.

 

But I understand what you mean. That I cannot keep up beating myself and engaging in self-negativity. That is why I'm keeping my hands busy. Whenever I stand still my heart starts burning.

 

Sewing and making pretty dresses has been a life-long dream of mine, since I was a kid. I have 2 sewing machines sitting in the garage and some fabrics. But I'm gonna start small - do small repairs like hemlines, and sew pillowcases.

 

Thank you for making me feel better about myself.

[remorseful1980]

It's day 4. He texted me, asking if I miss him. I said, "You're all that's on my mind." Then he asked me if I would agree to spending the rest of the summer with him and just enjoy each other with no commitment. I could not say yes. I cannot be just his summer fling, when I was much more than that, I was his gf. I was tempted, but my pride held me back. He said he understand, that he doesn't want to hurt me all over again at the end of the summer.

 

He said he's still there for me. I thanked him. That was it. No begging, no pleading, no I love yous. I'm proud of myself, but it hurts. It hurts.

[Cracker Jack]

Good job on denying the summer fling. That shows you're going in the right direction.

 

Quick question, tho: If he was such a sweet guy and not a douche like your ex's, why were you so mean and nasty to him? I mean, I experienced this from a woman before, too, and I never could understand why some women would be that way towards someone who's on their side.

[Pink Cupcakes]

Sorry for what you're going through.

Sounds like you are moving at the end of the summer anyway, so you can have a fresh new start and meet someone else!

This guy just misses the sex and wanted you to provide that until you left.

good for you for refusing that.

[remorseful1980]

Pink Cupcakes Thanks. He was never in it just for sex, heaven knows there were plenty of girls who were/are after him. He pursued me for months and months when he could have anybody he wants. I think he might be missing my presence (coz we did have good times together), but emotionally he's not invested anymore.

 

At the new city I'm moving to, I'm just going to focus on myself, my schooling, my job, and take up various activities like cooking, dancing, etc. After school I will just travel. No more relationships for awhile, I think in this mental situation I'm in, I am just going to hurt somebody or be hurt again.

 

 

 

Good job on denying the summer fling. That shows you're going in the right direction.

 

Quick question, tho: If he was such a sweet guy and not a douche like your ex's, why were you so mean and nasty to him? I mean, I experienced this from a woman before, too, and I never could understand why some women would be that way towards someone who's on their side.

 

He pursued me, relentlessly, when I was not ready. I was grieving my loss, I was just a bundle of hurt walking around thinking everybody is about to hurt me.

 

Most of my nastiness was self-preservation instinct. When he did one thing wrong, I would build it up in my mind and make a big fuss. I would threaten to go and never see him again.

 

He would cry and say he's sorry. That if I leave him he's going to be alone. He allowed me to act this way towards him every time, so I became smug about it, I kept doing it.

 

Until now, when he at last agreed with the break-up.

 

He should not have allowed me to treat him like that, but out of kindness he did and so it became a destructive cycle.

 

He has no fault in this though. It was all mine. =(

[TaraMaiden]

Ah....

 

Now.....

 

Read that post again.

Dispassionately, and as if you had not been the one to write it.

Read it all again, word for word.

 

This sounds to me like a co-dependency.

He was relentless in his pursuit when you weren't ready?

I'm sure you must have indicated to him at times, that you weren't ready....

why didn't he take the hint?

He seems to have been over-insistent, and I'm sure you can make of it that it was just out of love and consideration for you.

 

But hang on - he's just proposed you spend summer with him "with no commitment".... there's a hugely selfish aspect to that, you know.

As you rightly say, you cannot be his fling.

That was a grossly unfair thing to suggest, particularly as he must surely know how badly you're hurting....

 

I also figure there is still pain here from your previous ex- and you still haven't completely moved on.

 

Do you think it would also help you to have a chat or two to a counsellor?