pureinheart Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 this is so hard. i am in the middle of ending my 1yr relationship with my emotionally abusive boyfriend. he does keep trying to call me. if i don't answer he sends texts that he know will upset me, or leaves me mean voice mails. i do feel sad though, i feel as if i do love him. but in the one yr that we were together, 7 months we lived together, during the seven months, i left him 7 times!! but then he always lured me back, saying he was sorry, he loves me so much , he never loved anyone like he loves me, wants to grow old with me ....blah! blah! blah! of course i fell for it. but not this time...i have been away for a month. i have seen him a few times....but each time he gives me ultimatiums, or says he'll get another girl in 2 seconds if i contine to be away from him. UGH!! a reader reccommened that i read a book..."why does he do that?"inside the minds of angry and controlling men. by:Lundy Bancroft. It is helping me...so i highly reccommend it to anyone who is going through any kind of abusive realitionship!! so hang in there everyone...i am trying too!![/QUOTE] I just got through reading that book...and others, but that one in particular fit my ex's profile to a tee...I was shocked at first, as I was with the other books that told a story of abuse....my story...and this book put all of the missing pieces together....finally the answers. It is called "Traumatic Bonding" and it is sick, it is a form of mind control used on kidnap victims. You keep hoping he will get better, but he won't....this type of abuse is engrained and could take years of councelling....they are mean and cruel...the older they get they perfect these abusive techniques...you feel like you are loosing your mind....but it is not you, it never was you. I hope you keep trying, don't give up on getting this individual out of your life and I am doing the same for me...isn't it nice not having your mind twisted into a pretzel.... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 For the record these abusers do not have a clue as to what love is....they are unable to even spell or pronounce it correctly....it's about control.... Link to post Share on other sites
EmptyPromises Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 i am trying to leave an abusive relationship as well...your thread really made me realize alot of things...i wasted 2 years on a coward. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 block his number. simple - then no more manipulations and chaos from him. you have just been given a huge gift by NOT ending up with him. his behavior looks like that of an alcoholic or an addict. such huge mood and emotional swings. it's a way of manipulating the truth - it's exhausting at best. be grateful you got out... don't go back... block all contact including his sister. Link to post Share on other sites
icecubee Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 After some research the past 2 weeks I also feel like I was/am in an emotional abusive and controlling relationship. Stay strong ssuzanness! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ssuzanness Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 you are all SO HELPFUL!! i would never have been able to stay away as long as i have from him without all your advice and reccommended readings!! i do feel like i get stronger each day....anyone who is in a relationship like this does need to get out....my head even feels better...i don't get that "icky" feeling in my stomach every day......I just finished reading the book that was previously mentioned..."WHY DOES HE SO THAT?"..INSIDE THE MINDS OF ANGRY AND CONTROLLING MEN. it was so helpful! i recommended to anyone that is going through this....i got mine at BORDERS.COM if anyone is wondering...... staying stong!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ssuzanness Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 "you have just been given a huge gift by NOT ending up with him. his behavior looks like that of an alcoholic or an addict. such huge mood and emotional swings. it's a way of manipulating the truth - it's exhausting at best." BTW.....he does drink a lot...and when he does he does cocaine....which he used MY money for....so.....on top of the emotional abuse..the drinking/drugs doesn't help his brain chemistry!! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 "you have just been given a huge gift by NOT ending up with him. his behavior looks like that of an alcoholic or an addict. such huge mood and emotional swings. it's a way of manipulating the truth - it's exhausting at best." BTW.....he does drink a lot...and when he does he does cocaine....which he used MY money for....so.....on top of the emotional abuse..the drinking/drugs doesn't help his brain chemistry!! i had a feeling... it's always obvious. stay far, far away!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Here's another link to a helpful site. It also has several links within it. (one-stop shopping, I guess....) It sounds like you're getting a little stronger all the time. Keep that forward momentum going!! http://stoptherollercoaster.blogspot.com/ *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Author ssuzanness Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 ugh!! weak moment...he invited me over for dinner...gut said no...i told him i don't think it is a good idea....then he said fine...don't talk to me ever again...i'll find someone else to have dinner with! geesh!! i know ....i will change number.....now he just left a vm sayihg never talk to me again...we are NOT friends we are NOTHING!!..have a nice life good bye......is is mad because i "turned him down"...whatever Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 ugh!! weak moment...he invited me over for dinner...gut said no...i told him i don't think it is a good idea....then he said fine...don't talk to me ever again...i'll find someone else to have dinner with! geesh!! i know ....i will change number.....now he just left a vm sayihg never talk to me again...we are NOT friends we are NOTHING!!..have a nice life good bye......is is mad because i "turned him down"...whatever block it- or just don't answer his calls! better yet - call him now and tell him "do not contact me again" this will give you your power back - making it perfectly clear to him where he stands. do not give in to his hissy fits and manipulations, which is also another form of control on his part. you are inviting negative, nasty behavior to be around you every time you correspond with him, are you ready to stop now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ssuzanness Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 I DID IT!!! i changed my number.....a part of me feels bad, sad, mean for doing it...but the other part says its the right thing to do !! Link to post Share on other sites
lostinthesupermarket Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Congratulations Suzanne, well done! I'd recommend getting plenty of contact with sane, supportive people in your life and coming online to talk about it all to your friends here as much as you need to. This way you will be filling the gap left by leaving his dramas behind with something healthier, and you won't be tempted to check in with him so much. You can't really help him, in fact he's trying to shift his own responsibility for his life onto you IMO, and he's certainly not helping you, or bringing all the postive things into your life that a bf should bring. You need to be strong, stay away from him and take care of yourself. Good luck, you can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ssuzanness Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 thanks....this is hard..but "talking" to all of you on here is quite helpful. Everyone is giving me such helpful information....i check everyday for info/advice!!..thx again everyone. it does help to to know that i am not the only one that has/is going through this. and knowing that people that have gone through it already are so much better now!!...it gives me hope!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ssuzanness Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 anytime i feel like contacting him.....i read all of the messages on here over and over!!! Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 I've been with a alcoholic for 4 yrs. My BF is now in recovery and doing well, but has many issues still to face like some emotional abuse and mind games. What I've learned from AA and Al Anon is this is the mind of a sick person, so I stuck it out. Had I been smart enough years ago, I would not have ever dated an addict He's working hard on his recovery but it will take YEARS for him to get to any sort of normal behaviour. It's a good thing you are not going back. Trust me, it's not pretty! And you never said how he abused you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ssuzanness Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 (edited) red devil....he did many things....mind games, his way or no way at all, does not accept any other opinion than his, twisted around things i said to make me think i was the one that was wrong or crazy, would sulk if i wanted to spend time with my family, hit me a couple of times, sex at HIS request only, said he would have my daughter killed or my sister hurt in a "mysterious" car accident....the list goes on and gives me a stomach ache when i think of it.....then the thing is is that after he said any of these things he would say how sorry he was he didn'tmean it...he loves me SO much ..he loves me more than anyone....i left him 7 times before i have left this last time.....in the course of 7 months....ugh!! but the times when he was nice...he was so nice...loving..and wonderful...i think thats why its so hard to leave...i keep hoping for the nice bf to be there all the time.... i've tried to stick it out....but in doing so i had lost myself...just doing anything and everything to please him and not him get angry or say mean things....everyday was exactly like "walking on egg shells" Edited December 21, 2009 by ssuzanness Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 red devil....he did many things....mind games, his way or no way at all, does not accept any other opinion than his, twisted around things i said to make me think i was the one that was wrong or crazy, would sulk if i wanted to spend time with my family, hit me a couple of times, sex at HIS request only, said he would have my daughter killed or my sister hurt in a "mysterious" car accident....the list goes on and gives me a stomach ache when i think of it.....then the thing is is that after he said any of these things he would say how sorry he was he didn'tmean it...he loves me SO much ..he loves me more than anyone....i left him 7 times before i have left this last time.....in the course of 7 months....ugh!! He's in pain, and needs to hit his bottom Stay away and heal yourself. The twisting things around is very scary and my BF does this as well, doesn't realize he's doing it, but he does and it's really scary! I'm glad you decided to leave Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 I DID IT!!! i changed my number.....a part of me feels bad, sad, mean for doing it...but the other part says its the right thing to do !! wooo hoooo!!! good going! freedom! freedom from all the negative, nasty manipulations! what a huge step for you... stay strong. does it feel as though you have your power back? you took control and made a positive move in the forward direction! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ssuzanness Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 it's hard 2sunny...i sometimes feel like i want to text him...see how he is doing...and giving him my new number in case he needs anything....BUT i haven't....trying hard to stay strong!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 it's hard 2sunny...i sometimes feel like i want to text him...see how he is doing...and giving him my new number in case he needs anything....BUT i haven't....trying hard to stay strong!!! Good God, don't do that!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ssuzanness Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 thanks girls....so far so good...will not give in...it is especially hard with the holidays...i feel bad,sad....but i know being with him is not good!! he did find me on yahoo messenger..and was messaging me that way....asking why i changed my number...i didn't answer....even after he said a bunch of stuff about loving me, missing me....etc...ugh!! i do miss him..but i miss the NICE guy part...and unfortunately that was only 25% of the time.... ...thanks for helping me ...i need it...all of you!! i am going to consuling too!! so the combination of this and counseling should help me stay strong!! Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 That just goes to show you that he will never stop trying to call you. If you crack and he gets your phone number, then you've defeated everything you've done. Also, either get off of any type of instant messaging or block him. I know a lot of people think it's fun, but instant messaging just tells a guy that you're available anytime and that's the wrong message to send. The only thing you're missing with him with the holidays is more abuse and put-downs. Remember him for the person he is, not the person you wish he was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ssuzanness Posted December 23, 2009 Author Share Posted December 23, 2009 thanks much....all of you....i'm hanging in there....i just want the pain in my heart to go away....my head KNOWS it's right...but my heart still feels sorry for him, wants to help him,...all in timethis will go away....RIGHT?? Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 thanks much....all of you....i'm hanging in there....i just want the pain in my heart to go away....my head KNOWS it's right...but my heart still feels sorry for him, wants to help him,...all in timethis will go away....RIGHT?? As a veteran of several broken hearts, yes, it will go away. You need to go through your grieving process first. Let it out. If you can, take one of your days off, grab a stack of sad movies, a couple boxes of kleenex, a couple pints of ice cream, and indulge yourself in a sobfest. Let yourself cry all day long. It can be a very cathartic experience. If you grant yourself a couple of days like that, you'll find yourself less likely to cry at the drop of a hat. Allow yourself to feel sad. Allow yourself to feel angry. Which is likely going to replace the sadness, after you've purged it . When the tears have cleansed your eyes, you'll begin to see more clearly. You'll get angry. Pissed. Furious at the way you were treated. You will see the abuse for what it is (was!!). And it's okay to be angry when you've been mistreated...............Just try to remember not to take up permanent residence in Angrytown, it's not much fun. I do believe it's essential to spend some time there before you can rebuild your self-esteem.......... If you look at this a certain way, even though this was a horrible experience for you, you could come out of this stronger than you ever were before. You can take the wisdom gained from this to learn about yourself. You can learn to set healthy boundaries, and be on more equal footing in your next relationship. It's all up to you........................... *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
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