next?

[JaneDoe35]

So scared but here goes. I discovered that my husband of 10 years (13 years together) was cheating with a co-worker, 10 years younger than me and also married. Mainly an emotional affair with a few kisses. After I made the discovery he decided our marriage was over. He ran. I wanted to try and work things out as I believe that we both made mistakes. I took our love for granted at times. He is adamant it is over. He had been unhappy for some time. He has still been using me for emotional support and intimacy. I advised him yesterday that I can longer be that woman to him. Lots of mixed signals. This happened a month ago. I am falling apart as I did not see this coming. I knew we had problems as he works away all week but I did not expect this. He says he loves me. We have a lovely daughter who does not know yet as I am loathe to break her heart. I have a wonderful support network so I am very lucky in that respect. He does not seem to appreciate that I am in shock and devastated by this as he had already left the marriage in his head. I want him to be happy but I am so hurt that he is not willing to attempt to save our marriage. I am having individual counselling as is he. He has agreed to go to joint couselling but only so I can understand that it is over. A few years ago he survived a life threatening illness and I think since then he has changed (understandably). The pain is so great that I am embarressed that I am having difficulty coping. I am trying to put on a 'brave face' for my daughter, but I am pertrified.

[JaneDoe35]

I guess I want to let him go but am finding it impossible....

[singledad2]

Hi, I'm no expert like alot of experienced folks here, but I will throw my recent experience 2 cents in.

 

Okay, this is going to sound a little business like, but I had some guys mentoring me on the practical side even though there is an emotional part that is going to cloud things up. You need to protect yourself and your daughter. Lawyer up! Record phone calls, be the first to file so you can control the timeline. Make sure you and the daughter are taken care of. It may seem amicable now, but it can get nasty so you should be prepared to get what is fair for you. Make a checklist and start getting busy taking care of all your property, funds, and proof of improper marital conduct. The checklist will keep you moving forward and getting things done does wonders for self-esteem.

 

You will need to decide what you want. Is there a chance for reconciliation before its too late? Maybe the counseling session he agrees to go to will let him get some things out on the table. Don't do what I did which was try to refute stuff. Just pushes him farther away. Just say "sorry you feel that way" and let him get it out.

 

The "instruction book" is very clear about whether to break this covenant, and I don't know where you stand with all that, but your beliefs come in to play too. I am a believer that there is only one reason that justifies the dissolution. I had my wife in a counseling session and she went just to check it off the list and wanted to file for divorce immediately after we left there. It sounds like you are working on yourself and the next relationship you have will be better from this.

 

Could you forgive and forget if you reconciled? If not, you will move though this faster and the healing will begin for you and you daughter once you can decide to move on. I am sure it will be his loss, but right now you need to take care of your own journey and continue to take care of that daughter, the most important thing in this whole equation. What he doesn't have correct is his pecking order: The man upstairs, You and your daughter, and then himself. If that was the case he would be working this stuff out. Your pecking order right now needs to be the man upstairs, your daughter and then yourself. The rest will take care of itself if you keep it that way.

[hopesndreams]

I discovered that my husband of 10 years (13 years together) was cheating with a co-worker, 10 years younger than me and also married. Mainly an emotional affair with a few kisses.

 

Same thing happened to me but don't take his word for it that it was just a few kisses. Cheaters lie their a** off and deny, deny, deny. If the MW is still in his life then you stand no chance in h*ll of saving the M.

 

You must let go, it's the only thing that will save you. The man you knew, is gone. Save your dignity and do a complete turnaround. Tell him you love him and want to stay with him and make sure he understands that. Next thing you do is limited contact. Start living your life for you, improve yourself in the areas you feel need improving and concern yourself with just you and your daughter. He will miss you then. Do not be emotionally available to him and keep conversations brief. He will wonder about you. The thing is to get his interest by getting on with your life and showing him you will move on with or without him.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you and if your H does come around the MW has to be out of the picture. Otherwise, you suffer and then are made to be in competition with her which will cause you unbearable pain. If that scenario plays out, get a lawyer and a divorce straight away, no ifs, ands, or buts.

[JaneDoe35]

I cried when I began reading the replies to my post. I felt understood again, as although I have so much support, it is not the same as communicating with people who have been there or are still there. I have never felt so alone as I have in the last month. I have never wanted to take my own life but I have wondered how I actually wake up some mornings. I want to accept what is happening but I am in shock as are my friends and family.

 

Singledad2 - thankyou very much for your reply, I will read more of your experience. In Australia I think the whole divorce thing is a little different, as far as cheating having an impact etc, although I have not yet got any legal advice. Maybe I am trying to avoid that so I can be in denial a bit longer. Your pecking order comments were so true, seeing that on the computer screen made me feel slightly better as I realise I should not be so surprised by his actions. What more can I expect? In some ways I feel pity for him as I know he is lost but I can't take care of him anymore. If this is the life he wants then he needs to live it.

 

I believe that I could forgive as I can take responsibility for my part in this but maybe I am saying that out of desperation....

 

Hopesndreams - Thanks so much for taking time to reply. Yes I guess I should not believe anything he says, he has been lying to me for 4 months, that I know of. It feels like a bad dream. It is our 10th wedding anniversary on Thursday. I am truly beaten. I don't want to be a victim but I find it hard to be strong. I feel I have failed our daughter by not being able to salvage this marriage. You are right when you say I need to let go, we have never separated before and I just cant get my head around it.

 

Thankyou again.

[soheartbroken]

First of all, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. These first few months are hell, and I understand a lot of what you're feeling.

 

Second, you did not fail your daughter, your husband did (this may not sink in yet but you should hear it).

 

Third, do NOT be embarrassed that you are having difficulty coping. EVERYONE on this forum is having/has had difficulty coping. Drinking, suicidal thoughts, rebounding, begging, crying, depression, moping, stalking, rage, etc. All par for the course. That's why the forum exists. Read other people's threads (MrMayI, Lupa, Tojaz, LisaUK, Ryepatch, Broken Hearted, Auroracoladybug etc.) But I know how you feel because I'm also ashamed for taking time away from law school to deal with my situation (and it's not a divorce).

 

The fact that you're posting here means that you're ready to start your healing journey. I've noticed that most people start posting about a month or so in, after the shock starts to wear off. You can put on a brave face for your daughter but you can share you fears here. Post when you need to; I'll be listening.

[soheartbroken]

PWSX3 has a good success story. Singledad2 and Floridapad are in the beginning stages, so also good threads.

[JaneDoe35]

Thankyou soheartbroken....I am trying to live one day at a time, no make that one hour at a time. I need to accept that this is actually happening. I know this must be my life but I am perplexed and I often hear my husband say the words and it takes time for them to sink in as I think I must be hearing things. I really appreciate your kind words, especially about how I have not let my daughter down, she is eight and I would do anything to protect her. I actually wish I had never discovered the evidence of the affair at this point in time. I know that would be living a lie....but our little family was so close...perhaps it was all a lie. Confusing.

[Auroracoladybug]

Jane I think that you know living that lie was just that living a lie and not fair to you or your daughter. I was the cheater before I married my husband and screwed things up some but thought we had gotten past things to get married and have a son...then he felt connected with my best friend and I tried to point out the emotional affair...everything from then on was my fault $, cleaning, food, anything he could latch onto to make me feel at fault...

 

IN NO WAY DID YOU LET YOUR DAUGHTER DOWN!!! she is old enough that she would have sensed something wrong with dad first anyway and then hold it in not to tell you so this is good that you are facing all of this. He ran now you can not be his crutch so turn all your focus to you and your girl...then all he gets is the slippery slope and will have to work really hard to get any attention or caring from you (if ever)

[soheartbroken]

My heart is breaking for you. I know there is nothing that I can say right now to make you feel better. You'll just have to wait for the shock and denial to subside a bit.

 

If you're into books, I would recommend "Journey from Abandonment to Healing".

[lupa]

I am amazed and saddened how often this story happens in our world. I grew up with this idealized version of what marriage was to be...that the vows mean something. I guess not everybody feels the same way, and every time I read something like this, my heart breaks all over again.

 

Keep coming here for support, and listen to the advice. There is a wealth of hard-earned knowledge here, and everyone who has been through feels your pain like you cannot possibly understand at the moment.

 

Be strong, read up, and know we are here if you need us.

 

as for you, find info on the relationship 180 (anyone have a link?) and start implementing it ASAP. It will save your sanity, which is the important part. From there is may be possible to save your marriage, but those percentages are slim. You are fighting for two people now...your daughter and you. Everything else is superfluous.

[JaneDoe35]

I want this all to stop, I don't want to do this. It is our 10th wedding anniversary tomorrow. This is way too much for me to handle. Saw my counsellor today and she told me that a nervous breakdown is a choice and that I must not let him push me towards one. I told him I was not giving up. He seems annoyed at me for that. I told him I had no idea that this was coming. He told me he did not want to continue with our marriage only when I confronted him with evidence of his cheating. I am 34 years old and I feel like a lost child. I cant fix this and I feel a complete loss of any control over my life. Will my destiny be shaped by this? People keep telling me I am beautiful and intelligent...why do I feel like a nobody? Why cant I see him for who he is now and let him go? I cant make him change his mind. He has a right to be happy. I have not taken revenge. I have not bad-mouthed him to anyone. Because I don't want to hurt him....

[JaneDoe35]

Thanks to all you wonderful people for posting in reply to my messages.......

[confused71]

I want this all to stop, I don't want to do this. It is our 10th wedding anniversary tomorrow. This is way too much for me to handle. Saw my counsellor today and she told me that a nervous breakdown is a choice and that I must not let him push me towards one. I told him I was not giving up. He seems annoyed at me for that. I told him I had no idea that this was coming. He told me he did not want to continue with our marriage only when I confronted him with evidence of his cheating. I am 34 years old and I feel like a lost child. I cant fix this and I feel a complete loss of any control over my life. Will my destiny be shaped by this? People keep telling me I am beautiful and intelligent...why do I feel like a nobody? Why cant I see him for who he is now and let him go? I cant make him change his mind. He has a right to be happy. I have not taken revenge. I have not bad-mouthed him to anyone. Because I don't want to hurt him....

 

Hi Jane,

I am very sorry for what you are going through.I have just come out the end of a similar situation and signed divorce papers today.

 

Dont do what I did and ignore peoples advice on here.No amount of being nice to him will work,in fact I found it had the opposite effect with my stbxw.

 

My advice would be to do the 180 thing(there should be a thread somewhere about it on here) and go no contact.This will not only have your hubby having second thoughts wondering if he will completely lose you,but it will also put you in a better position if it doesnt work out.Trust me ,every contact you have with him will put you back to square one and will make you feel terrible.

Send him one final note or email saying you will not have anything to do with him unless he completely cuts of from the other women,and leave it at that and get on with your life.

 

I wish you the best.Its a hard journey .

[ryepatch]

i'm a little confused. . . are you still living together? sorry if i missed that.

[JaneDoe35]

In regards to living arrangements, he would normally spend 4 days working approx 2.5 hours away and return for 3 days at a time before this happened. So now he rarely returns home to us. States he and the married girl he had affair with have cooled it as they know they were both stupid and it was a mistake...but who knows if that is true. I am not sure of much anymore. Thanks for asking, I have read lots about your story. People described us as the perfect couple/family and those that know are in complete shock. Just shows you never can truly know someone or maybe in my case that I took him for granted...I just dont know.

[ryepatch]

what i realized after my wife left is not that i took her for granted, but that i took our relationship for granted. i thought even if we hit a rough patch, we'd be fine, since we were so perfect together. i just went through my 8th anniversary with no contact from her. it was hell. try to go out to dinner with a friend if you can, stay on the phone, try not to be alone. and don't expect to hear from him and get disappointed, it's better not to expect it.

 

you keep on stating that your husband doesn't want to work on the marriage only since you found out about his affair. could it be just that he doesn't think you would ever forgive him?

 

has he threatened divorce specifically?

 

is it possible that him being away so much is a big part of the problem? would it be possible for you all to move closer to where he works?

 

he says he still loves you, right?

 

is your sex life ok? (sorry to ask, just trying to figure out what he perceives as the problem.)

 

he admitted that his affair was a mistake. . . it sounds like he's not being totally intransigent, he might be willing to work on things. try to keep on going to MC, even if you two have different purposes in going.

 

do you have a good sense of why he doesn't want to work on the marriage?

 

i know this doesn't seem like reality. i've been struggling with that myself, and what i've figured out is, it both is and it isn't.

 

there's the "brutal reality" that your husband wants out of your marriage.

 

there's also an underlying reality where the two of you are perfect together and in love and meant to be together.

 

the two realities are just competing, that's all.

 

if the reasons he wants out can be addressed, the underlying reality will shine through.

 

hopefully he will have the strength and clarity to identify the problems so they can be addressed. my problem is, my wife isn't currently capable of doing that, and so she's run away from her problems.

 

gather your strength. you'll need it.

 

i'll bet your marriage can be saved, but you've got to do things differently. make the most of any contact you do have with him. resist the temptation to waste your breath or vent your feelings at him right now. that's what this board is for.

 

i wish i had realized that right away, instead of waiting til after my wife stopped talking to me to come on here.

[JaneDoe35]

what i realized after my wife left is not that i took her for granted, but that i took our relationship for granted. i thought even if we hit a rough patch, we'd be fine, since we were so perfect together. i just went through my 8th anniversary with no contact from her. it was hell. try to go out to dinner with a friend if you can, stay on the phone, try not to be alone. and don't expect to hear from him and get disappointed, it's better not to expect it.

 

you keep on stating that your husband doesn't want to work on the marriage only since you found out about his affair. could it be just that he doesn't think you would ever forgive him?

 

has he threatened divorce specifically?

 

is it possible that him being away so much is a big part of the problem? would it be possible for you all to move closer to where he works?

 

he says he still loves you, right?

 

is your sex life ok? (sorry to ask, just trying to figure out what he perceives as the problem.)

 

he admitted that his affair was a mistake. . . it sounds like he's not being totally intransigent, he might be willing to work on things. try to keep on going to MC, even if you two have different purposes in going.

 

do you have a good sense of why he doesn't want to work on the marriage?

 

i know this doesn't seem like reality. i've been struggling with that myself, and what i've figured out is, it both is and it isn't.

 

there's the "brutal reality" that your husband wants out of your marriage.

 

there's also an underlying reality where the two of you are perfect together and in love and meant to be together.

 

the two realities are just competing, that's all.

 

if the reasons he wants out can be addressed, the underlying reality will shine through.

 

hopefully he will have the strength and clarity to identify the problems so they can be addressed. my problem is, my wife isn't currently capable of doing that, and so she's run away from her problems.

 

gather your strength. you'll need it.

 

i'll bet your marriage can be saved, but you've got to do things differently. make the most of any contact you do have with him. resist the temptation to waste your breath or vent your feelings at him right now. that's what this board is for.

 

i wish i had realized that right away, instead of waiting til after my wife stopped talking to me to come on here.

 

Thanks ryepatch.....I cannot say how much I appreciate your response...

 

The anniversary thing must have been very difficult for you. What did you do? I am dreading tomorrow even though I know that it will be over in 24 hours!!! Just scared it will be worse than this last 4.5 weeks if that is possible.

 

Sex life I would describe as above average, that's funny to write that to the world. Never complained, always stated the best ever etc etc.

 

I think he knows I would forgive him.....would I??? Yes I would just get heaps of therapy and move on. I dont like the feeling of bitterness that not forgiving gives you.

 

Distance is a big problem but I didn't think enough to end the marriage, had caused problems but I always thought we would work it out and stay together. He is an ambitious person but I have been stubborn in this regard. This is where I have made mistakes. I know this. But I don't think this can be the reason.....although it has not helped. I am prepared to relocate, just wish I had of been sooner. If he had of told me where he was at, I would have taken action.

 

Says he loves me but how can that be? I don't have a good sense of why he wants to end marriage. I think it is because he had already left in his mind, thats sort of what he said. But his actions did not really give me that impression. He said he didn't think I loved him anymore as I did not give him enough support in his career desires after his illness.

 

You said your wife has run away from her problems, I think my husband is doing the same....he has been suffering from depression....maybe that has been his guilt though. If only I knew the answers. I feel he wants me to just be civil and get on with life. But I am in shock.....that is where the conflicting realities that you were writing about are messing with my mind. I honestly do not know this person and keep hoping that the real man will return.

 

Thanks ryepatch....

[floridapad]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said his life threatening illness probably changed his perspective in life. He may have gone into a midlife crisis type of state. (True MLC who knows). But having said that, I'm sure he still does love you but the romance excitement, passion of the relationship is not there the way he needs. But honestly with what he went through I don't think ANY person he was with in an LT relationship would fulfill that need, which is why he was looking elsewhere. It really is not about you it is about him and I hope you understand how important that is for your healing. It really isn't about you. So what is the solution. I'm no shrink but I would read up on MLC, read a book called the "divorce remedy" and start doing the 180's. STOP trying to "overtly" fix the marriage and be more "covert" about it. The more you try to overtly change the marriage with him, the more he will run. He is in running mode. In order to make him slow down you must stop pushing him to the marriage and telling him how much you love him, even though it is hard not to. Right now your actions speak louder than words. Words will only serve to push him away. You are in for a long journey if you want to save the marriage( which is going to be very difficult) but most importantly if you want to save yourself. Your counselor is SO right. A nervous breakdown is a choice. Sounds a little weird I know, afterall who wants to make a choice to have a nervous breakdown right. It's a very bad bad thing. The choice she may referring to is to AVOID doing the things that make you focus on all the pain of losing someone you love and your marriage. Don't give up it ain't over until the fat lady sings. But first and foremost, YOU have to get your proverbial sh$it together. The ONLY way to save yourself and a marriage when one person wants out is to work on yourself. It's the ONLY way. Go to divorcebusters.com and read up. I know your processing so much right now and the pain is horrible, its so new and you are feeling exactly what you are supposed to be feeling so accept it, let it out and start working on yourself. Lawyer up as well. But make sure you look at the bank accounts so he is not clearing them out. I know the business side of things is something difficult to get your hands around in the state your in but you MUST protect YOURSELF first and then you can think about the marriage and please remember, if you want to make the marriage work my two cent advice would be to stop trying to "pull" him towards the marriage and try to get yourself back. Give him ALL the space he needs so he stops running and work on yourself. His illness probably created a sense of "life is too short" attitude. He needs to explore this side and it is his journey to explore. Your journey is to protect yourself and stop focusing on the marriage. It is no longer a marriage in his eyes so the only thing you can do to save the marriage is to get yourself back, stop pressuring him and do a complete 180 (google divorce busters 180). Definately contact a lawyer and try to contain the hurt and anger around him. It will only serve to push him further away. I wish you luck.

[JaneDoe35]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said his life threatening illness probably changed his perspective in life. He may have gone into a midlife crisis type of state. (True MLC who knows). But having said that, I'm sure he still does love you but the romance excitement, passion of the relationship is not there the way he needs. But honestly with what he went through I don't think ANY person he was with in an LT relationship would fulfill that need, which is why he was looking elsewhere. It really is not about you it is about him and I hope you understand how important that is for your healing. It really isn't about you. So what is the solution. I'm no shrink but I would read up on MLC, read a book called the "divorce remedy" and start doing the 180's. STOP trying to "overtly" fix the marriage and be more "covert" about it. The more you try to overtly change the marriage with him, the more he will run. He is in running mode. In order to make him slow down you must stop pushing him to the marriage and telling him how much you love him, even though it is hard not to. Right now your actions speak louder than words. Words will only serve to push him away. You are in for a long journey if you want to save the marriage( which is going to be very difficult) but most importantly if you want to save yourself. Your counselor is SO right. A nervous breakdown is a choice. Sounds a little weird I know, afterall who wants to make a choice to have a nervous breakdown right. It's a very bad bad thing. The choice she may referring to is to AVOID doing the things that make you focus on all the pain of losing someone you love and your marriage. Don't give up it ain't over until the fat lady sings. But first and foremost, YOU have to get your proverbial sh$it together. The ONLY way to save yourself and a marriage when one person wants out is to work on yourself. It's the ONLY way. Go to divorcebusters.com and read up. I know your processing so much right now and the pain is horrible, its so new and you are feeling exactly what you are supposed to be feeling so accept it, let it out and start working on yourself. Lawyer up as well. But make sure you look at the bank accounts so he is not clearing them out. I know the business side of things is something difficult to get your hands around in the state your in but you MUST protect YOURSELF first and then you can think about the marriage and please remember, if you want to make the marriage work my two cent advice would be to stop trying to "pull" him towards the marriage and try to get yourself back. Give him ALL the space he needs so he stops running and work on yourself. His illness probably created a sense of "life is too short" attitude. He needs to explore this side and it is his journey to explore. Your journey is to protect yourself and stop focusing on the marriage. It is no longer a marriage in his eyes so the only thing you can do to save the marriage is to get yourself back, stop pressuring him and do a complete 180 (google divorce busters 180). Definately contact a lawyer and try to contain the hurt and anger around him. It will only serve to push him further away. I wish you luck.

 

Floridapad, thanks for your reponse...amazing!!! How is it that all the people who have responded to me are able to give such great support & advice when they are also in so much pain? I hope I can be helpful to someone one day....right now when I read a post and try and help I cant seem to think of anything to write. This is strange for me as in my work I help people with problems (personal & financial) all day. The posters who have suggested that 180 thingy are so right and I know that is what I have to do. It just seems so hard to put into practice. I am having trouble letting go. I am usually a very rational person. A problem arises and I fix it. I usually try and prevent problems from even happening. But I did not see this one coming. My counsellor is amazing, although as I have never had one before I have noone to compare her to!! Ok people...180 it is, for myself & my daughter (and hopefully my marriage). It certainly wont hurt.

 

Also just wanted to say that I am shocked that so many people are going through this sort of thing. It makes me think I will never love or trust again, that would be a shame as I love love. But right now it just seems so crazy. I know I could 'live' without him but I want us back so badly. But he is gone.

[hopesndreams]

I told him I was not giving up. He seems annoyed at me for that. I told him I had no idea that this was coming. He told me he did not want to continue with our marriage only when I confronted him with evidence of his cheating. I am 34 years old and I feel like a lost child. I cant fix this and I feel a complete loss of any control over my life. Will my destiny be shaped by this? People keep telling me I am beautiful and intelligent...why do I feel like a nobody? Why cant I see him for who he is now and let him go? I cant make him change his mind. He has a right to be happy. I have not taken revenge. I have not bad-mouthed him to anyone. Because I don't want to hurt him....

 

YOU have the right to be happy. Hanging on to someone that wants out will only make his feelings of resentment toward you grow stronger and drive him closer to his MOW. Do not tell him you want to fix anything!

 

He says things have cooled with his MOW only to protect her because she is still married. Do you know who the H of this woman is? If you do, give him a call, let him know what his W and your H are up to. He deserves to know. You need to act now, this is not the time to be wishy washy, he says he wants out and will not work on the M so expose their secret affair. Once it is no longer secret, it will lose it's excitement and that would give you a chance of getting her out of the picture in order for your H to snap out of it and realize what he is throwing away with this foolishness and selfishness.

 

Also, when he comes over to the house next time, have his things packed. Tell him to find someplace else to stay. Show him what a strong woman you are and that you won't put up with any bull. Show him you are not weak. Now is the time to be tough, otherwise, he will be gone for good when he and MOW are ready. Don't let him toss you aside like garbage.

 

Respect yourself first and foremost and keep in mind, the betrayal of trust will have an impact so strong that no amount of forgiveness will ever bring it back. YOU deserve better.

[floridapad]

"I told him I was not giving up. He seems annoyed at me for that."

 

Ouch! Mistake. Don't be discouraged though. Do a 180 and DON'T talk about the marriage. Learn from this. He seemed annoyed because he probably was. Doing the 180's means finding out what works and what doesn't. Please look up the list of 180's and follow them like the bible. Living day by day is great but if you don't have a road map living day by day doesn't mean a hill of beans. My wife who is in MLC, cheated on me and asked for a seperation says the same thing all the time "I'm taking it day by day" but she has no real plan on her own healing, no focus, and is taking it one day at a time. I hear from her friends that she often spends all day in bed (which is not her). Doesn't seem to work well for her if you catch my drift. Taking it day by day without a real plan for healing is like a sail boat in the wind without the sails tied down. You can float day by day but when you don't plan to tie the sails down you will just let the current take you wherever it wants and you will just........float. Also the plan you come up with now will definately change as you go through the process. What you want now will change a month from now as you tweak your plan.

Make sure in the day by day thing you allow yourself to feel the pain and anger and the range of emotions. It is necessary in your healing. BTW. I haven't heard ANY anger from you. So focused on HIS happiness. That sounds very nobel of you. Sorry if this sounds a bit matter of fact but it seems so unreal. Perhaps you are too focused on his well being and not enough on your own. Remember, the ONLY way to save a marriage when one person doesn't want it is to save yourself first.

 

Also, I wouldn't believe him about the OMW. My wife said the same thing only to find out she was still seeing him. He is probably saying it to get you off his back or to prevent you from telling the OW's husband. But that shouldn't prevent you from taking care of yourself and your child and making a plan for healing.

[2sure]

Look, infidelity does not mean the end of the world. And as you seem to know, does not have to be a deal breaker. Its possible the infidelity was just a manifestation of the distance in the marriage - both emotionally and physically.

 

Just because as you said : In his mind, the marriage is already over...doesnt mean a thing. Not yet. Because a marriage being over in his mind is NOTHING like a marriage being over in reality. NOTHING.

 

Right now, you are a victim of his actions. Why just you?? How can he possibly have a grasp on reality without baring the consequences of his own actions? Whether the marriage recovers or not, you need to reveal this affair to OW and to her husband. What have you to lose?

 

Stop being his emotional support. Stop being intimate with him. He hasnt lost or changed a thing yet...except that now you are openly the victim, openly being punished, openly being blamed. Over in his head? Show him what over is.

[floridapad]

Well said 2sure. Well said. Exposure is a must. I guarantee you he is still with OMW. First part of your plan should be to expose the affair as hard as it may be. don't tell your husband. Go to http://www.marriagebuilders.com and read the site and section on exposing the affair. I feel for you. It is not easy but he is in fantasyland and needs a wake up.

[JaneDoe35]

Thanks to everyone for the responses. People will think I am stupid but I dont think I can tell the other woman's husband. Well I could but I am too scared. I feel so weak and I dont know if exposing this whole thing is the right thing to do.....Sometimes I think about revenge but I dont act on it at all. I dont have enough anger yet I guess. I am usually an assertive person who would always stand up for herself but now I am acting like the victim.

 

Today is my 10th Wedding Anniversary. No phone call, nothing...Should I call him or just try and forget this whole day? I know I need to stand up here and get stronger and start working on myself but I am consumed with thoughts of my marriage ending up in divorce and that I am going to completely lose my husband, losing my home and my daughter's security. I know the home is a material thing but I dont want to lose everything at once.