An open letter from an OW to my MMs BW...

[Athena]

FallenAngel, for what it's worth, I felt your letter was heartfelt and genuine. I hope you manage to extricate your tangled heart from MM and make your happiness complete.

 

What particularly touched me was when you wrote your thankfulness to his W for helping to make him who he was, to be a man you loved when you felt it would never happen.

 

I encourage you to take this experience as a positive sign that you are capable of being loved, and I wish you all the best in finding a single and emotionally available man who will cherish you as you deserve.

[whichwayisup]

I have ended the PA but I am having a much harder time letting go of the EA.

 

Focus on other things in your life..Detach from him, keep yourself busy. Get out of the habit of checking your email. Get out and meet up with your friends, don't isolate yourself..

 

Okay, so here is my story, maybe it will help people understand me a little better. *shrugs* This man and I were "online friends" for many years, 6 to be exact.. STRICTLY FRIENDS.

I did not know then his maritial status, it wasn't important because there was nothing more than friendly conversation between us. Idle chit chat.

 

You only know what he's told you, and he started it all off with a big fat lie!! Once you found out, even though you had deep feelings for him, it should have ended...He's a LIAR and a cheat, so how you can believe what he tells you now? He's so dishonest..

 

Then we lost contact for about two years. During that time my abusive marriage became unbearable and I was on the edge and ready to jump. The day I had decided to kill myself was the day that he instant messaged me again after 2 years. We spent the whole night talking. I never told him what my plans had been, but without knowing it, that night he saved me.

 

Why was there no contact for 2 years?

 

Over the next year, our friendship grew, and a love that I didn't plan on. I left my marriage. (NOT FOR HIM) And started a new life. But I found myself falling in love with this man. Our online chats became phone calls.

I never asked his maritial status, and he never offered. I guess maybe somewhere inside I knew there was someone, but I was also given free reign to call anytime day or night, and he always answered, so part of me believed he was free.

 

Sorry, I'm abit confused..It took him 6 years to come clean to tell you the truth of his marriage? Did he have an explanation as to why he omitted that important bit of information from you?

 

We talked about ALMOST everything, work, kids, love, life. he bacame my best friend, my support system. He just omitted the W from his stories.

 

Again, isn't trust an issue? Lying, omitting..Even though you two shared alot online, then moved it to the phone, he only let you in in small bits.. You really don't know this man..At all. Only what he tells you and shows you..

 

 

We were still not involved in a PA. Had never even met in person. But, he already had my heart. I know that sounds silly, that I could be in love with someone whose hand I had never even held, but it was true.

 

This went on for another few months. My heart getting further entangled with him. We met and our R became physical. Then the bombshell hit, I found out he is married. Too late for my heart i am afraid. I should have ended it there. I know this. But, I needed. I needed all the beautiful loving words. The tender touches. The "I love you" that I had been missing during my 15 yr M. And I continued in the A.

 

Did you ever seek counselling from your abusive past? with your H and marriage? Get help? Being vunerable and seeing what you want to see, believe - This guy KNEW and roped you in, took advantage..Yet, you let him in knowing he was married and continued the A. Where was your anger back then?

 

It has been going on for over a year now, and everytime he is gone i start feeling brave, like I can make it without him and let go and move on. Then he shows up and I cave in. I don't know how to turn off the love. While our R has been physical, it has always been much more about the emotional intimacy. We cuddle much more than we f**k. We talk much more than we kiss. We hold hands much more than we carress.

 

He's using you..Sure, he cares about you, on his terms though.. He's getting a need met by you that he can't get at home..He's a broken man..A selfish man.. He manipulates you (still) and knows what buttons to push so you'll cave.

So now, here I am , a few weeks out of No More PA, and I find that that is the easy part. I have lost lovers before. I do not need a man to make me orgasm, that is something I can do for myself. My sense of such despair comes from losing my best friend. I don't know how.

 

Rely on other people in your life. Family, women friends, people who you know and truly care about you. Keep posting here, even if you're getting harsh advice, it's because many can see around the corner and are trying to help you..Not all are loving and hand holding..Sometimes the best advice (when you're ready to hear it) IS the harsher and realistic advice.. Don't fool yourself..Take the blinders off, take a step back and see your situation from another angle..maybe you'll see how damaging this A is for you, even as an EA..It's unhealthy and preventing you from finding LOVE again with someone else..

 

I even find myself talking to him about the pain of losing him. HOW SICK IS THAT?

 

He can't help you..He's just going to make you feel worse.. And take advantage..

 

Block him, or change your email address. Get a new IM, delete the other accounts, this way it's harder for him to contact you.. Focus on YOU, healing and letting go..One day at a time. Even change your home number if need be. Get this guy out of your blood, out of your life.

 

He stays in his marriage for whatever reasons. They are unimportant to me really, the important part to me is that he stays. I know this is not easy on him, because I think his feelings for me are as genuine as mine for him. But, I am angry with him because he doesn't have to go through it alone, and I do! I am angry at myself for not being able to be as strong as all these women on here seem to be. How do you do it? Where do you find the strength to not answer his calls? I want to be like that, but I am losing my bset friend, and it feels like dying.

 

Ofcourse it's going to hurt, and it will for a long time.. He isn't yours and he never was..He lied, manipulated, fooled you.. But, now you know better and he's chosen to stay married..He loves his wife, their life together..It's just that he has gotten used to having two women meet his needs - it's easier for him to do nothing, keep you both in his life than end it with you or with her.

 

If you can't do this on your own, seek some counselling to help you get stronger..Help you get to the place you need to be so you can truly walk away and go on..

 

The choice is yours.

[tami-chan]

To her. It's great she's aware of his wife, has empathy, sympathy etc, and feels bad for taking time away from MM's wife, sees the damage it's caused all around.. But, unless she puts this into action, aka ending the affair completely, letting go of him, it's meaningless.

 

Ok, let me get this straight, you think it is therapeutic but yet meaningless? C'mon you are talking out of two orifices here.

[LakesideDream]

FallenAngel, I think I get it. The first time I read your original post, I had to stop and read it again. It was well enough written I thought it might be unoriginal.. I started to get it though.

 

As I read the thread I wasn't suprised, especially not by the flamers. There are people here who live for the pain. When I came to GEL's first response, I went back to the original post and read it again. I respect GEL's opinion... a lot. I have decided I don't agree with her on this one.

 

What I read FallenAngel was a love letter. I heard your heart talking not your head. I understood and continue to understand what you are feeling. Love, tainted by sadness. I know that well. Sometimes love doesen't go away. Even the strongest of us can be chained for life.

 

I have a lot or respect for you. I know you treated him well. I know you loved him unconditionally. And still do. I know you hurt, and I feel compassion for you.

 

Trust that it stops hurting every minute at first, later you go hours, sometimes days and weeks. You get to live your life. Good luck Lady, it's not an easy road your chosen.

[donnamaybe]

Ok, let me get this straight, you think it is therapeutic but yet meaningless? C'mon you are talking out of two orifices here.

 

Pretty simple, really, if you actually read what she wrote. She said that the OP typing THE LETTER was therapeutic, but her feelings of remorse for the wife are meaningless if she continues to do the things she is remorseful for.

[LakesideDream]

Pretty simple, really, if you actually read what she wrote. She said that the OP typing THE LETTER was therapeutic, but her feelings of remorse for the wife are meaningless if she continues to do the things she is remorseful for.

 

 

Donna, I don't hear remorse. I just hear sadness and pain. I don't believe she set out to hurt the BS, or her own spouse for that matter. It happened. I hear her trying to get it straight in her mind. She's trying to make sense out of falling in love, which in itself is hopeless.

 

Look at her avatar... it's all she has (= values), damn now I am sad for her.

[tami-chan]

Pretty simple, really, if you actually read what she wrote. She said that the OP typing THE LETTER was therapeutic, but her feelings of remorse for the wife are meaningless if she continues to do the things she is remorseful for.

 

Well, I asked "meaningless to whom?"the response was..meaningless to her (OP)....that does not make sense...it would be meaningless to the wife...but the letter was not meant to be mailed to the wife...so it was not meant to be meaningful to the wife, anyway.

 

Did YOU read the letter in it's entirety? It would have saved you your silly response.

[OWoman]

wow you broke up the family. He divorced and you dumped him? Cold cold cold.

 

Huh? Are you obliged to retain every R, whether it's working for you or not, just because the other party "gives up" something? that strikes me as completely bizarre!

 

I've dumped several MMs who Dd - because that wasn't what I wanted. It changed the fundamental premise of the R into something unacceptable to me - and they knew upfront what my views were on that. I can't speak for Tami, or her MM and what his expectations (or interpretations of her expecations) were, but I reckon she has every right to end a R that no longer works for her. People break up all the time. A kiss, a grope or a stitch is not a life-long contract.

 

Fallen - I won't comment on your letter beyond saying that it's clear you're in a great deal of pain. This man stepped into your life at a point at which you really needed him, and as a result the dynamic has always been skewed. It's difficult for you to step outside of this now, but you need to do whatever works best for you.

[2sure]

Dear OW,

 

You're right, we do have some things in common. The knowledge that he isn't leaving the marriage, the knowledge that he is a liar, the knowledge that we are both being hurt, and that we both love him, and I admit he probably does love me more than you or at leat thinks he does.

 

But I have to disagree on a couple of points. He loves himself the most, or at least loves to have his ego fed , more than he loves me, you, or his life with his family. Thats his priority, regardless of what else he says it is. It iis the affair he loves - really nothing much to do with either of us personally.

 

As to the rest, no I probably wouldnt like you, I dont know that either. The description you have given of yourself, your true nature...is a description of yourself taken from the way the affair makes you feel...loving and giving. But lets face it, your actions are the opposite of that - so thats who you are, thats your nature. You are a taker. You feel bad simply because you wish you could take more.

 

But dont take it so hard. I dont resent you personally. If he wasnt getting his ego fed by you, it would be by someone else. The only one here he feels is not replaceable is me. Which is why he stays and why he lies. Its not an enviable position.

[whichwayisup]

Pretty simple, really, if you actually read what she wrote. She said that the OP typing THE LETTER was therapeutic, but her feelings of remorse for the wife are meaningless if she continues to do the things she is remorseful for.

 

That's what I meant. Saying one feels bad for their choices is one thing, but putting it into action and doing the necessary changes is another. It's like saying I'm sorry, and not changing the behaviour which caused the "I'm sorry." it's that plain and simple.

 

Well, I asked "meaningless to whom?"the response was..meaningless to her (OP)....that does not make sense...it would be meaningless to the wife...but the letter was not meant to be mailed to the wife...so it was not meant to be meaningful to the wife, anyway.

 

Did YOU read the letter in it's entirety? It would have saved you your silly response.

 

Ok, let me get this straight, you think it is therapeutic but yet meaningless? C'mon you are talking out of two orifices here.

 

Tami - Please don't be so rude. What's with the name calling and pot shots? That was totally uncalled for.

[greengoddess]

Huh? Are you obliged to retain every R, whether it's working for you or not, just because the other party "gives up" something? that strikes me as completely bizarre!

 

I've dumped several MMs who Dd - because that wasn't what I wanted. It changed the fundamental premise of the R into something unacceptable to me - and they knew upfront what my views were on that.

 

Yes collecting mm was some sort of sport to you. Got him! Time to let him go. Maybe you should take up fishing instead.

[tami-chan]

wwiu, are you interested in being fair? do you think you are not being rude for dismissing the poster? She already knows it is meaningless to her MM's BS. She knows, you know how? because she was not sending the letter to her-the letter and the emotions she expressed in the letter are non-existent to the wife. This letter is only meaningful TO HER. This is for her benefit. And that is acceptable-it is part of the process of her healing and making right for herself-some catharsis, maybe, even therapeutic. You cannot see that because you even said that unless she actually ends the relationship and goes NC she will not get it from here (well, you wrong, some people are encouraging her and thus supporting her in what she is ultimately trying to do-to end the relationship). So, here's another question for you. Why are you posting on her thread when you have already dismissed her? ohhh, I get because you can, right? it IS after all an open forum !

[NoIDidn't]

What I read FallenAngel was a love letter.

 

 

A love letter from the OW to the BW is not going to go over well.

 

That's why many BSs don't like it. There was no love for the BS during the A, so why now?

 

I really don't see why differences of opinion are almost always seen as 'flames' by some in this forum?

[tami-chan]

wwiu, are you interested in being fair? do you think you are not being rude for dismissing the poster? She already knows it is meaningless to her MM's BS. She knows, you know how? because she was not sending the letter to her-the letter and the emotions she expressed in the letter are non-existent to the wife. This letter is only meaningful TO HER. This is for her benefit. And that is acceptable-it is part of the process of her healing and making right for herself-some catharsis, maybe, even therapeutic. You cannot see that because you even said that unless she actually ends the relationship and goes NC she will not get it from here (well, you wrong, some people are encouraging her and thus supporting her in what she is ultimately trying to do-to end the relationship). So, here's another question for you. Why are you posting on her thread when you have already dismissed her? ohhh, I get because you can, right? it IS after all an open forum !

 

That should read: "She will not get support from here..."

[2sure]

I dont flame anyone, and I dont think I'm being accused of it regarding my response to the OP. But, I do know that when anyone in the infidelity circle posts....they (me too) NEED to hear the thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of the other people in the circle.

 

An affair, infidelity, changes the perception of reality to each person...but the reality itself doesnt change. Its not flaming, its a service, its supportive, and its necessary to interject even a vent with some reality.

[greengoddess]

wwiu, are you interested in being fair? do you think you are not being rude for dismissing the poster? She already knows it is meaningless to her MM's BS. She knows, you know how? because she was not sending the letter to her-the letter and the emotions she expressed in the letter are non-existent to the wife. This letter is only meaningful TO HER. This is for her benefit. And that is acceptable-it is part of the process of her healing and making right for herself-some catharsis, maybe, even therapeutic. You cannot see that because you even said that unless she actually ends the relationship and goes NC she will not get it from here (well, you wrong, some people are encouraging her and thus supporting her in what she is ultimately trying to do-to end the relationship). So, here's another question for you. Why are you posting on her thread when you have already dismissed her? ohhh, I get because you can, right? it IS after all an open forum !

 

 

Catharsis will only come with being honest with herself. She is not being honest to herself. She is trying to alleviate her guilt. Maybe support comes from helping her be honest with herself.

[whichwayisup]

wwiu, are you interested in being fair? do you think you are not being rude for dismissing the poster? She already knows it is meaningless to her MM's BS. She knows, you know how? because she was not sending the letter to her-the letter and the emotions she expressed in the letter are non-existent to the wife. This letter is only meaningful TO HER. This is for her benefit. And that is acceptable-it is part of the process of her healing and making right for herself-some catharsis, maybe, even therapeutic. You cannot see that because you even said that unless she actually ends the relationship and goes NC she will not get it from here (well, you wrong, some people are encouraging her and thus supporting her in what she is ultimately trying to do-to end the relationship). So, here's another question for you. Why are you posting on her thread when you have already dismissed her? ohhh, I get because you can, right? it IS after all an open forum !

 

Tami - CHILL OUT!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2395279&postcount=53

 

Re-read this and tell me that I'm not being supportive and I'm dismissing the OP.

 

Anyway, I'm here to help the OP.. You sit and accuse others of being bitter, well, take a look in the mirror..

[NoIDidn't]

I dont flame anyone, and I dont think I'm being accused of it regarding my response to the OP. But, I do know that when anyone in the infidelity circle posts....they (me too) NEED to hear the thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of the other people in the circle.

 

An affair, infidelity, changes the perception of reality to each person...but the reality itself doesnt change. Its not flaming, its a service, its supportive, and its necessary to interject even a vent with some reality.

 

Not to mention even the title of this thread said that it was "an open letter".

 

The whining on this board has got to stop. If you are grown enough to sneak around with someone else's spouse, then you need to be grown enough to hear differing opinions on it.

[2sure]

This isnt a BLOG. Its a FORUM. We each NEED the posts from those who have similar feelings, those who encourage , and those who give us the other side, and sometimes a slap upside the head. THATS what support is.

 

I care too much about the people coming here with life's problems to enable them. I care about OP.

[tami-chan]

So let me get this straight, wwiu...telling her she will not get support IS supporting her?

 

Bitter? ....why would I be bitter? I have the men in my life where I want them.

 

I know you have been an "established member" for a long time(people seem to always bring that up about you, hmmm...).....but c'mon if you cannot support a member because she/he does not fit your idea of someone sorry, then why bother posting? Because you can't help yourself, right?

[OWoman]

Yes collecting mm was some sort of sport to you. Got him! Time to let him go. Maybe you should take up fishing instead.

 

Not only is this completely off topic, it's also completely misinformed and plain wrong. Still, if delusion works for you, enjoy it!

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2395279&postcount=53

 

Again, re-read my post to FA.

 

Being bitter has nothing to do with men, it's you being rude to others, including to me. Your pot shots, putting other posters down because you don't like 'their' advice to any OP.

[tami-chan]

Catharsis will only come with being honest with herself. She is not being honest to herself. She is trying to alleviate her guilt. Maybe support comes from helping her be honest with herself.

 

And you know she is not being honest about her emotions, how? You guys do not understand, this is just part of her journey to being whole again and ultimately to "do the right thing". Time and time again, we have read about people in destructive relationships and how difficult it is for many to walk away. She is trying...she has stopped the PA-in my opinion, a big step; she wants to end the relationship, how is that helping when we invalidate her emotions? Oh, "just telling it like it is"....but how do you know your truth is the truth? How about we just allow her to vent, to express, to ask questions?

 

So what if she is trying to alleviate her guilt? That is human nature. She vacillates between a myriad of emotions, have you not noticed? She also beats herself up...all part of the journey ....

 

The problem with many here is that they have an idea on how an OW who comes to the boards should act (well, in this case present herself) and if she does not fit in the cubicle then she will be slammed. Ridiculous this is not only for your guys to slam people, this is also a SUPPORT forum. Sometimes, the kind of support they want is not the kind you want to encouraged and that's ok, you do not have to put in your two cents.

[tami-chan]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2395279&postcount=53

 

Again, re-read my post to FA.

 

Being bitter has nothing to do with men, it's you being rude to others, including to me. Your pot shots, putting other posters down because you don't like 'their' advice to any OP.

 

I am rude because I called you out on your unfairness? so be it. Your post above was not your original post, you know and I know it. Try not to spin.

[greengoddess]

What she needs to do instead of saying apologies and love for everyone is get angry. Get really angry at this man for putting her in this position. For being with her when he has no intention of leaving his marriage. This is so extremely unfair to her and her future. The letter should be one of anger at him and the circumstances and I hope she finds it in her to get to that point. This is not some nice and noble guy. This is a man who is happily being loved by 2 women while one woman spends an awful lot of her time in pain while he is living the best of two worlds.

 

Get angry op get angry.