Are Paternity Tests Insulting?

[troggleputty]

 

But what I stated was my truth. If right this very minute, my husband were to ask for a paternity test for Bump, I would walk away from our marriage. Had he broached it, when we clinically discussed prenups while dating, I think I would have been fine with it, since it would be in a non-personal way, and at that point in time, he didn't know me very well.

 

1. Divorce over a paternity test? That's not a believable statement. No rational woman would divorce over their husband getting a paternity test.

 

2. Your judgment of men in relationships is poor, as proven by the fact that your first husband cheated on you. Hopefully the same is not true of your current husband. But the point is, you don't know.

 

3. Your own personal experience proves that a spouse can be cheating and the other spouse unaware of it.

 

I think you view marriage as a war that you are bound and determined to win, at least judging from your posts. This is a result of your having been cheated on in your first marriage.

 

If I happened to be your husband, and you gave me an ultimatum like that--"I will divorce you if you get a paternity test"--I would make a point of getting the paternity test simply to demonstrate to you that you can't use that kind of emotional blackmail (i.e. the threat of divorce) to manipulate your spouse's behavior. Although women esp. seem prone to this kind of thing for some reason.

 

As a husband I have an absolute legal right to get a paternity test. I don't need my spouse's permission. And if my spouse ever expressed the notion that she would impose some kind of penalty on me if I suggested I might want to get a paternity test, I would make a point of getting that test.

 

Because you see in my marriage--which is a healthy marriage--my wife doesn't dictate my behavior via threats/emotional blackmail of the kind you seem to endorse.

 

Rather than using emotional blackmail, I suggest to you it would be much more effective for you to behave in such a way that your husband never feels such a test to be necessary. Evidently you have some fear of your ability to keep his trust. But your inability to keep your husband's trust in you is not his deficiency, you see. It is yours.

[threebyfate]

I asked H. tonight if he wanted a pat test done on Bump. Here's our convo:

 

Me: Do you want me to get a paternity test done on Bump?

H: What? What are you talking about?

Me: Nevermind. Do you want me to get a pat test done on Bump?

H: No, [insert unmentionable reasons ]. Now why are you asking?

Me: Something that came up on LS.

H: *rolls eyes and goes back to his show*

[troggleputty]

I would purposely prevent MY child from having exposure to an untrusting man. Lord knows what other phobias or insecurities, MY child would be exposed to, from someone like this.

 

 

But it is you who lacks trust. You've set a rather arbitrary threshhold of what you would divorce the child's father over, and it's completely trivial. You claim to be trustworthy and faithful, yet are greatly offended over the prospect of a simple cheap test that would confirm your integrity. That's simply not logical behavior.

 

You would even deny the child its father simply because the father didn't meet your entirely arbitrary criteria--which is to place blind trust in you, the mother. Paradoxically, the only reason that the father might not be willing to place blind trust in you would be your own actions. You don't see that your repulsion and hypervigilance over the prospect of a paternity test, indeed, and a threat to divorce over it, is ITSELF a serious "red flag" and indicates with great probability that you are in fact not trustworthy and may well be a cheater yourself.

 

Honest, trustworthy people know in their hearts that they are honest and trustworthy. They're not "scared" of such a test because they have nothing to be scared of. They may be saddened and concerned that their spouse does not hold the highest level of trust for them; but if they are in fact trustworthy, that can only be attributed to an irrational fear of the spouse. What kind of a loving woman would divorce a spouse over an irrational fear or phobia?

 

No, your threat to divorce--to actually give the entire relationship the "death sentence"--is an obvious bluff, it is simply emotional blackmail, a way of controlling your spouse. Very unhealthy on your part.

[troggleputty]

A biological father is not necessarily a father. If you believe this, you'll also believe that a pedophile should be allowed to get to know their children. No child deserves to be raised in an untrusting, abusive or toxic environment.

 

 

I take it you are not planning on raising any children yourself, then?

[troggleputty]

I asked H. tonight if he wanted a pat test done on Bump. Here's our convo:

 

Me: Do you want me to get a paternity test done on Bump?

H: What? What are you talking about?

Me: Nevermind. Do you want me to get a pat test done on Bump?

H: No, [insert unmentionable reasons ]. Now why are you asking?

Me: Something that came up on LS.

H: *rolls eyes and goes back to his show*

 

 

You're being disingenuous now.

 

When you asked your H if he wanted to do a pat test, did you threaten him with divorce if he said "yes"?

 

You don't even have the courage of your supposed convictions, do you?

 

Since you decided to bring up the issue with your h in the first place....go tell him that you dare him to get a pat test. Tell him if he gets a pat test you will get divorced no ifs and or buts.

 

That's what you told LS you would do.

[Stung]

If you are willing to givew him back that same level of trust I can respect that. I believe you and others when you say you are trustworthy but I wish that you understood where some men are coming from because there are so many women that are untrustworthy. You don't have to agree but at least understand why we feel the way we feel.

 

Of course I agree that there are untrustworthy women, although I don't believe they're the overwhelming majority, as you do.

 

I also know there are untrustworthy men. Men who cheat, men who lie and gaslight, men who father children on their mistresses. The simple fact is that there are terrible men in the world, and terrible women as well. Many of the men on this board have been hurt or seen traits they don't like in the opposite sex, but the same is just as true of the women on this board.

 

I have every reason in the world to mistrust men, Woggle. My past is messed up, as is yours, and for a long time I was hurt, defensive and embittered. I had trouble trusting people in general and men specifically. I understand what it's like better than you think, but I knew it was destructive and that I was doing further damage to myself by allowing myself to get mired in negative thought processes that were not allowing me to heal, grow, and experience something better.

 

Achieving some peace is something I worked very hard on for a long time, but it was more worth it than you can imagine. I truly hope you can say the same someday.

[troggleputty]

And what, specifically(be very specific please), provoked you into thinking that you needed to make that illustration?

 

 

She's saying that it's actually none of the male spouse's business whether the woman gets pregnant by another man or not. That the male spouse should be so grateful for the opportunity to raise another man's child that the wife's betrayal should be disregarded.

 

That's what she's saying.

 

LOL at her attempts to dance around that.

[A O]

Why do women have such a problem with not being trusted?

Why do you have such a problem with women? Answer that and you've answered your own question.

 

On a more constructive note, its better for the folk out there to understand what drives people like you and people with relationship issues full stop. What shaped your/their views and how they influence behavior. Long story short, its all about understanding. The more we understand, the better prepared we become to either spot people with issues, cope with these types, or if necessary, avoid them altogether.

 

The bottom line is that there's no shortage of trustworthy people out there. This seems to have gotten lost in the mire as the issues brigade have run riot in this thread.

 

 

.

[calizaggy]

Then all women should be 100% secure with their husband going to bars, acquiring female friends, chatting on the net, etc. After all it is all about trust right? And there is never any reason at all for a woman to EVER check her husbands email/cell phone, etc.

[sally4sara]

Then all women should be 100% secure with their husband going to bars, acquiring female friends, chatting on the net, etc. After all it is all about trust right? And there is never any reason at all for a woman to EVER check her husbands email/cell phone, etc.

 

Are you kidding me?!?

Of course my husband can go to bars without me and he does have female friends - all without me snooping on him.

I too can go to bars without him and do have male friends - all without him snooping on me.

[Woggle]

This is why men are right not to fully trust women.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2691309&postcount=7

[Leia]

Weird that that was her first post on a thread like that ... for all we know, it could be one of the guys here pretending to be a woman just to prove something to women on this forum

[carhill]

A more cautionary tale might be known to regular posters, that of LakesideDream's wife, who had an affair for nearly 25 years while married to him. I don't recall if they had children during that time period (they do have children) but there's one example. He says he never knew the affair was going on during that period.

[shadowplay]

Weird that that was her first post on a thread like that ... for all we know, it could be one of the guys here pretending to be a woman just to prove something to women on this forum

 

Yup, it's almost certainly a troll. The wording too is so transparently fake.

[shadowplay]

A more cautionary tale might be known to regular posters, that of LakesideDream's wife, who had an affair for nearly 25 years while married to him. I don't recall if they had children during that time period (they do have children) but there's one example. He says he never knew the affair was going on during that period.

 

There are a minority of women who will cheat in a given relationship. There are an equally large minority of men who will cheat in a given relationship.

 

Nonetheless, part of being in a healthy, loving relationship involves some risk, as do most good things in life. Trust involves risk. If you can't take that risk then you will ultimately push your partner away. The female response to this thread and the one TBF started illustrates that most men who are unwilling to take this risk will lose their loved ones.

Edited March 8, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Yup, it's almost certainly a troll. The wording too is so transparently fake.

 

Not to mention the username "lovingit." These trolls can't seem to grasp subtlety. Or perhaps there are more subtle trolls who go undetected...

[carhill]

I'm willing. Life is too short. BTDT. I already stipulated to the insult. I don't mind being insulting anymore. Been insulted enough

[shadowplay]

I'm willing. Life is too short. BTDT. I already stipulated to the insult. I don't mind being insulting anymore. Been insulted enough

 

You're willing to what? Take the risk?

[Leia]

Not to mention the username "lovingit." These trolls can't seem to grasp subtlety. Or perhaps there are more subtle trolls who go undetected...

 

Might as well register as "MeTrollMeLovingIt"

[donnamaybe]

But women here aren't getting mad at being suspected of cheating so much as being suspected of cheating AND knowingly trying to get a man to raise a kid that isn't his.

 

And now some "man" is going to tell us why we feel how we feel.

[carhill]

You're willing to what? Take the risk?

Listen, I already stated my perspective well up-thread. I accept that a woman would be insulted by the premise of the thread. I kindly provided an example of a poster most of us know who got gaslighted pretty bad for 25 years and *maybe* had a wife who got pregnant with another man's child as an example to refute the 'troll' post proffered and disputed. I'm done with this matter.

[donnamaybe]

From my perspective, it would be a reassurance issue, for me - diddly squat to do with her.

 

Ah, gotcha. You don't care how it affects her.

[donnamaybe]

Really? Something as simple as a paternity test would kill your marriage? Then it must not be a very strong marriage!

 

Wow, did you ever get THIS backwards!

 

If you insist on a paternity test, that would mean it must not be a very strong marriage.

[troggleputty]

There are a minority of women who will cheat in a given relationship. There are an equally large minority of men who will cheat in a given relationship.

 

Nonetheless, part of being in a healthy, loving relationship involves some risk, as do most good things in life. Trust involves risk. If you can't take that risk then you will ultimately push your partner away. The female response to this thread and the one TBF started illustrates that most men who are unwilling to take this risk will lose their loved ones.

 

 

Not at all. If it "proves" anything, it proves that many women are very insecure in their relationships--so insecure that they would use emotional blackmail to prevent their spouse from taking a simple, scientific test which would prove their fidelity. They are so insecure that they view a spouse's desire to take a DNA test when it's supposedly unwarranted, as an insult to them rather than an indication that something is amiss with their spouse or with their relationship.

 

As always with selfish, self-centered, emotionally-unstable women, "it's all about them."

[donnamaybe]

You are WAY too defensive about this purely "hypothetical" scenario. And way too aggressive about what your reaction would be. And angry.

 

You're hiding something Donnamaybe. Your emotional reaction is one of obvious guilt over something that you did in your relationship.

 

What did you do?

 

Hee hee! Oh, yes. I HAS to be a woman's fault that some guys have absolutely no trust in anyone. :lmao:

 

I get SUCH a chuckle on this forum.