cartierbenjamin Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Women block their blessings searching for faults Audrey Irvine fears that women block their blessings with negative thinking Columnist: Women trained to look and prepare for possible disasters They examine the men they're dating for faults, bad behaviors She says that is why she, like so many other women, can't just enjoy the present Atlanta, Georgia (CNN) -- When single women gather they tend to complain ad nauseam about the lack of available good men. After a few more glasses of wine, the conversation inevitably begins with phrases like "if I had a man, I would do this" and "good men can't appreciate strong independent women." Then at the end of the night after everyone has parted ways, we realize the same thing -- that each of us is alone. That is until one of the women in the pack does luck out and meet that mysterious available man who actually is interested in a committed relationship. So, all is well right? Actually, no. It's just started getting crazy because -- guess what -- it's still not enough. Why? Because as women, we too often take on the persona of Eeyore from the "Winnie the Pooh" books when we get into a relationship. How many of you remember Eeyore? It could be the most beautiful day and the little donkey would find the single cloud in the sky. Winnie could be happy with his tub of honey, laughing while Tigger is dancing his little striped butt off while Eeyore would slowly walk by as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders. This is what some women do. They will not choose to find the silver lining in a situation but instead dig -- a la CSI -- for evidence, that one nugget of negativity that would surely doom this new partnership. Why do women, when relationships start getting good, tend to look at them with such a negative outlook? My mother used to always say, "Don't block your blessings." I always took this to mean that I needed to be open to blessings in order to receive them. So, that's what I've done and it's actually worked for me. I imagined and predicted that I would work at the television company I grew up watching. I got to do that three times in my career. I decided that I deserved an intelligent, sensitive, loving and strong man who would love me for me -- faults, warts and all. That blessing also has happened and guess what happened? With every happy milestone, there was Eeyore questioning why it happened. For every smile the man put on my face, there was Eeyore saying, "Hang on, he'll surely make you cry soon." Yet in my mind this wasn't me blocking my blessing, until one day that amazing guy -- guess what he did? No, he didn't leave, because that's what Eeyore would expect. Instead, he called me on my hypocrisy. He pointed out all that I claimed I wanted was a lie because the minute I got a taste of it, I dissected, questioned and doubted it existed. I was doing what my mother urged me not to do. I was blocking that blessing. So, why do women tend to ruin the one thing they claim to want the most? Is it unresolved issues from past loves, insecurity, a self-loathing feeling that they don't deserve happiness? Actually, it's a lot simpler than that. Women have been conditioned to believe that in order to succeed in this world we always have to be a step ahead of all potential problems. We need to always be ready for when the bottom falls out. We need to prepare that safety net so we cannot be caught off guard. As a result, women are so busy analyzing what could happen in the near future that they are destroying any possibility of nurturing the present. The mind set is not just limited to our love lives. I recently bought a house and had some rose bushes put in the front yard. Every day I diligently water those flowers, thinking about how beautiful they will be when they are bigger, fuller and look just like the picture that came with them. There's nothing wrong with focusing on the future. But I realized my obsession with how they were going to look in the years ahead made me not appreciate the small steps toward beauty they were already taking. I wanted to concentrate on when the roses would be at maximum beauty. So now when I water the roses and prune their dead leaves, I say to them "you are beautiful just the way you are, and I realize that with time, you will grow to be all I dreamed of and more." Some days, though, in the midst of that positivity, I see Eeyore lurking in the corner of my mind, daring those roses to look better.
Serenitynow Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 (edited) LOL I just replied to a post, and explained the same exact thing to a woman. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t238252/ She cant understand WHY such a nice, attractive, man is single, and chose to date her. This is what guys mean when they say women like a-holes. They dont know how to handle dating a guy with no baggage, no issues, but has repect and manners. I absolutley LOVE that a female wrote this column. Because now women cant just blow it off like they would if a guy wrote it. . Edited July 15, 2010 by Serenitynow
sweetjasmine Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I absolutley LOVE that a female wrote this column. Because now women cant just blow it off like they would if a guy wrote it. Um, why? Is it against the law for a woman to disagree with another woman? That column is profoundly stupid. Focusing on the future while neglecting the present isn't a trait that belongs to every single member of a single gender. Neither is pessimism, or the inability to appreciate good things, or insecurity, or bitterness, or low self-esteem.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Um, why? Is it against the law for a woman to disagree with another woman? That column is profoundly stupid. Focusing on the future while neglecting the present isn't a trait that belongs to every single member of a single gender. Neither is pessimism, or the inability to appreciate good things, or insecurity, or bitterness, or low self-esteem. Yep, I agree. I don't know why this thread is focused on women because it's a problem that many, many men and women both have. I'm also afraid that the fact that it focuses on women is going to make men who read it think that women are irrational if they have a problem with the relationship that the man doesn't agree with. Just because one person thinks that there isn't a problem in the relationship, doesn't mean that there isn't one. It seems like a way to allow men to invalidate a woman's opinion because she's too emotional and irrational and trying to find faults where there isn't one supposedly. There was a guy, I knew, for instance, who was spending 5-7 nights a week with his guy friends and 5-7 minutes a day with his girlfriend. She got upset, but he was content with the way things were and he told her,"You're just making up problems where there aren't any." As if that's a female trait that all females do. I'm not saying that this article has no merit. Some people do behave this way, but the way it was stated and the people who it was directed towards is unfair. My boyfriend and I BOTH try to keep ourselves focused on each other's strengths rather than each other's faults. We know that if we don't BOTH do it and regularly list to ourselves and each other, the things that we love about each other, that we'll start taking each other for granted and being pessimistic about the relationship.
SteveC80 Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 One thing most women usually cant do for the life of them is accept blame for something,this is a step in the right direction.
sweetjasmine Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I'm not saying that this article has no merit. Some people do behave this way, but the way it was stated and the people who it was directed towards is unfair. Yeah, I agree. And the author completely lost me right here: So, why do women tend to ruin the one thing they claim to want the most? Is it unresolved issues from past loves, insecurity, a self-loathing feeling that they don't deserve happiness? Actually, it's a lot simpler than that. Women have been conditioned to believe that in order to succeed in this world we always have to be a step ahead of all potential problems. We need to always be ready for when the bottom falls out. We need to prepare that safety net so we cannot be caught off guard. No, actually, insecurity, past issues, and low self-esteem are perfectly adequate explanations for why some people self-sabotage, and I think they're the only explanations that actually make sense. Someone with good self-esteem isn't going to be thinking, "He's a decent person and actually likes me. There must be something wrong with this picture!" Someone who's secure isn't going to constantly be on the look out for anything that could possibly be a problem. And I have no idea where the "women have been conditioned..." bit comes from. I was taught to always be aware of potential problems and to be careful, in general. I was taught to not put myself in situations where I could end up with serious problems. But I'm not absolutely crippled by fear of problems and always looking for what might be wrong. It's not in my nature. I'm cautious, but not paranoid. It doesn't follow that being told "be ready for problems" automatically leads to self-sabotaging when you have something good. Quite frankly, I think that anyone who assumes "be prepared" automatically leads to paralysis and self-sabotage of the "I can't possibly enjoy anything, this is too good to be true, I must find fault" variety is projecting their own issues onto everyone else. Plus, that doesn't even touch on the whole "women have been conditioned...". Oh yeah? So men aren't conditioned to be one step ahead and aware of any potential problems? Men don't worry about the security of their future? Ever? Makes perfect sense to me. I guess that's why my SO is constantly worrying about his and our future to the point of occasionally missing out on the present. Because it's only women who are taught to do that. Not to mention, "be prepared" -- hmm, isn't that the Boy Scouts motto? How come we don't have an epidemic of emotionally crippled Boy Scouts who absolutely must find something wrong with absolutely everything that could be possibly good? My boyfriend and I BOTH try to keep ourselves focused on each other's strengths rather than each other's faults. We know that if we don't BOTH do it and regularly list to ourselves and each other, the things that we love about each other, that we'll start taking each other for granted and being pessimistic about the relationship. Yeah, exactly. It's about who you are and how you approach things. Just because you happen to be female doesn't mean you're going to automatically be pessimistic, untrusting, and self-sabotaging in your relationship. You understand that could be a problem, so you and your boyfriend consciously work on it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Yep, I agree. I don't know why this thread is focused on women because it's a problem that many, many men and women both have. I'm also afraid that the fact that it focuses on women is going to make men who read it think that women are irrational if they have a problem with the relationship that the man doesn't agree with. Just because one person thinks that there isn't a problem in the relationship, doesn't mean that there isn't one. It seems like a way to allow men to invalidate a woman's opinion because she's too emotional and irrational and trying to find faults where there isn't one supposedly. Yes, but some women do go out of their way to find faults in their relationship. So is the article suddenly invalid if it doesn't fit every single woman out there?
Gold Pile Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 With such women (not all women) I make my moves early and fast (before they have time to list my faults) In the blink of an eye they are caught in a lip locked grope fest. Fast moves bring on enough arousal to make saying "yes" an easy decision. Just make sure she IS indeed checking you out 1st. That means she finds you appealing enouch to evaluate. You're still a good one till she has time to study you. In a private, semi private, or even a large crowd (anomymous).... put yourself a distance from her and go silent, give a slight smile, then clearly look her over from toes to eyes. Lock in eye to eye contact and walk confidently toward her. Don't run but be fast enough that she hasn't enough time to think about rejecting you. Pull her in, kiss, fondle. Pull back an inch and say "OK?". If she was into you, she'll usually say "OK". If she pauses, it's her trying to think of the right words to respond negatively to the "ok". Keep up the fondle work and keep your mouth very close to hers, maybe this will win her over..probably not, but worth a shot.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Yes, but some women do go out of their way to find faults in their relationship. So is the article suddenly invalid if it doesn't fit every single woman out there? No, I said the exact opposite in my post if you read it. The article is not only valid, but doesn't take it far enough because it projects this idea as only a problem with women.
Serenitynow Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 So is the article suddenly invalid if it doesn't fit every single woman out there? See thats what I mean. Women look at the atricle, and INSTANTLY dismiss it as rubbish. Many women wont even accept the fact that it does hit home for many personalities. Just because you arent like that, doesnt mean its not true. Um, why? Is it against the law for a woman to disagree with another woman?Not at all. But IF a guy wrote it, women wouldnt have to come up with any reason to dismiss it, besides saying the GUY doesnt know crap. Anyone thats not biased, will agree that article hits home pretty good. I'm not saying ALL women, but quite a few. .
Enchanted Girl Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 See thats what I mean. Women look at the atricle, and INSTANTLY dismiss it as rubbish. Many women wont even accept the fact that it does hit home for many personalities. Just because you arent like that, doesnt mean its not true. Not at all. But IF a guy wrote it, women wouldnt have to come up with any reason to dismiss it, besides saying the GUY doesnt know crap. Anyone thats not biased, will agree that article hits home pretty good. I'm not saying ALL women, but quite a few. . It can't hit home to a woman that it doesn't apply to. And I can write,"Anyone who is not biased will agree that this article should apply to more than just women. It should also apply to men." But that doesn't make my statement true. Although, I do think it's very hypocritical that the people being argued with in this thread are the women that say that it applies to both genders because we are supposedly not accepting blame. We are accepting blame, just saying that there's even more people to blame than just women. If you disagree with us, then you're saying that men should accept no blame for this. It is not US denying blame here, just saying that it doesn't apply exclusively to only one gender.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 No, I said the exact opposite in my post if you read it. The article is not only valid, but doesn't take it far enough because it projects this idea as only a problem with women. What you said was that if a woman finds fault in her relationship... then there is a good reason for it. Then you sited the example of a guy who didn't spend enough time with his GF and she felt that was wrong. The article addresses women because they more commonly exhibit this type of behavior. I've met only a handful of men who constantly find issues with their relationship. I've met only a handful of women who don't. Personally, I think it's because when you have high levels of testosterone you are less influenced by negative reinforcement.
BobSacamento Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 They look for negatives so when they are dumped they have this fantasy list for why it's no loss to them.
Serenitynow Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I understand what you mean. But when I read article that picks guys apart, I dont feel the need to defend myself or my gender by making sure everyone else knows that other people are involved. I see more females do this than males. Especially on here. Women are so quick to get each others back, and try to find any little detail to throw back at men. No matter how right on the article or post is. I see many more guys bash guys on here than women bash women for giving their own gender a bad name. .
Enchanted Girl Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 What you said was that if a woman finds fault in her relationship... then there is a good reason for it. Then you sited the example of a guy who didn't spend enough time with his GF and she felt that was wrong. The article addresses women because they more commonly exhibit this type of behavior. I've met only a handful of men who constantly find issues with their relationship. I've met only a handful of women who don't. Personally, I think it's because when you have high levels of testosterone you are less influenced by negative reinforcement. See, this is exactly why I made the post I did. Because everyone's going to read this thread and go,"Haha. Look at women being all irrational. A guy would never do this." And continue to hold onto the stereotype that women are irrational and not as logical as men, as if that wasn't a sexist stereotype to follow. It projects women as being stupid, even if you say that not all women are that stupid and irrational, you're still saying the majority are and the majority of men aren't. I didn't need to provide an example of a woman finding irrational faults. The article did that for me. I was showing an exception to this rule and what can happen when men decide all women are irrational and find faults with nothing. Their feelings, even when valid, can be completely ignored. I never once said that every time a woman finds fault in a relationship that she's right. I said: I don't know why this thread is focused on women because it's a problem that many, many men and women both have. If I believed as you said I did, then I would never have admitted that women do have problems with irrationally blaming people sometimes.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I understand what you mean. But when I read article that picks guys apart, I dont feel the need to defend myself or my gender by making sure everyone else knows that other people are involved. I see more females do this than males. Especially on here. Women are so quick to get each others back, and try to find any little detail to throw back at men. No matter how right on the article or post is. I see many more guys bash guys on here than women bash women for giving their own gender a bad name. . Another post about how all women are irrational and emotional. Every single one of you who is arguing with me is giving me examples of how women are supposedly less intelligent or rational than men. You said it here, women are so quick to just criticize everyone for no reason. We're so illogical and all we want to do is cause pain, while men on the other hand, you're so civilized and intelligent. You show us women how inferior you are just by your behavior . . . . obviously. That's why you don't cause fights. Only women do that. That's why I have to argue with these threads because I've been trying to fight this stereotype my whole life. Women aren't less intelligent or rational by nature than men are. There's lots of people out there of both genders who act stupid and who cause lots of drama. That's why this article should have been directed towards both genders. And I think there's nothing wrong with trying to defend your gender from negative stereotypes. If someone is stating something that is wrong about your gender, then you should definitely argue with it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 See, this is exactly why I made the post I did. Because everyone's going to read this thread and go,"Haha. Look at women being all irrational. A guy would never do this." And continue to hold onto the stereotype that women are irrational and not as logical as men, as if that wasn't a sexist stereotype to follow. It projects women as being stupid, even if you say that not all women are that stupid and irrational, you're still saying the majority are and the majority of men aren't. I didn't need to provide an example of a woman finding irrational faults. The article did that for me. I was showing an exception to this rule and what can happen when men decide all women are irrational and find faults with nothing. Their feelings, even when valid, can be completely ignored. I never once said that every time a woman finds fault in a relationship that she's right. I said: If I believed as you said I did, then I would never have admitted that women do have problems with irrationally blaming people sometimes. First, men and women have differences both physically and mentally. Agree? Second, each of those differences often has positives and negatives. For example women tend to be much more nurturing and much less likely to take crazy risks. In your example... Why did the guy prefer to spend all of his time with his friends? Isn't that the real problem?
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Another post about how all women are irrational and emotional. Every single one of you who is arguing with me is giving me examples of how women are supposedly less intelligent or rational than men. You said it here, women are so quick to just criticize everyone for no reason. We're so illogical and all we want to do is cause pain, while men on the other hand, you're so civilized and intelligent. You show us women how inferior you are just by your behavior . . . . obviously. That's why you don't cause fights. Only women do that. Wait... I'm not trying to say that women are stupid or inferior. Some of the smartest most rational people I've ever met are women.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 First, men and women have differences both physically and mentally. Agree? Second, each of those differences often has positives and negatives. For example women tend to be much more nurturing and much less likely to take crazy risks. In your example... Why did the guy prefer to spend all of his time with his friends? Isn't that the real problem? Yes that is the real problem, but not my point. He said it wasn't a problem because she was just trying to find faults in things that weren't there and that was his excuse for ignoring her viewpoint. It's impossible to disagree that men and women are different physically. They are, that's what makes them a man or a woman. And whether or not I agree that they have mental differences naturally (which is an area that I feel unsure in and an area that I think is very complicated with no definitive proof on either viewpoint) has no baring on whether or not I think they are different in this one specific area. I do not think women are so emotional that they are less likely to be rational than men and cause more arguments just for the heck of it.
Serenitynow Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 all women are irrational and emotional Show me where I said that you are the one making assumptions When I say "women" it simply means that, nothing else. You are the one that needs to see the word SOME or A FEW in front of it to feel comfortable. If I mean ALL I will say all. I am the last guy you will find to ever stick up for the idiotic acts of other guys. I think MOST guys are classes morons. But I have no problem admitting that. The difference is, that many many women would NEVER admit that about other women, even if they know the shoe fits for the situation in question. Women tend to have more of a sisterhood, even if they dont know each other. They get each others back. Guys tend to be more unbiased and tell it like it is, regardless of the sex involved. That's why this article should have been directed towards both genders. Just because the author wrote about one gender, doesnt mean the other gender is looked at in a more positive light. But you must look at it that way, hence the fact you have a biased view of it. If it was written about a guy, I guarantee you wouldnt be running around trying to inform everyone that women do the same. You are going to drive yourself nuts trying to defend the actions of the women that could care less about themselves and their own self respect. .
Woggle Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Any man who has ever been in a relationship where he feels he can't do anything right is going to relate to this article. It is 100% true for many women.
sweetjasmine Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 See thats what I mean. Women look at the atricle, and INSTANTLY dismiss it as rubbish. Many women wont even accept the fact that it does hit home for many personalities. Just because you arent like that, doesnt mean its not true. I instantly dismissed the article because it's a pile of crap trying to be quirky-clever with the rose bush anecdote, the Eeyore references, and the aw shucks y'know what? casual style without actually saying anything of substance. If you want to know why I think her argument is crap, I already explained it in my last post in this thread. Do you disagree with my criticisms of the article? Why or why not? The author isn't just describing that specific type of behavior. She's giving a very weak explanation as to what causes it while dismissing the actual reasons why people self-sabotage.
zengirl Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Women and men both do this. I've noticed they tend to do it in different ways. In my opinion: Women tend to be more verbal about it. Men tend to wallow in the feeling of it, without ever putting it into words. For instance, the woman will worry to her friends about what will happen with a new guy who seems perfect (I'm sure some men do this too; in fact, I've had male friends ask me about things like this, but I think women do it more). The man isn't immune to the worries, nor does he snap out of the feelings any easier. He just doesn't talk about them so much. He buries himself in work, exercise, or whatever interests he has, without confronting the negative feelings and removing them. So, he's blocking his blessings by allowing the negativity to remain. At the same time, many women too often think that just by "Getting their feelings out there," they are solving something. Which is what I think the article means. They're actually just exacerbating the problem sometimes. Of course, men and women don't behave in any 1 way, and you can't stereotype half the people on Earth with any given thing.
Taramere Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I instantly dismissed the article because it's a pile of crap trying to be quirky-clever with the rose bush anecdote, the Eeyore references, and the aw shucks y'know what? casual style without actually saying anything of substance. If you want to know why I think her argument is crap, I already explained it in my last post in this thread. It seems as though the writer's indulged in a spot of self examination, spotted some negatives about herself and is now projecting them onto the rest of her gender. So now when I water the roses and prune their dead leaves, I say to them "you are beautiful just the way you are, and I realize that with time, you will grow to be all I dreamed of and more." Some days, though, in the midst of that positivity, I see Eeyore lurking in the corner of my mind, daring those roses to look better. Eeyore's probably trying to hypnotise the roses into uprooting themselves in the middle of the night, so that they can march into her bedroom and thornily punish her for creeping them out on a regular basis.
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