Should the OW/OM attend the children's sporting events...even inconspicuously?

[GreenEyedLady]

I do hope that someday I can know them personally. And I hope that they will understand and forgive and accept the love i will offer them.

 

It will depend on their age. Eventually though, they will see the difference before and after and that their parent is happy and it will work out in the end.

 

That's how it was with us. Although the youngest fell in love with me right away, but she was young.

 

I think that it is harder on the new family if the BS talks badly about the other parent or acts as if their life is ruined (which did not happen in our case). But still, I really believe from experience (not just mine) that the kids love the other parent no matter what and eventually move past it.

 

GEL

[MizFit]

It will depend on their age. Eventually though, they will see the difference before and after and that their parent is happy and it will work out in the end.

 

That's how it was with us. Although the youngest fell in love with me right away, but she was young.

 

I think that it is harder on the new family if the BS talks badly about the other parent or acts as if their life is ruined (which did not happen in our case). But still, I really believe from experience (not just mine) that the kids love the other parent no matter what and eventually move past it.

 

GEL

 

I agree wholeheartedly...at some point kids grow up and make adult decisions.

 

When I was a BS several things happened...1 was that I didn't blame the OW whatsoever so my WH family heard nothing bad from me, nor did my 3 year old son. The other thing, I have never said a bad word about my exH to my son. His actions would dictate the involvement my son would want...they haven't seen each other in 12 years, but that has nothing to do with me. Every Christmas and every birthday I still ask if he wants to get in touch with his dad. I made a conscious choice I would never interfere in their relationship...period.

 

There are obviously cases that the situation is never forgiven or moved past...I believe more often than not it is.

[Fallen Angel]

It will depend on their age. Eventually though, they will see the difference before and after and that their parent is happy and it will work out in the end.

 

That's how it was with us. Although the youngest fell in love with me right away, but she was young.

 

I think that it is harder on the new family if the BS talks badly about the other parent or acts as if their life is ruined (which did not happen in our case). But still, I really believe from experience (not just mine) that the kids love the other parent no matter what and eventually move past it.

 

GEL

 

I agree wholeheartedly...at some point kids grow up and make adult decisions.

 

When I was a BS several things happened...1 was that I didn't blame the OW whatsoever so my WH family heard nothing bad from me, nor did my 3 year old son. The other thing, I have never said a bad word about my exH to my son. His actions would dictate the involvement my son would want...they haven't seen each other in 12 years, but that has nothing to do with me. Every Christmas and every birthday I still ask if he wants to get in touch with his dad. I made a conscious choice I would never interfere in their relationship...period.

 

There are obviously cases that the situation is never forgiven or moved past...I believe more often than not it is.

 

Thank you both for this.

 

His children are at this point adults who have started their own families, and one who is very close to being an adult.

 

I do know that my step-fathers kids were disappointed for a time in their father when they found out about his long term affair with my mother. They were about the ages of my sweethearts kids (The youngest had just turned of age when he divorced to be with my mother.)

 

But once the initial shock wore off, they were more upset that he had waited so long to be honest with him, and denied them the chance to know his "other family" for all of those many years. They in time became very close with my mother and myself, and my youngest step-sister proudly introduced me to her friends as the "little sister she had had for 12 years before she knew it!" LMAO.

 

I hope that in time I can experience a similar connection between his children and mine. I am hopefull...

[MizFit]

Thank you both for this.

 

His children are at this point adults who have started their own families, and one who is very close to being an adult.

 

I do know that my step-fathers kids were disappointed for a time in their father when they found out about his long term affair with my mother. They were about the ages of my sweethearts kids (The youngest had just turned of age when he divorced to be with my mother.)

 

But once the initial shock wore off, they were more upset that he had waited so long to be honest with him, and denied them the chance to know his "other family" for all of those many years. They in time became very close with my mother and myself, and my youngest step-sister proudly introduced me to her friends as the "little sister she had had for 12 years before she knew it!" LMAO.

 

I hope that in time I can experience a similar connection between his children and mine. I am hopefull...

 

They'll need to set the pace and you'll need to be patient. It's entirely possible you will both be set aside and treated very poorly, but I'm pretty sure it would change. My exH had a son who lived with him...when we married I was the stepmother to someone about 9 years younger than myself. He resented me even though I had nothing to do with the breakup of his parents...I was still 'in the way'. I was patient and more patient and then I borrowed some patience and then I ran out. About 2 and a bit years into it he did something and I had enough...I went back at him and ended the attitude I was an emotional punching bag. We had such a good talk and we cried and he told me things I doubt he's shared with another soul...I've been divorced from his dad for almost 20 years and he and I are still great friends.

 

You'll find your way around FA...you're compassionate and warm...if you and MM want it to work then it will. I have some extra patience stocked up if you need any!

[OWoman]

Thank you both for this.

 

His children are at this point adults who have started their own families, and one who is very close to being an adult.

 

I do know that my step-fathers kids were disappointed for a time in their father when they found out about his long term affair with my mother. They were about the ages of my sweethearts kids (The youngest had just turned of age when he divorced to be with my mother.)

 

But once the initial shock wore off, they were more upset that he had waited so long to be honest with him, and denied them the chance to know his "other family" for all of those many years. They in time became very close with my mother and myself, and my youngest step-sister proudly introduced me to her friends as the "little sister she had had for 12 years before she knew it!" LMAO.

 

I hope that in time I can experience a similar connection between his children and mine. I am hopefull...

 

My H's kids were onside from the moment he told them, before the split. His son was particularly excited at the prospect of meeting my son, as he'd always wanted an older brother. When they finally got to meet, they hit it off instantly, despite being very different, and having had very different lives.

 

It all depends on the people, their life stage and the dynamics. If there's the prospect of their own lives being enriched through a positive, close R with the OW / her family, most kids will go for that. And who could resist your warmth and charm?

[Stung]

I recoiled at the very idea of this. I am in general a pacifist and a kind and patient person, traits I actively cultivate within myself, but I have personal demons I've been wrestling with for years which sometimes rechannel themselves into bursts of hard and righteous anger...in addition, I am extremely protective of my son. This is just a guess as I've never been in this situation, but if I were to find out an OW had been not only banging my husband but shadowing my kids and spying on us as a family, I'm pretty sure I would totally lose my sh*t. It would be a really bad idea to engage in this kind of shady behavior, I can see how this kind of violation heaped on top of violation could trigger very serious rage, even violence. Maybe that speaks ill of my personal development but I for one would not want to be either the WS or the AP in question on the day the BS got wind of these shenanigans, because if the BS were anything like me it would likely get U-G-L-Y.

Edited June 20, 2010 by Stung

[LucreziaBorgia]

From the kid's POV I would say this: the idea of any of my parents' OM/OW showing up to see anything I was doing at school made me feel incredibly ill and angry. What kid wants their friends to know that their parents f*ck around? I didn't. My brother didn't. It was sick and embarrassing for us. I can remember having to see (one of) my first stepmother's OM hanging around and pretending nothing was going on. He was not there to see the concert/game/etc. He was there for her.

 

Sure he made her happy and there was the 'harmonious' time for HER and her OM, and admittedly she was a lot more pleasant to be around when she was f*cking around, but that didn't change the fact that we were dealing with our fathers pain, embarrassment and humiliation - and here she was encouraging this teenaged assclown to hang around to watch us do things at school like he belonged there.

 

She wanted me and my brother to be 'friends' with him so that she would have an excuse to have him around even more, and explain why she was giving him rides to school. We played nice with her and him to their faces because we really didn't have a choice. We never liked OM, and to this day even the sound of her or his name makes me .

 

Even at my most sociopath OW days, I would not include my child or anyone else's children in something like an affair. To do so is just downright sick, and I say that from years of being sickened, disgusted and embarrassed by my own philandering family.

 

Keep the affair where it belongs: between the two consenting parties, and away from the family unit and things the family unit is doing: like sports events, etc.

 

If you end up with OW/OM fine - at least let there be a decent amount of time before you spring the 'new' person on your kids. Despite what people might think, the kids generally aren't happy to see their parents split and have their home torn apart and their status quo evaporated regardless of how 'horrible' of a marriage the OW/OM was told it was.

 

They might be playing nice to your face if your MM/MW has the gall to bring you into the affair, but I can tell you this - when you leave the room it might just be a different story altogether.

[Fieldsofgold]

I recoiled at the very idea of this. I am in general a pacifist and a kind and patient person, traits I actively cultivate within myself, but I have personal demons I've been wrestling with for years which sometimes rechannel themselves into bursts of hard and righteous anger...in addition, I am extremely protective of my son. This is just a guess as I've never been in this situation, but if I were to find out an OW had been not only banging my husband but shadowing my kids and spying on us as a family, I'm pretty sure I would totally lose my sh*t. It would be a really bad idea to engage in this kind of shady behavior, I can see how this kind of violation heaped on top of violation could trigger very serious rage, even violence. Maybe that speaks ill of my personal development but I for one would not want to be either the WS or the AP in question on the day the BS got wind of these shenanigans, because if the BS were anything like me it would likely get U-G-L-Y.

 

Reminds me of the time my H's OW told my three year old daughter she was going to be her new mommy. My daughter, at age 3, went into a serious depression, and didn't tell me for a while. When she did, it was with hysterical sobs and terrible fear that she was about to lose me forever to this other woman.

 

Until the OW and WS are married, leave the little kids the h3ll alone.

Edited June 21, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[Fieldsofgold]

From the kid's POV I would say this: the idea of any of my parents' OM/OW showing up to see anything I was doing at school made me feel incredibly ill and angry. What kid wants their friends to know that their parents f*ck around? I didn't. My brother didn't. It was sick and embarrassing for us. I can remember having to see (one of) my first stepmother's OM hanging around and pretending nothing was going on. He was not there to see the concert/game/etc. He was there for her.

 

Sure he made her happy and there was the 'harmonious' time for HER and her OM, and admittedly she was a lot more pleasant to be around when she was f*cking around, but that didn't change the fact that we were dealing with our fathers pain, embarrassment and humiliation - and here she was encouraging this teenaged assclown to hang around to watch us do things at school like he belonged there.

 

She wanted me and my brother to be 'friends' with him so that she would have an excuse to have him around even more, and explain why she was giving him rides to school. We played nice with her and him to their faces because we really didn't have a choice. We never liked OM, and to this day even the sound of her or his name makes me .

 

Even at my most sociopath OW days, I would not include my child or anyone else's children in something like an affair. To do so is just downright sick, and I say that from years of being sickened, disgusted and embarrassed by my own philandering family.

 

Keep the affair where it belongs: between the two consenting parties, and away from the family unit and things the family unit is doing: like sports events, etc.

 

If you end up with OW/OM fine - at least let there be a decent amount of time before you spring the 'new' person on your kids. Despite what people might think, the kids generally aren't happy to see their parents split and have their home torn apart and their status quo evaporated regardless of how 'horrible' of a marriage the OW/OM was told it was.

 

They might be playing nice to your face if your MM/MW has the gall to bring you into the affair, but I can tell you this - when you leave the room it might just be a different story altogether.

 

Thanks for sharing this first-hand experience.

[Fallen Angel]

It will depend on their age. Eventually though, they will see the difference before and after and that their parent is happy and it will work out in the end.

 

That's how it was with us. Although the youngest fell in love with me right away, but she was young.

 

I think that it is harder on the new family if the BS talks badly about the other parent or acts as if their life is ruined (which did not happen in our case). But still, I really believe from experience (not just mine) that the kids love the other parent no matter what and eventually move past it.

 

GEL

 

I agree wholeheartedly...at some point kids grow up and make adult decisions.

 

When I was a BS several things happened...1 was that I didn't blame the OW whatsoever so my WH family heard nothing bad from me, nor did my 3 year old son. The other thing, I have never said a bad word about my exH to my son. His actions would dictate the involvement my son would want...they haven't seen each other in 12 years, but that has nothing to do with me. Every Christmas and every birthday I still ask if he wants to get in touch with his dad. I made a conscious choice I would never interfere in their relationship...period.

 

There are obviously cases that the situation is never forgiven or moved past...I believe more often than not it is.

 

Thank you both for this.

 

His children are at this point adults who have started their own families, and one who is very close to being an adult.

 

I do know that my step-fathers kids were disappointed for a time in their father when they found out about his long term affair with my mother. They were about the ages of my sweethearts kids (The youngest had just turned of age when he divorced to be with my mother.)

 

But once the initial shock wore off, they were more upset that he had waited so long to be honest with him, and denied them the chance to know his "other family" for all of those many years. They in time became very close with my mother and myself, and my youngest step-sister proudly introduced me to her friends as the "little sister she had had for 12 years before she knew it!" LMAO.

 

I hope that in time I can experience a similar connection between his children and mine. I am hopefull...

 

They'll need to set the pace and you'll need to be patient. It's entirely possible you will both be set aside and treated very poorly, but I'm pretty sure it would change. My exH had a son who lived with him...when we married I was the stepmother to someone about 9 years younger than myself. He resented me even though I had nothing to do with the breakup of his parents...I was still 'in the way'. I was patient and more patient and then I borrowed some patience and then I ran out. About 2 and a bit years into it he did something and I had enough...I went back at him and ended the attitude I was an emotional punching bag. We had such a good talk and we cried and he told me things I doubt he's shared with another soul...I've been divorced from his dad for almost 20 years and he and I are still great friends.

 

You'll find your way around FA...you're compassionate and warm...if you and MM want it to work then it will. I have some extra patience stocked up if you need any!

 

My H's kids were onside from the moment he told them, before the split. His son was particularly excited at the prospect of meeting my son, as he'd always wanted an older brother. When they finally got to meet, they hit it off instantly, despite being very different, and having had very different lives.

 

It all depends on the people, their life stage and the dynamics. If there's the prospect of their own lives being enriched through a positive, close R with the OW / her family, most kids will go for that. And who could resist your warmth and charm?

 

Thanks for sharing this first-hand experience.

[CrayonAngel]

From the kid's POV I would say this: the idea of any of my parents' OM/OW showing up to see anything I was doing at school made me feel incredibly ill and angry. What kid wants their friends to know that their parents f*ck around? I didn't. My brother didn't. It was sick and embarrassing for us. I can remember having to see (one of) my first stepmother's OM hanging around and pretending nothing was going on. He was not there to see the concert/game/etc. He was there for her.

 

Sure he made her happy and there was the 'harmonious' time for HER and her OM, and admittedly she was a lot more pleasant to be around when she was f*cking around, but that didn't change the fact that we were dealing with our fathers pain, embarrassment and humiliation - and here she was encouraging this teenaged assclown to hang around to watch us do things at school like he belonged there.

 

She wanted me and my brother to be 'friends' with him so that she would have an excuse to have him around even more, and explain why she was giving him rides to school. We played nice with her and him to their faces because we really didn't have a choice. We never liked OM, and to this day even the sound of her or his name makes me .

 

Even at my most sociopath OW days, I would not include my child or anyone else's children in something like an affair. To do so is just downright sick, and I say that from years of being sickened, disgusted and embarrassed by my own philandering family.

 

Keep the affair where it belongs: between the two consenting parties, and away from the family unit and things the family unit is doing: like sports events, etc.

 

If you end up with OW/OM fine - at least let there be a decent amount of time before you spring the 'new' person on your kids. Despite what people might think, the kids generally aren't happy to see their parents split and have their home torn apart and their status quo evaporated regardless of how 'horrible' of a marriage the OW/OM was told it was.

 

They might be playing nice to your face if your MM/MW has the gall to bring you into the affair, but I can tell you this - when you leave the room it might just be a different story altogether.

 

I felt the SAME exact way..so ****ing embarassed for years! My dad had an affair with a schoolmate's mom..when it all came out (I was in the 8th grade) ugh...lets just say I don't want to go back to that town really..ever. It's pretty sad to say I don't want to go back to the town I was raised in...too many bad memories cloud the good ones.

[CrayonAngel]

Thanks for sharing this first-hand experience.

 

so uncalled for.. if the truth can't be spoken anywhere on this forum then why don't we all drink the koolaid and dye our hair the same color.

[Fallen Angel]

so uncalled for.. if the truth can't be spoken anywhere on this forum then why don't we all drink the koolaid and dye our hair the same color.

 

What is uncalled for?? I simply thanked EVERYONE for their truth.

 

The stories those other ladies spoke (including myself) were their first hand experiences with the topic.

 

I simply thanked them for sharing their truth.

 

Just because it is not a truth you want to hear makes it no less the truth.

 

Or is the only truth allowed the one you wish for others to see?

[Ms. Red]

so uncalled for.. if the truth can't be spoken anywhere on this forum then why don't we all drink the kool-aid and dye our hair the same color.

 

What you are talking about? She quoted truth as stated by posters & their experience. That was spoken truth. We've seen both sides of the situation posted in this thread when the children meet the parents partners or spouse. Why is that particular post uncalled for?

 

For the record, my son can't stand my husband's girlfriend and wants nothing to do with her.

[CrayonAngel]

Sure..I understand if its heartfelt..but it wasn't. We see it all to often on this thread..read above, she is mocking another poster.

[Fallen Angel]

Sure..I understand if its heartfelt..but it wasn't. We see it all to often on this thread..read above, she is mocking another poster.

 

Please do not presume to know what is in my heart.

 

I was mocking no one.

[Fieldsofgold]

I think the important thing to take away from this is that insinuating yourself into the lives of the MP's children is something that is best done with great care, if at all. It may work out wonderfully for everyone involved, or the child/children may be devastated. The children may grow to love you. But they may just as well hate you to your dying day.

 

From my personal experience, my daughter always hated the afore-mentioned OW. My xH did marry her three weeks after our D. My dau. liked OW/W #3 a little better (I liked her considerably better than H!). But Dau. absolutely hated OW/wife #4. To this day, none of his OW/Ws are/were anything more than a speed bump in her life. Even the nice one, who was also the mother of my daughter's half brother. Dau. and half bro are close now, but his mother is nothing to my daughter. Dau. has no contact with her. I guess I'm saying all that to say that, in our case, my daugter was put through all the drama of his OW/W's . . . for nothing. None of these people forged a relationship with her, their R's with WS didn't last - my daughter went through all of that for nothing.

 

Having been a single parent, I have read much dating advice that recommends the children not be involved in the parent's dating life until the relationship becomes "we're engaged, with a ring and a date." This written by child psychologists and other such "experts." (in the case of the A, I guess it would be "a divorce, a ring and a date."

 

I'm not saying whether they are right or wrong. But they may know more than us, considering most of us are, or have been, in some very screwed-up relationships. (big sigh, tiredly stated to avoid further uproar, please note I said "most." I am sure some of the relationships discussed on here are "models" of the "ideal," so if that is "your reality," no offense intended.)

[Fieldsofgold]

I think the important thing to take away from this is that insinuating yourself into the lives of the MP's children is something that is best done with great care, if at all. It may work out wonderfully for everyone involved, or the child/children may be devastated. The children may grow to love you. But they may just as well hate you to your dying day.

 

From my personal experience, my daughter always hated the afore-mentioned OW. My xH did marry her three weeks after our D. My dau. liked OW/W #3 a little better (I liked her considerably better than H!). But Dau. absolutely hated OW/wife #4. To this day, none of his OW/Ws are/were anything more than a speed bump in her life. Even the nice one, who was also the mother of my daughter's half brother. Dau. and half bro are close now, but his mother is nothing to my daughter. Dau. has no contact with her. I guess I'm saying all that to say that, in our case, my daugter was put through all the drama of his OW/W's . . . for nothing. None of these people forged a relationship with her, their R's with WS didn't last - my daughter went through all of that for nothing.

 

Having been a single parent, I have read much dating advice that recommends the children not be involved in the parent's dating life until the relationship becomes "we're engaged, with a ring and a date." This written by child psychologists and other such "experts." (in the case of the A, I guess it would be "a divorce, a ring and a date."

 

I'm not saying whether they are right or wrong. But they may know more than us, considering most of us are, or have been, in some very screwed-up relationships. (big sigh, tiredly stated to avoid further uproar, please note I said "most." I am sure some of the relationships discussed on here are "models" of the "ideal," so if that is "your reality," no offense intended.)

[Fieldsofgold]

Please do not presume to know what is in my heart.

 

I was mocking no one.

 

FA, I have always respected you and hopefully, have treated you with respect.

 

I don't presume to know what is in your heart, but surely you can see why CA might think you were mocking me?

 

Fortunately, I am old and thick-skinned, I have lived more than my share of "life experiences," have lived alongside and shared many of the "life experiences" of others. I see life from a very different POV than many people here. I am not bothered by people who disagree with me, I am not bothered by people who mock me, I am not bothered by much of anything - except that I do hate to see anyone hurt, whether they are BS, OW, MM, MW, children - I hate to see people hurt, and I hate most of all to see people hurt themselves. I feel badly for everyone who loved and was hurt, regardless of whether they were BS, OW, WS, or the children caught in the middle.

[Mimolicious]

My exH's OW gets caught on the same premises as my kids. She goes to jail woomp woomp! Simple as that! ( thank God for court orders)

 

If they are still married and playing house OW has no business being around his kids, even from far. Comes to a point to ask, is there anything that some OW have respect towards??

Why would you want to be in a place where his kids should be the focus?? Does everything have to be about the A? Keep it between your 4 walls, hotels; rests or wherever you guys carry it on. Jeez... there is a limit to everything.