Go with your gut?

[White Flower]

He isn't her boyfriend and she isn't his girlfriend. It's affair partners who are filling in certain needs. Each are married and to say boyfriend creates the idea that they are committed or have the intention to be committed to one another.

 

I see you are right:confused:...

 

It was strictly for sex. (He had had a previous affair too) I started to get emotionally attached to him and he told me he didn't feel the same.

I guess I missed that part.

Different behaviour, now yes..But at the beginning? Not much. She (OP) knew just like her current friend that the MM has had OW. And, at the begining of her affair with MM she didn't have feelings for him..Though now she does..

OK, in that case I can see she wasn't lied to in the beginning like I was so I suppose I can feel 'less' sorry only in that she knew his past history, but probably not all of it. I still feel sorry in that she developed feelings and that he kept allowing it to go on and off knowing full well her feelings were involved. Yet, this is her fault too. (Sorry Confused Lady).

[White Flower]

I dont see any reason why she wants revenge , when op doesn't have any proof about her friend & MM . Besides that as op said MM doesn't want anything other than physical relationship with her , what does it matter if mm has more OWs too ? why everybody on this thread including op condemning MM & op's friend for no reason when op isn't doing any different than them ?

op r u really feeling for sorry for MM's wife when u have no problem continuing physical relation with her husband ? & how come u never feel sorry for ur husband ?

 

Apparently there are lot of issues with this MM , I will suggest u to find some other mm .

My guess is that she feels doubly hurt. But like I said, the revenge won't be sweet and won't really do anyone any good. It might even backfire on her.

 

Confused Lady, have you considered that if you do tell that those hurt in the revelation could turn around and tell your H everything?

[jj33]

Your ego is hurt and that is natural. You cared for him and your feelings were not reciprocated in the way that you had hoped they would be. Then you find out he is at least flirting with your friend? Not a good feeling.

 

As the others have said, run like the wind. Oh and avoid your friend who is involved with him too. Not because she is wrong (unless of course she knew about your feelings for him) but because you dont need to put yourself through that. You dont need to sit and listen to her go on about him when your feelings are bruised.

 

Hang in there it sucks but you will get over him in time.

[Confused Lady]

Yes, I knew going in it was only for sex. We've been attracted to each other ever since we met. Yes, I am married and so is he. I'm friends with his wife (not really I guess since I was sleeping with her husband.) He told me about his previous affair and I'll admit that I wanted him. I didn't WANT my emotions to get involved, it just happened. He was so hot and cold through the whole thing: yes, no, yes, no. When he stopped it, I agreed it was for the best and we ended it. Then I saw his affair dating site post and got pissed. If he had just told me the truth ( I want an affair, I just don't want one with you in case we get caught my wife knows you) it would have been much easier to take. But no, he lied about it. Now he's sleeping with my "friend". Do I have solid proof? No, just a gut feeling. Yes, she is married too. I didn't show up at his house, I went to his work to ask if he wanted to go to lunch and she was there. And yes, I thought about my husband finding out too. It wouldn't be good at all.

Edited March 29, 2010 by Confused Lady
Left some things out

[xxoo]

If he had just told me the truth ( I want an affair, I just don't want one with you in case we get caught my wife knows you) it would have been much easier to take. But no, he lied about it. .

 

Are you really shocked that he lied? If he is a serial cheater, he is well practiced in and comfy with lying.

 

You knew he was lying to his wife. Why would he be more honest with you?

 

I am truly sorry you are hurting. This guy is bad news for you.

[whichwayisup]

Drama! Such drama.

 

End it and get counselling. Either fix your marriage or end it. To live like this must be so draining, plus having to pretend at home like all is fine.

 

Have you thought about telling your H the truth?

 

Somehow this dynamic in your life has to stop. Aren't you tired of it?

[Fallen Angel]

Yes, I knew going in it was only for sex. We've been attracted to each other ever since we met. Yes, I am married and so is he. I'm friends with his wife (not really I guess since I was sleeping with her husband.) He told me about his previous affair and I'll admit that I wanted him. I didn't WANT my emotions to get involved, it just happened. He was so hot and cold through the whole thing: yes, no, yes, no. When he stopped it, I agreed it was for the best and we ended it. Then I saw his affair dating site post and got pissed. If he had just told me the truth ( I want an affair, I just don't want one with you in case we get caught my wife knows you) it would have been much easier to take. But no, he lied about it. Now he's sleeping with my "friend". Do I have solid proof? No, just a gut feeling. Yes, she is married too. I didn't show up at his house, I went to his work to ask if he wanted to go to lunch and she was there. And yes, I thought about my husband finding out too. It wouldn't be good at all.

 

You were on an affair dating site, too. Otherwise you would not have seen his post.

 

Why is it okay for you to move on, but it is not okay for him to do the same? Because he told you he did not want the affair anymore?

 

He is entitled to end the affair at anytime, the same as you were free to do. He just beat you to the punch, stopping it when he saw that you were becoming emotionally involved.

 

If you had started the affair with the agreement that it was a "friends with benefits" relationship, and you fell in love, then while he may be the one that ended it, you were the one who broke the rules to which you both agreed.

 

You have thought about "telling his wife" because you are angry, I wonder how you would feel if he decided to out you to your husband?

 

Personally, I think you should get into some counseling to decide what you want. It seems to me, you only really want him because he is the "forbidden fruit" anyway. (You seem to have been okay with the affair ending until you found out he was still available, just not to you. That to me doesn't sound like love.) But, that is just my opinion.

[White Flower]

Yes, I knew going in it was only for sex. We've been attracted to each other ever since we met. Yes, I am married and so is he. I'm friends with his wife (not really I guess since I was sleeping with her husband.) He told me about his previous affair and I'll admit that I wanted him. I didn't WANT my emotions to get involved, it just happened. He was so hot and cold through the whole thing: yes, no, yes, no. When he stopped it, I agreed it was for the best and we ended it. Then I saw his affair dating site post and got pissed. If he had just told me the truth ( I want an affair, I just don't want one with you in case we get caught my wife knows you) it would have been much easier to take. But no, he lied about it. Now he's sleeping with my "friend". Do I have solid proof? No, just a gut feeling. Yes, she is married too. I didn't show up at his house, I went to his work to ask if he wanted to go to lunch and she was there. And yes, I thought about my husband finding out too. It wouldn't be good at all.

The thing is that we women fall in love all the time. We tell ourselves we won't but we do. Happens every time. Unless your'e OWoman:p (just kidding).

 

I remember not admitting to my guy that I was in love before it turned PA. I kept telling myself that I would get over it, see him for who he is, and move on. Well THAT never happened.

 

And I knew it was pointless to hold him to any promises because he hadn't made any nor had he even professed his love for me. So, one day (I think we slept together 2 times by then) I told him that as much fun as we were having I would have to break it off. He said we needed to have a heart-to-heart talk and could we meet next week. That is when he redefined our R, said he loved me, and it just grew from there.

 

He knew I was in it for love at that point and whether he was pulling my leg then or not he has acted like a man in love every step of the way. I wish this had happened for you but it didn't and you'll have to accept it, hard as it is. At least your guy was honest and got out (even though he would get back in with someone else). I'm sure he just didn't want to lie to you just to keep the A going. There is some dignity in that.

[Fallen Angel]

The thing is that we women fall in love all the time. We tell ourselves we won't but we do. Happens every time. Unless your'e OWoman:p (just kidding).

 

LOL.. even OWoman was not immune, I think Lizzie would be a better example!

[White Flower]

LOL.. even OWoman was not immune, I think Lizzie would be a better example!

True! Hugs to Lizzie:)

[TaraMaiden]

I see you are right:confused:...

 

 

I guess I missed that part.

 

OK, in that case I can see she wasn't lied to in the beginning like I was so I suppose I can feel 'less' sorry only in that she knew his past history, but probably not all of it. I still feel sorry in that she developed feelings and that he kept allowing it to go on and off knowing full well her feelings were involved. Yet, this is her fault too. (Sorry Confused Lady).

 

(*psssst!* It pays to actually read a post before firing shots across the bows of those who already have!

Thanks! )

[JustJoe]

Confused, LEAVE it alone .Boy, here's another post filled with drama. No wonder the BS'S get enraged. No honesty at all here, just anger and jealousy. Confused, There really isn't any reason that you should tell his W about any of this, or the OOW anything either, because you've no intention of telling Your own H, either, and if one talks, all will talk. If you truly wanted to do everyone involved a favor, TELL everybody, everything. Open it all to the light of day, and let the chips fall where they may. That would end ALL of the affairs, give ALL of the BS's the truth, and force ALL of the WS's to evaluate their own lives. Won't happen, but it's interesting to think about.BTW, you people have very strange ideas about friendship, too.

Edited March 29, 2010 by JustJoe

[pureinheart]

Hi all.....here is my story:

 

I had an affair with a friend that lasted over a year. (We're both married) It was always hot and cold, one minute he wanted it the next day he didn't. It was strictly for sex. (He had had a previous affair too) I started to get emotionally attached to him and he told me he didn't feel the same. We tried to end it numerous times, only to go back to the sex. We eventually did end it, but then I found out he had an account on the AM site. (So obviously he still wanted an affair.) He ended up deleting it because I called him on it.

 

Fast forward to today: We have a mutual friend that has hinted to me in the past how cute he is and how she'd love to sleep with him. I went to visit him one day at work for lunch and she was there. It was obvious she didn't want me there. (They were alone) The tension was so thick, you could've cut it with a knife. My gut told me that something was going on between them. (She denies it as does he) What do you think? Should I listen to my gut?

 

I had this happen to me with exDM....OMG, now I feel so stupid...it would have been one thing if he wasn't M'ed...but what right did I have to get pissed if he was seeing yet another?????

 

I am soooo embarrassed as this was my friend at work, she mainly saw MM, and I'm not sure if it was by choice or what because she did see single guys too and is seeing a single guy now...but anyway I yelled at him and told her to be careful as he is a scammer....I felt very foolish afterwards.

 

Yep, he's seeing her....

Edited March 29, 2010 by pureinheart

[bestplayer]

Yes, I knew going in it was only for sex. We've been attracted to each other ever since we met. Yes, I am married and so is he. I'm friends with his wife (not really I guess since I was sleeping with her husband.) He told me about his previous affair and I'll admit that I wanted him. I didn't WANT my emotions to get involved, it just happened. He was so hot and cold through the whole thing: yes, no, yes, no. When he stopped it, I agreed it was for the best and we ended it. Then I saw his affair dating site post and got pissed. If he had just told me the truth ( I want an affair, I just don't want one with you in case we get caught my wife knows you) it would have been much easier to take. But no, he lied about it. Now he's sleeping with my "friend". Do I have solid proof? No, just a gut feeling. Yes, she is married too. I didn't show up at his house, I went to his work to ask if he wanted to go to lunch and she was there. And yes, I thought about my husband finding out too. It wouldn't be good at all.

 

why can't u find someother mm ?

[pureinheart]

Confused, LEAVE it alone .Boy, here's another post filled with drama. No wonder the BS'S get enraged. No honesty at all here, just anger and jealousy. Confused, There really isn't any reason that you should tell his W about any of this, or the OOW anything either, because you've no intention of telling Your own H, either, and if one talks, all will talk. If you truly wanted to do everyone involved a favor, TELL everybody, everything. Open it all to the light of day, and let the chips fall where they may. That would end ALL of the affairs, give ALL of the BS's the truth, and force ALL of the WS's to evaluate their own lives. Won't happen, but it's interesting to think about.BTW, you people have very strange ideas about friendship, too.

 

JustJoe is right....too many people involved here...man something like this could cause a war....easier said than done...walk away as fast as you can...one foot in front of the other....whenever you get the desire to tell/see him/talk to him treat it as withdrawl and call a friend/post whatever it takes to detox.

[Confused Lady]

XXOO, No, I'm not shocked he lied to his wife. I knew he lied to her before (about his other affair)

Fallen Angel, I was on the affair dating site because I was on his computer one day and saw it there. I then made up a false profile and sure enough there was his.

I didn't want to end the affair. I wanted it to continue because I like having him. It felt "safe" Weird, I know.

I won't tell his wife anything (somehow I don't think she cares anyway) I'm just still pissed.

[pyroguy]

XXOO, No, I'm not shocked he lied to his wife. I knew he lied to her before (about his other affair)

Fallen Angel, I was on the affair dating site because I was on his computer one day and saw it there. I then made up a false profile and sure enough there was his.

I didn't want to end the affair. I wanted it to continue because I like having him. It felt "safe" Weird, I know.

I won't tell his wife anything (somehow I don't think she cares anyway) I'm just still pissed.

 

 

I find it strange that you haven't mentioned your husband yet. You seem to be able to cheat like it's going to the bathroom-chilling.

 

Actually, nobody has really mentioned that she has cheated on her husband. Forget about all these other people. I know we're all so liberal these days about cheating, but the man deserves to be with a woman who wants him, like the OP wanted her AP, no?

[whichwayisup]

Pyro, I've mentioned it afew times, but it hasn't been acknowledged..

 

I didn't want to end the affair. I wanted it to continue because I like having him. It felt "safe" Weird, I know.

 

It isn't weird, it's selfish.

[Confused Lady]

Of course I'm sick of the drama! I'm just pissed that he lied to me and I want a place to come and vent. Whenever I called or texted him, he either never called or text me back or waited a few days to call. BUT whenever the new OW called or texted, he got back to her right away. I'm not saying what I did was right (I know it wasn't) I just wanted some advice on my gut feelings and how to get over being hurt for others who have been there. My marriage is a whole different story that I don't feel like getting into right now.

[whichwayisup]

OK.. Well as FA said earlier (pretty sure it was FallenAngel) your MM changed his mind and doesn't want to continue on with you. As much as that hurts, you have no choice now but to accept that. It's his right to change his mind. And he has.. He's handled it badly by ignoring you and doesn't want to deal with you on that emotional level, it's easier for him to be a jerk, treat you like crap than just tell you point blank, it's over, please leave me alone.

 

Go NC and focus on grieving and letting go of your MM. Let yourself start the healing process and keep telling yourself you do NOT care what he does, thinks, feels, or says. If you want the drama rollercoaster ride to stop, you have to stop it and not worry about what he does, or what his new OW does either.

 

Listen to your gut, look at his actions and how he's been acting.

[Fallen Angel]

XXOO, No, I'm not shocked he lied to his wife. I knew he lied to her before (about his other affair)

Fallen Angel, I was on the affair dating site because I was on his computer one day and saw it there. I then made up a false profile and sure enough there was his.

I didn't want to end the affair. I wanted it to continue because I like having him. It felt "safe" Weird, I know.

I won't tell his wife anything (somehow I don't think she cares anyway) I'm just still pissed.

 

This to me is a huge red flag. it says to me that you have some bigger issues than just this affair that you should deal with in counseling. (And behaviour like that pushes you closer to "bunny boiler" than you want to be.) You need to quit this obsession before it becomes worse.

[Fallen Angel]

 

 

I find it strange that you haven't mentioned your husband yet. You seem to be able to cheat like it's going to the bathroom-chilling.

 

Actually, nobody has really mentioned that she has cheated on her husband. Forget about all these other people. I know we're all so liberal these days about cheating, but the man deserves to be with a woman who wants him, like the OP wanted her AP, no?

 

Many of us have addressed the issue. The OP chooses to ignore it as MM is her obsession. Her husband obviously is not a priority for her.

[Owl]

Many of us have addressed the issue. The OP chooses to ignore it as MM is her obsession. Her husband obviously is not a priority for her.

 

Excellent observation.

 

But perhaps if she CHANGED her focus to where it needs to be...either fixing or ending her marriage...it would get her attention OFF of MM, and have the added benefit of addressing the REAL issues she needs to deal with and off of those that really don't have any value to her.

 

I get that she probably doesn't want to talk about her marriage...but in reality, focusing on that is probably the best thing for her.

 

Fixing it or ending it...

[Confused Lady]

JThorne, him ignoring and answers my calls/texts late (never emails) was the norm throughout our A, not because he has new "booty" on the side. Obsessed? I don't know about that one. I don't think of him every waking minute. I guess I am giving him more credit than he's worth. I even told him we could still be friends! Is that even possible?

[whichwayisup]

I even told him we could still be friends! Is that even possible?

 

Why? Why would you want to be friend with him? List 10 reasons, all positive and healthy that could benefit you two being friends.

 

Come on. I think deep down you know there's no way a friendship can actually happen, let alone for you to put your feelings aside for him.

 

Let him go. He isn't yours and the A is over. If you hang onto him, YOU will continue to be hurt.. And yes, you are giving him much more credit than he's worth.