An open letter from an OW to my MMs BW...

[greengoddess]

Are you asking ME? or is that a general question to all OWs waiting for their MMs to leave the wife? If you are asking me, rest assured, I broke up with the xOM when he divorced his wife and asked me to marry him...he still calls and the offer is still available.

 

I am not sure what you mean by OP "ignoring the obvious". She has conceded "defeat", she knows MM will not leave the wife...and she said that she will be gone soon (presumably from her MM's life, and in effect, from his marriage)....

 

Im curious, why is the "whole letter a crock"?...see, it is easy to throw words in when you do not have to explain or be responsible for it, care to explain?

 

wow you broke up the family. He divorced and you dumped him? Cold cold cold.

[Fallen Angel]

For the record, I have NOT, nor would I send this to his W. I wrote it to get out some of the things i am feeling, and to try to work through my pain. Writing sometimes is helpful in that regard.

 

As to me being villianized here, I guess I expected some of it. I am a big girl, I have made mistakes, done things I am not proud of, but I refuse to accept your portrayal of me as villian and take your anger on to myself. I beat myself up enough, direct your abuse elsewhere! I did not go into this with all the facts, I never intended to fall in love with a MM. I did not find out he was married until it was too late for my heart. Yes, I accept that I have chosen to continue in my relationship with him. For that I accept the blame. But for all of your finger pointing and anger, I know that some of you have also done things for which you were not proud.

 

I am in the process of ending things with him. Not by his choice, I assure you. But because this is not a healthy situation for me.

 

Do I feel remorse? Obviously. I have been on the other side, and never expected to find myself on this one.

 

As to him being horrid, or perfect. He is neither, nor am I, nor I would be willing to bet are any of you. But, I do see in him the potential to be an amazing man, and I wish for him that he takes that potential and runs with it.

 

I would like to point out to the people that want to beat me up for my poor choices, that I am NOT the one who made a commitment to her. I am breaking no vow I made. Does this eleviate my guilt? maybe, a little bit. Should it, No, probably not. But that is what we do as human beings, attempt to protect ourselves from pain. Even if it includes lying to ourselves about our own culpability in causing someone else's.

 

Anyway, i am sure I will be beaten up some more for daring to respond at all. But for the record to the one FORMER OW who now thinks she has the right to be cruel. You too have made mistakes, coming out the other side and choosing not to make the same ones again is all one can hope for. Perhaps you should make an attempt at remembering that we are all flawed. Your halo has slipped also.

[tami-chan]

wow you broke up the family. He divorced and you dumped him? Cold cold cold.

 

ahmmmm....no . LOL...I cannot take credit for the break-up of their family. It was already broken and he and his wife were living separate lives. Yes, I know, many MM say that but in my case, it happened to be true. So I was not a secret in his life-there was no BW.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

But know this, I envy you.

 

I don't envy the lies he tells you, i envy that he still loves you enough to lie. i don't envy the nights you are alone, i envy the days that you have him. I don't envy the love he takes away from you to give to someone else. But I envy the fact that he obviously loves you more than he will ever love me.

 

I am jealous. I want to hate you. But he has never said an unkind word about you. He loves you, he respects you, he shares everything with you... except for me. You got to have his name, You gave him his children whom he adores, you stood next to him through everything.

 

You have no reason to envy me. What I get, is what is left over. And it is not enough to fill a life. I wish it was. I can not imagine my life without him, yet when I look ahead, my life is empty.

 

It is not me he plans to grow old with. it is not me he will celebrate his 25th anniversary with this year. It is not me who he plans on loving and supporting until death do us part. You get all of that. And you know that it what I desire.

 

I wish I could hate you. That would make it easier. But I can not. I want to be you... well, almost.

 

Fallen Angel, I am currently an OW in an A w/ MM for more than six months. Thank you for this letter. The part I excerpted/highlighted above made me cry. I am trying to end mine as well.

 

Despite the overwhelming negative reaction you've received about this letter, I appreciate you writing it. I feel the same regarding the part above. IMO, it helps tremendously to write things out -- esp. in a letter format like that. I have written letters/poems to my MM explaining why I want to end it and have only sent one (several months ago.) It was long, harsh and hurtful, according to him. Clearly it didn't do its intended goal (ending the A.)

 

Do you think there is ever a chance you'll meet your MM's wife? I have not met my MM's w (and, chances are v. slim that I would by coincidence, so it would only be by direct confrontation.) And, I'm pretty sure if we ever did that would be the absolute worst thing for my integrity, self-confidence, self-worth, you name it. And, of course, I would deserve it all and more. I had never thought about that event happening until just now.

 

From one OW to another... thank you. The worst part about an A, coming from the OW's perspective, is just that. the OTHER part. You articulated that well.

 

I can not imagine my life without him, yet when I look ahead, my life is empty.

 

And, this thought horrifies me.

[Fallen Angel]

Fallen Angel, I am currently an OW in an A w/ MM for more than six months. Thank you for this letter. The part I excerpted/highlighted above made me cry. I am trying to end mine as well.

 

Despite the overwhelming negative reaction you've received about this letter, I appreciate you writing it. I feel the same regarding the part above. IMO, it helps tremendously to write things out -- esp. in a letter format like that. I have written letters/poems to my MM explaining why I want to end it and have only sent one (several months ago.) It was long, harsh and hurtful, according to him. Clearly it didn't do its intended goal (ending the A.)

 

Do you think there is ever a chance you'll meet your MM's wife? I have not met my MM's w (and, chances are v. slim that I would by coincidence, so it would only be by direct confrontation.) And, I'm pretty sure if we ever did that would be the absolute worst thing for my integrity, self-confidence, self-worth, you name it. And, of course, I would deserve it all and more. I had never thought about that event happening until just now.

 

From one OW to another... thank you. The worst part about an A, coming from the OW's perspective, is just that. the OTHER part. You articulated that well.

 

I can not imagine my life without him, yet when I look ahead, my life is empty.

 

And, this thought horrifies me.

 

 

I do not anticipate a time when I would meet his W. I live in a different town and we live very different lives. If for some reason I were to run into them somewhere, I would hope that I would just walk away.

 

Like I said, I never intended this. Had I known he was married before it began, I wouldn't be here now. I have been in her shoes, I had no intention of passing mine along to someone else. I would never send HER this letter. I may send HIM some version of it someday, so he knows the truth about how I really feel. But for now, my plan is to just let go and move on.

 

I have seen many posts here telling women to tell the wife for their own benefit. Perhaps they are right, perhaps her having ALL the facts would help her to make a better decision. But, I do not feel I have that right or responsibility. I did not work to destroy their marriage. Whatever flaws exisit in thier relationship were there before I was, if not, there would not have been room for me. The work they need to do to repair it is up to them, they know what is broken, I don't think I am part of the repair team.

 

I know that the fear of "looking forward alone" is terrifying. That is why I came here seeking support. Thank You for yours. I admit to being weak, but perhaps together we can find the strength we need to do what we know needs to be done. Good Luck to you, whatever you decide. I am here if you want to talk. (how long does it take before you get to use personal messages here?)

[tami-chan]

Do you think there is ever a chance you'll meet your MM's wife? I have not met my MM's w (and, chances are v. slim that I would by coincidence, so it would only be by direct confrontation.) And, I'm pretty sure if we ever did that would be the absolute worst thing for my integrity, self-confidence, self-worth, you name it. And, of course, I would deserve it all and more. I had never thought about that event happening until just now.

 

STOP. Do not do this to yourself. You cannot own the betrayal of this MM to his wife. You can only own your part of the affair. Yes, you are an accessory but you did not say the vows-that is ultimately the MM's responsibility. The choices he has made are his own, the lies he has told are his lies. He can always choose to stop. The wife is not your source of your confidence and self worth or whatever it is..you are your source of all these. Stop assigning these things to people other than yourself. They are not responsible for your being...you are responsible for yourself.

 

The relationship you are in has stripped you off a lot of things, it has not nurtured you into becoming a better version of yourself. Honestly, take stock of yourself and end this or make peace with what little you have.

[OpenBook]

I have seen many posts here telling women to tell the wife for their own benefit. Perhaps they are right, perhaps her having ALL the facts would help her to make a better decision. But, I do not feel I have that right or responsibility. I did not work to destroy their marriage. Whatever flaws exisit in thier relationship were there before I was, if not, there would not have been room for me. The work they need to do to repair it is up to them, they know what is broken, I don't think I am part of the repair team.

 

Well said! I completely agree. It's not up to you to fix their marriage. You are not responsible for it in any way. Your job is to take care of YOU.

[GreenEyedLady]

Are you asking ME? or is that a general question to all OWs waiting for their MMs to leave the wife? If you are asking me, rest assured, I broke up with the xOM when he divorced his wife and asked me to marry him...he still calls and the offer is still available.

 

I am not sure what you mean by OP "ignoring the obvious". She has conceded "defeat", she knows MM will not leave the wife...and she said that she will be gone soon (presumably from her MM's life, and in effect, from his marriage)....

 

Im curious, why is the "whole letter a crock"?...see, it is easy to throw words in when you do not have to explain or be responsible for it, care to explain?

 

The letter is basically self-delusion, that's why it's a crock. I would think that you could interpret that Tami, but apparently there are varying degrees of understanding out there.

 

The obvious here is that MM and the W are getting what they need out of their union. Is the OP? Umm, I think not. Otherwise she would have no need to make it so personal. I.E. the whole part about the premature grandchild.

 

As for her being gone soon, I think not on this as well. Is the OP going to end it? Not from the sound of her letter which basically goes from taunting the W to telling her she loves her? Sure....

 

Hope that clears it up for you, Tami. It wasn't about YOU at all.

 

OP, you really want to do better for yourself? Then get real. That doesn't mean accepting that your MM will never leave his W. That means accepting that the only person you can control here is you and be honest with yourself. Did it make you feel good to write this letter knowing if your MM's W read it, it would break her heart that someone she does not know hates her so much?

 

Your letter reeks of hatred. I even read self-hatred. No one would paint the picture you did unless you hate where you are and who you've become. That doesn't mean that you're bound to stay that way. It just means that you need to come up with an honest assessment for YOU. Not about your MM, not about his W, not about if you think he will ever leave or they will die a married couple together.

 

This is about YOU. What do you want out of life? What kind of R do you want? The W is not the problem here and neither is your MM. Decide what you want and don't settle.

 

I think MM leave alot of the time. But that doesn't tell you anything about your situation and it shouldn't be about him leaving or staying. It should be about your R. The fact that you make such digs in your letter tell me that you know you're not happy and you want to bring everyone down with you.

 

Focus on yourself. That's what you control. What you do, how you feel, how you cope and who you are. Own all your actions and thoughts. Reflect on them. And take one step at a time to get to a happier place. Lashing out, even in a letter that you would never send, is not going to make an impact in your life.

 

Do something that will build up, not tear down. Because even as you're tearing her down, you tear yourself down as well.

 

GEL

[Fallen Angel]

The letter is basically self-delusion, that's why it's a crock. I would think that you could interpret that Tami, but apparently there are varying degrees of understanding out there.

 

The obvious here is that MM and the W are getting what they need out of their union. Is the OP? Umm, I think not. Otherwise she would have no need to make it so personal. I.E. the whole part about the premature grandchild.

 

As for her being gone soon, I think not on this as well. Is the OP going to end it? Not from the sound of her letter which basically goes from taunting the W to telling her she loves her? Sure....

 

Hope that clears it up for you, Tami. It wasn't about YOU at all.

 

OP, you really want to do better for yourself? Then get real. That doesn't mean accepting that your MM will never leave his W. That means accepting that the only person you can control here is you and be honest with yourself. Did it make you feel good to write this letter knowing if your MM's W read it, it would break her heart that someone she does not know hates her so much?

 

Your letter reeks of hatred. I even read self-hatred. No one would paint the picture you did unless you hate where you are and who you've become. That doesn't mean that you're bound to stay that way. It just means that you need to come up with an honest assessment for YOU. Not about your MM, not about his W, not about if you think he will ever leave or they will die a married couple together.

 

This is about YOU. What do you want out of life? What kind of R do you want? The W is not the problem here and neither is your MM. Decide what you want and don't settle.

 

I think MM leave alot of the time. But that doesn't tell you anything about your situation and it shouldn't be about him leaving or staying. It should be about your R. The fact that you make such digs in your letter tell me that you know you're not happy and you want to bring everyone down with you.

 

Focus on yourself. That's what you control. What you do, how you feel, how you cope and who you are. Own all your actions and thoughts. Reflect on them. And take one step at a time to get to a happier place. Lashing out, even in a letter that you would never send, is not going to make an impact in your life.

 

Do something that will build up, not tear down. Because even as you're tearing her down, you tear yourself down as well.

 

GEL

 

 

You are right that I am not getting what I need. On that I agree with you completely, and I think I was very honest about that in my letter. I think you have taken what you want from my letter and made it into something hatefull, which was never my intention. I am sorry you see it as such. I chose to write it here as a way of seeing my own feelings in black and white, writing without thinking, running on pure emotion so that i can look back on it later and reflect on my feelings in a less emotional state of mind.

 

I am not trying to "tear her down" as you say. I do however hate where I am and what i have become and that I have allowed myself to be so damned selfish to meet my own needs. You can believe what you want about my honesty in admitting these things. Your opinion of me will not change my life. It is my opinion of myself that is important and I am working on that.

 

I posted this letter and "put it out there into the world" so that I do not just sit here and dwell on my own sorrow, but that I can finally get honest with myself about my feelings. I do not know any of you people here, and you do not know me, so here is a safe place for me to be honest, I have no reason to lie here. if I do not like what you say about or to me, I can simply close the page and never come back.

 

I am hoping though that a combination of my self-honesty and possibly some helpful words from people "outside" of the situation can help me be strong again. I have tried discussing the problem with friends, but they are too inside the whole thing with me to give unbiased advice.

 

That being said, I appreciate you taking the time to speak to me, and I will take what I need from what you say and try to utilize it in a healthy and constructive way. Thanks.

[Lucky_One]

Thanks for seeing the same thing I see, GEL.

 

She loves the wife? Bull. She loves her the way I love it when my dog brings fleas into the house. It's a testament to how wonderful she is, how powerless she was in the EMA (I couldn't make him do something that even a crack addict grandparent would do), how much more the MM loves her rather than his wife, how innocent she is in the EMA.

 

I was in an EMA, I understand what makes us want to love these men, I understand how hard it is to end. But to try to make yourself a real part of the equation - accept that you are equally as culpable in maintaining the affair, that you are making choices out of selfishness, and that selfishness doesn't equal loving the person whose life you are devastating by your cognizant and deliberate actions.

[tami-chan]

The letter is basically self-delusion, that's why it's a crock. I would think that you could interpret that Tami, but apparently there are varying degrees of understanding out there.

 

No, GEL, I did not interpret it as such. Why? because you and I are not coming from the same perspective. I was not an OW who demanded that my MM make an honest woman of me neither was I a BS who fought to keep my husband for myself.

 

The obvious here is that MM and the W are getting what they need out of their union.

 

This is not obvious to me. I am not sure how you arrived at this conclusion. Certainly, it is possible, many marriages are not economic partnerships or what not...

 

Otherwise she would have no need to make it so personal. I.E. the whole part about the premature grandchild.

 

Well, the OP felt the way she felt about the premature grandchild being born because most parents or love ones would want to be at hand when something liek this happens. Also, I think the wife wanted the H there, too, I believe she called...so in that way, the wife did NOT get what she wanted out of her husband...

 

As for her being gone soon, I think not on this as well. Is the OP going to end it? Not from the sound of her letter which basically goes from taunting the W to telling her she loves her? Sure....

 

I do not see her taunting the wife....and since I cannot tell what the future holds, if she said she wants to end the affair soon, then I will cautiously take her word for it, knowing full well that many times it is difficult to let go...if we are to support a fellow human being to do the "right thing", dismissing her is not the way to go about it....imo.

 

Hope that clears it up for you, Tami. It wasn't about YOU at all.

 

Oh good...sometimes it helps to not just throw words out there. Thanks for qualifying.

 

OP, for what it's worth. I do not think your letter "reeks of hatred"....but I do believe that people will read your letter from the perspective of their own experiences. I think your letter is filled with profound sadness and disappointment. I think you want to alleviate the guilt you feel by trying to "feel" for the W. Nothing wrong with that,many here would even ask you to put yourself in the wife's shoes! I think it is a necessary step towards "doing right for yourself". Trudge on to ending the relationship....along the way, hopefully you will realize and learn some truths about yourself....

[Devil Inside]

FallenAngel

 

I appreciate that you put that letter out there...you had to know you would get ripped to shreds.

 

I do believe that this is how you feel...today. However it makes sense that people would have a hard time believing it because your actions contradict what you wrote..and I agree there is some delusion at work...it is a self preserving defense.

 

However, I do believe that is how you feel. I think that sometimes we all forget that we may feel things that our actions do not back up...we all do this...maybe not when it comes to our marriages and relationships...but we all do this somewhere in our life. I think that gently pointing this pattern out to people helps more than hammering them for being malicious and evil people.

 

Angel...sorry for your pain. I can see you are tortured.

[Fallen Angel]

Devil Inside,

Thank You.

[whichwayisup]

I do believe that this is how you feel...today. However it makes sense that people would have a hard time believing it because your actions contradict what you wrote..and I agree there is some delusion at work...

 

I agree..

 

It's a personal venting letter, theraputic..

 

But, again, it's kind of meaningless UNLESS you actually DO end the affair.

 

Can I ask? How close you towards really ending it? Days, weeks or in afew months?

[Fallen Angel]

I agree..

 

It's a personal venting letter, theraputic..

 

But, again, it's kind of meaningless UNLESS you actually DO end the affair.

 

Can I ask? How close you towards really ending it? Days, weeks or in afew months?

 

 

I have ended the PA but I am having a much harder time letting go of the EA.

 

Okay, so here is my story, maybe it will help people understand me a little better. *shrugs* This man and I were "online friends" for many years, 6 to be exact.. STRICTLY FRIENDS.

I did not know then his maritial status, it wasn't important because there was nothing more than friendly conversation between us. Idle chit chat.

 

Then we lost contact for about two years. During that time my abusive marriage became unbearable and I was on the edge and ready to jump. The day I had decided to kill myself was the day that he instant messaged me again after 2 years. We spent the whole night talking. I never told him what my plans had been, but without knowing it, that night he saved me.

 

Over the next year, our friendship grew, and a love that I didn't plan on. I left my marriage. (NOT FOR HIM) And started a new life. But I found myself falling in love with this man. Our online chats became phone calls.

I never asked his maritial status, and he never offered. I guess maybe somewhere inside I knew there was someone, but I was also given free reign to call anytime day or night, and he always answered, so part of me believed he was free.

 

We talked about ALMOST everything, work, kids, love, life. he bacame my best friend, my support system. He just omitted the W from his stories.

 

I never said I loved him, even though that is what I felt. I was still reeling from the life changes i had made for myself. and then one day out of the blue he told me that he loved me. I was shocked. I guess I had really believed my xH when he had told me so many times that I wasn't worth loving. And yet here was someone who I loved very much proffessing thier love for me.

 

We were still not involved in a PA. Had never even met in person. But, he already had my heart. I know that sounds silly, that I could be in love with someone whose hand I had never even held, but it was true.

 

This went on for another few months. My heart getting further entangled with him. We met and our R became physical. Then the bombshell hit, I found out he is married. Too late for my heart i am afraid. I should have ended it there. I know this. But, I needed. I needed all the beautiful loving words. The tender touches. The "I love you" that I had been missing during my 15 yr M. And I continued in the A.

 

It has been going on for over a year now, and everytime he is gone i start feeling brave, like I can make it without him and let go and move on. Then he shows up and I cave in. I don't know how to turn off the love. While our R has been physical, it has always been much more about the emotional intimacy. We cuddle much more than we f**k. We talk much more than we kiss. We hold hands much more than we carress.

 

So now, here I am , a few weeks out of No More PA, and I find that that is the easy part. I have lost lovers before. I do not need a man to make me orgasm, that is something I can do for myself. My sense of such despair comes from losing my best friend. I don't know how.

 

I even find myself talking to him about the pain of losing him. HOW SICK IS THAT?

 

He stays in his marriage for whatever reasons. They are unimportant to me really, the important part to me is that he stays. I know this is not easy on him, because I think his feelings for me are as genuine as mine for him. But, I am angry with him because he doesn't have to go through it alone, and I do! I am angry at myself for not being able to be as strong as all these women on here seem to be. How do you do it? Where do you find the strength to not answer his calls? I want to be like that, but I am losing my bset friend, and it feels like dying.

[joybean72]

Hi FallenAngel,

 

I am one of the betrayed spouses and I although your letter may have been meant in good faith to you...I have to agree with many here, until YOU end things with him completely, it comes off as self serving and pointless at this point. I also guarantee that his wife is NOT okay with ANY of it. If you don't think that a wife feels ALL off what begins to lack in their marriage (Especially if she knows or suspects there are OW) you are surely mistaken....more times than not, we do know (& we do suspect "things aren't right."), & we do care...some even try and fix things within ourselves AND our marriages (Not all, but most!)...that is until we "wake up and smell the ****e colored roses." (Can I say that?) & sometimes, that takes A HELLUVA LOTTA time...that goes for both sides btw.

 

IMO, the man is gas lighting you BOTH...& if you don't know what that means, I suggest you Google. Do you love the wife?...No you don't. Does he love her...probably not either. Does he love you?...probably not either. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

 

(I have not read every response here, so I guess I'm just going on my own experience.)

 

I do hope things work out for you and you (and her) find someone worthy of you and what you have to give. & contrary to popular demand, a lot of BS's DO move on and realize we were not the right ones okay? It ends up the way it's suppose too.

[tami-chan]

Thanks for seeing the same thing I see, GEL.

 

She loves the wife? Bull. She loves her the way I love it when my dog brings fleas into the house. It's a testament to how wonderful she is, how powerless she was in the EMA (I couldn't make him do something that even a crack addict grandparent would do), how much more the MM loves her rather than his wife, how innocent she is in the EMA.

 

I was in an EMA, I understand what makes us want to love these men, I understand how hard it is to end. But to try to make yourself a real part of the equation - accept that you are equally as culpable in maintaining the affair, that you are making choices out of selfishness, and that selfishness doesn't equal loving the person whose life you are devastating by your cognizant and deliberate actions.

 

You may not be bitter...but basing on your posts on this thread, you seem so full of anger. Your emotions are very palpable from your posts. Why are you still angry? I don't need you to respond to this question, just that perhaps you can do some introspection and answer that to yourself.

[tami-chan]

I have ended the PA but I am having a much harder time letting go of the EA. .......but I am losing my bset friend, and it feels like dying.

 

FA, everything is a process. Don't beat yourself up too much. Set a goal...and your goal is to end this relationship because it is not enough for you, right? Focus. Allow yourself to experience the loss, it is ok to mourn it...but mourn it, you must...it is a rite of passage for saying goodbye. The key is not to stay in that quagmire of sorrow and pain. You said this too about yourself....so harness that energy into making yourself whole again. Many have done it and came out victorious in the end, so why not you?

[NoIDidn't]

The letter was definitely written for the OP, Fallen.

 

Too many details that hold the potential to hurt more than help.

 

And whether she knows it or not, the "we would be friends under different circumstances" line, NEVER plays well.

[tami-chan]

I agree..

 

It's a personal venting letter, theraputic..

 

But, again, it's kind of meaningless UNLESS you actually DO end the affair.

 

Can I ask? How close you towards really ending it? Days, weeks or in afew months?

 

 

Meaningless to whom?

[Fallen Angel]

Meaningless to whom?

 

Hi Tami,

 

Thank You for your kindness and open-mindedness.

 

I am kind of shocked by the treatment I am recieving from some of the people here. I thought this was a support forum for the OW/OM not a "beat people up to alleviate my own pain" forum for the BSs and Former now "holier than thou" OWs. (I have seen great posts by many former OWs, but some seem angrier than the BSs.)

 

You would think, by some of the lashing out that I was thier WSs OW.

 

I am here trying to make the right choices for a change, but perhaps if this is the kind of 'support" that is availale here, then this is the place for me to be to get support and heal. But, you and a few others have been very helpful and kind, and I wanted to thank you for that.

[fooled once]

Totally agree with GEL.

 

And I can promise you, you won't DIE when you end it. Life will go on.

 

Yeah it is hard to end it; can you image how his wife would feel having to end a marriage??? Having to end a relationship she has been in and a part of for many many years? I guarantee you, she will hurt more and lose more than you.

 

I guess I don't understand why women who aren't being treated as #1, who are 2nd choice, who are sharing a man -- how can it be hard to stand up for yourself and what you want in a relationship?

 

Yes, it will hurt but come on, you deserve better and you deserve to have a relationship where YOU are the main priority. Why is it so hard to stop something where you aren't that?

[Fallen Angel]

I am here trying to make the right choices for a change, but perhaps if this is the kind of 'support" that is availale here, then this is the place for me to be to get support and heal. But, you and a few others have been very helpful and kind, and I wanted to thank you for that.

 

 

 

I meant this to read " perhaps if this is the kind of 'support" that is availale here, then this is NOT the place for me to be to get support and heal"

[Sanafa]

Hi Tami,

 

Thank You for your kindness and open-mindedness.

 

I am kind of shocked by the treatment I am recieving from some of the people here. I thought this was a support forum for the OW/OM not a "beat people up to alleviate my own pain" forum for the BSs and Former now "holier than thou" OWs. (I have seen great posts by many former OWs, but some seem angrier than the BSs.)

 

You would think, by some of the lashing out that I was thier WSs OW.

 

I am here trying to make the right choices for a change, but perhaps if this is the kind of 'support" that is availale here, then this is the place for me to be to get support and heal. But, you and a few others have been very helpful and kind, and I wanted to thank you for that.

 

I haven't been around much as I have also gotten my fill of those who preach... however- very sorry that you are experiencing this.

 

If I have learned anything, it is to be true to yourself! You can take everything ( the good and the bad) said to you here and use it as different points of view and things to consider - but only you know what you need and each individual is different.

 

Writing was extremely therapeutic for me and remains a constant.... I have written several letters and have found that time does show change in thought and self growth and results in very different letters.

 

I won't tell you to shy away from LS... however if you are looking for support and understanding only ( I actually enjoyed the logical/fair difference of opinion that some offer) there are other forums more suited for you.

 

Whatever you decide, understand that you will have to decide what is best for you.... whatever that answer is.

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Meaningless to whom?

 

To her. It's great she's aware of his wife, has empathy, sympathy etc, and feels bad for taking time away from MM's wife, sees the damage it's caused all around.. But, unless she puts this into action, aka ending the affair completely, letting go of him, it's meaningless.