MM broke it off...how do I cope with pain?

[jennie-jennie]

Didi, I am wondering if your EMR is a Split Self Affair just as mine. You can google Emily Brown and affairs and come to her site, where she has a self-assessment quiz to determine what kind of affair you are in.

 

The roots of Split Self Affairs go deep within the MM, and it is likely to take years of individual therapy according to Brown for these MM to be able to heal and subsequently make a choice between the women in their lives.

 

The Split Self Affair is a serious long term relationship. So if this is the kind of EMR you are having, Didi, your MM is likely to truly love you, but also to waffle forever between you and his wife.

[her_halo_slipped]

Didi what comes across in your post is the intolerable (for you) pain and suffering you are trying to endure alone. The pills may help acutely but they will not ease your pain indefinately. Please get yourself some proper medical help. See your doctor for advice. You may also benefit from a counselor. I empathasize with you. Please understand there are other ways to deal with acute pain and suffering.

[DiDi123]

HerHalo-

Yes I realize the pills are just a bandaid.

And I know I have to break away from this situation. It really isn't healthy for me.

 

I just got myself dressed and am heading to the gym- hopefully that will help.

Thank you for your concern.

[072707-113009]

I really need some help. Very sorry about TJ on another post.

 

I have copied and pasted my last 2 posts. I reread them and I already know I sound like an idiot and I feel pathetic enough- so please - I am in enough pain......please no horrible comments- I am in enough pain and have no idea how to end this excrutiating pain. I cannot stop crying and have no idea what to do.

 

 

So this is where I am also right now. He just told me this morning that he wants to "be alone" to figure out what he wants. But he still wants to be "friends" and that he still cares for me and has feelings for me. How do you just be f'ing friends?!!!!! They he tells me he just found out that his W has been having an affair for 2 years - which I think has brought this all about. He said he isn't jealous but feels betrayed and needs to really talk to her and figure out what to do.

The other bombshell I got was that he said that he isn't sure about anything, he has no answers for me and that he knows I deserve more and doesn't want to hurt me or cause me anymore pain. Do I believe this bull$****? How on earth did we go from a few days ago having a fabulous loving time together to this? How does a person do this to someone else? What happened? How do I go on now?

I am pretty much on the verge of hysteria - crying and feeling like a stupid fool. How can I be friends? What the heck does that mean? He has been such an emotional support and such a good friend- now he just cuts me off? He keep telling me that I was wonderful and he is truly happy with me but he can't move forward with me until he straightens out the marriage (and stay) or gets divorced- when he can be free to see me. He said he hates sneaking around and lying and he just can't handle living 2 lives anymore- he said he is just too stressed going from being really happy with me then having to leave me and go home and being miserable.

Do any of you think I should believe this crap? Am I being overemotional? Am I wrong to feel like I have been cut off at the knees?

WHAT do I do? I want to just go hide under a rock and just swallow a bottle of my pills and sleep and never wake up. And it isn't just because of him- its everything. I think I am just a miserable horrible person and honestly I don't even want to be around me right now. I hate myself for getting involved with someone and I hate being hurt. I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I am better off just being alone for the rest of my life- I can't go through the pain of being rejected. And the thing is everyone I know thinks I have my $hit together, and I outwardly a happy person, but NO ONE knows how truly awful I feel about myself. Everyone thinks I have the perfect life and I see the positive in everything - I volunteer, I take care of my grandmother, I have loving parents, I have a great job, I am healthy (outside of the hysterectomy I just had) I'm attractive, active, SO why is it I can't find someone that I can love who will love me back??????????????????????????????

 

Wheelwright- thank you.

I know he is struggling and when we spoke told him that he cares more for his marriage than he thinks he does- maybe not so much her, but the history. And you are right about this being huge $hit for him.

I have such a headache, heartache, I am just in such excruiating pain....I took 2 valium a few hours ago and passed out for awhile. I woke up and thought I dreamed everything- then it all came back to me. I know I am pathetic right now- and needy and would take the smallest sliver of anything from him if he offered it. I hate what I must sound like. I just can't seem to understand how we were so happy and now this. His wife doesn't know he knows about the A she's been having- she's denied everything to him. So he does have many hurdles to jump over.

I just want to be happy and in love like we were. I want everything to return to normal. I don't want to live without him. And you are right about false hope being a killer- it is definately killing me. I feel like I am dying.

My friends would not understand any of this- no one would. I don't even know if I can function without him. I did run out of the house after he left this morning and went to the gym and ran hard for 1 straight hour to try and forget all this. But it didn't help. I took a shower - popped some pills and went to bed- which is where I still am. My life revolves around pills to sleep and then pills to wake up and get me going. Not a nice way to live. I don't know if I even have the strength to go to work tomorrow. I'd like to go check into a psych ward and live in a padded room for awhile. I feel as though I am an elastic band that is stretching and the fibers are breaking and I am only moments away from snapping......I don't know how to cope, I don't know how to deal with this........how do I make a future?

 

So I have no idea what to believe anymore- Is it possible he really does care about me and needs this time to realize that? Or is this just all a bunch of crap to make himself feel better so when he confronts his wife about her affair he can "honestly" say he isn't seeing anyone else?

 

I have such a pounding f'ing headache....I am absolutely hysterical right now, HOW can one person have SO many tears- why can't I just be at peace and say f-it?

 

I know there are other things we spoke about that I just can't remember right now, but if anyone can shed some light on what I need to do to survive based on your own experiences I would appreciate it.

 

Thank you

 

I know how you feel. My MM bf just broke it off with me of 2yrs and i really feel like ****. i feel so lost. he broke it off once with me but came back. i dont ask what the problems he has at home. he vents to me when there is any problems at home and i just listen. he does not tie me down. but i wanted more time with him, which he didnt have. we work together too, we even hardly get to talk at work. sometimes we dont even see each other the whole 8hrs. i dont know what to do. he broke it off because he said that its the right thing to do. im trying so hard to keep it together. I sometimes wish that i never had fallen in love with him. because if i wasnt i know it wouldnt be this hard. at times i feel okay and just think that it would never work. hes married. he would never leave his family for you. all he does is talk about his kids. why would i ever want to be the reason he left them? I really wanted him to leave on his terms. not because of me. but waiting for that for 2yrs... did not happen. so im still stuck in the "loser box" and then when i start thinking of all the fun times we had all the laughter, all the movies we watched together, all our favorite hang outs and food places we like to go to.... i break down all over again. i really dont know how to move on.

[MizzBlue72]

So sorry to hear this ....

You can't be at peace because you still love him. It will hurt - like hell - but you will get through this.

 

I almost laugh when I hear that the MM 'feels betrayed' when the W has an A.

 

Give him time. If it's meant to be - it will be.

[Impudent Oyster]

So if this is the kind of EMR you are having, Didi, your MM is likely to truly love you, but also to waffle forever between you and his wife.

 

Only if she lets him.

[HarmonyHope]

"

Wayward spouses do not always awaken from the fog to find they are immediately remorseful, regretful, and ready to atone for their sins. Some of them wake up and find they simply want out of the marriage. Other WS do not wake up from the fog, because they were never in it. Unfortunately many WS were living a foggy existence in the marriage, while pretending to be someone they were not. In these most unfortunate of circumstances, the A and post-A WS is the real deal."

 

I just want to bump this part. This part seems to get forgotten when BS's talk about A fog as a way to minimize the affair.

 

Very interesting Jennie.

[fooled once]

HEY DiDi ....

 

How are you doing???

[SerenityX2]

Didi,

 

I hope you find the strength to walk away from this for good. This is a relatively new r'ship and it's causing you this much heartache...not good.

 

For him saying that he's not sure of this or that....and he doesn't know if he can give you what you need....BELIVE him! I can't emphasize that enough...if some tells you that that don't *think* they deserve you or know what they want.....believe them, that's their character and only more heartache awaits you.

 

Sure you could read books etc...to try to figure out why he's that way, but why would you want to? Really, love doesn't have to be that hard and researching why he may or may not be the way he is....there may be some patterns but he is an individual with his own unique make up of traits and although there may be some good that you saw....the majority is not healthy for a strong r'ship, it doesn't matter why...it just is.

 

You're on the right track of saying that you know what you will put up with in terms of who you are looking for, that's good to have that sort of set criteria of what you definitely don't want and what are must haves. A married guy shouldn't even be a consideration and I think deep down you know this evident by the fact you can't even be honest with your parents and that can't feel good.

 

No one should ever cause this kind of grief in a loving r'ship between the 2 people ever, let alone this early in. Many red flags waving here. It's your choice at this point to continue the pain in even contemplating keeping him on a back burner.

 

Happiness comes from within you, it's not dependent on another. That's an unrealistic expectation for someone else to fill and what keeps some always searching. People and things don't provide it.

 

Happiness is wanting what you have. I hope you take this season to believe in the uniqueness of you and how special and loved you are to those that matter and SHOW you, such as parents and dear friends. And use all of that to strengthen your resolve to step away from this toxic situation. It will be hard, but much much harder the longer it goes. You have the power within you to stop it and the pain.

 

I wish you peace and clarity in the coming days.

[jwi71]

DiDi,

 

This man DOESN'T love you. Not even close. He likes/wants/appreciates whatever holes in his life you fulfill. Nothing more.

 

Aphone call doesn't indicate love. Not by any stretch of the imagination. But, for argument's sake, lets accept that JJ is right. He calls because he loves you. And what else?

 

Uh-oh...his love is beginning to look a little to shallow and convenient. Because, aside from the odd phone call, the odd rendezvous...what else does he give? Money? Trips? Dinner? Hard to pursue a woman and NOT do those things you know. And that's my point. Some I think confuse being pursued for being loved.

 

I get that being wanted feels good. Everyone takes some degree of validation from it...even the happily married ones. The difference is that many (most?) OW/OM accept that being pursued/being wanted AS LOVE. Its not.

 

And the proof is in the pudding. If they love you, they move heaven and earth to be with you. I can almost promise you that the OW who marry the MM...their MM did exactly that. Got out. Made the A legitimate. And fast. Why? Love.

 

And for those that don't. Well...they don't love you. Its really that simple. Anything else is an excuse to stay in an A that is comfortable. The norms however unfair and unjust are far better than the unknown "life w/o him/her". Its very much like an addiction or codependency.

 

Didi. HE doesn't love you. If all a man can do to show is love is a phone call, a night of sex and dinner...that's not love. And if it is...then are you satisfied by his "love"? Is that truly enough? Let's face it, these boards are FULL of "I want more" posts by OW.

 

He's not leaving. Judge him not by his words but by his actions. IS he ACTING like a man in love with you? IS his love so frail he MUST speak to his W about what they should do given her A? Of course not...they aren't talking about how he loves you and how to divide assets. They are talking about THEIR M and what to do.

 

Placing his "love for you" squarely behind their M and HIS needs/wants.

 

Don't settle.

[DiDi123]

Hi All,

Thanks for the comments.

So for an update......

Well I am still proceeding with much caution- and have backed off.

 

I'm eating a little more, going to the gym and keeping as busy as possible. A good friend of mine was up from the south visiting another family member who was in the hospital and he himself has unfortunately been hospitalized also at this time. So I have been spending time with them.

 

I hear what you are all saying and don't worry- I have no plans to settle for anything.

Just taking care of me right now.

[fooled once]

Hi All,

Thanks for the comments.

So for an update......

Well I am still proceeding with much caution- and have backed off.

 

I'm eating a little more, going to the gym and keeping as busy as possible. A good friend of mine was up from the south visiting another family member who was in the hospital and he himself has unfortunately been hospitalized also at this time. So I have been spending time with them.

 

I hear what you are all saying and don't worry- I have no plans to settle for anything.

Just taking care of me right now.

 

GOOD! I was worried that since you hadn't posted in a bit...... you had changed your mind and were willing to go back to being the mistress.

 

Keep eating. Glad you are spending time with friends.

 

Did I say "KEEP EATING" already

[DiDi123]

FO- Yes I'm eating- thanks for thinking of me.

 

I have been spending a lot of time at the hospital - today after work I was there for about 3 hours and then came home and made brownies to bring to the hospital tomorrow. So I am kind of tired. Haven't returned most calls even from my girlfriends the last few days.

 

Thanks for thinking of me

[Myusername]

JW good post, it is right on.

 

I would say that paying attention to ACTIONS is way more important than words. Words are what pulls us in, and we hear I LOVE YOU, etc, and believe it. But when actions do not follow the words, we should look at that and decide if we are being mislead, or maybe just need to pay more attnetion.

 

I was listening to WORDS more than looking at ACTIONs of someone and it has led me to insurmountable pain and I feel completely decieved and hurt...so pay attention to actions...

 

Also, I have felt this crazy pain, crying, not knowing why this man would tell me blah blah and then not be here with me, etc etc. Just remember the pain you are feeling, the back and forth, the lies, the trust issues, the constant battle in your head and heart...and ask yourself...IS THIS LOVE...? Is this healthy love? I mean it seems it is not, even if you are madly in love, there is healthy love and harmful love. I know mine was harmful...and is harmful. I think we put ourselves thru hell and highwater and call it love. Even if it is, it is love with a lot of crap mixed in, fear, doubt, trust issues, lies..is this the love we want, for real?

I am so sorry for your pain, truly. I dont at all get how people can say i love you and want you, you are my soul mate, and change their tune on a dime....many of us are being played...or have just been in a relationship with someone we should never have been with. Love is hard to walk away from, but do you really want to be in something that causes this much pain, self hate, doubt, panic..etc....

 

Focus on you girl, you can get through this...I promise...you can

((HUGS)

[Samantha0905]

Lizzie-

I meant to comment on something you said last week-

The person his w is having an affair with is NOT another male-

its another female.

 

 

Interesting. I always feel like if my spouse had an affair with a man (I'm female), that would almost be easier to me. I would assume he had come out and there's nothing I could do about his sexual orientation. I haven't gone through the experience, however, so who knows?

 

DiDI is worth it. But he isn't. He is a cheater. He is a liar. I want her to have a full life with someone who thinks she hung the moon. I want her to have a life where she is loved so much it hurts. I want that man in her life to show her by ACTIONS - not lip service - now much she means to him.

 

Hmmm. After reading all of this, I'm not sure what is going on in this man's mind.

 

I do know that while I haven't agreed with a lot of what jennie-jennie has said to me while I've been on this forum, for some reason I am right there with her in most of her reasoning and advice in this thread.

 

Do you know him personally fooled? "He's a cheater. He's a liar." You assume he does not love DiDi, but how would you know for sure? We all do things sometimes we shouldn't. If we all are judged so harshly for our actions, I guess that means we're all cheaters and liars in some respects. I don't like labels. I'm sure the man has some finer qualities. He may care very much for DiDi and is totally confused at the moment.

 

Granted, it's never a good decision to have an extra-marital relationship.

 

What I see happening here (and this is merely speculation on my part) is he is feeling the sting of rejection from his wife.

 

 

 

It sounds like his response is to try to get back what was once his -- not necessarily because he wants it. I simply think rejection plays major mind games on people.

 

His response may be temporary. I don't know. He doesn't have to worry about children clouding the situation, so if he truly loves DiDi it shouldn't take him too long to figure things out. That is, if DiDi still has the same feelings for him. She may get him back and realize this blow was too much on their relationship. I'm a little concerned he is choosing to go back to a wife with whom he claims he feels no romantic attraction/intimacy. LOL about the 3rd boob, but if that is the case -- why would he choose to go back? Plus, it's a wife who is having an affair with another woman. I agree with DiDI in that I would hope this would be an "out" for him instead of a reason to go running back to his wife. As I said before, however, rejection really messes with some people's heads.

 

As for the affair/healthy love discussion, can it ever be? It seems it would always be unhealthy/harmful for someone(s) in the situation.

Edited December 6, 2009 by Samantha0905

[DiDi123]

Update:

 

He called me on Friday night and wanted to come over with a pizza.

He wanted to talk to me to tell me what's been going on. I said yes, and it wasn't so much because I wanted to see him, but I knew something was up and was concerned.

 

He finally told her he wasn't happy living the way he was and couldn't see himself living like that for another 30 years. He told her he wanted a divorce and is meeting with a mediator and his financial advisor this week. He didn't even mention the affair or the other things that have in the past upset him about her. Honestly, it seems as if he's just really realizing how unhappy he's been. And that's good for him.

 

What was her response? She emitted no emotion- no anger, no sadness, just told him that it was all his fault. I asked him how he felt about that- he said I'll take the blame for 50%- but it takes two. I just nodded throughout the conversation and said a couple of uh-huh's. I think her reaction was strange- just strange- no emotion? at all?

 

He told her he's getting the house appraised and its going on the market. She said ok. That's it. And everyday he said its as if they never had the conversation - that she is the same way she's been for weeks, months and years. No change whatsoever in her behavior. Does anyone else think this is odd?

 

What does this all mean for me? I have no idea. He has not told me he is doing this for me or for us to be together. I think he needs this time to figure out what he wants. I'm not sure where (if at all) I fit in. This "getting together" wasn't about me or us- it was about what he's going through.

 

And, you know what? I'm okay with that. I am much more relaxed and calm than I was. I'm ok with us being friends and him leaning on me as any other friend would.

 

It wasn't about me, this is about him and him making the right choices for himself. He has to come to the conclusions of what he wants- and I need to take a step back - NOT just for him, but for ME. I have to really figure out what I want also. He hurt me pretty bad and I have to find a way to resolve that within myself- and until I do I can't move on.

 

And I agree with Samantha- I think the initial shock of her A was a temporary one.

 

And I honestly don't know what I will or won't do in the future. I do know that he does care for me- but he's a person who's hurting and I can't turn my back on any of my friends. I know it was a difficult thing for him to discuss with me, not because it was me, but because he never was honest with himself before now and THAT was very important to him. To share this with me. He told me that I have helped him to grow and see life differently, and what it means to be happy.

 

And if we are ever going to have a chance- a true chance he needs to start being honest with himself. All along I have told him that he deserves to live a happy and healthy life. I could never understand (and told him this) why he would stay with someone he has no common interests with, or who doesn't meet any of his basic needs. Maybe he is figuring this out? I don't know.

 

But my days and nights are not spent pondering when will he call, when will I see him, because I know he will contact me when the time is right. And until then I will continue with my life.

 

He also told me that he never thought he'd meet someone who in 5 months would cause him to rethink his life in such a major way.

[DiDi123]

Let me just add one more thing about my last sentence-

IT WASN"T ME that really made him rethink his life- I think deep down he knew he was going to have to do something eventually and in turn when he met me and was happy and his needs were met, well that clicked.

 

I just think he is giving me to much credit.

[DiDi123]

Fooled Once-

Yes I'm eating, lol. I had a steak with grilled onions & asparagus tonight, and just had one brownie from a batch I made for myself yesterday!

 

Thanks for thinking of me!

[fooled once]

 

Do you know him personally fooled? "He's a cheater. He's a liar." You assume he does not love DiDi, but how would you know for sure? We all do things sometimes we shouldn't. If we all are judged so harshly for our actions, I guess that means we're all cheaters and liars in some respects. I don't like labels. I'm sure the man has some finer qualities. He may care very much for DiDi and is totally confused at the moment.

 

He IS a cheater and a liar. He is CHEATING on his wife and LYING to her. Why do I have to know him personally to know that?

 

Cheating isn't the same as other mistakes we all make in our day to day life Cheating is an active, knowing-what-you-are-doing-is-wrong-if-you-are-married kind of action.

 

How is me stating he is a liar and a cheater judging him harshly? I am stating FACT. That isn't judging - that is calling a spade a spade. YOU might want to sugar coat it and call it an oops, but not me.

 

What I see happening here (and this is merely speculation on my part) is he is feeling the sting of rejection from his wife.

 

Nice how once again, someone is blaming the wife. YOU have decided he is feeling the sting of rejection from his wife. HOW do YOU know that his wife rejected him? Do you know her personally?

 

DiDI *sigh*

 

PLEASE rethink the " I do know that he does care for me- but he's a person who's hurting and I can't turn my back on any of my friends."

 

He CANNOT lean on you IF he really does divorce his wife of 33 years. You were destroyed when he literally dumped you a few weeks ago. You cannot be his friend while he divorces ~ what I mean is, he has to navigate it himself. HE has to grow up and deal with it himself. He has to walk that journey by himself. HE has other friends to lean on. YOU cannot be the person he discusses it with because YOU are not impartial. You cannot turn the love off and just be a friend.

 

I know you won't like this but in MY view.... if he really loved you, he wouldn't dump that sh*t on you. That is HIS marriage to deal with - his divorce to deal with. He should care a little bit more about going from lover to nothing to friend. He should care enough about you to NOT burden you with his divorce stuff. Sorry, but that is how I truly feel. I know you are probably more optomistic than you were a week ago; but look at it this way. The thought of his wife having an affair knocked him on his butt. For him to untangle 33 years of a relationship with her - no matter how much he claims she is without emotion (sorry, I don't buy that), it is going to take time for them to get through it all. Selling a house in THIS market is okay if the owners are willing to let it go for way less than it is worth. But I have a feeling that isn't the case. Also, maybe she wants to stay in the house. He can't just make the unilateral decision to sell it. She does get a say so.

 

Just like with all their assets - from the toaster to retirement accounts. All of that will have to be dealt with. I divorced. As much as I wanted the divorce from my ex; we shared 9 years together. I went through every emotion. There was no way I could go from that right into a marriage or a relationship without processing what happened. I had to think about what I did to cause the break down of the marriage. I had to go through the guilt for hurting my ex (even though he was/is an AS*HOLE). I still had to process everything. And that was only after 9 years!! I can't image 33 years. He has to walk this journey alone and figure out things about himself.

 

I know you want me to be positive, but I just can't be right now. I probably will never like him for hurting you *hug* I could feel the hurt, sadness, utter heart break in your posts. *hug* I just don't trust him right now and I hope you are on guard too.

 

Sure, you guys can talk from time to time; but this is something HE needs to handle. His marriage, his divorce *hug*

 

I really want you happy. I hope you are still keeping yourself available to others. I hope if asked you do go out with someone else. You told me you wouldn't settle -- please stick with that.

 

*hug*

 

KEEP EATING KEEP WORKING OUT and keep smiling!!

[whichwayisup]

Update:

 

He called me on Friday night and wanted to come over with a pizza.

He wanted to talk to me to tell me what's been going on. I said yes, and it wasn't so much because I wanted to see him, but I knew something was up and was concerned.

 

Him doing this is wrong. If he truly cared about your feelings, he would just go ahead and do what he needs to do for the divorce. You shouldn't know each step he is taking, the rundown, the details, her reaction (which btw I think is odd, either he's lying to you or she's in shock and just hasn't reacted yet, which means it'll still happen.)

 

He finally told her he wasn't happy living the way he was and couldn't see himself living like that for another 30 years. He told her he wanted a divorce and is meeting with a mediator and his financial advisor this week. He didn't even mention the affair or the other things that have in the past upset him about her. Honestly, it seems as if he's just really realizing how unhappy he's been. And that's good for him.

 

Let's see if his actions follow what he's told you. Guess time will tell..

 

What was her response? She emitted no emotion- no anger, no sadness, just told him that it was all his fault. I asked him how he felt about that- he said I'll take the blame for 50%- but it takes two. I just nodded throughout the conversation and said a couple of uh-huh's. I think her reaction was strange- just strange- no emotion? at all?

 

Yes, strange. She could be in shock, or maybe she doesn't care. Time will tell, but I think once the dust settles, there WILL be a reaction of some kind.

 

He told her he's getting the house appraised and its going on the market. She said ok. That's it. And everyday he said its as if they never had the conversation - that she is the same way she's been for weeks, months and years. No change whatsoever in her behavior. Does anyone else think this is odd?

 

Yes. Again either she's in total shock and it hasn't sunk in yet, or she doesn't care.. Or, he's totally lying to you, to keep you interested, keep your hopes up so he can have you in his life longer. I don't know..But something feels very "off" about this...

 

What does this all mean for me? I have no idea. He has not told me he is doing this for me or for us to be together. I think he needs this time to figure out what he wants. I'm not sure where (if at all) I fit in. This "getting together" wasn't about me or us- it was about what he's going through.

Atleast he's not making promises. He may not know what will happen next.

 

Glad that you see he needs time and some space to figure this out.

 

And, you know what? I'm okay with that. I am much more relaxed and calm than I was. I'm ok with us being friends and him leaning on me as any other friend would.

 

Shield your heart. He shouldn't be relying on you during this process. I mean what if his wife has a huge change of heart and they really have afew good talks... Just don't want to see you get your hopes up and then have him turn around, tell you the d isn't going to happen after all... Anything can happen, it's out of your hands... Don't get too involved in his marriage and D.

 

It wasn't about me, this is about him and him making the right choices for himself. He has to come to the conclusions of what he wants- and I need to take a step back - NOT just for him, but for ME. I have to really figure out what I want also. He hurt me pretty bad and I have to find a way to resolve that within myself- and until I do I can't move on.

 

And I agree with Samantha- I think the initial shock of her A was a temporary one.

 

Yup, just a matter of time before a big reaction of some kind happens..

 

And I honestly don't know what I will or won't do in the future. I do know that he does care for me- but he's a person who's hurting and I can't turn my back on any of my friends. I know it was a difficult thing for him to discuss with me, not because it was me, but because he never was honest with himself before now and THAT was very important to him. To share this with me. He told me that I have helped him to grow and see life differently, and what it means to be happy.

 

What if your A with him has helped him get out of his marriage, but he isn't able to be with you once it's done? another reason to shield your loving kind heart. Just something about how all this has gone down, makes me think it's an exit affair.. Sorry.

 

And if we are ever going to have a chance- a true chance he needs to start being honest with himself. All along I have told him that he deserves to live a happy and healthy life. I could never understand (and told him this) why he would stay with someone he has no common interests with, or who doesn't meet any of his basic needs. Maybe he is figuring this out? I don't know.

 

Yes. And he needs counseling too. Time, space and therapy.

But my days and nights are not spent pondering when will he call, when will I see him, because I know he will contact me when the time is right. And until then I will continue with my life.

 

That's good! You have a healthy attitude about this!

 

He also told me that he never thought he'd meet someone who in 5 months would cause him to rethink his life in such a major way.

 

Again, atleast he isn't making you promises that he'll marry you.

 

Anyway, Didi, I think whatever happens you're strong enough to handle it.

[Alpha Female]

DiDi - how interesting!

 

Continue to be cautious here. Until you have some hard proof he is moving towards D, consider it all empty rhetoric.

 

In my case, my guy showed me his D filing receipt, and I was able to verify it all online. So for you, look to see if his house goes on the market when he says it will, and same thing for anything he's claiming hes going to move things along.

 

It could all lies just to keep you in the fold until he gets you back into being the OW full-time. Hopefully not, but until you have proof of his words, proceed with a yellow light.

[jennie-jennie]

DiDi - how interesting!

 

Continue to be cautious here. Until you have some hard proof he is moving towards D, consider it all empty rhetoric.

 

In my case, my guy showed me his D filing receipt, and I was able to verify it all online. So for you, look to see if his house goes on the market when he says it will, and same thing for anything he's claiming hes going to move things along.

 

It could all lies just to keep you in the fold until he gets you back into being the OW full-time. Hopefully not, but until you have proof of his words, proceed with a yellow light.

 

I wouldn't say it could be "lies", but it might still be empty words in the sense that your MM might not have the strength to follow through. I agree with Alpha, don't count on a divorce until you see proof.

[Alpha Female]

I wouldn't say it could be "lies", but it might still be empty words in the sense that your MM might not have the strength to follow through. I agree with Alpha, don't count on a divorce until you see proof.

 

Yes, thank you. Lies was too strong.

 

I think some MM really want to believe they are capable of real change. So, lets assume he is well-intended in saying what he is.

 

I just fear that hes knee-jerking to finding out about his Ws A, and trying to get some type of revenge or reaction. This isn't a game DiDi wants to be in the middle of.

 

DiDi - if you can, I still vote total NC with MM until he shows up with a signed D decree.

[jennie-jennie]

I wouldn't worry too much about the MM's reaction to the wife's affair. I would think that it was likely to be contributed to an initial shock. I wouldn't be surprised if he is past that by now. Her affair might actually make it easier now for him to proceed with a divorce.

 

I wonder about the wife's reaction. Denial perhaps? If you pretend nothing has changed, maybe it has not changed?

[Alpha Female]

I wonder about the wife's reaction. Denial perhaps? If you pretend nothing has changed, maybe it has not changed?

 

LOL. This reminds me of when Kramer kept showing up at a job he was even hire for.

 

Could be. I know my guys STBXW, while raging on him every chance she gets, also is so severely steeped in denial, its becoming scary. It could be that she doesnt believe him. Sometimes thats easier to swallow than reality.