MM broke it off...how do I cope with pain?

[fooled once]

NO where in my post did I suggest anything of the kind:rolleyes:

 

Seriously, I appreciate at times your directness, but at times people do need to cry, feel sorry for themselves... there are allowed a hagadez day, and I agree with Jennie.... not YOU or anyone else knows what he is thinking, FAR to fresh..so why not empathize a bit ( right you do between blows) and let her feel it.... pretty important if she is going to get through it.

 

Too early to know anything, especially considering he just found out about his W affair.... the emotions are running ramped on all sides.

 

Back off. Put me on ignore. As you can see, DiDi had NO issue with my post. So quit focusing on ME and focus on the OP and her issue.

 

As for the MM coming back; sure they do - for sex. 9 times out of 10, they DO NOT leave their wives. Look at the ones on here who have stayed around for YEARS waiting ---- and they are still waiting.

 

So sure, fill her head with the "he will come back" but also remember to tell her it isn't because he divorced his wife. He came back because the OW is satisfied being the OW and nothing more.

[DiDi123]

JW-

I don't know

I don't know

I don't know

 

I asked him this morning those questions- I think he was more surprised about her affair and asked him what he was really upset regarding that- was he upset bc she beat him to the punch? he said no not really, was he jealous? he said no. Did you feel betrayed and feel hurt? Finally I got a yes. don't think he ever thought she would do that. I also told him then that he must care more about his marriage than he let on to me. He said that he feels he owes it to her to talk to her and find out what she wants to do and then he can tell her want he wants and go from there.

 

Don't forget- she doesn't know he knows yet- she's denied her affair until now.

 

I would think this all would be easy for him now (to some degree)- bc if she's having an affair...then what's holding him back?

 

Maybe there are some MM out there that can help me figure out what is going on here.

 

Also, I don't think I can be friends with him. Does that saying really mean its over? Completely?

[DiDi123]

Thank you all for your posts. I have no problem with anyone. I'm grateful for

everyones help. I am just so devasted.

 

But I know I won't come home early tomorrow to see him.

 

I know I won't make that ridiculous request of sex only without a relationship (what was I thinking when I typed that?)

[whichwayisup]

OMG, this is about his ego. It has been OK for him to cheat, have an affair, but it's not OK for her? She probably realized how dead the marriage was, he's never home anyway, paid no affection/love to her and chose to go look elsewhere..EXACTLY what he has done.

 

It's not about you or her..It's about HIM.

 

I am SO HAPPY you see you can't be friends with him. Doesn't mean it's over completely, but it certianly means you realize that it isn't good for you or your mental health. PUT YOU first sweetheart. He is looking out for himself and it's time you do the same for you.

 

so I wonder if something happened between them Saturday night.....maybe I'm just out of my mind and paranoid, and making myself crazy????

 

Don't go there. You will never know what goes on between them, behind closed doors. It is what it is, it's out of your control. Focus on you and take each it all one day at a time.

 

If possible, take some time off - Book a vacation, with a trusted woman friend. Even if it's a weekend at at hotel in your city, you can have a spa day, massage, facial, pedicure, manicure.. Ladies time. And have abit of fun..You need to laugh and try to destress.

 

Can I post my email address here? I am still relatively new here so I am not sure what the rules are.

Don't..Just keep posting and replying ,,get your post count up, and soon enough you'll have PM access.

[justforfun]

Not being mean but that's not a reasonable reaction to a break up in any relationship. I would be really freaked out if I became like that.

 

That can't be healthy for you or your kids. I'd really have to think hard about this relationship and the potential damage it is and could do to me.

 

The first times I literally thought I would throw up. I started hulking. I was genuinely sick to my stomach.

 

Luckily it would never go very long before he was back. It varied between hours and days.

 

The longest time was the NC for 6 days this fall. I stopped being hungry and thirsty. I was very depressed. I lay in bed mostly. It was pure hell. After a couple of days I started kind of maniacally doing things. I was all over the place. Then he texted me. I made him sweat a little. Made him ask me to call. The reunion was sweet. But when I tried to set new boundaries the next day, I had no success. He knew he wanted me back, but he was still not ready to leave his wife.

 

I know I want him in my life. But I have my kids and my house. I am middle age. Even as a MM he gives me more than any man ever has before.

[justforfun]

JW-

I asked him this morning those questions- I think he was more surprised about her affair and asked him what he was really upset regarding that- was he upset bc she beat him to the punch? he said no not really, was he jealous? he said no. Did you feel betrayed and feel hurt? Finally I got a yes. don't think he ever thought she would do that. I also told him then that he must care more about his marriage than he let on to me. He said that he feels he owes it to her to talk to her and find out what she wants to do and then he can tell her want he wants and go from there.

 

It sounds like he hadn't considered the possibility of his wife cheating on him. Now he is hurt and devastated. It seems obvious that he cares more about his marriage than you thought. I don't think he cares more than he let on. He made it clear how much he cares about his marriage by staying in his marriage and not getting out to be with you.

 

Why would he feel he owes it to her to talk to her? What does he owe her if she has cheated on him. She has broken the marital contract I would be hard pressed to find what he owed her. IMO, he wants to save his marriage. He's said it to you but it seems like your not hearing it or wanting to hear it.

 

He wants to talk to his wife to see what SHE wants to do. He doesn't express that he has any wants, needs or desires to be with you except as an A. SHE will either want to leave and be with her A partner or stay and work on her marriage. Where do you fit in with what he is planning to do?

[Lizzie60]

Maybe once she finds out that he knows about her affair.. she might want to leave to be with her OM.. only THEN will he might consider being with you.. only if SHE dumps him... not good for you.. you'll then be the, what we call in French the 'bouche-trou'... (not sure how to translate it).. it means.. that you'd be the 'better-than-nothing' partner..

[someonesangel]

As for the MM coming back; sure they do - for sex. 9 times out of 10, they DO NOT leave their wives. Look at the ones on here who have stayed around for YEARS waiting ---- and they are still waiting.

 

So sure, fill her head with the "he will come back" but also remember to tell her it isn't because he divorced his wife. He came back because the OW is satisfied being the OW and nothing more.

 

First, I did NOT say he will come back.... honest to god, this place is so predictable. God forbid someone say step back, work on your pain and NOT browbeat the MM or anyone who could possibly suggest it is too soon to tell.

 

And all this in the "same" pot. ..... such a bunch of crap! No, it is not all the same. My MM came back.... in fact more so emotionally than ever before... do you know when? After doing two month of IC...... why? because at first his primary concern was his girls, go figure.... the fires, the pain that we had caused... now 4 months later and 2 months into contact ( and while we have kissed and loved each other, no sex.... again amazing) I have told him to continue the IC, it is breaking through, and we have agreed for us, not his M, that we will give ourselves some time to see where we are.

 

I don't buy the masses..... and told him as much last night... the funny thing, if he leaves ... he leaves on his own accord and we together will work through councilling to move forward.

 

not ALL are the same... and not all will say it is ending because of an affair but statistics are staggering and to the reality, MEN have a much more difficult time letting go of the W affair.

 

Stop assuming, yes his world has been turned up side down but in no way does that mean he will stay... the SAME way you keep suggesting the opposite..... in fact, most men here walk away after the W has strayed... so it is too soon to tell, simple really.

 

Maybe next week all this tough love will help.... but I have been there... and it is falling on deaf ears, regardless of what you think.

 

I have only suggested she let herself feel it, not encouraged her, feel it and let some clarity come in then she can start to peice it together.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe next week all this tough love will help.... but I have been there... and it is falling on deaf ears, regardless of what you think.

 

It isn't falling on deaf ears. Didi has thanked FO, wasn't offended by her post at all, As upset as she is, she IS reading advice and appreciating it too.

[candoit]

I feel your pain , i broke it of with my mm 5 days n/c today . It is so difficult , I am taking pills just to get by , I have no appetite , food tastes like paper . just be strong . Give him his space

[whichwayisup]

Candoit..Congrats on 5 days NC!!!

 

Sorry to tj, just needed to say that..

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i am right there with you too. although i dont keep track of the NC. and i dont even know if i'm considered NC since he talks to me at work. but the pain is still there and its real and it cuts like a knife.

 

i dont eat, dont sleep. i dont take pills, but i do drink. a lot. its my only escape from the pain.

 

i hope you find peace and quickly. this is such a tough place to be.

[jwi71]

I asked him this morning those questions- I think he was more surprised about her affair and asked him what he was really upset regarding that- was he upset bc she beat him to the punch? he said no not really, was he jealous? he said no. Did you feel betrayed and feel hurt? Finally I got a yes. don't think he ever thought she would do that. I also told him then that he must care more about his marriage than he let on to me. He said that he feels he owes it to her to talk to her and find out what she wants to do and then he can tell her want he wants and go from there.

 

1) Glad you have resumed the blood flow to your brain.

2) And that's kinda the crux of the matter...he, at the very least misled, you about his M. And I'm be REAL generous here. I also promise there are yet more lies for you to uncover.

3) Why in the hell does HE need HER input on what to do next in a dead stagnant M where each ignores the other? Oh come on DiDi, we both know that's a crock...

 

Don't forget- she doesn't know he knows yet- she's denied her affair until now.

So what. Who cares. It doesn't matter.

 

I would think this all would be easy for him now (to some degree)- bc if she's having an affair...then what's holding him back?

His love for her...that's what.

 

Sadly Didi, this is just the beginning of what I fear is nasty truths.

 

Maybe there are some MM out there that can help me figure out what is going on here.

Stop worrying about HIS M. Focus on YOU. Ignore him.

 

Also, I don't think I can be friends with him. Does that saying really mean its over? Completely?

Listen to what he says and then watch what he does.

For an honest man, words will support his actions and his actions will support his words. Think back. Pay attention NOW.

 

Is what he tells you supported by his actions?

[justforfun]

Sadly your description of your pain is all to common on here. Have you considered that there is a certain personality type that is more likely to get involved in an affair with a married man?

 

 

 

i am right there with you too. although i dont keep track of the NC. and i dont even know if i'm considered NC since he talks to me at work. but the pain is still there and its real and it cuts like a knife.

 

i dont eat, dont sleep. i dont take pills, but i do drink. a lot. its my only escape from the pain.

 

i hope you find peace and quickly. this is such a tough place to be.

[Meranna]

I know I won't make that ridiculous request of sex only without a relationship (what was I thinking when I typed that?)

 

Haha I actually went far enough to tell my ex-MM this once. We had a really bad period a few years back, looking back on it now I realize he was trying to get me to see that our relationship wasn't good for me. I was under the impression that some of him was better than nothing, so I told him that. I really regret it now, I'm not the type to be clingy or needy either, much less the type to disrespect myself that much.

 

Also, I don't think I can be friends with him. Does that saying really mean its over? Completely?

 

I've been NC/LC with my exMM now for 2 1/2 months, I know I can't just be friends with him right now (maybe never) because my feelings for him are still very strong, I would be in it for all the wrong reasons and would only be hurting myself more. You can't just be friends with him right now because you HAVE to protect yourself, you MUST love yourself enough to do that for you.

 

As for your pills, watch yourself, you have people out there that love you, keep them in mind. I will admit that I turned to drinking during those first few weeks, I'm not much of a drinker and my father is an alcoholic, so I was worried but didn't care, I needed something. I made myself wait until 8pm at night, I wouldn't let myself drink during the day. So I felt the pain during the day but knew later that I would have something to ease it a bit. A switch flipped on for me about a month ago and I just stopped, didn't need it anymore. I do, however, still need sleeping pills every night to get to sleep, if not for them I would be up all night analyzing EVERYTHING about exMM, our relationship, the future, etc. It is NORMAL to turn to other sources to help you through times like this, but care about yourself enough to control it, don't let it overtake you.

 

((((((Didi))))), the pain you are feeling is devastating, I know what it's like, but IT WILL GET BETTER!!!!! I still have a long way to go but I'm making progress. Accept the pain for what it is and realize that you are only hurting because you were capable of loving someone so much. Your MM is trying to be a good person and is trying to make things right, give him the time he needs to do that. You don't want to be with someone who wouldn't try to do whatever it takes to make his marriage work. If he tries to do what he can and it doesn't work, he can leave KNOWING it was over, with no regrets in that aspect. I realize that's hard to understand but I'm going through the same thing too right now. You need to take the time to make yourself right. IT'S TIME TO WORRY ABOUT YOU! If someone you loved was hurting like you, what would you do for them? Do that for yourself.

 

Keep yourself busy, try to finish the work he's started around the house, it will give you something to do. I started remodeling every room in my house LOL! Pick a room and give it a new coat of paint, try a color you never thought of doing, go a little crazy with it! I signed up for some classes just to get myself out of the house and meet other people. Anything to keep my mind off him and to move on.

 

YOU WILL BE OK!!!

[DiDi123]

It sounds like he hadn't considered the possibility of his wife cheating on him. Now he is hurt and devastated. It seems obvious that he cares more about his marriage than you thought. I don't think he cares more than he let on. He made it clear how much he cares about his marriage by staying in his marriage and not getting out to be with you.

 

Why would he feel he owes it to her to talk to her? What does he owe her if she has cheated on him. She has broken the marital contract I would be hard pressed to find what he owed her. IMO, he wants to save his marriage. He's said it to you but it seems like your not hearing it or wanting to hear it.

 

He wants to talk to his wife to see what SHE wants to do. He doesn't express that he has any wants, needs or desires to be with you except as an A. SHE will either want to leave and be with her A partner or stay and work on her marriage. Where do you fit in with what he is planning to do?

 

Justforfun-

I did actually ask him about this. I asked how can it be that our relationship is contingent on what she wants? What about what YOU want? Why doesn't what YOU want rank up there with what she wants? I asked him why doesn't he feel worthy enough to be happy? He said that it does but he can't just throw away 33 plus years with someone even though the last 10 haven't been very good.

And I did ask where do I fit in to all this. He said he is concerned about her and me. Oh- and the other thing he did was call her by his first name...he's never done that before. Just leads me to believe that he does care more than he let on. His answers to me are all along the same lines- I don't know and I don't have any answers for you. And yes I guess what he is saying that I'm not hearing is that he wants to figure out what's going on in that relationship before he "starts" another one. I did say that this was of no concern to him several months ago, so what changed? I mean what has changed since Friday night when we were together?

 

I am up again 2:45AM. I did fall asleep for a few hours (passed out) might be a more accurate description.....I feel like I am dying a slow death- or I'm a horse with a broken leg. Wish someone would just shoot me and put me out of my misery.

 

I am truly appreciative of everyones posts and advice/opinions.

Thank you. I just don't know how to cope with this.

[DiDi123]

I've been NC/LC with my exMM now for 2 1/2 months, I know I can't just be friends with him right now (maybe never) because my feelings for him are still very strong, I would be in it for all the wrong reasons and would only be hurting myself more. You can't just be friends with him right now because you HAVE to protect yourself, you MUST love yourself enough to do that for you.

Yes I know I can't do this. But I miss him terribly.....

 

As for your pills, watch yourself, you have people out there that love you, keep them in mind. I will admit that I turned to drinking during those first few weeks, I'm not much of a drinker and my father is an alcoholic, so I was worried but didn't care, I needed something.

 

Right now its about surviving another minute, hour and day. I really don't care about anyone else right now. I am just in pain. Horrible tortured pain.

 

I do, however, still need sleeping pills every night to get to sleep, if not for them I would be up all night analyzing EVERYTHING about exMM, our relationship, the future, etc. It is NORMAL to turn to other sources to help you through times like this, but care about yourself enough to control it, don't let it overtake you.

 

Yep this is me. And here I am up in the middle of the night.

 

Your MM is trying to be a good person and is trying to make things right, give him the time he needs to do that. You don't want to be with someone who wouldn't try to do whatever it takes to make his marriage work. If he tries to do what he can and it doesn't work, he can leave KNOWING it was over, with no regrets in that aspect.

 

I think you are right. He is trying to do the decent thing- but only to make himself feel better- then he can leave with a clear mind.

 

But, I know I sound like a broken record- but how can he just walk away from me? How? What about everything he said to me? That's all I can think about- everything is racing through my mind- all the things he has said and done....

 

But none of this matters.....does it?

He wants time to figure things out- whatever that really means and doesn't want me in his life. That's the bottom line.

[Fallen Angel]

[/b]

 

Justforfun-

I did actually ask him about this. I asked how can it be that our relationship is contingent on what she wants? What about what YOU want? Why doesn't what YOU want rank up there with what she wants? I asked him why doesn't he feel worthy enough to be happy? He said that it does but he can't just throw away 33 plus years with someone even though the last 10 haven't been very good.

 

 

Just keep reading that over and over and you will see that he has every intention of fixing his marriage.

 

He is not looking for a way out.

 

I am so sorry.

 

I wish it were different for you, I wish it was different for all of us.

 

I wish married people would see the kind of pain they can inflict when they start relationships with people outside of their marriages, and I wish we were all strong enough to tell them to go jump in a f-ing lake when they try.

 

((HUGS to you my hurting friend)) I hope it gets better soon.

[jennie-jennie]

As for the MM coming back; sure they do - for sex. 9 times out of 10, they DO NOT leave their wives. Look at the ones on here who have stayed around for YEARS waiting ---- and they are still waiting.

 

So sure, fill her head with the "he will come back" but also remember to tell her it isn't because he divorced his wife. He came back because the OW is satisfied being the OW and nothing more.

 

The MM don't come back for sex. They come back for the relationship they had.

 

Where did you get that number from - 9 out of 10? I am reading this book "Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment" by therapist Emily Brown. She refers to a study by Lawson from 1988 which states that almost 50% of the marriages having affairs ended. Out of these 50%, 10% married their lover.

[jennie-jennie]

Didi, did you become a member of LS in late October? If I am not mistaken, one needs to have been a member for one month and have posted 50 posts to get PM rights.

 

I agree with someonesangel that it is too early to draw conclusions. Even your MM is telling you so. He doesn't have the answers himself yet. You need to live in this vaccuum of not knowing what is and what will happen. It is going to be hard after all the love and support he has been giving you, to be without him for any amount of time. Just try to live through it one hour, one minute at a time. Post, it helps.

 

Once you feel a little better, I do think it would be good for you to consider what future options are okay with you. If he does come back, what are you willing and what are you not willing to accept? Will you only take him back if he has decided to divorce his wife? Would you consider being the OW for an indefinite amount of time?

 

As you can see there are many of us here who have felt the pain you are having now. You are not alone.

 

((((Didi))))

[DiDi123]

Thank you to all of you. You have no idea how much I appreciate your input and concern. It is helping me a lot.

I did manage to get my butt to work- Finally decided trying to sleep wasn't going to happen. So I am here trying my best to forget about him and the fact he will be at my house today. Made sure (as corny as is sounds) to listen to Gloria Gaynors's I Will Survive and Cher's I'm Strong Enough to Live without You this morning over and over and over. I know stupid. But I am just so heartbroken. Never imagined this.

 

Future options are the easy part for me to decide. Marriage- plain and simple. No more coming in 2nd or not being a priority. That I know. And that he knows also. One of the last things he said to me was that I was a good and wonderful person and I don't deserve to be 2nd. And he also said he knows I want a long-term committment (with marriage) and he just isn't sure that he can give that to me. This I have totally upfront with to him from DAY 1. I did tell him that I would only see him if he thought he could look to getting married again. At the time he said absolutely and I believed him. I reminded him of this yesterday morning- that I based MY decision to start dating him BASED on what he told me about his marriage and the possibility of getting married again. NOW he doesn't know if he ever wants to get married again- which I think he's saying as a lame excuse to get of this relationship with me. I don't know if he said that subconsiously or not- but I know he realizes that his marriage is probably over and he has to process all of that- which I do know he is struggling with. But that's something he has to work through- by himself. What I am trying to say is that if he says "I don't know if I ever want to get married again", that leads me to believe that he knows his marriage is headed for divorce. I don't think he'll want to stay with after her having an affair for 2 years. But none of that means anything for me and him working out.

 

I just feel horrible. And in pain. I can't stop thinking about that he's going to be at my home this morning. And I know, I know, I will not leave early and go see him. I wonder if he'll call when he's done.....

[DiDi123]

candoit-

I ate nothing yesterday- I understand the no appetite thing. I had coffee in the morning with him, but couldn't manage to even choke down a muffin. Then after I woke up from my dug induced stupor I had a cup of tea. I have no desire to eat or really drink anything. I feel like its the only thing I have control over.

 

The other thing is I find myself taking several showers a day- and let the water get so hot that its almost painful and just stand there.

 

I am so sad. My eyes won't stop from welling up with tears.

[DiDi123]

Lizzie-

Yes I sort of thought about that. Once she realizes he knows she may dump him and pursue the divorce and it did cross my mind that I would sort of be the fall back person.

 

But I don't know if I could take him back- I mean I do love him and I know we could be happy but I would definately have to seen a major effort on his part to truly want me and want to be with me unconditionally.

 

A lot of things go through my mind about thing. First and foremost that is a long way off if, and only if it ever happens. And I'm sure about if I could trust him with my heart again. I just don't know. I think I might be able to, but, well there's no use thinking about that because it is a long way off if it ever happens.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Didi - I am so sorry for what you are going through. I could have written each and every word of how you are feeling. I went through the exact same thing. About a month ago I had several days of what you are describing. I look back, it was all a big blur. After a few days I came out of it. Not recovered, just that mechanical sort of functioning that someone else described. It was better. I then, fell back into it for some reason or another. Another few dark, depressing days. Yesterday was a little better and today so far, ok. I think this is a long painful journey. But I am hopeful because I see the trend that the overwhelming pain eventually lifts a little bit. there will be some relief. not total relief but it will ease. hang in there.

[jennie-jennie]

Didi, I am glad you made it to work. Try to make sure you eat and drink even though you don't feel hungry and thirsty. It doesn't have to be the same amounts as usual, but be sure to get something down.

 

Good for you that you have been clear from day 1 what you want. Now does that mean that you are not prepared to go back to being the OW at all from now on?

 

I don't agree with those who think your MM's reaction to his wife's betrayal is strange. He feels hurt and betrayed, natural feelings when someone close to you has hid something of this magnitude from you. His world was not what he thought it was. He has to come to terms with that.

Edited November 23, 2009 by jennie-jennie