Wife messing with my head

[WinterPain]

I'm not sure where this belongs. I figure this section is probably as close as I can get. I never posted here before, so please let me know.

 

I'm in a pretty desperate situation right now and I hope you all can help me somehow extricate myself from this. After a marriage of 3 years, my wife and I separated about 4 months ago, which was her idea. I was in very much in love with her but she evidently needed her space. I moved out of the house and went to an appartment my dad left me after his death. I figured I'd give her that space she so desperately seemed to need and I didn't want to smother her. Sex had dropped to almost nothing in the past year and she seemed to be angry with me the last month I was there. I expected that the absence might help give her some perspective.

 

To make a long story short, I discovered that she was seeing someone else, hence the need separation. She just needed to be with him. I started trying to get her back, and I did everything for her. I fixed things around the house, she called me when she had a flat and needed some help, etc. I resorted to begging her to stop seeing him and that we should work things out. But she wouldn't drop this guy.

 

We never had sex during this separation, but she would give me occasional handjobs probably out of pity (she would keep her clothes on). I knew in my mind I should never have accepted, but I was incapable of saying no. Even if it burned me up that this new guy was getting to have her the way I used to and all could get was the this. This is one of the things that embarasses me the most and I hate myself for it. I've lost count of the times I've driven away and sworn to myself I would never do that again and that I would never come back. But the next day, my resolve melts completely.

 

About a month ago, I (again) asked for us to get back together, and she replied that she wanted to keep seeing him for awhile, and that she was planning on dumping him in 2 weeks. After that, she promised, we'd get back together again.

 

I was counting the days, and in the last days, I could barely sleep or eat as I was counting down the minutes. When I came over on that day, she was dressed to kill. She was all dolled ip and I thought this was for me. But she said that her and this new guy were going to spend the weekend together out of town and that when they get back "We'll see where we are". I was completely crestfallen and utterly devastated. She offered me another release, which I took, and while she was stroking me, I was begging her not to go away with him. She actually laughed as I begged her. When I got home, I puked.

 

I feel completely damaged by this experience. I cannot seem to get her out of my mind even for a second and I cry myself to sleep at least 5 days a week. I must have lost about 20 lbs already just because I have a burning pit in my gut at all times. I can barely stomach a boiled egg. I know she's messsing with me, but can't imagine not being with her.

 

What do I need to do to get her out of my head? What can I do to get her back?

 

I already know that this situation is messed up. No need to tell me. I realize that completely. I also know I'm addicted to her like a junkie to crack. I don't know what the hell to do about this.

[hopesndreams]

I won't help you get this woman back, not sure who would, she is garbage. Sorry for saying that but the sooner you realize it, the better.

 

The only thing to do in this instance is divorce her azz. You do not deserve this treatment. You don't really need her, but your emotions are all over the place, you are confused, one day, soon, I hope you see this.

 

Go NC and break the addiction. It's the only way. Good job you don't have kids with this woman.

[imagine]

Sorry guy,

 

You are a doormat. She is a cake eater. You need to expose now and confront the other guy immediately.

 

You have very much weakened your position by allowing an "open" marriage. Stop it now or hand in your man card.

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, you can't get her back because she doesn't want to..She's allowed herself to get used to having this OM in her life, and have you on the side..But not in the way you want. She is USING YOU and knows that you're waiting meanwhile, she's enjoying herself on your expense.

 

Sorry you're hurting.

 

Please, talk to your family, friends, to help you through this..And, talk to a lawyer. Start divorce papers because it really doesn't seem your wife is interested in staying committed to you.

[Church Bells]

WP,

 

Unfortunately, you have NOW learned the hard way that a woman will not love a man she doesn't respect. She has NO respect for you ... that is why she continues to rub her affair in your face ... give you only crumbs ... and then LAUGHS at your pleadings.

 

MANY of us have spent a least some period of time acting just as you are, with the same predictable results. NOW we know that they BEST way to handle a wayward wife is to grow a pair as big as CHURCH BELLS (hence the username) and act accordingly.

 

Read up on the 180 plan ...

 

No more "I LOVE YOU'S" for your wayward wife (WW).

 

Start moving on with your life.

 

Start dressing, grooming, and smelling great.

 

When you do speak to your WW, make it a point to let her know that you are moving on and seeing where life will take you WITHOUT her.

 

Keep up the facade of peace and contentment.

 

DO NOT accept her hand job "CRUMBS" ... tell her you have rediscovered your self-respect and are no longer willing to share her with another.

 

ALWAYS appear confident and in control ... DO NOT beg or plead.

 

If she asks "what's up" ... simply tell her "You made your decision ... and now I'm moving on with my own life".

 

Your WW is doing what is known as "cake eating" ... she's getting to keep her cake and getting to eat it too ... she is playing BOTH you and OM for her own benefit. At least OM is getting the "goodies", while you are left with basically nothing, but some "pity release".

 

This may cause her to stop and think long enough to realize what she is losing. If so, then the dynamic changes and YOU get to decide if a lying, cheating wayward is worth the pain and work of recovering a broken M, but at that point ... IT IS YOUR DECISION. Like many that have been faced with this in the past ... you will likely find that "having is not the same as wanting" ... and will move forward on your own.

 

Once a WW goes so far as to seperate to be with OM, even after her betrayed husband (BH) knows of her A, then the likelihood of a successfully recovered M goes to basically nil, so you might as well prepare yourself for life after M. Which isn't such a bad things considering the alternative is sharing your life with someone you will never be able to trust again.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!

[scatterd]

I am sorry you are hurting so much.I would not have anything to do with her she is leading you on just in case it does not work.She has showed you no respect.Move on find someone who will give you the love you deserve.Dont

talk to her show her she does not deserve your care or attention.It is hard when you have been hurt in this way their is so many mixed feelings and pain involved.But she is going to keep eating her cake.Do not except her actions you are worth more then that.good luck

[Malenfant]

oh dear.

firstly, dont beat yourself up about the hand jobs, personally, i am quite disgusted that she would offer them to you, almost as a way of shutting you up, like hand jobs are some sort of commodity.

it shows she has no respect for you, leading you on, then making you go etc.

 

secondly, laughing as you beg her not to go with this man! what a heartless b*tch. thats one of the worst things a person can do, laugh when you're at your lowest. i really feel for you.

 

dont try and get her back. she'll play you again and again.

try and see her for what she is, you really dont want to see this woman, she's damaging for you.

[Bryanp]

Please see a lawyer and get that toxic being out of your life. As previously mentioned she sees you as a total doormat. Who could respect a husband who leaves his home so his wife could continue her sexual affair with her lover? Move back into your home immediately. Ask her to move out and see a lawyer. Your story is very sad and pathetic. It is clear that your wife sees you as a joke and has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Enough is enough!

[HeartbrokenK]

She is taking advantage of you in the worst possible way, that cannot continue. No one should have the power to make you feel so terrible about yourself, no one.

 

You need to gather up all of the courage and strength that you have and cut her off. Get out of that apartment. Go stay with family or a best friend for a few days, the loneliness won't be so great and you can have a physically present support system there for you to talk to when the urge hits to run back to her. Talking it through with someone who loves you like family will help you more than you can imagine.

 

You also need to start taking care of yourself. You need to start getting regular sleep, first and foremost. If that means seeing a doctor to get temporary prescriptions for anxiety and sleep meds, do it. I know eating when you're that upset is hard, but you need to keep trying. Do not hurt yourself anymore - maintaining a healthy body is extremely important in emotional stability.

 

And just know that none of this is your fault, so if you're harboring accusations towards yourself in your head, stop it! No one deserves to be cheated on, she's being very sadistic, you deserved better and you still do.

[Spark1111]

Oh, I know this pain! And the advice here is great advice! And yes, the sex can still be off the charts, especially when you still love them, as you seem to love your wife.

 

Here is what worked for me: No crying, pleading. begging. I conducted myself in the most mature manner, even if it was an act, whenever I needed to contact him regarding children, bills, etc.

 

I threw him out. Told him I hoped he would be happy with her and God Bless, go get her. I was moving on, going to therapy, the gym, friends, etc. Signed up for fun adult-ed classes and kept myself busy, busy, busy.

 

Didn't ask about the OW, refused to talk of our relationship and told my closest friends and family it was over, I'd figure it out. I also refused to discuss what I was doing in my private life. with him, which all of a sudden became a real point of interest to him.

 

Now, this may not work for everyone, but, once exposed to the light of day, and given the opportunity to have a full-time relationship with her...he started begging to....come home.

 

It had to be on my terms; full-disclosure, transparency and absolutely no contact with the OW. Hell, I wasn't even a real person to her until I contacted her!

 

Look up post by LS member, OWL if you seriously want to reconcile successfully with a wayward wife. He is so wise.

 

And if not, the advice given here is to walk divorce.

 

Hugs to you!

[Guitarjeff]

Sorry, but this is called being a doormat. I'll have to take a 2x4 to your head.

 

Now, next time you see her, tell her she and her friend can have sex right in your home with you there. Stand outside the door and hand them anything they need, like a towel to wipe their sweat. When they come out of the bedroom, start shaking violently and fall to the floor crying. Hug her feet and make her drag you around. cry and beg him not to take your woman. Make sure and keep shaking as you cry. Offer to cook them breakfast, and don't look them in the eye no matter what. Don't you think she will really respect you as see you as a strong man after that? Get your paycheck and look down at the floor and hand it to her and tell her you will let her use your credit cards.

 

You see, weakness is the most unattractive thing you can do. You yourself have been driving her away because she is disgusted at your pathetic weakness. There is nothing you can do to drive her away any faster than to be pathetically weak. Nothing is more ugly and sad to them. Get hold of yourself and be a man. FORGET this garbage person and move on, you'll have more respect for yourself. If you continue in this weakness, you will never forgive yourself. Your marriage is already over and has been since she knew you would let her bang some strange and still beg her and crawl for her. You are doing far more damage to yourself esteem than she could ever do to you.. Time to man up.

[WinterPain]

Thank you all for your messages. I'm touched that you guys would offer your time and your help to a stranger like myself.

 

I know you are right. I know how pathetic and ridiculous this is. I guess I'm out of my mind crazy over her at this point and I'm putting up with things I know I should never put up with.

 

I really need to get away from her and not see her anymore, as much as I cannot bear the thought. I have this overwhelming and irrational fear that if I disappear, she'll forget all about me. That this new guy will have taken my place so completely that she may not even remember my name.

 

I've considered telling the new guy about her sexual favors towards me, even if they're modest. Maybe he'd be appalled. But then I'm sure I'd be cut off from her for good.

 

I'm thinking my only way out is to leave the area for an extended period of time and travel a little. Maybe quit my job and mover to another state. I do need to get away.

[Malenfant]

you obviously need time and space to get your head together.

 

and dont be too hard on yourself, you can get over this. you're stronger than you think.

 

its amazing how quickly things become easier to deal with when we're experiencing new things and enjoying ourselves. thats what you could do with by the sounds of it.

[hopesndreams]

You need to give your self-esteem and self-worth a boost by going back to your house, help her pack her stuff up, boot her out and change the locks. Do not bow down to this woman anymore! Does this OM have a wife/gf? If so, tell her. Tell the whole world what she's been up. Do not blame yourself for her behaviour either. Her choice to be the skank she turned into. The woman you loved, is gone, and no way in h*ll can you ever get her back and if you use your head, and not your heart, you wouldn't want her back.

 

I've considered telling the new guy about her sexual favors towards me, even if they're modest. Maybe he'd be appalled. But then I'm sure I'd be cut off from her for good.

 

If only she would cut you off for good, you would be so much better off. She wouldn't though, coz to her, you are fun to have around. She likes it. Take her fun away, you are not a plaything.....you are the MAN that won't put up with being treated like sh*t.

[WTFO]

 

... so you might as well prepare yourself for life after M. Which isn't such a bad things considering the alternative is sharing your life with someone you will never be able to trust again.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!

 

 

Bravo. Well said. This is my dilemma as well.

[Scrivdog]

Holy sh*t - pull yourself together, man! The advice given to you here is good. Your only chance at all to get her back, if that's what you actually think you want, is to go full out NC on her.

 

If you and wifey own the house, check and see if you're underwater. If so, sign the damn thing over to her. If not get her to buy you out. If all that fails get the sheister. But wait a month. If you're renting, you'll home free.

 

Now stop all contact with her for the next 30 days. No phone calls, no emails, no IMs, no nothing. Drop off her radar. Believe me - she won't forget about you. That's impossible. She'll instead have to consider life without you. Like you imagining her her entwined with her new guy, she's also going to imagine you finding another.

 

But the best part of the NC is that her spell on you will wane and you'll get our brains back. The awakening might be a bit harsher on you than others once you look back at what level you debased yourself - but mybe that's a good thing.

 

This woman is a piece of work. Giving you handjobs while going out with another guy. Unbelievable. She's a good woman to stay far away from. Guranteed you'll see that better in a month.

[whichwayisup]

I really need to get away from her and not see her anymore, as much as I cannot bear the thought. I have this overwhelming and irrational fear that if I disappear, she'll forget all about me. That this new guy will have taken my place so completely that she may not even remember my name.

That isn't going to happen. You two have a history together and are married! Even though her actions are awful and she's cheating, she hasn't and will not forget about you..

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is walk away..Atleast for now. She is NOT worthy of fighting for, giving a second chance! Until SHE shows genuine remorse, and gives you complete honesty, distance has to happen. IF you need to speak to her, let it be because of the house, or financial reasons, anything that falls short of that, do not speak to her at all.

 

 

I'm thinking my only way out is to leave the area for an extended period of time and travel a little. Maybe quit my job and mover to another state. I do need to get away.

 

That's a good idea, but be sure that moving away to another state and quitting your job is something you really want to do. A holiday, or taking vacation from work, stay with friends, visit your family, would do you good.

[seibert253]

She needs a wake call on several fronts. So far, everything you've done has been completely wrong.

 

1. Move back into your home. The reason why her A is continuing is because she has access to the OM unabaded. You need to throw a wrench into her plans

2. Read up on and implement the 180.

3. Contact an attorney and have D papers drawn. No need to file and have her served yet. Time my brother, time. There is a time for that, but not yet.

4. Expose, Expose, and Expose some more. A's thrive in secrecy and darkeness. When exposed light and reality, they tend to die off.

4a. Expose to your most important allie, the OM's W or GF.

 

This is war my friend and you've been losing bad, time to turn the tables. You need to come up with a plan and enlist your closest friends and family, as well as hers if possible, to help you in this war. That is, if you think you can digest all this, forgive and move forward. If you do not think this, or your wife, is worth the time and effort, then go straight to #3, file, and start D proceedings. Sometimes it's easier to cut bait and move on.

[WinterPain]

Thank you all for your advice. I decided to stop all contact with her for the time being. I purchased a book about getting your ex back (corny I know), but it's given me the impetus I need to implement NC.

 

I didn't call her yesterday or today. I heven't heard from her either. This is already very hard, but I'll stick to it.

[Fallen Angel]

I agree with most of the posters here, she doesn't seem worth fighting for. The things she has done/is doing to you are about as low as I have ever seen, and trust me I have been witness to or heard about some really horrible behaviour.

 

If you own your home I agree you should move back in and toss her stuff out. There is no way you should be providing for her welfare if this is how she behaves.

 

You should change your phone numbers, email accounts, and door locks. Serve her up with a harrassment charge if she keeps trying to bother you.

 

This is a game to her, she is trying to see how long she can keep you begging for her love while doing anything (and anyone) she wants. Huge ego boost for her, totally degrading to you.

 

MAN UP! DO NOT ACCEPT HER *****... shovel it right back at her!

 

I also agree you need to break finacial ties NOW! Close any joint accounts and keep records!!! File for a legal separation, so that she and her new toy can not rack up further monetary obligations for you to have to pay later. (after my divorce I got stuck with 10 grand in debt that my xH incurred AFTER we had separated!! all because i did not think to get the date of our separation in some form of legal contract so even though I had been gone for a year it was still "maritial debt" UGH)

 

The bottom line is this, NO ONE deserves to be treated this way, and you should NOT accept it.

[JumpinJimmy]

I feel for you...I've run into some pysco b*****, but she wins. You know what to do.

[Lostgurl]

I think this is by far the sickest thing i've ever heard on this site... I feel so badly for you.. Don't let her treat you like this anymore. It's partially your fault for the way you are feeling right now. Don't let her manipulate you the way she does. Just divorce her slutty ass and move on. The longer you go without talking to her or seeing her the better.

[Lovelybird]

I think your wife is a typical woman who love being treated like crap, and scorn weakness in a man. In a word, she doesn't have the ability to love and doesn't have moral code, and WHY do you want to get her back? your changing attitude isn't going to change her, maybe you can switch slave-master roles, but that is a sick thing too, please save headaches

 

and I agree with other posters, you need to pick your dignity back, and not allow anybody trample it on. If you cannot respect yourself, you cannot love others as well. Your happiness and dignity isn't in your wife's hand, but in yours.

Edited October 27, 2009 by Lovelybird

[Lostgurl]

I think your wife is a typical woman who love being treated like crap, and scorn weakness in a man. In a word, she doesn't have the ability to love and doesn't have moral code, and WHY do you want to get her back? your changing attitude isn't going to change her, maybe you can switch slave-master roles, but that is a sick thing too, please save headaches

 

and I agree with other posters, you need to pick your dignity back, and not allow anybody trample it on. If you cannot respect yourself, you cannot love others as well. Your happiness and dignity isn't in your wife's hand, but in yours.

I'm sorry to be rude, but how in the hell can you call this a TYPICAL woman???? I know not one woman like that. At best, i've known more women acting like him (sorry no offense) while the man was treating the woman this way in 98% more cases.

[Lovelybird]

I'm sorry to be rude, but how in the hell can you call this a TYPICAL woman???? I know not one woman like that. At best, i've known more women acting like him (sorry no offense) while the man was treating the woman this way in 98% more cases.

they should be read together, not split my message

 

I think your wife is a typical woman who love being treated like crap, and scorn weakness in a man. In a word, she doesn't have the ability to love and doesn't have moral code, and WHY do you want to get her back? your changing attitude isn't going to change her, maybe you can switch slave-master roles, but that is a sick thing too, please save headaches

 

and I agree with other posters, you need to pick your dignity back, and not allow anybody trample it on. If you cannot respect yourself, you cannot love others as well. Your happiness and dignity isn't in your wife's hand, but in yours.