next?

[JaneDoe35]

thankyou greengoddess, I know I am all over the place right now. I hope you are not right. I do not want to believe that he is with her....but then again maybe it would be easier if he was as I would no longer be able to justify trying to salvage our marriage. It is all such a mess.

[soheartbroken]

Just wanted to say that I'm still following your thread and my heart breaks for you.

 

Knowing about an affair won't make it easier. But then not knowing for sure will drive you crazy. These situations are always lose-lose.

[soheartbroken]

As for analyzing every word...yes, everyone does that. I'm over two months now and still thinking about things she said in our last conversation. I can only hope that time will dull these memories.

[JaneDoe35]

Thanks soheartbroken. just got back from my counsellor (still cant believe I am in therapy!!!). Feel slightly better thank goodness. Very lonely though. Counsellor warning me that I am at this point very vulnerable to other men. I laughed and told her I can barely leave my house or car. So unless the mailman knocks on my door......I hope you are 'doing ok' today.

[ryepatch]

Thanks soheartbroken. just got back from my counsellor (still cant believe I am in therapy!!!). Feel slightly better thank goodness. Very lonely though. Counsellor warning me that I am at this point very vulnerable to other men. I laughed and told her I can barely leave my house or car. So unless the mailman knocks on my door......I hope you are 'doing ok' today.

 

well, hopefully you get a package you have to sign for soon!!!

 

it's good to be in therapy, keep going even if you have one unproductive session. sorry if i missed this, is this a therapist that's seen you and your husband, or just you?

[JaneDoe35]

Only I have been seeing her. She is my new best friend!!! He was seeing his own counsellor but cancelled his appointment yesterday. I was not sad about that as she was supporting him in the separation, which I know they have to do. But it made him really tough and I need him a little bit weaker...He says he is messed up in the head. Good, me too.....

[JaneDoe35]

Only I am seeing her, she is my new best friend!!! He started seeing his own counsellor but cancelled his appointment for yesterday. I was not unhappy about that as she was supporting him in the separation, which I know they have to do. He was very strong in his convictions after seeing her last time and I need him to be a bit weaker...he says he is messed up in the head. Good....me too

[JaneDoe35]

sorry for 2 posts, after the first one, it kicked me out....

[ryepatch]

Only I am seeing her, she is my new best friend!!! He started seeing his own counsellor but cancelled his appointment for yesterday. I was not unhappy about that as she was supporting him in the separation, which I know they have to do. He was very strong in his convictions after seeing her last time and I need him to be a bit weaker...he says he is messed up in the head. Good....me too

 

 

i hear you, i have two therapists right now, the one who was our marital counselor is so awesome!!! i feel like i get a rush of serotonin to my brain after talking to him. he's still trying to reach out to my wife, calls her and writes her letters now and then (she stopped responding). he says we are the most emotionally intertwined couple he's ever seen and thinks we only have minor problems in our marriage, and that my wife had a breakdown and is mentally about 15 yrs old right now and can't handle being married.

 

oops, sorry, that was about me!

 

back to you: i don't think any therapist necessarily has to support someone in the separation, they can certainly disagree and suggest that they consider other alternatives. although they risk getting fired, of course.

 

sorry, the pronouns are confusing: your husband says that he himself is messed up in the head, or his counselor says that?

 

so does your therapist think your marriage has a chance? what does she say about your husband and his affair?

 

what time is it there, anyway? it's one a.m. here.

[2.50 a gallon]

JD35

 

As for PMing, I think the magic number is 50, so you are getting close

[ryepatch]

PMing is whenever you're listed as an Established Member under your avatar. They take into account both number of posts and length of time on the boards. (see FAQ)

[JaneDoe35]

I dont want my therapy to end as I really like her...she will think I am a stalker when I am still seeing her after 5 years. I also feel way better after seeing her. Maybe she puts something in my water. Because of what your therapist says about your wife being like a 15 year old, I think she will come back one day.

 

My husband told me he was messed up in the head. My counsellor finds the situation I am in quite interesting. She doesn't think all hope is lost. But she realises that it is a real struggle for me as I am still holding out hope for our marriage to continue (or should that be start again from scratch) and I am feeling many conflicting emotions - jealousy, anger, fear, desperation, love etc etc.

 

It is 7:11pm here in Australia, Sydney side.

 

Thanks for the info on PMing 2.50

[JaneDoe35]

Last night was very difficult, lovely meal with friends and everyone acting so normal....I got angry later in the night and called the other woman, she said 'I don't know what you are talking about' and hung up on me.I did not yell or abuse her, just said 'I am ******* wife. Wish I had not have called her, wont do that again. But anyway cant turn back time. So very depressed today, feel like I am nothing. I feel like going to sleep and not waking up. I cant as I have my daughter. I know I have to get through this for her. But the pain is overwhelming. I dont see a better time on the horizon. The rejection is so hard to bear, the emotional rejection. No physical rejection. I just want this to be over. I love him too much and all this drama is crazy. Why cant I just wake up? He says we should continue with counselling (individual) and then get some joint counselling. He is trying to soften the blow, although that is not even possible. He says he loves me. I DO NOT WANT TO LOVE HIM ANYMORE. Please help me stop.

[ryepatch]

jane,

 

you can't stop loving him. it's not an either/or. someone said this somewhere on LS a few weeks ago, don't rememmber who: your love just has to evolve into a different kind of love. like when your daughter grows up and becomes an adult, your love for her will change and evolve. when you grew up and left home, your love for your parents changed and evolved.

 

the rejection is the worst part, i know. my wife said, "of course i love you. that's why this is so hard."

 

"i love you, but that doesn't mean i think we should be together."

 

hang on, let yourself love him, let yourself grieve. you're lucky that you have your daughter: you have somewhere to put your love.

 

he could come around, jane. we've got to try our best to be strong in case that happens. it seems impossible, they've left us shattered. but for whatever reason, they can't love us back right now. if we love them, we've got to take care of ourselves.

 

post as much as you want, as often as you want. we're listening, and we're pulling for you.

[JaneDoe35]

jane,

 

you can't stop loving him. it's not an either/or. someone said this somewhere on LS a few weeks ago, don't rememmber who: your love just has to evolve into a different kind of love. like when your daughter grows up and becomes an adult, your love for her will change and evolve. when you grew up and left home, your love for your parents changed and evolved.

 

the rejection is the worst part, i know. my wife said, "of course i love you. that's why this is so hard."

 

"i love you, but that doesn't mean i think we should be together."

 

hang on, let yourself love him, let yourself grieve. you're lucky that you have your daughter: you have somewhere to put your love.

 

he could come around, jane. we've got to try our best to be strong in case that happens. it seems impossible, they've left us shattered. but for whatever reason, they can't love us back right now. if we love them, we've got to take care of ourselves.

 

post as much as you want, as often as you want. we're listening, and we're pulling for you.

 

Thanks for putting that whole 'LOVE' bit into perspective......Surely I wont love him like this for my lifetime.....if we never reconcile I mean. It will have to change. Today was the worst day so far. I know that if I don't pick myself up a bit and take more care of myself I am going to fall over the edge...unless I am already there.

 

I am already a reasonably fit & healthy person but I have decided that starting tomorrow I am going to attempt to concentrate on my physical health. I cant do anything about my mental health right now, I am so far gone in that respect. I am going to exercise more, eat better, no wine or caffeine etc etc. I am going to read books for the rest of the time, books that wont upset me of course. I am going to limit any conversations with him to no more that 2 minutes. I am going to get some sun, my counsellor says to go outside without sunglasses on as the sun hitting your eyes improves mood. 7 days till D.Land, I need to find the strength to get through that week with my husband & daughter. I will do it for her. So that is my challenge for this coming week. I have no control anywhere else in my life but I can control my physical self.

 

I hope you are 'ok' ryepatch. I hope everyone is 'ok' this week. We should all just say 'NO, he/she will not ruin me' It would be great if this forum just closed down from lack of interest.......

[ryepatch]

the physical health stuff sounds great. . .it's springtime down there, right? i'm in arizona which is way too hot all summer, so the winter is the nice time of year. . . looking forward to cooler weather.

 

what happens in 7 days? sorry if i missed that. . .

 

yeah, LS should die from lack of interest. . . it's like that old slogan, what if they held a war and no one came?

[JaneDoe35]

the physical health stuff sounds great. . .it's springtime down there, right? i'm in arizona which is way too hot all summer, so the winter is the nice time of year. . . looking forward to cooler weather.

 

what happens in 7 days? sorry if i missed that. . .

 

yeah, LS should die from lack of interest. . . it's like that old slogan, what if they held a war and no one came?

 

 

Yes springtime here. The weather has been all over the place though and we had a crazy dust storm a couple of days ago. Most of NSW covered in dust from out west.

 

7 days till the Disneyland trip, booked & paid for months ago when things were 'normal'.

 

I want to get through this week and look in the mirror at the end of it and just see 'something/someone' Do you know what I mean?

[ryepatch]

Yes springtime here. The weather has been all over the place though and we had a crazy dust storm a couple of days ago. Most of NSW covered in dust from out west.

 

7 days till the Disneyland trip, booked & paid for months ago when things were 'normal'.

 

I want to get through this week and look in the mirror at the end of it and just see 'something/someone' Do you know what I mean?

 

 

yes, i think i do.

 

so what did you decide, is he definitely going with you? are you sharing a room?

 

(i thought D-land was divorce-land. got confused, then remembered about your trip.)

 

Disneyland in California, right? there's not one down there, is there?

 

i was at Disneyworld in florida back in high school on a trip. never a big fan of disney, but i'll bet your daughter'll love it. how old is she?

 

ok, going to bed now.

[hopesndreams]

Go on the trip. Have fun. Your daughter will absolutely love it and she is all that matters at this point. When you get back home, tell the H to f off. You want H back in your loving arms and not the OW's? Nothing else will work to produce that desired effect. If you do get him back, start detaching, there will never be trust ever again, it has been destroyed. Turn the tables on him.

 

Why prolong the pain and agony? He's already gone Jane. Sorry.

[JaneDoe35]

Yes we are going to disneyland in california. I am crying as I type today as we argued this morning over the phone.

 

He didn't call our daughter last night and it made me so sad and then angry. He says he is not going to disneyland anymore. I threatened to tell the other womans husband. He said some mean things too.

 

He said that I should just understand as I broke up with someone to be with him 13.5 years ago. I got so angry as this was a boyfriend, not married, no kids, only together a couple of years and I ended it with him before I started with my husband.

 

One day he tells my mum he will try and then the next he changes his tune. I feel so sad & lonely. I cant even be a good mum to my little girl as I am so shattered. It is so difficult to see your partner disappear. It is like he is dead but the ghost remains.

 

I feel like I cant live because of this pain. I sound so pathetic. I really cant see the other side of this. I want this part to be over. I dont want to live this way.

[JaneDoe35]

hopesndreams.....you are right, he is gone. When will I be able to let go?

[hopesndreams]

You let go when there is no other alternative. What choice do you have? It's like a death, it's final and there is no raising it from the dead. Your thoughts will only be on him because you love him. He will consume your thoughts day in, day out for months. I am in my 7th month since knowing of his affair. I am in the 5th month of being on my own, without him. In May thru to the end of July, he had taunted me with the hope of getting back together. It didn't happen. I lost him twice.

 

If I had known what I do now, it would have been best to have never seen his lying, cheating face ever again after Dday. I would be completely healed now. Instead, only half way there, still have a ways to go and the struggle to find me again gets desperate at times and I dread to think there is no end to the pain. The only thing keeping me afloat is my strong belief in God and knowing there will be better days ahead. I do have days of exhilaration and being proud of my independence and when those days happen, it is truly a blessing. One day he will be but a distant memory and I will live just in the present and looking forward to the future. You will too. Believe it.

[JaneDoe35]

hopesndreams...I am so scared of this amount of pain. I cannot possibly feel like this for months. How will I work or take care of my daughter? I feel so ugly and unwanted now. I feel I must have an awful soul if he can just walk away from me.

 

How are you hopesndreams?

[greengoddess]

You are not ugly and unwanted and your daughter needs you to be strong right now. Please tell the ow's husband. Don't you wish someone had told you before it got too serious. Tell him.

 

You have to be strong. Your husband needs to see you can and WILL move on. He needs to see he is losing his family. Right now he has lost nothing. He still has you willing to go on a family vacation with him while he praces around with an ow. Have his ticket transferred to your moms name and take your mom to Disneyland. Do not allow this man to have both you and her. You are worth more than that. Tell him you're done. He left you can not play happy family and go on a vacation. Make him comehome and tell your daughter together. You need to do this to either save your marriage or know it's over and move on. You can't remain in limbo it's too painful. Make him face your daughter and tell her daddy isn't going to live with mommy any more. Tell her as a united front and that you will still love her.

 

Tell this woman's husband too. Blow the fantasy away and let them see reality.

[hopesndreams]

Your self-esteem has taken a kickin' but it will build itself up again. It will. It has to. When it comes right down to it, you love and value yourself more than love and value someone that has punched you in the stomach, that is what it feels like and the ache from it will subside, in time.

 

It's one thing for a M to end without infidelity and quite another when there is. You have nothing to feel shame about. It was his choice to take the cowards way out and set himself up with another before leaving you. The fact that she is married is a boost to his ego but also shows he has little self-esteem. He is at the point now where he "needs" to keep both of you because he is waiting on the MOW to destroy her family, for him. When that day happens it will be bye bye to you. His happiness overrides anyone else, including that of his own daughter.

 

The best advice to you is to take charge of the situation. Take control away from him. He needs to experience a bit of the pain and hurt as well. Don't make it easy on him because if you do, you will live to regret it and it will push your self-esteem down further. Now is the time to start building it up.

 

The most difficult thing to do now is to tell the H of his OW. This is a crucial step for you to take. Her H needs to know what and who the enemy is because there is no doubt, his M is floundering also. For all you know, he may know already, or suspect. By telling him, you are giving him the chance to fight and save his M before it's destroyed or for him to move on without her. That would be his choice either way. Give him that choice. It will help you tremendously in the long run whichever way this plays out.