I am OM and she just broke up with me. Should I inform the husband?

[Owl]

Here's my thoughts.

 

Normally, I'd say if you want to tell him, tell him. Motivation is irrelevent, because in the end the best thing for everyone involved is getting the truth out there.

 

You've made up your mind not to tell..ok then.

 

But, since she's apparently decided to work on her marriage, then YOU need to step up and go completely NC with her.

 

Anything less than that, and you're not going to give her a fair shake at fixing things in their marriage. ANY contact will keep the emotional portion of the affair going.

 

Tell her that you respect what she's asked for, and as a result, you're going completely NC with her to let her rebuild her marriage.

 

And then...DO IT. Remove her from your IM/phone/etc...block her if you can.

 

Maintaining "just" a friendship after an affair is pretty much impossible, and will do nothing but prolong the pain you both feel.

[Dexter Morgan]

OMG! what a horrible thing to even think about. Move on with your own life and don't try to ruin other's

 

I see it the other way. Although it would be despicable for him to ONLY want to tell the husband for a need of revenge, if he told the H, he could be SAVING his life and what little precious years he has left on this earth.

 

Life with a cheater is no life at all. Although if he were to tell, his motives are simply despicable....but I believe the H has a right to know. I sure as hell would want to know. Because the truth will eventually come out, and when it does...the betrayed will realize how many years of life they wasted. Thats what happened to me, and I am angry at those that knew and didn't tell me. I could have saved 8 years of my life that I'll never get back.

 

So if someone would have told me, they would have saved me...not ruined me. Can't ruin what already sucks...whether one knows what is going on or not.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm not going to dispute what you feel regarding wanting to know. You may be more self-aware then most. I do want to bring up the point that not all can face the truth. I know a man who worked construction for many years, and his job took him out of state every week. He did come home every weekend to see his wife.

 

He left all their financial business up to his wife, just turned over the check. It makes sense because they were married and committed to each other, right?

 

Eventually, when he came home on the weekends, his friends tried to tell him his wife was having an affair while he was gone. He refused to believe it, and she said she was not, as well. However, they had a young daughter. The daughter finally spoke up, in an innocent manner, talking about this other man being at their home.

 

Finally, this man had doubts, stayed around when his wife thought he was away, and caught them in the act.

 

The point is, this man really did not want to know.

 

then I guess they'll just have to settle for the fact that they are married to a cheater after it happens over....and over again.

 

 

It has damaged him so much that he has not had a long-term relationship since

 

thats not necessarily a bad thing. I haven't been in one either. Because of my experience, I am more cautious and won't take sh#t off anyone. The first sign of something I don't like in the way of how she interacts with other men....I'm gone. I think its helped me to avoid women that will become a problem down the road. And I get to date around in the process.

 

 

 

and it has been 30+ years. Some people cannot handle the truth. I'm glad you are strong enough to, though.

 

Savannahruby

 

I am strong enough because I did find out. Otherwise I'd probably still be the unsuspecting husband that stays home with his kids while she goes out with her girlfriends.

[lkjh]

I don't read romance novels either and don't believe in that kind of "happy ending", I also don't like romantic, chick-flick movies. As far as having "responsibilities to all of the people around them", I do not believe that means that if one is in a marriage with a controlling, denigrating spouse, for example, where the love was killed-off long ago, they should stay because of the friends, bosses, families, i.e., adults.

 

These adults, if they truly love both parties in the couple, would be better off being concerned about each of them as individuals. If they are true friends and family to them, they will want their dear friends to be happy, even if that means it would be best for them to end the marriage. As adults they will get over it and support the decision, IMO.

 

Savannahruby

 

Your bold for example came after you made the claim of a loveless marriage.

[lkjh]

For all you know maybe she is about to start an affair with an HIV positive man seems pulled out of thin air to me. So, it is okay for you to hypothesize but if someone else posts an hypothesis, they are just

plain-old wrong in your book, it seems.

 

Are you that offended by the idea that an adult who wants to leave a marriage in which they are no longer happy does not have to stay to please friends, bosses, family? I'll post it again. If a person is snubbed by friends, bosses, and family for leaving a marriage, then they weren't very good friends, bosses, family to begin with.

 

If you can create and HIV postive man to argue a point, I can create this scenerio to make a point, as well. I clearly posted that I was posing an example in order to address your belief, which you posted in this thread, that a person has a responsibility to grown adults outside the marriage.

 

I'm not assuming anything about the woman, whereas you assume she is a wealthy cake-eater, another instance of you doing what you are accusing me of doing. We, in fact, know very little about this woman. She did not begin this thread. You're a trip!

 

Savannahruby

 

 

My assumptions of her ending up in another affair is based off information from this passage. She is a cheater and will continue to do so. She has cheated for years and did not get caught.

 

 

You assumed she is in a loveless marriage with absolutly no evidence of this. I assumed she is a wealthy cake eater because poor people don't go on on 3 day trips to Paris with their lovers leaving their family behind only to follow it up with a 8 day overseas family trip. Also, I called her a cake eater because she has had her OM on the side and family back home.

 

 

My assumptions were based off the passage when yours were made up to justify not telling the H. If you really can't see how this women will cheat again and she will, and if you can't see how financially it is possible that she not wealthy but the most likely outcome is the opposite then we must have read a different post from the OP.

[lkjh]

If someone is "snubbed" by friends and family I am not going to assume that their friends and family are bad people. I am sure they have their reasons. But someone who CHEATS and DOES NOT leave their marriage is a bad person. You keep trying to make it seem like this woman is being attacked for leaving her marriage when that is not true.

 

You example is completely made up and can not be applied to this case

[tami-chan]

As always I have no clue what you are talking about, but Im going to just assume that once again you are looking to start a argument because you are bored

 

Of course you know what I am talking about....

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

OP, it is good that you have decided not to tell. The burden of revealing the truth lies in the MW. Besides, how do you know what the couple's conversations are these days? You are not privy to that. Just because YOU believe that the husband has not been told the truth does not make it so....or maybe in MW's own time she will have the courage to tell the truth---it really does not matter...it is just not your place.

 

HOWEVER, I do agree that should the BH come to you and ask....then tell the truth.

[michaeL_yyy]

She will never tell him.

Tonight I went to a gym and she was there. We exchanged few words. She is in visible pain. Probably I am too. And she told me that at home she is busy with kids and daily routine, so it is ok. But H asked her what's wrong and she gave him the usual "I am tired"... And she told me that today she dialed my number but she didn't press the call button.

On the other hand, I am angry again. How can life go on like nothing happened?

[grogster]

She will never tell him.

Tonight I went to a gym and she was there. We exchanged few words. She is in visible pain. Probably I am too. And she told me that at home she is busy with kids and daily routine, so it is ok. But H asked her what's wrong and she gave him the usual "I am tired"... And she told me that today she dialed my number but she didn't press the call button.

On the other hand, I am angry again. How can life go on like nothing happened?

 

Life must proceed, as far as you're concerned, like nothing happened. Why? To let that marriage and family survive. So those kids can have parents who both share the same house, bed and life.

 

It's not much in the grand scheme of things. But it's the beginning of your redemption. You must cut her out of your life--completely. Change your gym membership if at all feasible. You're both still too raw to think and act for anyone's benefit but your own.

 

Let the affair fog lift, learn to live without her and move on with your life.

[tami-chan]

Its irrelevant to his original question of if he should tell and as to the "why" should he.

 

Its good, for him, to decide for himself not to tell and hopefully to move on.

 

But that fact that he was thinking about it in the first place was only because he wanted revenge. Fact is, he still wanted that revenge, he just chose not to actually do it.

 

so it is relevant to his own well being that he came to a decision. Its irrelevant as to his motive for wanting to tell in the first place.

 

 

It's ok to think about revenge. All betrayed individuals think about revenge in varying degrees-or in one form or another at some point in their betrayed lives. To act on it, is a totally different ballgame. OP, like many of us, needs to work on this issue-channel the negative into something constructive....learn to let go and move on.....

[mourningMM]

the fact that children are involved

 

I think Savannahruby has it right when she mentions the children. Here's a question....

 

How would you feel if YOUR parents heard that you'd intentionally tried to make a bad situation worse and HURT TWO CHILDREN.

 

 

If you were drinking, and saw someone who was drinking driving with another person, who might be sober...would you jump in their car and distract them in traffic if two kids were in the back seat? What you and she had, if it was like most affairs, was an addiction and a reaction to her problems.

 

Affairs are sexy, affairs are self-limiting, affairs give the two participants a fantasy world in a very hum-drum life....and affairs cause damage.

 

I've seen the damage that they can cause from all sides; and I know that the best thing a person can do is walk away in good concience....minimizing damage all way round.

 

I wish you strenght, luck, and a fast recovery. Honestly, now that she isn't clouding your view, you might find that the sights out here in the single world are pretty good....45 is YOUNG...and there are lots of single women looking for nice men.

 

Be a nice man.

[lkjh]

Of course you know what I am talking about....

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

OP, it is good that you have decided not to tell. The burden of revealing the truth lies in the MW. Besides, how do you know what the couple's conversations are these days? You are not privy to that. Just because YOU believe that the husband has not been told the truth does not make it so....or maybe in MW's own time she will have the courage to tell the truth---it really does not matter...it is just not your place.

 

HOWEVER, I do agree that should the BH come to you and ask....then tell the truth.

 

 

As always I really have no clue what you are talking about

[tami-chan]

She will never tell him.

Tonight I went to a gym and she was there. We exchanged few words. She is in visible pain. Probably I am too. And she told me that at home she is busy with kids and daily routine, so it is ok. But H asked her what's wrong and she gave him the usual "I am tired"... And she told me that today she dialed my number but she didn't press the call button.

On the other hand, I am angry again. How can life go on like nothing happened?

 

You do not think it is true that she IS tired? You do not think it is tiring to carry the burden of guilt day in and day out?

 

Block her number.

[grogster]

As always I really have no clue what you are talking about

 

 

I thought it was just me.

[tami-chan]

I thought it was just me.

 

ikjh knows....he lied about me saying that I support a poster for cheating...and I told him, post a quote that I said this and he couldn't...because it was a lie...when he said he does not know what I am saying..he is AGAIN, lying because he does. At least, he is not a cheat...

 

Watch him respond to this ...and remember...lol...

[seibert253]

You do not think it is true that she IS tired? You do not think it is tiring to carry the burden of guilt day in and day out?

 

Block her number.

 

Have to agree with Tami here. She's 100% right. The scary thing is, it seems this guilt is eventually going to lead to the destruction of this marriage.

 

Time to move, dude you can do better.

[lkjh]

ikjh knows....he lied about me saying that I support a poster for cheating...and I told him, post a quote that I said this and he couldn't...because it was a lie...when he said he does not know what I am saying..he is AGAIN, lying because he does. At least, he is not a cheat...

 

Watch him respond to this ...and remember...lol...

 

I can only assume you are talking about one of your many post where you tried to blame the BS instead of the cheater, which is something you always do

 

You are a supporter for cheaters, most of your post back up lying and cheating and bash the BS. If you want to go through your old post and check them out go ahead.

[tami-chan]

I can only assume you are talking about one of your many post where you tried to blame the BS instead of the cheater, which is something you always do

 

You are a supporter for cheaters, most of your post back up lying and cheating and bash the BS. If you want to go through your old post and check them out go ahead.

 

MOST eh? really...you said that because when I support the BS or don;t support an AP you do not acknowledge it...the only post you notice about is the post that goes against you....like say, when you treat another poster like dirt and use offensive language because she is not living the life according to your morality and guess what? for someone who has not been on either side, you really preach like you know what it is like....you are not even married , right?

 

I am not in the mood right now to argue with you nor continue this..not because I can't but because I was just reading about a sad news about a LS member who passed away....so count yourself lucky....

[tami-chan]

I can only assume you are talking about one of your many post where you tried to blame the BS instead of the cheater, which is something you always do

 

You are a supporter for cheaters, most of your post back up lying and cheating and bash the BS. If you want to go through your old post and check them out go ahead.

 

BTW, "i ALWAYS do"????? are you sure about that? or is that another lie?

[jennie-jennie]

She will never tell him.

Tonight I went to a gym and she was there. We exchanged few words. She is in visible pain. Probably I am too. And she told me that at home she is busy with kids and daily routine, so it is ok. But H asked her what's wrong and she gave him the usual "I am tired"... And she told me that today she dialed my number but she didn't press the call button.

On the other hand, I am angry again. How can life go on like nothing happened?

 

Look at what you wrote here. Her life is obviously NOT going on like nothing happened. She is struggling big time, trying to make her marriage work but being irresistably pulled towards you. You just have to be strong and wait and see which part of her wins the battle. She obviously loves you, but the question is if her love for you is enough to make her end her marriage. Love is not the only force present here.

[lkjh]

Tami, I haven't lied once. You just love trying to start arguments in hopes that someone will actually acknowledge you. I' am just disappointed that I am responding to you. You ALWAYS blame the bs( at least when its a woman that cheated )

[Dexter Morgan]

BTW, "i ALWAYS do"????? are you sure about that? or is that another lie?

 

he isn't lying, you DO defend and backup cheaters and people that sleep with other people's spouses.

 

anyone can see that.

[lkjh]

he isn't lying, you DO defend and backup cheaters and people that sleep with other people's spouses.

 

anyone can see that.

 

thank you dex

[SHO]

You should be as willing to tell her husband now as you were when you began to engage with his wife at the outset. On the rest of your conversation, strip everything else out and carry on.