MrMayI Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 the book actually has tales of both men and women. it's the only one i bought in all of this that i still have. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 maybe I can work out a discount for you. That won't be necessary, I have no problem paying for quality merchandise! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 Well I have read the book about 20 times now. A bit obsessive I know but it has helped me so much. I have used different coloured highlighter's throughout!!! It has been hard to change my way of approaching this situation but the advice in the book all makes perfect sense to me. I work in a very stressful job dealing with people's problems so I am actually going to use some of the strategies for dealing with my job too. Have not called my husband at all, he called last night and I put my daughter on as soon as I saw who was calling. He then called back an hour later and I did not answer. This afternoon I was outside with my daughter and I came in and there were 3 missed calls and 2 text messages from him. I dialled and put my daughter on even though it was an hour before he normally calls. I told my daughter to let Daddy know I was a bit busy & would call him back later. He then called back an hour later, I answered and he spoke about financial stuff. I was friendly but just gave short answers and asked him no questions. He then asked me what I had been doing. I said 'Oh look sorry have to go, will get that financial thing done tomorrow, ok bye' and hung up. All up, maybe a 3 minute conversation. I think I did quite well. It is better when I don't talk to him as when he asks me what is happening & how I am, I get very upset. Now I am lonely but at least I am not crying. Thanks to everyone for their comments & support on my thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Son of Homer Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 you are already having an impact on him. You see he has been feeding on your feelings of despair and grief like a vampire. It nourishes him to know you are going crazy without him. It feed his ego and allows him to go on playing his game. Right now he is getting hungry for more of your pitiful emotions to build him up. Your job is to starve him. Don't give him even one morsal of grief or despair to feed off of. You are doing great! Just keep it up! Link to post Share on other sites
Logik Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) This is good advice. Though in my case, my STBXW seems like she's loving the lack of interest from me. She only contacts me when it's about the kids or the divorce. She does ask if I'm ok though and hopes that everything is well, but I don't answer that. She always keeps emails really formal, like signing off with "Kind regards" which is not part of her email signature, so she actually types it out. She seems to have lost every bit of soul she had and any feelings for me all together. Almost like we never shared a past. Reconciliation in my case will probably not happen because she's totally shutting me out. But it's NC, so I don't actually know what's going on in her mind. Saying that, I am moving along with my life and planning for a future without her. Sorry to threadjack, just needed to write this. Sometimes NC actually widens the gap. No gameplan left for me. Just acceptance. Edited October 26, 2009 by Logik Link to post Share on other sites
Son of Homer Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 I don't advocate no contact at all, just keep short, light and easy, no heavy conversations. Keeping the contact minimal will intrigue them and make them want more. You have to give them a glimmer of hope but that's all. Be the one who always has to go or hang up. I advised JaneDoe35 to not answer the phone for a while just to get his attention and to make a point. She should have short light conversations with him about fun stuff, no heavy duty divorce stuff and what about the money type of stuff. But the first period of not being available will get his attention and make him take more interest in her to find out what is going on with her. His jealousy tells a tale that he is not done with her and has not completely moved on. With someone who has moved on and doesn't care, they are not affected by the no contact. But then it doesn't matter in that case if it doesn't work because they're not coming back anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
lovely81 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 JD-- I really felt for you in your posts. Have you read Susan Miller's blog, Getting Past Your Past. It's really good. I just want to say like so many here, I've been through it, got out of it and there are better days ahead. Take it one day at a time. First there will be brief seconds when you'll forget (I found those mostly when eating take-out and watching tv) then minutes, then hours, then days. You'll make it! Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Share Posted October 27, 2009 JD-- I really felt for you in your posts. Have you read Susan Miller's blog, Getting Past Your Past. It's really good. I just want to say like so many here, I've been through it, got out of it and there are better days ahead. Take it one day at a time. First there will be brief seconds when you'll forget (I found those mostly when eating take-out and watching tv) then minutes, then hours, then days. You'll make it! Good luck. Thankyou Lovely for your kind words....I am so looking forward to better days. I guess I had everything I wanted in life and was always happy. Now after this I will always appreciate what I have much more as I know it can all be gone so quickly.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Share Posted October 27, 2009 This is good advice. Though in my case, my STBXW seems like she's loving the lack of interest from me. She only contacts me when it's about the kids or the divorce. She does ask if I'm ok though and hopes that everything is well, but I don't answer that. She always keeps emails really formal, like signing off with "Kind regards" which is not part of her email signature, so she actually types it out. She seems to have lost every bit of soul she had and any feelings for me all together. Almost like we never shared a past. Reconciliation in my case will probably not happen because she's totally shutting me out. But it's NC, so I don't actually know what's going on in her mind. Saying that, I am moving along with my life and planning for a future without her. Sorry to threadjack, just needed to write this. Sometimes NC actually widens the gap. No gameplan left for me. Just acceptance. I know what you mean Logik. I see my husband as sort of missing his soul...It is scary to watch him become this new person. I have also started planning for a future without him although I do not discuss this with him in any detail. Link to post Share on other sites
Son of Homer Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 you're doing great, just keep it up! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Share Posted October 27, 2009 Darrell, I know this may be a strange question but why does the person who has left seem to be without a soul? How can they become so cruel? Are they protecting themselves? I have still not contacted my husband. It was my daughter's actual birthday yesterday. It was difficult without him. I missed him but still had a good night. Thanks for checking in on me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Son of Homer Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 The only way he can live with himself is to build a shell around his true feelings so he feels no pain. Sorta like an infection developing into an abscess and building a wall around the infection. If he was confronted with his and your emotions it would be too painfull so he blocks them out. Sora like a child forgetting painful past experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 J is so focused on only himself (yes I respect his space to fall on his feet...well probably his face) ...Saturday he told me "you know that I haven't given you any money because I have been paying off the credit card"...uhh that work credit card was paid off the week that he moved out with a bonus...3 months and more than $3000 in debt with almost nothing to show for it... Darrell you can check out my situation too...I wouldn't mind your advice but I am listening to this thread to keep my head up. Jane...still keeping up with you girl Link to post Share on other sites
Son of Homer Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Haven't read about your situation. What is the bottom line so I don't have to read all the messages to catch up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Share Posted October 27, 2009 Thanks Darrell, that makes complete sense. He is one big, talking, walking infection right now!!! His shell will be tough to break. The waiter at the restaurant last night was very nice looking & friendly towards me (I know that is his job!!!). But he seemed sort of interested. I was dressed up to the nines and trying to make up for my husband not being there. As it has been almost 14 years since I have dated etc I don't even know if I am reading all the signs incorrectly!!!. I am almost tempted to go back again on the same night next week to see him again. Am I going crazy? Hey Ladybug, I am also having problems with my husband & money but I just don't bother saying anything anymore. I know that I cannot expect any rational behaviour from my husband while he is on this path to destruction..... Link to post Share on other sites
Son of Homer Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Hope you are keeping fit and working out or excercising every day and spending time in the outdoors and breathing lot's of fresh air. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) Basically been with J 12 years...1 "affair" that was a rape basically, 1 "affair" with ex boyfriend 3 years before we married that I reavealed everything to keep it all honest...3 years later helping my best friend and her family and J and her have an EA because their lives are "so horrible". J told me he was attracted to her, that he knew she was attracted to him for a long time, he moved out July...getting his own Condo Nov1st and so far has bought 3 boxes of diapers for his son...there is a lot between all of this but basically I have only 2 threads going and if you read the first post on "divorce with a child" and like my 3rd post on "Fights, Past, Separation, and a 2 yr old" they have the jest of it... Edited October 27, 2009 by Auroracoladybug oops Link to post Share on other sites
Son of Homer Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Bottom line is forget him or not, your choice but advice is the same. Start dating and act like you've forgotten him even though you haven't or you wouldn't be here. Your job is to start seeing others on whatever level you are comfortable with but just do it, even if it is only as friends. Get your mind off of him and put it on you and your friends and family. You need to de-emphasize his importance to you and when that happens, your pain will diminish. If Link to post Share on other sites
Son of Homer Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 I think you should definately go back. But don't set yourself up for a dissapointment if he doesn't come onto you. Just have an expectation of the sexual energy itself as the reward, not that it will develope into anything. The energy is what you want and it is beneficial in and of itself without it going anywhere. Live in the moment and not the future. Enjoy it. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 go back? Okay I will live in the moment and not the future... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Share Posted October 27, 2009 Hey Ladybug, he means I should go back to this restaurant I went to last night......but I feel that the advice given to me is pretty much what you should follow as I think it suits your situation too...except I think you are a better spot than me. My husband avoids me like the plague. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 I concure...go back to the restaurant...sorry my mind was somewhere not functioning Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Share Posted October 29, 2009 The Truth. You were broken. In an attempt to fix yourself, you brought me into your lie. A 13 year lie. Now I am broken too. Link to post Share on other sites
Son of Homer Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Something was broken, but it wasn't the real you. When you identify with an identity that was broken, you will be playing the part of the broken heroin. But when you get tried of playing the role of the broken heroin and decide to play another part, you will take on the spirit of your new role. What role will you choose, the role of a broken person or the role of a princess? It's entirely up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 1, 2009 Author Share Posted November 1, 2009 Something was broken, but it wasn't the real you. When you identify with an identity that was broken, you will be playing the part of the broken heroin. But when you get tried of playing the role of the broken heroin and decide to play another part, you will take on the spirit of your new role. What role will you choose, the role of a broken person or the role of a princess? It's entirely up to you. Hello Darrell, I needed this today - husband visited daughter & myself. Hard, long day - but he did stay longer than usual. Problem is that he recently broke down & told me that 'I think I have an illness' (mental illness), 'I don't like what I am finding out about myself' 'I have always felt like a black cloud was inside me', 'I tried to live the life that I wanted and thought was right' There was more that that and he looked so scared when telling me this. He was so upset. Still says he loves me more than anyone in the world. But just cant do this - marriage etc. Didn't show him but inside I was devastated. But on the other hand this was the first time in 2.5 months that I thought he was actually telling me the truth..... Should my approach remain the same? As in keep following your father's book? I feel a bit confused about what do do now....still have nothing to lose here. Thankyou for reading/listening...... Link to post Share on other sites
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