Jersey Shortie Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I am really happy for you. And while both your maturity in the situation should be mentioned, you especially for getting the ball rolling on the communication. Really, you did a fantastic job all around in dealing with the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
c-riouz Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Hey Everybody. It has been a couple of weeks since my original post and I wanted to update everyone. First, let me say that the past two weeks (although a very short period of time) has been a huge eye opener for me. Lovely10's post in particular cemented my resolve to not look at porn. And I'm proud to say that I have not looked at porn in two weeks (I'm sure people are rolling their eyes to this, but it was a big deal for me). I took [almost ] everyone's advice to heart. I started dressing sexier for the wife and made more efforts to flirt and be romantic. And since I wasn't masturbating, it didn't take long for me to really get naturally turned on and she noticed. After the first week, we got a babysitter for a night while we went to a wedding. We had [really good] sex right before the wedding and again afterwards. Earlier in the day I had mentioned to her that I wasn't masturbating. She wondered why and, without going into details (it was a little awkward for me to talk about just then), I just mentioned that I felt like it was harming our relationship. As the night wore on (and after our second time having sex in the same night... which is not something that has happened in a long time) she joked about how not masturbating is going to turn me into a sex maniac. But she was really happy, and so was I. As we laid there in bed, I opened up with her. I confessed to how much I was depending on porn for my sexual needs and how much I felt like that was damaging our sex life. I told her that I felt like it was very important for us to feel attractive for one another and to that end I promised her I would make a better effort to be attractive. (She in turn said she felt the same way.) The more I talked the more she understood and the better I felt. Then she started to open up with me and said that she had resorted to masturbating far more often than I had originally thought. She even thought that I was just not a sexual guy. She thought I was "asexual"! I apologized to her for letting things get so bad. By the time the week was over I had realized that I was feeling more attracted to my wife and that she also was feeling more attractive! I've realized that my first post was so skewed, I really had no idea just how much I was the problem. Granted, there are some issues that we must both share responsibility for, but I am convinced right now that my heavy reliance on porn was killing us. Throughout the next week we didn't get much time alone because of various circumstances, however we had sex again today, and it was awesome. She's told me 5 times this week how happy she is that I opened up to her about my sex issues. She wishes I had told her a long time ago (and I do too). Anyways, I just wanted to give an update to the community. What I thought were attraction issues were really other issues deep seated within myself. I can't thank everyone enough for their input and for opening my eyes to this. This may only be the beginning, and perhaps only "baby steps" have been made. But I felt like we made a lot of progress in that one night that I opened up to her. Congratulations. It shows that porn really IS the problem. Now if only more men would understand this.... Link to post Share on other sites
crankycat Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 You had a sexual interaction with anather woman while your wife stayed home and watched your son. Yes, he is your son, even though, I sense you are doing little to really take care of him. You have no respect for your wife and no respect for your familly. The good thing is that your son is very young. If you divorce your wife now, your son will not experience the same amount of pain if you wait untill later. Pleas trust me on this. Your familly will, sooner or later, fall apart. It is better to take care of business now rather than drag this out. Good luck. Did you even bother to read his post?? First of all, he has stated over and over again, he LOVES his wife and child, and divorce/cheating is not an option for him. He never blamed his wife in his post, but rather described the situation. He openly admitted that this is mainly his problem and he is looking to better the situation. NOTHING IN HIS POST SUGGESTED THAT HE IS LOOKING FOR AN EASY SOLUTION OR SOMEONE TO CONDONE CHEATING. He is already experiencing a tremendous amount of guilt. YOUR POSTS ADDS ZERO VALUE. INSTEAD OF OFFERING HELP, YOU TRY TO MAKE HIM FEEL MORE GUILT. GUILT IS TOXIC AND ADDS NOTHING TO A SOLUTION. STOP PROJECTING YOUR OWN DEMONS ONTO OTHERS. YOU FAIL. Link to post Share on other sites
Mixitup123 Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 I've managed to read some of your posts, and just read your last one! Just wanted to say WELL DONE and I am so happy for you. You are a very mature and straight thinking man, and I think your wife is a very lucky lady, I think a lot of people these days, men and women, give up at the first huddle in relationships and marriage, but you have come to save the day and given me personally, hope. I have just broken up from a 4 year relationship with a guy of 26 (I am 30) funny enough I met him when he was 22. We finished for different reasons, but he was no where near as mature, devoted and thoughtful as you have been towards your wife. So give yourself on the back, you deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
FrankGolem Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 I'm so happy for the OP. This is why, as people, we make the commitment of marriage, to help us grow from experiences like this. I don't think I'm that dissimilar from OP. I'm a geek, happy to live in my own head at times. I'm solidly of the opinion that there is no such thing as a "bad" emotion. Emotions (including "horniness") give us power. The real trick is channeling that power in the right direction. For horniness, the right way to channel the emotion is as a powerful motivator to generate intimacy with your spouse (or to find a spouse as the case may be). If you channel that energy somewhere else (porn, masturbation, even ogling other women), you're diminishing your capacity for being intimate with your spouse. After too many failed relationships (and with the help of a wonderful counselor) I gave up porn and masturbation. Soon after, I was married to a wonderful woman. We now have 1 1/2 kids (due December). She's not always sexy (and neither am I), but we have a great relationship. When the sexy isn't happening so much between my wife and I, I tend to be drawn back to other forms of sexuality (porn, ogling, etc). I find if I try to satiate my sexual urges by ogling other women or flirting with sites that may contain sexy pictures , I only make the problem with my wife worse. I become discouraged, frustrated and unattracted to her (and my own confidence takes a hit). It becomes easy to think, "hey, why try to solve this difficult problem with her when I can escape into a fantasy of other, perfect women?" And that withdrawl on my part, however subtle, is noticed by my wife, making her feel less desirable and less like being sexy. For me, this is the key: The only way I'm able to sustain a good sexual relationship with my wife is to channel my substantial sexual energy only at her. In all of her imperfections (physical and otherwise), my wife is also a sexual creature. And she can tell when she's my everything versus when she's not my first choice. And when she is the sole target of the full force of my sexuality, properly channeled, she usually responds in kind. Link to post Share on other sites
wife Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 Wow what a long thread to read through! Applause to OP for opening up to his wife.. KEEP THAT COMMUNICATION OPEN! My husband was most attracted to me when I was pregnant with our son. Now he finds it irresistable to see me in a matted long ponytail, his Tshirt on and our youngest son (8 months old) draped sleeping and slobbering over my shoulder Link to post Share on other sites
sulads Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 cheers! But I wasn't "seeking other women", I only wanted my wife... the porn thing helped in the darkest times, but I still wanted to make love to the real thing... You know what, my dad cheated my mom about three years ago. But when I saw the girl he secretly went out with, I realized then that my dad was actually attracted to her physically but his heart remains to us. And so, I had my mom join with me on my workout. And my mom now? She's a real hottie at 45. My dad? He become very submissive to my mom that he always want her to be around him. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 You know what, my dad cheated my mom about three years ago. But when I saw the girl he secretly went out with, I realized then that my dad was actually attracted to her physically but his heart remains to us. And so, I had my mom join with me on my workout. And my mom now? She's a real hottie at 45. My dad? He become very submissive to my mom that he always want her to be around him. my wife is already "hot", but thanks for the suggestion! Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Great post Frank. I suspect alot more men go through exactly what you did, then say. And I suspect alot more men do not have the insight or effort to do what you did to over come your problem. Your wife is a lucky woman and she clearly has a man that cares about her and is very self aware. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 I'm so happy for the OP. This is why, as people, we make the commitment of marriage, to help us grow from experiences like this. I don't think I'm that dissimilar from OP. I'm a geek, happy to live in my own head at times. I'm solidly of the opinion that there is no such thing as a "bad" emotion. Emotions (including "horniness") give us power. The real trick is channeling that power in the right direction. For horniness, the right way to channel the emotion is as a powerful motivator to generate intimacy with your spouse (or to find a spouse as the case may be). If you channel that energy somewhere else (porn, masturbation, even ogling other women), you're diminishing your capacity for being intimate with your spouse. After too many failed relationships (and with the help of a wonderful counselor) I gave up porn and masturbation. Soon after, I was married to a wonderful woman. We now have 1 1/2 kids (due December). She's not always sexy (and neither am I), but we have a great relationship. When the sexy isn't happening so much between my wife and I, I tend to be drawn back to other forms of sexuality (porn, ogling, etc). I find if I try to satiate my sexual urges by ogling other women or flirting with sites that may contain sexy pictures , I only make the problem with my wife worse. I become discouraged, frustrated and unattracted to her (and my own confidence takes a hit). It becomes easy to think, "hey, why try to solve this difficult problem with her when I can escape into a fantasy of other, perfect women?" And that withdrawl on my part, however subtle, is noticed by my wife, making her feel less desirable and less like being sexy. For me, this is the key: The only way I'm able to sustain a good sexual relationship with my wife is to channel my substantial sexual energy only at her. In all of her imperfections (physical and otherwise), my wife is also a sexual creature. And she can tell when she's my everything versus when she's not my first choice. And when she is the sole target of the full force of my sexuality, properly channeled, she usually responds in kind. And what if you give up all of that and the wife still doesn't respond? I wish it was as simple as that... Link to post Share on other sites
FrankGolem Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 (edited) And what if you give up all of that and the wife still doesn't respond? I wish it was as simple as that... That's fair. I'm definitely not in that tough of a spot. Even if it takes a few weeks, my wife will nearly always eventually respond. That helps prevent the "helpless" feeling which can so easily seep in after long periods. My wife and I are still just a few years into our marriage, so I've no doubt we've still yet to face tougher challenges. I don't want to diminish that porn and masturbation and ogling only ever took me in a direction away from making things work with my wife. Channeling my "horny" into trying to woo, listen, spend time, flirt, buy vibrators, read on how to be a better lover, etc. seemed a good way to use that emotion. But I'll admit it doesn't do much to relieve the immediate "pressure". I've no doubt there are relationships that are beyond simply "quitting porn". From looking at your other posts I think you're in a vastly different and more complicated situation. I just wanted to reitterate that when the goal is try to fix the sexual relationship, I'd second the OP's experience that removing other sexual stimuli has proven powerfully beneficial. Edited October 8, 2009 by FrankGolem Link to post Share on other sites
seoa Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 And what if you give up all of that and the wife still doesn't respond? I wish it was as simple as that... I haven't read your posts, but it sounds like you're talking about a different scenario... The theme on this thread is that the male has lost motivation to approach the female for sex, due to misuse of porn... That is resolved by removing the problem (the porn), freeing the guy up to be attracted to his woman again... And a woman whose problem is that her guy has been putting his sexual attention elsewhere will be likely to respond to the resumed attention... If the problem with the female's interest in sex is *not* primarily about being ignored by her man, then him showing her attention is not gonna fix things... Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 if you read Frank's post, you'll understand that his approach was coming from a different perspective... Link to post Share on other sites
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