Do all women eventually start resenting their husbands?

[crazycatlady]

Right, it's the thought that counts. As I understand it now, women want to know that a man is thinking of her because love is having ones thoughts consumed by the other. Following a routine of chores isn't a loving gesture.

 

 

 

CrazyCatLady, how can you tell when you've been too nice?

 

_________________

 

First thing about the thought that counts...its not about chores, if my H were to do a chore especially without my asking I would worry first because he never does chores and second be thrilled beyond belief. Its just, when you give to much the person receiving will start to take you for granted, and I think being taken for granted on either end is the worse thing that can happen to a marriage.

 

How can I tell I'm being too nice? I stop hearing "thankyou" from my H, I start feeling put upon, I'll feel more tired, a little down. Giving too much, and suddenly its not a good give and take that is mutual, but one that is one sided. It becomes very easy to get into the habit of one givine and one taking. I've learned to notice the early signals that is happening, and start taking time for myself. Its key I think to help keep from falling into the everyone else first trap. To be healthy you must assure your own needs are met first before you can give to others.

 

CCL

[giotto]

First thing about the thought that counts...its not about chores, if my H were to do a chore especially without my asking I would worry first because he never does chores

 

CCL

 

your husband never does chores? I'm really seriously starting to think I married the wrong woman...

[crazycatlady]

your husband never does chores? I'm really seriously starting to think I married the wrong woman...

 

 

LOL. Yeah well I'm a horrible house keeper. He won't protest because I might ask him to start helping - which he knows is going to happen when I go back to work fulltime, and he's helping out some now that I volunteer to get job experience for next year. The volunteering is geared towards being able to get a job next year. So right now we are going through some growing pains and the house is suffering. But no, for at least 7 years my H never did chores, never cooked, I handle all finances, most house hold maitence jobs, minor repairs, outside work, heck I even pack his bags for him when he goes out of town.

 

CCL

[threebyfate]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t225384/

 

I highly recommend people read this thread, in reference to how resentment builds.

[giotto]

LOL. Yeah well I'm a horrible house keeper. He won't protest because I might ask him to start helping - which he knows is going to happen when I go back to work fulltime, and he's helping out some now that I volunteer to get job experience for next year. The volunteering is geared towards being able to get a job next year. So right now we are going through some growing pains and the house is suffering. But no, for at least 7 years my H never did chores, never cooked, I handle all finances, most house hold maitence jobs, minor repairs, outside work, heck I even pack his bags for him when he goes out of town.

 

CCL

 

I definitely married the wrong woman...

[spriggig]

First thing about the thought that counts...its not about chores, if my H were to do a chore especially without my asking I would worry first because he never does chores and second be thrilled beyond belief. Its just, when you give to much the person receiving will start to take you for granted, and I think being taken for granted on either end is the worse thing that can happen to a marriage.

 

How can I tell I'm being too nice? I stop hearing "thankyou" from my H, I start feeling put upon, I'll feel more tired, a little down. Giving too much, and suddenly its not a good give and take that is mutual, but one that is one sided. It becomes very easy to get into the habit of one givine and one taking. I've learned to notice the early signals that is happening, and start taking time for myself. Its key I think to help keep from falling into the everyone else first trap. To be healthy you must assure your own needs are met first before you can give to others.

 

CCL

 

OK, I'll say it like this, "For example, following a routine set of chores isn't a loving gesture." And it's not, but many men including myself think (thought) it is--in the same way that some men see bringing home a steady paycheck as all the love she should need.

 

To a woman, anything can be seen as a loving gesture, but only if it's apparent that there was a specific thought of the woman behind the specific gesture. ROUTINE gestures such as doing chores are not seen as thoughtful and therefore are not given much weight in the "he loves me more" department.

 

I like the simple to spot "I stop hearing thank you..." Seems like a useful tell-tale.

[alphamale]

Is this inevitable and is there any way for a man to prevent this?

yes its mostly inevitable and its hard to prevent. but i would say more that in marriage both parties start to resent each other.

 

familiarity breeds contempt

[Luv2dance]

OK, I'll say it like this, "For example, following a routine set of chores isn't a loving gesture." And it's not, but many men including myself think (thought) it is--in the same way that some men see bringing home a steady paycheck as all the love she should need.

 

To a woman, anything can be seen as a loving gesture, but only if it's apparent that there was a specific thought of the woman behind the specific gesture. ROUTINE gestures such as doing chores are not seen as thoughtful and therefore are not given much weight in the "he loves me more" department.

 

I like the simple to spot "I stop hearing thank you..." Seems like a useful tell-tale.

 

Very interesting post Spriggig! This just made a small light bulb go off in my very clouded brain, lol. MH commented one time that he felt like the woman b/c he did more of the chores than I did. Now at the time all that did was piss me off b/c IMO chores are not just the woman's work and he lives here too!! He is very helpful, runs the dishwasher, does the laundry and all the yard work so I don't complain or ask him to do much else. However, for a short time he was always cleaning up the kitchen after we ate dinner and now I realize this was an "extra" thing he was doing for me. I guess I did thank him in the beginning, but prob stopped so he no longer does this regularly.

[crazycatlady]

OK, I'll say it like this, "For example, following a routine set of chores isn't a loving gesture." And it's not, but many men including myself think (thought) it is--in the same way that some men see bringing home a steady paycheck as all the love she should need.

 

To a woman, anything can be seen as a loving gesture, but only if it's apparent that there was a specific thought of the woman behind the specific gesture. ROUTINE gestures such as doing chores are not seen as thoughtful and therefore are not given much weight in the "he loves me more" department.

 

I like the simple to spot "I stop hearing thank you..." Seems like a useful tell-tale.

 

I bolded that part because that was key in a fight we had 7 or so years into the marriage. He felt that his bringing the steady paycheck and providing for us as his love gesture. And I didn't see that, and so when I was bitter he wasn't thanking me for things I did for him, he was bitter because I didn't appreciate the paycheck he was providing for us. Once we had our talk, very similar to his, it greatly helped us. And infact, the whole paycheck issue was part of his crisis last year, because providing one long term was way up in the air most of last year and it left him really struggling to cope. Because it was his main way to show his love for me in a practical sense, which matters more to men.

 

Its funny, when I feel like the thankyous have stopped, simply getting away for an afternoon, and leaving them all to fend for themselves now and then tends to bring it back. My giving becomes more enjoyable, because I've gotten a break, spent time either alone or with some girl friends, and they learned that yes mommy/wife does make life easier for us all and we should appreciate her. It seems weird that the solution to be appreciated is to sometimes be selfish, but then, you can't meet others' needs until your own needs are met.

 

CCL

[fooled once]

Nearly every marriage I have seen eventually has resulted in a situation where the woman resents the hell out of a man for whatever reason and he has no clue why. When I hang out with marriaed couples who have been together a while the contempt and resentment for the most part is so thick you can cut it with a knife. There are other women who hide better but the undercurrent is still there.

 

Is this inevitable and is there any way for a man to prevent this? This is why many men are so afraid of commitment. They don't want it to devolve into this.

 

I have been married almost 12 years and I can honestly, without a doubt, say I have NEVER once resented my husband.

 

We are a blended family and have had our share of ups and downs, but I have never resented him, I have never regretted marrying him and I look forward to spending our golden years together (we are empty nesters now!)