Rearden Metal Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 Thanks RM that's good - although the rest of the email before it is about 4 pages so far, so why be brief now? LOL Because the longer it is, the MORE effort you're putting into it, thus putting >100% again. It's HIM we want to work here, remember? Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 Because the longer it is, the MORE effort you're putting into it, thus putting >100% again. It's HIM we want to work here, remember? Agreed but I am responding point by point to his 3 or 4 page email. But I really do appreciate the input and promise to try not to do it again! Link to post Share on other sites
Rearden Metal Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 Agreed but I am responding point by point to his 3 or 4 page email. But I really do appreciate the input and promise to try not to do it again! Ok but that's YOU doing all the work again. How about getting him to at the very least agree to the important point that he needs to work on this too before you go working on his email like it's your college thesis? Link to post Share on other sites
jen_r Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 ^^ Whatever, she's got alot to say. Might as well get it out while he's listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Rearden Metal Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 ^^ Whatever, she's got alot to say. Might as well get it out while he's listening. Just sayin'. The more you write, the more desperate you look. Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 Just sayin'. The more you write, the more desperate you look. I've been looking desperate for 5.5 years in staying with him. At this point I still refuse to speak, so all we've got is email. I will keep your point in mind, but this first response after 13 weeks of silence I feel safe being long winded. Thanks RM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 OK the email is sent, either the start of the healing process or the damage has been done. I will probably check in later, or in the am, then off for the weekend. G-d grant me the serenity to not check my dang blackberry 422 times a minute. PLEASE!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 It is honestly gut wrenching watching the hope displayed in your words. It breaks my heart. The cycle will continue because you want it to. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 ...this first response after 13 weeks of silence I feel safe being long winded. Which makes it all the more painfully obvious to him that you've been anxiously, eagerly waiting for him to break NC... and not moving on at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 It is honestly gut wrenching watching the hope displayed in your words. It breaks my heart. The cycle will continue because you want it to. Only because you care, you'll never know how much I appreciate that. At this point I think I'm more wondering what's next - not sure I can feel hope yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 Which makes it all the more painfully obvious to him that you've been anxiously, eagerly waiting for him to break NC... and not moving on at all. Fair point, I won't do it again - but I was responding to an equally long winded email - and this time I did include a lot of I won'ts and no more's in there. For whatever that's worth. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 Only because you care, you'll never know how much I appreciate that. At this point I think I'm more wondering what's next - not sure I can feel hope yet. You know I care. (((HUG))) I just want you to be happy... Fair point, I won't do it again - but I was responding to an equally long winded email - and this time I did include a lot of I won'ts and no more's in there. For whatever that's worth. I won't, no more... what? Fighting? Effort? Didn't you just say "I will" and "here's more" with the email? I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here. You see what I'm saying. I just wish you'd literally written him just four words: "Prove it to me." What's it gonna take for you to fully put the ball in his court and make him work for you, as he should? I wish I could beat some sense into him with a stick! Link to post Share on other sites
Sadbutrelieved Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 Something I've found out over the years of dealing with difficult partners is if the changes and the ideas for change don't come from them, they're probably not going to follow through with any of it. He doesn't realize how much you gave him because he felt entitled to all of it, so it's going to be very hard to get any kind of real permanent change out of him. If he was really willing to change, he would have done some serious self study and you wouldn't have to tell him everything he needs to do. I hate to rain on anyone's parade, but maybe he misses all the things you did for him and now he wants that back. Maybe he knew that if he sent a message that made you feel like you hadn't been good enough, because of your giving nature you'd buy into it and start agonizing over it, thus opening the door for him to give you a tiny peek of fake sincerity so he could reel you back in to take care of him. I could be wrong but that's how it strikes me and if it was my ex doing it I wouldn't believe a word of it. I hope it works out for the best for YOU in any case. Put yourself first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 Thanks Sadbutrelieved I think your post is very inciteful - and may very well be true. I was also concerned that he just wanted back to what was, which is why in my email I stated more than once that I was not going back to that. Who knows - the ball is now back in his court. I'm going to florida for the weekend - going to swim with the manatees and then a family wedding - so thankfully I'll have other stuff to focus on. I'm not taking a computer - but will have my blackberry. If (big IF) he writes back - then I'll just respond I'm out of town at the moment and will respond upon my return. Link to post Share on other sites
Sadbutrelieved Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 Have a great time in Florida! A holiday away from it all will do you a lot of good. Soak up some sun for those of us still stuck in snow Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 Thanks it's a very quick trip where I'll spend most of my time driving (Orlando to Tampa to Crystal River back to Tampa to Gainesville back to Orlando) - but I agree a few days away is probably what I need. I'll be back Sunday everyone (unless I sneak ontop someone's pc while away ) Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 SBR made an amazing point: change only comes from within. IF, from your email, he has an "a ha!" moment, perhaps this can be salvaged. But please, whatever you do, do NOT accept his words at face value. Make him prove it all to you, while keeping an arm's length. Have a great time in Florida, lady! xoxo Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 SBR made an amazing point: change only comes from within. IF, from your email, he has an "a ha!" moment, perhaps this can be salvaged. But please, whatever you do, do NOT accept his words at face value. Make him prove it all to you, while keeping an arm's length. Have a great time in Florida, lady! xoxo That is the intent Star - now I only hope I can stick with that. I read the email from last January and cannot believe how full of resolve I sounded, yet I totally caved. I am hoping the 3 month break (vs 2 weeks last year) will have given me more strength - it feels like my head is clearer, but who knows. This entire relationship has me questioning everything. I do know one thing however - it shouldn't be this hard. On the other hand he and I are both older, and stuck in our ways - so that does add complexity. I don't know. Can't think about itanymore right now - the ball is in his court I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD! (ok not really but I'll be driving by ) Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 You've sent off the email so now, the ball's totally in his court. Let's see what his response will be. Be prepared that if he doesn't want to meet what you're asking of him, he probably won't respond. If that happens, consider it the passive-aggressive and selfish sides to him, since why bother responding, if there's no immediate gain for him. This should greatly enhance your reasons for moving on, since your feelings aren't being taken into account, one more time. I'm stating this not to hurt or harm but to stress that this might happen and for you to be prepared. Passive-aggressive CPs are no fun to deal with but they CAN control their behaviours, if they so choose. ((hugs)) Beyond that, your vacation couldn't be happening at a better time. I'm envious that you're going to swim with the manatees. What amazing animals! Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 8, 2010 Author Share Posted March 8, 2010 TBF - that's exactly what I've beent thinking. I've outlined what I need and now he gets to choose. I haven't heard from him yet and suspect he is struggling but will end up walking away. I'm sad but not devastated, that may still come, who knows. Taking it one day at a time, secure in the knowledge, yet again, that I've done everything I can. Meanwhile the manatees were indescribable! They are so gentle and trusting, simply beautiful. There were literally hundred of them there. I defiitely want to go back, ideally during the week when there are fewer people. The one down side to the day was that I realized how much my ex would have enjoyed it and how much more fun it I would have been with him. I went on a small boat that had only 6 people. The other 5 got cold and got out of the water after a very short while. Apparently I didn't even realize they had left me for an hour - at which point I got out too. I could have stayed all day! I know for SURE ex would have been right there with me. Oh well. Happy monday everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 Well my ex finally sent the email he told his friend over 4 weeks ago that he had been crafting for weeks at that point. To sum it up, as I read it of course, he loved me very much but everything was my fault, he found me to be unattractive, and some other things that I am too embarrassed to repeat. Needless to say I cried. Then because I am an idiot, I responded with the following: "I have now read this note multiple times and rather than respond point by point, which may come later, I will ask you a question. You have detailed many traits in me that are clearly unattractive (to be kind) in your email - so why do you love me?" To his credit he sent a very good response, which to tell the truth I didn't expect. It's amazing how differently we think - he thought the first email was opening his heart, whereas I read it as a list of things wrong with me. I find it hard to believe it is a male/female thing. I think HE has issues communicating. To be fair, his response is below: "OK, so I guess I messed that attempt up; elliciting an unexpected response. I apologize if anything I wrote gave less than a positive response, which it obviously did. I was trying to lay my heart openly on the table in my last email, but sadly, that was ineffective. What I love about you, is that you are a beautiful woman with a beautiful kind heart; the kindest, most endearing woman I have ever known. I love your intelligence, your strong character, among many other things, However, more than anything, it is how I feel about you, and that you have been, and continue to be, part of my heart and my being. I was trying to communicate (obviously poorly), that I want us to be able to each talk about anything with each other, resolve each other's issues and move forward in a constructive way that supports one another. That is where my heart is, regardless if it seems to you that my actions are not consistent with that sentiment. " So to be honest I was clearly opening the door to communication (and giving him yet another chance) by asking the question above. Now that he has come back with what I consider to be a suprisingly good response - I have been working on responding point by point to his first email. The overwhelming impression I get is that can't be saved, and that makes me sad. I'm tired and I am fairly certain he won't meet me even half way. So why do I bother you might ask. Because I'm an idiot?! Really what is my problem?! LS'ers I need your input please - with the caveat that I might not follow your advice and please don't get angry with me about that later - I swear I am trying! And I can promise you all at least one thing - I will NOT go back to how things were. I lost myself in the old relationship, I gave and I gave until I had nothing left to give (OMG I"m the freaking giving tree). So if he wants to go back to how things were, I can assure you I'm done. But if he actually wants to prove to me that he can change - shouldn't I give it a chance? This is what I see. This guy just told you he loves you despite your short comings and wants to be in a place with you where he can feel free to fix your less than attractive qualities. Oh and I love the part about don't pay attention to his actions just listen to his words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 8, 2010 Author Share Posted March 8, 2010 This is what I see. This guy just told you he loves you despite your short comings and wants to be in a place with you where he can feel free to fix your less than attractive qualities. Oh and I love the part about don't pay attention to his actions just listen to his words. I'm confused, are you saying I am being to harsh? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 My interpretation is that the guy could be inferred to be a mind-f*cker, but YMMV Link to post Share on other sites
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 8, 2010 Author Share Posted March 8, 2010 My interpretation is that the guy could be inferred to be a mind-f*cker, but YMMV that made me laugh out loud, but now that you mention it, you might not be wrong. Although I truly do believe he is a lot of pain at the demise of this relationship. Out of curiousity, what does YMMV mean? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 YMMV - your mileage may vary = your experience may differ from my assertion and/or inference I was speaking only to the dynamic shared by the prior poster. It seemed too obvious to me.... Link to post Share on other sites
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