dating someone with a roommate of the opposite sex

[Els]

I have no problems with it.

 

A girl who is dressing up to hang out in clubs with her gf every week

 

I hope you don't go to clubs as well, then?

 

A girl that lives with physiscally attractive males, and constantly has their friends as well being entertained and paraded in the house.

 

Ah, so if they aren't 'physiscally' attractive, it's all fine and good? And... they 'parade' their friends in the house?

[dreamergrl]

I banged a roommate once.

 

Then it would be a flag for someone dating you. That doesn't equate to everyone who has a roommate of the opposite sex.

[Ody]

Then it would be a flag for someone dating you. That doesn't equate to everyone who has a roommate of the opposite sex.

 

You asked for opinions. I'm not trying to hide the personal slant.

 

Have observed similar drama among other roommate situations. My own experience just kind of "drove it home".

[New Again]

I banged a roommate once.

 

Something like this I would want to know if you simply "just banged a roommate" or if you two actually dated, how it ended, etc.

 

But I'm guessing that all or most of the people here who are saying having roommates of the opposite sex is a relevant factor when deciding whether or not to date someone have had some kind of issue with a gf/bf/love interest/whomever banging or dating a roommate.

[jerseyboy]

I have no problems with it.

 

 

 

I hope you don't go to clubs as well, then?

 

 

 

Ah, so if they aren't 'physiscally' attractive, it's all fine and good? And... they 'parade' their friends in the house?

 

 

LOL

 

In my mid thirties if I was hanging out in clubs every weekend, I wouldnt date me:)

 

And yes ugly people are fine:)

[Ody]

Something like this I would want to know if you simply "just banged a roommate" or if you two actually dated, how it ended, etc.

 

It's all about the subtext.

[dreamergrl]

You asked for opinions. I'm not trying to hide the personal slant.

 

Have observed similar drama among other roommate situations. My own experience just kind of "drove it home".

 

I know I asked for opinions. I'm just saying that because one person banged their roommate, doesn't mean the next will.

[New Again]

It's all about the subtext.

 

Pretty much...and it's really only relevant if you currently are living with people of the opposite sex.... imagine if it were the same girl.

[jw90063]

I think in order to have a roommate of opposite sex, there needs to be NO chemistry or attraction what so ever with each other. If you are attracted to the person, things can happen. I'm pretty sure this guy I knew who had a girl roommate, slept with her. He said they didn't date, but based on some things he said, I was pretty sure.

[Ody]

I know I asked for opinions. I'm just saying that because one person banged their roommate, doesn't mean the next will.

 

Yes, this is why it is a flag for me, not a dealbreaker.

 

Perhaps I misuse the word flag. What I meant is that I would pay a little more attention. Not say anything, or worry, but be aware - I would try not to fall asleep at the wheel. Is that what flag is supposed to mean here?

 

Additionally to the sex there is also plenty of drama regarding roommates that doesn't end in sex but is still unhealthy. Unrequited love, weird toothbrush disagreements, who didn't put away the dishes, etc. It all gets magnified when young (or youngish) people of sexually compatible genders are mixed in. Best not to fall asleep at the wheel.

[northstar1]

I had two female roomates for a year in Univ. One had mono for most of the year and the other ate everyone else's food all the time and had the personal hygeine of a dung beetle. No chance of hanky panky that year.

[New Again]

I know I asked for opinions. I'm just saying that because one person banged their roommate, doesn't mean the next will.

 

Just like not everyone's a cheater...but when there are certain factors (like maybe being friends with an ex), people are going to want more details; it's something they are going to pay attention to, because there is the possibility of it being an issue.

 

I have at least two horror stories off the top of my head (and I know I could think of many more): in one case my (now ex) bf cheated on me with his female roommate.

 

My current bf has hooked up with more than one roommate...and I don't know all the details of those cases, but I know a lot about the most recent case, and what a nightmare it was to get rid of her after things went south. :laugh:And he couldn't bring any other girls home for MONTHS because this other girl wouldn't leave, and she was causing drama. I was extremely wary of dating bf when I heard about the details of this situation.

[dreamergrl]

Just like not everyone's a cheater...but when there are certain factors (like maybe being friends with an ex), people are going to want more details; it's something they are going to pay attention to, because there is the possibility of it being an issue.

 

I have at least two horror stories off the top of my head (and I know I could think of many more): in one case my (now ex) bf cheated on me with his female roommate.

 

My current bf has hooked up with more than one roommate...and I don't know all the details of those cases, but I know a lot about the most recent case, and what a nightmare it was to get rid of her after things went south. :laugh:And he couldn't bring any other girls home for MONTHS because this other girl wouldn't leave, and she was causing drama. I was extremely wary of dating bf when I heard about the details of this situation.

 

 

Well there's always a possibility of something going wrong no matter who you date. If I based my opinion of a new guy based on my past experiences, I'd never date

[New Again]

Well there's always a possibility of something going wrong no matter who you date. If I based my opinion of a new guy based on my past experiences, I'd never date

 

I don't think anyone has said that they form their opinion on someone based on the sex of their roommates.

 

What everyone (most everyone) is saying is that it's a factor they notice and take into consideration based on other information they receive in regards to that topic, issue, flag, whatever you want to call it and whatever it is to you.

[dreamergrl]

I don't think anyone has said that they form their opinion on someone based on the sex of their roommates.

 

What everyone (most everyone) is saying is that it's a factor they notice and take into consideration based on other information they receive in regards to that topic, issue, flag, whatever you want to call it and whatever it is to you.

 

I get that.. I was making a joke.

 

But seriously though..

Some people had previous bad experiences with this or that, and it sends red flags up to them. Whether it be roommates, cheaters, liars, ect ect. There are many people who project those bad experiences onto the next person. Whether think something bad will happen in a certain situation, use your bad experience to watch for actual reason to be distrustful. Look at the whole picture. Everyone's situations are different. Like MM for example.

[New Again]

I get that.. I was making a joke.

 

But seriously though..

Some people had previous bad experiences with this or that, and it sends red flags up to them. Whether it be roommates, cheaters, liars, ect ect. There are many people who project those bad experiences onto the next person. Whether think something bad will happen in a certain situation, use your bad experience to watch for actual reason to be distrustful. Look at the whole picture. Everyone's situations are different. Like MM for example.

I've been up since 4am, I didn't get it.

 

You're absolutely right, I do think that people's perceptions of what flags, etc. are are colored by their own experiences. I think only the most extreme people would completely discount someone based on a lot of those things though.

[dreamergrl]

I've been up since 4am, I didn't get it.

 

I've had a lot of coffee, it probably was only funny in my head

 

You're absolutely right, I do think that people's perceptions of what flags, etc. are are colored by their own experiences. I think only the most extreme people would completely discount someone based on a lot of those things though.

 

I think most would not discount a person based on it, but often it will start out with some insecurities - which we know is the start of a downfall for many relationships. Some will start it off with less trust. Didn't someone list some pretty basic things (going out with friends to the club) has reason for alarm?

[jerseyboy]

I've had a lot of coffee, it probably was only funny in my head

 

 

 

I think most would not discount a person based on it, but often it will start out with some insecurities - which we know is the start of a downfall for many relationships. Some will start it off with less trust. Didn't someone list some pretty basic things (going out with friends to the club) has reason for alarm?

 

 

That was me.

 

But I also structure my life that way as well

 

I live alone, have a pretty big place, and there have been times Ive been asked to take on a roommate as a favor.

 

I wont live with another guy. No f'ing way. Theyre slobs, and disgust me. Way too much tension I dont want your hair/sweat all over my crap. Pissing on the toilet, or missing it altogether. Not happpening.

 

But Ill still say no when its a female just because I dont want to ahve to deal with it down the road. Even if Im not in a relationship at the time. Im going to be dating. And I dont want to deal with that whole trying to convince her its ok, or stressing a relationship over something easily avoided.

[BlueHarvest]

Dreamergrl I realize your question you posed was hypothetical, so don't take this to heart. (In fact I agree with your overall general opinion of the thread.)

 

This is actually more directed toward jerseyboy.

 

The entire situation screams of "needy". If you just met a girl, and you two start dating...but you find out that she has a guy rooomie. And you break it off because 1)He's a guy and 2)He's "good looking". You know what that tells me?

 

A: It tells me that you don't have the insight to realize, that if she liked the guy, she would be all over him. She isn't. She's dating you. Therefore...she likes YOU.

 

B: It tells me that you are needy. You can't stand the fact that she isn't in a "safe" (for you) situation that you can control. In fact, many times your partner in life won't be in a situation you like. That's where C comes in...

 

 

C: Lack of trust. If you don't have trust you will NEVER get anywhere in a relationship, you will constrict your partner until they just get fed up and dump your ass. There's a saying I picked up that is so true "Trust is not something for which must be asked. Where it is deserved, it is given freely and without question."

 

D: Because you stated earlier in the thread that the "looks" of the roomate would be the 'dealbreaker' that also tells me that you have a self-esteem problem. Looks aren't everything. Sure some people put more value in them...but they aren't everything. You think comedian Kevin James got married because of his looks? Or do you think his charisma may have had something to do with it? You need to trust yourself, have faith in yourself ...before you go and try to even begin a relationship.

 

I'm sorry if any of this offends you, but if it does...well most of the time when something offends someone that's because it hits close to home.

[Ody]

Not a deal breaker for sure.

 

It would make me wonder though

 

A girl living with an ex?

 

Yeah that would probably be a deal maker, unless she was making arrangements to move soon

 

This is actually more directed toward jerseyboy.

 

The entire situation screams of "needy". If you just met a girl, and you two start dating...but you find out that she has a guy rooomie. And you break it off because 1)He's a guy and 2)He's "good looking". You know what that tells me?

 

This tells me that someone didn't read the thread closely enough...

[dreamergrl]

But if it is making one wonder before they get to know the person and the situation, they already have insecurities.

 

I'm curious.. for those opposed a girl having a male roommate

 

Would a guy rather date me living with a girl that I don't get along well with (which will leave me in a distasteful mood often, since it is my home life) or a guy I get along with on a roommate/friend level.

 

I love my female friends to death, but there's only one that I could even come close to see myself rooming with.

 

My first male roommate here in Denver.. I could totally understand why a guy would be uncomfortable with me living with him. The guy (aside from his other strange actions) would question who I was with and what I was doing with my time. I got rid of him for over stepping boundaries (and some strange actions). I found a male roommate who does not do anything to cross any lines. I would hope a guy could get to know me and see that I'm capable of keeping boundaries and know where to draw the line.

[Ody]

But if it is making one wonder before they get to know the person and the situation, they already have insecurities.

 

I'm curious.. for those opposed a girl having a male roommate

 

Would a guy rather date me living with a girl that I don't get along well with (which will leave me in a distasteful mood often, since it is my home life) or a guy I get along with on a roommate/friend level.

 

I would still have the same initial watchfulness but assuming that panned out OK I would definitely 100% take the cool male roommate rather than the annoying girl roommate.

 

Ugh, not only do you bear the brunt of roommate induced bad moods but you have to listen to the complaining about the roommate. Meanwhile all you can think is "yep this is why I got my own place years ago".

 

Ideally no roommates for both me and her.

[dreamergrl]

I would still have the same initial watchfulness but assuming that panned out OK I would definitely 100% take the cool male roommate rather than the annoying girl roommate.

 

Ugh, not only do you bear the brunt of roommate induced bad moods but you have to listen to the complaining about the roommate. Meanwhile all you can think is "yep this is why I got my own place years ago".

 

Ideally no roommates for both me and her.

 

Ideally I'd live alone myself, but I'm trying to work my way up to a higher paid position out here, and for the time being, I need a roommate to help with rent.

 

To do so, I need to leave my availability for work open (meaning able to work different types of shifts) so that doesn't leave me much options for a second job. I've got goals set, and I want to keep working towards them!

[Ody]

Ideally I'd live alone myself, but I'm trying to work my way up to a higher paid position out here, and for the time being, I need a roommate to help with rent.

 

To do so, I need to leave my availability for work open (meaning able to work different types of shifts) so that doesn't leave me much options for a second job. I've got goals set, and I want to keep working towards them!

 

Yes this is another good reason for this to be a flag not a dealbreaker, way too many eligible neat chicks in my area who can't really afford the steep housing prices.

[jerseyboy]

Dreamergrl I realize your question you posed was hypothetical, so don't take this to heart. (In fact I agree with your overall general opinion of the thread.)

 

This is actually more directed toward jerseyboy.

 

The entire situation screams of "needy". If you just met a girl, and you two start dating...but you find out that she has a guy rooomie. And you break it off because 1)He's a guy and 2)He's "good looking". You know what that tells me?

 

A: It tells me that you don't have the insight to realize, that if she liked the guy, she would be all over him. She isn't. She's dating you. Therefore...she likes YOU.

 

B: It tells me that you are needy. You can't stand the fact that she isn't in a "safe" (for you) situation that you can control. In fact, many times your partner in life won't be in a situation you like. That's where C comes in...

 

 

C: Lack of trust. If you don't have trust you will NEVER get anywhere in a relationship, you will constrict your partner until they just get fed up and dump your ass. There's a saying I picked up that is so true "Trust is not something for which must be asked. Where it is deserved, it is given freely and without question."

 

D: Because you stated earlier in the thread that the "looks" of the roomate would be the 'dealbreaker' that also tells me that you have a self-esteem problem. Looks aren't everything. Sure some people put more value in them...but they aren't everything. You think comedian Kevin James got married because of his looks? Or do you think his charisma may have had something to do with it? You need to trust yourself, have faith in yourself ...before you go and try to even begin a relationship.

 

I'm sorry if any of this offends you, but if it does...well most of the time when something offends someone that's because it hits close to home.

 

The pop psychology and pc responses aside,. I dont have a personal problem with anything youve said. You did fail to actually read many of my responses, and made some weird assumptions on several more tailored to suit your pat responses than what was actually said.

 

That said

 

""Trust is not something for which must be asked. Where it is deserved, it is given freely and without question."

 

I find that silly. The kind of empty dribble people parrot because they have never given it any actual critical thought.

 

If someone I dont know well asks me to borrow 100k, if I have no reason to believe they wont pay me back, such as evidence of prior failure to repay loans, am I obligated to trust that they will?

 

You do that sort of thing? Good luck with that.

 

What people are entitled to is a benefit of the doubt if you choose to be in a relationship with them. They deserve a chance to be judged on their own merits regardless of what your prior experiences have been.

 

They dont deserve carte blanche. Its naive and self destructive.

 

Our decisions in life reflect something about us. How we feel about things, and how we feel and respect others with whom we associate.

 

Children go through life with ideas of unconditional love and acceptance. Many people dont go past their childish perceptions of reality. Adults recoignize that our behavior and choices impact those around us.

 

I dont choose not to have a female roommate because I dont trust my behavior in her presence. I choose not to do so because as an adult I recognize that such a situation would cause potential unnecessary stress in a relationship. I could adopt the attiude that where my actions dont conflict with my responsibilities, I should choose what makes me happiest.

 

Or as I have, I can choose to be pragmatic,and reconginize the cost benefit of any such arrangement isnt worth the ordeal.

 

The reality is trust is earned in any kind of relatinship. Whether it be work, friendship, or ones love life. Its earned by not only demonstrating integrity in ones actions, but consideration and care with the feelings of the person you are with. Demonstrtating you are trustworthy by having your actions reflect not just the bare minimum of faithfulness, but also by demomstratiung they are considerate of the real, flawed, seperate human being with whom you wish to develop a bond.