Go with your gut?

[Woman In Blue]

Confused Lady, it honestly just sounds like he wasn't interested in you enough or attracted to you enough to want to continue the affair. You were never a priority and he made it loud and clear that you were only sex - nothing else.

 

That's NOT to say that he's not looking for some kind of emotional involvement somewhere else. He just didn't want it with you. I'm not trying to be mean - I'm just being realistic.

 

He's made it blatantly clear that he's simply no longer interested in you - not as an affair partner, not as a lover, and not as "friends." He's moved on.

 

I don't get why you're refusing to accept what is so painfully clear to everyone else who has read your posts.

 

Bow out gracefully, ok?

[Confused Lady]

Emotional involvement? He told me ALL the problems he had in his marriage and then some. Why did he bother then if it was just about the sex? Why did he go from kissing and hugging me all the time to not doing it at all? (Claiming it was "too personal" BEFORE I told him about my feelings for him) And AFTER I told him my feelings, he still came after me for sex. After the third time of sex, he wanted to end it then but he still came looking for it. Yes, I will "bow out gracefully". I just want to vent and get different opinions.

[2sunny]

Emotional involvement? He told me ALL the problems he had in his marriage and then some. Why did he bother then if it was just about the sex? Why did he go from kissing and hugging me all the time to not doing it at all? (Claiming it was "too personal" BEFORE I told him about my feelings for him) And AFTER I told him my feelings, he still came after me for sex. After the third time of sex, he wanted to end it then but he still came looking for it. Yes, I will "bow out gracefully". I just want to vent and get different opinions.

 

why did he? he started short changing you because he could. he obviously found someone who he was MORE interested in.

 

you need to accept this situation for what it is - a MM who used you for a while and has moved on now.

 

you need to move forward as well, that will not include the xMM - focus on either fixing YOUR M or end it.

[one of billions]

This guy is a married serial cheater. He has lied to you about ending the affair citing guilt, but pursuing other women afterwards. He has proven that his only interest in you is sex and nothing more. It doesn’t matter whether he is boinking your friend or not, just be glad you aren’t with this loser anymore. What in the world can be attractive about a serial cheater?

[whichwayisup]

He's a serial cheater, a serial liar, a serial jerk. Those people don't have feelings.

 

Can we say Narcissist? Those types are very good at manipulating and pretending and putting on a good show. If he can turn it off quickly and act like no big deal or ignore you completely, chances are higher that he is infact a Narcissist. Those types cut people out of their lives and don't look back. Once they feel they won't get what they want out of you or the situation, they take off.. Read up on Narcissism. And do yourself a favour, don't try to figure him out, as you'll drive yourself NUTS!

[Confused Lady]

Narcissist? Wow, I never looked at it that way before but you're probably right. He never admitted to his first affair until he was caught (like most men I assume) His wife never knew about me, although she does have her suspicions with this new OW. I wanted to warn him about his wife's suspicions and warn the new OW about him but then I thought: Why bother? Let them all figure it out on their own.

[FryFish]

I won't tell his wife anything (somehow I don't think she cares anyway) I'm just still pissed.

lol...

 

A cheater is pissed that a serial cheater cheated on her...

 

You are pissed and I am amused.

[White Flower]

lol...

 

A cheater is pissed that a serial cheater cheated on her...

 

You are pissed and I am amused.

You are amused because you assume that he was up front with the fact that he was serial. So happy you've never been lied to before.

[TaraMaiden]

You are amused because you assume that he was up front with the fact that he was serial. So happy you've never been lied to before.

 

Ok... something should have clanged her alarm bells, wouldn't you say....?

 

Yes, I knew going in it was only for sex.......... Yes, I am married and so is he...........He told me about his previous affair and I'll admit that I wanted him. .............. Then I saw his affair dating site post and got pissed. .......... Do I have solid proof? No, just a gut feeling. Yes, she is married too. .

 

I mean really, don't you see how ridiculous the whole scenario is....?

It's almost farcical.....

[jj33]

Confused its part of the deal. When I broke up with xMM I had to face the fact that there was a strong possibility he would take up with someone else, possibly someone I knew and I might find out about it.

 

It hasnt happened yet or if it has I havent heard about it and neither have any of my spies (I want to know if i need to prepare myself for anything I might see or hear).

 

Its been long enough now that I would just want not to register a reaction on my face. I dont have a good poker face.

 

But beyond that, much as it hurts its just a part of the deal. Its what serial adulterers do. We all want to be special.

 

But you have to find a place in you where you can remember what was special about your relationship.

 

THere must be people in your past that you knew before you were married, that you still remember fondly. No you didnt end up together, you both ended up with others, but when you look back you know you shared something special.

 

My best advice is to look deep within yourself and find that in what you shared with this man. It didnt last forever but what you had was good while it lasted.

[bestplayer]

You are amused because you assume that he was up front with the fact that he was serial. So happy you've never been lied to before.

 

amused because a cheater is cheating

[bestplayer]

Confused its part of the deal. When I broke up with xMM I had to face the fact that there was a strong possibility he would take up with someone else, possibly someone I knew and I might find out about it.

 

It hasnt happened yet or if it has I havent heard about it and neither have any of my spies (I want to know if i need to prepare myself for anything I might see or hear).

 

Its been long enough now that I would just want not to register a reaction on my face. I dont have a good poker face.

 

But beyond that, much as it hurts its just a part of the deal. Its what serial adulterers do. We all want to be special.

 

But you have to find a place in you where you can remember what was special about your relationship.

 

THere must be people in your past that you knew before you were married, that you still remember fondly. No you didnt end up together, you both ended up with others, but when you look back you know you shared something special.

 

My best advice is to look deep within yourself and find that in what you shared with this man. It didnt last forever but what you had was good while it lasted.

 

she shared bed with him

[White Flower]

amused because a cheater is cheating

Yes but there are so many cheaters who only cheat once and suffer over it, we see that over in infidelity all the time. Therefore it is silly to assume all cheaters are serial cheaters.

[fooled once]

Of course I'm sick of the drama! I'm just pissed that he lied to me and I want a place to come and vent. Whenever I called or texted him, he either never called or text me back or waited a few days to call. BUT whenever the new OW called or texted, he got back to her right away. I'm not saying what I did was right (I know it wasn't) I just wanted some advice on my gut feelings and how to get over being hurt for others who have been there. My marriage is a whole different story that I don't feel like getting into right now.

 

how do you know this? Are you just making an assumption?

 

Emotional involvement? He told me ALL the problems he had in his marriage and then some. Why did he bother then if it was just about the sex? Why did he go from kissing and hugging me all the time to not doing it at all? (Claiming it was "too personal" BEFORE I told him about my feelings for him) And AFTER I told him my feelings, he still came after me for sex. After the third time of sex, he wanted to end it then but he still came looking for it. Yes, I will "bow out gracefully". I just want to vent and get different opinions.

 

This is classic MM - he told you to get sympathy. He told you to keep you hooked. He told you to make himself look better and his wife look like a b*tch.

 

And not to be snarky....but maybe the sex just wasn't doing it for him? Maybe you just don't turn him on? I don't say that to be mean....but maybe you were just a 'drive by' until he could find something better?

 

You are angry he chose someone else to be his bed buddy. That is understandable. But you never told your 'friend' (and how much of a friend was she? obviously not someone who knows your secrets... so were you just work friends, did you hang out, talk on the phone a lot, text, etc?) that you had the hots for him so why are you pissed she is flirting with him? It wasn't as if she KNEW he had done him and wanted to keep doing him.

 

And I agree with FA -- you were snooping on his computer, found something that he could have created a year ago, 6 months ago, a month ago and so you went and created your own profile to snoop on him. You aren't married to him, you don't have a committed relationship with him - you were a f*ck buddy - nothing more, nothing less (to him). What HE chooses to do, since he was not in a relationship with you, is his business.

 

Just be glad you are done with him and are NOT in a relationship with him. I feel sorry for his wife because she has no idea what a scum bag she is married to -- someone who seeks sex out from wherever he can find it. I bet even IF his wife was doing him twice a day he would still be doing what he is doing. I do not believe lack of sex is the main reason people cheat. I think it is lack of integrity and character. But that is just MY view.

[jj33]

she shared bed with him

 

? of course she did. But serial players play. Its what they do. It sucks when its over and they are playing with others but thats the way the game is played.

[FryFish]

You are amused because you assume that he was up front with the fact that he was serial.

Him being a player has nothing to do with my amusement. My amusement is entirely to do with the hypocrisy of a cheater feeling cheated by another cheater... Its just like: duh...

 

So happy you've never been lied to before

If that were true I doubt I would be here.

[White Flower]

Him being a player has nothing to do with my amusement. My amusement is entirely to do with the hypocrisy of a cheater feeling cheated by another cheater... Its just like: duh...

 

If that were true I doubt I would be here.

So your being duped is somehow more superior than my being duped. I see.

 

I doesn't matter what package the liar comes in, nobody is assured from being duped.

[OWoman]

Can we say Narcissist? Those types are very good at manipulating and pretending and putting on a good show. If he can turn it off quickly and act like no big deal or ignore you completely, chances are higher that he is infact a Narcissist. Those types cut people out of their lives and don't look back. Once they feel they won't get what they want out of you or the situation, they take off.. Read up on Narcissism. And do yourself a favour, don't try to figure him out, as you'll drive yourself NUTS!

 

What, exactly, about this guy's behaviour qualifies him as a narcissist? The fact that he was totally honest and upfront about the nature of the A? The fact that he'd had other As previously (I've seen no evidence here that he lied about those, or tried to hide those from the OP)? The fact that he wasn't that into the OP, and dumped her? Or the fact that he tried to let her down gently while doing so - pretending it was because of his own issues, and not because she was unexciting in bed / getting too clingy / neurotic and self-obsessed / however else he may have read her behaviour? The fact that he moved on to another fbuddy, instead of mourning the death of a R that existed entirely within the confines of the OP's head???

 

Of course it's going to suit the OP to see him as the big baddy - after all, he got tired of her and dumped her, even though it was HER that broke the agreement (that the A be about sex only). The OP is hardly likely to take responsibility for her own role in that, given the picture she's painted in the rest of this thread and its twin on the infidelity board. She's the innocent party, after all - all agency, responsibility and blame must vest with the MM because, well, just because!

 

I think if there are any accusations of narcissism to toss around in this thread, they'd more appropriately be tossed at the party who ISN'T being totally honest and upfront, the one who DIDN'T stick to the terms of the agreement, the one who tried to MANIPULATE the situation to her own end, when things didn't work out the way she's hoped.... the one who is so completely trapped within the confines of her own wants and whims that she can't see outside of that... I'm not saying the OP is narcissistic - I think those labels are tossed out far too quickly - but I think the behaviour demonstrated here on this thread makes it far more likely that the label applies more accurately to her than to the MM - whose only "crime" [against the OP - not against the BW or anyone else] was to get tired of a woman who broke the rules of their A by becoming clingy and to dump her for someone more suitable.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, good post.

Really, it is.

 

The OP has always been the one with the problem here. She's the one posting....

Not the MM.

he doesn't give a phlyingphukk what happens to her.

He's done. Moving on. Having fun his way.

 

Given that his MO looks very obvious now, the OP's options are to (a) move on, (b) get over it, © suck it up, or (d) deal with it.

 

All the same huh?

 

Yup, you got it......

[Confused Lady]

JJ33, thank you for your support. I need to just put it behind me and move on and be thankful we didn't get caught and had fun while it lasted. I knew he had an affair previously (he also had some one nights stands AFTER they were married....) I guess I did hope I would be "special".

 

Fooled Once, I can't get into the WHOLE story here, but yes, trust me when I say he calls her back quickly. As far as the sex not doing it for him: no, I know it wasn't that because he told me he loved having sex with me and that we clicked physically. If anything, I think he got scared about my feelings and me catching him in lies. I knew my friend had a crush on him and I "hinted" to her something may have gone on between us. That's it. His account on the affair dating site was new. I had previously looked on his computer and it was never there. It was only after he claimed he had "guilt" that he registered and after I called him on it, the next day he deleted his account. I do talk to his wife and I think she knows she married a scumbag. They hardly even talk. Again, I can't get into all the details here.

[bestplayer]

Yes but there are so many cheaters who only cheat once and suffer over it, we see that over in infidelity all the time. Therefore it is silly to assume all cheaters are serial cheaters.

 

can i ask u when someone can cheat on their married partners what would stop them from cheating on their AP if they find something is missing in the affair or fall in love with some one new ?

[Confused Lady]

I can only speak for myself: This was my first (and last!) affair. Obviously something is missing in my M. ExAP IS a serial cheater. NO DOUBT in my mind now.

[OWoman]

can i ask u when someone can cheat on their married partners what would stop them from cheating on their AP if they find something is missing in the affair or fall in love with some one new ?

 

The skills they've gained and the realisations they've come to through counselling, communication and commitment;

The memory of the experience of "cheating" - the stress and hardship, the suffering, the double life;

Their partner keeping good relating skills on the table at all times;

Their determination not to mess up on the Love of Their Lives

[JustJoe]

I'm surprised at you, Owoman. That actually sounded humble and quite emotional.:D

[FryFish]

So your being duped is somehow more superior than my being duped. I see.

Ya... pretty much. I was not cheating on anyone with a person I KNEW was a cheater. From my perspective I was in a real relationship...

 

I doesn't matter what package the liar comes in, nobody is assured from being duped.

But that is not the point. The point is that in this case nobody was actually duped. Everyone(the cheaters involved anyways) got what they signed on for and now one of the cheaters is acting like they didnt see it coming for some reason... Suppose you and I were standing next to a glowing red hot stove top and I deliberately reached out and put my hand on it... Your first thought would not be "oh poor baby... that is such a mean glowing stove top for burning you"... No, your first thought would be "serves you right you dumb****"...