Love my wife, but not attracted to her.

[typesafe]

Wow, I am overwhelmed by so many responses. I really felt like posting online was a last ditch effort. I am VERY glad that I did. Thank you everyone.

 

I apologize that it has taken me so long to reply. Because I am writing these posts "in secret", having a full time job, etc. doesn't leave much time for me to be alone. (I can hear the masturbation jokes coming down the pipeline now.

 

Reading everyone's questions and comments has really helped me to clarify what I wanted from the community. I hope I can give more clear details about the situation, while at the same time responding to everyone's advice.

 

The biggest questions have been "why are you losing attraction to your wife?" and "What was it like before you got married?" I purposefully did not include this information in the original post because I felt like that was getting complicated. You are probably thinking "How is that complicated? These are simple and direct questions!" Well, it is complicated. But I'll do my best to put it all in a nutshell.

 

One very important aspect to understanding my personality is that I am a very adaptable person. I love people and have never had a lack of close friends. However, despite this, I had very few romantic relationships in my life. The majority of my relationships were based almost solely around sex. (I can hear the bells going off in everyone's head right now.) But a crucial key to understand is that I was never satisfied in these relationships. I didn't love the individuals in these relationships. Now listen hard: I am the type to fall hard in love. But always for individuals who seemed to never have the same feelings for me. There were a few girls in my lifetime (starting when I was at least 11) that I deeply cared for. I would daydream about them. I would think about the constantly. But I never had the confidence to do much about it. As a result, I always felt rejected, even though nobody ever rejected me. I suppose this all boils down to self esteem issues. Overtime I began to automatically ignore beautiful women. I developed a complex where I simply assumed that either 1) a pretty girl would not want to be with me, or 2) if she did, I probably wouldn't want to be with her. I know, I am doomed, right? (Btw, please don't focus responses on the self esteem issues. I'm talking teenage years here, so self esteem issues are pretty normal at that age. Besides, I am a much more confident individual now. Very different from then. However, I still felt that part of the story was important to share.)

 

But this never changed the fact that I was and still am romantically oriented. Even at a young age of 13 I craved love. Some of my fondest memories in my youth are just of being close and intimate with a girl that I felt really liked me. Nothing sexual... just BEING with them. I'm a sap. And one more thing I've neglected to mention. I love to study. I am a software architect who spends a LOT of time on the computer, programming, reading, etc. For 2 years before the wife and I met I was essentially a hermit while studying. I have a ridiculious amount of books.

 

Now, finally, I'll move on. (I'm so sorry. This is getting really long.)

 

When the W and I met, I was knee deep in studies. At first, neither of us were romantically interested, and I was pretty much solely worried about my books. We were just acquaintances that happened to see each regularly. One night, we were discussing something and we both got really into the discussion. We swapped numbers and she called me the next night to see if I'd like to get dinner. I wasn't expecting this and was kind of amazed. We had dinner and we went back to my place. I played the piano for her and we talked more. We then went to her place and she kissed me. Again, I was not expecting the kiss, but I really enjoyed it. We spent the entire night together, just talking and laughing, and of course kissing. It was a great time. Just being with her, I really loved being around her. The next 9 months were essentially the two of us spending every night together. We would stay up until 6 in the morning, talking, laughing, having sex. It was a wonderful time.

 

I had never been in such a relationship with someone. Although I didn't think she was a "bombshell", I was very happy with her (and, despite our sex life, I still am, btw!)

 

Even right from the beginning, we both learned that the other really wanted children. I will not try to explain "why" a guy of my age at that time would want children. Either you understand or you don't. There isn't much more I can say about that. But let's just say that this was a VERY important part of our relationship. I married her knowing that she would be a phenomenal mother. She likewise expressed to me that she never knew someone that she wanted to raise children with until she met me. This is key to understanding our situation. As young adults, we both knew that having children was fundamental to happiness. And we both reveled in knowing that we had found a partner that we loved to be with and who would be a loving parent.

 

Now, for those of you dying to hear something more concrete about how attractive she is, I will say that when we met I wasn't impressed with her physically. And I can't even say for sure that she was impressed with me. Despite this, we've always complemented each other (on the other's looks)...

 

However, after that initial 9 months, the sex started to slow down. I proposed to her and that next year was pretty stressful. Planning for a wedding, etc. During that year she gained considerable weight. I also wasn't taking great care of myself. (As a side note, I have the opposite weight problem. I am very thin... far too thin for my liking. In order to maintain a healthy weight, I need to eat lots (healthy foods, of course) and go to the gym regularly for weight training.) The sex continued to slow down... dramatically. And then it happened. We both just kind of accepted this new reality of non-sex. As others have said here, we became great partners and friends. But rarely did we look at each other sexually anymore. Being the breadwinner, I've felt a strong responsibility to provide for her (and the future child that we knew was coming.) In addition to having a full time job, I started a side business. A lot of spare time went into studies and business stuff. She, too, was focusing a lot on her art.

 

Now, let me say something here. I don't know how this will come across, but before the W and I met, I had trained myself to focus only on studies. I let out all of my sexual desires through masturbation. And when I say trained... I really mean it. Although I yearned for physical attention, I stuck with my "safe zone", which was my books. This training has helped me to be "OK" with such little sex in the marriage. I had trained myself to cope with no sex before we met, and here I am using that "coping mechanism" during our marriage. (BTW, I couldn't agree more with those of you who have pointed out that my masturbation is a problem. Reading these posts and typing this has really helped drive this home for me.)

 

Now, I hope things are starting to come together for the readers at this time. I have no doubt bored all of you to death with my story, but I felt like all of the above was important to knowing what is going on. I will conclude my clarification of our situation by saying that the W's weight problems have remained. However, she is not lazy. In the past she had taken up jogging (stuck with it for several months!) and a healthy diet off and on. I've seen her work hard on it at times and it's difficult for me to watch her work so hard, mostly because she never really lost a whole lot of weight. This was a big blow to her. She worked hard and never lost much. Some in her family also struggle with this.

 

OK.... Now that I've (hopefully) finished clarifying, I want to summarize other people's suggestions. I have gleamed a lot of useful knowledge from this thread and I want to respond personally to so many of you that have taken your time to respond. I'll place that into a separate reply. (This is way too long!) Thank you everyone for your support! This has truly been an amazing experience for me so far.

[mem11363]

Typesafe,

That is an incredible - incredible story. Marrying someone for their potential to be a great mother is an exceptionally mature and enlightened thing to do if you can be happy enough overall to stay married to that person.

 

The only way I have seen very heavy people lose weight and keep it off is gastric bypass. But that is something that someone has to really, really want. If I were her I would be scared of the risks of doing something like that, including the risk that you still are not attracted to her which would be a very painful blow.

 

So the core questions are:

- Are you willing to be celibate the rest of your life?

- If not, do both you and your wife have a strong desire to do whatever it takes for the two of you to have some level of sex life?

- If you do not both have that strong desire, could she tolerate you having a sexual partner without the fear that you will end up "leaving her and your child" for that parter?

 

The whole "sex partner" thing is not something I mention lightly. And it is not something you should hide - that is awful and deceitful.

 

I have one last question for you. Do you believe you have a soul? Whether that is a religious belief or a non religious belief, I am asking for a reason. If you DO believe you have a soul then I will tell you something that I think you may already sense or maybe know.

 

Watching a lot of porn (especially by yourself) slowly consumes your soul. The more you watch, the more acidic its effect on your spirit. It is a slow process so you have to pay attention to notice, but it is a very real and very awful thing. Some people also find that their preferences evolve over time - and not in a good way. If you go the celibate route, this is going to end up interfering with your ability to be the truly great father that I know you aspire to be.

 

Good luck to you and Peace

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow, I am overwhelmed by so many responses. I really felt like posting online was a last ditch effort. I am VERY glad that I did. Thank you everyone.

 

I apologize that it has taken me so long to reply. Because I am writing these posts "in secret", having a full time job, etc. doesn't leave much time for me to be alone. (I can hear the masturbation jokes coming down the pipeline now.

 

Reading everyone's questions and comments has really helped me to clarify what I wanted from the community. I hope I can give more clear details about the situation, while at the same time responding to everyone's advice.

 

The biggest questions have been "why are you losing attraction to your wife?" and "What was it like before you got married?" I purposefully did not include this information in the original post because I felt like that was getting complicated. You are probably thinking "How is that complicated? These are simple and direct questions!" Well, it is complicated. But I'll do my best to put it all in a nutshell.

 

One very important aspect to understanding my personality is that I am a very adaptable person. I love people and have never had a lack of close friends. However, despite this, I had very few romantic relationships in my life. The majority of my relationships were based almost solely around sex. (I can hear the bells going off in everyone's head right now.) But a crucial key to understand is that I was never satisfied in these relationships. I didn't love the individuals in these relationships. Now listen hard: I am the type to fall hard in love. But always for individuals who seemed to never have the same feelings for me. There were a few girls in my lifetime (starting when I was at least 11) that I deeply cared for. I would daydream about them. I would think about the constantly. But I never had the confidence to do much about it. As a result, I always felt rejected, even though nobody ever rejected me. I suppose this all boils down to self esteem issues. Overtime I began to automatically ignore beautiful women. I developed a complex where I simply assumed that either 1) a pretty girl would not want to be with me, or 2) if she did, I probably wouldn't want to be with her. I know, I am doomed, right? (Btw, please don't focus responses on the self esteem issues. I'm talking teenage years here, so self esteem issues are pretty normal at that age. Besides, I am a much more confident individual now. Very different from then. However, I still felt that part of the story was important to share.)

 

But this never changed the fact that I was and still am romantically oriented. Even at a young age of 13 I craved love. Some of my fondest memories in my youth are just of being close and intimate with a girl that I felt really liked me. Nothing sexual... just BEING with them. I'm a sap. And one more thing I've neglected to mention. I love to study. I am a software architect who spends a LOT of time on the computer, programming, reading, etc. For 2 years before the wife and I met I was essentially a hermit while studying. I have a ridiculious amount of books.

 

Now, finally, I'll move on. (I'm so sorry. This is getting really long.)

 

When the W and I met, I was knee deep in studies. At first, neither of us were romantically interested, and I was pretty much solely worried about my books. We were just acquaintances that happened to see each regularly. One night, we were discussing something and we both got really into the discussion. We swapped numbers and she called me the next night to see if I'd like to get dinner. I wasn't expecting this and was kind of amazed. We had dinner and we went back to my place. I played the piano for her and we talked more. We then went to her place and she kissed me. Again, I was not expecting the kiss, but I really enjoyed it. We spent the entire night together, just talking and laughing, and of course kissing. It was a great time. Just being with her, I really loved being around her. The next 9 months were essentially the two of us spending every night together. We would stay up until 6 in the morning, talking, laughing, having sex. It was a wonderful time.

 

I had never been in such a relationship with someone. Although I didn't think she was a "bombshell", I was very happy with her (and, despite our sex life, I still am, btw!)

 

Even right from the beginning, we both learned that the other really wanted children. I will not try to explain "why" a guy of my age at that time would want children. Either you understand or you don't. There isn't much more I can say about that. But let's just say that this was a VERY important part of our relationship. I married her knowing that she would be a phenomenal mother. She likewise expressed to me that she never knew someone that she wanted to raise children with until she met me. This is key to understanding our situation. As young adults, we both knew that having children was fundamental to happiness. And we both reveled in knowing that we had found a partner that we loved to be with and who would be a loving parent.

 

Now, for those of you dying to hear something more concrete about how attractive she is, I will say that when we met I wasn't impressed with her physically. And I can't even say for sure that she was impressed with me. Despite this, we've always complemented each other (on the other's looks)...

 

However, after that initial 9 months, the sex started to slow down. I proposed to her and that next year was pretty stressful. Planning for a wedding, etc. During that year she gained considerable weight. I also wasn't taking great care of myself. (As a side note, I have the opposite weight problem. I am very thin... far too thin for my liking. In order to maintain a healthy weight, I need to eat lots (healthy foods, of course) and go to the gym regularly for weight training.) The sex continued to slow down... dramatically. And then it happened. We both just kind of accepted this new reality of non-sex. As others have said here, we became great partners and friends. But rarely did we look at each other sexually anymore. Being the breadwinner, I've felt a strong responsibility to provide for her (and the future child that we knew was coming.) In addition to having a full time job, I started a side business. A lot of spare time went into studies and business stuff. She, too, was focusing a lot on her art.

 

Now, let me say something here. I don't know how this will come across, but before the W and I met, I had trained myself to focus only on studies. I let out all of my sexual desires through masturbation. And when I say trained... I really mean it. Although I yearned for physical attention, I stuck with my "safe zone", which was my books. This training has helped me to be "OK" with such little sex in the marriage. I had trained myself to cope with no sex before we met, and here I am using that "coping mechanism" during our marriage. (BTW, I couldn't agree more with those of you who have pointed out that my masturbation is a problem. Reading these posts and typing this has really helped drive this home for me.)

 

Now, I hope things are starting to come together for the readers at this time. I have no doubt bored all of you to death with my story, but I felt like all of the above was important to knowing what is going on. I will conclude my clarification of our situation by saying that the W's weight problems have remained. However, she is not lazy. In the past she had taken up jogging (stuck with it for several months!) and a healthy diet off and on. I've seen her work hard on it at times and it's difficult for me to watch her work so hard, mostly because she never really lost a whole lot of weight. This was a big blow to her. She worked hard and never lost much. Some in her family also struggle with this.

 

OK.... Now that I've (hopefully) finished clarifying, I want to summarize other people's suggestions. I have gleamed a lot of useful knowledge from this thread and I want to respond personally to so many of you that have taken your time to respond. I'll place that into a separate reply. (This is way too long!) Thank you everyone for your support! This has truly been an amazing experience for me so far.

[typesafe]

OK everyone, here goes part II. This community really is absolutely amazing. I wanted to personally respond to many of you who have given me advice. I might not have the time to respond to everyone, but I'll try.

 

whichwayisup: I whole-heartedly agree with your advice for getting more romantic and finding "us" time. Utilizing the grandparents towards these ends is a great idea. I will also carefully consider the counselling route. I would certainly take that road before considering divorce. And finally, I want to reiterate that cheating is nowhere near the standards I have for myself at this point. The episode of me drinking and "losing control" with another girl was really the rock bottom for me. I knew after that I needed help, and that is why I turned to the community. Btw, I like the bath idea a lot. Thanks!

 

Jersey Shortie: (this is a response only to your first post. I don't have any comment on your other post(s)). I agree with a lot of what you have said. My wife needs more attention now than ever. I also agree that talking with her is a good idea (if not completely necessary.) In the two days since my first post, I have been spending considerable time formulating what I hope would be the best way to do this.

 

mem11363: You and your wife have an excellent thing going. If my wife and I could both develop the same enthusiasm for staying fit and attractive as you two have, I think this would help us tremendously. Not to mention that we would be healthier (and perhaps as a corollary, happier) individuals. If/when my wife and I talk, I think this topic alone would give us a lot to focus on. This would help give us goals to work towards and would provide physical evidence of our commitment to each other, further reinforcing a positive attitude. This was a very important response to my post for me. Thank you!

 

Woggle: Excellent advice. The wife and I are currently in the process of getting a babysitter for a night next weekend

 

deux ex machina: I hope I've answered your questions in the reply I posted just before this. Thank you for reading and caring

 

LucreziaBorgia: One word for you... BINGO!!!! I read your reply 5 times. I could not have expressed something so clearly myself. "Sexual context." That sums so much up right there. As you have no doubt noted, there is NO sexual context in our relationship anymore. I'm focused a lot on business and fathering, and I relieve sexual tension through masturbation. She also is focused 100% in her life of mothering and other things and has been known to masturbate, though not often. I believe that by bringing a sexual context back into our lives, we could dramatically improve our sex lives. It wasn't really until I read your reply that I gathered just how much sexual context is missing, and how profoundly that has affected us.

 

Lizzie60: You asked why have a baby... I try (briefly) to explain why in the reply above. I have a similar resentment towards therapists. I simply have known too many false "experts" in various fields. And when you walk into an MC's office with another individual, you are giving the MC a lot of influence over a powerful situation. This is obsviously a very serious commitment, one that I don't take lightly. However, I would consider this if after trying hard to turn our situation around, we were still not "connecting." I agree that talking with her is absolutely necessary. (and btw, I really enjoyed your quote at the bottom of the message

 

Meaplus3: Thank you for the support! I like to hear about things improving.

 

angie2443: Honestly, I started skipping your replies so I can't say much. I will say that dancing with the other girl was a "rock bottom" for me. My goal here in this thread is to find ways to repair the things that are broken in my marriage. But your replies had a bit too much bitterness to them for me to take away much useful. I do thank you for caring for my wife's situation, however. I am grateful to you for reaching out on her behalf. I am also very sorry to hear about your father cheating on your mother. That sounds like a terrible experience... something I do not wish to bring upon my family. And, as a side note, dancing with that other girl was not a carefully calculated event. I didn't leave the house thinking: "Great! The wife stays at home with the baby, my time to get it on!" I got caught up in the heat of a (tipsy) moment for a total of 60 seconds. I wish I could help you see past that one single part of this entirely complex situation.

 

Toodamnpragmatic: Thank you for the post! Although I sincerely hope (and think) we are not doomed, I appreciated your honesty. Others feel like I am being too idealist and that I will surely cheat if I stick in this situation. (Or, for that matter, the wife could cheat on me!) But with all of the amazing advice I've gotten... if we HONESTLY worked on these things and give it all we had, I think we have a good chance. We'll see

 

Kamille: I love books. So that you for the recommendation! I have already put it into my wishlist. Thank you VERY much for caring.

 

allina: Your reply was short and beautiful. Everything you had to say was very important and I certainly took notes. Thank you.

 

asireen: Yours was certainly one of the more interesting posts. Experience is an amazing thing. Two things that always go together are youth and naiveness. Lately I've been thinking about how men (or women) deal with this situation while keeping the family together. First and foremost, of course, trying to rekindle our sex life should be our top priority. But suppose we both completely exhaust this option and, say, several years down the road we want the family to stay together but are still dead sexually. What have others in this situation done? Obviously what people do and what they SAY they do are different. I thank you for your blunt honesty! I think (or rather, know) that all humans at some point find a breaking point where they realize that "values" are subjective, and that they change over time. Indeed, what is right and what is wrong is of course subjective and one can easily find a middle ground approach: remaining a steadfast parent and spouse, while getting his (or her) fun outside of the home. You have years of experience on me and that really counts. I will approach this situation as if there is only one option: to make the marraige work and to be faithful. However, your experience is not lost on me. Thank you VERY much for your post.

 

mem11363: Your second post caught me off gaurd. Your guess about our financial situation was wrong, but your intuition was dead on. Algthough I'm the (sole) breadwinner, the idea of her not having me to rely on financially is a thought I couldn't bear. The thought of leaving her out on her own feels like that would be one of my biggest failures. I've read that many men get a large part of a sense of meaning in their life from "providing" for their loved ones. That is certainly the case for me. So your intuition about staying in a marriage for financial security was actually eerily correct.

 

---- At this point I'm not even half way through responding to everyone. Unfortunately I'm going to have to start skipping some replies. So sorry! --

 

Mr. Lucky: Really... thanks for jumping in there for me. That was much appreciated.

 

jennie-jennie: I have to try to fix this.

 

seren: I am profoundly grateful to you for sharing your personal experience with me. This is what I need... what i came here for. Personal experience says so much more.

 

AlektraClementine: I do feel like I have cheated. You are correct. Also, I wanted to mention that our communication overall is healthy. This has been the one "true" topic we just could never get to.

 

Green: You are dead on. I agree with everything in your post. Your thoughts on the masturbation were especially appreciated.

 

MSUE, christinasponias, quankanne: Thank you for the thoughtful posts. I wish I had more time to respond.

 

A lot of the other comments were "crosstalk", which certainly don't need my comments

 

Thank you again, everyone. I haven't even heard of this kind of support for others in an online setting. I can't thank you all enough.

[Green]

So you really wanted a kid. Well now you have one and if you don't reprogram you mind its all going to end up bad. I'm glad you realise porn is a problem. I try not to look at porn, because when I do it just gets me hornier and hornier like an avalanche... you know it builds upon itself and masturbation doesn't relieve it that good. But if you stop subjecting yourself to the images you'll get a more natural hornyness and sex will better get rid of your hornyness then masterbating. The best way you can pressure your wife to get in shape is to get in shape yourself. Being really skinny is repulsive to women... well some women... I guess some find it really hot... Just like there are alot of men who like a thick woman. If you yourself focus your energy on gettting in shape I gaurantee your wife will at minum want to get in shape... and the secret to getting in shape is never giving up. seriously if your wife had just stuck with it she would have slowly got better. Its not like an all at once thing that happens all at once. Finaly its your mindset that is the problem take your wife out of the equation. If you want to leave then leave, if you want to stay then stay, and don't feel sorry for yourself. If you break up with your wife you will not be able to get some magical attractive girl, and if you do the attraction could be fleating cause she could get fat, she could get mean... you know people change as you travel through time. In many ways you have to program your mind, think what you want to think. Sex with my gf gets boring to some times, but I just think up dirty games in my head. Like some times I pertend that my gf was good so I'm giving it to her as a treat (I think up mentle perversions that only I know about to make the sex more fun for me) also try to have sex atleast 3 or 4 times a week. you know like every other day, or no more then 2 days with out sex. Seriously even if your wife isn't in the mood just talk her into it. I made it the best game, trying to schedule out my sex. Finaly start thinking of her as really hot. Like look at a celebrity and say to yourself my wifes hotter then that, and believe it. Imagine the single women out there as gross. Just do this sill stuff till things get better

[giotto]

stop reading books and pay more attention to your wife...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Typesafe.... Thanks for the update. I appreciate your honesty and understand your questions, pain and confusion. I retract the "doomed", but certainly hope you think long and hard of what you want from life, and what is best.

 

I will because I have to run, disagree vehemently that porn destroys your soul and masturbation is bad. This is a separate subject that I will comment on.

 

What you need to focus on and discuss with a professional is your need for love that you discuss is profound and began @ age 11.

 

 

Later....

[giotto]

and I would like to add that it seems to me that you planned your marriage and your kid in the same way you trained yourself to stick to books and masturbation... you are rationalising too much and you've lost the ability to love any other person than yourself... it's a good self-defence mechanism, but that's all it is...

[stillafool]

Here goes a fairly typical story, I presume. However, I am truly lost right now and would appreciate any feedback from the community.

 

I am 26 years old and married my wife when I was 22. We now have a 7 month old son... the most beautiful baby boy ever. The wife is five years older than me and has been a wonderful partner. I love her dearly. I couldn't imagine a more fitting mother of my child. She is a strong woman.

 

However, I am losing my attraction to her. Each year that has passed since we have gotten together, we have learned to compromise and love each other more, and at the same time our sex lives become more barren. Before we decided to have a child, we probably had sex a few times in that last year. This is mainly due to two things: 1) I am losing my attraction to her, and 2) she will not be "sexy" and never initiates sex. I usually just break down after months of no sex (and I have a ferocious sexual appetite.) When I break down, I'll finally just focus on her breasts which is pretty much the only thing that can turn me on. When I do this, she knows "it's time to have sex", and we get it over with. Then we go about our lives again.

 

I've known this is a big problem. We've both acknowledged that we have "sex problems", however I cannot be completely honest with her about why. I keep repressing it. It seems impossible to fix. I cannot go to my love and say "I am not attracted to you anymore."

 

I have thought about trying even harder to be attractive myself (going to the gym more often, etc.) in hopes that she will want to follow my example. But I have low hopes for this.

 

Now I have become a lowly stereotype of a male who now ogles at women everywhere around me. I masturbate daily to cope. The wife knows I masturbate regularly (although it is a very private affair for me) and she feels like it must just be a normal guy thing.

 

But I realized the other night just how dangerous this situation is. I had a "night out" with my siblings (it was my sister's birthday). The wife stayed at home while I went out. After a couple of drinks, I could barely control myself. At one point I was dancing with a total bombshell of a girl (who is friends with my sis... just met her that night) and we started groping each other. I finally had to say "I'm so sorry. I would LOVE to continue this, but I'm married." And even though I felt ashamed of falling into such a pitiful stereotype, I felt like an animal! I felt like I could barely control it. If that girl had continued dancing/groping with me, I would have had a harder and harder time saying "no." I now realize just how dangerous of a line I'm walking.

 

I really don't know what to do. I am a new (and VERY proud) father. However, our relationship has also been very strained by the new stresses of being parents on top of everything else in life.

 

Sexually, I feel like I'm going to explode. Being married since 22, and being married to someone I'm losing attraction to, I just feel like my youth is being robbed. I feel so selfish saying these things and I really don't feel comfortable discussing these things with people I know. Thus this forum is the place where I'm turning.

 

It's nice reading some other posts here at loveshack and seeing that maybe I'm just human and not a creep. But where do I go from here? I feel very lost and depressed. Thank you all for taking the time to read this.

 

 

I think you should tell your wife you aren't attracted to her anymore. No matter what the reasons are you just aren't attracted to her. If you were my husband I would want to know this. Who knows, she may not be attracted to you anymore either. I think you both are too young to live the rest of your lives with people you no longer feel attraction for. Your wife deserves to be with a man who finds her attractive and wants her sexually. Seriously, tell your wife how you feel.

[stillafool]

 

 

mem11363: Your second post caught me off gaurd. Your guess about our financial situation was wrong, but your intuition was dead on. Algthough I'm the (sole) breadwinner, the idea of her not having me to rely on financially is a thought I couldn't bear. The thought of leaving her out on her own feels like that would be one of my biggest failures. I've read that many men get a large part of a sense of meaning in their life from "providing" for their loved ones. That is certainly the case for me. So your intuition about staying in a marriage for financial security was actually eerily correct.

 

.

 

You won't be leaving her on her own as the courts will surely make you pay.

[mem11363]

With masturbation. Zero. Totally harmless activity.

 

Porn - I think it is different for everyone. I grew up reading the LOTR. I always wondered what Tolkien meant by the side effect of wearing the ring too long. How it messed the ring bearer up. Porn did that to me. And also I did not like the stuff that I "liked".

 

 

 

Typesafe.... Thanks for the update. I appreciate your honesty and understand your questions, pain and confusion. I retract the "doomed", but certainly hope you think long and hard of what you want from life, and what is best.

 

I will because I have to run, disagree vehemently that porn destroys your soul and masturbation is bad. This is a separate subject that I will comment on.

 

What you need to focus on and discuss with a professional is your need for love that you discuss is profound and began @ age 11.

 

 

Later....

[Green]

With masturbation. Zero. Totally harmless activity.

 

Porn - I think it is different for everyone. I grew up reading the LOTR. I always wondered what Tolkien meant by the side effect of wearing the ring too long. How it messed the ring bearer up. Porn did that to me. And also I did not like the stuff that I "liked".

 

haha great anology. yeah you look at porn long enough your going to start liking some sick stuff. I've been porn free all week and seriously after this thread I don't ever want to see porn again... ok I do want to see it but I'll fight the urge. By the way ladies reading this thread, I count dirty romance novels as a form of porn... maybe not as bad as watching a gang bang.... but still porn

[giotto]

You know, when you were explaining your wiring, your experiences with women, your self esteem issues when young, and your tendency to get lost in your own thoughts... I thought of my husband. He, like you, is an intellectual. A thinker. You, a software architect. My husband is an engineer.

 

He lived in his thoughts. Super intelligent. Thought he was a nerd/geek most of his younger years. Was thin. Well, the similarities simply go on and on.

 

But I'll get to my point. He realized after crashing and burning time and time again that he resided too much within his own head. That combined with withdrawing sexually from rejection when younger created a nightmare when the gasoline (porn) was thrown on the raging fire of emotional vacancy. Porn wrapped its slimy tentacles around his mind... and set up shop. It became more real to him than flesh and blood. I encountered a website created by a monk who addressed the issues of porn and their assault on the male psyche and emotions. It was an eye opener in that it simplified the damage and made it easy to understand.

 

When you are a person who is comfortable lost in your own mind, porn is your gasoline. You have to move out of your mind and learn how to engage yourself physically. This can only be done by going cold turkey on all of the autoerotic activities. Cold turkey. You have wired your brain in such a way that you have found your mind to be a comfortable place to reside. Now, you have to come out of your comfort zone and use that very same discipline to force yourself out of it. Train yourself.

 

The monk stated quite plainly that the images train the mind (no differently than an athlete trains muscles) to react to certain stimulus. The women in porn generally have a similar 'look' and to the extent that some may differ their conduct... the strategy of the porn is the same. It has the same mental/brain tempo so to speak.

 

You've trained yourself to respond to those shapes faces and sounds. Your wife doesn't groom herself that way and may not resemble them physically. So for all intent and purposes perhaps in your brain's wiring she is no longer perceived as a woman. Since she does not 'respond' to the brain's construct porn created, developed, and nurtured.

 

That's why you can't see these photos/images any longer. Because insofar as they are rewiring your brain ... your brain is also 'learning' to respond sexually to 2d images. This is different (you know) than 3d in every way. You've created neuropathways in your brain that now sees 2d as the sexual stimulus. This ruins you for flesh and blood women... all women. In fact, you might even find that if your wife even looked like one of the porn stars you still wouldn't respond. Because... 2d fits into your thoughts... fantasy... brain... intellect. You have to now try to rewire yourself.

 

Living inside of one's thoughts can become a land of isolation. It took my husband cheating after 13 years of marriage to finally come to terms with the prison he created for himself.

 

You may have ventured into the land of sexual dysfunction via a form of sexual addiction. Addictive compulsive behavior patterns. You will not benefit from a therapist... at least not a garden variety therapist. You will perhaps save yourself a lifetime of grief and open the doors to true happiness and fulfillment if you see a psychologist who specializes in sexual addiction and dysfunction. Because, that is where you are right now.

 

You mean well in your heart. You're perhaps just in over your head and struggling for solutions to questions that... defy you. And, when you live in your mind that is almost intolerable. You owe it to yourself, your wife and your baby to find the life skills you need to find true happiness.

 

For some men porn becomes a one way ticket to sexual isolation and loneliness. You deserve better than that.

 

I wish you... with all sincerity... that you find the road that leads you to happiness.

 

this is interesting, because for me porn is exactly the contrary. I'm very attracted to my wife physically and her rejections pushed me to view porn, but I was looking for women who actually resembled her and her physical shape... and porn was never the substitute for the 3D model...

[mem11363]

I really wish I could say that I gave up the porn on some moral grounds. Sadly I don't think that is true. I think my drive finally slowed enough that my wife and I could be sexual often enough for me to not grind my teeth in frustration and not so often that she found my demands tiresome.

 

Because even into my late thirties I had a strong desire for daily release. And while my wife was "reluctantly" willing to roll in the sheets that often, I did not want a reluctant partner. So about half the time we connected (with no reluctance ) in the flesh and the other half the time I watched laptop movies. And she didn't like that I did that - but I think she saw it as the lessor of two evils. If I had to do it all over again I would try harder to just accept the every other day thing back then - recognizing that deferred sex is more intense, more emotionally bonding sex.

 

 

 

 

You know, when you were explaining your wiring, your experiences with women, your self esteem issues when young, and your tendency to get lost in your own thoughts... I thought of my husband. He, like you, is an intellectual. A thinker. You, a software architect. My husband is an engineer.

 

He lived in his thoughts. Super intelligent. Thought he was a nerd/geek most of his younger years. Was thin. Well, the similarities simply go on and on.

 

But I'll get to my point. He realized after crashing and burning time and time again that he resided too much within his own head. That combined with withdrawing sexually from rejection when younger created a nightmare when the gasoline (porn) was thrown on the raging fire of emotional vacancy. Porn wrapped its slimy tentacles around his mind... and set up shop. It became more real to him than flesh and blood. I encountered a website created by a monk who addressed the issues of porn and their assault on the male psyche and emotions. It was an eye opener in that it simplified the damage and made it easy to understand.

 

When you are a person who is comfortable lost in your own mind, porn is your gasoline. You have to move out of your mind and learn how to engage yourself physically. This can only be done by going cold turkey on all of the autoerotic activities. Cold turkey. You have wired your brain in such a way that you have found your mind to be a comfortable place to reside. Now, you have to come out of your comfort zone and use that very same discipline to force yourself out of it. Train yourself.

 

The monk stated quite plainly that the images train the mind (no differently than an athlete trains muscles) to react to certain stimulus. The women in porn generally have a similar 'look' and to the extent that some may differ their conduct... the strategy of the porn is the same. It has the same mental/brain tempo so to speak.

 

You've trained yourself to respond to those shapes faces and sounds. Your wife doesn't groom herself that way and may not resemble them physically. So for all intent and purposes perhaps in your brain's wiring she is no longer perceived as a woman. Since she does not 'respond' to the brain's construct porn created, developed, and nurtured.

 

That's why you can't see these photos/images any longer. Because insofar as they are rewiring your brain ... your brain is also 'learning' to respond sexually to 2d images. This is different (you know) than 3d in every way. You've created neuropathways in your brain that now sees 2d as the sexual stimulus. This ruins you for flesh and blood women... all women. In fact, you might even find that if your wife even looked like one of the porn stars you still wouldn't respond. Because... 2d fits into your thoughts... fantasy... brain... intellect. You have to now try to rewire yourself.

 

Living inside of one's thoughts can become a land of isolation. It took my husband cheating after 13 years of marriage to finally come to terms with the prison he created for himself.

 

You may have ventured into the land of sexual dysfunction via a form of sexual addiction. Addictive compulsive behavior patterns. You will not benefit from a therapist... at least not a garden variety therapist. You will perhaps save yourself a lifetime of grief and open the doors to true happiness and fulfillment if you see a psychologist who specializes in sexual addiction and dysfunction. Because, that is where you are right now.

 

You mean well in your heart. You're perhaps just in over your head and struggling for solutions to questions that... defy you. And, when you live in your mind that is almost intolerable. You owe it to yourself, your wife and your baby to find the life skills you need to find true happiness.

 

For some men porn becomes a one way ticket to sexual isolation and loneliness. You deserve better than that.

 

I wish you... with all sincerity... that you find the road that leads you to happiness.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I really wish I could say that I gave up the porn on some moral grounds. Sadly I don't think that is true. I think my drive finally slowed enough that my wife and I could be sexual often enough for me to not grind my teeth in frustration and not so often that she found my demands tiresome.

 

Because even into my late thirties I had a strong desire for daily release. And while my wife was "reluctantly" willing to roll in the sheets that often, I did not want a reluctant partner. So about half the time we connected (with no reluctance ) in the flesh and the other half the time I watched laptop movies. And she didn't like that I did that - but I think she saw it as the lessor of two evils. If I had to do it all over again I would try harder to just accept the every other day thing back then - recognizing that deferred sex is more intense, more emotionally bonding sex.

 

Of course the flesh is more intense and emotionally bonding, but if you have porn available and used sporadically or as you did mem, I see no issues and it actually enhancing your connection with your spouse as frankly you are not bothering her.

 

I'd say the same to a woman who needs to use toys when masturbating if her spouse is not able to keep up......

[Jersey Shortie]

stop reading books and pay more attention to your wife...

 

Best. Line. Ever.

[seoa]

...No matter what the reasons are you just aren't attracted to her. If you were my husband I would want to know this.

 

....Your wife deserves to be with a man who finds her attractive and wants her sexually. Seriously, tell your wife how you feel.

 

Only do this if you want to end the relationship...! If you put into words what she's already well aware of, she will *never* be able to let it go completely... And it will absolutely harm your chances of more sex with her if those words are running through her mind...

 

Go with the "I'd like us to be more connected, and that includes sex" that others have suggested...

 

I agree with what Lovely10 says about porn re-wiring your brain so that your wife doesn't stand a chance, even if she did lose the weight... Lose the porn!

 

My last bf had issues with my weight (I'm a healthy weight for my age - he had similar single-too-long /porn issues) - I found it funny that when he made me feel attractive, I wanted to tone up a bit, maybe lose a little weight (I could go down one dress size and still be in my healthy range), so that I could feel even *more* attractive - when he was critical I got passive agressive about "he ought to like me as I am" etc...

 

He didn't understand it until I equated it to his business... what would he find more effective - if I focussed on all the negatives (not earning enough, no potential) or if I praised the good things... Then he got it...!

 

And he was always told by his doctor to put on weight - it took a while for me to convince him that if he fed me the same foods he cooked for that purpose then... erm... he might find I put on weight... Idiot

[Jersey Shortie]

This is interesting, because for me porn is exactly the contrary. I'm very attracted to my wife physically and her rejections pushed me to view porn, but I was looking for women who actually resembled her and her physical shape... and porn was never the substitute for the 3D model...

 

I have to say that it's nice for a rare change to hear that there are men out there that when their wife wasn't giving them sex, were actually seeking out women that looked like his own wife instead of what most men seem to want in variety of many women.

[giotto]

I have to say that it's nice for a rare change to hear that there are men out there that when their wife wasn't giving them sex, were actually seeking out women that looked like his own wife instead of what most men seem to want in variety of many women.

 

cheers! But I wasn't "seeking other women", I only wanted my wife... the porn thing helped in the darkest times, but I still wanted to make love to the real thing...

[Sassy]

You have to remember just why you fell in love.. What was it that attracted you to her? Masturbating and getting your rocks off looking at woman sure isn't going to help u.

 

Do you look at porn? I had a baby 14mths ago , she was 10 pds 13 oz 22 1/2 inches long !! I sure hell wasn't thinking of sex nor was my h.

 

She tore me a new one. I can sympathize with her!! There is more to a marriage than sex!!

 

My h and I have been together since I was 19 . We been together a total of 17yrs married 12. Marriage is what you make of it !!

 

How about talking with your wife and see what she is feeling ? She could be expierencing pp. I agree for better or worst.. You took the vows to love,honor and cherish. How about going to counseling ? We been to couseling and it was a God sent !!

 

The number one of cause of divorce in this world is not having God in your life. My h and I have been some very trying times. We lost two babies in between my second daughter .. Don't get me wrong our marriage hasn't been perfect but we stuck it out!

 

I know you say you love your family and want to work it out,but it takes two to make a marriage. Instead of being on here why aren't you asking her. Communication is the key to a great marriage. I recommend you reading this book Five Love languages by Gary Smalley .

 

Great book this book saved my marriage . You have to know her love language as well as she know yours ! There is a test in there you take as a couple. Again not bashing you just want to help . Good luck.

[JumpinJimmy]

............

[Jersey Shortie]

cheers! But I wasn't "seeking other women", I only wanted my wife... the porn thing helped in the darkest times, but I still wanted to make love to the real thing...

 

Yeah...welll, I'll say it again. It's a rare and nice thing for a change to see a man that actually wants his wife instead of everything woman that isn't his wife plus.

[giotto]

Yeah...welll, I'll say it again. It's a rare and nice thing for a change to see a man that actually wants his wife instead of everything woman that isn't his wife plus.

 

well, I did marry my ideal woman... shame I'm not her ideal man anymore...

[typesafe]

Hey Everybody. It has been a couple of weeks since my original post and I wanted to update everyone. First, let me say that the past two weeks (although a very short period of time) has been a huge eye opener for me. Lovely10's post in particular cemented my resolve to not look at porn. And I'm proud to say that I have not looked at porn in two weeks (I'm sure people are rolling their eyes to this, but it was a big deal for me). I took [almost ] everyone's advice to heart. I started dressing sexier for the wife and made more efforts to flirt and be romantic. And since I wasn't masturbating, it didn't take long for me to really get naturally turned on and she noticed. After the first week, we got a babysitter for a night while we went to a wedding. We had [really good] sex right before the wedding and again afterwards. Earlier in the day I had mentioned to her that I wasn't masturbating. She wondered why and, without going into details (it was a little awkward for me to talk about just then), I just mentioned that I felt like it was harming our relationship. As the night wore on (and after our second time having sex in the same night... which is not something that has happened in a long time) she joked about how not masturbating is going to turn me into a sex maniac. But she was really happy, and so was I. As we laid there in bed, I opened up with her. I confessed to how much I was depending on porn for my sexual needs and how much I felt like that was damaging our sex life. I told her that I felt like it was very important for us to feel attractive for one another and to that end I promised her I would make a better effort to be attractive. (She in turn said she felt the same way.) The more I talked the more she understood and the better I felt. Then she started to open up with me and said that she had resorted to masturbating far more often than I had originally thought. She even thought that I was just not a sexual guy. She thought I was "asexual"! I apologized to her for letting things get so bad. By the time the week was over I had realized that I was feeling more attracted to my wife and that she also was feeling more attractive! I've realized that my first post was so skewed, I really had no idea just how much I was the problem. Granted, there are some issues that we must both share responsibility for, but I am convinced right now that my heavy reliance on porn was killing us.

 

Throughout the next week we didn't get much time alone because of various circumstances, however we had sex again today, and it was awesome. She's told me 5 times this week how happy she is that I opened up to her about my sex issues. She wishes I had told her a long time ago (and I do too).

 

Anyways, I just wanted to give an update to the community. What I thought were attraction issues were really other issues deep seated within myself. I can't thank everyone enough for their input and for opening my eyes to this.

 

This may only be the beginning, and perhaps only "baby steps" have been made. But I felt like we made a lot of progress in that one night that I opened up to her.

[Kamille]

Wow! That sounds great Typesafe! Thank you so much for updating us and way to go!

[Sassy]

Glad to hear that Typesafe!!I am so happy that you are making things work .. Team work with communication makes a Great marriage!! Congrats on working things through!!