What next

[tojaz]

My sexual frustration came bubbling to the surface a few times over the weekend, but I tried to keep it in check. I did hug her, kiss her on the shoulder etc this weekend a lot, she for the most part took them but was very cold. My next resolve is to stop that behavior (Tojaz, chime in here please). Just to see what reaction she gives.

 

Honesty is the best policy here I think. If you pick up that she is cold to your gestures, let her know, but nicely. You want to respect her space as well as she seems to be doing her best to respect your emotional needs.

 

Good place for a 180, if you kiss her, hug her or something and get the chill, ask her if it makes her uncomfortable and if she would like you to stop. Then stick to it. (You were going to try and do that anyway, might as well get some information in the process).

 

At any rate, it will let you know where you stand at the time and whats going on in her head a little.

 

 

 

I'm just amazed that you could compare Tojaz and I as being even polar oppossities? Let alone alike?

 

Not that I don't agree with a lot of what Tojas says ~ I would dared to think that he has a lot to disagree with what I have to say?

 

Just because of age differences and life experiences?

 

Actually Guns, I agree with a lot of what you say, I just tend to take a different approach. Two different paths leading to the same destination, helping out folks that are going through things similar to what we have gone through in our own lives.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Good advice Tojaz, I will think about using this strategy.

 

Gunny, I of course recognize you and Tojaz have differing opinions and have differing perspectives, but you BOTH give your opinions. You both are obviously strong individuals and have went through some tough times.

 

Tonight we have our next MC session and we both have higher expectations for it. It will be the last for a little while as we have went to 3 consecutive sessions on 3 Mondays. It's a drain financially. We'll likely not book a session at the end of this one.

 

It's been basically 2 months now and I have to admit I am tiring of it all. It wears you down after a while. I am going to be doing some soul searching and trying to determine how much more of this I can take. I won't be making any rash decisions but sooner or later she'll have to figure out what she wants. If it isn't me, then fine let's deal with that.

[wrencn]

I'm excited that you got to sleep in the same bed together! YAY- that's great. Hang in there- and don't get frustrated. If she does come around it will be worth the wait. Good luck in MC- I hope it helps.

[What_Next]

Well we only slept in the same bed for a few hours in the morning, but yes it was a huge step forward. We also lied down together for an hour this morning.

 

I decided to write a quick email about my thoughts. Here it is:

 

First, thanks for listening last night regarding the email I received. It did help.

 

I feel as though I want to tell you how I am feeling. I wanted to do it in email because I feel safe doing it this way. We have made great strides forward in the past few weeks and I am very happy about it. We will continue to make those strides. Yesterday was a very large leap as was this morning. I want to do NOTHING to change that nor impact that.

 

However, I want to say that it has been tough for me to show affection for most of my life due to deep seeded emotional issues, I’ve gotten over them for the most part and I am enjoying showing you affection and caring. It must be hard for you to wrap your head around this. It must be very hard. I understand now how that impacted you. I also am beginning to understand where it came from within me. I grew up in a house where openly showing affection was not allowed. We did not hug each other, we did not pat each other on the back, we did not say I love you to one another. I didn’t think much about it until recently. In fact it was almost as if you could not be happy, you shouldn’t even wish someone a good day, or have a happy birthday.

 

Well that isn’t a way to go through life. What am I trying to say? Well, try and have patience with the process and try and open yourself to it. I know you are trying and I am grateful for that, but continue to work on it. It would also be great to receive affection in return from time to time.

No response is necessary, I just wanted to say this, and NO I did not want to say it our session. This once again is something that I could work on myself and I could find a way to say it to you.

 

I hope your day goes well; I will miss being with you today, but hopefully we can continue to talk throughout the day. If you need anything please let me know. I also hope your hand is feeling a little better.

Edited June 28, 2010 by What_Next

[What_Next]

We've spoken via text and voice today and it has been a very tough day. I let her know how down I was feeling and she basically didn't respond to it. She did say that we should talk about this in MC. Yah sure.

 

I'm about at the end of my rope today. I don't know why today, but I just am. I've so little hope for any progress, including with MC I am not sure I want to go.

 

Patience, ahh patience, I've shown plenty but they are wearing thin.

 

4 more hours to our MC session. Why do I feel like a lamb being lead to the slaughter? Why am I feeling sorry for myself?

 

I am in this position of my own doing. It's high time I do something about it. I'm just not sure what.

[habs53]

Well we only slept in the same bed for a few hours in the morning, but yes it was a huge step forward. We also lied down together for an hour this morning.

 

I decided to write a quick email about my thoughts. Here it is:

 

First, thanks for listening last night regarding the email I received. It did help.

 

I feel as though I want to tell you how I am feeling. I wanted to do it in email because I feel safe doing it this way. We have made great strides forward in the past few weeks and I am very happy about it. We will continue to make those strides. Yesterday was a very large leap as was this morning. I want to do NOTHING to change that nor impact that.

 

However, I want to say that it has been tough for me to show affection for most of my life due to deep seeded emotional issues, I’ve gotten over them for the most part and I am enjoying showing you affection and caring. It must be hard for you to wrap your head around this. It must be very hard. I understand now how that impacted you. I also am beginning to understand where it came from within me. I grew up in a house where openly showing affection was not allowed. We did not hug each other, we did not pat each other on the back, we did not say I love you to one another. I didn’t think much about it until recently. In fact it was almost as if you could not be happy, you shouldn’t even wish someone a good day, or have a happy birthday.

 

Well that isn’t a way to go through life. What am I trying to say? Well, try and have patience with the process and try and open yourself to it. I know you are trying and I am grateful for that, but continue to work on it. It would also be great to receive affection in return from time to time.

No response is necessary, I just wanted to say this, and NO I did not want to say it our session. This once again is something that I could work on myself and I could find a way to say it to you.

 

I hope your day goes well; I will miss being with you today, but hopefully we can continue to talk throughout the day. If you need anything please let me know. I also hope your hand is feeling a little better.

You know, before she left my wife didnt mind me sleeping in the same bed as well. Its really hard to tell what they are thinking.

[wrencn]

We've spoken via text and voice today and it has been a very tough day. I let her know how down I was feeling and she basically didn't respond to it. She did say that we should talk about this in MC. Yah sure.

 

I'm about at the end of my rope today. I don't know why today, but I just am. I've so little hope for any progress, including with MC I am not sure I want to go.

 

Patience, ahh patience, I've shown plenty but they are wearing thin.

 

4 more hours to our MC session. Why do I feel like a lamb being lead to the slaughter? Why am I feeling sorry for myself?

 

I am in this position of my own doing. It's high time I do something about it. I'm just not sure what.

 

Today had been really hard for me too- I blamed it on hormones lol. I hope MC goes better than you anticipate- at least she is willing to go, that is big to me since my husband wouldn't. If it doesn't go well you should get really tough with the 180. Shut down and act nonchalant- go out a bunch, act single... See if she even cares to notice.

[trippi1432]

Today had been really hard for me too- I blamed it on hormones lol. I hope MC goes better than you anticipate- at least she is willing to go, that is big to me since my husband wouldn't. If it doesn't go well you should get really tough with the 180. Shut down and act nonchalant- go out a bunch, act single... See if she even cares to notice.

 

Please be careful here on this aspect of the 180....if you are trying to save it or want to work on it.....this piece of advice can get you divorced really quick. My ex used me doing that as his sign that it was truly over, I was moving on and he really did move on. (He still won't admit if he was already seeing this woman before we split up, but I was replaced in a week!!) Just a word of caution.

[habs53]

Please be careful here on this aspect of the 180....if you are trying to save it or want to work on it.....this piece of advice can get you divorced really quick. My ex used me doing that as his sign that it was truly over, I was moving on and he really did move on. (He still won't admit if he was already seeing this woman before we split up, but I was replaced in a week!!) Just a word of caution.

You know what, thats awsome advise for everyone doing the 180. Becareful. Even in my case, i think it close to the time where i should be slowly inching back in. Start offering drives and things like that. I am definately at the point were if shes not interested it wont kill me.

[trippi1432]

You know what, thats awsome advise for everyone doing the 180. Becareful. Even in my case, i think it close to the time where i should be slowly inching back in. Start offering drives and things like that. I am definately at the point were if shes not interested it wont kill me.

 

That's the ticket Habs...right there. It's about you and your well-being....if it's meant to be, she will come around and work on the relationship too.

 

Jealousy is a green-eyed monster that lurks in us all and never has the solution you might wish it did. But I have seen that advice on these forums since last July here and there and it will not get you the response you are hoping for.

[wrencn]

Didn't mean to give bad advice- my husband did this in 2001 and it worked on me- it took some jealousy for me to open my eyes, but your results may vary- good luck.

[What_Next]

Not necessarily bad advice wrencn. It is great to hear what the LS community has to say. I guess when all is said and done today was a bad day for me. I feel better knowing that I did at least tell her what was going on.

 

We'll see how MC goes. In an hour from now we'll be in our session.

 

I'll report back how it went.

[habs53]

I think a little jealous would be fine. Just dont be seriously involved with someone. Me thinks that would kill any hope.

[trippi1432]

I think a little jealous would be fine. Just dont be seriously involved with someone. Me thinks that would kill any hope.

 

Well, here is just a quick excerpt of how mine went down....

July, 2009 - ex left 9 days after I had a major surgery....used Divorce Busting to get him back home 3 weeks after he moved out.

 

August 31 - September 1st time frame - ex stated the I love you but not in love with you after I think one MC session that he attended...I went to 3.

 

I did total NC for about 2 weeks, then went to LC for our son. Took some of what I learned here and started going out with friends (women). Son thought I was lying and dating men, told his father this. I took advice here and always tried to look upbeat and happy, looked my best....was working on me...losing weight...etc...created that "aura" of mystery....keep him guessing what I was up to. (Granted, did have some weak moments and called him)

 

September 30th - ex wants to try again.....but doesn't want to move back home just yet. Two days later, tells me that he just can't do it. Stated something to the effect that with our time apart (5 weeks) how could we be sure of having been faithful to each other.....(Very hurt by this...this can just throw you off kilter so bad!!!) It's an emotional mind f*ck and sent me reeling into those stupid phone calls of me promising to change and do better with him (with him having all the power because he now cared the least) telling me that I needed to move on as he already had (didn't know this involved an OW).

 

9 days later....he has a new girlfriend....3 weeks later, she throws her husband out and he moves in with her.

 

This isn't to say that this is what everyone experiences...this is just to show you how you can use or misuse the 180 and the NC/LC. Setbacks are a b*tch and can haunt you. Use wisely....it's a very stressful time and you will probably do things you regret...but you ultimately know your spouse the best...so take what works and leave the rest.

[wrencn]

Sounds like he had his mind made up but tried to make you think it was your fault. Something tells me the outcome would have been the same if you hadn't gone out, he would have just thrown something else in your face as justification. What a jerk!

[trippi1432]

Sounds like he had his mind made up but tried to make you think it was your fault. Something tells me the outcome would have been the same if you hadn't gone out, he would have just thrown something else in your face as justification. What a jerk!

 

I agree, you are pretty much right on the fact his mind was made up. On the breakdown of the marriage however, it was both our faults...I own what's mine, but I refuse to own what is his.

[wrencn]

I own what's mine, but I refuse to own what is his.

Well said! I'm going to remember this.

[habs53]

Didn't mean to give bad advice- my husband did this in 2001 and it worked on me- it took some jealousy for me to open my eyes, but your results may vary- good luck.

I dont know your whole story. Did you tell him you never loved him anymore and all the good stuff? Well i have been talking to allot of girls online and im sure my son is telling mom. lol

 

Anyways, i have started the the attemp. I will be driving my son to her place tommorow. I offered. I will not talk to her. Maybe just a wave in my nice new leather coat. lol

[wrencn]

I dont know your whole story. Did you tell him you never loved him anymore and all the good stuff? Well i have been talking to allot of girls online and im sure my son is telling mom. lol

 

Anyways, i have started the the attemp. I will be driving my son to her place tommorow. I offered. I will not talk to her. Maybe just a wave in my nice new leather coat. lol

I told him we got married too young and I married him out of pressure. I was also mad because he said he never went to the field (army) but once I got there he was always gone and I was all alone with a newborn in the middle of nowhere kansas yada yada. We were apart for 8 months but reconciled.

[tojaz]

We've spoken via text and voice today and it has been a very tough day. I let her know how down I was feeling and she basically didn't respond to it. She did say that we should talk about this in MC. Yah sure.

 

I'm about at the end of my rope today. I don't know why today, but I just am. I've so little hope for any progress, including with MC I am not sure I want to go.

 

Patience, ahh patience, I've shown plenty but they are wearing thin.

 

4 more hours to our MC session. Why do I feel like a lamb being lead to the slaughter? Why am I feeling sorry for myself?

 

I am in this position of my own doing. It's high time I do something about it. I'm just not sure what.

 

Right now, your doing what you need to be doing. Relax, it isn't supposed to move fast, and to be honest the fact that it isn't is a pretty good sign that you both are putting some real thought into this. I know it feels like hell and that you pretty much miss your whole life, but your doing fine. Just keep your head in the game or you will wind up defeating yourself.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

What an odd turn of events. We went to MC last night and I think we were both in bad headspaces. I was frustrated due to things moving slower than I would have liked and what I perceived as complete negativity on my wife's part. She was frustrated because she thought I was pushing too hard and likely faking my new found affection.

 

The MC session went relatively well, but nothing really earth shattering. As we dug a little deeper things started to come out. In the end we both realized that I was going too fast and I was asked to stop all affection. Not really easy. That was a turning point of sorts. It ticked me off.

 

Then we discussed my wive's inability to forgive and other issues, that ticked her off.

 

It got worse from there and when we left MC we were both really upset. We argued when we got home in a non-productive way. I eventually left for a cooling off period.

 

When I came back home we both talked in our room, I mean really talked. She actually broke down completely crying. She eventually said what we both already knew. She just does not love me in "that" way anymore. She saw me as a roomate, not a husband.

 

We carried the conversation further and I told her that I would NOT stay as a roomate, it was not something I would do. I said to her a few times that we probably should just seperate. We talked a little about the nuts and bolts of that. The reality is that if we do seperate our finances are such that a personal bankruptcy is likely for each of us to start fresh.

 

She was surprised by my reaction to hearing she does not love me as a husband right now. It did not shake me nor really cause me much pain. I knew that already. Throughout the night we sort of joked about sex for the sake of sex. She also asked me to sleep in our bed again, as a friend.

 

I initially said no I did not want to. When I went to leave she asked me to stay. Well she then turned to me and said "OK, it's just sex but I want it". It happened and it was actually pretty hot..

 

So here we are, we have some decisions to make, whether or not I want to stay and try and rebuild love. Whether or not she wants to stay like things are.

 

We have basically decided MC isn't for us right now, it just isn't working.

 

Also I let her know 2 things. First she was NOT going to lose me as a friend. No way. She sobbed about that. She was afraid she would lose me as a friend. Second, I told her right out and in the open that I still did love her, I still did desire her. That has not changed.

 

So, once again I ask the question what next? I do not know right now. I know we slept in the same bed together for the first time in 2 months. We did have sex, however, it was just that a physical act, nothing more.

[Corporate]

She eventually said what we both already knew. She just does not love me in "that" way anymore. She saw me as a roomate, not a husband.

 

How sure are you that your wife did not or is not having an affair, whether's it's physical or emtoinal or both?

[What_Next]

Corporate how can one ever really really really know for 100% sure? Answer, you cannot.

 

She has said she is not, there is no evidence of it (yes I have closely watched for the signs) and I have to learn to trust her.

[tojaz]

Whats Next is that you need to decide what it is you want and stick to it, and really stick to it, because you cannot let her walk the fence like this! What she is doing right now is playing with your emotions and it WILL do damage if it continues.

 

In other words.... are you ready to give up?

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Whats Next is that you need to decide what it is you want and stick to it, and really stick to it, because you cannot let her walk the fence like this! What she is doing right now is playing with your emotions and it WILL do damage if it continues.

 

I know I cannot. It is hard because she really poured her heart out and told me how she really feels. I have to respect that.

 

In other words.... are you ready to give up?

 

Short answer, I don't know. If I do stay then it will be a tough road and a long process to restore the love. At the end of the day I am not 100% sure that it would work anyway.