after 20+ years she wants a divorce??

[soserious1]

Well I just talked to her and we set it all out.

 

There is no going back for her and she plans to move out. She did at least say she would consider giving me 6 months before we finalize a non-contested divorce. Im probably just fooling myself and prolonging our suffering but it's something I feel I have to at least try.

 

She still insists that nobody is influencing her and that she made this decision years ago. I am starting to beleive that now. I just wish she would have done it sooner.

 

She wants me to keep the House so I can leave it to my Son after Im gone. This was my #1 concern so I feel more secure now. She is taking her sports car and leaving me the jeep and the PU truck. I told her I only needed one vehicle so that's still an option if she wants it.

 

I told her we could split our savings and checking and that leaves us both $6000. Not much of a security blanket but it will do for now (I hope).

 

Something that struck me as odd was the fact that I told her she could take all the family photos but I wanted to share them from time to time. She told me to keep them all. This sent a shiver up my spine because most of the family pictures are of her and my Son. Why would she do that?

 

I guess Im now at the stage where I have accepted it. Next comes the hard part. She leaves and I am alone again. Something that I have technically never really had to deal with in my life.

 

Why are you so focused, at only age 47 with fiscal "security blankets" death, dying and who gets what after you are gone? 47 is still relatively young.

 

She probably told you to keep the pictures because she'll want no further contact with you to "share" them after your divorce.

 

She's giving you the house and 2 cars.. she must hate you something fierce cause it sounds like she'll chew off her own leg to get away from you at this point.

 

Your child is raised, she did her duty, she's willing to be very fair in the settlement, let her go and move on.

[carhill]

Get a cat

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Perhaps this is why your wife wants out.

She wants to live and you are planning your death.

 

I am 45 and have worked since 13.

I do not have a penny toward retirement.

 

Currently, both my cheating wife and I are unemployed.

 

At 47, retirement should be the last thing on your mind.

 

See what the safey nets bring you......****.

 

I saved $100K over 10 years and it was gone in 2 years.

 

Just live my friend.

You have a new life in front of you......and you will still get your retirement check!

[g450]

Perhaps this is why your wife wants out.

She wants to live and you are planning your death.

 

I am 45 and have worked since 13.

I do not have a penny toward retirement.

 

Currently, both my cheating wife and I are unemployed.

 

At 47, retirement should be the last thing on your mind.

 

See what the safey nets bring you......****.

 

I saved $100K over 10 years and it was gone in 2 years.

 

Just live my friend.

You have a new life in front of you......and you will still get your retirement check!

 

I hear you. I am not fixed on death, it's just that those were the plans we made. We both wanted to retire in our 50s and grow old together. Im just a realist I guess.

 

I watched my father die right before he wanted to retire and I swore to myself that I would not let that happen to me and my loved ones. I wanted at least 10 good years of my life to be without punching a clock.

 

I am now on the fast track to making myself better and toughening up for the ride.

 

The only hard part for me now is the fact that I can't get over that she refuses to even discuss what happened and why she came to this conclusion out of thin air and never ever said anything too me. And the fact that she is absolutely stone cold and seems to care less about my agony is torturing me as well.

 

It's just another day to her and no big deal. I wish I could be that strong.

 

She is packing her stuff up now and should be out in a week or two. This will be hard on me but at least I can begin to get over it (I hope).

 

I hope she finds what she is looking for. I want her to be happy even if it kills me.

[hopesndreams]

I hear you. I am not fixed on death, it's just that those were the plans we made. We both wanted to retire in our 50s and grow old together. Im just a realist I guess.

 

I watched my father die right before he wanted to retire and I swore to myself that I would not let that happen to me and my loved ones. I wanted at least 10 good years of my life to be without punching a clock.

 

I am now on the fast track to making myself better and toughening up for the ride.

 

The only hard part for me now is the fact that I can't get over that she refuses to even discuss what happened and why she came to this conclusion out of thin air and never ever said anything too me. And the fact that she is absolutely stone cold and seems to care less about my agony is torturing me as well.

 

It's just another day to her and no big deal. I wish I could be that strong.

 

She is packing her stuff up now and should be out in a week or two. This will be hard on me but at least I can begin to get over it (I hope).

 

I hope she finds what she is looking for. I want her to be happy even if it kills me.

 

For her, it didn't happen out of thin air, she's been cheating, guaranteed. That stone cold stuff and the blank look, all classic signs, have seen it and it is beyond creepy.

 

Make darn sure you change the locks when she's gone and do not give her the farewell kiss. You will get over it when you face reality. It's not what you did or didn't do, she selfishly sought out another, perhaps boredom made her do it, whatever, she did it. You don't have to hope she finds what she is looking for either. She already thinks she did, only she doesn't know the grass ain't greener and when the realization hits her, she may try to squirm back into your life but it won't matter, coz you would have moved on. Work towards that. You are still young!!!

 

One day, you won't give a rats a** if she is happy or not. She took the cowards way out and threw you away like garbage.

 

You'll soon hear about her new fella, who just so happened to fall out of the sky after she moved out. Yeah, right.

 

Take care of yourself. Visit the family doc for some anti-anxiety meds if you feel you're not coping.

[Skump]

I hope she finds what she is looking for. I want her to be happy even if it kills me.

 

I hate to break it to you, but this attitude is in part why you're in this miserable situation. You've been behaving like a low-grade beta male for years. Why should your wife value you when you don't value yourself?

 

I mean, for Pete's sake: Your wife decides she wants to sleep in a separate bed and you take that (er, no pun intended) lying down? What the f*ck? You should've told her to either make her bed with you or with a stack of divorce papers.

 

Oh, she would've thrown some little tantrum - and then she would've been back in your bed.

[g450]

Well this should be my last post.

 

We agreed to do the uncontested divorce and it is favorable to me so Im not complaining.

 

I tried my best to reason with her to reconsider but its final. Just did not want to have any regrets of not at least making an effort to save us.

 

Thanks everybody.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think you should start seeing other females. Use protection and enjoy yourself. Sounds to me like she has issues and just married you outta convience. She knew she was going to leave years ago and is just now around getting to tell you.

 

You never had a snowballs chance in hell of restoring the marriage.

 

So with that, screw the hottest young females out there and keep it moving.

 

Life is too short to be pining after some woman that doesnt give a damn about you. Box up all the wedding pics and put them in the attic. she doesnt want them, oh well, forget her and box them away.

 

She wants to get away from you, then move on to indifference and ignore her. whenever she calls ignore, whenever she needs something ignore.

 

if it doesnt have anything to do with your kid, then ignore!

 

Hit the gym get back in shape and go out and have fun.

 

Let her deal with her own crap. Sounds to me like she didnt want to even be married. She just used you. and when it came time she was going to leave when she felt like it. Dont prolong the pain of missing her.

 

Ignore, NC and Indifference. Become a better person for you.

[g450]

This is my old thread that I let die after my Wife dropped the bomb.

I just felt like coming in here 5 months later to let everyone know what happened in my situation:

 

We did get divorced on 2 Feb 2010. I found out two months later that she was in fact having at least an online emotional affair if not more with her high school flame from 36 years ago. I found this out post-divorce but it still hurt like hell. Not 100% sure that there was a PA but anything is possible at this point because this could have been going on for years. And they both love to go to HS reunions. And she did fly out to somewhere a few months back.

 

I can confirm that she was at least talking to him back in August 2009 and that was way before she dropped the bomb.

 

She is 100% convinced that she is still in love with him and wants to be with him. Unfortunately for her he is married and has five children and lives in Orlando, FL. So now she is flirting with other men online. I guess her fantasy about being with her HS flame did not pan out so now she is acting like a HS teenage girl flirting with other men. Makes me sick to my stomach.

 

I know I should detach but I still love the woman. I can't help it. You just cant turn off 23 years of loving somebody and trusting them. But I will never trust again and will have my guard up and my ears to the ground in any new relationship I may have.

 

Poster "hopesndreams" pretty much had it spot on. I am now taking Chrome Barracuda's advice to heart. It's still hard though as I find myself waking up every morning to the realization that she is gone and the nightmare starts all over again. I wish I could just get a IDGAF attitude.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

g450, time will heal these wounds. She is making her own bed, allow her to lay in it. In my opinion you can still love her and allow her to do what she wants to do, and still move on.

 

Anyone with a level head can see she is an idiot for leaving her husband for a HS flame who is married with 5 kids! WTF is she thinking?

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is find yourself happiness in the form of someone who wants to be with you. Don't be too eager and don't expect it right away. But I bet there is a lot you have to offer and don't discount that for a second...

[LucreziaBorgia]

She likely found an old flame on FB and is trying to recapture some of her youth by rekindling something long gone.

 

When I read your update, I have to admit I wasn't surprised. It is usually the case when things happen the way they did.

[seibert253]

This is my old thread that I let die after my Wife dropped the bomb.

I just felt like coming in here 5 months later to let everyone know what happened in my situation:

 

We did get divorced on 2 Feb 2010. I found out two months later that she was in fact having at least an online emotional affair if not more with her high school flame from 36 years ago. I found this out post-divorce but it still hurt like hell. Not 100% sure that there was a PA but anything is possible at this point because this could have been going on for years. And they both love to go to HS reunions. And she did fly out to somewhere a few months back.

 

I can confirm that she was at least talking to him back in August 2009 and that was way before she dropped the bomb.

 

She is 100% convinced that she is still in love with him and wants to be with him. Unfortunately for her he is married and has five children and lives in Orlando, FL. So now she is flirting with other men online. I guess her fantasy about being with her HS flame did not pan out so now she is acting like a HS teenage girl flirting with other men. Makes me sick to my stomach.

 

I know I should detach but I still love the woman. I can't help it. You just cant turn off 23 years of loving somebody and trusting them. But I will never trust again and will have my guard up and my ears to the ground in any new relationship I may have.

 

Poster "hopesndreams" pretty much had it spot on. I am now taking Chrome Barracuda's advice to heart. It's still hard though as I find myself waking up every morning to the realization that she is gone and the nightmare starts all over again. I wish I could just get a IDGAF attitude.

 

That really sucks G. When I first read your post I was thinking to myself, there's more going on with her than G knows. I hate it when I'm right and it ends this way.

 

Let her go my man. Move forward, not in reverse. Most new relationships resulting from an A fizzle and die. When the fantasy is gone, there's reality. Reality is never close to the fantasy.

 

Later, she may want to come back. Personally I would never take a woman back who left me hanging out to dry the way she did. But, that's your decision to make if it comes to that.

 

The old chapter of your life has now ended. Time for a new chapter, and new life. You will bounce back, you will succeed, and you will be stronger in the end. She probably won't because she want to be happy, but she'll be pretending. Eventually she'll grow tire of the sherade.

Living well is the best revenge.

 

God Bless and best of luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, shield your heart, in the future. But to say you'll never trust again and be bitter ... Life is too short. Never say never, but one day you could meet a woman who makes your heart sing. Just hope with the help of counselling and dealing with the pain and heartache, mistrust you now feel, that you can work through it all.

[Windsurf66]

Hi, i hope you will feel better with time. Perhaps these articles can help shed some light

 

1) The 40-year itch

[COLOR=#800080]http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/04/opinion/04bair.html[/COLOR][/url]

 

2) Excerpted from Calling It Quits; Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over

http://www.enotalone.com/article/19070.html

 

3) Are all marriages doomed?

[COLOR=#800080]http://www.steadymarriages.com/?p=760[/COLOR]

 

Take care

[BettyBoop]

But I will never trust again and will have my guard up and my ears to the ground in any new relationship I may have.

 

Don't say that. My ex said that to me and I thought he was setting himself up for failure by doing so. Even if one woman broke your heart it does not mean the next will. If you have a negative attitude - negative things will happen. I know it's difficult but try seeing this as a chance to meet a woman who will appreciate you and want the same things you do. A fresh start in life. A second chance. That is the right attitude to go on about things.

[g450]

Don't say that. My ex said that to me and I thought he was setting himself up for failure by doing so. Even if one woman broke your heart it does not mean the next will. If you have a negative attitude - negative things will happen. I know it's difficult but try seeing this as a chance to meet a woman who will appreciate you and want the same things you do. A fresh start in life. A second chance. That is the right attitude to go on about things.

 

Im trying Betty. I really am but its hard.

 

I wake up every morning to only realize once again that my Maria is gone. My heart and my pulse start to race just as I wake up with the realization.

 

I think about her all day long and what she is doing. Then at night I think about our marriage. Our time together. Try to figure out what went wrong. It is torture. And I obses over what she is doing and with whom she may be doing it with. I know, not healthy.

 

She even changed her name back to her first husbands (deceased) in the divorce. Why? I have no clue. Maybe to simply hurt me or as a purely emotional reaction.

 

It's been four months and I have been on a few dates. I know, too early! I hate dating. I am finding that most women out there will simply use you if you are beneficial to them in some way. I would like to think that somewhere out there is a woman who was done wrong like me and is looking for somebody who will not cheat on her and love her for the rest of her life. She has to be out there somewhere.

 

But sadly, my own love for my XW may be keeping me from finding that woman. Perhaps with time.

 

If there are two things I have learned from this it is to trust your gutt first. That is your primal self warning you. The other is that you can never really know somebody.

 

I tell myself that she doesnt deserve me. And why should I love somebody that doesnt love or respect me back? It goes against all logic but there it is. My heart knows no logic. We have zero contact with each other yet she still causes me pain in my own mind. I only wish she could understand what pain she has caused for me, my Son and my family.

[hopesndreams]

You are absolutely correct in being on guard with your feelings. If not, you could end up in the same situation down the road with another woman. I think you are dating much too early. You need time to heal.

 

I would like to think that somewhere out there is a woman who was done wrong like me and is looking for somebody who will not cheat on her and love her for the rest of her life. She has to be out there somewhere.

 

She is out there somewhere and when you are ready, you'll meet her and then you'll know what to do.

 

First things first. Get her out of your head, she is not paying rent to be up there, so kick her out. Work on this.

[Windsurf66]

Hi G450

 

I am just wondering, since u have no contact with her, how did u manage to find out such details of her affair?

 

Perhaps she changed the name to her deceased husband, as yr previous post indicated that she had mentioned that she wanted to get her deceased husband's retirement check?

[g450]

Hi G450

 

I am just wondering, since u have no contact with her, how did u manage to find out such details of her affair?

 

Perhaps she changed the name to her deceased husband, as yr previous post indicated that she had mentioned that she wanted to get her deceased husband's retirement check?

 

This was before the NC. We were talking an civil before. She was still using my email account and had problems. She asked me to fix it for her and it required that TWC reset her password. She was in panic mode for me to get this done so I knew something was up.

 

Once I reset her password I logged on to her email. Yes this was wrong but I knew she was hiding something and when it popped up on the screen the truth was revealed. She has been telling this man she loved him and was glad to be divorced etc. So many things too painful to mention. She is a romantic and used terms of endearment with him that I have not heard in years. And this was way before the divorce or even the bomb.

 

She did apply for 1st husbands VA check but I told her she did not have to change her name to do that. She only needed the divorce papers. I would like to think she was smarter than that so I think it was purely an emotional reaction to push my buttons. Only God knows for sure.

[Windsurf66]

This was before the NC. We were talking an civil before. She was still using my email account and had problems. She asked me to fix it for her and it required that TWC reset her password. She was in panic mode for me to get this done so I knew something was up.

 

Once I reset her password I logged on to her email. Yes this was wrong but I knew she was hiding something and when it popped up on the screen the truth was revealed. She has been telling this man she loved him and was glad to be divorced etc. So many things too painful to mention. She is a romantic and used terms of endearment with him that I have not heard in years. And this was way before the divorce or even the bomb.

 

She did apply for 1st husbands VA check but I told her she did not have to change her name to do that. She only needed the divorce papers. I would like to think she was smarter than that so I think it was purely an emotional reaction to push my buttons. Only God knows for sure.

 

I felt that if she wanted to push yr button and hurt you, she would have revealed her affair to you pre/post divorce. She kept it from you probably to minimize hurting u. During the divorce, she left you the house as well so that you are financially more stable? If she wanted to hurt you, she will go for as much asset as possible right?

 

Just my opinion. Or perhaps its the stigma of divorce and hence she wanted to cover it up.

[g450]

I felt that if she wanted to push yr button and hurt you, she would have revealed her affair to you pre/post divorce. She kept it from you probably to minimize hurting u. During the divorce, she left you the house as well so that you are financially more stable? If she wanted to hurt you, she will go for as much asset as possible right?

 

Just my opinion. Or perhaps its the stigma of divorce and hence she wanted to cover it up.

 

Yeah it's the stigma. She is one of those types of people who are overly concerned about her public image. She presents herself to everyone as a loving and caring almost Marry Poppins persona. I and my Son however know what she is really like. There is a blackness in her that most can't see.

 

The main reason she hid the affair is because she did not want my Son and her family to find out. In fact I would bet money on it since she warned me not to talk to her family.

 

The other reason is that she knows I could have contacted OMs wife. I think she still has this fantasy in her head where OM's wife dies or he divorces her and he rides in on a white horse to carry my XW over a rainbow into the bliss world of true luv.

 

Who knows what she is thinking. I remember reading some incredibly bad love poetry that she sent to him. Even still has some of it plastered all over her classmates.com page. She needs to see a shrink and I told her that. But telling her the truth only made her push me away even further. Now it's zero contact.

 

The name change thing boggled my mind though because they were only married for two years before he died and he was physically and sexually abusive to her durring that time (according to her).

 

In the end, she has lied about so much that only God knows what the truth is with her. She may not even know why she changed her name. She is in her own little reality. Or that is the way it was explained to me by others.

[Windsurf66]

Yeah it's the stigma. She is one of those types of people who are overly concerned about her public image. She presents herself to everyone as a loving and caring almost Marry Poppins persona. I and my Son however know what she is really like. There is a blackness in her that most can't see.

 

The main reason she hid the affair is because she did not want my Son and her family to find out. In fact I would bet money on it since she warned me not to talk to her family.

 

The other reason is that she knows I could have contacted OMs wife. I think she still has this fantasy in her head where OM's wife dies or he divorces her and he rides in on a white horse to carry my XW over a rainbow into the bliss world of true luv.

 

Who knows what she is thinking. I remember reading some incredibly bad love poetry that she sent to him. Even still has some of it plastered all over her classmates.com page. She needs to see a shrink and I told her that. But telling her the truth only made her push me away even further. Now it's zero contact.

 

The name change thing boggled my mind though because they were only married for two years before he died and he was physically and sexually abusive to her durring that time (according to her).

 

In the end, she has lied about so much that only God knows what the truth is with her. She may not even know why she changed her name. She is in her own little reality. Or that is the way it was explained to me by others.

 

Well, try to move on, give yrself some time, since its only a few months from the divorce. Go out to meet more people.

 

If u think u really still love her, cant stop thinking abt her and can forgive her, then perhaps u can still keep in touch with her as a friend but try to be not too negative abt her stuff cos it will only push her away. Just my opinion.

[g450]

Do the right thing, and expose the affair to OM's wife. Wouldn't you want to know if you were in her shoes?

 

Do the fun thing and expose her affair and her behavior of trying to hook up with other men to her family. Wouldn't it be nice to see her embarrased a little for what how she wronged you?

 

I have his email address and have conversed with him and he denies everything. I quoted some of her love emails to him and he essentially will not answer me after that. Bad move on my part anyway.

 

I do have a cell phone number in his wifes name but he has control over it and apparently owns this cellphone so I cant do a damn thing since I do not have access to his W.

 

From what I can tell this has been an online romantic emotional affair. May not have been physical but that does not matter. The damage was done and an EA is always more destructive than a PA when it comes to women.

 

The point is moot now anyway. We are divorced and have zero contact. Yes I would take her back in a New York Minute but she would have to earn it. I will not give it too her without her doing some work and proving that her heart was in it and that her love of the OM was over.

 

Interestingly I had a female friend tell me tonight that her XH broke up with his 20 year old Philipina GF and may try to come crawling back. She said that after 16yrs she still loved him. I told her I understood. Hell I had 23yrs with my XW. But I told her to make sure he eaned her trust. Do NOT take him back so easily etc. This is the advice I gave her based on what I have learned.

 

Sadly, this will probably never happen with my XW. She is too stubborn and too proud. And that will be her ticket to living in isolation or living with somebody that will treat her like $h**.

 

I love her still but can not save her from herself and her self made fate.

All I can do is live my life and look for love. It's what I live for. I crave female companionship, sex, love and security in my life and I make no excuses for that. Sorry for the rant. I may have had too many Whisky and Coke shots tonight.

Edited June 10, 2010 by g450

[g450]

Seriously, why do you have such low esteem? Why do you expect so little from your mate? Why would you take this cheating, lying, disrespectful, unattractive (your word) thing back after all she has put you through? Are there no single ladies in your town or state?

 

There is a better match for you out there. You're divorced. Move on. The older you get, the more options you have as a male if you stick to your age range. The female-male ratio is increasing as they get older. Luck and chance is on your side and many women out there, good and bad ones, pretty and ugly ones, love a man who is loyal and loving and has a job.

 

I like what you just posted about the female to male ratio. That's encouraging. And yes I do deserve better.

 

My problem is that I do still love her but as I have stated before, she would have to do major work on herself to fix herself. She is in MLC and I view her as a sick patient. Time will tell but I am not waiting for her as she may never snap out of it.

 

Is she unatractive? Well to the average Joe she is not exactly a catch. And ironically I still find her very attracive. But you must understand that after being with her for 23 years it may mostly be about conditioning. The same woman gives you sex for 23yrs you tend to become conditioned to her looks, personality etc. We knew all our secrets so that was conforting and made sex all the more comfortable and safe. Hard to explain.

 

I am loyal and loving if not exactly good looking. But at 48 I still have my hair and my plumbing still works LOL. Wish me luck in my dating. I am finding out that it's almost like a battlefield out there. Lots of MLC divorced crazy women out there even worse than my XW.

[g450]

Wow what a great thread. Thanks a ton.

 

That really boosted my self esteem.

 

And just in the nick of time too since this is my Friday. Wish me luck.