Love my wife, but not attracted to her.

[jennie-jennie]

Here goes a fairly typical story, I presume. However, I am truly lost right now and would appreciate any feedback from the community.

 

I am 26 years old and married my wife when I was 22. We now have a 7 month old son... the most beautiful baby boy ever. The wife is five years older than me and has been a wonderful partner. I love her dearly. I couldn't imagine a more fitting mother of my child. She is a strong woman.

 

However, I am losing my attraction to her. Each year that has passed since we have gotten together, we have learned to compromise and love each other more, and at the same time our sex lives become more barren. Before we decided to have a child, we probably had sex a few times in that last year. This is mainly due to two things: 1) I am losing my attraction to her, and 2) she will not be "sexy" and never initiates sex. I usually just break down after months of no sex (and I have a ferocious sexual appetite.) When I break down, I'll finally just focus on her breasts which is pretty much the only thing that can turn me on. When I do this, she knows "it's time to have sex", and we get it over with. Then we go about our lives again.

 

I've known this is a big problem. We've both acknowledged that we have "sex problems", however I cannot be completely honest with her about why. I keep repressing it. It seems impossible to fix. I cannot go to my love and say "I am not attracted to you anymore."

 

I have thought about trying even harder to be attractive myself (going to the gym more often, etc.) in hopes that she will want to follow my example. But I have low hopes for this.

 

Now I have become a lowly stereotype of a male who now ogles at women everywhere around me. I masturbate daily to cope. The wife knows I masturbate regularly (although it is a very private affair for me) and she feels like it must just be a normal guy thing.

 

But I realized the other night just how dangerous this situation is. I had a "night out" with my siblings (it was my sister's birthday). The wife stayed at home while I went out. After a couple of drinks, I could barely control myself. At one point I was dancing with a total bombshell of a girl (who is friends with my sis... just met her that night) and we started groping each other. I finally had to say "I'm so sorry. I would LOVE to continue this, but I'm married." And even though I felt ashamed of falling into such a pitiful stereotype, I felt like an animal! I felt like I could barely control it. If that girl had continued dancing/groping with me, I would have had a harder and harder time saying "no." I now realize just how dangerous of a line I'm walking.

 

I really don't know what to do. I am a new (and VERY proud) father. However, our relationship has also been very strained by the new stresses of being parents on top of everything else in life.

 

Sexually, I feel like I'm going to explode. Being married since 22, and being married to someone I'm losing attraction to, I just feel like my youth is being robbed. I feel so selfish saying these things and I really don't feel comfortable discussing these things with people I know. Thus this forum is the place where I'm turning.

 

It's nice reading some other posts here at loveshack and seeing that maybe I'm just human and not a creep. But where do I go from here? I feel very lost and depressed. Thank you all for taking the time to read this.

 

You have a high sex drive but are not attracted to your wife. In fact you prefer masturbating to having sex with her.

 

She does not seem to have an interest in sex. Seems like she has a low sex drive.

 

I would say you are sexually incompatible based on this sparse information. Coming from someone who has lived in a sexually incompatible relationship, there is no fix, get out of there. It will only get worse. Find someone who enjoys sex as much as you do. The frustration will just keep on building otherwise. You can't change her, she is who she is, she doesn't seem to care very much for sex.

 

Also whatever sex drive she had is probably gone knowing that you will rather masturbate than have sex with her.

 

Sorry for being harsh, but I have just lived too long under the premises above.

[mem11363]

Mr. Lucky, Seems like many, many of the female posters simply want to ignore this guys comment that this problem was "severe" before the child - in fact before the pregnancy.

 

Do the women on LS really think that a woman married to a guy in his mid twenties can realistically expect the relationship to survive long term when they are only having sex a "few times a year" before she even gets pregnant?

 

In fact, if you reverse the genders and if it was one of my daughters in the marriage I would tell her to RUN like hell to court and get divorced. Because if the man in his mid twenties only wants you a couple times a year something is seriously wrong and you are at greatly increased risk of getting a disease or having them surprise you at a bad time with a divorce request.

 

 

 

 

 

I guess it's so tempting to have a male target in your sights that some posters don't even bother to read and comprehend his posts. What knee-jerk, cliched and unfortunately here on LS too common responses to a guy struggling with a real issue. Must be his fault, right? Damn...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jennie-jennie]

Mr. Lucky, Seems like many, many of the female posters simply want to ignore this guys comment that this problem was "severe" before the child - in fact before the pregnancy.

 

Do the women on LS really think that a woman married to a guy in his mid twenties can realistically expect the relationship to survive long term when they are only having sex a "few times a year" before she even gets pregnant?

 

In fact, if you reverse the genders and if it was one of my daughters in the marriage I would tell her to RUN like hell to court and get divorced. Because if the man in his mid twenties only wants you a couple times a year something is seriously wrong and you are at greatly increased risk of getting a disease or having them surprise you at a bad time with a divorce request.

 

Neither of the parties in this marriage seem to want sex with the other. Where do you even start to repair such a marriage?

[EsmerKiss7]

I have to agree with Mr. Lucky and Mem, it's a two way street. Although saying he wants more sex sounds shallow it's still a basic need each one of us has, it's unfair to not respect that. Just because they have a child now doesn't mean that sex should just go out the window. This relationship does need that compromise to work. I commend the fact that he is willing to stay and work things out instead of straight up leaving her or cheating.

[seren]

Everyday life, stress, the mundane day to day things that can get in the way of the thrill of early days and the feeling comfortable with each other can all help to take the gloss off a relationship. Once began and not addressed it just becomes the norm and we forget who we once were and that we thrilled to be with each other. When H and I were first married we vowed that at least one night a month we would have an US night (that's us as in we) our son went to his Nanas and I made a menu (sometimes just chicken salad) and bought wine. We dressed as though going out somewhere nice, lit candles, danced and learned to try and keep the connection and remember who we were - not husband, wife, Mum, Dad, just Seren and H. It helped to keep the romance alive.

 

At some point we drifted and our nights got lost along the way and although we loved we had fallen out of lust. I was capable wife and he was busy H. At one point we talked about divorce and I longed for passion, romance and sex. BUT we had stopped that side of our lives, we no longer cuddled on the sofa, had separate chairs and we were far too comfy. H had an affair, he told me it was because he thought I didn't want him and that he wasn't good enough anymore. truth was I adored him, but we had become stale and stuck. We worked it out and feel so bloody angry with ourselves that we hadn't made more effort to keep the sparkle. We both thought we weren't fancied, we have been together for 21 years and now that we have sorted out what is important will never allow life to rob us of our sparkle again.

 

Have you thought about why you are no longer attracted to her? To live in a marriage without attraction would, IMHO be very, very difficult and the longer it goes on the more normal it becomes. If you can and want to change it, try showing in little ways that you care that you love her. try talking (wish we had) an A really is not the answer, my H feels so, so bad about what he did and it hurts like hell.

[MSUE]

Do the women on LS really think that a woman married to a guy in his mid twenties can realistically expect the relationship to survive long term when they are only having sex a "few times a year" before she even gets pregnant?

 

 

I'm one of those who don't agree with most of the girls comments around here about this guy...I'm not sure why they would have a baby before addressing other issues and solidify the relationship first...unless the pregnancy was an accident...

 

sex a few times a year is unacceptable i don't care how many pregnancies or drama or whatever...I'm 30 my BF is 25 same age and age difference as the OP they should both be at their peak...I'm surprised he hasn't cheated yet...sex is part of a marriage or any R for that matter...and its a bond and intimacy needed for any R to work...why be stuck in a sexless marriage? then its not a marriage is a friendship a partnership BFD a lot of women around here don't get it and throw rocks at the guys complaining about their needs not being met...c'mon seriously...they deserve to be heard too

[MSUE]

When H and I were first married we vowed that at least one night a month we would have an US night (that's us as in we) our son went to his Nanas and I made a menu (sometimes just chicken salad) and bought wine. We dressed as though going out somewhere nice, lit candles, danced and learned to try and keep the connection and remember who we were - not husband, wife, Mum, Dad, just Seren and H. It helped to keep the romance alive.

 

 

This is so so important to have that us night commitment specially when work and kids schedules are so hestic...its a shame you guys got caught up on other things and stopped but I'm so happy to hear you are back in track stronger than ever and committed to us time

[EsmerKiss7]

When H and I were first married we vowed that at least one night a month we would have an US night (that's us as in we) our son went to his Nanas and I made a menu (sometimes just chicken salad) and bought wine. We dressed as though going out somewhere nice, lit candles, danced and learned to try and keep the connection and remember who we were - not husband, wife, Mum, Dad, just Seren and H. It helped to keep the romance alive.

 

 

That is sooo Sweet and romantic

[Devil Inside]

OP....what was sex like before you got married?

[angie2443]

Mr. Lucky, Seems like many, many of the female posters simply want to ignore this guys comment that this problem was "severe" before the child - in fact before the pregnancy.

.

 

I didn't miss this one at all. It sounds kind of funny to me. So this guy, who was in a almost sexless marriage before the baby came, now is having an issue with it? Why didn't he divorce when their was no child (or any of the other excuses people use to stay married) to consider? It just doesn't add up to me. My guess is that this guy just doesn't like the responsibility of being a full time parent. He's not attracted to his wife because she's now a mother and he wants his pre-baby freedom back.

 

I still recommend divorce.

[whichwayisup]

No, they owe it to their child to give it their best before throwing in the towel. Counselling has to happen and together they have to try to salvage what's left. Honestly if the love is there, but just has been buried, it can be revived.

 

Divorce should be a last option, not the first.

[mem11363]

MSUE

Your comments are very helpful. Having intelligent female input makes a big difference.

 

 

 

This is so so important to have that us night commitment specially when work and kids schedules are so hestic...its a shame you guys got caught up on other things and stopped but I'm so happy to hear you are back in track stronger than ever and committed to us time

[Green]

I'll post again when I have more time, but please don't cheat on your wife. Respect yourself, you are more then an animal. You have not been robbed of anything

[giotto]

I'm not sure why they would have a baby before addressing other issues and solidify the relationship first...unless the pregnancy was an accident...

 

 

 

I was asking this myself as well... why have a baby?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I'll post again when I have more time, but please don't cheat on your wife. Respect yourself, you are more then an animal. You have not been robbed of anything

 

 

And raising a child in a caustic/unhealthy home is not a positive either. So equating sex to animals is your take on it? That to me is very sad.

[angie2443]

...I'm not sure why they would have a baby before addressing other issues and solidify the relationship first...unless the pregnancy was an accident...

 

He said something like "before we decided to have the baby, we had sex a few times that last year". Then he said one of the reasons was that he was loosing attraction to his wife. Sorry, it doesn't make sense to me. He's loosing attraction to his partner, not having much sex, but they decide to have a baby. Somethings missing in his post.

[angie2443]

And raising a child in a caustic/unhealthy home is not a positive either. So equating sex to animals is your take on it? That to me is very sad.

 

He can get a divorce! My father cheated on my mother. I wish they would have divorced a lot sooner than they did. Most adults who have had parents that have divorced, think the parents made the right decision.

[AlektraClementine]

I like the idea of letting her know that you want to reconnect with her as a lover. How is your emotional connection? How's the communication otherwise in the marriage?

 

I'd also like to bump a couple of over-looked, but important questions:

 

1 - What is it specifically that you are not attracted to? You said you like her breasts, but what about her body turns you off? Or is it the look on her face?

 

2 - What was the sex like prior to marriage? Was it frequent but non-exploratory? Was it exciting?

 

Just as an fyi from MY perspective only: If my fiance/future husband danced inappropriately with a "bombshell" at a club, I would feel as though he'd already cheated. Yes, we could most likely work through it...but that's how I'd feel.

[Mr. Lucky]

I didn't miss this one at all. It sounds kind of funny to me. So this guy, who was in a almost sexless marriage before the baby came, now is having an issue with it? Why didn't he divorce when their was no child (or any of the other excuses people use to stay married) to consider? It just doesn't add up to me. My guess is that this guy just doesn't like the responsibility of being a full time parent. He's not attracted to his wife because she's now a mother and he wants his pre-baby freedom back.

 

I still recommend divorce.

Why don't you make the blind assumption that it's because the wife has turned into a fat slob? Or that she's a frigid b*tch? You didn't assume either of those because, without the facts, neither would be fair to her and both would simply trade on trite stereotypes.

 

Lacking the key details, doesn't he deserve the same consideration and benefit of the doubt from you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - I agree that, with a child involved, the OP owes his best effort to fix the relationship. Others have suggested MC, makes good sense.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Why don't you make the blind assumption that it's because the wife has turned into a fat slob? Or that she's a frigid b*tch? You didn't assume either of those because, without the facts, neither would be fair to her and both would simply trade on trite stereotypes.

 

Sorry, but as a male, that is exactly the conclusion I jumped to. Difference is I didn't ask as bluntly..... Sorry if that makes me a bad person.

 

I've told my wife countless times to put on 30-40 lbs (and for that matter, stop having orgasms 95% of the time), and I promise I won't bother her as much for sex..... Sure I still will, but nowhere near as much.....

[angie2443]

Why don't you make the blind assumption that it's because the wife has turned into a fat slob? Or that she's a frigid b*tch? You didn't assume either of those because, without the facts, neither would be fair to her and both would simply trade on trite stereotypes.

 

Lacking the key details, doesn't he deserve the same consideration and benefit of the doubt from you ???

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Didn't mean to make you mad:). Anyways, in my experience, no one becomes a fat slob over night and no one becomes frigid over night. Something happens to trigger these things. The OP mentioned none. The one detail the OP gave me that is forming my opinion, is that he felt fine having his wife watch his child while he went out and had a sexual experience with another woman. I've been around too many of these men in my youth and, like I've said before, have otherwise seen this scenario played out over and over again in other couples. To me, it's too obvious what's going on in this situation.

 

To me, the fact that the sex was gone way before the baby came, but the OP didn't divorce or confront the issue then, says a lot.

[Green]

And raising a child in a caustic/unhealthy home is not a positive either. So equating sex to animals is your take on it? That to me is very sad.

 

You missed the point of my rushed post.

 

I'm going to make some suggestions others on here have yet to make. First off you should stop masturbating and looking at porn because you seem adicted. If you stoped this it would leave your wife as your only outlet and this would make you more attracted to her again and there for make her more attracted to you. If you leave your wife and start over again with a new girl you will encounter all these same problems again... if your lucky. If your unlucky you will face a string of tougher problems. The poster who sugested telling his wife he wanted to rekindle the romance was on the right track. You have a kid now, so it brings this all into a different realm of posible failure not to mention your married, u promised to love and care for this women for the rest of her life in sicness and in health... you know through the good times and the bad. And what your going through isn't even that bad. You can fix this and get your sex back. Good luck

[Kamille]

I've told my wife countless times to put on 30-40 lbs (and for that matter, stop having orgasms 95% of the time), and I promise I won't bother her as much for sex..... Sure I still will, but nowhere near as much.....

 

Too funny .

 

I wish the OP would come back and provide more details. We have very few and can only infer what as to what led to the demise of their sex-life. I somehow got the impression that his loss of attraction to her was provoked not so much by changes to her physical appearance but to changes in her approach to sexuality. She stopped being sexual with him so he eventually stopped feeling attracted to her. I got the impression that she gave up on that part of herself and their relationship. What we don't know is why she would give it up.

 

I feel like this is a chicken or the egg question: I think we can all agree that both partners are responsible for keeping the spark alive in a marriage and I don't see how assigning blame helps this couple at all.

 

I repeat, OP, check out The Sex-Starved marriage. I was the non-sexual partner in my first serious relationship and I wish I had read that book at the time to understand what was going on for both of us. It's the one book that helped me stop seeing my partner as selfish for feeling that sex was an important part of a relationship.

[Jersey Shortie]

I guess it's so tempting to have a male target in your sights that some posters don't even bother to read and comprehend his posts. What knee-jerk, cliched and unfortunately here on LS too common responses to a guy struggling with a real issue. Must be his fault, right? Damn...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No Mr. Lucky. I don't think it's completely his fault. She obviously has responsibilty in denying her husband intimacy. But maybe we can cut the woman with the 7 month year old baby that just carried it around for 9months before that a bit of a break?

 

And I credit him with at least realizing how dangerious this situation is. However, fact remains he has a young family and was out groping his sister's friend while his wife was at home with the baby. Had she been the one out groping someone with her husband at home with the baby, I would think she was acting equally immature. Women struggle with their bodies 24/7. Especially when you have a baby it totally changes a woman's bodies. Some women luck out and it bounces right back. I realize that that's how men wish it to be. But the reality is that it unfortunetly isn't. If I had a husband that was looking at porn more regularly, eyeballing other women (women are never immune to noticing this), only able to focus on one part of my body to stomach having sex with me (again women can pick up on these vibes) and doing other things while I just had his baby and gained weight, I would feel pretty sexless and unlikely to start sex myself with him. I do not think he deserves to go without sex. That is unfair. And that is something that needs to be worked on. However, I don't think it's a justifcation for his actions. Or that he gets a free card just because he is coming here looking for help.

[MSUE]

OP...where are you?!?!?!?

 

 

there are so many questions being presented and very lil questions...whoever said getting fat and frigid doesn't happen overnight...you are right on...unless you are SHREK...:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

having children does not save a marriage!!!!

 

I don't geit it why after all the statistics and horror stories out there...some continue to believe they do...if you couldn't bang her before...banging her now will be even harder and maybe the fact that you do not feel wanted has made you lose attraction..."us time" is very important ...its so crucial in any R to make sure to have that regardless...no I don't have kids but I have 2 dogs and 2 cats...trust me its not easy work either...and my BF works like 70 hours a week with only sundays off...granted we both have high sex drives but we always make "us time"...sometimes I'll call him at work and let him know tonight its "us time"...nobody over...you have to keep the flame alive...and with so much exercise banging...trust me its easy to stay in shape...ok I'll shut up now as I realized I'm being a bit to naughty;)

 

people...embrace your R's...if the love is there things can work out regardless...but it takes patience, effort and most importantly communication...I don't know what she looked like before and or if there have been major changes in that dept...but there are ways of giving that hint wout insulting...take her shopping...don't have to spend a fortune but treat her and do dinner together...

 

It is not my place to tell you to divorce or not...that's your decision your problem...but I will tell you this if you do not find a way to "fix" this attraction ordeal you are just going to be another statistic...have you seen the ridiculous amount of threads around here lately...most of them start with something like this..."I'm stuck in a sexless marriage blah blah blah..."

somebody recently had that problem for 10 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 10 years he put up with that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lord...GOD help but but the most I can go wout its 3 days and by then I'm ready to explode:lmao::lmao:

 

 

sorry too naughty again