after 20+ years she wants a divorce??

[g450]

Now, who's the BEST poster on this board?

 

What do you mean this is your Friday?

 

Youuuuuu Aaaaaarrrreeee.

 

Im off tomorrow. Or tomorrow (Friday morning 2am).

Going to hit the club with some friends Fri night and Ill keep in mind what you said. I do tend to stay away from places that have an abundance of 20 year olds. Luckily there is one place in my town that has lots of 40 and 50 year olds.

Edited June 11, 2010 by g450

[g450]

Is your ex out of your mind yet?

 

Well she was out all this weekend. She manages to creep in there from time to time though. She is emotionally blackmailing my Son right now so Im not happy about that.

 

I have found that the best way to not think about a woman is to be with another woman. Even if it's just a friend calling you on the phone etc.

It's like hair of the dog that divorced you.

 

Waking up in the morning is the worst part of it though. I guess my sub-concience (sleep) mind does not realize it's divorced yet. Every morning it's a fresh realization.

[g450]

How old are you kids and how is your ex-wife blacking mailing your son?

 

Only have one Son and he is grown. Not really blackmailing him since it is his decision to make but he feels like it is.

 

She lives in his house and rents from him. He recently moved back into our area in TX and is staying with me temporarily. He plans on getting an appartment so that he and his GF can have some privacy. Makes sense to me. He is "in luv". :bunny:

 

He told his mother this and she flew off the handle. She told him that he has two choices. Either come live with her in (his) house or she will move out and he will have to take full financial responsibility for his mortgage. Note that he could barely afford this house on his own so this would be a hardship for him.

 

I did tell him he has a third option. He could simply stay with his old Dad for free and this would solve the problem. Today he decided to move into his house with his mother. Things are going to get interesting now.

But I am free of the drama since we have zero contact and this was his decision to make and he made it. It makes sense for him to live there since he is renovating it so that he can sell his house to his mother or to whomever.

 

Still though, I feel sad that my XW would stoop to blackmail to get him to move back in. I guess she finally figured out that living alone with her fair weather facebook friends at age 55 was not the paradise she envisioned.

 

In the end I think this may be a good thing. His dad will always be around and be a rock for him but his mom flew over the coocoo's nest back in Feb. He should spend some time with her.

[seibert253]

Well she was out all this weekend. She manages to creep in there from time to time though. She is emotionally blackmailing my Son right now so Im not happy about that.

 

I have found that the best way to not think about a woman is to be with another woman. Even if it's just a friend calling you on the phone etc.

It's like hair of the dog that divorced you.

 

Waking up in the morning is the worst part of it though. I guess my sub-concience (sleep) mind does not realize it's divorced yet. Every morning it's a fresh realization.

 

Living well is the best revenge.

 

How did several of my buds get revenge on their X's? They married better women the 2nd time around.

 

Nothing is better at taking your mind off woman A, than woman B.

 

Peace,

[g450]

Living well is the best revenge.

 

How did several of my buds get revenge on their X's? They married better women the 2nd time around.

 

Nothing is better at taking your mind off woman A, than woman B.

 

Peace,

 

That is absolutely true I have found. When somebody throws a nuke at you, then you go defcon 5 and launch your own.

 

But honestly, I wish no ill towards her. She gave me a Son and 23 years of her life as have I. I try to look at the possitives of my marriage even though it is now over.

 

One thing for certain is that I will be VERY picky the next go round. Being on the wrong side of 40, I can't afford to make a mistake now. I have to get it right this time.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You got a second chance to do things right!

 

Also your son needs to be a man and kick her the hell out who is she to be giving ultimatums it is his house. He can take out non drama renters and have her ass removed!!! screw that!

 

You sound alot stronger GT40. Your gonna be fine. Continue with NC and make a better life without her.

[sugarbritches]

Wow what a great thread. Thanks a ton.

 

That really boosted my self esteem.

 

And just in the nick of time too since this is my Friday. Wish me luck.

 

 

 

I was married for 22 years, I too was divorced this past Feb.

We seperated a few years ago. It took me everybit of 2 years before he wasn't my first though every morning and my last though every night.

 

Give yourself time, you will make it.

 

I also respect the fact that you are responsible and think about your future, the comments about you planing for death were wrong. Some people never worry about tomorrow, some do!

[g450]

I was married for 22 years, I too was divorced this past Feb.

We seperated a few years ago. It took me everybit of 2 years before he wasn't my first though every morning and my last though every night.

 

Give yourself time, you will make it.

 

I also respect the fact that you are responsible and think about your future, the comments about you planing for death were wrong. Some people never worry about tomorrow, some do!

 

Thanks. That means a lot.

 

Cant understand how some people get to their mid to late 40s with no plans for retirement, no goals, no financial plan, no mortgage, no responsibility. Guess they think they will live forever.

 

I have seen friends and family do this and it is sad. Had one friend of the family die alone in his apartment last year with nothing but debt to his name. He was in his 40s. Sad.

 

That aside, divorce can cause situations like these. Most often the XW takes everything and leaves the XH with little to no future financially speaking. This is why some divorces end up in suicide.

 

At least I know that my Son will be financially much better off when I go. Cant say the same for her.

[sugarbritches]

Thanks. That means a lot.

 

Cant understand how some people get to their mid to late 40s with no plans for retirement, no goals, no financial plan, no mortgage, no responsibility. Guess they think they will live forever.

 

I have seen friends and family do this and it is sad. Had one friend of the family die alone in his apartment last year with nothing but debt to his name. He was in his 40s. Sad.

 

That aside, divorce can cause situations like these. Most often the XW takes everything and leaves the XH with little to no future financially speaking. This is why some divorces end up in suicide.

 

At least I know that my Son will be financially much better off when I go. Cant say the same for her.

 

 

My father told me when I first started working to plan for my retirement. At 16 I though yea right. I started saving for retirement at age 21.

I was lucky in my divorce, he didn't have a lawyer and I did, he didn't get a cent of my retirement. The house we had owned for 20 years and is almost paid off, I agreed to pay it off and we are leaving it to our children.

 

You will get thru this. At first it doesn't seem that way as days go by it gets easier.

Its hard when they were your partner for so many years, but now if I see my ex I feel nothing but pity for the man that he has turned in to.

[Windsurf66]

That aside, divorce can cause situations like these. Most often the XW takes everything and leaves the XH with little to no future financially speaking. This is why some divorces end up in suicide.

QUOTE]

 

And sometimes ended up in homicide as well

[g450]

That aside, divorce can cause situations like these. Most often the XW takes everything and leaves the XH with little to no future financially speaking. This is why some divorces end up in suicide.

QUOTE]

 

And sometimes ended up in homicide as well

 

Yep. A cop once told me that domestic disputes where the most dangerous thing for them to attend to for that reason.

 

When somebody takes away the one person you loved and trusted the most, your dignity, your children, your pride, your home and what you spent your entire adult life working for and leaves you in ruin at an age where starting over is impossible...that is a recipe for disaster!

 

At one point I remember telling my XW that if she tried to take my house I would burn it to the ground. Affairs and divorce will make you do some crazy chit.

 

Things arent quite that bad for me. Im pretty well off compared to most but others in this and other forums have been raked over the coals big time. I see it all the time.

 

With so many people getting divorced this late in life now, it is a small miracle that we do not have an epademic of people climbing clock towers with an uzi. Seriously!

Edited June 17, 2010 by g450
speelin

[AVR1962]

My husband I have been together for 21 years and I could see myself doing the same as your wife. Years of unhappiness somewhere along the way. Sounds to me she stayed to raise your son and now that he is no longer at home she feels there is no other reason to save the marriage. Knowing women she talked plenty and I wonder just how much you heard and took to heart. I have had the same complaint with my husband for years and they never change as if I had never said a word. I have a good friend who was married 20 years and she too filed for divorce, same reason and her husband was clueless. I would suggest joint marriage counseling to your wife before any papers are filed and open your heart and mind to what you contributed to the downfall.

[g450]

My husband I have been together for 21 years and I could see myself doing the same as your wife. Years of unhappiness somewhere along the way. Sounds to me she stayed to raise your son and now that he is no longer at home she feels there is no other reason to save the marriage. Knowing women she talked plenty and I wonder just how much you heard and took to heart. I have had the same complaint with my husband for years and they never change as if I had never said a word. I have a good friend who was married 20 years and she too filed for divorce, same reason and her husband was clueless. I would suggest joint marriage counseling to your wife before any papers are filed and open your heart and mind to what you contributed to the downfall.

 

Joint marraige couneselling? Well she never voice her complaint so I call BS on that. Even when I asked her she said "its not you its me". WTF?

 

I told her MC, MD, and she refused. And for the record my divorce is now final. Its done. She DID NOT even try to save our marriage. She was too deep into her online affair with her lover from 36 years ago. Sorry if I do not meet your expectations of the typical negligent bad husband. But that's not me. If you knew me in person you would know that.

 

She never gave me a clue so you have no idea. Even when she started her affair with her HS boyfriend she hid in the shaddows and spoke to him with a whisper. How can you justify that?

 

I do not buy that BS! If you are so unhappy then say something. Never heard a word! I spent my life savings buying her the boy toy little red sports car that she wanted for $25,000+. Where am I now? broke and wondering why my XW left me.

 

She never gave me any fighting chance at all. So dont preach to me about what I should have done. I never had a f****ing chance in hell of doing that!.

[Windsurf66]

What?! Yr exW took $25K from you to buy a sports car for her toy boy?

[g450]

What?! Yr exW took $25K from you to buy a sports car for her toy boy?

 

No, I bought it for her for Xmas. I just gave it a nick name "boy toy car". We laughed about that.

 

And I need to appologize for my last post. Got home late and had been drinking so I vented a bit. Nother personal guys.

 

Remember, dont drink and post LOL.

 

And for the record, all she had to do was say "our marriage is in trouble". And I would have moved heaven and earth to change things. Not a peep. Why? Probably because she was too busy having marathon phone conversations and texing sessions with her online boyfriend.

Edited June 19, 2010 by g450
added content

[Corporate]

What?! Yr exW took $25K from you to buy a sports car for her toy boy?

 

But, I wouldn't be surprised if her boy toy is now riding it.

[g450]

But, I wouldn't be surprised if her boy toy is now riding it.

 

It's OK really. I got the truck, the jeep and the house.

 

She really kind of screwed herself. As luck would have it, some women are so deep into their MLC that they do not think straight and wind up screwing themselves. But mostly it was about her guilt mainly as she was having an affair before the divorce bomb and during the divorce and lied to me about it. Didn't find about about "him" until two months after the divorce was finalized.

[2sunny]

It's OK really. I got the truck, the jeep and the house.

 

She really kind of screwed herself. As luck would have it, some women are so deep into their MLC that they do not think straight and wind up screwing themselves. But mostly it was about her guilt mainly as she was having an affair before the divorce bomb and during the divorce and lied to me about it. Didn't find about about "him" until two months after the divorce was finalized.

 

 

didn't many folks here tell you to start looking in to the real reason why she pulled away?

 

here, normally most will encourage the OP to start paying attention to what they can't seem to see when the WS is involved with someone else.

 

didn't you get that prompt when you first arrived?

[g450]

[/b]

 

 

didn't many folks here tell you to start looking in to the real reason why she pulled away?

 

here, normally most will encourage the OP to start paying attention to what they can't seem to see when the WS is involved with someone else.

 

didn't you get that prompt when you first arrived?

 

Well she hid her affair very well. It was easy since it was an online affair all she had to do was password protect her laptop and guard her cellphone. And she did exactly that. Thing is I was working my ass of trying to find out if she was cheating but I thought he would be local. Not the case.

 

Was my marriage perfect? No. But I tried to give her everything she wanted and I truly loved the woman. Hell I still do. Our problems were miniscule compared to most. Hardly Biblical grounds for divorce. She was simply waiting for the right time to leave and picked a date on the callendar. Simple as that.

 

She is in MLC. You cant help a person who does not want to be helped or who does not think they are ill. Lord knows I tried. But she didnt give me a chance at all. Even after the divorce I asked her what she would have done had I played dirty and forced her to go to MC and she told me she would have divorced me anyway. Of course I had no clue she was having an online affair at the time. Wish I knew back then.

 

She kept telling me she simply did not love me anymore. So be it. Once they think they love somebody else they have to justify what they are doing by making you the bad guy in their mind and by falling out of love with you.

 

The irony here is that you should not love somebody that doesnt love you back. Logic dictates this yet for some of us we have a hard time letting go. It's called unconditional love. Just how I feel. I can't help it.

[2sunny]

Well she hid her affair very well. It was easy since it was an online affair all she had to do was password protect her laptop and guard her cellphone. And she did exactly that. Thing is I was working my ass of trying to find out if she was cheating but I thought he would be local. Not the case.

 

Was my marriage perfect? No. But I tried to give her everything she wanted and I truly loved the woman. Hell I still do. Our problems were miniscule compared to most. Hardly Biblical grounds for divorce. She was simply waiting for the right time to leave and picked a date on the callendar. Simple as that.

 

She is in MLC. You cant help a person who does not want to be helped or who does not think they are ill. Lord knows I tried. But she didnt give me a chance at all. Even after the divorce I asked her what she would have done had I played dirty and forced her to go to MC and she told me she would have divorced me anyway. Of course I had no clue she was having an online affair at the time. Wish I knew back then.

 

She kept telling me she simply did not love me anymore. So be it. Once they think they love somebody else they have to justify what they are doing by making you the bad guy in their mind and by falling out of love with you.

 

The irony here is that you should not love somebody that doesnt love you back. Logic dictates this yet for some of us we have a hard time letting go. It's called unconditional love. Just how I feel. I can't help it.

 

you still didn't answer the question. you were told to start snooping. WHEN a W password protects her computer or anything for that matter - that is where you look first.

 

water under the bridge.

 

just wanted to make note of the fact that many married folks don't pay enough attention to their prompts when something is "off."

 

you gotta check when things don't seem right.

[g450]

you still didn't answer the question. you were told to start snooping. WHEN a W password protects her computer or anything for that matter - that is where you look first.

 

water under the bridge.

 

just wanted to make note of the fact that many married folks don't pay enough attention to their prompts when something is "off."

 

you gotta check when things don't seem right.

 

Oh but I did. As soon as she password protected it I knew she was hiding something. Could not get into her laptop after that though. I even bought a tracker for her car but that yielded nothing since it was an online love affair.

 

Her damn laptop didnt even have a boot cd or floppy in it. And the kicker is that I am the one who bought it for her.

 

Problem is that after being together for 23 years I did not think that this would ever happen to us. I trusted her and could not believe she would ever do something like that.

 

Lesson learned. Trust your gut first.

[Major]

I found this forum through a search and thought it might help me cope.

 

I have been married to my wife for over 20 years and last night she put a note on my pillow telling me that she had some unpeasant things that she wanted to talk to me about. What struck me as odd was that I was awake and in another room yet she never bothered to come in.

 

Im 47 and she is 52. Neither of us are really attractive but I still love her and find her attractive in my eyes.

 

When I asked her what was up she dropped a bomb on me and told me she did not love me anymore and has not loved me for quite some time and I should have noticed this. She then asked me for divorce.

 

I could not sleep at all and stayed up the entire night in agony. She refuses to talk about it and tells me her dicision is final.

 

First thing I did was call our only Son, he is 20. He came over and tried to talk to her and she gave him the same nonsense. She said it with a blank look on her face and with little to no emotion. It's like she was possesed by something. I was devestated.

 

Financially we are OK. Our home is paid for and we were both working towards retirement 2-5 years. Now this is all gone as we will have to both work for the rest of our lives with maybe no retirement in either of our future.

 

I asked her if she was cheating on me and she said no. This just defies logic for me. We argue sometimes but I have never laid a hand on her. I don't know what to make of it.

 

I have made a few obersvations below which may have something to do with it.

 

She stoped sleeping in our bed when my Son moved out two years ago. She took his old room. Her excuse: I snore.

 

She is taking medication for an anyurism so I wonder if this may affect her.

 

Her father passed away a few months ago so this may have something to do with it.

 

We did recently come back from our own 2 week vacation and I thought we had a good time together. Im stumped where this is coming from. We did have an argument the night before because I went to sleep with her in her bed and woke her up. This really made her mad and me as well. She basically kicked me out of her bed.

 

For the longest time I noticed that she never says I love you unless I say it first. She also no longer likes sex I guess as I always initiate it and she doesnt. We have sex maybe once a month if lucky. She tells me she has no interest in sex. It's almost like I have to beg for it to get it.

 

I just do not know what to do. She woke up this morning and went to work like nothing was the matter. I gave her a letter to try to iron things out and she reluctantly took it with her. Tomorrow I go to work and won't really see her until four days from now. Not sure how Im going to cope at work.

 

This is hard because I work nights and she works days. I also work Sat and Sun when she is off so we rarely see each other.

 

Im just a mess now and do not know what to do. It is still sinking in. How long will this pain last? Any advise or suggestions would be appreciated.

This is sad, and I can only imagine beyond words because you had your life plans in order. However, there are always signs. Most of the time, familiarity with someone and time, keeps us in relationships because "it doesn't make sense" to rock the boat, or we shrug off our feelings as fleeting. I contend that one, when laughter and sex stops (not due to an illness or something), that's a good indication. Sex isn't everything, however, physical interaction and enjoyment is very, vital to a healthy self-concept and life in a marriage. You mentioned she is taking medication. Did you talk to her doctor about possible, side effects? Just being from the outside looking in, it seems like she was trying to tell you all along. Especially, moving to another bedroom when your son moved (a lot of people wait until their children are gone, although they may have wanted a divorce years before. They think that's the responsible way to do it, even if it's been a 20, 30, 40, year marriage.) If I am in love with a man, I don't care how loud he snores, I want to be near him and I wouldn't feel normal sleeping in another room for any reason. Also, with work, I suggest that both of you take some time off. I know you said she doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe she will talk to a mediator (counselor, pastor) first. Divorce is one of the most emotionally, violent events that anyone can go through. I was married for 15 years. I know. However, there is life after divorce. You just have to create another one. A happier one. Although you don't want the divorce, if she does, it will effect you emotionally and mentally in ways you can't imagine. I am sorry for your pain. However, trust me, being with someone who doesn't desire to be with you is more painful. You can rebuild a beautiful, life. Trust me. It takes time. However, if God gives you time. You can do it. It will just be a different life.

Edited June 22, 2010 by Major

[g450]

Major,

 

Divorce was final back in Feb 2010. I came back to this thread to update it since a lot has happened. Main thing is that I found out post divorce she was having an online affair with her HS boyfriend while we were married.

 

Its pretty much done and over with now. We have zero contact other than our Son going back and forth between us. Her life is a complete mystery to me.

 

I am trying to move on and have dated here and there. But it seems that nobody will touch a 48 year old divorced guy on the rebound.

 

Yeah I kind of knew something was wrong when she moved out of our bedroom but I was in denial. Even so, what could I do? I told her that if I come to her room it was NOT to watch TV with her. She understood that. So we did have sex off and on before the bomb.

 

Either way you cut it, you cant MAKE somebody love you so here I am on the wrong side of 40 with my soulmate gone and in love with another man. Could be worse though. At least I have my home, a job and some kind of future in front of me.

 

I remember my Ex wife kept telling me I needed to "Move On". Well there may come a day where I will do just that and she will have regrets that I took her advice to heart. We will see.

[Windsurf66]

Major,

 

Divorce was final back in Feb 2010. I came back to this thread to update it since a lot has happened. Main thing is that I found out post divorce she was having an online affair with her HS boyfriend while we were married.

 

Its pretty much done and over with now. We have zero contact other than our Son going back and forth between us. Her life is a complete mystery to me.

 

I am trying to move on and have dated here and there. But it seems that nobody will touch a 48 year old divorced guy on the rebound.

 

Yeah I kind of knew something was wrong when she moved out of our bedroom but I was in denial. Even so, what could I do? I told her that if I come to her room it was NOT to watch TV with her. She understood that. So we did have sex off and on before the bomb.

 

Either way you cut it, you cant MAKE somebody love you so here I am on the wrong side of 40 with my soulmate gone and in love with another man. Could be worse though. At least I have my home, a job and some kind of future in front of me.

 

I remember my Ex wife kept telling me I needed to "Move On". Well there may come a day where I will do just that and she will have regrets that I took her advice to heart. We will see.

 

Life goes on. There more to life than your cheating exW. Since you are still unattached, why not just remain friends with your exW, and perhaps one day, things will work out and you both will be back again. Of course, before you do this, you got to ensure that you have moved on, and just friends.

[g450]

Windsurf, she will not be friends with me. She has told me we can never be friends.

 

In fact, if I even attempt to contact her she has said she will put out a protective order against me or something. Not sure she can even do this since I never laid a hand on her.

 

Whatever! She will have nothing to do with me.

 

As pathetic a man that I am I was planning on giving her a letter roughly one year post divorce (xmas 2010) to ask her to reconsider. Not sure she will go for this but what do I have to lose?

 

If she throws the letter away I will move on to another relationship with somebody new. Life is too short. We will see.