Close to having an affair at work - I'm her Boss

[bentley2110]

:lmao:

 

So you want to explore a relationship with another woman who actually reports to you, another woman who is a self-proclaimed sex addict with self-esteem issues and a track record of broken engagements?

 

Hmmm... that simplifies the whole thing, huh? Never really broke it down like that. I'm usually intelligent, clearly not on this issue.

 

I better have a real good reason if I'm to say yes to the question as you've posed it. Like a life-changing reason

 

But what of regret? What if we both actually need each other, and can be happy together? What if I look back and always wonder what if? This is the only reason I'm still struggling.

[bentley2110]

Really? Doesn't sound like it. If you were more worried about her instead of thinking of yourself, you wouldn't be so deep into this already.

 

Don't believe your own hype! You aren't so noble and compassionate with your "worry" for your wife! You're a cheating bastard and that is pure selfishness with no regard for anyone else. ME FIRST, despite what you might be telling yourself.

 

 

 

Now there's an awesome discussion to have with your wife! Go talk to her right now. Bet it will be so very enlightening to you.

 

Yep, I'm selfish. You've got me figured out already. Thanks a bunch.

 

And actually, it's not too late to stop, which is why i sought out this forum in the first place. I knew I'd catch a lot of flak, but there actually have been some helpful comments so far. Still don't know what I'm going to do...

[bentnotbroken]

Hmmm... that simplifies the whole thing, huh? Never really broke it down like that. I'm usually intelligent, clearly not on this issue.

 

I better have a real good reason if I'm to say yes to the question as you've posed it. Like a life-changing reason

 

But what of regret? What if we both actually need each other, and can be happy together? What if I look back and always wonder what if? This is the only reason I'm still struggling.

 

 

You need water. You need food. You need shelter. You don't need to have sex with a subordinate with addiction issues or who isn't your wife. Call it what it is, you want her.

[norajane]

But what of regret? What if we both actually need each other, and can be happy together? What if I look back and always wonder what if? This is the only reason I'm still struggling.

 

Forks in the road, and all that. There will always be a road not taken. When you married, you committed to THAT road to the exclusion of other roads.

 

If you wish to explore new roads, then you must GET OFF the road you are on with your wife - openly and honestly. You can't have one foot one one path and one foot on another and expect to get anywhere. Besides, with your feet spread like that, that leaves your balls hanging in the wind.

 

And don't forget the 'grass is greener' syndrome. Reality rarely lives up to your fantasy of "what it would be like if we were magically together right now". But you can't get there from here. You can't.

 

You will eventually feel with this woman what you feel now with your wife. It comes from familiarity and allowing distance to grow between you because you take each other for granted and don't put any energy into keeping the spark alive. That will happen with anyone.

[bentley2110]

Hi Bentley,

 

 

Welcome to LS.

 

All I can tell you is... read through this forum and the OTher woman forum in great length - you will see your future. You can try all you want to set boundaries, you will break them - I promise.

 

I am currently separated from my H, in an A with a MM, waiting for him to decide if he wants to leave his W.

 

My prediction is that you have found your crack... you have had a taste, and you want more.... won`t take you long and you will be injecting, stealing from your family, and soon on the street... As are VERY addictive.

 

You have an opportunity now to tell your W. Your crimes are light in comparison to others. THis is a big wake-up call for you. You can tell your W that you have been tempted, but you love her...

 

If you are lucky... the commitment/relationship issues in her past will cause her to end things... HOWEVER.. don`t count on this... As don`t end easily. THe addiction is strong.

 

You came here because you know the answer. There is no one here who will tell you that you can do this, have allot of great sex, and conversation, leave your wife, and live happily ever after with the hot chic who reports directly to you. Whether we are the cheaters, or the betrayed, it never ends without heartache. Many couples are able to renew their love and committment - however, that is after months and years of hard work and deep pain.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks - this is an addiction. I hadn't thought of it that way.

 

I need to control it. But damn, it will be difficult. I look forward to going to work every day because of her. I can't fire her, she's too valuable. PLus I couldn't do that to her.

 

I think if I tell her this, she will understand. We've both gone into it knowing it could end any time and we'll have to live with it. Now I just have to muster up the balls to actually do it

[CarrieT]

You need water. You need food. You need shelter. You don't need to have sex with a subordinate with addiction issues or who isn't your wife. Call it what it is, you want her.

 

Bravo, Bravo.

 

Bentley. It is a Sunday. What are you doing with your wife today? Maybe you should take her out this evening and try and reconnect with her. Remember why you married her. Have some toe-curling sex with your WIFE this evening and think about the day you met her and how it made your heart flitter. Remember your wedding day. Rediscover those things that made you want to marry her.

[norajane]

Yep, I'm selfish. You've got me figured out already. Thanks a bunch.

 

And actually, it's not too late to stop, which is why i sought out this forum in the first place. I knew I'd catch a lot of flak, but there actually have been some helpful comments so far. Still don't know what I'm going to do...

 

 

Sorry, but pretending to yourself that you aren't being selfish and that isn't your first priority simply because you "worry" what your wife will be without you is the height of self-deception. You can deceive yourself all you want, but you're the only one buying into it.

 

Go talk to your wife. Ask her why you two don't have kids yet. Tell her you've been developing a thing for a chick at work and you need to understand where her head is about your marriage because your marriage is in deep trouble right now. Man up.

[CarrieT]

Thanks - this is an addiction. I hadn't thought of it that way.

 

Good! We are getting through to you and that is a start.

 

I need to control it. But damn, it will be difficult. I look forward to going to work every day because of her. I can't fire her, she's too valuable. PLus I couldn't do that to her.

In the short term, probably. But she is not too valuable if she is a distraction and there are so many people out of work that NO ONE else could do her job? She will remain a temptation if you let her continue working with her so removing her from her current position is going to have to happen in some fashion.

 

I think if I tell her this, she will understand. We've both gone into it knowing it could end any time and we'll have to live with it. Now I just have to muster up the balls to actually do it

Get the balls. They are there.

[BB07]

Hmmm... that simplifies the whole thing, huh? Never really broke it down like that. I'm usually intelligent, clearly not on this issue.

 

I better have a real good reason if I'm to say yes to the question as you've posed it. Like a life-changing reason

 

But what of regret? What if we both actually need each other, and can be happy together? What if I look back and always wonder what if? This is the only reason I'm still struggling.

Bentley.....this woman is luring you in with the sex talk. She's being provocative and coy and making herself available to you and you are falling hook line and sinker.

 

In answer to your question.....if you back up and back off, you'll get some perspective, but you don't have any now. You wonder if you will always wonder what if......yes you might but it won't be a burning desire and it won't drive you nuts, it will just be a distant thought, if you back yourself away NOW. The longer you let this go on, the deeper in you will be and the more serious regrets you are going to have. Hadn't you rather live with a little regret than a lot?

I'm afraid that you aren't going to listen to any of this good advice you are getting.

[lilagirl]

My dear Bentley,

 

You don't need to explain "it" and how you feel about her, we KNOW. Soon she will be your soulmate, the only person who has truly understood you.... The only person who allows you to be you. You will feel safe with her, you will share your greatest weaknesses that you thought you couldn't share with anyone.

 

Yes, you are doubting your marriage... Why don't you have kids? that is for you to explore with your w. Its all part of the addiction. The deception that you allow yourself to be caught in.

 

Yep, and your poor wife.... So begins your indecision... If you leave. She will go crazy, she isn't strong without you, she couldn't support herself... Its all the SAME story, of everyone on this board. We have heard it from our MM, and have been thought about in that way.

 

Your story is right out of chapter 2 in the Affair manual. Word for word.

 

Chapters 3 - 10 to be followed.

 

Soon, you will start telling your w everything she isn't, tell her she is weak, blame her for not being a better wife. She will try harder, but it will never be good enough, because you won't be trying, you are gone emotionally. This is chapter 3.

 

This girl is going to be on your driveway, crying, and screaming ... As will your w.

[Fight4Me]

I know right now, your affair (and yes, that's exactly what it is) seems really special and is causing you to question whether you're still in love with your wife, or even if you've ever loved her at all. To be frank, your situation is cookie-cutter infidelity, and is very very predictable.

 

You'll have a DDay and your wife will hear, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," and then the reality of what you've done will come crashing down around you. The OW's heart will be broken because she fell in love with you and she thought you were too, and will be confused because you'll tell her you've decided to work on your marriage. Work will become awkward, and if you don't get fired, you and your wife will realize you can't continue to see the OW everyday. Yada Yada Yada

 

Seriously, I know you really think this is different, that your boredom in your marriage means it's over, that this new woman is "the one" you should have always been with. You really need to understand how typical your thinking is. If you come clean to your wife now (before ILY's are exchanged and the PA goes further), your chance of full reconciliation is very good. You will be able to make your marriage better and stronger than ever. But at the very least, give your wife the opportunity now to move on from you if you decide to continue with the OW. It's the least you could do.

[Cinnamon2000]

The only way you can end this is put it out the in the open, which definitely include telling your wife. Are you going to do that now?

 

If the answer is no, you will end up like all the others who are posting on this side, regretting, ruined lives, etc. It will be interesting to see.

[You Go Girl]

Frankly, the OW sounds like a nut-case. Do you really think you could build a future with someone who claims they are a sex addict? Woah...she is SO NOT grounded in any reality.

Neither are you currently.

 

Listen! If she's the ONE, etc., blah blah...it can wait, can't it? This destiny love isn't going anywhere if there's a shred of truth to it, right? If it's going to fizzle from a lack of an immediate seal the deal fornication, then it was nothing real to begin with....

 

So back off, talk to your wife, and do everything the above poster recommended.

You have nothing to lose, right? How can the truth of it all be losing something?

Oh wait, you do have one thing to lose...the fantasy of it all.

[Iconoclast]

Addicts...you're all the same. Ever been around addicts? I have. You'll destroy yourself and take down everyone around you.

You've just started, it gets so so much worse. But I think you've made a positive step, you've come here. Now LISTEN to what people are telling you.

 

Before going ANY further, explore the forums here, and other places like Marriage Builders and scan for some of the threads (there's literally hundreds), look for the ones titled something like "I'm in Hell". You need to see what you are going to put your wife through. You want to rescue someone, go do some reading, then rescue your wife from the absolutely horrifying experience you are about to give her. And it will be YOUR doing, you will own it, it will be YOUR fault. You could have listened. You could have prevented it.

But you CHOSE not to.

 

That makes you a bad person. Do you want to be a bad person? Do you want to look in the mirror in a year and have to face that every day?

 

Wake the F up. You have a foot in foggy alien affair addict land. It's not too late.

 

End it now. Right now. Save yourself.

 

You have been warned.

[Just a stone's throw]

Bentley, fMOW here. I am very concerned about your situation and strongly agree that you have to end it before it goes any further as the others have stated. This is why I say this:

 

1) many of us have had work affairs. but the fact that she's your subordinate is a really, really scary proposition. I am strongly concerned that she will turn ugly when you tell her you cannot go on any longer.

 

2) when you do end it (and I say when because you know you need to do this and I think you will) you cannot keep a "friendly" relationship with her. It's not fair to her and it will continue to give her mixed messages which will make her angry.

 

She will go to lengths to call you out in your work environment, your home environment and anywhere else that can cause you as much pain as she feels you're causing her.

 

Know it's not just your addiction here, it's hers too. She's a sex addict, self-proclaimed and you're her drug. She'll do what she needs to to get you.

 

You're playing with major fire my friend.

 

I think you have one viable option (and please know this is coming from someone who hasn't confessed to her H) but if you tell your wife now, you will likely have her support and the fallout at your job will be lessened if you have her on your side. Reconnect with her, enter MC and decide if your M is going to work.

 

The second option is to tell the young "lady" that you might have an STD and you don't want to take the risk of passing it on to her.

 

Heck, she's had a lot of partners too, have you thought about that coming into your home?

 

Just my thoughts and I wish you lots of strength and intestinal fortitude in getting through this!

 

JAST

[bentley2110]

Thanks for all the comments.

 

She had a family thing come up as she thought she might and won't be available tonight. I left the next move up to her. Maybe there won't be one... My wife's been gone all day, will be gone for another few hours.

 

Life is hard. I will try to put this in perspective. That's the thing that has made the most sense to me. She is being a little coy and provocative. I'm being a little naive, maybe a little selfish. The fantasy is strong, though...

 

I'll take a step back, not going to enable anything from my end with her. I still don't think I've got an answer that I believe in completely yet, but it's helped reading all of our comments, even the ones I knew I was going to hear.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Addiction? Give me a break. This so-called "sex addict" said that so the little man in your pants would salute. Just because you're bored with your marriage doesn't mean you can think with the wrong head.

 

I agree with bentnotbroken. Tell your wife to find a f*ck buddy as well. She's probably just as bored as you are.

[CarrieT]

I'm being a little naive, maybe a little selfish. The fantasy is strong, though...

You are not being naive -- you KNOW a lot more than you care to admit. And, yes, you are being extremely selfish. And the last part -- the fantasy -- THAT is the crux of all of it, isn't? All of it that is so good and perfect and wonderful is in your head and will NEVER end up that way. You need to focus on that fact.

 

I'll take a step back, not going to enable anything from my end with her. I still don't think I've got an answer that I believe in completely yet, but it's helped reading all of our comments, even the ones I knew I was going to hear.

Take that step back and spend the day reading through this site as other have recommended. Read those threads of people who are struggling as they learn their partners are cheating. Read those threads of people who have been abandoned by cheating partners. And read those threads of people who ended relationships for FANTASIES and realized the horrible, truthful REALITY. It will help you a lot.

[Fight4Me]

Thanks for all the comments.

 

She had a family thing come up as she thought she might and won't be available tonight. I left the next move up to her. Maybe there won't be one... My wife's been gone all day, will be gone for another few hours.

 

You're being unbelievably disrespectful of your wife. You're essentially allowing an amoral third party dictate your wife's future. You won't agree with me, but you have just decided that your next move will be based on the whim of the OW. When your wife finds out, and trust me, she will, she will be humiliated by this fact. Instead of being a man of integrity, you're a pup on a leash. You will realize this, but only after you look back in shame and regret.

 

Life is hard. I will try to put this in perspective. That's the thing that has made the most sense to me. She is being a little coy and provocative. I'm being a little naive, maybe a little selfish. The fantasy is strong, though...

 

I'll take a step back, not going to enable anything from my end with her. I still don't think I've got an answer that I believe in completely yet, but it's helped reading all of our comments, even the ones I knew I was going to hear.

 

Unless we tell you what you want to hear, you're not going to get an answer you believe in completely. At least you recognize it as a fantasy, but it's concerning that you're portraying yourself as someone too weak-minded to man up and put a stop to it. I'm not trying to be insulting, but just being blunt about what I see in your posts.

 

Honestly, I think you're better than this. I believe everyone will have at least one incident in their marriage when they find themselves strongly tempted to cheat. It's how you react to those situations that is important and what defines you. You can turn this thing around by doing something about it, but if you just sit back and allow it to happen, it's going to end badly.... and not in your favor.

 

Please listen to those who have personal experience with this.

[dazzle22]

Given some of your latest comments, there may be a glimmer of hope that we can appeal to your rational brain. :)Rent the movie, 'What the Bleep do we know about anything'. There is a great section that shows with insightful animation exactly what happens neurochemically to the brain 'in love' and it looks just like someone taking a 'hit' of cocaine.

 

What is happening to your brain is not rational. STEP AWAY from these neurochemicals, tell yourself that what you are really craving here is the neurochemical high that makes you feel 'alive again', and that it is not HER, it is the HIGH you crave.

 

You also need to tell yourself that what is happening between the two of you is NOT special or unique , in face it is as old and cliche'd as the hills. It is, in fact, commonplace, and has played out hundreds of times on just this web site alone.

 

She says she is a sex addict (gee, if I had to pick an addict to get involved with, it wouldn't be THAT one, but I digress). Then you say how much you want to help her. Hmm, what is that?....CO DEPENDENCY. She is pulling you in BIG TIME HERE. Do you have trouble in life being a 'fixer' or 'rescuer'?

 

And don't worry about how your wife would fare financially in a divorce. Because, remember the higher paid spouse has to 'even the playing field' for the lower paid one, and will get half, PLUS whatever is needed to keep her in the style to which she has become accustomed...

 

Don't do this. Do what men are supposed to do well: put their EMOTIONS aside, and think with their RATIONAL brain.

[Iconoclast]

Bentley, a few of things to think about. You fantasize about your future with the OW and it seems rosy. Before you proceed, ask yourself, why has she been engaged multiple times but never married? What makes you so special that she'll want to stay with you? Why would she, you'd leave your wife because you're bored and something pretty warms up to you? Maybe she's a predator and you're the new plaything.

 

Sex addict? She probably just told you that so you'll know her legs will part easily for you. But let's assume she is. Sex addicts are broken people, they leave a trail of despair in their wake. Don't believe me, just go read about it. If she IS a sex addict, you won't last long, she won't commit, you'll be chewed up and spit out.

 

Is your wife pretty bright? Does she use the internet? In her despair it's likely she'll turn to the internet to find answers, it's highly probable that she'll make it over to a place like LoveShack or Marriage Builders. Know what, we'll tell her how to kill the affair, we'll advise her to expose the affair to EVERYONE, that's how you kill an affair. Do you want everyone special to you to know that you are a cheater, an adulterer?

We'll get her to lawyer up, we will advise her, help her to destroy you for the needless suffering you have caused. We will give her the techniques to put her in control of the situation. With our help she'll always be a step ahead of you, and you in your affair fog will not even know it's coming.

 

I'm being blunt and tough, because you still have the opportunity to prevent the above. I really don't care about you. I care about your wife, a victim who does not have any idea she is one. Yet.

[jerrytodd]

Bentley, I have been living the exact same situation for three years. Read my posts, I had an affair with a girl who reports directly to me who is exactly like yours, sex x 1000, low self esteem (look for narcissistic personality disorder), interested in me probably because I am her boss and an authority figure.

 

We had planned for a life together, we both separated and then she pulled back, dumped me. And I ended up here.

 

And she is leaving the company in 25 days - thank god.

 

I am going to write a post in June about "what I learned" but in short, if you want her, divorce your wife first. Your work life will be challenged at best over the next little while if you go forward under any circumstances. And your future GF will likely not be there for you as a long term thing when the time comes.

 

It sucks, but leave it as a fantasy.

 

Every dream I had from her ended about four months ago. And there were dozens of warning signs about her as a person and her character. I wished I had known about LS while it was going on.

[stillafool]

Someone answer me this- Why don't we have kids yet? Have we both always suspected it would end sometime?

 

Why haven't you and your wife had kids yet? Surely you have talked about it, why?

[BlueeyedJonesy]

she said she was a sex addict??????? I call major BS.

Look past the fact that shes hott and you want to do her.....is that really someone you would want to leave your W for. There is NO WAY if she really was..she wouldn't come out and say that to you..shes trying to sound cool or something and playing the troubled bad girl..and you are being a fool falling for all of this horse ****. You've been married 5 years? Go to counseling...take baby steps and if it doesn't seem to work then divorce! how hard is it? you have nothing to lose. Please don't screw up your life.

[whichwayisup]

It feels nice when someone else "looks" at you and "wants you", someone other than your spouse gets your attention. It's an ego feed and makes you feel good..But what you're doing is extremely selfish and if things continue, YOU have ALOT to lose. Your wife, your job, the respect of your collegues, employees, higher ups, and your reputation. Let alone dealing with the office gossip of being 'that guy who cheats on his wife with a pretty young thing at work'..

 

You know this wrong and reeks of trouble. DON'T DO IT. Tell this girl to go home to her boyfriend, apologize for allowing things to cross the line and that you are in the wrong to let 'it' happen. Then go home to your wife and focus on her.

 

Life at home has gotten routine and boring. You've detached from your wife, allowed "life" to get in the way, lost that passion for her. Obviously you loved her alot at some point, yes? So, why not focus on reconnecting with her, woo her! Bring her flowers, take her out to dinner, get romantic again and capture that passion and heat again!

 

Or, be honest with your wife, tell her you don't love her anymore and think you've fallen inlove with someone else. That you're willing to take that chance of losing everything for a shot at things with the OW. As long as you're willing and OK to be alone if things blow up and you lose out.

 

Have you had thoughts of leaving your wife, divorcing her, before this OW got your attention? I do wonder how much of this just has to do with your bordem and what you are missing inside of you.

 

Just keep in mind, your wife doesn't deserve you cheating on her. That's intentional and cruel, one of the worst things you can do to her, worse than divorcing is cheating on her, lying to her and living a double life behind her back.

 

The choice is yours. Remember that. Noone is forcing you to do this. Not your wife, not the OW. YOU.