Author JaneDoe35 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 IMHO? Marines, Soldiers, Saloirs, police, and firefighters shouldn't not get married into well into their careers? The career is just too demanding! The toughest job in the Marine Corps is being a Marines Wife? It comes down to the "Lesser of Two Evils?" Saying Goodbye! Hi Gunny, how did you know my husband was one of the above???? Did I mention it in one of my earlier posts??
Author JaneDoe35 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Hey Dela, I really cannot believe what your husband has done to you. Is he the meanest husband ever? Maybe we could award a top 10 for the worst partners that we are all dealing with. We may argue over who gets top spot though. It is just discusting that you went through that feeling of finding out about the affair more than once. Once is too much. Did you feel like you were in a bad dream? Did you sort of float around? Was smiling or god forbid laughing almost impossible? All my waking hours are filled with the thoughts of him. I am seriously considering going to see a hypnotist to try and give my brain a break. Thanks for all your advice on the legal side of things, I am going to see a family law solicitor next week, I am in Australia. I am petrified as since our daughter was born I have only worked part time 25 hours per week. I have not advanced in my job as we decided that he would do that while I spent as much time as possible raising our daughter. My wage is still quite good and I will obviously increase my hours now but the child support that I would be entitled to from him will not allow me to keep our family home or the school my daughter currently attends. I am just treading carefully here but who knows what will happen. To be honest, I just dont want my daughter to lose her 'family', home and school all at once. But I may not be able to prevent that. She wont lose me though and I have an incredible amount of support. I am so disappointed to be on this forum (as will all are) but I log on whenever I feel the tears/nausea begin. And after I generally feel better. I am going to go and read all your posts now. Thanks so much for your post. I really appreciate you taking the time to write.
2.50 a gallon Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 JD35 Research: 19th century American history, mostly old west, outlaws, 49ers, mines, railroads, politicians, many who came from the east and mid America states so also have to got hunting there. Most important it got my mind off of my problems, it gave me something else to think of, instead of the loss that I was experiencing at that time
Author JaneDoe35 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 JD35 Research: 19th century American history, mostly old west, outlaws, 49ers, mines, railroads, politicians, many who came from the east and mid America states so also have to got hunting there. Most important it got my mind off of my problems, it gave me something else to think of, instead of the loss that I was experiencing at that time Thanks for replying, I am also very interested in history....maybe I need to start learning again.
greengoddess Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 find out more about this woman. I am sure he is still strong in an affair with her. No one just decides to end a marriage with children like this unless their is someone else. Find all you can and then please call her husband. He needs to know the truth too. You may end up with a frind and confidante in this too. Put the heat on and tell her husband. You have nothing to lose now. Their little affair will not be nearly as much fun when it is no longer a secret. Tell and tell today. She could quickly throw your husband under the bus when her husband finds out. It is still going on or he would not be so afraid of you telling her husband. I know you feel like you are falling apart but you sound very strong. Hang in there. YOU can do this!!!
greengoddess Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Also make sure you are taking care of yourself. Stay hydrated, get enough sleep and exercise. Keeping fit physically will also help you mentally. Your emotions will be a little more stable. also your daughter should know now,She probably is more scared knowing something is wrong and not knowing what. Talk to her. Tell her the truth. It's time your husband feels the full impact of what he is doing including the effect this will have on your daughter. Right now you are protecting him. It's time to protect yourself.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 He has arrived home for 4 hours with our daughter, unshaven, yawning constantly, has been socialising again. I am being very calm, said hello but that has been it. Sometimes feel like bursting into tears but then I just think to myself 'This imposter in my home is not my husband, he just looks a bit like him' It is very difficult to switch off but it is the only way to get through these 4 hours. I know I could have gone out but I wanted to prove to myself that I could be in the same house as him and mangage to show total indifference. So far, so good. I am just keeping busy, played with the dog, ironed daughters school uniforms, been on the forum!!! Deep breaths..focus....god help me
Author JaneDoe35 Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 I want him to leave now, there is nothing left of my husband in him. It hurts so much that I can barely take it. I have not cried though so that is something. I want him gone as it feels like having what I have lost paraded in front of me. Where did he go? Why does it appear so sudden to me? 5 weeks ago we were together (in my mind) and now nothing is left, just memories
Author JaneDoe35 Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 He is gone, I am still heartbroken, he wants to tell our daughter next weekend. He has completely lost the plot, spending so much money on going out etc, keeps leaving us short. Spoke about getting fit and hitting the beach. Thanks, says we will be better off without him, true in his current state, but before no. He was or seemed very devoted to us. Family & friends keep looking for a reason as they are even having difficulty coming to terms with this whole mess....
delajoonal Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 JD35... reading your posts, thoughts, and feelings...omg! ..again, its as tho i wrote them months ago.. i was just talking about an incident at the market..after we, H, decides to separate, yet we were still living in the same house... we went to the market for groceries, and i felt like i was with my son...he was wandering, blatantly checking out other women...something HE NEVER EVER did in our LTR/marriage...EVER... it was just so darn bizarre, i have no words for it..i was at the market with a complete stranger that night and a teenager one at that... i told him to pack and leave the next day. oh sweetie...i sooooo know how you are feeling..its so painful and frustrating..and you want to shake him and scream..WAKE UP, what is wrong with you???...right? i know you are concerned for your daughter, our son is 22 years old and i was holding back for months telling HIM anything... but you really sound like a very strong and together woman, and you seem loving and know what is going on, although it does at times feel like we are having an out of body experience, but you sound like you have your feet planted firmly...by staying around to see how much you could take that 4 hours he was there...you are proving to yourself just how strong you are and can be... by moving, changing schools, your H leaving, while ALL difficult for your daughter...YOU are BOTH going to so much better than you know... she can feel the tension, the sadness.. i called my H's OW's Husband...yep, i sure did..we talked for over 3 hours.. he said he already knew, had a feeling, and he knew, just like i did, when it started, 1 month prior to my calling him..he said he had lost 20 lbs, couldn't wait to go home and cry every day after work..and HIS little girl, knew what was happening at only 3/4 years old..she would tell him daddy don't cry, etc...and he said it was heartbreaking but he knew he had to start being stronger for his kids.. skip ahead to now, my H's OW filed for divorce in June, my H did in August.. wow, right...you never hear that the online EA's really really do this..leave their families, we were married nearly 14 years, the OW was since they were in high school..so about 25 years...and they have 2 small kids, a house, a business... so the OW really gave up alot for my H.. but you know what i found out from just reading on this subject.. my H's OW, went on facebook in search of a replacement/filler, if you will. she knew she wanted a divorce, as her H told me, he had been on the couch for nearly 2 years now.. so the OW, found a monkey in my H..someone to get her thru her divorce... and well, she even convinced my H to do the same...evil conniving bit**...i mean uh OW..LOL so, ive heard thru the grapevine, there is trouble in paradise already.. well HELLO...how can 2 people that meet online, both married with children, have a happy ending.. remember this.. and if you EVER speak to your H's OW ...tell them both... what goes around comes around... meaning..how can they trust each other..one might be cheating on the other right now..on facebook, or some other forum... see that is what happens when they meet and cheat...who can trust who after a while??...LOL you and your daughter are going to be Fabulous! and i am sure with the fact that you were the chosen one to stay home even with just part time work, you will get a substantial alimony AND child support...so...don't give up hope on that house yet..and you may NOT have to got back to work full time..the courts are pretty determined to keep at least one parent home these days to raise the children.. so i am sure you will come out more ahead than you can imagine right now;) but remember, start doing the work now..you have too...when you feel like you are going to collapse on your bed in tears...DON"T..get up,and go find all the paper work, tax papers, cell bills, anything you can find that will help you in court..and start moving money to another account in your name only at a bank he does not belong too...or stash some cash...you just never know.. like i said, my H was really quite congenial in the beginning...and the longer this separation went on with NO end in sight really, but i was NOT contacting or bothering H, BUT H's OW was irritated i was still in the picture, so she started pushing my H to divorce me for once and for all... and its just been an ugly mess... you can avoid this part...by just gettign in there and TAKING what is yours before HE does... if you can't afford an attorney, start skimming funds from your joint accts...you will have enough for a down payment soon..and they take credit cards too... ok, so i have rambled on again..but i feel so passionate about this issue..adn just want you AND your daughter to come out of this with alot less pain then i did... it will be OK...i promise...it gets better...don't get me wrong, i still cry for the man i married...as he is NOT anymore, i cry for the future, the 50th wedding anniversary i will never have..and so much more...but mostly now, the tears i think are for what was, and what will never be...NOT really for H anymore..as he has done some mean things to me... anyway...take care..feel free to PM me anytime...i will check back often to make sure you are doing OK..
Author JaneDoe35 Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Hi greengodess, thanks for your replies. My husband says it will ruin his career if I speak up as the other womans husband is in the same organisation, though not in the same location and that he could make it hard for my husband. I dont really see how though as my husband is in a senior role...oh I dont know what to do, I do rely on my husband financially although I do work also. My dad says go into damage control and that not saying anything would be a means to an end to secure my daughters financial future...I am trying to take care of myself but is hard sometimes as you all would know!!! Have lost weight (only 5kg) but I was only 53kg to begin with. I still feel reasonably healthy though. I am going to see what posts you have made to learn a little more. Thanks again for posting.
delajoonal Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 p.s. my H said i would be better off with out him as well..and he is right..NOW, cause the man he has become is evil and ugly...not the man i married.. p.s.s. like i said, GET THAT MONEY before he does!!
Author JaneDoe35 Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Thanks Dela, you are right, he is not my husband anymore...where did he go and will he come back?
greengoddess Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Hi greengodess, thanks for your replies. My husband says it will ruin his career if I speak up as the other womans husband is in the same organisation, though not in the same location and that he could make it hard for my husband. I dont really see how though as my husband is in a senior role...oh I dont know what to do, I do rely on my husband financially although I do work also. My dad says go into damage control and that not saying anything would be a means to an end to secure my daughters financial future...I am trying to take care of myself but is hard sometimes as you all would know!!! Have lost weight (only 5kg) but I was only 53kg to begin with. I still feel reasonably healthy though. I am going to see what posts you have made to learn a little more. Thanks again for posting. Affairs happen all the time. Most likely the woman's husband will not want the workplace to know and will keep it quiet. Your husband should have thought of the repercussions before doing this. Destroy the fantasy. Destroy the opportunity for him to even talk to her anymore by telling her husband. It will turn his life upside down when he sees the real consequences to what he is doing. Stay healthy, keep your energy up you are going to need to be clear headed.
greengoddess Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Janedoe do a search for surviving infidelity and you will find a great website with 20,000 people who have been through this. their advice is spot on most of the time.
delajoonal Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 i agree with greengoddess... BUT, like i said, i did ALL that stuff BEFORE getting my affairs in order, i.e. attorney, money, new house, etc.. i did contact my H's OW's H...and i contacted the OW.. now tho, i still would have done it..BUT AFTER getting ALL my paper work in order.. cause making janes H mad now by bursting the 'fantasy bubble' and everyone at his work finding out, etc...will only make him angry and desperate.. so my suggestion, from my own experience, will make it easier to get him in court first... hey, maybe by then she will have moved on and NOT even give 2 sh*ts about contacting the OW or OW H.... but at she will have her money, house and peace of mind... BEFORE she breaks the silence... hope that didn't step on any toes..just my opinion from my own experiences.. all i did was make my H more angry and take more away from me, that i am NOW fighting to get back....so i wish i would have waited..to do all that vendictive stuff..so to speak.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 I guess I feel stuck...I still have not let go of him, I am still in shock after 5 weeks. I am trying to protect my financial future by protecting him. I want him to feel some of what I am feeling but on the other hand I worry about my home and my daughter. It is horrible to rely on someone when they have hurt you so badly....I have not accepted that this is even happening. I must be going crazy. Thanks greengodess, my heart knows you are right but my head is telling me to keep cool. And Dela, thanks for your post, I just wish I were more angry. I think after he tells our daughter I may hate him. Maybe that will push me a bit to move on.
delajoonal Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 jane... ya, that anger part of grieving may take some time... it took me 6 months...read my back posts...u can't even imagine what this man has done to me..and yet i still could NOT get angry.. but when i did...i let IT all out, got my head together and THEN i got an attorney. i know we must all go thru this process in our own ways.. but i just hate to see you make the same mistakes i made..cause you are still so in love with your H...gosh, i so know that feeling...but everytime he texts me or leaves a vmail..ack..he makes me so sick. i wonder HOW i ever loved him or missed him... also, he has gone from his mother and fathers home, to MY home (our home), to now being with this OW...so he has never had a mind of his own..my H is very much like a child, in many many ways.... so even reading his texts, they are NOT coming from HIS own mind...they are coming from the OW..her vocabulary, quips, annunciations, just the whole body of what is said, is SO NOT my H. he is also like a Pod Person now...you know, Invasion of the Body Snatchers..LOL... im telling you..i have NO clue who this man is anymore..he doesn' t even LOOK remotely like the man i married...or even who he looked just before we spit up... he lost weight, which he did NOT need too..so he looks weird...and even acts kinda weird about it..like a girl would..LOL...ack! anyway...keep posting and letting us know where you are in your head and daily thoughts, and stuff like that...cause we are here to help you get thru this... although eventually we have to make our own decisions...it sure helps to have advice and opinions and others own divorce stories to see where you fit in..what you agree with..and if you could see yourself doing what is suggested... we are all here for you...keep posting..we will get you thru this..OK take care;)
Author JaneDoe35 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Hi to all...Dela, thanks so much for your posts. I do want to shake him and try and wake him up. Maybe if he has a severe bump on the head....It is very painful and frustrating. I am very concerned about our daughter. She wears her heart on her sleeve and thinks her daddy is the best. He was a great father. 'What goes around comes around' - I certainly hope so!!! The catch 22 in this situation as that we don't have alimony in Australia, just child support so I am feeling threatened from all angles. I have opened a bank account and I felt so guilty and strange about it. From the day we got together in february 96 we have only ever had a joint account. We never separated the money. I am so scared about the future, even tomorrow seems like too much to bear. I want to know that my daughter and I will be ok. I know that I cant die from this pain but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I dont know how to cope. Dela, do you really wonder how you ever loved him or missed him? I want to just switch off from him. I cant get his face out of my mind. He is a gorgeous looking man and I miss the intimacy lots. He told me tonight that he only wants to make love to me and does not want to go to someone else and I am the queen in that regard. Has he really turned into such a horrible person? How does he think it is ok to say something like that? I loved hearing it which makes it even worse...cause it is not the same as saying 'I want to work on our marriage', not even close. Why do I still want him back? How could I ever forgive him for this amount of pain. I know I hurt him slowly over time by not supporting him etc but why do this. Another complication here is that a few months ago we booked & paid for a trip to Anaheim, a family trip which we were all so excited about. It is only 2 weeks away. Cant be cancelled or postponed without losing the money. Dont want to let my daughter down so am planning to go, he still wants to go too....how will I survive it?
Author JaneDoe35 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 Sorry Dela, but dont think I can PM....
greengoddess Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 The biggest shake you can give him is making him face what his life will be like without you as a partner. He still knows you love him. He's still making sure by saying those things to you. This is still a fantasy game to him. Having fun with the ow and still being able to pick his life back up with you. Talk to him about your daughter and finances only. Ask him to come over tonight for a few hours to be a united front to tell your daughter together that you are separated. That will shake him to the core better than you could ever do physically. Tell him you are no longer friends but will be coparents only. Tell him he is not welcome to go on vacation with you that you are no longer a family and bring a girlfriend or your mother. You have to make him see reality or you will keep bouncing back and forth with no idea where you are going. He has to see this is real. When you are ready I do think you need to tell her husband. He will see the real ow when that happens not the fantasy one that he's snuck around with. I wish you had private messages. They come at a certain post number. Keep posting. Hang in there and get tough with him.He's playing with your heart. Tell him he has no right to say those things to you anymore.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 The biggest shake you can give him is making him face what his life will be like without you as a partner. He still knows you love him. He's still making sure by saying those things to you. This is still a fantasy game to him. Having fun with the ow and still being able to pick his life back up with you. Talk to him about your daughter and finances only. Ask him to come over tonight for a few hours to be a united front to tell your daughter together that you are separated. That will shake him to the core better than you could ever do physically. Tell him you are no longer friends but will be coparents only. Tell him he is not welcome to go on vacation with you that you are no longer a family and bring a girlfriend or your mother. You have to make him see reality or you will keep bouncing back and forth with no idea where you are going. He has to see this is real. When you are ready I do think you need to tell her husband. He will see the real ow when that happens not the fantasy one that he's snuck around with. I wish you had private messages. They come at a certain post number. Keep posting. Hang in there and get tough with him.He's playing with your heart. Tell him he has no right to say those things to you anymore. Oh dear, I just lost the reply I had typed to you greengoddess!!! So annoyed, I will try and start again. He states that he is not still conducting emotional affair with the other woman, says he will tell me the truth during this separation no matter how much it hurts. I must be crazy to believe him as he lied to me about even having an affair for 4 months or however long it has been going on. He wont come home tonight as lives 3 hours away but stated he will be home on Friday. I am in serious denial if I still love this man and want to save our marriage. I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow and instead of asking for strategies to try and repair the marriage, I am going to ask for strategies on how to move on and cope. I feel so stupid and this has brought me to an all time low. I need help on how to get tough with him. I do it sometimes after reading the posts on here but then I get down and totally freak out about what is happening. Why am I so scared of getting divorced?
ryepatch Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 jane, hang in there. there's hope if you want there to be. you can learn to cope AND stand for your marriage at the same time. just decide where your boundaries should be and hold firm that that's where they should be whether he crosses them or not. i felt the same way about opening a new bank account. we had a joint account at about two months into our relationship, and never once had separate money. we were all for one, one for all about everything. she never complained about it or anything. i didn't open a new account until she closed ours. remember, it ain't over til it's over. it sounds like you're really confused about whether you want to stay with him. i'd say put off the question of whether you could forgive him. just decide what he would need to do to change, and if he'll go to counseling with you, figure out what he needs out of you. this doesn't mean don't protect yourself, and it doesn't mean trust him yet. but keep the door open if you want to. . . that's what you should talk to you counselor about. . . how to decide what you want from him, whether you want this marriage to work. take care. . .
Author JaneDoe35 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 jane, hang in there. there's hope if you want there to be. you can learn to cope AND stand for your marriage at the same time. just decide where your boundaries should be and hold firm that that's where they should be whether he crosses them or not. i felt the same way about opening a new bank account. we had a joint account at about two months into our relationship, and never once had separate money. we were all for one, one for all about everything. she never complained about it or anything. i didn't open a new account until she closed ours. remember, it ain't over til it's over. it sounds like you're really confused about whether you want to stay with him. i'd say put off the question of whether you could forgive him. just decide what he would need to do to change, and if he'll go to counseling with you, figure out what he needs out of you. this doesn't mean don't protect yourself, and it doesn't mean trust him yet. but keep the door open if you want to. . . that's what you should talk to you counselor about. . . how to decide what you want from him, whether you want this marriage to work. take care. . . Hi ryepatch, first of all, how are you? You seem like such a great man and I really hope your wife gets the help she needs and realises what she is slowly killing. You really put into words what I want, I do want to cope and stand for my marriage at the same time. I know that my mistakes have hurt my husband and he told me recently that he did not think I loved him anymore. My mistakes were to not support him and I became bitter at his work for taking him away. Therefore I punished him for that. I am not condoning his cheating on me as there is no excuse for that, that is just weak behaviour on his part. I am confused about what I want as because I dont know him anymore, I dont know myself anymore. Does that make sense? Today I cried a lot. It was not pretty! I do want to leave a door open. But I want to get stronger so that I feel he does not always have the upper hand. He sounds like such a horrid person when I read how I have described him. I believe that there is probably only a 5% chance of this marriage being saved from d******, detest that word. But what have I got to lose? Maybe my dignity but I can get that back later. I honestly did not see this coming....we were both not happy about him working away but I really did not think our marriage was about to end. I knew something had to happen but not this. He only ended it after I caught him cheating. The day before that the three of us were planning our disneyland trip. I could analyse every word. Does everyone do that? Since 16th August I have replayed every word he says or writes to death. I have to stop that. Thanks ryepatch and everyone for reading.
greengoddess Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I honestly did not see this coming....we were both not happy about him working away but I really did not think our marriage was about to end. I knew something had to happen but not this. He only ended it after I caught him cheating. The day before that the three of us were planning our disneyland trip. I could analyse every word. Does everyone do that? Since 16th August I have replayed every word he says or writes to death. I have to stop that. Thanks ryepatch and everyone for reading. This is what makes me believe it's not over and it's not just an emotional affair. You can't believe him and you can't trust him. He could be taking advice from the ow right now.Do you really believe he'd be willing to hurt you and your daughter and break up the family right now if their wasn't someone else? He doesn't want to be the bad guy so he's going to tell you no more affair. You need to be strong if you want to save this marriage. He needs to see he can't be separated and still have his happy little family at the same time.
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