Are Paternity Tests Insulting?

[donnamaybe]

Would you ever care to ask why donna, why he may want the test or do you simply act on what you think, what you assume this is all about and forever take things from there?

 

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No reason to have to "assume" anything.

 

I'm pregnant. He thinks the baby might be some other guy's.

 

What's to assume? That I may have accidently slipped and fallen naked on an engorged penis?

[Peter Attis]

Normally, when someone is seeking out a new message board, they have an issue they want to deal with.

 

Now you're just making stuff up because you know you're wrong. People go on a discussion board to--wait for it--DISCUSS stuff, and sometimes that stuff has nothing to do with an issue they themselves have.

 

People go to message boards for different reasons. Shocking, huh?

[Jersey Shortie]

"I would like you to test our child to check that he's mine."

"Of course darling."

"So many women cheat on their husbands. You just can't be too careful."

"I understand, darling."

"For all I know, you might be getting f*cked senseless by the postman on a daily basis."

"I've mentioned before that I have no problem with you kitting the entire house out with CCTV and bugging devices so that you can satisfy yourself that the postman and I aren't copulating."

"Like I should care whether you have a problem with it? If I think CCTV and bugging the house is merited, I will do it. Understood?"

"Of course darling."

"I'm a reasonable man."

"Absolutely darling. Very reasonable."

"If I'm willing to negotiate you should be the same way. You want to be treated like an adult...behave like an adult. That's the bottom line."

"It is, darling. It's the bottom line. I agree."

"So I don't want to hear any more of your whining and bitching about this paternity test. It's going to happen, and that's that."

That was hysterical.

[Green]

Are Paternty Tests Insulting? Well from the very limited amount of women who responded on this thread the asnwer is a resounding yes.

 

For me personaly I think having a policy to test any child I have is a good one. First off when I told my gf that I had this policy I was shocked by how outraged she was. I talked to my family about this and they didn't put me in place and said it seemed like a fine thing. She told me that her family said i was an A-hole to have such a policy.

 

In the end me and my gf love eachother, either of us could choose to break up but we want to make it work. I told her that I see why she would find it insulting, I've also given up on trying to rationalize it or make her see it my way. Its good enough for me that we are still togather and she knows what I plan on doing. I also said that I would just do it with out telling her.

 

Really we have both just decided to stop talking about it. I don't know if she will bring this back up, I don't plan on talking about it anymore. Its good enough for me that I clearly said my policy and that we are still togather.

 

She doesn't live under my microscope. Heck I don't even know her number for work, if she says she is at work I just believe her. If I need to call her, I call her on her cell because I have that saved in my phone plus I know it by heart.

 

Are paternity tests insulting? Yes, they can be very insulting especialy if you are unwilling to accept why they are insulting. Really though I will still go through and test any kid I have.

 

I am pretty seriouse about my current gf, she really is the kind of woman I could see myself one day marrying. If we were married or even unmarried and she got pregnant I would not bring back up the topic of paternity testing. I realize that if I test the paternity of the child after I am married or after I have signed court papers saying I am the father I would still be legaly responsible even if it turned out I wasn't the biological father.

 

The thing is it would just make me feel better to know for sure. You know calm my fears of what I know happens to other people just like me. Also the fact that she knows what kind of guy I am makes her less likely to be a woman who would do this, because a woman who would do this might as well date a guy who isn't like me and just blindly trusts the world is good.

 

The fact is its been quite a few days since I posted this thread, and I'm still with my gf, still having sex, and I'm actualy invited to spend the next few days with her and her family doing some really fun stuff. She actualy told her family about my policy yet here I am still dating her and being invited to spend a few days having a good time. My point is this didn't destroy my relationship.

 

Does that mean my policy is a good idea? Not necesarily, if you truely don't care if a kid is biologicaly yours or not don't get it tested. I personaly don't know any one who wouldn't care about a thing like that. There is a big difference between choosing to adopt or become a step parrent... and being made to think you got a woman pregnant when you in fact didn't. A very big difference.

 

In my mind other then ego there is no harm in doing the test. I don't want to harm my gf's ego so I'm not going to bring this up any more. If I had carried on arguing about it as long as it has gone on in this thread... I WOULD BE DEAD... litteraly.

 

I have never in all the time I have dated my gf snooped through her phone, her emails.... or anything at all. The closest thing I did to snooping was read over her Facebook wall. The one thing I did do when we first started dating was ask her to get tested for STD's. Its interesting that getting tested for STD's was one of the insulting things getting a paternity test was compared to. And in fact when I had my IRL arguement about paternity tests she did says something along the lines of "if you do that then get an STD test to"...

 

My point is when I first started dating her and I asked her to get tested for STD's it was for protections, and my great gf went and did that for me. And now that we are both having sex and in a relationship, I would be fine getting tested for STD's if she needed for piece of mind even though we have been going out for a long time now.

 

I never meant to insult her by talking about paternity tests but I did. We have moved past it and haven't thought about it since before I made this thread. Lifes to short to argue about this stuff. Its good enough for me that I still have her even though I never backed down from my policy. What I did back down from was trying to convince her that she shouldn't be insulted. Cause I can see why she is insulted. My plan is to just stop talking about this and do what I want.

[donnamaybe]

Now you're just making stuff up because you know you're wrong. People go on a discussion board to--wait for it--DISCUSS stuff, and sometimes that stuff has nothing to do with an issue they themselves have.

 

People go to message boards for different reasons. Shocking, huh?

 

You can blather on all you'd like, but I believe one of the "men" in this thread simply made another account, and you won't change my mind. THAT part isn't shocking at all considering the calibre...

 

WAY too convenient.

[Peter Attis]

No, of course not. I can't change the mind of an illogical person.

[Stung]

 

Clearly not zero reason to someone. And if it were a happy relationship, then it'll whether this storm easily enough.

 

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Most likely not easily, no.

 

I am not among the crowd who would automatically walk out on my marriage if my husband demanded a paternity test, but it would be a terrible blow to our bond of mutual understanding and trust and it would drive a wedge into our relationship that we might not be able to recover from...and yes, we are very happily married. I would insist on counseling, and to be honest I would probably not be able to be around him for a little while. I'd be surprised if he could look me in the eye.

 

Nobody on this thread that I have seen has argued that a paternity test is unreasonable if the woman has displayed shady tendencies in the past or is an unknown quantity. The premise here is that the relationship is loving, monogamous, long-term, and the woman has not behaved suspiciously. Is the reason so many men in this thread are having difficulty empathizing with why this is not merely a 'mildly sensitive' issue is they have no real idea what emotional and physical upheaval a pregnancy entails? Nor is the STD test scenario people are arguing about any kind of real equivalent...asking one sex for an STD test is only equivalent to asking the opposite sex for an STD test. Pregnancy and family are much more complex and emotional issues for most people.

 

However even if it were not a deeply personal and emotional issue to women, which it clearly is to most, many would still logically take issue with having their character maligned as a man's personal policy on the basis of something "3%" of women have supposedly done. That would mean 97% of women are innocent of such behavior.

 

If I'm at the doctor and they tell me there's a 3% chance I have something and a 97% chance that I do not, and therefore insurance will not cover the testing because it is considered an insignificant risk, I generally don't freak out and demand the extra testing immediately because I'm overcome with fear that I'm caught in death's grip. There is a greater than 3% chance that my birth control pills could give me a stroke sometime in the next fifteen years, yet I still take one every day.

 

Personally I have seen a ridiculous range of studies and statistics on this subject, all refuting each other. None of them can be taken seriously at this point.

[Jersey Shortie]

Green, the difference between getting an STD test in the beginning of a relationship and asking a partner to get one after years of being together are two different things.

 

You love your girlfriend but you clearly don't respect her. You are going to sweep it under the rug and if the time comes that you two have achild together, you are going to go behind her back to get the results you want out of lack of trust of her and the situation.

 

That's no kind of healthy relationship. You are going to give her a face-value relationship where you keep things *easy* for you just so you don't have to deal with the consequences of your thoughts, choices and actions.

[blue.iris]

Green--The thing with STD testing is, you generally do it in the beginning of a relationship, before you really even know the person. If someone you were dating for a few weeks suddenly said she was pregnant, it would be completely understandable for the man to ask for a paternity test.

 

However, say a man and woman have been married for 5 years. Everything's going great except for an accidental pregnancy. It would be insulting if the man were to demand a paternity test.

[donnamaybe]

No, of course not. I can't change the mind of an illogical person.

 

You just keep mumbling that over and over and over to yourself. It'll make ya feel a whole lot better.

[Art_Critic]

Hey Green...

 

I think your last post was great.. you guys sound like a good couple...

[Stung]

Are Paternty Tests Insulting? Well from the very limited amount of women who responded on this thread the asnwer is a resounding yes.

 

 

 

Are paternity tests insulting? Yes, they can be very insulting especialy if you are unwilling to accept why they are insulting. Really though I will still go through and test any kid I have.

 

Its good enough for me that I still have her even though I never backed down from my policy. What I did back down from was trying to convince her that she shouldn't be insulted. Cause I can see why she is insulted. My plan is to just stop talking about this and do what I want.

 

 

I agree with you that an inability to understand or empathize with why this would be insulting would really rub salt into the wound, and that exact trait popping up over and over on this thread is a large part of what has many female posters hackles up.

 

Personally if my husband were to go behind my back and test our child in secret and I found out about it, that would be even worse, and my reasons for that take are clear enough in TBF's poll thread. However since you've told your GF that this is what you plan to do and she is forewarned there's no real deception on your part. She's choosing to stick it out, so, it seems to be working out for you. I'm glad you had enough respect for your girlfriend to try to understand her rather than continue to try to convince her that she is wrong by invalidating her emotions.

[JustJoe]

AO, if you would read all of my posts, You would know that I DO practice what I preach, although I don't do much preaching. I was the reason for D-day between my MW and her H, and I was the one who suggested the PT, after being told that she was pregnant. My specific situation has nothing to do with the question of PT tests WHERE THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF CHEATING. Get it?

[donnamaybe]

However since you've told your GF that this is what you plan to do and she is forewarned there's no real deception on your part. She's choosing to stick it out, so, it seems to be working out for you. I'm glad you had enough respect for your girlfriend to try to understand her rather than continue to try to convince her that she is wrong by invalidating her emotions.

 

I just hope that, should he go forward with a paternity test in the future, he does NOT do it behind her back.

 

Green, at least CONTINUE to be up front with your gal.

[bayouboi]

That's no kind of healthy relationship.

 

It's obvious that this issue is a matter of perspective based on your gender. In YOUR opinion as a female it's an unhealthy thing to do. In the opinions and minds of most of the males it's a completely healthy thing to do.

 

But to look at it further, what exactly do both sides of the gender have to lose & gain by winning their side of this debate? If the woman wins, she gains the control of the knowledge of father of her child and retains her feeling that her man trusts her. If she loses, she shares the knowledge of the father of her child and loses her feeling that her man trusts her. If the man wins, he gains access to the knowledge of the father and peace of mind. If he loses, he never has the knowledge of the father of her child and he may or may not struggle with peace of mind.

 

Now this isn't me declaring one side better than the other, it's only a matter to see what both sides have at stake and it's easy to see why both sides are holding pretty tight to their side of the debate.

[threebyfate]

Green, only one cautionary. Ignoring this until it happens, is a good way to ensure for a powder keg explosion, in future.

 

You do realize that her not talking about it, doesn't mean she agrees with it and will roll over when the time comes. She could easily have mistaken your not talking about it, as acquiescence to her feelings.

[A O]

No reason to have to "assume" anything.

I'm pregnant. He thinks the baby might be some other guy's. What's to assume? That I may have accidently slipped and fallen naked on an engorged penis?

You are assuming, you're assuming the worst. Of course it could be true but you won't know until you talk about it, if indeed, you ever do. And true or not, it can still be worked through. Some folks out there have a habit of thinking/assuming the worst. Nothing too wrong about that, mind you, providing that they talk through this way of thinking rather than simply acting on it alone.

 

Most likely not easily, no. I am not among the crowd who would automatically walk out on my marriage if my husband demanded a paternity test, but it would be a terrible blow to our bond of mutual understanding and trust and it would drive a wedge into our relationship that we might not be able to recover from...and yes, we are very happily married.

Its all relative Stung. Easy in this case means that we're not talking about automatic separation. You're right, it'll be bloody hard, might even drive a wedge, but this type of storm, so to speak, is far easier to recover from than the alternative being mostly discussed here.

 

 

AO, if you would read all of my posts, You would know that I DO practice what I preach, although I don't do much preaching. I was the reason for D-day between my MW and her H, and I was the one who suggested the PT, after being told that she was pregnant. My specific situation has nothing to do with the question of PT tests WHERE THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF CHEATING. Get it?

Preaching was the wrong word Joe, I take that back. Point is, you mentioned how you were raised to respect people yet there was very little in the way of respect in your post. Everything but in fact. I'm questioning your behavior Joe, not the subject matter.

 

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[donnamaybe]

Green, only one cautionary. Ignoring this until it happens, is a good way to ensure for a powder keg explosion, in future.

 

You do realize that her not talking about it, doesn't mean she agrees with it and will roll over when the time comes. She could easily have mistaken your not talking about it, as acquiescence to her feelings.

 

Yup, and she could also have thought, "Okay. He feels like this now, but after we've been together long enough, he'll know I can be trusted."

 

However, from what he's posted, I think he's going to do it behind her back.

[donnamaybe]

You are assuming, you're assuming the worst. .

 

Explain what else it could possibly mean? The demand for testing his child to see if it's really his. Please tell me how that doesn't equal "he think's I might be sneaking around with another man behind his back."

[Green]

Hey Green...

 

I think your last post was great.. you guys sound like a good couple...

 

Thanks, I think so too

 

I agree with you that an inability to understand or empathize with why this would be insulting would really rub salt into the wound, and that exact trait popping up over and over on this thread is a large part of what has many female posters hackles up.

 

Personally if my husband were to go behind my back and test our child in secret and I found out about it, that would be even worse, and my reasons for that take are clear enough in TBF's poll thread. However since you've told your GF that this is what you plan to do and she is forewarned there's no real deception on your part. She's choosing to stick it out, so, it seems to be working out for you. I'm glad you had enough respect for your girlfriend to try to understand her rather than continue to try to convince her that she is wrong by invalidating her emotions.

 

I do have a lot of respect for her. I also have respect for myself, and thats why I didn't take the easy way out and just lie and say something like "you're right" when I couldn't believe it. I understand why she feels the way she does, and I do respect it. It really isn't the most romantic or kind thing to say my policy is what it is. I just feel I need it, maybe one day I won't, but for now I doubt I will ever change.

[sb129]

Green, the difference between getting an STD test in the beginning of a relationship and asking a partner to get one after years of being together are two different things..

 

Yes, they are- totally different.

 

Green--The thing with STD testing is, you generally do it in the beginning of a relationship, before you really even know the person. If someone you were dating for a few weeks suddenly said she was pregnant, it would be completely understandable for the man to ask for a paternity test.

 

However, say a man and woman have been married for 5 years. Everything's going great except for an accidental pregnancy. It would be insulting if the man were to demand a paternity test.

 

Agreed again.

 

As I said in TBFs thread- in my own personal situation, I fell pregnant while actively trying to conceive just a few weeks after we got married.

 

Had my H asked for a paternity test then, I probably would have asked for him to have a psychiatric assessment.

 

Our daughter is definitely his- I know the exact moment conception took place, and for further reassurance, she looks like him.

 

Had we been newly dating, it had been a ONS or had there been infidelity involved on my part, then I probably would have arranged a paternity test myself.

[JustJoe]

AO, I make no excuses for being in an affair, I should have known better, but I did it anyway. I didn't know about her H at first, but I did later, and no, I didn't show him any respect. I believed her, for a long time.

[threebyfate]

Yup, and she could also have thought, "Okay. He feels like this now, but after we've been together long enough, he'll know I can be trusted."

 

However, from what he's posted, I think he's going to do it behind her back.

Legally speaking, he can't do it behind her back. Someone correct me if I'm wrong but in order to do a pat test, he will need to get a sample of his SOs DNA. He can't be in possession of her DNA and submit it, without breaking the law, if he doesn't get her consent.

[JustJoe]

I believe that Ms. TBF is right, at least in Texas. I was asked by her H's lawyer to provide a sample, and was told that I didn't have to, but it would make it easier to determine. I think she was asked also.

[A O]

The premise here is that the relationship is loving, monogamous, long-term, and the woman has not behaved suspiciously. Is the reason so many men in this thread are having difficulty empathizing with why this is not merely a 'mildly sensitive' issue is they have no real idea what emotional and physical upheaval a pregnancy entails?

Pregnancy is the background for all this Stung but trust is the core issue here. On any given day, situations will arise whereupon we'll question our partner, where we'll seek reassurance that everything is fine. In some cases, who knows most cases even, this question will fit into this same, ordinary dynamic (needing reassurance rather than declaring war on the other half). Clearly a lot depends on how the other person interprets this request and one good thing about this thread is that we're seeing how some women think, feel, and would do when faced with this question. That's a lot of knowledge that men can take in, learn from, help prepare themselves with should this actual situation arise. On the flip side, well, can't say I'm seeing one as of yet. That's a shame.

 

Explain what else it could possibly mean? The demand for testing his child to see if it's really his. Please tell me how that doesn't equal "he think's I might be sneaking around with another man behind his back."

That's not the point - its what all this means to you and how you'd deal with it all should it ever arise.

 

 

AO, I make no excuses for being in an affair, I should have known better, but I did it anyway. I didn't know about her H at first, but I did later, and no, I didn't show him any respect. I believed her, for a long time.

Sorry Joe, but I'm talking about your posting behavior, not whatever you've done in the real world.

 

 

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