dating someone with a roommate of the opposite sex

[Stockalone]

The entire situation screams of "needy".

 

If not wanting a woman I date to have a male roommate makes me needy and controlling, so be it. I see it more as knowing what I can't or won't deal with. I think that is better than pretending to be cool with the situation when I am not. I am just being honest about that.

 

Besides, you do realize that you do the same thing by calling people needy, don't you?

 

You have different views and make a judgment call based on just glancing at the situation and relying on your own past experience instead of questioning the reasoning that lead to the situation you are judging. I don't mind that, it's just funny IMO.

 

It's the same thing with multi-dating. I don't date women who multi-date. People have called me needy, because in their opinion, I obviously can't handle the competition. I always have a good laugh when I hear that. Why would I even want to compete in a game I don't want to play?

 

I don't have a problem admitting that I can appear needy. It's just that I don't think of it as being needy. I do what I feel is right, I honestly don't care how that makes me look.

 

Personally, I would consider it needy if I pretended to be okay with being treated like an option among many when I am not. And I also don't see that as controlling. If the woman I date doesn't like it, that's fine.

 

 

But if it is making one wonder before they get to know the person and the situation, they already have insecurities.

 

Sure, people have insecurities and prejudices. I don't see the problem with that though. People limit their dating pool all the time.

 

I much rather not take a chance on someone than run the risk of repeating a previous mistake. Is that fair to the new woman that she is also judged based on my past experiences? No, it is not. But I don't loose sleep over it. We all do what seems right to us. After all, I only limit my own dating pool by doing so.

 

Why should a roommate situation be different than other things. I also don't think that you have a male roommate will limit your dating pool much. Most guys probably won't care.

 

Also, would it bother you if a guy said thanks, but no thanks as soon as he is aware of your situation. Shouldn't you rather be pleased that you dodged a bullet there as such a guy is not compatible with you anyway?

 

 

Would a guy rather date me living with a girl that I don't get along well with (which will leave me in a distasteful mood often, since it is my home life) or a guy I get along with on a roommate/friend level.

 

Nobody said you have to live with a roommate that makes you miserable. But don't you think it's a bit too much to ask that everybody has the same views and be okay with the same things.

 

I don't think that is what you intended. But I am not sure why it would bother you that a guy is uncomfortable with you having a male roommate. Live and let live, accept incompatible views about life and move on.

[dreamergrl]

 

Nobody said you have to live with a roommate that makes you miserable. But don't you think it's a bit too much to ask that everybody has the same views and be okay with the same things.

 

I never asked everyone to share my views. Just a simple discussion.

 

I don't think that is what you intended. But I am not sure why it would bother you that a guy is uncomfortable with you having a male roommate. Live and let live, accept incompatible views about life and move on.

 

It would bother me if a guy judged me based on past experiences. I'm not the past. The right guy for me (if he is in fact bothered by me having a male roommate) would get to know me and look at the situation before coming to conclusions. But that's just me.

[jerseyboy]

I never asked everyone to share my views. Just a simple discussion.

 

 

 

It would bother me if a guy judged me based on past experiences. I'm not the past. The right guy for me (if he is in fact bothered by me having a male roommate) would get to know me and look at the situation before coming to conclusions. But that's just me.

 

 

Out of curiousity

 

Would it bother you if your bf were taking trips with female friends, say a week in the Tropics, or a cruise, at a time you were unable to attend?

[dreamergrl]

Out of curiousity

 

Would it bother you if your bf were taking trips with female friends, say a week in the Tropics, or a cruise, at a time you were unable to attend?

 

 

It would depend on a lot of things. If I knew the females, if they were sharing a room, how the boyfriend interacts with the girls on a normal level.

[dreamergrl]

Also, was this trip planned before he was my boyfriend?

[jerseyboy]

It would depend on a lot of things. If I knew the females, if they were sharing a room, how the boyfriend interacts with the girls on a normal level.

 

 

Sharing a room matters?

 

Ok he has a seperate room.

 

Youve met them. Theyve never demonstrated anything untoward in your presence

 

They are attractive, but he says he doesnt wish to sleep with them

 

And no it wasnt planned beforehand

[Stockalone]

I never asked everyone to share my views. Just a simple discussion.

 

Okay then.

 

 

It would bother me if a guy judged me based on past experiences. I'm not the past. The right guy for me (if he is in fact bothered by me having a male roommate) would get to know me and look at the situation before coming to conclusions. But that's just me.

 

That assumes that the roommate is bothering the guy because of past experiences, which might not be the case.

 

Then again, the reason why he doesn't like it is unimportant. It might even be beneficial to have a male roommate then. You get along better with a male roommate and you can weed out the guys who aren't right for you early on.

 

I also understand your POV, though I don't share it. In my experience, people see only what they want to see. I do that too, but I am a pessimist. Hence, I try to avoid repeating a mistake at all costs. I don't like being outside my comfort zone.

 

If you aren't subject to such restrictions, that's great.

[dreamergrl]

Sharing a room matters?

 

Ok he has a seperate room.

 

Youve met them. Theyve never demonstrated anything untoward in your presence

 

They are attractive, but he says he doesnt wish to sleep with them

 

And no it wasnt planned beforehand

 

Yeah, that would bother me. It was planned after me, so I'd question why it couldn't be planned when I could go.

 

Yes, sharing a room would bother me. I find sharing a room with the opposite sex when you have an SO disrespectful. I wouldn't not share a room with other guys, especially if I have a boyfriend.

 

My living situation came first. I have a roommate because it makes my life affordable and I am able to obtain my goals this way. I have a male roommate because I don't live well with females. I don't think it's comparable to going on a vacation. For me, it seems different. I also wouldn't go on a vacation with a few guys if I have a boyfriend. Actually it's not likely I'd go with guys period.

[dreamergrl]

Okay then.

 

 

 

 

That assumes that the roommate is bothering the guy because of past experiences, which might not be the case.

 

Agreed. I would like to know why it bothers him, if it does. Sometimes sharing the reason behind it can resolve the issue at hand.

 

Then again, the reason why he doesn't like it is unimportant. It might even be beneficial to have a male roommate then. You get along better with a male roommate and you can weed out the guys who aren't right for you early on.

 

Well, I also look at it as I wont have a roommate forever. I have a time line set out for my goals.

 

I also understand your POV, though I don't share it. In my experience, people see only what they want to see. I do that too, but I am a pessimist. Hence, I try to avoid repeating a mistake at all costs. I don't like being outside my comfort zone.

 

If you aren't subject to such restrictions, that's great.

 

I guess, for me, I spent too much time worrying about repeating the past that I found myself making some situations out to be more then they were. I try to be more objective now when looking at things. I don't want to lose out because I'm scared of something happening again.

[jerseyboy]

Yeah, that would bother me. It was planned after me, so I'd question why it couldn't be planned when I could go.

 

Yes, sharing a room would bother me. I find sharing a room with the opposite sex when you have an SO disrespectful. I wouldn't not share a room with other guys, especially if I have a boyfriend.

 

My living situation came first. I have a roommate because it makes my life affordable and I am able to obtain my goals this way. I have a male roommate because I don't live well with females. I don't think it's comparable to going on a vacation. For me, it seems different. I also wouldn't go on a vacation with a few guys if I have a boyfriend. Actually it's not likely I'd go with guys period.

 

I was asking the question not to establish a comparable level of acceptance, but to determine boundaries.

 

The problem primarily I think, as I mentioned initially, is about where her boundaries are. Not in relation to having sex outside the relationship, because if shes that honest then there really isnt much to discuss if the answer is yes I intend to do so.

 

Its about how much is this person going to do whatever the hell they please and expect me to carry and accept that baggage under the heading "but Im not going to do anything"

 

I just think your failure to appreciate why it would bug someone in light of your rationalziation, all of which I believe, is the issue. And someone presenting it to me as their right to do so (ie I shouldnt have an issue with it) would bother me more than the living situation.

 

Past is prologue.

 

For the record I did date someone who was still living with her ex, seperate bedrooms, when we met. Continued to do so for about 4 months into the relationship. I had no bad experiences with that, aside from the usual roommmate and ex drama.

 

 

But she, and the situation, were exceptional to me.

[dreamergrl]

So I'm rationalizing why it's okay for me to have a male roommate? I think not. I would not expect my boyfriend (if I have one) to accept anything I wouldn't accept.

 

I've already stated I have boundaries, and I have kicked a guy out for crossing them. But if I have a good roommate, that I get along with (aside from the normal roommate banter), doesn't cross any boundaries, in which I have no attraction for, why is it my issue that a guy has a problem with it? I've stated that I'm more the willing to talk about it with the guy if it is an issue to find out why. If it's his insecurities from past experiences, I can't change that for him. It's not my responsibility. If he can't handle that, then he's not the right one for me.

 

If no boundaries are being crossed, to me, I don't see why it would bother a guy. If he got to know me and was around enough, he'd be able to see there's nothing to worry about. If he's not willing to do that, I can't change that.

 

I have to be happy with my own life first, before being happy with a guy. And I'm making my home life happy for me.

[jerseyboy]

So I'm rationalizing why it's okay for me to have a male roommate? I think not. I would not expect my boyfriend (if I have one) to accept anything I wouldn't accept.

 

I've already stated I have boundaries, and I have kicked a guy out for crossing them. But if I have a good roommate, that I get along with (aside from the normal roommate banter), doesn't cross any boundaries, in which I have no attraction for, why is it my issue that a guy has a problem with it? I've stated that I'm more the willing to talk about it with the guy if it is an issue to find out why. If it's his insecurities from past experiences, I can't change that for him. It's not my responsibility. If he can't handle that, then he's not the right one for me.

 

If no boundaries are being crossed, to me, I don't see why it would bother a guy. If he got to know me and was around enough, he'd be able to see there's nothing to worry about. If he's not willing to do that, I can't change that.

 

I have to be happy with my own life first, before being happy with a guy. And I'm making my home life happy for me.

 

 

Pure curiousity

 

Guy meets you

 

Ha sa roommate, they leave soon after, and he takes on a female roommmate

 

Issue or no issue?

[jerseyboy]

Also Ive repeatedly addressed our differences with respect to boundaries in this discussion.

 

I get it. You dont sleep with other men or let them hit on you etc.

 

Thats not what was being discussed.

[dreamergrl]

Pure curiousity

 

Guy meets you

 

Ha sa roommate, they leave soon after, and he takes on a female roommmate

 

Issue or no issue?

 

No issue. Like I'd expect that my boyfriend would want to take priority over the roommate, I'd expect the same. I'd expect that there'd be boundaries, like I have. I'd expect to meet her and all that stuff.

[Stockalone]

Agreed. I would like to know why it bothers him, if it does. Sometimes sharing the reason behind it can resolve the issue at hand.

 

Agreed. In some cases, I couldn't even tell you what my problem is though. In regards to the roommate, it simply doesn't feel right and though many have tried, I was never convinced otherwise.

 

 

I guess, for me, I spent too much time worrying about repeating the past that I found myself making some situations out to be more then they were. I try to be more objective now when looking at things. I don't want to lose out because I'm scared of something happening again.

 

In my interactions with men, I rely on my instincts and gut feeling. That works just fine that way.

 

However, with women, my gut feeling is basically useless. I can't read women. That is why I rely heavily on past experiences and when in doubt, I rather go with the less risky option. I always got burned when I left my comfort zone.

[jw90063]

 

I just think your failure to appreciate why it would bug someone in light of your rationalziation, all of which I believe, is the issue. And someone presenting it to me as their right to do so (ie I shouldnt have an issue with it) would bother me more than the living situation.

 

OP, you don't seem to accept that others may not approve of their dating partner living with someone of the opposite sex. Do you seriously not understand why it could bother someone if the person they dated lived with the opposite sex?

 

From your responses, I take it you are currently having an issue with a guy over your living arrangements. I don't think anything anyone says on LS is going to make you understand how some people feel over such a situation. You don't seem to reason with anyone here or their preferences. So yes, why continue to make an ordeal over it.

Edited November 26, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dreamergrl]

Agreed. In some cases, I couldn't even tell you what my problem is though. In regards to the roommate, it simply doesn't feel right and though many have tried, I was never convinced otherwise.

 

I think I can relate to this. Not in the roommate sense, but the idea of not knowing why something bothers me, it just does. Kind of like what you are saying?

 

 

In my interactions with men, I rely on my instincts and gut feeling. That works just fine that way.

However, with women, my gut feeling is basically useless. I can't read women. That is why I rely heavily on past experiences and when in doubt, I rather go with the less risky option. I always got burned when I left my comfort zone.

 

This makes sense! I think my gut feeling used to be useless to me at one point. I'd confuse it with anxiety and insecurity.

 

You are right though, sometimes you have to rely on past experiences, and perhaps doing it this way, you can relate the outcome to what your gut was saying, and see if it matches up? Ugh I don't think that made any sense. I'm not quite sure how to word what I'm trying to say

[SoulSearch_CO]

Girls would it bother you if the guy you were starting to date had a female roommate?

I wouldn't be incredibly comfortable with it, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker. I'd have to see the interplay between the two of them, first. "Romantic" cues are pretty easy to pick up between two people. If they have more of a brother/sister vibe, then there's nothing to worry about.

[Ody]

Let me take a different angle. How do these roommate issues come up?

 

1 -Is BF just coming out and saying "I don't like that you have a guy roommate." Or perhaps being weirdly passive aggressive or something to give other visible signs?

 

2 - GF is bringing it up "Hey babe are you sure you're OK with my guy roommate?"

 

 

 

For #1 -guy needs to man up and keep his concerns to himself, evaluate the situation and decide if he trusts GF fully or not and then stick with that decision. If he decides it's all good then it should no longer be an issue. If instead after some amount of time he thinks GF has a thing for her roommate he should probably just bail not whine about it.

 

For #2 - why would GF ask this if there are no visible signs? Can only create drama.

 

 

Same applies with genders reversed.

[dreamergrl]

I wouldn't be incredibly comfortable with it, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker. I'd have to see the interplay between the two of them, first. "Romantic" cues are pretty easy to pick up between two people. If they have more of a brother/sister vibe, then there's nothing to worry about.

 

Well you know how me and my roommate are You've witnessed it first hand

[dreamergrl]

Let me take a different angle. How do these roommate issues come up?

 

1 -Is BF just coming out and saying "I don't like that you have a guy roommate." Or perhaps being weirdly passive aggressive or something to give other visible signs?

 

2 - GF is bringing it up "Hey babe are you sure you're OK with my guy roommate?"

 

 

 

For #1 -guy needs to man up and keep his concerns to himself, evaluate the situation and decide if he trusts GF fully or not and then stick with that decision. If he decides it's all good then it should no longer be an issue. If instead after some amount of time he thinks GF has a thing for her roommate he should probably just bail not whine about it.

 

For #2 - why would GF ask this if there are no visible signs? Can only create drama.

 

 

Same applies with genders reversed.

 

Interesting twist.

 

What if (and this is completely hypothetical) you can notice you're SO is bugged. I mean, if he/she is more quiet around the roommate, or maybe more defensive or possessive then normal. Sometimes you can tell when someone is uncomfortable around another person. Yet your SO never says anything. Do you then bring it up? Or give it some time?

[SoulSearch_CO]

Well you know how me and my roommate are You've witnessed it first hand

And that's exactly the dynamic I had in mind when I was thinking about it. LOL No danger for romantic involvement, IMO.

[Yukikazi]

Having just moved from living alone to living with 4 others (1 being a girl) I wouldn't have a problem with it. Anyone that wants to date me better not have a problem with the fact that I live with a girl and actually share the bathroom with her. If she has a problem.. she can get over it or go home.

[dreamergrl]

And that's exactly the dynamic I had in mind when I was thinking about it. LOL No danger for romantic involvement, IMO.

 

So..hypothetically speaking.. if a guy I was dating had an issue with it, how would you react, knowing how me and my roomie are lol

[Ody]

Interesting twist.

 

What if (and this is completely hypothetical) you can notice you're SO is bugged. I mean, if he/she is more quiet around the roommate, or maybe more defensive or possessive then normal. Sometimes you can tell when someone is uncomfortable around another person. Yet your SO never says anything. Do you then bring it up? Or give it some time?

 

Good question. Luckily one I will never have to deal with because I have no roommate and doubt I ever will again.

 

I guess give it a little time, a couple of months or whatever. Could vary more or less depending on the level of the agitation.

 

Really though I have no good answer, if I'm that serious about a woman that we're monogamous and planning vacations together and I know her roommate and such then I'm probably looking to cohabitate anyway so it kind of becomes a moot point. If we're not that serious yet I just don't care about the roommate and don't care if she's bothered by my (imaginary) roommate.