Close to having an affair at work - I'm her Boss

[CarrieT]

i will pm you. but im done posting. wish i could delete this thread now.

 

everyone, thanks for most of your comments. helped me put this in perspective.

 

some of you are quite cruel, though. But im sure many of you have every right to be, and for that i apologize for angering you and bringing up such painful emotions.

 

I wish you wouldn't leave us -- as James said, this is very helpful for many people who are in similar situations, but don't have the strength to even post. You are helping more than you know, even if you are feeling a little beat up. And I am sorry for that; but many of us have been the victims of Cheating Partners and we are trying to protect those who are innocent from going through the same pain we experienced.

 

You needn't apologize to us. We can continue to be your sounding board as long as you need. I do sincerely hope you will continue to tell us what you decide to do and why.

[Just a stone's throw]

Bentley, yep there were some pretty tough things said here and they would be hard to take in your situation. Agree with Carrie as to why most say what they say. From the other side, those who have found themselves in similar situations and wound up on the otherside looking back and asking "What happened" and "Why"? You, my friend had the forsight and guts to get on here and tell your story before you got too far along and were not at the point of no return.

 

Sure there will be some strong opinions about what you should and shouldn't do and what you've expressed as your reasonings. The folks here on LS want to see you be a success story, not a failure.

 

No one posted on your thread to see you fall on your face. I do not believe that was one single posters intent. However, should things go bad for you and your decision not be what any of the suggestions here have been, the community on LS will still be here to help you through that too and make some sense of it.

 

PMing is great but you will get one POV. (Not that JT's story isn't right up your alley). But you won't get the OW perspective or the BS perspective or any other.

 

I, for one, hope that you will continue to post as you go through this life-changing event so that others can learn from you. We all teach each other.

 

Good Luck - Bentley!!

[You Go Girl]

Well, seems we have lost the original poster.

However, I still have something to point out that every single one of these affairs starts with--

the belief that the new relationship won't also fizzle to the point of NORMALCY.

Of course, for serial cheaters, I guess they can continue to get their fix, their high.

But this guy isn't a serial cheater, hence why we all chimed in hoping to help him realize that the high WON'T LAST.

Affairs are very different from normal relationships. But have many highs in the beginning--extreme highs--

but affairs are oh so lustful because it is joining up with someone where you both are doing something forbidden, like rebels, Bonnie and Clyde--

and usually end up like B&C too.

[JamesM]

Well, seems we have lost the original poster.

 

He responded about eight hours ago!

 

He added some interesting tidbits about the next meeting.

[JamesM]

i will pm you. but im done posting. wish i could delete this thread now.

 

everyone, thanks for most of your comments. helped me put this in perspective.

 

some of you are quite cruel, though. But im sure many of you have every right to be, and for that i apologize for angering you and bringing up such painful emotions.

 

Ignore the stupid and hurtful comments. Many come from individuals whose partner cheated on them. While I understand their anger and would have it myself, I also can see how in the same situation, I would avoid posting on such threads as this.

 

No one knows the outcome here. We can surmise depending on the path chosen, but in reality we do not know.

 

Bentley, I am guessing that you will at least check your thread. Understand that there are the posts that do not apply and hurt, but also understand that some of us do want to guide and even possibly help you.

 

The future is not yet determined. You have that control.

[norajane]

some of you are quite cruel, though.

 

We're pointing out the REALITY of affairs while you are still obsessed with the fantasy.

 

We may seem cruel to you, but how cruel do you think your wife will think YOU are when she finds out you have given her no choice about what kind of marriage she is in, and have dismissed her well-being just so you can feed your fantasy and carry on with another woman behind her back?

 

You don't think THAT is cruel? You don't think what you are contemplating doing to your wife is cruel?

[confusedinkansas]

Bentley - This is a very difficult place to come to ask for 'guidence'...(even though it was designed as such) People are mean! You'd think that once we all grew up we could maybe have decent grown up "conversations" even in a place like this. But even as adults many act like children on a playground.

 

The one thing as I was reading this thread that popped into my head is that you believe & I think this co-worker also believes your "Affair" will be different than any other one out there. We all thought that & some of us (me included) still think their's were Different than the last guy's! The reality of it is that they are pretty much the same.

Keep in mind while contemplating this that she is single. You can't be sure that a month down the line she may want more from you than just an affair. Think about that...What would you do if that came to be a reality?

 

I hope you figure things out. One way or the other. (Fence sitting SUCKS! - that comes from a professional fence sitter - ME!) Life doesn't end during or after an affair - It just feels like it - Because most of the time they end. Rarely do they continue on to be a fabulous "Happily Ever After" story. Good Luck to you!

[NoIDidn't]

Bentley,

 

Unless you become a supporting member, you likely don't have PM privileges yet.

 

If you think the things said to you here are bad, just wait to hear from your bosses and work colleagues AND your W when they find out what a mess you are making of things.

 

Those friends that you already told? Count them in the "love you, but not in love with the mess you made, and want to distance themselves from it" crowd.

 

These things get ugly. You may as well stay in the frying pan until someone (you and OW) turns down the heat. Otherwise, you are just jumping into the fire. And you know what happens when we play with fire.

[whichwayisup]

Don't leave. Ignore the nasty comments.

 

Many here are just trying to help you open your eyes, to prevent you from making a stupid selfish mistake that one day you'll regret and wish you listened to us. Do you know HOW many previous posters have come here for help, and then just gone and had that affair anyway? Then come back and posted saying they wished they had listened..

 

I am sorry if anything I've said has upset you. I know I can be harsh, but I'm really just trying to make you stop and think.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your her boss, thinking about and even actively manipulating the situation to have an affair with your subrdinate and you ARE married. How can you not look like a scumbag???

 

You set yourself up for that one...

 

I mean your about to open the biggest can of worms anyone has ever seen. And your still actively obsessing about some other piece of tail that's working right under you. If you was single i for one wouldnt be so mad. I mean ethically is a very wrong thing. but y'all two are consenting SINGLE adults fine. But dude your married!!! she's your employee. WTF is wrong with you! you know what your about to loose when or if you go through with what you are thinking?

 

Seriously WTF? There was this guy in new york, head guy of oracle, had a mistress on the west coast and was still married to his wife on the east coast. He lied for 8 years, banging both. The mistress find out he ewas never divorced, she goes for revenge posting huge billboards all over every metropolitan city exposing the affair. Suffice to say it made the front page news. lol.

 

You wanna go that route?

[xxoo]

I feel like my connection with my wife is unique, but that maybe we would both be happier romantically with someone else.

 

<snip>

 

We are close friends, but sometimes I feel like we would make better best friends than spouses.

 

She won't be your best friend if you cheat on her. Divorce, be best friends, and sleep with whoever you want.

 

Yes, I love her, but sometimes (for a long time), I've questioned what exactly this love really is...

 

You are talking about the feeling of love. But love is also a verb. Love your wife--your best friend--by not betraying her in a way that will break her heart and maybe give her diseases. Any person who describes herself (or himself) as a "sex addict" probably has LOTS of indiscriminately chosen partners.

[jerrytodd]

Bentley, yep there were some pretty tough things said here and they would be hard to take in your situation. Agree with Carrie as to why most say what they say. From the other side, those who have found themselves in similar situations and wound up on the otherside looking back and asking "What happened" and "Why"? You, my friend had the forsight and guts to get on here and tell your story before you got too far along and were not at the point of no return.

 

Sure there will be some strong opinions about what you should and shouldn't do and what you've expressed as your reasonings. The folks here on LS want to see you be a success story, not a failure.

 

No one posted on your thread to see you fall on your face. I do not believe that was one single posters intent. However, should things go bad for you and your decision not be what any of the suggestions here have been, the community on LS will still be here to help you through that too and make some sense of it.

 

PMing is great but you will get one POV. (Not that JT's story isn't right up your alley). But you won't get the OW perspective or the BS perspective or any other.

 

I, for one, hope that you will continue to post as you go through this life-changing event so that others can learn from you. We all teach each other.

 

Good Luck - Bentley!!

 

JAST is very correct about the comments and also the ability/desire of a group of people to try to prevent something going terribly and almost irreversably wrong for you and your wife. Yes, its a tough crowd with a tough love message.

 

The only advantage I have is that I lived your future life and dream for three years. There is no handbook for what you want to do and get everything you want from your marriage ending, a life with your AP and your job continuing unabated. I did mention in my previous posts about the need to be a good liar and to pray that it doesnt end badly while she is working for you related to the work and reporting relationship.

 

So to add to my post from last night and since you cant PM for a while here are two further thoughts/clarifications:

 

1. I am encouraged by the idea that you seem to be more concerned about your marriage issues related to the A than the job risks. That's a great start.

 

I would offer the idea that you should put the little dates with your AP on hold for 6-9 months. You may be missing something short term but she should understand that you need time to work out personal and work issues and as good as it has been with her that this is difficult and distracting. If anything she should respect this enormously. If you do have a future with AP you will have shown your character and by doing this, you are worth waiting for. But you need to put legitimate distance between you and that is hard; I realize I couldnt have done it myself.

 

As I thought about this after I posted yesterday I think you really have a lot to salvage in your marriage (not knowing all of the details) if you are completely honest about your lack of interest in the marriage continuing and can talk about it. If there are issues of passion and attraction you need to get those out on the table and I think counselling will help. My own situation was sad in that well after the marriage was done my exW was emotional about our marriage and what I meant to her - way more than during the marriage itself. There are things that we as couples cannot always uncover ourselves. And accept that no marriage is perfect. If you can get humour, fun, kindness, be mostly attracted to her, be proud to be with her, and most of all, you can trust every word she says, hang on to her like crazy. I'm not a councillor but my ex and I set out a list of "this has to change or else" for each of us - non-negotiables. My issue was the lack of passion she had to me. She said she'd never had it for anyone. And we were essentially done as I discovered I needed that. Yours may be simpler to deal with.

 

2. I have zero confidence of a "happy ever after" ending with your AP.

I was bashing your AP in my post and maybe I over-reached in my feelings towards your AP in the same manner as some of the other posters who are using you as a proxy for their ex's who betrayed them. All I can say is the words she is using are exactly like my exAP. I am so wanting to let you know that someone who says she is a SA is both using that to attract you but is also warning you. That is what I finally understood about mine. When she said she'd had multiple partners in a short period of time and used sex to escape I thought "wow this is great for me". But it was a warning that I would eventually be one of the ex's. By the end she could justify the bad ending and infidelity to herself as she had been true to the person she told me she was. I just didnt want to think about it at the time.

 

Bentley, your best, workable solution is to put the A on hold (and really on hold, and it is tough working together when you see the person everyday) and to have a hard, difficult talk with your wife. The tears and frustration that will be shed in that discussion will be 1/1000th of those if you get caught in an affair. And that would apply to each of you and your W. If you sincerely try with your W and it doesnt work out then you can walk away with your integrity intact and pursue this new person. Just watch out for the work landmines at that time!

 

Good luck, and please keep posting and an open mind.

[Hopefullyjaded]

My H cheated on me. Nothing in my life has ever been so painful (and I have been through a lot). You can't un-ring a bell. If you cheat you will ruin a friendship that you might never replace. If you really want another woman divorce your wife first. I promise you she would rather be divorced than cheated on.

[jerrytodd]

I don't think the OP is interested at all in what this might do to his wife. All he's interested in is how to do it and not get caught.

 

Maybe I am grasping at straws but a couple of times Bentley's comment has been about "what this could do to his wife" and twice he said he knew about but didnt seem to care about the risk to his job. As I said it is hopefully a start to considering the marriage impact and (possible) repair.

[PhoenixRise]

I don't think the OP is interested at all in what this might do to his wife. All he's interested in is how to do it and not get caught.

 

 

I think you are right. He has already decided that although he loves his wife and she is his "best friend" he might be missing something profound if he doesn't go for the subordinate, multi engaged, sex addict, with the boyfriend that is not serious.

 

AND just in case this woman who is giving every indication of being a potential psycho actually turns out to be an actual psycho he will keep his wife on the backburner.

 

He doesn't see that the woman who tells her married boss she is a sex addict will be the same woman who drives to his house to throw a brick through his window when things go bad.

[You Go Girl]

He doesn't see that the woman who tells her married boss she is a sex addict will be the same woman who drives to his house to throw a brick through his window when things go bad.

 

Oh this has got to be so true!

Or worse, she will threaten to call his W, or worse, call his W even after the marriage has ended, wanting to rub salt in the wound.

She COULD BE a real predator.

Then again, she could be a little lost girl not yet woman...without a spine, without character, and a real drain someday.

Or--the very remote possibility--that he's run into something very special. The real problem here is--it doesn't matter if it's extremely special--if it's consumated in deceit, it will carry a bad type of--karma?--with it forever.

Somehow, this always proves true.

[fooled once]

I fail to see these 'nasty' comments some have stated are on here

 

People have expressed their views from the point of a betrayed spouse, a former cheater, being an OW and just some people who have never been any of the three.

 

MOST of us see that what he is doing is horrible to his WIFE. Remember her, the one he pledge to love and respect?

 

He is putting HER FUTURE at risk because he is so caught up by the sex addict who works for him.

 

I don't care if he screws her every day and every which way, what concerns me is he is deciding for HIS WIFE how her life is going to be. That is unfair and that is beyond disrespectful.

 

His only concern is being alone with the sex addict. Not his marriage, not his health, not his wife. He has more respect for the sex addict than the woman he married and THAT is sad and THAT shows his true character.

 

OP, you can continue to use every excuse in the book to justify what you are doing...but in the end, what you are doing is horrible to your wife.

 

My advice? Man up and tell your wife you aren't into her anymore. Let her decide HER future; then you can go play fantasy land with the sex addict

[norajane]

I'm convinced that he doesn't need to consider the wife, because he's convinced that he'll never get caught. I think the reason he's so interested in jerrytodd's story is because he wants to learn the mistakes Jerry made, because he thinks he can do it better. I do hope I'm wrong, but seriously, how many people go into affairs thinking they will actually get caught?

 

Too bad he's deluding himself. Between people at work who will soon suspect or catch them going on a lot of lunches, dinners, breaks, trips out of town together, plus glances across the conference table, and the gay mutual friend of OW and wife, sex addict OW with a BOYFRIEND, and the friends he's already told what he's planning on doing, not to mention his own hubris, SOMEONE is going to end up tipping off his wife.

 

On another thread here, I just read that a woman found out her H was cheating on her because he accidentally dialed his wife's cell phone while with his OW, and ended up leaving a freaking message on her phone where she could hear them playing naked games. Watch out for that redial, buddy!

 

And, he's wrong anyway. Carrying on the affair will require deception, misdirection, half-truths, lies, manipulation, and omission of truth. All of that creates distance in the marriage, and is not only disrespectful, but is also crazy-making. His poor wife will try to figure out why the hell things aren't adding up, he'll keep trying to convince her there's nothing going on, and she'll end up thinking she's losing her mind...gaslighting. He'll either pull further and further away from her, or he'll try to overcompensate which will be giving her mixed messages which will make her crazy and suspicious. Or he'll bring home an STD or two or three. Or he'll get OW pregnant, because THAT certainly seems to happen quite a bit. Or he'll end up with a sexual harassment lawsuit against him.

 

Make no mistake, whether his wife finds out or not, he is hurting her. It's just that the hurt is magnified 1000 times when she finds out the full extent of his deception later. But he's hurting her regardless.

[bentley2110]

FWIW, i thought i'd give a quick update, not that all that much has changed. It helps me to put this into words I guess. No telling what kind of response I'll get-

 

The OW and I have been quite busy, and really haven't spent any time together, just work, a couple of lunches. No real movement one way or another. We still trade messages under the table, and still clearly (i think) want to spend more time with one another, just can't seem to find it. I've been travelling, she's been travelling, etc...

 

I have had a couple of talks with my wife. We are not very good communicators. I can't find the right way to bring any of this up with her. She doesn't really want to talk about it either, we both try to find a way to change the topic whenever the quality or future of our marriage is brought up by either one of us. And really, it's only been me that has even mentioned it.

 

We have concluded this, though- We both love each other, but neither of us is all that happy. We blame it on circumstances, jobs, finances, real estate, etc... but it sure feels like more than that to me. Granted, we have done nothing to really work on the marriage, but it's clearly off, and I know she would agree. She's spending quite a bit more time with her work friends, i lose track of her for a couple hours at a time, this has happened more than once now, in fact, right now it's happening. I know you won't believe me, but I know she's keeping something from me. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions, I have no reason to suspect an A on her end, just stating facts.

 

I've been looking into what exactly a divorce would mean, but I am by no means convinced that is the answer. Its clear, though, that unless one of us does something, we are both worried what our lives will be like in 10-20 years.

 

Yes, I have thought about the "spark" that brought us together. Problem is, we were so young, it's hard to count on that, rekindle it. I respect her as a person, she tries very hard to be strong, but I can't shake the feeling that we are just old friends now, and that not much will change that...

 

As far as the job goes, pretty sure no one suspects anything. We're amazingly professional at work, and always have a reason to be together. This risk is really at the bottom of my list right now.

 

I am questioning the motives of the OW, though, why she keeps saying what she says. Maybe she is a predator, but I don't think so. Someone made this comment earlier on this thread, but I think she's more of a scared little girl. I definitely have a desire to help her find out who she is, that is a big part of the attraction for me. She is really amazing in many ways, and troubled in others, and it's hard for me to walk away from wanting to be a part of her figuring it all out.

 

So, to summarize, nothing really is different. I'm still working my way through the fog, no real progress in anything. I am learning about myself, though, I still read threads here, it's helped. At this point, it seems I'm not getting what I want from any of this, the marriage, the OW (not even sure what it is that I want), so it's difficult for me.

 

Maybe I just need to cut all ties and move to the Caribbean and re-define myself, find myself. It's a little early for a mid-life crisis, but maybe that's all it is... Or maybe the OW is perfect for me, and me for her..... Or maybe I need to save my marriage, and make it better than ever with the woman I committed to as a young man...

 

who the f*ck knows. I don't. Maybe I need counseling. I hate counseling, the idea of counseling. I just need to figure it out, but damn, it's hard

[Just a stone's throw]

Bentley,

Nice update. Keep up with the introspection. Something will make sense to you eventually. It's good that you're exploring all options. Keep an open mind. Carribbean sounds awfully nice but you know what, your probelms will catch up to you no matter where you run to. You'll just be able to post on LS while being next to the deep blue ocean!

 

JAST

[JamesM]

Thanks for the update. You never know who you may help.

 

The fact that you have not moved into a PA is encouraging. Having second thoughts is a good thing.

 

Check in with us no matter how this turns out.

[aerogurl87]

Just a thought, but maybe she's so intent on having this affair because if she sleeps with her boss that's pretty much guaranteed job security for the most part. And if it goes south there's always sexual harassment to keep the ball moving financially. Just a thought.

 

Oh and by the way, if she really is a sex addict, all this talk about you being soulmates probably isn't true. My ex was a serial monogamist who claimed every girl he was with was his soul mate till he found the next one to give him his high. You really don't want to be with someone like that long term. So work on yourself and figure out what it is that you want and need. If it's a divorce, then so be it.

[MadMission]

The OW and I have been quite busy, and really haven't spent any time together,just work, a couple of lunches. No real movement one way or another. We still trade messages under the table, and still clearly (i think) want to spend more time with one another, just can't seem to find it. I've been travelling, she's been travelling, etc..

 

Bently,

 

You are still IN the A.

As much as you feel like you are giving your W a fair chance by talking to her about some things, really you are NOT.

As long as you are comparing your W to OW, which, whether you want to admit it or not, you are, then your W doesn't have a chance.

You are looking at your W with A-distorted vision and listening with A-distorted hearing.

 

If you REALLY want to give your W and M a chance, you need to sever ALL contact with OW. Be DONE with her. You need to purge OW from your mind, thoughts, and heart. There is no point in going through the motions of what you think 'trying' with your W looks like. Don't 'talk' to your W as if you are having heart to heart, open, honest communication when you are secretly longing for OW...for more time with her. You don't get to check the box next to "Tried with W; worked on M" until you can be 100% honest in YOUR piece of the communication. And, unless you have told her about OW, you have NOT been honest with her. You are withholding information from her. You are lying by omission. Manipulating the situation...whether you realize it or not. THAT is NOT fair.

 

Whatever you feel you are able to determine about your W/M while you are in an A with OW, cannot be 'counted.' Your findings are skewed. Your observations and assessments slanted. The results inaccurate.

 

I am an advocate for communication, but don't bother if YOU cannot be open and honest. It's a waste of your time and W's time.

 

If you are thinking about MC with your W, don't bother.... if you are still secretly in the A. Don't drag your W through that while failing to mention that you are in an A...even if it's 'just' an EA. You don't get to check the "Tried MC" box if you cannot be open and honest about everything, including OW, during the sessions.

[norajane]

I have had a couple of talks with my wife. We are not very good communicators. I can't find the right way to bring any of this up with her. She doesn't really want to talk about it either, we both try to find a way to change the topic whenever the quality or future of our marriage is brought up by either one of us. And really, it's only been me that has even mentioned it.

 

We have concluded this, though- We both love each other, but neither of us is all that happy. We blame it on circumstances, jobs, finances, real estate, etc... but it sure feels like more than that to me. Granted, we have done nothing to really work on the marriage, but it's clearly off, and I know she would agree.

 

Maybe if you were to tell your wife that you're having an affair, and are thinking this sex-addict with a boyfriend co-worker who is friends with one of your wife's friends could be your next soul mate, your wife might want to discuss your marriage a little bit more.

 

As to how to bring it up, maybe next time you come home and your wife asks how your day was, you can tell her you passed notes under the table to your sex-addict co-worker with a boyfriend, and that you think she might be your next soul mate.

[turnstone]

I only have one piece of advice, simply because I know you won't listen to anything else unless it seems as though they may condone what you're doing or gives you pointers on how to get away with it.

 

Use a condom when you finally do have sex with this 'sex addict' who's had multiple fiancées (so she tells you).