Are Paternity Tests Insulting?

[threebyfate]

A man like WHAT? You act like he's a serial rapist just because he asked for a paternity test.

What kind of man would marry someone they didn't trust not to cheat on them? What other kind of stupid decisions would he make? What other kinds of things would be do, in the name of distrust? Major, major red flags, and a killer of any hope of a viable relationship.

 

MY child will be raised with love, trust and respect, given security like nobody's business. I've seen the results on LS, how dysfunctional parental relationships, warp people badly.

[anne1707]

It just seems to me that some on LS only ever see things from their own (potentially distorted) perspective. Completely black and white and they are never ever wrong

[calizaggy]

What kind of man would marry someone they didn't trust not to cheat on them? What other kind of stupid decisions would he make? What other kinds of things would be do, in the name of distrust? Major, major red flags, and a killer of any hope of a viable relationship.

 

MY child will be raised with love, trust and respect, given security like nobody's business. I've seen the results on LS, how dysfunctional parental relationships, warp people badly.

 

I think almost ALL MEN..And women still cheat, but usually the men never find out..

 

Did you marry a guy knowing he would cheat? If so, why did you marry him?

[Mr White]

What kind of man would marry someone they didn't trust not to cheat on them? What other kind of stupid decisions would he make? What other kinds of things would be do, in the name of distrust? Major, major red flags, and a killer of any hope of a viable relationship.

 

MY child will be raised with love, trust and respect, given security like nobody's business. I've seen the results on LS, how dysfunctional parental relationships, warp people badly.

 

 

I'm not looking forward 15 yrs from now when YOUR (:rolleyes:) child will be condescending to the people on and off the interne like it's nobody's business.

[Woggle]

Some of these posts speak volumnes about how many women view fathers. We are truly useless sperm donors to many of them. To me a woman who has nothing to hide would have no problem proving her love and faithfullness.

 

Yes it is looking out for number one but if men don't look out for ourselves who will? I just do not get why women have such an issue with this. If they looked at this the right way it could actually strengthen a marriage because it gives a man piece of mind.

[FryFish]

No, it's the maternal protective instincts. I would hate MY son, to be raised by a man like that.

A man who can look at the numbers and make the objective decision to play it safe? So you would hate to have your son raised by a rational human being? You would rather it be raised by a kneejerk reactionist such as someone who believes they are completely above reproach and to even mention that they are in fact just human like the rest of us and are completely capable of falling victim to the same things other humans do is cause for them to fly off the handle and end a perfectly good relationship?

 

edit: and threebyfate, You DONT really love your SO... This is evidenced by the fact that you would rather walk away from your relationship than simply put his fears to rest. You dont really love your child either as you would deny it its father simply because you didnt love its father enough to quell his fears. You do love yourself though... and quite a bit. And while it is good that you love yourself, a guy like me, could never love you more than you love yourself...

 

And JerseyShorty 3% is a HUGE number as far as paternity fraud goes. If 3% of men were rapists it would be law that girls carry tazors and mace and that men would be required to randomly prove they havent raped anyone recently...

Edited March 8, 2010 by FryFish

[sally4sara]

Un-****in-believable. You single-handedly solidified thousands' of men's distrust of women insofar that your post blatantly shows the attitude men resent: "I'm in charge of reproduction. Deal with it. All other concerns, including the possible violation of your trust, are secondary".

 

There is an enormous difference between being a step dad and being duped into believing that the kid is yours, but apparently to you an many other women this is not significant enough to even be a topic of concern and conversation.

 

Way to take it out of context and prove that some men think of children as simply a BURDEN and cannot conceive of doing it unless absolutely and unavoidably forced on them. This is part of why unprovoked DNA testing is insulting. You are not just saying you think the woman capable of acting in such a low manner, but also saying you find no joy in the possibility of having a kid with her. You are looking for reasons to NOT do it no matter how good the relationship has been.

 

I was also thinking of Jersey's very apt comparison over a woman asking for random std testing through out the relationship. The good old prick and devil's BJ swabbing simply because she visited her parents last weekend and who knows what you were doing . Guys were not on board with that one. But which would you rather do? Have to pay out the rear for prescription drugs and medical bills for your deteriorating body because he cheated and a highly limited sex life? Or have a relationship with a child, yours or not? Yeah, both scenarios happen.

[FryFish]

Way to take it out of context

No, out of context is comparing a stepdad to a cuckold Sally. Evolution has bred most males to avoid BEING the cuckold like the plague.

 

You are not just saying you think the woman capable of acting in such a low manner,

Are you saying women arent? People cheat... men cheat and women cheat.

 

but also saying you find no joy in the possibility of having a kid with her.

No, telling her to get an abortion would be saying you find no joy in the possibility of having a kid with her. Telling her you want a paternity test is telling her you want to raise YOUR kid with her and not someone elses.

 

 

You are looking for reasons to NOT do it no matter how good the relationship has been.

No, just objectively looking at the numbers. That a woman would think that being a stepdad and being a cuckold is roughly the same thing from the males perspective is VERY disturbing.

 

I was also thinking of Jersey's very apt comparison over a woman asking for random std testing through out the relationship.

That is a good idea anyways.

 

Guys were not on board with that one.

I would do it if it meant my GF was going to sleep easier. Girls get cheated on just as much as guys do and it is great to meet ones that can look at the situation rationally.

 

But which would you rather do? Have to pay out the rear for prescription drugs and medical bills for your deteriorating body because he cheated and a highly limited sex life? Or have a relationship with a child, yours or not?

Wow! You really do believe that men should be cool with their SO's getting knocked up by other guys... That really is UN****ING Believable.

 

My guess is that most guys dont think girls should be cool with contracting STD's because their SO's couldnt be faithful... I know I dont expect that.

[sally4sara]

No, out of context is comparing a stepdad to a cuckold Sally. Evolution has bred most males to avoid BEING the cuckold like the plague.

 

Are you saying women arent? People cheat... men cheat and women cheat.

 

I didn't say women are not capable of cheating. We are talking about one woman and one who has never given a reason to doubt her. Why do we keep having to remind y'all that the OP has stated the situation is one in which the woman has not been up to anything one might question?

 

No, just objectively looking at the numbers. That a woman would think that being a stepdad and being a cuckold is roughly the same thing from the males perspective is VERY disturbing.

 

And I didn't say this either. I said having a kid in your life that is not yours isn't the worst thing that could happen to a person. You got all in a twist about it and acted like I thought it okay to cuckold some unsuspecting guy. Pardon me for trying to clear that up for you and shame on me for trying because it is clear you wish to take any statement you can in the worst possible light - no wonder you can't see why a woman who has given no doubts might be offended by the insinuation she has been cheating.

 

 

Wow! You really do believe that men should be cool with their SO's getting knocked up by other guys... That really is UN****ING Believable.

 

Here you do it again. Quote where I said this. But please making stuff up just to keep responding.

[FryFish]

I said having a kid in your life that is not yours isn't the worst thing that could happen to a person.

Bringing it up in this thread is what lead me to my conclusions... If you didnt mean to imply that the two have some equivalency it was a mistake to bring it up in a thread about paternity fraud.

 

You got all in a twist about it and acted like I thought it okay to cuckold some unsuspecting guy.

You have compared it to being a stepdad.

 

Pardon me for trying to clear that up for you and shame on me for trying because it is clear you wish to take any statement you can in the worst possible light -

Lets agree that you dont think paternity fraud is the same thing as being a step dad. However if we agree to that then we must also agree that comparing the situation of raising a kid that you know isnt yours to the situation of raising a kid that you think is yours but was actually conceived by the person you love and somebody else nonchalantly will lead to people thinking you hold the two in the same regard.

 

no wonder you can't see why a woman who has given no doubts might be offended by the insinuation she has been cheating.

I understand it might be offensive but only if you hold yourself above reproach and dont look at it objectively.

 

edit: that is, its offensive if you choose simply to react before thinking it through. We have all made the mistake of knee-jerk reactions but with practice and patience we can break the habit.

Edited March 8, 2010 by FryFish

[sally4sara]

Bringing it up in this thread is what lead me to my conclusions... If you didnt mean to imply that the two have some equivalency it was a mistake to bring it up in a thread about paternity fraud.

 

You have compared it to being a stepdad.

 

No, I used the enjoyment my husband has in being a step dad to illustrate how involvement in the life of a child is not the worst thing that could happen to a person.

And then you brought your own special brand of negative skew into it.

[FryFish]

No, I used the enjoyment my husband has in being a step dad to illustrate how involvement in the life of a child is not the worst thing that could happen to a person.

No, but being cheated on is possibly one of the worst things that can happen to a person. I really cant imagine what it would be like to find out that I was cheated on AND "my" kid isnt really mine.

 

If you arent trying to compare the scenario of raising a step kid with the scenario of being a cuckold then why did you mention it at all?

[Green]

No, I used the enjoyment my husband has in being a step dad to illustrate how involvement in the life of a child is not the worst thing that could happen to a person.

And then you brought your own special brand of negative skew into it.

 

Its a pretty bad feeling for a man to feel tricked into taking care of some one elses kid... and really it could lead a man to the Darkest of place.

 

If a women gets pregnant by another man or had previous children and a step dad decides to love the children that is GREAT.

 

If a man married or not thinks he got a woman pregnant and she knows he might not be the father... and then it turns out he is not the father he is stripped of any choice in the matter. IT IS A BIG DIFFERENCE

[Woggle]

The difference S4S is that your husband is knowingly helping to raise a son that is biologically fathered by your ex while a man in cheating situation is tricked into believing that a child is from his sperm. That is a cruel thing to do.

[Green]

The difference S4S is that your husband is knowingly helping to raise a son that is biologically fathered by your ex while a man in cheating situation is tricked into believing that a child is from his sperm. That is a cruel thing to do.

 

Its a horrible trick to play, the kind of trick that can destroy a person.

[sally4sara]

If you arent trying to compare the scenario of raising a step kid with the scenario of being a cuckold then why did you mention it at all?

 

What is with this thread and guys not bothering to read the responses they asked for?

 

So here it is again:

 

I used the enjoyment my husband has in being a step dad to illustrate how involvement in the life of a child is not the worst thing that could happen to a person.

[FryFish]

I used the enjoyment my husband has in being a step dad to illustrate how involvement in the life of a child is not the worst thing that could happen to a person.

And what, specifically(be very specific please), provoked you into thinking that you needed to make that illustration?

[Green]

And what, specifically(be very specific please), provoked you into thinking that you needed to make that illustration?

 

because she is saying if a woman wants you to be the father who cares if you are bilogical or not. I DO!

[sally4sara]

And what, specifically(be very specific please), provoked you into thinking that you needed to make that illustration?

 

Again?

 

Because you got all cranky about me saying being involved in a kid's life isn't the worst thing that could happen to a person in a relationship. I think getting a life term std would be worse, but it became obvious that THAT wasn't as bad to some of the guys when Jersey said any guy who would demand a pat test "just in case" should be fine with ongoing std testing on themselves. Some of the guys in this thread feel women shouldn't be offended by being asked to do pat testing without provocation but feel having to do ongoing std tests is overboard. This gave me the feeling that some men view dealing with a child (theirs or not) to be something they would only do if they absolutely had to no matter how good the relationship was. It could be the best relationship they ever knew, but they would expect the great girl they have it with to be fine fine fine with having their integrity questioned once a kid was in the mix. Can't you see how that could come off like a kid being the mix is something they're just hoping for a way out? SURE if she has been cheating, I could see someone wanting out - kid or no kid. But the OP was about a relationship that had no provocation for doubt. you guys keep forgetting that bit don't you....

[Woggle]

Why do women have such a problem with not being trusted?

[norajane]

Why do women have such a problem with not being trusted?

 

Without trust, you cannot develop true emotional intimacy. There's no point in being in a relationship without that - it will ultimately fail.

 

And, no one wants to be with someone who always looks at them as thought they were guilty until proven innocent, or expects the worst out of them. No trust = no relationship.

[Leia]

Without trust, you cannot develop true emotional intimacy. There's no point in being in a relationship without that - it will ultimately fail.

 

And, no one wants to be with someone who always looks at them as thought they were guilty until proven innocent, or expects the worst out of them. No trust = no relationship.

 

Yeap. It's simple as that.

[Stung]

Why do women have such a problem with not being trusted?

 

 

For most women, certainly for me, the emotional bond in the relationship is paramount over everything else. The sexual bond is very important, the parenting bond is very important, the financial and domestic partnerships are important, etc., but without our deep emotional bond my relationship with my husband would be hollow. The emotional bond IMO is comprised of many things, but most importantly love, friendship, and TRUST.

 

I place an extremely high value on my integrity and on my husbands. The trust and loyalty between us are what make me feel secure in our relationship.

 

If he doesn't trust me, our bond is damaged and not what I thought it was. Security is threatened. The entire relationship is threatened. <Shrug> Same thing if I don't trust him.

 

This is not to say he should trust me blindly if I am acting shady. If he has reasons to wonder about my behavior, he should confront me with them and we should try to work through it. But if he just plain doesn't trust the person that I am...well, ouch. That might not be recoverable.

[Woggle]

For most women, certainly for me, the emotional bond in the relationship is paramount over everything else. The sexual bond is very important, the parenting bond is very important, the financial and domestic partnerships are important, etc., but without our deep emotional bond my relationship with my husband would be hollow. The emotional bond IMO is comprised of many things, but most importantly love, friendship, and TRUST.

 

I place an extremely high value on my integrity and on my husbands. The trust and loyalty between us are what make me feel secure in our relationship.

 

If he doesn't trust me, our bond is damaged and not what I thought it was. Security is threatened. The entire relationship is threatened. <Shrug> Same thing if I don't trust him.

 

This is not to say he should trust me blindly if I am acting shady. If he has reasons to wonder about my behavior, he should confront me with them and we should try to work through it. But if he just plain doesn't trust the person that I am...well, ouch. That might not be recoverable.

 

If you are willing to givew him back that same level of trust I can respect that. I believe you and others when you say you are trustworthy but I wish that you understood where some men are coming from because there are so many women that are untrustworthy. You don't have to agree but at least understand why we feel the way we feel.

[troggleputty]

No, I've never cheated on my husband, never cheated on my first husband, never cheated on anyone.

 

 

Well, people who cheat generally deny it. So I really can't tell if you're a non-cheater or just someone who denies doing it.

 

Secondly, I see that you're into your second marriage. Obviously there were problems in your first marriage.

 

Why do you feel the need to be so self-righteous on this particular topic? It's not like anyone's perfect.

 

If a man, your husband, happened to want to get a paternity test due to an irrational bout of insecurity, why is that a punishable offense in your book?

 

I mean really. Of ALL the things a man could do in a marriage to disqualify himself as a husband, a pat. test seems to be extremely trivial.