An open letter from an OW to my MMs BW...

[tami-chan]

What she needs to do instead of saying apologies and love for everyone is get angry. Get really angry at this man for putting her in this position. For being with her when he has no intention of leaving his marriage. This is so extremely unfair to her and her future. The letter should be one of anger at him and the circumstances and I hope she finds it in her to get to that point. This is not some nice and noble guy. This is a man who is happily being loved by 2 women while one woman spends an awful lot of her time in pain while he is living the best of two worlds.

 

Get angry op get angry.

 

That would certainly help....it will make a bit easier to walk away. However, in time she will have to accept that she is ultimately responsible for her own actions/decisions. OP, you do what you can to help yourself.

[whichwayisup]

*Bows out* ..YOU WIN TAMI CHIN!! Obviously you need to win arguments. So enjoy!

[Devil Inside]

Fallen Angel

 

As you can read...there are many differing opinions on what your letter meant, who it was meant for, and if it would help you in your healing process.

 

I would love to hear how you would answer the above questions...seeing as that you wrote the letter.

 

My opinion...you wrote the letter to get out some feelings you were having. Feelings that were deeply rooted and were now becoming more obvious to you. You are letting go of the man you loved and are now feeling some remorse, guilt, and possibly shame for your part in the affair and how that impacts his wife.

 

I think that it will help your healing process to be able to articulate your emotions...whether that be in person with a friend or therapist...or even here on this board.

 

I think that it makes no sense for us to tell you that you do not feel what you are feeling...they are your feelings...nobody else can take them from you. I think that you need to follow this process at your pace.

 

There are many here that have seen this situation so many times...they want to help you from being in more pain then necessary. There are many here that are able to see that there are actions you could take that would be in line with how you feel...they want to see you take actions with integrity.

 

Sometimes...I think we all forget how hard it is to be in the situation at this stage. I am not far removed from the end of my affair and I still find myself preaching NC to every other person here. It's not that it is not good advice...it just may be falling on deaf ears...the pain of the situation makes it hard to receive feedback..I get that...so let me step back and instead offer support.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. It is a pain that cuts deep. The love that exists in affairs is intense and all consuming...when it is gone, or facing the possibility of it's absence...is very scary. It feels like standing at the mouth of an empty canyon..where once it was filled with love. I can tell you...the pain will lessen. You will be able to go on. One day you will even love again. If you need support moving on come here...ask..people will help you to not slip...and even if you do (it happens) we are here.

[Fallen Angel]

I want to thank all of you for your words. be them kind, or hurtfull, know that I am listening. I am suffering because of bad decisions I made. I am well aware of that. And I need to be the one who fixes what I broke.

 

I will, in my own time, do what I need to do to heal. As of today, I haven't decided what that will be. I don't yet know if that means I will go NC right away, or if I will slowly back out. I haven't yet figured out what is best for ME. And for a change I am thinking of what is in MY best interest. I think that alone is a big step in the right direction. I have decided that I will not make HIS feelings factor in MY decisions. I know this will be tough on him as well, and to be honest, at this point, I don't really care.

 

I have so far only started this journey. I have a long way to go. This is a place I have never been before and a place I know I will never return.

 

I have stopped taking ALL of his calls. I have stopped responding to ALL of his instant messages. ( I respond to only about one in four of his calls/instant messages)

 

I m sure there are many of you who will tell me that is not enough. But it is what i am capable of today. I do not know what tomorrow will bring.

 

But I think I am on the right path. And I am willing to take baby steps to get to the end, despite how painful they are.

 

I look forward to hearing more from all of you. Even those of you who only seek to point out how awful I am to have gotten myself into this at all. I am a big girl. You can not crush me. I have allowed myself to be crushed for far too long to allow you to. I am getting stronger. And with my strength, comes his weakening. Someday he will no longer hold any power of me, over my heart. I just have a lot more work to do....

 

I would though, like to request, that everyone stop fighting. It doesn't do any of us any good to fight. It will not help me to heal. It will not aid you in your continued healing. To those defending me, I appreciate your love and concern. It has been duly noted. But, I ask that you show the strength you have, and not strike out in response to angry posters. Anger at each other will not fix what is broken inside of us. It can only further damage us.

 

Again, Thank You all.

[HUFI]

Quote - I am suffering because of bad decisions I made. I am well aware of that. And I need to be the one who fixes what I broke - End Quote

 

Fallen Angel - Bravo.

 

I think that your letter was a beautiful swan song for the end of your affair.

 

I'm a WS and while I take utter responsibility for my affair, the truth is very more complex than most people see. I have to admit there have been times when I wish I could have written such a letter to my OP to achieve closure of sorts.

 

I can't because cold turkey NC was the answer to my situation but I do have an appreciation for your feelings and your letter. After all, even the BS and OP are ultimately victims of their hearts as they fall down the slippery road to hell and beyound.

 

I wish you luck in untangling yourself from this situation and I wish you the best in your life.

[stillafool]

BW,

I know you don't know me. For obvious reasons, for me, this is a good thing. But sometimes i wonder, if the circumstances were different, would we be friends? I am sure we have a lot of differences, but I am willing to bet we are more alike than he even realizes. After all, he loves us both, and we both love him.... we obviously share some common ground.

 

First, I would like to say I am sorry. I am sorry for the smiles I have stolen from you. The kisses, the carresses, and the many hours of intimate conversation. I am sorry for all the times he lied to you, and I aided him in decieving you. That is not my true nature.

 

My true nature is to be honest, and good, and loving. My true nature is to be open, and giving and helpfull. When I am with him, I am all those things, to everyone except you. I wish i was strong enough to always exhibit the parts of me that are the best of me. But i am weak.

 

I am weak. That is a hard thing to admit. But, I am sure you understand, because you are weak too. We both know, each about the other, but seem to be powerless to make him choose.

 

He pretends to believe that you don't know. But, you and I, we know differently. You have seen the phone bills, you have heard the whispered phone calls, the late nights sitting at his computer, til the sun comes up. You have tried calling and gotten his voice mail too many times. You know, and it hurts you, and I am sorry.

 

I am sorry he was with me, when your grandchild was born too early. I am sorry that he chose to stay, even after you called. he would have come, if i had been able to come with him. And I know, how horrible that must feel for you to know. I tried to get him to go. For your sake. Please know that.

 

I am sorry for the times he leaves the house, and misses out on family time because he knows that i am missing him. I am sorry you have had to see him drive around the block several times before pulling in the driveway because he just can not bring himself to say goodbye. it makes me feel like a thief.

 

I am sorry for the times when I have been on the edge of saying it is over, and he has been nasty to you, because of being hurt by me. I am sorry for all of this and so much, so much more. You probably do not believe me, i wouldn't if I was you. but it is true.

 

It is true because if i was you, I know how devestated i would feel. But know this, I envy you.

 

I don't envy the lies he tells you, i envy that he still loves you enough to lie. i don't envy the nights you are alone, i envy the days that you have him. I don't envy the love he takes away from you to give to someone else. But I envy the fact that he obviously loves you more than he will ever love me.

 

I am jealous. I want to hate you. But he has never said an unkind word about you. He loves you, he respects you, he shares everything with you... except for me. You got to have his name, You gave him his children whom he adores, you stood next to him through everything.

 

You have no reason to envy me. What I get, is what is left over. And it is not enough to fill a life. I wish it was. I can not imagine my life without him, yet when I look ahead, my life is empty.

 

It is not me he plans to grow old with. it is not me he will celebrate his 25th anniversary with this year. It is not me who he plans on loving and supporting until death do us part. You get all of that. And you know that it what I desire.

 

I wish I could hate you. That would make it easier. But I can not. I want to be you... well, almost.

 

I promise i will try to grow strong enough to give you back the part of him i have been taking. It is a small part, but i have been holding on to it like a drowning man holds on to a float. I want to give it back. I want to make us both free.

 

We have both been in a prision, trapped, feeling as though if we both hold on, we will leave with the prize. But the truth is, we are here because we have both been weak, but more so, because he is weak. he shares things with me that he is ashamed for you to see. he wants to be strong with you, for you to feel proud of him, and so he uses me to show his weakness. he uses me to be that part of himself he thinks you will not be proud of, that part of him he fears you will reject.

 

And it is not fair. Not to you. not to me. and not even to him.

 

I think if he gave you the chance, you would love and accept him for all that he is, even that flawed scared little boy he feels he can only be with me. I think if he gave you the chance, that he would see that he had everything he needed all along.

 

I think soon, he will give you the chance. I will be leaving soon. he will need you more than ever. And I hope that he has learned from me, how to love you better. how to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I have told him that he needs to give to you all that he has given me, and watch how you blossom into the woman of his dreams again. i hope he was listening.

 

i know you will never read this here. it is okay. I had to say it anyway, and i do not have the strength to say it to you directly. i do not wish to force a Dday on him. Even though it has long since passed, you wanted to act as though it didn't. You waited me out, and I concede defeat.

 

I love you. I know that sounds odd. i know you do not believe it, but I do. I love you for loving him. I love you for helping to shape him into someone I could love so completely, when I did not know that i could ever feel love again. I wish you happiness. i wish you love.

 

Thank You, for sharing him with me for a little while. i know it has been hard for you, but it has helped me to learn to love again. And that was a gift. Thank you.

 

 

If I were you I would stop obsessing over his wife and just enjoy your time with him. I could only read up to the second paragraph as this is just too silly.

[Dexter Morgan]

Ok, as an x-BS, I thought it was an ok letter(although too many sorry's made it sound kind of condescending)

 

But then at the end you wrote this:

 

Thank You, for sharing him with me for a little while.

 

WTF?

 

you lost the credibility with that one line right there.

[Dexter Morgan]

If you have nothing constructive to say, please refrain from saying anything. I do not have to, nor will i justify myself to you or anyone else.

 

then I take it you won't be sending this letter to the BW then....eh?

 

EDIT: read where you said you were not sending this.

[2sure]

Thank You, for sharing him with me for a little while. i know it has been hard for you, but it has helped me to learn to love again. And that was a gift. Thank you.

 

I'm no pro, but from an etiquette stand point...

 

This may be one of the rare instances when receiving a gift should NOT be followed up with a thank you note.

[TogetherForever]

OP should erase that line of the letter ASAP!!

 

WTF?!

[silktricks]

 

You would think, by some of the lashing out that I was thier WSs OW.

 

.

 

FA - most of the people who have "lashed out" at the letter (not at you, but at the LETTER) are actually not BW, they are OW's. So, you may want to recant the above.

 

The point, IMO, that most people have made (I haven't read the entire thread...) is that you (in the LETTER) have portrayed yourself in a manner that is ultimately frustrating to most people. You want to see yourself as someone who is just a bit too "good" for most appetites.

 

I'm sure that when you wrote it you were attempting on one hand to show how bad you feel/felt about the situation. And I'm sure that you do feel bad. And on the other hand, you seemed to want to show what a generous and loving spirit you have. I tend to think, though, that if the MM had chosen to leave his wife you wouldn't feel nearly so bad. So pretend for a moment... would you have written anything even CLOSE to what you wrote if the MM had left his wife for you? Would you have said you thought you could be friends, would you have said you love her?

 

OK, still pretending, now, imagine that you are married to him and you RECEIVE this letter? What is your opinion about the writer? Do you feel pretty well skewered? As a former BS... if I had received a letter such as this from my husband's OW, I would have no question about how she felt about me, I'd know that she wants me to feel even WORSE than I already felt.

 

I actually do not think that is your intent (and I know... you weren't going to send it anyway), but still, you may want to plan a trip to revisit your own ego and investigate what's really going on inside of you. I really sincerely believe you don't love the MM's wife, and that you truly wish she didn't exist.

 

All that said - I hope you are doing better soon.