MM broke it off...how do I cope with pain?

[DiDi123]

Hi-

So, I'm not sleeping all that well- but using my "mothers helpers". I feel pretty sad tonight. Tomorrow I have to go into work for a little while to run some reports, then going to the gym for about an hour then to my folks.

 

So I did hear from him. I didn't say too much and didn't stay on the phone very long. He wanted to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving and told me he misses me. I said that's nice and that if he wanted things different he has the power to change them. He said he knows- but wanted to know if I missed him. I asked him- what difference would it make? Then I said I have to go now- bye and hung up. I wasn't emotional or upset- just very matter of fact. I don't even know if I'm that upset about it. I just feel like an idiot for even getting myself mixed up in something like this. I'm disappointed in myself and will have to deal with that guilt. I know I brought this all on myself.

 

There just isn't much to say to him - he has to figure it out.

 

And I have to keep my wall up around my heart right now. It's the way it has to be.

 

So that's scoop! I think someone said after a month I would get PM privileges- so my month is up November 29th- which is Sunday- so hopefully I'll be able to PM you then.

 

Thanks for thinking of me. I just wish this sadness would go away when I'm alone.

[DiDi123]

FooledOnce- I forgot to ask you about you and your plans for tomorrow- are you making dinner? Big crowd?

whoops! almost typed my name!!!!!!

[jennie-jennie]

Wow, I admire you, Didi. Never have I been able to have a conversation like that with my MM. Not without taking it back the next minute anyway. Kudos to you!

[fooled once]

Hi-

So, I'm not sleeping all that well- but using my "mothers helpers". I feel pretty sad tonight. Tomorrow I have to go into work for a little while to run some reports, then going to the gym for about an hour then to my folks.

 

So I did hear from him. I didn't say too much and didn't stay on the phone very long. He wanted to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving and told me he misses me. I said that's nice and that if he wanted things different he has the power to change them. He said he knows- but wanted to know if I missed him. I asked him- what difference would it make? Then I said I have to go now- bye and hung up. I wasn't emotional or upset- just very matter of fact. I don't even know if I'm that upset about it. I just feel like an idiot for even getting myself mixed up in something like this. I'm disappointed in myself and will have to deal with that guilt. I know I brought this all on myself.

 

There just isn't much to say to him - he has to figure it out.

 

And I have to keep my wall up around my heart right now. It's the way it has to be.

 

So that's scoop! I think someone said after a month I would get PM privileges- so my month is up November 29th- which is Sunday- so hopefully I'll be able to PM you then.

 

Thanks for thinking of me. I just wish this sadness would go away when I'm alone.

 

You did great!! Honey, I think you know deep down in your heart that this is the end of it. I know it hurts, I really do. But you know you deserve more. You know you aren't going to want to share him. You know it isn't fair to you, to his wife. You know this isn't a game. You know that people's lives are involved. You know the right thing to do is to let him go and let him make his own decisions without having you as a safety net. you know the saying "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. If it doesn't ...." In order to find out if he really loves you like he claimed, you have to let him go (and not for a day or two) and let him work out what is going on in his life. Let him either work on his marriage, stay in his marriage or end his marriage without having you as a cushion. That isn't fair to you. You don't deserve to be 2nd fiddle.

 

If he leaves, on his own, and starts divorce proceedings ~ then maybe date. NOT get right back into to. He is going to have to figure out who he is again. The last thing you need is to be the transition woman. And you don't deserve the whole rollercoaster of playing the sharing game. That isn't fair to you.

 

Please don't let him back in until he makes major changes. Don't accept lips service. Accept only ACTION. Think about the damage he has done to you. Think about the lack of respect he has shown you by how badly he hurt you and by starting all this when he wasn't free to start it. Yes, you willingly participated; but once again, it was because of what he said. It was because of things he said that possibly weren't the truth.

 

Continue to focus on you. Use your helpers :-) if needed. Try to not become dependent on them. Have you told your parents what happened?

 

Let the machine get it the next time he calls. I find it quite rude of him to ask "Do you miss me". What an ego maniac. He has NO idea how badly he has hurt you. While he sits at home, with his WIFE, you have been in emotional hell. He and his wife will share Thanksgiving tomorrow and he wants to know if you miss him. Jerk!!! And what would it matter if you said yes? He would still be with his wife.

 

*hug*

 

I hope you have a good work out tomorrow. I am sure you have a few mental ideas to help you push yourself

 

My Turkey day will be relatively quite. My son will be coming over for dinner. We are having ham because none of us are huge turkey fans! We are having ham, scalloped potatoes, stuffing, asparagus, brocolli and rolls. And football! Can't have Thanksgiving without football.

 

Check in tomorrow and let me know how your day is going or how it went.

 

Stay strong and remember ---- top priority right now is DiDi --- no one else.

 

*hug*

[DiDi123]

Good Morning All- Happy Thanksgiving!

Well, I still feel sad....

But, you know I had no other choice but to have that type of conversation with him yesterday. There is nothing I can say or do to make him do anything. That's the bottom line. I refuse to engage him in anything he has to say right now.

 

I'm spent- plain and simple.

 

FooledOnce- your right. (about a lot of things ) This isn't a game- this is my life and I have to take control of it. No one else can do that for me. As for Thanksgiving she is going to the one surviving family member's house that she has and he is going to his Mother's with his brother & sister (sister & H) came up from North Carolina so they won't spend the day together- BUT- none the less he is still chosing to live with her right now.

 

But I was thinking where on earth am I drawing the strength from right now to be so "matter-of-fact" about this? And I started to seriously think about what if he just left her....I mean what if he just showed up on my doorstep with a suitcase? How would I feel? Am I ready for that? DO I want that? No- deep down I know that's not how I "want him".

 

I'd want him to resolve things with her first- then (like you said) come to me.

 

I just have to be very careful right now because if I don't I will get sucked into this all over again. Like I said before I don't want to be the OTHER WOMAN I want to be THE WOMAN. But on a level playing field.

 

I'm at work- so I need to finish up with things here.

 

Have a great day everyone and I'll check in later.

 

Thanks SO much for the continued support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. ((((hugs))))

[jwi71]

I'm spent- plain and simple.

 

Its simultaneously a good and bad place to be.

I too wish you were and were not here. This will shape you. Change you.

How is up to you.

 

FooledOnce- your right. (about a lot of things ) This isn't a game- this is my life and I have to take control of it. No one else can do that for me. As for Thanksgiving she is going to the one surviving family member's house that she has and he is going to his Mother's with his brother & sister (sister & H) came up from North Carolina so they won't spend the day together- BUT- none the less he is still chosing to live with her right now.

 

Good. So glad you understand the ONLY one in control of YOU is YOU. Take charge, regain control and move forward.

 

One more thing, try and NOT think of his life, what he is doing, where he is at etc. Does no good. The answer to ALL is...where he chooses to be, doing what he wants with whom he wants. Like you, he controls himself and is the master of his own destiny. Put MORE faith in his actions than his words.

 

Now...about that skydiving...

 

But I was thinking where on earth am I drawing the strength from right now to be so "matter-of-fact" about this?

 

The strength has always been there. You just got lost in another and in so doing forgot SO much about YOURSELF. You appear to be one of the relative few who did not completely "lose herself" in him...happens SO much here.

 

And I started to seriously think about what if he just left her....I mean what if he just showed up on my doorstep with a suitcase? How would I feel? Am I ready for that? DO I want that? No- deep down I know that's not how I "want him".

 

Doh! What can you do to affect that? Is there anything you can do or say to sway his mind at this point? Anything you haven't already tried? Not likely. And I'll tell you a secret. If you can't control the outcome...don't worry about it. So stop thinking "what if".

 

But...I'll tell you the answer to that little thought experiment. He knocks on your door suitcase in hand...close it. Huh? Close it? Yup.

 

However, if he knocks on your door suitcase in hand WITH signed notarized and final decree of divorce that you subsequently verify at the county clerk...let him in. Not that we don't trust him...but we don't.

 

Too many MM/MW waffle on the whole D thing. In fact, that's the number 1 hook. I'm leaving <<insert lame a$$ excuse>>. Don't let their pain become yours. I'd bet you can't even find an OW/OM who HASN'T heard it...

 

I'd want him to resolve things with her first- then (like you said) come to me.

 

Oh damnit. I swear I promise to try and read the post then reply, not reply while reading...sigh, I would erase it all, but I typed it and I'm not willing to erase all I typed...especially since my typing sucks and the above has no mistakes. And I rather like my doorstep bit.

 

I just have to be very careful right now because if I don't I will get sucked into this all over again. Like I said before I don't want to be the OTHER WOMAN I want to be THE WOMAN. But on a level playing field.

 

I don't have a problem with you telling him that. Then walking. He knows where and how to find you. If he wants you as "the woman", he WILL D and be with you.

 

I haven't been skydiving in years. Did the bungee thing too.

Right now the kids are fighting over the Wii...better intervene before all hell breaks loose....oops, too late.

[DiDi123]

jwi171-

Thanks for the laugh and sound advice-

It's ok to post while your reading- at least I was on the receiving end of what you gut responses are.....

I love my Wii too- especially the Tiger Woods Bethpage Back with the new thingee that attaches to the remote to sense your every move and twist of your wrist, backswing, etc.

And your doorstep bit was good...

Thanks for the chuckle.....

[whichwayisup]

So I did hear from him. I didn't say too much and didn't stay on the phone very long. He wanted to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving and told me he misses me. I said that's nice and that if he wanted things different he has the power to change them. He said he knows- but wanted to know if I missed him. I asked him- what difference would it make? Then I said I have to go now- bye and hung up. I wasn't emotional or upset- just very matter of fact. I don't even know if I'm that upset about it. I just feel like an idiot for even getting myself mixed up in something like this. I'm disappointed in myself and will have to deal with that guilt. I know I brought this all on myself.

 

You're very strong and have good boundries set up already. Be proud of yourself Didi. Not too many can stick with NC and stand up like you have.

 

Have a great Thanksgiving and enjoy the day.

[DiDi123]

Well the thing is that it isn't really NC- because I spoke to him. But its as close as its going to get with being NC.

He knows he is "shut out".

He knows he has to make his own decisions

And he knows I can't/won't put up with this crap

 

I just can't ever have a breakdown like I did last weekend.

 

WhichWay- I actually think I'm a wimp- but a tired wimp. But thanks for the vote of confidence And its not a conscience thing I'm doing- being so matter of fact with him- it just is the way it is. I can't do anything for him- he has to "grow a set" and take a "big boy" pill and do this all by himself.

 

I would bet that I'll hear from him tomorrow. I'll be at work and be busy. As much as I do miss him, and would really like to talk to him I just can't. I don't want to hear his whining and complaining about how unhappy he is and that he misses me. I mean, really- come on- if you are that unhappy then do something about it. If he can't help himself what on earth am I supposed to do? Its not my job in life to "fix" this for him. He has to want to do it and then get it done.

 

But it certainly doesn't dismiss the fact that I am sad and do miss him. But I can only tell you guys that- not him.

*sniff* anyone have a tissue?

[jennie-jennie]

Here, love, cry all you need.

 

(((Didi)))

[DiDi123]

Oh Jennie.....its definately a sad night.

But I'm only sharing that with you guys here at LS.

 

Please pass the tissues....*sniff*

 

Can I ask your age? and if you have kids? I think part of my sadness and grieving is not just all about him, but that I will never have children (because of the recent surgery) and I have been thinking about that a lot. I feel like a big piece of me is missing- like I'm "damaged goods" or something.

I missed out on having a child, and that makes me sad.

 

Sorry to be a downer tonight......

[fooled once]

Well the thing is that it isn't really NC- because I spoke to him. But its as close as its going to get with being NC.

He knows he is "shut out".

He knows he has to make his own decisions

And he knows I can't/won't put up with this crap

 

I just can't ever have a breakdown like I did last weekend.

 

WhichWay- I actually think I'm a wimp- but a tired wimp. But thanks for the vote of confidence And its not a conscience thing I'm doing- being so matter of fact with him- it just is the way it is. I can't do anything for him- he has to "grow a set" and take a "big boy" pill and do this all by himself.

 

I would bet that I'll hear from him tomorrow. I'll be at work and be busy. As much as I do miss him, and would really like to talk to him I just can't. I don't want to hear his whining and complaining about how unhappy he is and that he misses me. I mean, really- come on- if you are that unhappy then do something about it. If he can't help himself what on earth am I supposed to do? Its not my job in life to "fix" this for him. He has to want to do it and then get it done.

 

But it certainly doesn't dismiss the fact that I am sad and do miss him. But I can only tell you guys that- not him.

*sniff* anyone have a tissue?

 

What I bolded is so damn true!!! I mean seriously - quit your bitching unless you are going to fix it. That is something that I can't stand - whining yet doing nothing.

 

And you are so right, it isn't YOUR JOB to fix it. It is HIS. And if he chooses, like SOOOO many MM to just whine and complain and then CHEAT.... Cheating doesn't fix it. Cheating only involves MORE hurt to someone who didn't ask to be dragged into someone else's drama.

 

You can miss him *hug* But you can't FIX him. That is on him.

 

Hang in there - you are doing great!!

 

Did you eat today????

[fooled once]

Oh Jennie.....its definately a sad night.

But I'm only sharing that with you guys here at LS.

 

Please pass the tissues....*sniff*

 

Can I ask your age? and if you have kids? I think part of my sadness and grieving is not just all about him, but that I will never have children (because of the recent surgery) and I have been thinking about that a lot. I feel like a big piece of me is missing- like I'm "damaged goods" or something.

I missed out on having a child, and that makes me sad.

 

Sorry to be a downer tonight......

 

YOU are not damaged goods!! Stop that. Let me tell you, I have had 8 surgeries in 4 years on my elbow and it is still "broken" It will never be fixed. I am in constant pain every day and I tell my H every day he should leave me and find someone who isn't so messed up. He doesn't deserve to be held back by me and by my medical issues. I am 8 years younger than him but you would think I am 15 years OLDER than him by the amount of pain/aches I am in (due in most part to the side effects of my medication).

 

But he stays. I don't know why but he does. I am damaged. You are not.

 

IF you want children, YOU can adopt. YOU can foster a child. You can work in a hospital, volunteering with children.

 

You can DO ANYTHING!!

 

You have strength and resolve and determination. I am so happy to hear you will no longer be the OW - you want to be THE WOMAN or not at all! Excellent!!

[ali0112]

Didi, I have followed your story from the beginning, and I must say that I am SO proud of you! I could have written all the things you wrote last weekend. I was so incredibly despondent at that time. But at least your MM had the courtesy to tell you what was going on, while mine just disappeared, moving 2800 miles away without so much as a "so long"! I know why he did it; he just couldn't face the "talk", or the final confrontation that would have occurred had he told me about it, but it was such a cowardly way to end a 3 1/2 year "relationship", which is what I thought we had. And we did have it. But he took the coward's way out. But you know what? After so many years of wondering and agonizing about what he was doing on a major holiday with his family, today I hardly thought about him at all! Sure, it took me almost two whole years to arrive at this point, but here I am!

 

That is what I want to see for you. You seem like such a strong and determined woman. Although I don't know you, I know that it would break my heart to log in here and see that you had back-tracked and gotten sucked back into the same vicious circle. You can do it!!

[DiDi123]

Hi-

FO- Once again thank you for your vote of confidence

Yesterday I had about a forkful or 2 of everything plus 2 glasses of wine- and was sick last night- not to get to gross but not all my plumbing is working at 100% yet bc of the surgery and of course the stress played a hand in my not feeling great.

 

I woke up sad again- which I really can't stand. BUT- I am going to forge ahead and get to work today (even though I don't have to go in bc its a recess day) and then hit the gym. My plan this weekend is to have long workouts and get started on really going through the "paperwork" in my home office. You know the phone bills and crap that seemed to have piled up for years in files that I can shred, lol. I am pretty organized - for instance my closets are in excellent shape- colored coordinated and completely organized. Several years ago I purchased those Joy Mangano hangers (don't know if anyone has heard of them) and they made a world of difference. Anyway my point is that I am going to keep busy doing things that will ultimately help me. I am also going to look into doing crown molding throughout my house. That project ought to keep me busy during the winter!

 

As for the damaged goods comment...well I just feel as though I missed a very important phase that I would have liked to gone through and maybe I wouldn't seem attractive to someone because of this. But now its about acceptance for me. Which after reading your posts you should try and do that as well. Yes you've had medical issues- but your husband obviously loves you and doesn't have an issue with it- so accept that and focus on all the wonderful things you can and do that clearly he loves about you. Try not to be so hard on yourself. (I know I know I should practice what I preach! lol ) May I ask what happened to your elbow? Was it a sporting accident? Also, may I ask your age? and how many kids you have & their ages? I'm sorry if you've already answered these questions and have to repeat yourself- but you seem so wise and I am trying to learn where/how you have shaped yourself to gave the strength and determination throughout your life. Maybe if I learn more about how others deal and cope it will help me. I really do appreciate your thoughtfulness to respond to me and know that you have made a huge difference in encouraging me to forge ahead (as a lot of posters here at LS have also) and see things in a different light.

 

Ali- Oh hon- first thanks for following "my story"- and I'm so sorry that your MM did that. How awful and cruel. And you are right that he was the coward. But 2 years later you are being strong and moving forward. Have you dated? Do you ever here from him? Thanks for sharing because as I have said before it really helps me to know (though I feel terrible for reading SO many stories of heartbreak) that others have gone through/or are going through similiar situations.

 

Thanks for thinking I'm so strong and determined- because I don't feel that way. I am just trying to regain my self-worth, self-esteem and control of me and my life. I suppose its a coping mechanism to some degree. What did you do to cope? Do you feel you had closure?

 

Funny how essentially "strangers" here at LS (I use that term lightly because I really feel you all know me better than some of my friends & family! and do consider you all like friends and a huge emotional support system for me!!!) can see me with such a different perspective than I see myself. And I have been brutally honest here at LS. No filter at all.

 

Well off to work- I'll be back later!!

[DiDi123]

DevilInside- I meant to ask you about the comment you said about abandonment issues. Can you explain a little more into that? I have often wondered if I do have some issues surrounding intimacy. I never really let people get close to me for fear (ok I am being totally honest here) because once they see what I'm really like they won't like me. Yes I know these are low self-esteem issues that I'm working on. But I've never been "adandoned" before- at least in the sense of someone just leaving me without me wanting to leave to. I am trying to get a better understanding of what you meant.

 

Also what do you do for a living? If you don't mind me asking?

[jennie-jennie]

Oh Jennie.....its definately a sad night.

But I'm only sharing that with you guys here at LS.

 

Please pass the tissues....*sniff*

 

Can I ask your age? and if you have kids? I think part of my sadness and grieving is not just all about him, but that I will never have children (because of the recent surgery) and I have been thinking about that a lot. I feel like a big piece of me is missing- like I'm "damaged goods" or something.

I missed out on having a child, and that makes me sad.

 

Sorry to be a downer tonight......

 

Didi, from what I have read you and your MM have or at least have had a very strong emotional bond. That bond is not going to disappear without a period of grieving. It is natural that you feel sad now. Something very important in your life has been taken away from you. I would be inclined to be worried if you were not feeling sad.

 

Also, I do understand what you are saying about not ever being able to have your own children. This is something you will have to grieve too. When I look back at my life and everything that has gone wrong, I say to myself: At least I have my children. Having children of my own was very, very important to me. To have missed out on that must be so hard. Hugs, Didi.

 

I am 50, and my daughters are 14, 16 and 25. I feel so blessed to have them in my life. They are all wonderful kids.

 

I have had two big wishes in my life. One was to have children, the other one was to have a good relationship with a committed partner. I got my kids, but I am still waiting for that relationship. My MM has all the attributes I want in a man, but he is committed to someone else. This is something that I do grieve and wonder if I will ever have.

 

(((Didi)))

[DiDi123]

Wow...3 daughters...how wonderful....

 

I keep having these really big sighs...and have all of a sudden (like within the last hour) gotten super depressed. Not that I wasn't sad before but now I'm just feeling really low.

 

I don't know maybe because its so dark and gray outside not to mention pouring rain....I'm thinking of not going to the gym after work and just going home and crawling into bed with my kitty cats and pull the covers over me and hide.

[Alpha Female]

Oh, Didi. I am so sorry to read this thread. I know you were in turmoil before I went away, but this is a horrible turn of events.

 

All I can say is that if this is what is meant to be for you and MM, then it is the best thing in the long-run. If you believe you deserve a man who will fight for you and your R, then maybe MM isn't the one for you, and best to know this now, rather than later.

 

I know you have very real feelings for him, and him for you. But if he's not willing to act on them, then they are illusionary and irrelevant.

 

The pain will get better on a daily basis, and some will be better than others. Just do what you can to make yourself feel good - treat yourself well, as just because MM may not have treasured you properly, doesn't mean you don't deserve that of yourself.

[fooled once]

Hi-

FO- Once again thank you for your vote of confidence

Yesterday I had about a forkful or 2 of everything plus 2 glasses of wine- and was sick last night- not to get to gross but not all my plumbing is working at 100% yet bc of the surgery and of course the stress played a hand in my not feeling great.

 

I woke up sad again- which I really can't stand. BUT- I am going to forge ahead and get to work today (even though I don't have to go in bc its a recess day) and then hit the gym. My plan this weekend is to have long workouts and get started on really going through the "paperwork" in my home office. You know the phone bills and crap that seemed to have piled up for years in files that I can shred, lol. I am pretty organized - for instance my closets are in excellent shape- colored coordinated and completely organized. Several years ago I purchased those Joy Mangano hangers (don't know if anyone has heard of them) and they made a world of difference. Anyway my point is that I am going to keep busy doing things that will ultimately help me. I am also going to look into doing crown molding throughout my house. That project ought to keep me busy during the winter!

 

As for the damaged goods comment...well I just feel as though I missed a very important phase that I would have liked to gone through and maybe I wouldn't seem attractive to someone because of this. But now its about acceptance for me. Which after reading your posts you should try and do that as well. Yes you've had medical issues- but your husband obviously loves you and doesn't have an issue with it- so accept that and focus on all the wonderful things you can and do that clearly he loves about you. Try not to be so hard on yourself. (I know I know I should practice what I preach! lol ) May I ask what happened to your elbow? Was it a sporting accident? Also, may I ask your age? and how many kids you have & their ages? I'm sorry if you've already answered these questions and have to repeat yourself- but you seem so wise and I am trying to learn where/how you have shaped yourself to gave the strength and determination throughout your life. Maybe if I learn more about how others deal and cope it will help me. I really do appreciate your thoughtfulness to respond to me and know that you have made a huge difference in encouraging me to forge ahead (as a lot of posters here at LS have also) and see things in a different light.

 

Ali- Oh hon- first thanks for following "my story"- and I'm so sorry that your MM did that. How awful and cruel. And you are right that he was the coward. But 2 years later you are being strong and moving forward. Have you dated? Do you ever here from him? Thanks for sharing because as I have said before it really helps me to know (though I feel terrible for reading SO many stories of heartbreak) that others have gone through/or are going through similiar situations.

 

Thanks for thinking I'm so strong and determined- because I don't feel that way. I am just trying to regain my self-worth, self-esteem and control of me and my life. I suppose its a coping mechanism to some degree. What did you do to cope? Do you feel you had closure?

 

Funny how essentially "strangers" here at LS (I use that term lightly because I really feel you all know me better than some of my friends & family! and do consider you all like friends and a huge emotional support system for me!!!) can see me with such a different perspective than I see myself. And I have been brutally honest here at LS. No filter at all.

 

Well off to work- I'll be back later!!

 

DiDi - My H and I started playing tennis in 2004 -- after a month, my elbow was hurting. Went to the doctor, determined it was tennis elbow. 2 cortizone shots later (under a 6 month time frame), still not healed - had 2 tendonitis surgeries, a surgery to rebuild the tendon and muscles - 2 surgeries for neuroma's in my elbow - 1 exploratory surgery to see if my joint was misaligned (it wasn't) - 1 surgery for a compressed nerve and 1 surgery after I was leaking from the compressed nerve surgery. I had 3 surgeries last year and that's it. I am still 'broken', in pain daily, I go to pain management and basically there is nothing that can be done. My other elbow now is hurting as bad or worse than the damaged one as it has had to make up for the other one's deficiencies. Not sure what I am going to do about that. Because of all the medication I am on, my insides aren't functioning right so now I have issues. I am 45. I feel like I am 80. I have one son who is almost 21. He is my boy I have been married almost 12 years. First marriage lasted 9 years.

 

One day at a time hon. Don't worry about tomorrow or the next day. One step at a time. I want you to have 2-3 bites of food today

[jennie-jennie]

Wow...3 daughters...how wonderful....

 

I keep having these really big sighs...and have all of a sudden (like within the last hour) gotten super depressed. Not that I wasn't sad before but now I'm just feeling really low.

 

I don't know maybe because its so dark and gray outside not to mention pouring rain....I'm thinking of not going to the gym after work and just going home and crawling into bed with my kitty cats and pull the covers over me and hide.

 

I know that feeling. I don't know if this is considered bad advice, but when I have that feeling it feels best for me to do just that, crawl into bed and pull the covers over me and hide.

 

There is a time for every purpose under heaven, as they say, and perhaps this is a time to grieve.

 

My heart bleeds for you, Didi. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but to get there you have to pass through the tunnel first.

[DiDi123]

Alpha, FO, & Jennie,

Well- I didn't go to the gym and am still feeling pretty sad. I did just crawl into bed and cry. I'm just so sad. Its like it has just taken me over and consumed me.

 

I had a banana this morning- oh and some water and a cup of coffee this morning. I just have no appetite. I have no real plans for the weekend except to organize and clean stuff and now none of that seems appealing in any way shape or form. I guess I'm feeling pretty alone.

 

*deep sigh*

 

Fooled once- sorry about your elbow and all the pain its causing you- all those surgeries and still no relief......that's awful.

Alpha- I'm so happy to hear your happy.....

Jennie....right now I don't see the light....

 

The waterworks have begun...and its not hysterical crying just unbearable sadness....

[fooled once]

Cry and get it out. Cry, cry, cry. At the end of my A, I had no idea I had so many tears in me. Keep crying and when you are almost done, you might find another one

 

But tomorrow! Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow DiDi joins the living again Rah Cheer WooHoo

 

Tomorrow you are going to get up, grab a cup of coffee, take a shower, have maybe a bagle. After that, you are going to hit the gym or go out for a long walk. Bundle up, could be cold! Then maybe grab a cup of soup for lunch. Or a salad.

 

After that, you are going to tackle 1 drawer/closet or area. Maybe 2 if you are feeling it

 

Then, DINNER!!! Maybe a steak? Pork Chops? What sounds good? Nothing, huh? TOO BAD!!! You are GOING to eat a DECENT dinner.

 

Then, I want you to get a funny movie or maybe you have something on Tivo you have been meaning to watch? Do it. Grab a blanket, curl up on the couch and watch it. Maybe pop some popcorn? yeah, that sounds good - psst - throw some extra melted butter on it - yummmm.

 

And guess what -- you have SATURDAY done! See how easy that was

 

I know honey it isn't that easy. But I want you to try to wrap your head around something else besides you-know-what.

 

Thank you for your words regarding my stupid elbow. It is my cross to bear and I will do the best I can with dealing with it.

 

Do you have enough tissues for tonight? Use 'em up, cause after tonight, they will be used for colds and flu, no tears

 

**hug**

[DiDi123]

Oh Gosh- FO- I so appreciate your cheerleading....but I'm not feeling positive about anything right now. I don't feel like going to the gym or eating anything. I'm actually out of half-n-half and am even feeling too lazy to run down to the market to get some for tomorrow morning.

 

And he called. I was indifferent to him (although my heart was breaking). He misses me and he cares about me. Great, whoopie....JUST NOT ENOUGH TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. This must be why people go NC. I DON"T want to hear this CRAP. I want to hear I love you, I want you and I have gone to a divorce attorney, filed papers and want to spend the rest of my life with you. THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.

 

This sucks. And yes I am in a horrible mood- sorry. I'm so miserable I don't even want to be around ME. And all of you are taking the time to say nice things and cheer me up and hear I am miserable and witchy. SORRY!!!!

 

Fine- I'm going to get half-n-half. At least I'll have a decent cup of coffee in the morning. Anyone need anything?

[Alpha Female]

DiDi - definitely go NC with MM. For two reasons:

 

- you don't need to hear what he has to say if hes not willing to act on it

- allowing him access to you, even if its limited, discourages him from making any real changes in his life. He figures if youre still in a little bit, then when hes ready, youll be back in full force again.

 

I vote cut him off entirely, as hes still getting his cake and eating it too, though this time there is absolutely no benefit in it for you.

 

Make him miss you, and if he doesnt, then all this time, youre still moving ahead and away on your own.