Do all women eventually start resenting their husbands?

[ADF]

If a woman resents her husband, you can bet dollars to donuts there's a reason. Women aren't some strange human subspecies who resent people at random. If the husband is aware his wife resents him, but is clueless as to why, that says a lot about him. Clearly, he's just not that interested in what his wife thinks. That could be a clue.

[threebyfate]

If a woman resents her husband, you can bet dollars to donuts there's a reason. Women aren't some strange human subspecies who resent people at random. If the husband is aware his wife resents him, but is clueless as to why, that says a lot about him. Clearly, he's just not that interested in what his wife thinks. That could be a clue.

Yes and no, which is why applying broad brush stroke generalizations, never work.

 

She also might not be a good communicator, as well as being a doormat.

 

Most often, when resentment builds, it takes two to build it. The more crap people put up with, during the dating stages, the more resentment will build, during the marriage.

 

Best to set your boundaries during the dating stages and be willing to back those boundaries with action. This means, walking away from someone who doesn't hear, can't speak up or resolve.

[spriggig]

If a woman resents her husband, it means she has stopped being attracted to him, which means he has stopped behaving like a man. It's pretty simple.

 

A man must always be in the driver's seat. The minute any man cedes control in a marriage, he is cooked.

 

Don't let anyone feed you that "relationships are an equal give and take" horse crap. Women want their men to be MEN. Period.

 

Agreed, in most hetro relationships control needs to be 51/49 in the man's favor.

[OldEurope]

No they don't, and it is not an inevitable situation. A friend of mine's husband died recently. They had an excellent marriage and were very happy together.

 

If you met that friend of mine, you would probably instantly dislike eachother. She's an extremely tough and professionally successful woman. She would probably fit the criteria you and many other men on this board apply to women in order to dismiss them as hateful, ball-breaking bitches.

 

However, regardless of all that there is absolutely no doubt that she and her husband loved eachother very much. They had a long and successful marriage, and they never took eachother for granted. It was a pleasure to spend time with both of them, because there was always such warmth and affection between them. She's as lost without him, right now, as he would have been without her.

 

I can't imagine how one person manages to encounter as many utterly awful, heartless, rude, spitting, man-hating harpies as you seem to, when going about your daily business. You must just be supremely unlucky in that respect.

 

Thank you for this. One of the few fresh breaths of air around this joint.

 

I too have known very good marriages. I've seen men (and women) utterly heartbroken at the loss of a spouse. I've seen or heard about "playboys" from social groups or friendships who became totally devoted and faithful to their adored one and only. I've seen men and women dedicate themselves to the love of their life with a philosophical belief that life can and should and could and will be wonderful--whatever comes one's way.

 

I believe it all comes down to: emotional maturity, a well-developed personal sense of self (so one does not "resent" the other not paying 24/7 attention or some stupid thing), having a genuine appreciation for the opposite sex, and having self confidence (standing your ground when need be, feeling attractive and worth loving). And of course, personal grooming and high character.

 

I think people are resigned because the cultural atmosphere today is one of such dreary, idiotic cynicism, it is difficult for some not to feel a "gloom and doom" shadow over everything. I think people need to be a universe unto themselves in a way, not so easily influenced...

 

OE

[xxoo]

Agreed, in most hetro relationships control needs to be 51/49 in the man's favor.

 

You are probably right about this 51% of the time (give or take)

[xxoo]

I believe it all comes down to: emotional maturity, a well-developed personal sense of self (so one does not "resent" the other not paying 24/7 attention or some stupid thing), having a genuine appreciation for the opposite sex, and having self confidence (standing your ground when need be, feeling attractive and worth loving).

 

I agree. I got married young, and used to feel resentful over things are just not an issue now that we are older. A lot of it was emotional immaturity, and the rest was learning to communicate well together.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I believe it all comes down to: emotional maturity, a well-developed personal sense of self (so one does not "resent" the other not paying 24/7 attention or some stupid thing), having a genuine appreciation for the opposite sex, and having self confidence (standing your ground when need be, feeling attractive and worth loving). And of course, personal grooming and high character.

 

I think people are resigned because the cultural atmosphere today is one of such dreary, idiotic cynicism, it is difficult for some not to feel a "gloom and doom" shadow over everything. I think people need to be a universe unto themselves in a way, not so easily influenced...

 

All very well said...

[OldEurope]

If a woman resents her husband, it means she has stopped being attracted to him, which means he has stopped behaving like a man. It's pretty simple.

 

A man must always be in the driver's seat. The minute any man cedes control in a marriage, he is cooked.

 

Don't let anyone feed you that "relationships are an equal give and take" horse crap. Women want their men to be MEN. Period.

 

As thoroughly modern une femme as I am, I agree with this on many levels.

 

"Man" in this case does not mean that he is some terrorizing bully in front of the football match as some here might immediately think, but strong, slightly arrogant, proud, well-groomed, ambitious--simply aware that he is masculine.

 

I have found that when a man gets too "weak" --either out of utter confusion over what women expect or from playing the house-pet to a shrew for too long, he does lose his spirit, his manliness in the true sense of the word. To these men I always say--retreat, recover your confidence, do not be pushed around, by wives, mothers, in-laws, kids, dogs..no one.

 

I always have believed that a man and a woman should make each other their number one priority--yes, before kids and family as well. Kids are fine as long as they feel a warm nest and have a mental-emotional structure to guide them. But the NUMBER ONE thing is to keep the sexual attraction peaked and peaking. How? By a man staying true to his masculinity and a woman to her femininity. Nature made these differences to bring out the best in each other. And it seems "we" are doing everything to drain both concepts of their power and meaning...

 

*sigh*

 

OE

[White Flower]

Nearly every marriage I have seen eventually has resulted in a situation where the woman resents the hell out of a man for whatever reason and he has no clue why. When I hang out with marriaed couples who have been together a while the contempt and resentment for the most part is so thick you can cut it with a knife. There are other women who hide better but the undercurrent is still there.

 

Is this inevitable and is there any way for a man to prevent this? This is why many men are so afraid of commitment. They don't want it to devolve into this.

Woggle, I love you for asking this question! You can be so pensive sometimes!

 

I agree with you that this happens a lot. I think the best way to prevent this is to make your wife feel (and I strongly focus on feel) that she is number one and the most important thing in your life. If you love anyone, you love her more, if you laugh with anyone laugh with her more, if you love the beach love her more.

 

It used to hurt me so much when my exH would laugh his arse off with his family but barely chuckle when he was with me. Or he would get so excited when he saw the lake but when I walked into the room his eyes did not sparkle. It may sound silly, but if he had said, 'wow, look at those blue eyes' when he saw me I wouldn't have felt the knife in my heart when he said, 'wow, look at that blue water'. But someone or something was always more important to him than I was, or at least I felt that way.

 

Let your wife KNOW she is the apple of your eye and this won't happen to you. Resentment builds for a reason. Don't feed it.

[ADF]

Yes and no, which is why applying broad brush stroke generalizations, never work.

 

She also might not be a good communicator, as well as being a doormat.

 

Most often, when resentment builds, it takes two to build it. The more crap people put up with, during the dating stages, the more resentment will build, during the marriage.

 

Best to set your boundaries during the dating stages and be willing to back those boundaries with action. This means, walking away from someone who doesn't hear, can't speak up or resolve.

 

I didn't apply any broad, brush-stroke generalizations. Sigh.

 

Can we come to some kind of understanding that when people make a statement, they are speaking generally, rather then categorically? Or should everyone add, YES, I KNOW THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS!!! to every single post? Too many threads get bogged down as people split hairs and point out every minor, piddling exception to everything other posters say. It's really aggravating.

 

That said, studies have been done on the sources of resentment among married couples. The number source of dispute: money. Number two: sharing of household chores, including child care. As you say, every situation is a little different. But if I felt my wife resented me, I'd start by looking at those two areas.

[Luv2dance]

Woggle, I love you for asking this question! You can be so pensive sometimes!

 

I agree with you that this happens a lot. I think the best way to prevent this is to make your wife feel (and I strongly focus on feel) that she is number one and the most important thing in your life. If you love anyone, you love her more, if you laugh with anyone laugh with her more, if you love the beach love her more.

 

It used to hurt me so much when my exH would laugh his arse off with his family but barely chuckle when he was with me. Or he would get so excited when he saw the lake but when I walked into the room his eyes did not sparkle. It may sound silly, but if he had said, 'wow, look at those blue eyes' when he saw me I wouldn't have felt the knife in my heart when he said, 'wow, look at that blue water'. But someone or something was always more important to him than I was, or at least I felt that way.

 

Let your wife KNOW she is the apple of your eye and this won't happen to you. Resentment builds for a reason. Don't feed it.

 

Very true and I think once this type of resentment builds it is hard to undo.

[sally4sara]

Agreed, in most hetro relationships control needs to be 51/49 in the man's favor.

 

Well hey there Giles. How's life been since Buffy ended?

 

If you can give me a legitimate reason for why there needs to be an uneven distribution of control in a healthy relationship, for that man or the woman, I'll start a letter writing club to try to get Buffy re-continued. Whatdaya say?

[White Flower]

Well hey there Giles. How's life been since Buffy ended?

 

If you can give me a legitimate reason for why there needs to be an uneven distribution of control in a healthy relationship, for that man or the woman, I'll start a letter writing club to try to get Buffy re-continued. Whatdaya say?

I'll second the motion. Sounds so like my ex.

[threebyfate]

I didn't apply any broad, brush-stroke generalizations. Sigh.

 

Can we come to some kind of understanding that when people make a statement, they are speaking generally, rather then categorically? Or should everyone add, YES, I KNOW THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS!!! to every single post? Too many threads get bogged down as people split hairs and point out every minor, piddling exception to everything other posters say. It's really aggravating.

 

That said, studies have been done on the sources of resentment among married couples. The number source of dispute: money. Number two: sharing of household chores, including child care. As you say, every situation is a little different. But if I felt my wife resented me, I'd start by looking at those two areas.

Umm...no need to get huffy about it. From what I've seen of couples who can't make things work, it's been a combination of a woman expecting the man to read her mind but not being direct or clearly communicating her needs, as well as the man, needing his ears plugged back into his brain.

 

It's rare that it's one-sided, which makes me wonder WTF people are thinking, when they marry the people they do. Being tolerant and liberal is good, as long as you're basically a very laid-back person. But many people fear loss too much, hence pretend to be laid back aka cool chick/cool guy, and tolerate all kinds of stupidity.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I didn't apply any broad, brush-stroke generalizations. Sigh.

 

Can we come to some kind of understanding that when people make a statement, they are speaking generally, rather then categorically? Or should everyone add, YES, I KNOW THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS!!! to every single post? Too many threads get bogged down as people split hairs and point out every minor, piddling exception to everything other posters say. It's really aggravating.

 

That said, studies have been done on the sources of resentment among married couples. The number source of dispute: money. Number two: sharing of household chores, including child care. As you say, every situation is a little different. But if I felt my wife resented me, I'd start by looking at those two areas.

 

about women loving to confuse posts and jump on males, thus proving the point!!! And I am misogynistic and do get upset and huffy about these generalizations..... Guess what the sources of grief are usually brought up by women and volleyed at the male..... Men not earning enough money (again sexist) and not doing their share of household chores and child-rearing..... That leads to the third source, which is not enough sex.... Usually the women witholding from the men, because they resent them based on the first two issues that they consider that the man is not pulling his weight.....

 

Of course these are all generalizations, based on the man earning more and being a lazy pig around the house and then demanding sex....

 

Of course I now expect 2sure to make an appearance and remind us about her crappy marriage (that I feel terrible about)....

[Taramere]

I think people are resigned because the cultural atmosphere today is one of such dreary, idiotic cynicism, it is difficult for some not to feel a "gloom and doom" shadow over everything. I think people need to be a universe unto themselves in a way, not so easily influenced...

 

OE

 

You've made an excellent point, OE. Sometimes it's just a case of misery enjoying like-minded company, I think. At times, though, it seems associated with a bit of power hunger. Lower other people's morale and dampen their spirits in an effort to make them more malleable.

[crazycatlady]

Ok now its getting somewhere interesting and not just Woggle whining about women today.

 

I think there is something to be said about men being men and women being women. Not necessarily the old stereotypes, and definately not about one having more control then the other. But I don't think equality is always best. And I think people need to be aware of what type of partner they need to be with.

 

I knew from early dating that I did not like gentle giving kind men. Jeff from the sound of it would drive me bonkers. I am a take charge type of person. I will push you around and boss you around and resent you for letting me do it. I want someone who will argue with me. I love arguing. I will admit when I'm wrong, but I'll crow when I'm right and I want someone who is like that. I need it. I dated a few guys that I treated like dirt because they let me get away with it. And yeah no respect for them.

 

So in dating I learned early on the type of man I needed. But I have a friend of mine who would resent having someone like my H because of her personality. Both partners need to know themselves before getting into a LTR and know what brings out their better side.

 

So I don't think its a once size fit all that men need to be more manly and the same for women. But rather, people need to really get to know themselves, and what type of partner is important to them to be the best they can be before getting into a LTR. Some compromise is possible, but not a lot.

 

CCL

[burning 4 revenge]

I think that every man encounters this but most say nothing about it. Just look at this board and look at the threads from women in the infidelity and OM/OW section. It is enough to make a man want to never commit to a woman ever again. Your friend sounds like a good woman but she is the exception to the rule. For every woman like her there are 500 women like the two women I work who brag about their affairs.

No youre right this time

 

I dont think women hate men in general, but more often than not wives hate their husbands

 

The only exception is if the husband is obviously better than his wife in some way. If he has some advantage she would have a hard time replacing without him....i.e youth relative to her, huge dong, much better looking than her...then she adores him, but all things being equal she usually hates him.

Edited March 16, 2010 by burning 4 revenge

[xxoo]

I dont think women hate men in general, but more often than not wives hate their husbands

 

The only exception is if the husband is obviously better than his wife in some way. If he has some advantage she would have a hard time replacing without him....i.e youth relative to her, huge dong, much better looking than her...then she adores him, but all things being equal she usually hates him.

 

Who are these miserable people you know?

 

I adore (feeling) my partner largely because he adores (action) me. I can't be the only woman who simply loves being treated well. That is the quality I'd have a hard time replacing. I could meet guys that are wealthier, better looking, younger, "bigger"....but I'd have a difficult time finding someone who accepted me so completely and treated me with such care

 

But, I also agree with what CCL is saying about compatibility. As fantastic as I think my partner is, I realize some of my friends would HATE him as a husband. And the same is true for me--dh thinks I'm a dream wife, but I'd be another man's nightmare.

[burning 4 revenge]

Who are these miserable people you know?

Every woman I look at with her empty gaze and serpentine smile

[xxoo]

Every woman I look at with her empty gaze and serpentine smile

 

Lizard people?

 

lol

[EnigmasMuse]

Every woman I look at with her empty gaze and serpentine smile

 

 

For some reason you must attract or give off a vibe that attracts those type of women.

[Samantha0905]

Men are pretty simple. While not every man, 90% are pretty low maintenance and just want to come home to a happy spouse, who will listen to them complain about crap at work. They will assist around the home and do things they don't particularly like if it is asked for in a kind way, they don't feel they are treated in a condescending way and treated like a child.

 

Oh yea, also keep care of yourself and give them sex on a regular basis and they usually melt like puppydogs..... Note this and the first paragraph goes both ways.

 

 

That's my life. Yuck. Major yuck. So they do what it is they think they are supposed to do and then are serviced and are happy? Why is it I'm supposed to be happy someone comes home and does what they consider yet another duty and then wants to have sex and all is well? I'm a person. Not a fit and sexy service station.

 

They work, they complain, they get sex and they will do what they have to do so we don't nag? Yuck, yuck and yuck. Yuck. LOL I will keep typing yuck endlessly if I don't stop. Yuck.

 

I want someone to hug me and ask me how I'm doing and mean it. I want to care how they are doing and not feel they just want me to shut up and service them after they do their honey do list.

 

 

 

Many women however have a shorter fuse and build resentment quicker and are easily bothered by little annoyances that accrue over time.

 

It has been stated before and is appropo "Men marry the woman they desire, women marry the men they want them to be", or something to that affect. When they don't become that man, or reach that goal, well so builds the resentment....

 

How's that for stereotyping....

Pretty good.mm:D Edited March 16, 2010 by Samantha0905

[Woggle]

How is that yuck? If women were as easy to please as men are I would love it. You do for him and he does for you. Why is this a bad thing?

[giotto]

How is that yuck? If women were as easy to please as men are I would love it. You do for him and he does for you. Why is this a bad thing?

 

because that's mechanical... and it has to be spontaneous... geddit?