For the men

[quankanne]

A woman is like a rose. If you nurture her, she will bloom. If you don't she will wither.

 

If you love your wives. Do yourselves a favor and show them everyday.

 

thank you, Jeff, for putting this out there ... as an old married chick, I can tell you those are the things that keep me hanging in there when angry pride tells me I can find something "better" elsewhere. Because when it comes down to it, a woman's loyalty is with the guy who treats her like she's the most incredible girl he's ever met in his life, and she'll put up with the stupid stuff he says and does, as well as his annoying traits. Simply because she realizes what they have together cannot be duplicated elsewhere ...

 

for you naysayers (like Woggle), believe what you will, but I realize you are pitting what I say against what you believe to be true. And for that reason, I feel really, really sorry for you, because you will never truly enjoy the devoted love of a good woman.

[Jeff1962]

Sounds to me more like the OP was the one having the affair And now he's "making amends."

 

No. I have not ever had any type of affair. I love my wife.

 

My wife has not had an affair either.

 

There is not always an alterior motive because someone wants to improve themselves. Grow up.

 

This is for me to grow as a man because most men are not really taught how to be real men. We base our manhood so to speak off of societies rules and this is not always the best example to live by. Like I said, this is for me. It will be a life long journey but as I grow my wife will grow with me.

 

And to the poster that said I am being too Beta. I do not agree with you. You know nothing about me. I do not suffocate my wife. Everyone needs space. If you view wanting to become the best man that you can be for yourself, your wife and your family, then I do not know what to say to you.

[cuppa]

I just want to say this.

 

A woman is like a rose. If you nurture her, she will bloom. If you don't she will wither.

 

If you love your wives. Do yourselves a favor and show them everyday.

 

I know that I have my problems. I have seen areas that I could be a better husband.

 

I have made a decision to start a personal journey to become a real man for myself so that I can be the man that my wife deserves. I owe this to myself and I owe this to her.

 

No matter the outcome, I lover her.

 

...I hope you keep your words.

[mem11363]

Jeff,

I do as you say. Thing is my wife does the same for me. Most men find the approach you are trying produces the exact opposite result of what they want.

 

I have no idea what you are like in the day to day. None of us do. But I will say that your other posts show that your wife has no respect for your needs. It is great you are now on a quest to improve. I would ask you whether you have the courage to ask her if she plans to work just as hard on improving as a wife.

 

Very few women like being worshipped - the act of worship implies that one is a goddess and the other a mere mortal undeserving of even being in the presence of such greatness. NO WOMAN likes to FEEL she is with a man who does not deserve her.

 

PART of being a man - a real man - is demanding that you are treated with the same respect you show others - yes that includes your wife.

 

No. I have not ever had any type of affair. I love my wife.

 

My wife has not had an affair either.

 

There is not always an alterior motive because someone wants to improve themselves. Grow up.

 

This is for me to grow as a man because most men are not really taught how to be real men. We base our manhood so to speak off of societies rules and this is not always the best example to live by. Like I said, this is for me. It will be a life long journey but as I grow my wife will grow with me.

 

And to the poster that said I am being too Beta. I do not agree with you. You know nothing about me. I do not suffocate my wife. Everyone needs space. If you view wanting to become the best man that you can be for yourself, your wife and your family, then I do not know what to say to you.

[giotto]

 

And to the poster that said I am being too Beta. I do not agree with you. You know nothing about me. I do not suffocate my wife. Everyone needs space. If you view wanting to become the best man that you can be for yourself, your wife and your family, then I do not know what to say to you.

 

It was me... that's how you came across in your other threads... but that's my opinion... I just recognised myself in you... I was wrong, obviously. Good luck!

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

There's a HUGE difference between showing a woman every day how much you love her, and laying down for her to walk all over...

 

Women deserve much more respect and love than they typically get in modern American culture. I firmly believe a man who recognizes this will be rewarded accordingly. This is the type of man I hope my own daughter will find (or he will develop into)...

 

A guy who thinks he should bow down to his wife no matter what the situation or circumstance will get what he deserves too, but it ain't gonna be very rewarding!

 

There is a push-pull in any long term relationship; but the female still deserves all the love, respect and nurturing that she wants and needs...

Edited January 27, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[Lizzie60]

OK Jeff1962... I believe you are a good man.. but like I said before..

 

too good could = to 'doormat'... just be careful not to 'over-do-it' keep it simple IMO.

 

and if you are 'over the top' .... give us your word that you will come back, let's say in 2-3 years... under the same username and tell us if it worked.. thanks.

[Jeff1962]

Jeff,

PART of being a man - a real man - is demanding that you are treated with the same respect you show others - yes that includes your wife.

 

See. This is part of the problem with playing a man as to the rules of society. We have not been taught how to be real men so we DEMAND.

 

It's perfectly ok to expect respect if you earn it. It's ok to expect to be treated like you treat others. If they don't return this then you move on.

 

There is no love in the word DEMAND, look up the definition for demand and you will not find the word love mentioned one time.

 

Some of you don't understand. I have made this choice for me. I want to be a better man for me. I don't agree with some of the things that I see when I take a serious look at myself. I cannot change others but I can change myself.

 

Maybe DEMANDING has been part of MY problem.

[Jeff1962]

I think you need to watch some football and drink a beer

 

Hahaha. Actually we both love football and watch it together.

[Jeff1962]

OK Jeff1962... I believe you are a good man.. but like I said before..

 

too good could = to 'doormat'... just be careful not to 'over-do-it' keep it simple IMO.

 

and if you are 'over the top' .... give us your word that you will come back, let's say in 2-3 years... under the same username and tell us if it worked.. thanks.

 

Ok it's a deal. This is for me. You walk all over me and I am gone. I am not some whiney puppy that you put on a leash.

[redtail]

A woman is like a rose...

 

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to amplify;

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

 

So, if you give her any crap, you can expect a ton of sh*t!!

[nddb]

Jeff,

 

I think it may be in the way you phrase it, coupled with this cynical crowd. And to be honest, it's a little ...ummm...startling to hear such pronouncement from a guy with no context (since you are the OP). It's not how men are supposed to act in this culture. Men suppress, men control, men ignore emotions to get at facts and solutions. But I have to say that once I get past that, I see what you are trying to say.

 

The cynical crowd is trying to equate a husband's providing emotional support, closeness, affirmation, and attention to a wife with being weak and being stepped on. It may be true in some cases, but it all depends on context.

 

Here's my point. My pastor is great at creating a sense of support, empathy, and caring and attention with whomever he addresses at that time. It's unmistakable when you speak with him. But he's nobody's doormat and the only deity he worships is up there, not down here on earth. He's the indisputable leader of the church and nobody can say that he's a pushover.

 

I for one believe in that model. A husband can be a compassionate and loving leader in the family. I may be stoned by the feminist crowd but if my family were a band, I see myself as the conductor. I'm not a dictator, but my job is to provide a supportive, loving, and FUN environment for them to be who they want to be.

 

In that framework, I acknowledge my responsibility to provide emotional support, encouragement, and unconditional love to my kids. They know I'll jump through a burning building for them, and I doubt that knowledge makes them think I'm a pushover or a doormat.

 

I also acknowledge my responsibility to provide emotional support and closeness, attention and romance to my wife. She needs someone to listen to her feelings (she's smart enough to solve most problems--she needs someone to air out what she feels and I'm that ear). She needs a husband to tell her she's still pretty, to plan dates and surprise her now and then with small romantic gestures and big sweep-her-off-her-feet type of event once in a while. She needs to feel security (financial, emotional, physical) from her protective husband. My wife knows she's lucky to have it...she's no dummies. She has friends and she tells me that she's lucky I talk to her and share my worries and happy feelings with her and we do things together. I strongly doubt she thinks I'm a pushover because she comes to me for decisions all the time, and we rarely ever turn each other's down for sex (and always with a firm raincheck if one of us needs to).

 

May be that's the difference. My wife is content and FEELs lucky that I am who I am and tells me so. She is fierce in keeping our relationship from being another front in the battle of the sexes because she sees it (as I do) that it doesn't concern us.

 

I guess I chose well and went through a bunch of *shivers* unhappy relationships with some seriously narcissistic types before settling down into marriage. To be fair, some of those women wouldn't have fit well into my vision of marriage, and that's okay. They can find their own happiness. That's why they are exes.

 

In a way, it is a two-way street. Her being content and openly appreciative and brags about me to her friends and shows appreciation makes me feel secure to do the things that she needs from me: loving attention, emotional sharing, little things to let her know I think about her, etc. And encourage me to be on sites like these to learn more about what makes women tick, what screws up relationships, what works, etc...so I can conduct my marriage life with greater finesse.

 

It is not a model for everyone but she's happy and I am happy, and that's all I give a f$ck about, not anyone else's cynical vision of the world. Life is short.

Edited January 27, 2010 by nddb

[Lizzie60]

All men on this thread... may I ask you:

 

How long have you been married?

and

Is this your 1st, 2nd, 3rd wife?

 

thanks

[nddb]

first wife.

 

Coming up on 20 years.

[Jeff1962]

First wife. 20 years this May.

[Jeff1962]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I appreciate each and eveyone of them.

[angie2443]

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to amplify;

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

 

So, if you give her any crap, you can expect a ton of sh*t!!

 

I love it! So true to!

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

All men on this thread... may I ask you:

 

How long have you been married?

and

Is this your 1st, 2nd, 3rd wife?

 

thanks

 

16 years married, 17+ years together, 1st marriage...

[Barky]

I'm not married, I date a lot of different women.

 

Ok Jeff, your post was a little weird in my opinion, but if it floats your boat to try to "become a better man" etc etc etc.. then good luck and god bless.

[cuppa]

being loving to your wife does not mean that you give her permission to walk all over you.

 

If a woman is a bully or just simply bitter, she will do it to you regardless but 90% of the women out there will appreciate any efforts put in from the husband to love her and to become a better partner.

 

So again, OP, I hope you keep your words and I wish you the best of luck!!!

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I'm not married, I date a lot of different women.

 

Ok Jeff, your post was a little weird in my opinion, but if it floats your boat to try to "become a better man" etc etc etc.. then good luck and god bless.

 

Personally, I don't believe most men could understand Jeff's original post until married themselves (and likely for a sigificant amount of time). I also believe that a man will gain an even deeper understanding once he has been blessed with a daughter or two of his own...

Edited January 27, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[nddb]

No, I understand him but I have the same initial what-the-hell ...reaction.

 

Kinda like most people are put off when Tom Cruise jumps up the couch professing his love for Katie Holmes out of nowhere.

 

It's jarring, that's all, although the underlying intention is good.

[Woggle]

I treated my first wife like that and you all know what happened to me. Any man who has been through the grinder knows what BS this thread is.

[Jeff1962]

No, I understand him but I have the same initial what-the-hell ...reaction.

 

Kinda like most people are put off when Tom Cruise jumps up the couch professing his love for Katie Holmes out of nowhere.

 

It's jarring, that's all, although the underlying intention is good.

 

If you are so put off by my thoughts then why respond at all?

 

I think some of you men on here are a bunch of pussies in my opinion. You don't know how to treat women, you don't know how to be men so you lash out. Bugger off to many of you.

[Jeff1962]

I treated my first wife like that and you all know what happened to me. Any man who has been through the grinder knows what BS this thread is.

 

I'm sorry that you were hurt. I did not hurt you. If you do not understand the concept of wanting to be a better man FOR YOURSELF FIRST, then this thread is not for you at all.