emotionally abusive relationship

[pureinheart]

Here's another link to a helpful site. It also has several links within it.

(one-stop shopping, I guess....)

 

It sounds like you're getting a little stronger all the time. Keep that forward momentum going!!

 

http://stoptherollercoaster.blogspot.com/

 

 

*hugs*

 

Wow...just clicked to this site...can tell it's good...thank you for sharing FS

[ssuzanness]

ok!! he somehow got my new number!! i'm so mad...so i'm getting texts...again!! he's mad because i didn't invite him to christmas at my moms....( remember ..he doesn't like my family..why would i ask him here?)...UGH!! then he says the reason i don't move in with him is because of my daughter...(she won't live with me if i live with him)....anyway....this is not true...i said "i will not live with you becuase you are mean, disrespectful, and abusive..." so he says he hates her...and she's stupid...he informed me that he is now going to move to florida where it will be so much fun without me....whatever....he's on trial all next week for a DUI...hopefully he goes to jail...ANYWAY...i said..."don't bother ever contacting me again"....that was 20 mins ago....so far so good...we'll see what happens tomorrow... GEESH!!! make it stop!!!!

[sugarmomma]

You may want to change your number again unless a part of you wants to be involved in the DRAMA. He said that he hates your daughter? I would never be involved with someone who hated my flesh and blood. If he hates her and she is a part of you maybe he hates you. Susan I hope that this works out for you where you can understrand that the decision to be made need not be made on your emotions.

 

It may take a long time to get him out of your heart. You just have to go through all those uncomfortable emotions. What keeps me away is remembering how I was treated and how I vowed to myself to not allow people to treat me with such disregard. I know its hard afer you have seen the "good" part of them and you keep hoping that person will come back. That person may come back periodically but the "bad" person will also show up to continue to pick at your soul, confidence and esteem.

[Angel1111]

He said that he hates your daughter? I would never be involved with someone who hated my flesh and blood. If he hates her and she is a part of you maybe he hates you.

 

He told her once that he could make her daughter disappear. That alone would've killed any feelings I ever had for him, right then and there. Any person who threatens my child has crossed a line - forever. There would be no taking that back, and there would no fixing it.

 

ssuzanness, he got your number because you probably didn't request that it remain private when it was issued. Either change your number again and make it private, or don't ever answer another text or call from him again. Personally, I'd change the number again. Stop trying to make sense of his texts - like him being mad about not being at your mom's when he hates your family. Look beyond the black-and-white and see what his words ALWAYS are about - which is, controlling you and making you feel bad through whatever means he can think of. Anybody with half a brain would not have even said what he said simply because of the condition you're relationship is in. Imagine being broken up with a guy and he is so done with you that he even goes to the extent of changing his phone number to avoid you. Yet you go to the extent of figuring out what his new number is and then beat him up about not inviting you to his family's for xmas. Do you see the insanity here???

Edited December 26, 2009 by Angel1111

[ssuzanness]

very much appreciated advice!!.....like BB07 stated...i think there is some sort of "sick addiction" i have to the ups and downs!!..My brain is so totally F-ed up that I don't know what it's like to feel "normal'!! There are times when i am so strong..and don't even care about anything about him....then there are the times (which is usually in the evening/night) that i miss him, the nice part, and want everything to be ok....so up and down it's crazy!!

it does help me to know you guys have gone through similar situations...and got over it...it does show me there is a light at the end of this dark, horribly long tunnel!.. I just have to be stong and believe that i can do it.......

BTW....he sent me a text this morning(after that huge ordeal last night)...I LOVE YOU. he really is crazy isn't he?

[Angel1111]

BTW....he sent me a text this morning(after that huge ordeal last night)...I LOVE YOU. he really is crazy isn't he?

 

Yes, he's crazy but he's also quite aware of what he's doing and he's very methodical about it. He has even caused you to lose a portion of your own sanity - and he did that deliberately. But fortunately you're aware enough to know you can recover. Yes, once you get past this relationship, you'll wonder how you could've ever felt anything for him. I'm so happy to be away from my ex, there are no words.

 

I'm just curious about one thing because I've never heard you comment on it. Why is it that you're able to excuse what he said to you about making your daughter disappear? I'm truly hung up on this and can't get past it in terms of why you would still have feelings for a person who said this to you. Just curious - what was your reaction when he said to you, "I can make your daughter disappear."

[ssuzanness]

I know it sounds crazy...the time he did say it i was going through an extremely difficult time with my daughter...she's 17. it was one of the times i left him....then the next day ..he stated that..he was so sorry, he didnt mean that. sometimes people say things that they don't mean when they are drunk/upset. ANYWAY...that was his excuse...I , at the time, believed it ...NOW...when i think about it..he was probably mad because i was devoting my time/attention to her,..not him...come to think about it..any time i give anyone attention besides him..he gets weird.......I just want/wanted to believe that he didn't mean it...it was just said in aggravation...BUT when i think of when i get mad/upset at him....I NEVER said anything mean about his kid, or his family....which believe me i could go on for hours about the dysfunction there...BUT i can't bring myself to do that....ugh!!..sorry i am rambeling...what the heck is wrong with me...any normal person would NEVER tolerate a comment like that...like you said..you would never have feelings for someone that said that....i think i'm crazy sometimes....

[Angel1111]

sorry i am rambeling...what the heck is wrong with me...any normal person would NEVER tolerate a comment like that...like you said..you would never have feelings for someone that said that....i think i'm crazy sometimes....

 

You're not crazy. You just allowed yourself to get lulled into his twisted way of thinking. Change your expectations about people and you'll start attracting different people in your life. Do not EVER expect anyone to say crazy things when they're drunk because this says that you expect to be with a guy who drinks and says abusive things. There is no excuse for this. Expect a normal, decent man in your life - reject anything else that doesn't resemble that picture.

 

To give you an example of how insane these guys are about attention, there was a time when both of my parents became ill and they were both dying, in separate hospitals. I was a basket-case, to say the least. I was so worried about my parents. My ex was acting so stupid and crazy that I asked a friend of his to find out what his deal was and emphasize to him that it needed to stop. She told me later that he was acting that way because he didn't like me not paying attention to him. He was actually relieved when my parents died. Once I recovered enough from my parents' death to deal with it, I left him. These men are completely and 100% all about themselves and nothing else. The situation with my parents showed me exactly what he was made of: nothing.

[ssuzanness]

:)thank you thank you again and again......

 

just got a text wanting me to come over to his mom's house.."everyone is over here and it's really fun"....

i'm not going.....although i have to say i was tempted....i am home alone and bored today....but i think i would regret it if i did....

[ssuzanness]

. Don't fool yourself about who and what he is.

 

that's one of my huge problems...especially when he sounds so nice...sometimes i think all will be ok with him.....EVEN THOUGH I KNOW BETTER...from you guys and all the reading i've done on the subject....then i second guess myself...."maybe he really isn't like the others...." i need to tell myself over and over and over again.....HE WILL NOT CHANGE!!......i just don't want to believe it............

[ssuzanness]

I BROKE NC!!! i know i shouldn't have....last night we rented a couple of movies, and i spent the night at the apt. all was nice and cuddley until in the middle of the night i rolled over bumped the curtains and they fell down. well you would have thought i just did something terrible....he said..mind you i'm half asleep...."thanks a lot baby..you knocked down my curtains! the next time you sleep over here you won't be allowed on that side of the bed (near the curtains)" I immediately got that horrible , icky feeling..the one i hadn't experienced in a few weeks.....i then layed there asking myself why? why ?

give it to me girls....i deserve some very tough love right now!!!!

[2sunny]

ay yay yay, well, just start again.

 

ask yourself why you don't deserve to be treated better than this.

 

you are the one who allows it - we can no longer blame him - it is your fault for letting him back in... is this all you ever expect for your life?

 

if not, then cut him out completely and stick with a solid boundary that keeps you happy, healthy and safe.

[freestyle]

ay yay yay, well, just start again.

 

ask yourself why you don't deserve to be treated better than this.

 

you are the one who allows it - we can no longer blame him - it is your fault for letting him back in... is this all you ever expect for your life?

 

if not, then cut him out completely and stick with a solid boundary that keeps you happy, healthy and safe.

 

 

and keeps your daughter safe...................never forget what he said......

[melindasian]

Dear Ssuzanness

I have spent 5 years coming and going with a man who has treated me from absolutely wonderful to so incredibly horrible. I have moved my daughter who is now 8 (not his biological child) in and out of his home. I too returned. He even promised to go to counselling. He did a six week behavioural course and thought that was it. I even ignored the psychologist when she said "he will never change"! So I KNOW exactly where you are right now. The reason you don't go NC is because you don't really want him gone - FOR NOW! Only for now. I have just left him after 5 years of that rollercoaster. It took him to hit me around and choke me this time for me to actually get it in my thick skull that I did not deserve this.

I have cried for about a week and now I can see the forest through the trees. The night I had to "get the f*&% out of his house", he told me that he hated his life with me, abused me verbally, physically, through my clothes out onto the pavement. I ran away and slept at a school nearby to return the next day. I slipped into an incredibly dark phase (which of course he did not appreciate). It took me a week to realise that this dysfunction is crap, and I NEVER wish to partake in it again. I am now organising a new home for my daughter and I and are ALREADY excited about the future. I am finally in the place to let go.

So what I am saying is that you may go through this at least another 20 times!!!! Before you have had enough. But consider the loss of YOU. I think when you are right in it (like where you are now) its damn hard to walk away and cut him off. Secretly you want him to want you and I think all this abuse makes us feel that that is good enough. I hope you are being strong. All I can say is that I wish I cut it off 4 years ago, when he reared his evil ugly self. Take care M.

PS. Forgot to say. What do you think he is doing now? That's right, saying he is "sorry" wanting to repair the damage. Bla Bla Bla. How I finally came to this decision is coz I have kept every email he has sent me asking for forgiveness, how much he loves me etc. How "he will change". Sometimes after my return, it has taken as little as 2 weeks to get "gee you sh*% me!". After I have removed my furniture (next week). He will be deleted, my phone number changed and I will never have anything to do with him again!!

Edited January 3, 2010 by melindasian
Forgot to say something else!

[ssuzanness]

Dear M, Wow..it is so amazing to me how similar your story is to mine...except it's been only one year. I am being strong. I have texted/talked a few times...and of course..one second he loves me so much...the next he is mean and rude!!! I will not move back in with him! I am enjoying NOT living there...and walking on eggshells feeling!!! I am going to counseling weekly. It does help.

You are doing amazing....i can't even imagine how hard it is after being together 5 yrs!!! be careful when you get your furniture. I hope you are bringing someone with you. I just left my furniture with him...i don't want it...it will remind me too much of being with him......AND it does surprise me...although i guess it shouldn't...that this is a world-wide problem...not just in the united States....stupid guys are everywhere i guess!! PLEASE keep in touch...all advice is helpful to me..s

[melindasian]

Glad to hear from you. You know its REALLY REALLY REALLY damn hard to let go. But after as I said at least 20 times of being sent packing (even though I may have digged my heels in on some occasions and not actually left) it took 5 years to work out I did not deserve it. Guess what he's doin now, he is posting on FB how he has joined this group "Anger management/controlling anger" and commented how he has been going about everything the "wrong way". Thing is, he has kinda gone through this phase when he knows I am probably over it and not coming back. But he ALWAYS goes back to the ugly person. It is ALWAYS looming. I sooo hope you can ride through the pain. Ride through the loss of him, of what you wanted him to be. Coz we do hang onto that don't we? All the good times, the times you looked into his eyes and believed. Well, 5 years on. I am now 45. Perhaps I could have spent the last 5 years with a sincere and compassionate soul. But I believe I have also made this CHOICE. We made the choice to stay. Yes the abuse makes us stay coz we don't think we will get any better out there. I think before we me these guys we did have low self esteem anyway, that's why all the charm in the beginning sucked us in so well, and then when it all goes to sh*^ we stick around coz we want to be loved.

I hear ya sister. Just keep reading these kinds of websites. It will make you strong. Hugsx

[ssuzanness]

For sure...we wanted to believe that he could be the "nice" guy ALL the time. But it never happened. I, too, am 45!! and that's probably another reason with me why i hung on. I start thinking i'm "too old" to start over....but it's better to start over or not be with someone than to be with someone that treats you like S**T!!! Did you read that book..."why does he do that? inside the minds of angry and controlling men" ? Another person here suggested it...i did read it and it was very helpful. the author is Lundy Bancroft. It helps explain a lot of stuff...of how we feel and why. the whole loving the feeling of being in love....that's a huge thing with me .....But i am trying very hard to stay away....which i pretty much have.....geesh!! you hang in there too!!! keep in touch...

[PinkToes]

I just read through this thread for the first time, and I'm wondering whether you changed your phone number again? You're the only one who can keep him from contacting you, which also gives you all the power in this situation. But you have to make that decision, and make it stick.

 

And if you still have moments when you miss him, remember what my best friend told me once, when I was really missing someone I had loved:

 

REMEMBER HOW IT REALLY WAS.

 

No what ifs, if onlys, remember whens..... You were in a very bad, dangerous situation. You deserve better.

[ssuzanness]

thanks pink toes...i did not change my number again...but even if i do ..he doesn't live far from me...right now...and has the land line number....so...idk...i do need to:

REMEMBER HOW IT WAS!!

if he doesn't contact me on my cell..i think he'll come over here....and he's not afraid of restraining orders....he could care less about jail time..as he has already done time in prision..(11 years ago...he was in for 3 yrs...burglery)...so......things just suck right now....

[PinkToes]

Well I know you're really struggling with this, and I know it's hard to cut things off completely. You do know that's the next step you need to take, right? But it won't happen until you're ready. From all you've read, I know you realize that this sort of behavior nearly always gets worse over time.

 

So until you're ready to make a clean break, please do this: Please write down the number of the national domestic violence hot line -- it's 1-800-799-7233 -- and keep it with you all the time.

 

You can call them now, today, and they will help you make a plan. Or you can keep the number until you're feeling desperate or in danger. Because that is more than likely where this is headed.

 

Now would be better, of course. But you have to make that decision for yourself. It's OK to call and just tell them you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, and you don't know what to do. They will help you sort it out.

[ssuzanness]

thank you very much...i really really appreciate it......fyi..just got a text last night that said.." i love you wish we could have worked out".......do you think he's done now??i haven't heard anyhing since...??

[ssuzanness]

i haven't and i won't respond...although tempted, i will admit...i won't....this process sure goes on longer than i thought...i know it is partially my fault cause i let stuff happen..ie..texting,seeing, and calling him.....but i'm being strong..i keep reading what you and everyone is telling me...thx!!

[PinkToes]

Unfortunately, it will go on as long as he has any way of getting in touch with you. That's just the sad reality. Stay strong.

[Angel1111]

Unfortunately, it will go on as long as he has any way of getting in touch with you. That's just the sad reality. Stay strong.

 

No, it won't. He'll eventually get sick of the game. She's just making it harder on herself by being reachable. My ex called me at 2am one morning on my office phone and left a message (because he didn't have any other number) and told me he had been fired from his job and said, "I guess you're happy now." When I got to work a couple of days later, I listened to the message. He was so incredibly drunk that I didn't even know who it was at first and almost deleted it. Then I realized it was him. I could barely understand what he was saying. No, I wasn't happy that he lost his job, I just didn't care. These men are so stupid.

Edited January 18, 2010 by Angel1111

[PinkToes]

No, it won't. He'll eventually get sick of the game.

 

Unless an abuser actually recognizes the problem and gets help, or finds someone else to abuse, or is cut off entirely from the victim, he probably isn't going to go away. The pattern of behavior will nearly always continue in whatever atmosphere most easily sustains it.