Wife messing with my head

[tami-chan]

Financially, she made the mistake of selling her house that she got from her mother and pooling the money with mine. That money is going to be emptied from the accounts very soon (save for a paltry amount left over). Although there is some of my money in there as well, I did manage to keep all my inherited assets and my dotcom money separate. It wasn't intentional, but it was fortunate that it wound up that way (whew). She won't be able to get access to those funds.

 

....so are these accounts like secret? stashed somewhere in a Caribbean country or Switzerland? So there is no chance of it coming up during discovery phase?

 

The finality of it kills me though. I'm still desperately in love with her and I can't bear the idea of no longer being with her.

 

When do people learn? Desperate people are not attractive. OP, c'mon get yourself together. Look, you are obviously still thinking straight given that you have those things above planned....desperate people do not make those plan, they cannot. So no, you are not DESPERATELY in love with her. Stop applying those words to yourself. Remember, "you think, therefore you are". Be kind to yourself.

[WinterPain]

....so are these accounts like secret? stashed somewhere in a Caribbean country or Switzerland? So there is no chance of it coming up during discovery phase?

 

 

 

When do people learn? Desperate people are not attractive. OP, c'mon get yourself together. Look, you are obviously still thinking straight given that you have those things above planned....desperate people do not make those plan, they cannot. So no, you are not DESPERATELY in love with her. Stop applying those words to yourself. Remember, "you think, therefore you are". Be kind to yourself.

 

No nothing is hidden. But there is a distinction between the money that was earned before the marriage and that which was made during. Once assets are put in a joint account or put in both spouses name, then the assets become joint property regardless of when they were earned. Fortunately, I don't have too much in that scenario. I have some, but with that I'll buy the condo and the used car.

[WinterPain]

Well, she hasn't called today ..

[TaraMaiden]

...and that's a good thing....

Ok.

Now you're in NC mode, you also have to get your head round the fact that Not Hearing from your ex is a positive step, not a negative one.

You can't throw yourself wholeheartedly into NC - but also want contact... the whole point is to start the emotional healing process, and it won't heal if you keep picking at it.....

 

The reason she hasn't contacted you, is not because she doesn't really care...

The reason she hasn't contacted you (today) is because

(1) she can't work out what is happening,

(2) she's considering how to deal with this new behaviour and/or

(3) - she reckons that if she doesn't contact you then - of course! You'll contact her, because you always come crawling and coming to heel...don't you...?

 

Nope.

Things are changing.... the boot is on the other foot, and you have taken control of your life, at last.

'Bout time too....

 

Remember one vital, prime, utterly principal rule:

Never make any practical decisions when you're feeling - or driven by - emotions.

 

Emotions will invariably cause you to make a bad decision, and take a backward step.

 

If you need to make a practical decision about anything here, ask your brother to give you input, based on logic and reason, not revenge or pain.

 

Keep it up, soldier!

[DiDi123]

Winterpain,

I'm so glad you are keeping us posted.

She is as several others have said, is probably wondering what's up with you.

DO NOT cave, stay strong and you will get through this.

Your brother sounds terrific, so listen to him and lean on him and others that you trust to help you get through this.

You can do it!!!

[DiDi123]

How are you doing? Please keep us posted.

Hope all is going ok.

[mem11363]

Remember this simple rule.

 

Your brother is blood he loves you and wants what is best for you. Treat him like the sky diving instructor. That means execute what he says without thinking about it too much and without considering your fear/emotions.

 

When I went sky diving I just programmed myself to do what the instructor said. Full stop. I just executed. Your brother is that guy for you. He can get you out the other side.

 

That money will be a huge amplifier in your next - happy relationship. Protect it like it is your very blood.

 

 

 

 

How are you doing? Please keep us posted.

Hope all is going ok.

[WinterPain]

I'm doing OK considering. Had a bit of a setback the other day. I often head to a Panera near the office to grab a quick sandwich and sometimes head over to the bookstore if I have some time.

 

I think she made herself run into me there since she knows my routine. She was absolutely gorgeous. She was dressed to kill again. So we made some small talk and then she started bringing up the relationship and saying that she misses me and wishes I'd come by sometime. Then she kissed me and said "If it wasn't for him, I'd be so into you".

 

It set me back to day one. I realize I need to change my routines now so she won't find me like this.

 

On the positive side, we're getting the papers ready for filing. I'll spare the details, but she's not going to like it. My brother and the other guy he has working the divorce side are really going for blood. Monday I empty the accounts.

[Fallen Angel]

I'm doing OK considering. Had a bit of a setback the other day. I often head to a Panera near the office to grab a quick sandwich and sometimes head over to the bookstore if I have some time.

 

I think she made herself run into me there since she knows my routine. She was absolutely gorgeous. She was dressed to kill again. So we made some small talk and then she started bringing up the relationship and saying that she misses me and wishes I'd come by sometime. Then she kissed me and said "If it wasn't for him, I'd be so into you".

 

It set me back to day one. I realize I need to change my routines now so she won't find me like this.

 

On the positive side, we're getting the papers ready for filing. I'll spare the details, but she's not going to like it. My brother and the other guy he has working the divorce side are really going for blood. Monday I empty the accounts.

 

UGH... you let her kiss you with lips that could spew out something so horrifically vile to you? (Really, isn't that saying the same thing as "He is better than you, but if he wasn't I might be tempted by you.") YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN SHE DESERVES!!! Next time she wants to kiss you, try and imagine where else those lips have been lately.. maybe you will feel like gagging as opposed to wanting to kiss them.

[TaraMaiden]

Then she kissed me and said "If it wasn't for him, I'd be so into you".

 

It set me back to day one.

 

Oh great.

That's supposed to make you feel better, is it?

That means,

"I would be in to you, but he cuts it better, so actually, I'm going for him, because you're second best."

What a b*1tch.

She's pathetic.

 

Don't let it set you back.

She's a cow - let it hurl you forward.

Fast-Forward.

The sooner you are rid of her, the better.

 

On the positive side, we're getting the papers ready for filing. I'll spare the details, but she's not going to like it. My brother and the other guy he has working the divorce side are really going for blood. Monday I empty the accounts.

 

Woo bloody hoo.

Good on you.

That comment was really low.

Below the belt, and now you have the right to hit her back.

Go for it.

Let her see what pain is actually like.

 

She will soooooooo try to get back with you, but it will be the accounts she yearns for, not you.....

Hold her off, and leve her cold.

 

I'm a woman, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's a shame women like her make the rest of us look bad.

we're not all bad.

Remember that.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Hello Winterpain

 

was hoping you would come back and update us soon.

[WinterPain]

Hello Winterpain

 

was hoping you would come back and update us soon.

 

Thanks for asking Actually I was going to post today. I spent Thanksgiving with some friends and I had a great time.

 

Things have taken an interesting twist. First, I cancelled our joint credit accounts and took what I consider my share of the cash in our joint bank accounts. She called me about the bank account and I simply told her that I opened a single account for myself and needed to put money in a CD there. She didn't buy it, but I wasn't arguing. She got very upset about the credit cards, but I told her that we needed to curtail our spending. With this she got very angry with me and threatened to never see me again . She implied that up until then she was considering coming back, but that she wasn't so sure now. What she doesn't know is that she's getting served D papers on the 16th of December.

 

Then last week, she started being all nice and calling me trying to get us to go to lunch together.

 

I found out through the grapevine that the OM took a job elsewhere. Since he was already an out of state consultant, he went to the other side of the country. I'm not too sure when this happened, but he evidently never contacted her and isn't answering her phone messages nor her emails. She has been fuming about this to some of her friends in the office.

Edited November 27, 2009 by WinterPain

[mark982]

her worlds slowly imploding around her. this is great news. sounds like you're going to get the last laugh, hand tough my friend.

[WinterPain]

her worlds slowly imploding around her. this is great news. sounds like you're going to get the last laugh, hand tough my friend.

 

Thanks. But it hasn't been long enough and the details are sketchy. He may well have been embroiled in some project and couldn't call her. He may well call yet. If it goes on like this for another couple of weeks, then yes, I'd say she was used and chucked.

[DiDi123]

SO happy to hear from you WInterPain-

Stay strong and congratulations for having the strength to serve her with papers on December 16th. Maybe you ought to take a long weekend somewhere- and either shut your cell off or don't answer.

 

You are doing the right thing. Staying with someone who has treated you so badly is no place to be.

 

Please keep us all posted. She will probably explode when she gets those papers....

And kudos for closing the credit card accounts and taking what you consider to be half of the savings. Smart move.

 

Think positive- smile even though you may not want to

[mark982]

winterpain, why should you care if he's busy on some project and can't call her? just let her go. you're to good of a man to put up w/ her crap.

[imagine]

OK. So she knows how to push your buttons. Are you able to disengage.

 

I think that she is what is called a "cock teaser". Give me any reason why you would want to be around her?

[WinterPain]

winterpain, why should you care if he's busy on some project and can't call her? just let her go. you're to good of a man to put up w/ her crap.

 

I guess it would be alot easier for me right now if I knew they were not sleeping together. Makes no sense, I know, but that's how it is.

[WinterPain]

OK. So she knows how to push your buttons. Are you able to disengage.

 

I think that she is what is called a "cock teaser". Give me any reason why you would want to be around her?

 

Well I know she's no good. I guess it'll be awhile before I get over her ..

[WTFO]

Hello Winter.

 

I read the thread, and I registered here just to respond to you.

 

I'm divorced. My ex was a crazy-ass, chronic-spending, husband-battering, lying, cheating, semi-literate slut from Florida. Other than that she was ok.

 

You have received much good advice and wisdom here, so I'll make mine short and sweet.

 

You MUST proceed with the divorce. She will not change; on the contrary, she will get worse as she gets older. The divorce will be extremely difficult for you, but you must go through with it. It's ok to tell yourself (and her) that you two can "always get remarried" if the divorce is a "mistake." Hey, it worked for me, and got my ex-bitch to leave quietly. She's now back with the 'Clampetts' (her family; not their real name).

 

BEWARE: when she finds out that you mean business about the divorce, and / or her affair ends suddenly (don't they all), SHE WILL TRY TO COME BACK TO YOU. She will cry, tell you she's sorry, promise it will never happen again, CRY, promise to be the best wife in the world, CRY, etc. - DON'T FALL FOR THIS.

 

BEWARE: she will try to "hook" you with sex - the best, dirtiest, tenderest, most accommodating sex you've ever had - DON'T FALL FOR THIS, not even once (remember, she'll be good at sex, because she's had lots of practice lately). This is very important: DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER, keep up your policy of NO CONTACT. She will use sex as a tool of manipulation, and your thinking and judgment will be clouded, and you will attempt to forgive her, rationalizing that 'the past is the past.' DON'T FALL FOR THIS. This is manipulation. After her affair ends, she'll need a house to live in, a car to drive, and bills to be paid, and she sees YOU in that role (also, sex with her risks unwanted pregnancy and STDs, and these are life-changing events you don't want).

 

If you go back to her - listen carefully here - you will NEVER be happy in the relationship because you will never trust her again, and you will be haunted by images of her past infidelities - you will obsess about her sexual encounters with her current dirtbag lover. If you leave her, however, you will eventually get over this and meet someone else. Trust me on that one.

 

Also, if you take her back, she will eventually get comfortable in the relationship, and she will begin her cheating ways again. Don't say I didn't warn you on this. And why will she do this? Because she doesn't respect you, not one bit, no matter how much she lies about her newfound "respect" for you.

 

Your job from here on is to protect yourself, create a good exit strategy, and build a solid future for yourself. Don't bother about her well-being; she didn't bother about you.

 

Remember, what you're about to do is supposed to be difficult. You must be strong, and be the man you are, and not the beta she thinks you are. You have a life to live - career, finances, house, car, friends, family, etc. - YOU DON'T NEED HER to live a fulfilling life. Your emotions are telling you that you "need" her, but this is false information that you must overrule with your reason. YOU DON'T NEED HER! And I mean that quite literally.

 

I've been divorced for seven years, and my biggest problem now is deciding whether I want a Porsche Boxster, or a Carrera. I kid you not.

 

Be ruthless in your divorce strategy. Take everything you can, legally speaking. And then, I strongly urge you not to get married again.

Think about it: why should the government be involved in your relationship? Think about it: you've crawled out of a shark tank, dripping and breathless....do you really want to dive back in, in the hopes that the sharks won't eat you? What sane man would do this?

 

Stay strong, and keep us updated. Luck Mate.

 

 

Welcome Cobalt. Man you sound like you have been through the mill. Excellent advice.

[mark982]

you da man cobalt. excelent advice.

[WinterPain]

Thank you for this. Thank you very much. Your assessment is not only very accurate but your timing eerie.

 

She's been calling today, trying to be so nice. She invited me over to "have sex" as she put it. I asked about OM, and she told me that she would rather be with me. Of course this sounds fishy.

 

That said, I was weakening. I told her I'd let her know if I could. I've been agonizing back and forth. I know I shouldn't see her, but part of me is dying to have sex with her again.

 

So this post helped me a bit with my resolve. Thanks. This is harder that I ever thought possible.

 

 

Hello Winter.

 

I read the thread, and I registered here just to respond to you.

 

I'm divorced. My ex was a crazy-ass, chronic-spending, husband-battering, lying, cheating, semi-literate slut from Florida. Other than that she was ok.

 

You have received much good advice and wisdom here, so I'll make mine short and sweet.

 

You MUST proceed with the divorce. She will not change; on the contrary, she will get worse as she gets older. The divorce will be extremely difficult for you, but you must go through with it. It's ok to tell yourself (and her) that you two can "always get remarried" if the divorce is a "mistake." Hey, it worked for me, and got my ex-bitch to leave quietly. She's now back with the 'Clampetts' (her family; not their real name).

 

BEWARE: when she finds out that you mean business about the divorce, and / or her affair ends suddenly (don't they all), SHE WILL TRY TO COME BACK TO YOU. She will cry, tell you she's sorry, promise it will never happen again, CRY, promise to be the best wife in the world, CRY, etc. - DON'T FALL FOR THIS.

 

BEWARE: she will try to "hook" you with sex - the best, dirtiest, tenderest, most accommodating sex you've ever had - DON'T FALL FOR THIS, not even once (remember, she'll be good at sex, because she's had lots of practice lately). This is very important: DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER, keep up your policy of NO CONTACT. She will use sex as a tool of manipulation, and your thinking and judgment will be clouded, and you will attempt to forgive her, rationalizing that 'the past is the past.' DON'T FALL FOR THIS. This is manipulation. After her affair ends, she'll need a house to live in, a car to drive, and bills to be paid, and she sees YOU in that role (also, sex with her risks unwanted pregnancy and STDs, and these are life-changing events you don't want).

 

If you go back to her - listen carefully here - you will NEVER be happy in the relationship because you will never trust her again, and you will be haunted by images of her past infidelities - you will obsess about her sexual encounters with her current dirtbag lover. If you leave her, however, you will eventually get over this and meet someone else. Trust me on that one.

 

Also, if you take her back, she will eventually get comfortable in the relationship, and she will begin her cheating ways again. Don't say I didn't warn you on this. And why will she do this? Because she doesn't respect you, not one bit, no matter how much she lies about her newfound "respect" for you.

 

Your job from here on is to protect yourself, create a good exit strategy, and build a solid future for yourself. Don't bother about her well-being; she didn't bother about you.

 

Remember, what you're about to do is supposed to be difficult. You must be strong, and be the man you are, and not the beta she thinks you are. You have a life to live - career, finances, house, car, friends, family, etc. - YOU DON'T NEED HER to live a fulfilling life. Your emotions are telling you that you "need" her, but this is false information that you must overrule with your reason. YOU DON'T NEED HER! And I mean that quite literally.

 

I've been divorced for seven years, and my biggest problem now is deciding whether I want a Porsche Boxster, or a Carrera. I kid you not.

 

Be ruthless in your divorce strategy. Take everything you can, legally speaking. And then, I strongly urge you not to get married again.

Think about it: why should the government be involved in your relationship? Think about it: you've crawled out of a shark tank, dripping and breathless....do you really want to dive back in, in the hopes that the sharks won't eat you? What sane man would do this?

 

Stay strong, and keep us updated. Luck Mate.

[adiaz]

Grow some balls and leave this bitch. This is not a wife, this is not even a woman or a human. I understand your love for her but I assure you this woman has not only walked all over you, she has driven an SUV all over you. OMG please if you are addicted to her, get counseling and let her go. She is not coming back and if she does, she will keep using and mistreating you.

 

 

I am so sorry

[Chrome Barracuda]

"If it wasn't for him, I'd be so into you".

 

You remember those words, and you remember this is the woman, you pledged your life to, who you married. You let these words echo and rattle in your head. You never forget all this pain she put you through, and with these callous and insensitive words. You remember. You dont forget!

 

I would be so enraged if I ever heard that from the woman l loved. it feels like I got spit in the face, slapped and stabbed in the heart all in the same time.

 

...And you want to go back to this woman!!!

 

,Negro Please!

 

End it now and move on for your own sanity! Trust me your better off!

[mem11363]

WP,

 

CALL YOUR BROTHER NOW. AND THEN GO HANG OUT WITH HIM. AND CHANGE YOUR PHONE.

 

I can tell you are a good guy. Remember how cold and cruel she was to you. Handjobs are for betas. She sees you as her beta - her little spineless banker who will fund her real romance with real studs.

 

She is the worst type of parasite - if you let her she will eat you alive and walk away without any guilt. Women are hardwired to treat betas like their slaves.

 

You are only beta if you let her treat you that way. Stay NC - change your numbers and find a real woman who really loves you and has some loyalty and integrity....

 

 

 

 

Thank you for this. Thank you very much. Your assessment is not only very accurate but your timing eerie.

 

She's been calling today, trying to be so nice. She invited me over to "have sex" as she put it. I asked about OM, and she told me that she would rather be with me. Of course this sounds fishy.

 

That said, I was weakening. I told her I'd let her know if I could. I've been agonizing back and forth. I know I shouldn't see her, but part of me is dying to have sex with her again.

 

So this post helped me a bit with my resolve. Thanks. This is harder that I ever thought possible.